TOTALLY EXTRA: First Snogs, Tampon Hiding & A Shock for a Midwife

0:01This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts and general explicit content. But guys, you're here and you know you love it. You certainly do, you filthy schlegs. Welcome to Thursday. This is Luana, totally extra. Just reminding you, we were one of the first podcasts to offer an extra episode every week back in 2018 when we started. Do you know what?

0:30Anna Williamson:It feels like forever and not. Like, I don't remember life BL before Luana. BL. Oh, that's like, we're like BL instead of BC. Exactly. Before Christ, before Luana. It doesn't exist. I don't remember, like, do you and Moe? Moe. Moe's like, yeah, I remember life before Luisa. Peaceful. Less stressful. Well, listen, we don't want to be, even think about life before Luana because you guys, of course, have sent in all of your extra rants, your chat, your confessions, your stories. We fucking love you. Let's see what you've got this week. Before that, though, do make sure you are following on your favourite podcast platform.

1:10Anna Williamson:And guess to subscribe on YouTube, please, guys. It really does help with the algorithms. Thank you. Thank you. Right, we've got a message from a non. So, Likmarim. Is this you? Is this you? I can't remember what's me and what's not anymore. I don't know if that's there. Right. Hi, Luanna, Imo and Bex. Oh, 2026 is the year of Bex. It's not the year of the horse. It's the year of Bex. Love the pod. And as a fairly new listener, I'm currently working through the back catalogue whenever I can. Well done. See, all Anna's bleating on. I'm very, very proud of you. Please keep me anonymous. I have a, oh, good.

1:49I've got to meet the parents story to tell you. And I think it's fairly shocking. about 15 years ago I met my boyfriend's mum in the most unusual way we'd been together a few months and I spent the night at his place after a night out in the morning we both woke up in the mood and quickly got down to business my boyfriend was laying behind me and we were enjoying a great morning session after a little while we heard the words morning dear and unbeknownst to us, his mum had come into the room Oh no. Got What?

2:25Anna Williamson:Oh no, I'm going to be this mum, aren't I, with Enzo? Unbeknown to us Have a word with me if I am. His mum had come into the room got into his bed and was trying to give him a hug whilst he was still inside me. The P is in the V. And the mum is like Big Spoon. Bitty. Mummy's in. She says, I was utterly horrified. Safe to say I left fairly quickly. And when I questioned him about it, he told me his mum often gets into bed with him. The relationship ended shortly after that. Hopefully you enjoy hearing this story. Thanks for making me laugh every week. Well, Lickmarim, you've made us laugh. I'm quite pleased she said this because I'm not going to lie.

3:13Anna Williamson:You're not going to do that. No, I'm not going to do that now because that's weird. Thanks for the story. Right, voice note rant from Hannah. Right. That's wild. Let me find Hannah. What do you do? There's got to be boundaries around your kids and sex, guys. I mean, come on. Oh, here's Hannah. I have a rant. It is about how many people called Hannah have called in or ranted in and how angry they sound. Oh. I'm a Hannah and I'm a delight to be around. I really get angry. I love my boyfriend, he pisses me off. But I'm a lovely, a lovely person. Hannah, I'm a good breed of person, I feel. But I'd just like to put it out there.

3:59Hannah, if you're having a bad day, just chill out a little bit. You're giving us a bad name, yeah? Just chill out. I am Hannah. I'm 35 years old, despite my irritating voice. And I'm from Sudland in Kent. Love you, bye. And she's chilled.

4:15Anna Williamson:Hannah, thank you. I spent my whole life being called Hannah by my nan. Did you? Yeah, I did. She did. Literally called me Hannah. Stop. My cousin's called Hannah. She just called us both Hannah. You did. She just called you both Hannah? Just called us both Hannah. Stop it. Is that your dad's mum? Nanny, yeah. Yeah, my whole life she called me that, yeah. And she always called my cat the wrong name as well. Stop. My cat was called Tabby. She called it Tammy. And when I kept telling her the cat's Tabby, she was like, I don't care, I'm calling it Tammy. that's what happens when you're old you just give no fucks you're zero fucks she's like I'm going to call you Hannah that is your name yes your name I will address you as Hannah so go fuck yourself Hannah exactly so my pseudo name is Hannah so I can relate to all Hannah's right Pessie Polly I've forgotten that Hannah Hannah dear Hannah whatever Pessie Polly I swear that's where I'm getting it from Pessie she was a lead Pessie Polly this is the story the 90 year old nan that decided at 90 years old she wasn't going to pay any tax anymore because she felt she'd given the government enough money.

5:20Anna Williamson:Stop. She then refused. She then told me to ring up GMTV, get her on the sofa and say, what are you going to do, arrest a 90-year-old because I'm not paying the tax? Stop it, she didn't. And she was smoking her Lambert and Butler fag ledge. Yeah. Oh, we love her. We actually had to wheel around. My dad and my uncle at the time had to get the accountants and HMRC to go to her flat. No. And force her to write a check. Stop. Because she was like, what are you going to do? Put a 90-year-old at an old dish? She went, nah, nah. you've had enough from me you've had enough from me Catherine Tate's nub she was she went I've been a business owner for my life you've had enough from me that's it well she's not wrong she's not wrong Nanny Nanny started a trend she was wrong until we had to force her to pay her tax bill Nanny would have been moving to Dubai if she could have done exactly Nanny'd been on that flight out with you Lou I'm telling you she would have done right Petty oh I miss her Petty Bonnie from Anonymous so Wilma Bulls drop is this one for you?

6:12Anna Williamson:no that was not that's quite a good one very good long time listener first time contributor so I'd like to enter my little tale for Petty's Body can we also just say well come out of the woodwork long time listeners they're coming out aren't they don't be shy I'd like to enter here we go so for context the love of my life and fiancé of four years and partner of almost seven years chose two days after our anniversary oh no to end our engagement and relationship I know there's never a good time but seriously so whilst he was away for work I was left to pack up all my stuff move out of our home and instructed to leave my keys.

6:44Anna Williamson:Delightful. Now, packing was not a task I relished until nearing the end and cleaning out the storage under the bed. I kept finding tampons. Turns out a box had opened and where were tampax inside sleeves of hoodies and in with the towels? And then ladies, a weird light bulb pinged on. What a great Petty Polly. Sewing prawns into the curtains or accidentally leaving a food bin full of raw meat to turn into a maggoty hell isn't really my style. So it was then I found myself of breadcrumbing tampons all around in all sorts of weird and wonderful and mundane places. The flower jar, yes. It is so good.

7:19Anna Williamson:In between the sofa cushions, his sock drawer, coffee mugs, that packet of fags. Given up my foot. What? Given up my foot. Oh, given up my foot. Yeah. I did it as a reminder of my presence, an inconvenience, and some sick joke to future lady visitors in my existence. Reading this back, I'm now wondering whether this qualifies for weirdo of the week or me being sectioned. but rest assured it spelt on my packing and gave me a weird pleasure yours Wilbur Bullstrops good one good one Wilbur Bullstrops like it Wilms he's just randomly finding tampons right we've got a voice note a misheard lyric voice note from Arlene Arlene Arlene Arlene Anna Imogen and Bex this is one for the misheard lyric section so I was doing a bit of cleaning the other night and listening to a random playlist when E17 and Gabrielle's If You Ever came on classic What a tune.

8:10Anna Williamson:And I haven't heard it in years. So I realised on listening to it that these aren't the words that I know. And for context, I was a Disney-obsessed child. So here's what I sing. And if you ever fall in love again now, baby, you must be sure that the lady is a tramp. I think the word is friend. Friend. Lady as a tramp sounds so much better. Thank you for being so brilliant. This is Arlene from Ireland. And you have got a voice. Oh, she's got a lovely voice. Oh, you've got pipes. You've got pipes. You know, she's wrong. Not wrong though. That is a banger. That is a tune. I've heard that for years.

8:55Anna Williamson:Ever fall in love again. You must be true. Tune. Anna's on it today. Do you know what? I've just got out of the house. Woohoo! Right, we've got another message from a non, so Janet. Good morning, Luanamo. Please keep me a non. Call me Janet. I need your help. I have been on two dates with a guy and he is lovely, kind, handsome. My dog loves him and he's got his life together, which makes a change for my usual type. However, he's a bad kisser. Oh, that'll dry up your funny sooner than you could say. I love kissing and his kisses are pathetic. He barely uses his tongue. And when he does, he just wiggles it about.

9:49This is also making me think he'll be rubbish at giving head to, I guess, well, she's Janet, so cunnilingus. Oh, yeah. If he wiggles it about, he might be good at the old punani lick. True. She says, what do I do? She said, what do I do? I'd persevere and at least get a bit of the oral and the action to see.

10:07Anna Williamson:I think you need to sort of help lead. Like I remember having a, I'm sure we've all had a boyfriend, girlfriend. Do aggressive kissing. Yeah, just sort of lead the kiss. Yeah, grab it like. Yeah, a bit of lip nibbling. Yeah, you know, a bit of lead the kiss the way you want the kiss, I think. Yeah, I think that's good advice. And then maybe you could even sort of like, oh yeah, I love it when you like a slow kiss. Or I love it when you use less tongue. It tickles when you wiggle. So no wiggling. Do you know what? It reminds me of when we all started kissing. Do you remember your first snog? I actually think I was 11.

10:44I think I was friends with these twins, a boy and a girl. And then we used to go to the house and the parents weren't that good at looking after us. And I remember being in a cupboard with the boy. Unlocking childhood memory. And we were just practicing snogging.

11:01Anna Williamson:My first real snog was when we were at a friend's house and we got the tent in the back garden and we were allowed some boys over. Well, that one used to play spin the bottle. And that's what we were doing. We did spin the bottle. It must have been in year, what years? It must have been like year six or seven. It must have been year seven, I think it was. And then it was spin the bottle. And I remember, yeah, I think my first snog was with a boy called Wesley. Wesley? Wesley. Who the fuck called their kid Wesley? Wesley, yeah, Wesley. And I remember having, and we had to snog in front of everyone, like in the middle.

11:31Anna Williamson:And I remember that was my moment. Was it good? No. Yeah, I think it was all right, actually. I don't remember everything like that that I did. Maybe it was so frequent. What was your first snob like? Horrible. Was it? It was a boy called Tom. Oh. That's what turned you off men, I think. Yeah. And it was really bad. That's what put you off then. It was real, real bad. Was it? Why? What was wrong with Tom's snob? It was just very lizard-y. Oh, in, out, in, out. Like pointy tongue. and I was like is this what kissing is like jabby stabby tongue this makes me think Lufanians how do you learn though to do anything like that like how do we know like we might be bad kisses guys what about you Bex and you're not on mic at the moment but do you remember oh she's got a mic oh my gosh hello does this work it does work it does work bad kissing hello guys yeah I had a bad my first kiss was really bad as well but it was like just a bit lackless I think it was just nerves.

12:31Anna Williamson:I'm going to give it to Wesley. I think it was quite good. Go on, Wesley. Go on, Wes. I think, I want to know, I reckon Lufanians have got some, I reckon we've got some mileage in this, guys. Yeah, give us your first snog story. Yeah, first snog story. The lizards, the sloppies. Washing machine.

12:51I think my brothers and I used to, like, practice on a pillow. I remember just talking about kissing. I fancied the pants off of Duncan from Blue Oh Oh I just loved him And I used to snog his poster Did you? Yeah and then later in life I became friends with him I mean did you snog him in real life? I don't know if we We've definitely had a lip kiss I wouldn't say a full on snog He is gay isn't he? But I remember him coming into Big Brother to see Lee And we were doing a task And we all had to stay still and I'd already met him anyway and then he came over to me and gave me this really big kiss on my lips.

13:35Oh, kissy. He's just childhood dreams.

13:37Anna Williamson:I used to fancy Jason Donovan. So actually, I reckon I manifested that. I reckon you did. I used to snog that poster and then I ended up kissing him. And I snogged Jason Donovan's poster and then I did a job with Jason Donovan many years later but I was so overwhelmed. Really? Like starstruck. Was your fanny fluttering? less so than when I was that age. Oh, right. We've got another voice note from a non, so we've called you a sit on your lap. Here we are. Sit on your lap. Hi, Luanna. So I have a mortifying moment. I recently had a baby and I had to have an episiotomy, which means that I had to have stitches.

14:16I feel you. I've been keeping an eye on my stitches by squatting over a mirror and I was a little bit concerned about how it was healing. So I texted my midwife and I told her I was a bit concerned about how I was healing. And she texted me back and said, send me a picture. I was a bit like, okay, send you a picture of my stitches. Now, as a lot of people know, when you have a baby and are pregnant, shaving is really difficult. So God knows what it looked like down there. None of my business. Anyway, I took a photo. Awful. sent it over to my midwife, who texts me back and said, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I got you muddled up and thought that you had had a C-section.

15:06So this poor lady was expecting a picture of somebody's C-section scar and instead got a picture of my minge. I just think it's a really funny story and I tell everybody who will listen.

15:22Anna Williamson:And you know what? having had an episiotomy and it is like the baboon's arse it's like an absolute car crash down there oh bless you do you know what though if you were the midwife you'd just say thanks very much all looks good you wouldn't say pulling her out on it she did you a dirt on that yeah she did do you want to do that right we've got another message in from Anonymous so we've called you a fanny flasher hello ladies I was listening to last week's pod and thought I'd write in on the section about weird things people had found in their houses. Although I haven't found anything weird in a house, I myself may have left something behind.

15:59Years ago, me and my husband, who was at the time my boyfriend, were completely skint and Christmas was approaching. We decided to stick to a limit of 50 quid for each other, but here's the catch. We had to make something. My gorgeous husband used scrap wood and made me the most amazing bookcase, which still stands today. Oh, 13 years later. That's so nice, isn't it? In a world of consumerism, we've got the scrapbook case. I, however, had a more interesting choice of handmade gifts. As a bit of a photography boffin, I decided to take some saucy pics of myself. The tripod's in place, the timer is set, and I sprawled myself out all over the bedroom for many intimate shots of myself propped against the wall, biting of the bottom lip, vag, practically winking at the lens of the camera.

16:55Great, I thought he's going to fucking love this. I edit them all sepia and make them kind of vintage porn, get them printed and put them in a gorgeous leather-bound photo album. When Christmas arrived, I was quite nervous about presenting my gift and I just thought, what the fuck were you thinking? But he loved it. A year or so later, we're moving house and everyone rustled together to help with the big move. Friends, family, everyone. When we moved into our new home, I'm unpacking and sorting through everything. I had a thought that made my entire body sink deep into the ground. Where is that photo album?

17:34I emptied every drawer, the entire contents of the loft, the shed, the garage, you name it. That photo album was not in my house. It's now been over 10 years. the photos are gone, vanished, never to be seen again, at least by us anyway. Now, here's the twist. The house we were renting where I took said porno images did in fact belong to my in-laws. I've absolutely no idea where the album is or who's found it because somebody has and I'm mortified about it. But I feel if my in-laws have found it, they wouldn't dare tell us that they had it. Me and my husband laugh about it and joke saying that one day when his dad dies, we'll find the album under his bed with pages stuck together.

18:15Please keep me an on. Give me the name of Fanny Flasher. I love that. Love that.

18:21Anna Williamson:Right, confessions. I've never told anyone this, but first up, hi, Luana Moe and all that shit. Brilliant. I have a confession. After just watching him do it, I would share it, I thought. I let my dog eat the cat shit out of the cat's litter tray so I don't have to clean it. That's vile. That's disgusting. Your dog might get really poorly. And worms awful. That's so bad. So bad. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Thanks for sharing. Bit cruel. Right, Halo Animal. Again, love the pod and all that shite. I've been listening back to the old pods and at the end of November of 2021, you mentioned Omegile. What? Omegile.

19:06Anna Williamson:Omegile. Oh, Omegle. Omegle. Which is, I don't remember this. It's like an online chat, anonymous chat thing. Okay, she says it's an online chat site to speak to randoms. Well, as a horny 15-year-old me, me and my friend used to chat to random boys online. Sometimes we'd get the classic wanking video from some sleazy man and we'd egg him on. Then we'd leave the chat or say a one-liner like, your dick's so...

19:37Anna Williamson:So nighty, isn't it? Like, your dick is so nighty. Got a small dick. Your dick's small and then leaves. Used to crack us up for days. That's something we do. Such a thing we do. Also, on your porn confessions, I sometimes like to water monster slash demon cartoon porn. Some sexy goblin with a giant cock bigger than the woman he's fucking. Give it a try. Keep me a non, obviously, but another sex freak from Hearts. Oh, no. They're close. They're all in hearts. What cracking confessions. Great. On that note, that is it for this week's Luana. Totally extra. Thanks for all your wonderful contributions this week.

20:20Anna Williamson:I mean, guys, absolute belters as always. Keep it all coming in. Now, you know the email address. Brace yourselves, though. Newsflash, guys. Something to share with you. Very exclusively in a sec. Our email is Luana at everythingluana.com. Or you can drop us on WhatsApp. although we have a, are you ready? Brand new number. Brand new number. Don't ask us why, but we have. Okay, here it is. It's going to take a while to catch on. It's actually quite catching. Okay, here we go. So 07521564640. Oh, are we going 0 or 0? Oh, and again then, and. 075 215 64640 I reckon I'll remember that one. Yeah. 075 215 64640.

21:14If you have got us saved as a contact, do you go into your contacts now, edit that contact and change that number to 075 215 64640. You don't even want to know the ballgame that's gone on with that. We'll talk about it on Monday. Hear all the download then. but for now give us a follow make sure you're pressing follow in the top right corner and we'll see you on Monday gangbang we're having a gangbang we're having a ball we're having a gangbang against the wall we love you to join us we're not so fun because we're going to gangbang everybody I don't know if that's the word so it's good right bye guys

21:58this is a global player original podcast.