TOTALLY EXTRA: Floor Granola, Johnny Hats & A Lake Garda 69

0:02This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luanna and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content, but you know you love it. I joined the Village Book Club, all we ever did was meet once and we ended up just having a Chinese takeaway. This is terrible. Everyone has to wear one, otherwise you're not going in the water park. My favourite part is bedtime and my least favourite part is when they wake up in the morning. No, not a good time. Oh, these are corkers. Oh, well done. That was such a good one. Oh, you too. Maisie and Lozza. Best jokes we've had.

0:51Good morning, good morning. Welcome to Luana Land. And another Thursday with Luana Totally Extra with... Aloha. Me. Me. And? Me. Otherwise known as Lou, Anna and Imo. Now every Thursday, of course, we're bringing you extra chats, rants, confession stories. Before we do all of that, are you following us on your favourite podcast platform? Do it. If you're not, please do it right now. Thank you. And subscribe on YouTube. Hello, YouTubers. Right, we're going to muff on in with a message. It's an ick, Lou, from Emma. Oh, I get a lot of icks. Right, Emma says, I'm currently binge listening to your podcast.

1:34I'm just listening to March the 19th episode about the icks. My biggest ick from an ex, cannot believe that I stuck around for so long. He was such a tight ass skinflint that he would borrow money off his mum for our takeaway or make her cook for us. He was 40 at the time and had savings and regular income. But oh my fucking God, such a tight ass. he doesn't live with her but she would happily do it every single time that is an ick isn't it it's an ick that's enabling that is why are women like this i hope that you don't become like that as a mother to a son who me yeah you might be like that no you might become like that no do you know what actually i and if i am you can smack me in the vag yeah do you know what i when we're on a holiday i the i am genuinely going above and beyond i love enzo i love both my kids but he's turning into such a little dude now but i have really he's so intelligent and loves the conversation and i talk to him now about the importance of just being a really good man like and i've had real conversations with him about just what that means and why that's important so manners and and etiquette and not relying hence my thing about if you can do this yourself do this yourself you know picking your shit up i will not if i raise a lazy bastard boy that i enable you have full permission to whack me yeah it's not on it's not okay and i said to him i said whoever you end up with you know whether that's a man or a woman they're not going to appreciate you so you you need to seriously buck up poor kid he's only nine i know right we've got a voice note from Lauren next.

3:11Why hello there. Something really embarrassing happened to me today and I just have to share it with you because I think you'd really appreciate it. Anyway, love the pod and all that jazz. Also just finished, I'm currently listening to Sweet Bobby and oh my god, what a wild ride, that poor woman. Anyway, I've digressed. So I gave you a little bit of context I got a new phone two weeks ago and I accidentally dropped it on the floor yesterday because I am literally the clumsiest person alive anyway dropped it on the floor and was like right it smashed into a million pieces the screen so I decided that I needed to get it fixed so I go to Apple and luckily I've got Apple care so I only have to pay 25 pound anyway the lady in the shop she's like um oh we just need to turn off you'll find my iphone and um i can't i just i can't she she's like we need to turn off your find my iphone anyway so she goes on to find my iphone and there is an ipad that i had probably when i was like i don't know 20 that my friends renamed big black cock so i'm in the apple store i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i don't i don't I just don't know.

4:36I don't know who's done that. I was literally mortified. I was just sat there like, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. And she was like, oh, don't worry about it. But I was like, oh my God, she's going to go home and she's going to, she's going to tell all her friends about this. Oh my God, it was so embarrassing. Thank you to my friends for ruining my life. Anyway, enjoy the story and take care out there. Bye. It's the jungle out there. You can keep me anonymous or you can give me a lovely name. Whatever you decide. We just called you Lauren. We've named you. Yeah. Thank you, though, babe.

5:11It's very funny. Shit kids names from anonymous. So Rebel Lion. Here we go. So I was once a teacher in a primary school teaching a seven. Sezen, seven. So it's S-E-7 as in the number E-N. Yes, that's right. This poor kid was not only named after a 1995 Brad Pitt horror murder film, but he also had a random number in his name meaning he could never sign into the school computer had to replace with a v and lord knows how he's doing now as an adult and how fast his credit rating must be yeah as the computer system does not accept numbers in names and why would it just why elon musk's kids got like different numbers hasn't he in his name um my husband worked to experience oh i love experience um husband worked experience so knows this as a fact the poor lad will have a lifetime of computer and data related issues because their parents are weird twats i'm rebel lion from nottingham the og porn star name that is weird i'm surprised they let them do that name yeah at the um yeah the registry office yeah yeah good point we've got a joke now from maizey she says hey girls loving the joke segment i find it even more funny when you don't get the joke it's a strong chance i heard this one on tiktok and thought i'd send it in.

6:28My friend was furious the other day. His dog Minton swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton.

6:38That's my favourite. That's really good. That is quite good actually. That's really good. And Lozza has said, how do you know that you're at a gay barbecue but the sausages taste like shit.

6:57Oh, these are caulkers. Oh, well done. That was such a good one. Oh, you too. Maisie and Lozza. Best jokes we've had. Oh, that's brilliant. Right, we've got a Rate My Fart from a non. So Doris slash Joyce. Hi, Luana Moe. My sister introduced me to the pod when she came to visit me in Feb this year in Dubai. She had a prolonged stay due to the situation here. We spent some time listening to the pod to escape the chaos of the three boys we have between us. I love it. I've been listening to it ever since and working through the back catalogue. Thank you. We're both very farty and we come from a fart, proud house.

7:39So do we. And I've been trying to get my sister to do one for you as hers are much better than mine. Anyway, this is not long, but I think it's strong. Thanks to the Endless Entertainment. Keep us an on. Call us Doris and Joyce after our nanny and her sister. okay let's hear it listen to this it's too good to miss

8:04wow solid 8.5 me too i would go yeah i'd go at an eight i feel like i could have had more extra length would have been good but you know a strong timbre a good good effort and it didn't peter out at the end no it was like ended as it began i'm gonna i'm gonna name it the red arrow it was like a red arrow flying ahead love it love that well done well done um congrats petty potty from anonymous so rache dearly animal petty potty writing in please call me rache oh you know i love a pp we had a very busy Sunday planned. Mum of two to a three-year-old and a three-month-old who hates sleep. A mum on the brink.

8:51I was up early with my baby. Yeah, hell. And decided to make granola once he was fed and changed before my big girl woke up. It must have taken my husband an hour to get ready for our Sunday family outing, giving himself what I would call a spa day. A shave, shower, etc. whilst I was downstairs with the two kids, leaving me to pack the bags, sterilise the bottles, hang the laundry, get the kids and myself ready to get out of the house. A scene that is common for many, i dare say i'm frazzled and i look and i smell like shit my husband swans downstairs and proceeds to put the dressed and ready kids into the car i quickly need to quickly pour my granola into the kilner jar and walk out the door in my frazzled state most of it all of course all of it spilt all over the floor instead of being devastated about it i decided to put the floor granola in a jar and let my husband eat it all week and keep my nice non-floor granola in a separate jar deep into a cupboard he would never look in.

9:46I've enjoyed myself every time I watch him eat that dirty floor granola, especially as he wears shoes in the house, which is another pet peeve of mine. Massive pet peeve of mine. I call myself Rach, as it's the code name my sister gives me. Please say hi to Jane for me, her code name. Hi, Jane. It will definitely make her year. Jane and I have come through the newborn trenches together as she had her beautiful baby within the same week i had mine you're doing amazing jane love your work we're huge lufanians and you definitely got us through a tough period and put a smile on our sleep deprived faces keep doing what you're doing ladies love rage well girls big love to you both it's fucking hard when the kids are young but you will get it is right we have got challenge luanna oh yes over to you mo challenge luanna so first challenge was the bring me the best fart Anna won that one although we do know that disappointingly it wasn't the girls farts it was family farts that's fine the second challenge I set was to bring me the best surprisingly cheap thing now Anna went first last time so this time Lou, pitch me your best surprisingly cheap thing.

11:04Yes. Yes, because you have prepared for it, haven't you, Louisa? Yeah, do you know what my surprising, well, it's not like super cheap though, but it's surprisingly cheap for the quality. And that is, I would say, this MediCube skincare. Right. now I buy it on Amazon and it's surprisingly cheap for the brilliant quality you missed a trick there Lou I thought you were going to say you you Instagrammed a few weeks ago some dress that was from Sheen somewhere and can I also say no because she can't win on that

11:48sheen bikinis are surprisingly cheap and very very good quality it's actually now all I wear on holiday because I feel like even in expensive bikini once you go in the sea it gets like a bit fucked so if you just buy like one for a tenner off sheen it's fine and they are amazing quality and really good designs. So MediCube skincare also makes your skin literally glow. You plugged really expensive skincare the other week. And honestly, I feel like MediCube has like, the quality is insane of MediCube products and they are not expensive, especially their collagen face mask. Interesting. Okay. So which one are you going for?

12:33Are you going for, which one are you pitching in? Because Imo has to decide. out of the two out of i've got two to pitch as well i'll choose my favorite um you go in bikinis from sheen or you go many cube skincare surprisingly cheap is the challenge okay i would say that the bikinis are cheaper okay and surprising so like they've got good embellishments on them and stuff okay okay anna okay so i've got two as well um this one's a bit of a joke one but are surprisingly cheap i've bought it back for my holiday girls um these are the johnny hats that anyone that was following me on instagram will know that when you go to italy to a water park you have to buy and wear a johnny hat i've got all four of mine here from from uh from italy this is terrible this everyone has to wear one otherwise you're not going in the water park so my johnny hat um two euros 50 for a swimming hat which i thought was surprisingly cheap for not a bad quality swimming hat okay so that's my first one my second one to add up to this is and i've had to take a photo girls to show you as proof so this is while i was on my holiday an aperol spritz so i'm in italy right how much would you pay for an aperol spritz in the uk 15 quid yeah i'd say they're probably between 10 and 15 right girls i actually had to take a photo with the menu i'm in a decent bar and let me tell you this was a quality aperol spritz it was enormous there was a good ratio of aperol to prosecco there's the picture five euros five euros so cheap so i'm going to take off the johnny hat but my punt is for the five euro aperol spritz and that was a fishbowl now but no one can like get that because it's in doesn't matter the challenge is something surprisingly surprisingly cheap okay well i think machine bikinis are better i however hmm here's my thinking on this a bikini normally not that cheap at the moment but it being a sheen bikini you would expect it to be cheap oh you know because it's sheen whereas if you had said this bikini from net a porter net a porter i don't know fendi whatever is actually 15 quid i would have been like oh bloody hell but it's not and their but surprisingly cheap Aperol bucket I'm gonna have to give it to it she just keeps winning because I'm I'm just bringing it in but thank you well I have to admit I did see that Alex we were in this bar and I went oh I don't know and they went five euros for a fucking fishbowl of Aperol and it wasn't knock off it was proper Aperol proper prosecco so i was like i'm gonna let them have that thank you well done what's the next challenge is thank you your next challenge oh god is to bring me something that makes the most excellent noise oh oh okay something that makes the most excellent okay okay thank you have a I'll think about that.

16:02Done. I will. Right. We've now got an Ask Joanna Anything from Nia. She says, hey, girls, got an Ask Joanna Anything. What's your favourite part of having kids? And what's your least favourite part? I know, Lou, you joke about the shits, but we all know you're a fantastic mum. Just wondered what your genuine opinions were on this, as I'm in a phase where my partner and I are truly considering whether or not kids are our future. Thanks, Nia. Oh, that's quite sweet. Yeah, really nice. You go first. Um, okay. My favourite part is, I'll go the last part. What's my least favourite part is their bickering.

16:42And I think it's constant at the moment. They fight all the time and it drives me mad. And genuinely, there were some points on holiday recently where it really got me down. I was like, this is just not fun. They don't listen. They just fight. And it really is. It's wearing and it's draining and it's relentless and it's exhausting. So that's my least favourite part. my favourite part though and it does massively overwhelm I have to keep reminding myself that when it gets hard is they're my little mates you know and you know when they give their little hugs and they can be so sweet at times and it does make it all worthwhile you know when they say you know thank you for this and you're the best mum in the world or whatever or you have a really cool little chat with them and they say something funny I know but it does it does just make I think it's the small moments you do get from them where you do go, oh my gosh, I have just created a little human being and I actually get a great sense of pride in that.

17:35So that's my favourite part and I wouldn't change it. Aww. My favourite part is bedtime and my least favourite part is when they wake up in the morning.

17:48Take it to church, sister.

17:53Yeah, that's for me. No, genuinely, my least favourite part is probably always having to think about other people yeah like you lose all sense of um spontaneity individuality like your life is never you can't be selfish you can't be selfish yeah and once you have kids like and that really is like everything has to be planned and thought through you can't just um do what you want to do and I think that as you get older I mean I was I think had I not had my first child at 23 I would have really struggled with then having the other two at 29 and 30 because I'm quite a selfish person and actually it makes you have to be selfless and sometimes that can bring some resentment um and my favorite part is just yeah doing shit with them when when I can be fully focused on my kids and I really try and be because I am always busy and I have a lot of different things going on in life and different people that work for me and stuff and it that can be quite overwhelming and it's so nice when actually I've nothing else to do except be a mum and when I have those moments it's amazing because I'm so fully immersed like with the kids and I really love that like I love doing shit with them like I love taking clamy hall started doing i love doing like arts and crafts with indigo and they're quite similar to me the kids they like doing what i want to do and so it's the moment you find the little chats for me it's the little chats like every now and again yeah sometimes if it's bedtime we're only tucking them in or something and in or in bath time and i think that's probably my favorite it's it's the little chats and sometimes they can come out with some really quite either funny or poignant or very sweet thing yeah and and it and you know you know just going off to sleep mommy how does a lion wee you know or you know it's like you just get random stuff or sometimes it's really quite thoughtful actually like and so last night said yeah deep last night he was going to sleep and he was like um just so you know he was I do really love my mom and dad right granny or grandpa he's like I know sometimes I can be a bit naughty for them but just so you know he went I do really really love them so much and it's like where did that come from in his little brain and i think it's those little moments it's they can yeah and i think as well that what else is nice about having an older child like now dixie's 16 it's just hanging out like she is like my mate like in france we had the best time going to like clubs and i mean some people won't agree with that but we literally party together and she is so much fun but she's very sensible i think that's child I'm taking her and all her mates skiing again next year.

20:39I mean, I just had the best ski holiday ever with all of them. So I think on weighing it up, I would say it's worth having it. Ah! But I have to say, they're stressful, fucking expensive, and you'll tear your hair out. Basically that. Yeah. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Abi next. Hey, Luanna, Bex and Emo. Thanks for the pod, I love it. I have a rant. so walking back to your car after having to pay and display like it's just really annoying especially if the ticket machine isn't close to your car you have to get out walk to the machine print your ticket walk back to the car and then usually the machine's at the exit anyway and the way you've got to go so you then got to walk back past the machine it's just annoying anyway thanks love the pod my name's abby i'm from essex bye short and strong love it

21:35Right, confessions now. I've never told anyone this, but first up, dear Luana. Now, I've never thought I'd be the victim of a situation like this, but buckle in. Give me the name Ivana Peek. Ivana Peek. It's July. Ivana. It's my 30th birthday. My partner has surprised me with a trip to Lake Garda. It was honestly one of the most thoughtful presents I'd ever had. The whole trip felt like something out of a travel brochure. After a late night flight and arriving in our hotel in the early hours of the morning, we decided we would have a relaxed first day, enjoying a morning of wandering around the lake and stuffing ourselves with pasta.

22:06After some time, we decided to head back to the hotel for a little afternoon relaxation before going out for evening. Now, if any couple goes on holiday together, then they will know that there are rules to be followed. Morning out exploring, consumption of local delicacies, followed by returning to your temporary accommodation for a much-needed shagathon. That is literally it, isn't it? That is holiday. That's the schedule. It really is. at this point we're very much enjoying our private birthday celebrations we're both stark bollock naked spread eagled across our white linen bed and we've proceeded to mount each other in prime happy ending position the 69 the king my boyfriend's underneath me tongue tongue on my pearl of the lake pearl of the lake working his magic while i'm laying i'm laying on top of him with my head closest to the hotel door giving it the old sucky sucky nimbus 3000 when suddenly The excellent Lou is now giving us the actions.

23:01When suddenly... Hi, darling. There's a lot of teeth there, Lou, in that blotzer.

23:08When suddenly, without so much as a knock, the hotel room door suddenly flies open. Standing there is the cleaner, who I can only describe is a big mama. I immediately attempted what I can only be described as a James Bond combat role, desperately trying to launch myself off my partner and preserve what little dignity we had left while simultaneously encouraging this poor woman back out of the room meanwhile my partner despite being about as italian as a greg sausage roll suddenly found himself shouting in his finest dramatic italian accent no not a good time the cleaner quietly backed out and closed the door and the two of us just stood there in complete silence looking at each other like we'd been caught out by our parents about two minutes later oh knock knock fresh towels she's keen she's keen she wants in on the action at that point i genuinely considered checking whether the hotel had a witness protection program eventually after we'd recovered from the shame we plucked up the courage to leave the room that evening as we closed the door behind us we noticed the cleaner had very thoughtfully hung a do not disturb sign on our door so now whenever anyone asks about my unforgettable 30th birthday Lake Garda I don't tell them about the stunning views of the incredible food I tell them about big mama who walked in at the worst possible moment my failed James Bond escape and my partner's Oscar worthy Italian accent mortified brilliant that reminds me when we were all at Soho farmhouse trying to learn that TikTok dance and then we looked the housekeeper and we looked up and there were like three housekeepers just standing there watching us like waving and we were we'd all been doing this dance very badly it was hilarious oh yeah good remembering right next confession hello wonderful ladies hope you're all enjoying your summer breaks I've never told anyone this but I've never actually read a single book my book club has done not a single one I just read the Goodreads reviews make a strong opinion about the ending nobody's ever questioned it the worst part is I started the book club we've done 23 books now and everyone's really invested apart from me I do have good intentions every month but just time gets the better of me that is brilliant this is it I think it happens to a lot of people my mum basically goes to her village book club for the booze Emma you did one no yeah i have a book club with some friends you still do well we worked very very well for about a year then it appeared now and then but we're resurrecting in september yeah oh okay i joined the village book club all we ever did was meet once and we ended up just having a chinese takeaway for 15 lovely remember you when you joined that choir as well oh yeah that went well for the three times I won't yeah well listen that is it for this week's Luana Totexta we will of course be back with your usual days on Monday so love you bye email us Luana at everythingluana.com or you can whatsapp us on 07521564640 don't forget to rate subscribe follow give us all the goods and share your favourite pod episode.

26:29We'd be very, very grateful. Goodbye. Bye, guys. Have a good one. This has been a Global Production.