TOTALLY EXTRA: Fullfrontal Overshares, Parent Bay Revenge & A Family Friend on Grindr

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Sometimes I park in a disabled space and I just get out and limp. I'm sorry, but that is just such a shit name. She had really held that in. Never has vigilante justice felt so sweet. I like this. Fart orchestra. Oh, yeah, okay, we are dicks.

0:45Anna Williamson:Hi, guys, welcome to Thursday. Welcome to Luana Totally Extra. How are you all? I hope you've had a splendid week so far. Spliffing. Yeah, spliffing. Or spiffing. Not spliffing. that's a whole different pastime that's a whole different pastime I'm, she's Lou, I'm Anna we have of course producer extraordinaire Imogen Rose Leticia Hart it's a lot of a name Bex have you got middle name Stephanie did we know this? Rebecca Stephanie Wookie I don't like your name it doesn't really flow your name Rebecca Stephanie Wookie right so Bex isn't on mic again which is going to piss Emma off. She says she doesn't like her name.

1:26And we kind of agree because it doesn't flow. Rebecca Cunningham though, that's going to be her married name. Cottingham. Cottingham.

1:35Cunnilinga. I did know it was Cottingham.

1:37Anna Williamson:What's yours? Middle name Marie. Mary. Anna Mary. Yeah. Anna Mary Williams. That reminds me of, I said, Dr. Tara, who I do celebs go dating with, I don't know why I told her that and she looked at me, bearing in mind she's all about sex, Dr. Tara, and she went, what's your middle name? And I was like, Mary, she went, what? The mother of Jesus? She was like, that is, she went, I'm sorry, but that is just such a shit name. She went, well, for you anyway. And I was like, thanks, Toph. If you named yourself, we've gone totally off topic now, but hi, welcome. Please make sure you're following us and do subscribe on YouTube.

2:14Hi, if you're watching on YouTube. Before we jump into a voice note with Nick, if you could if you had to like go into uh witness protection and get a new name oh good question um what would your new name be okay uh when i was a kid i always wanted to call myself

2:36Anna Williamson:rachel bond and i don't know why but i'm going to resurrect that when i was i don't know why i had an obsession there was a girl that lived next door who was a bit older and she had like this beautiful red hair and she was really I think I clearly just thought she was amazing yeah um Bond don't know probably James Bond don't know but I'm gonna go Rachel Bond you could pass as a Rachel I'm gonna go Rachel Bond um I'd quite like to be like Alicia Arabella you know Smith Hartlington brilliant so Bridgerton so you that's what I don't Ims I always like the name Phoebe you could be a good Phoebe and I always used to be obsessed with the surname Baker.

3:16Anna Williamson:So maybe Phoebe Baker. Phoebe Baker. Phoebe Baker. Okay, I'm going to put a mic on Beck. Before Imogen has an actual shit fit. I would like to be a bit more whimsical and pretty because I feel like my name's not very, it's like Bex, Rebecca. So I'd go for like Lily or Delilah or something like that. Oh, nice. And say, like May or something like that. Like really like. Delilah May. Like soft. She's gone Delilah May. Delilah Lily May. Okay. That is a good name. It's a very. I actually like the name Delilah Hey there Delilah Agent Sam's daughter's name I do like the name Delilah She's got good kid names Agent Sam Delilah and Banks Banks they're cool I like Banks I remember when she called Banks Banks and I thought that's a bit weird and then it really has grown on me and I actually really like that name Banks I would have done it with an X B-A-N-X It is No it's not It's K-S It's with an X No it's not It is Is it?

4:09Yeah I was like she is cool then isn't she

4:11Anna Williamson:Yeah it is B-A-N-X I know this because when she She gave birth to Banks. I sent her a personalised thing with KS and it wasn't that. It was X, yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, that is cooler then. Well, she's just gone up in my aspirations right there. She's very cool. She's very cool as our agent Sam. She is quite cool, Agent Sam. She's actually messaging me now. Oh, right. There we go. There we go. With some free shit. Well, let's do voice note from Nick. Hello, you lovely lot. I am in a field at my business, Longmeadow Pet Hotel in Doncast. and with my wolfhounds. Oh. I'm sat here and I have congratulated myself as I have just got banged up today on the podcast.

4:51Oh, well done. I have listened to every single one from start to finish. I am a bit sad as that's all I've listened to continually. There you go. So now I understand what's going on on the Facebook page. Yay. And me and my friend have booked to go to the Troxer.

5:09Anna Williamson:Yay. So we'll sing in person I cannot wait thank you very much and Imo I hope this voicemail is clear enough for you bit of background noise to be honest it is Nick thank you so much I enjoyed the birds tweeting in the background it's better than road hum it's a bit of atmosphere okay road hum is a no gone yeah well thank you for that right we've got a message on the non now so Isabelle and Pick It is a bellend pink. It is a bellend pink. It is your bellend pink. It is your bottom blue or brown. Hi, ladies. Love the show. Earlier this week, I had a bit of an uncomfortable sensation down below.

5:54And I thought I could feel a bump on the inside of my vag. This is what I've got. And that's me, Bartholins. Got a bit worried. Took some photos. It was going on down there before calling the dock. It was awkward taking the photos. But I did eventually manage. Next day, it was at my teenage son's birthday. and in the morning we all got so up early so he could open his presents. He tried on a new t-shirt and asked me to take a photo of him. Julie took the photo and he came and stood over my shoulder to look at said photo. I opened my phone to show him the photo but it wasn't the photo of him in his new t-shirt that sprung up on my screen.

6:26It was a giant fucking photo of my vag, my entire vulva with my tummy hanging over the top. Seriously, I don't even want to know what that is, my son said. He looked genuinely disturbed. I've now learned how to use the secret folders function on my phone. P.S. went to the docks. Vag is apparently fine. Just not so sure if my son's fine. Well done for getting it checked.

6:49Anna Williamson:Always get things checked. Get your vag checked. Voice note rant from Emma. Hi, I'm Luanna Mobex. Live incoming round here. Just being on my dog walk. And yet again, I'm stepping in dog shit. I don't understand, right? it's not fucking rocket science. Why do people leave their dog shit everywhere? Buy dog poop bags, take them with you. If you don't have any, find someone around you who has got dog poop bags or pick it up with your hands and don't give a fuck. Stop leaving your dog shit all over the floor for me to tread in. It should be illegal. You should be arrested. You should be put in prison.

7:29Anna Williamson:Don't have a dog if you will not pick up their shit. Thank you. Love the pod. My name is Emma. I'm from Norfolk. Love you all. Thank you, bye. It's wrong. Yes. As if to just back up my point, I've just walked out my house to pick up my son from school and I've just seen a person leave their dog shit on the floor. I don't know who they are so I can't exactly address them and I don't really have a backbone and I don't like confrontation but it just proves my point. Pick up your dog shit. Yeah, there's no excuse. It's repulsive behaviour. I always pick up his puppy. Well done, though. Well done. Old little puppy bear.

8:09Look, he's using his Stanley as a pillow.

8:11Anna Williamson:Can I just say, he actually looks so goddamn cute right now. In his little jumper, fast asleep. Crumbie. No, don't wake him up. Why would you do that? If you were asleep, you wouldn't want someone calling your name, Anna, Anna, waking you up. Actually, Elle does do that and it really winds me up. And why would you do it to him? Poor baby. Actually, apparently she tried doing it this morning. I woke up with her next to me in bed and I was like, how the hell does she get there? I've been taking old A-Dog sleep supplement. It's so good. I was absolutely dead out. Actually, I'm just going to shout out to A-Dog, Anna's husband.

8:45He has developed a very good sleep supplement called Hypnara. Have I talked about this already on the pod? No, you haven't actually, no. Oh, well, pop it in next week's Recuseco, but I'm going to plug it now. It's really bloody good. So it's like a powder and you mix it with water. Now, I have to admit, I didn't like it with cold water. didn't float my boat. The hot water's really nice. I put it in boiling water. I've got a cooker tap and I've put two scoopies in with my tea, with my hot water at night and I've stopped drinking my chamomile tea and I've started drinking Hypnara. It's quite sweet, but he did say he had to have stevia in it because it was not nice without that.

9:23But I've actually got used to the taste now. It's sort of like hot Vimto, but slightly sweeter. Yeah, like a sort of Haribo-y, Vimto-y sort of flavour. It is quite sweet. Most people actually probably wouldn't find it too sweet, but I don't eat a lot of sweet things.

9:38Anna Williamson:I find it quite, I like the sweetness. It's kind of that sort of warming, that warming kind of like herbal tea. It's nice to hot though, isn't it? Oh my gosh, he's been giving it to me. It's much nicer to hot. Last night, I don't know why, I've been sort of so hyped up the last few days. And he came up to bed with it actually. He was like, do you want to hypnore? And I was like, I do. I am so into this as well. It's really good. It is actually really good. It reduces any of my light. You know your brain whirls. I go out like a light. I was out like a light at 10 o 'clock last night. 10 minutes.

10:07Anna Williamson:10 minutes I fall asleep. And I slept so deeply. It makes me sleep so deeply. You didn't wake up for your kids. No, which is brilliant. Not the best ever. No, but in a good way. Because she's been coming around the last week. He knew I was really tired because she keeps. And she goes, mommy, mommy. So annoying. And she said to me, I woke up. I went, how did you get here? And she went, I was tapping you and whispering, mommy, mommy. But you were really sleeped out. So Alex's sleep supplement is comatosing. and it doesn't have quite that comative but it's really good and you don't get that like sometimes well sometimes in the night I'll wake up and then I make that fatal mistake of scrolling my phone and I start shopping in the middle of the night guys it's the problem anyway he's saved me loads of money because I'm not waking up in the night shopping anymore on my phone and I'll be awake for like two hours from like three till five and then I just think well I'll get up now because I'm going to the gym there's actually really good it's called Hipnara he's just launched it I think not that long ago he has yeah we're not plugging it because it's Alex it is actually a good product I well that's very sweet he'd be very grateful of us talking about it he hasn't asked which is why we've probably plugged it now but it is a really good product and honestly I wouldn't put I wouldn't endorse it either if it was shit but I've been really liking it anyway so that's better hot than cold I will add I did say that to him he needs to put that on the package I think it is on there enjoy hot or cold he's working on a gummies range as well now oh is he yeah See, I find it hard eating gummy.

11:29I feel like we eat and pop so many things. I like the fact it's in a drink. A nice hot tea. And I find it soothing when I go to bed. Yeah, I know. I like it. In my Emma Bridgewater cup. Oh, I love an Emma Bridgewater mug.

11:43Anna Williamson:Do you know what? He was really tough you liked it because he knows you so well. He went, I'm really tough you liked it. I am quite fussing. No, but he was like, because I know that if she thought it was shit, she'd tell me. I would tell me. And I was like, she would. And I said, I would tell you it's shit. I said, I ain't fucking talking about that if it's light of old shite. but it works for me. Well, anyway, there you go. There you go.

12:03Anna Williamson:Right, someone's got the air. Go on. This is anonymous, so Hayley Keybum. Hayley Keybum. Hayley Keybum. Hayley Keybum. Not Emma's. She hasn't even cracked a smile. Hi, Hayley. It is. It is. Oh, it is. Oh, you've woken him up with your cackle. Oh, sorry, with my fock on. Love you and all that jizz. I'm just listening to today's Thursday's Extra and I have an ick. I love my husband with all my heart. Best man to me and father to our three kids in the world. But I have a huge ick. If people don't agree, then that's ridiculous. It is. Hard relate. Hay fever. Fucking hay fever. Honestly, it's already rearing.

12:44Anna Williamson:It's ugly springhead and I am literally shuddering with the ick. Can I just say to this, I am so true. I tell him it's so childish. I have hay fever but I can relate and stop bloody sniffing and snivelling like a pig anyway that's my ick keep being on it's so true I can't help it it is grim isn't it oh we've got to rate my fart we've not had one of these for a while this is from Bex in Brighton oh we're going back to the old days I love it so I'm just going to set the scene quickly my husband of 23 years has been pottering around the bedroom for the last 40 minutes and I've got a fart and I've suppressed it because I've never farted in front of him.

13:27Anna Williamson:Oh. And I just wish he'd hurry up and go to work so I can get it out. The dog's on the bed. I've got my cup of tea in my hand. He's downstairs. I can't wait any longer. So here we go. This one is for you, Ali, because you're never too old to laugh at farts. Listen to this, too good to miss. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

14:05Anna Williamson:She had really held that in. That was almost peaking on the volume. That was magical. Tight sphincter as well. Why wouldn't she let that glory out in front of her husband? It's a cacophony. It's Tchaikovsky. He'd be impressed. She could do a whole fucking candlelit concert with that one. There's a business idea. Fart orchestras. Oh, yeah. Fart orchestras. Oh, my God. There's got to be a... We should put a fart orchestra compilation together from all of our contributors. We should turn them into an orchestra. There's a Guinness World Record in that. Maybe this year is the year that we do a Luanna Guinness World Record Fart Orchestra.

15:01Yeah.

15:03Anna Williamson:Yeah.

15:13Can I just say?

15:14Anna Williamson:Mine's wet and squelchy. This is, now we know that some of you aren't here for the fart chat. Soz about that. Soz about that. But whatever. For those that are though, maybe you could all like start, can we just say like start to warm up again, guys, on this one. See what you can add to this enterprise. I'm telling you, we need to look up some Guinness records around farts. Most people farting in one place at the same time. Oh, imagine the smell. I mean I'm slightly backing out of it now Backing up Backing up Anyway Right we've got Pessie Polly up next So Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla Kumgasla you dicks Oh Yeah I care we are dicks

16:14she just sits there with a face of expectation of like come on you dumbfucks and she was like proud of this one and then when we don't get it she's like fucking dickhead it's a thing about one you're wasting this job never leave come guzzler hi Luanna and my own Bex you can never I can never get enough of your podcast I can listen to you guys every day also deeply honoured if you've chosen my message to read out I have so many stories that I think you guys would enjoy, but I'll start here. This is mildly tame for me, but I hope you'll enjoy this ranty petty poly. It has been many a year that I've had the blood curdling rage at seeing people using the parent and baby parking spaces with no children.

16:57Hard relate from Anna. More so when I was the one hefting my little bubbers in their car seats into trolleys and trying not to hit my car door in the person's car next to mine because all the parenting spaces have been taken. I'm only 5 '2", so you can imagine it's quite a challenge raising a baby carrier above my head. My youngest is six now and I still get an irrational level of rage. One day, I'd had enough and decided I was going to shame the next car I see using the spaces inappropriately. Backstory, been on a day trip with my older children and had bought some of those chalk pens for them to draw on the windows with.

17:32They loved it. And I didn't love it, though, when having to clean it off. not a rec-o-secco I'd give fathers to try. I pulled up to a parking space in an Audi parent car park and as I was gathering my list, my bags and my baby from the car when two women pulled into the space next to me, they got out and walked off. Well, the red mist came down. I thought, let's not scream at these probably nice ladies across the car park. I'll just be passive aggressive. As all Brits are. I made sure they'd gone inside and I grabbed a chalk pen and wrote across the back window, mother and baby parking only. Could have been a lot worse.

18:11Feeling all smug with myself, I then headed into the shop and got my shopping sorted. It wasn't till I came out I remembered what I'd done. The women walked out just after me and were shocked and appalled at the writing on their car. I'd have shit myself. They were looking around as if they would spot the culprit scumpering away. Little did they know I was right there. They then asked me if I'd seen anyone do this and I replied, no, no, I didn't see anyone do that. But don't you think they have a point? I proceeded to finish putting my baby and shopping in the car and I drove off. Never has vigilante justice felt so sweet.

18:49I like this. No need to keep me non, although Imo, I'd love a slutty porn star name for my friends to codename me when they hear this. I love you girls. This is very good. That's what you should start doing.

19:00Anna Williamson:Well, yeah, and I have to really catch myself now because I'm not joking. The amount of people that tag me in, like, memes and jokes. No, no, I love it. Keep it coming. Hilarious ones about being a car park wanker, like, in the high-vis. But now, the other day, I had to go parking and there was only one space left and it was a mother and baby. Did you go in there? No, because I am now, if someone sees me and I'm the face of high-vis jackets, I thought if I park in that without, and the kids weren't in the back of my car. But it crossed your mind, didn't it? It did. and I thought, I need to find it.

19:32Anna Williamson:Well, but I didn't do it. Well, not yet, but it'll only be another year. Well, I was too scared of someone seeing me do it without the kids in the back of the car and then calling me out that I made myself go and park somewhere else. Sometimes I park in a disabled space and I just get out and limp. I do. I only do it when there's a lot of free disabled spaces. You know, it's an excessive amount sometimes they have. Sometimes there are a lot. Sometimes there's a lot. Station car parks have a lot. Yeah, and I just think there can't be that many disabled people here. I'm only going to be in there for five minutes.

20:06Do you ever get fired? No. Are you not meant to have a blue badge? That's what I mean. Yes, but I just think only the parking attendants looking for the blue badge. If it's just someone, I don't want them thinking, like, I shouldn't be parking there. So I just get out, little limp, and then, you know, dash in, dash out.