TOTALLY EXTRA: Gym d*ck, Naked Ladders & A girl named Peekaboo?!

0:01Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. this is a global production be warned it's luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions rants bants and general explicit content but you know you love it dude i'm eating my panini like no i think i'm really nice like honestly when i read these things i think i'm like the nice is why.

0:54Fag dried instantly. My large, giant white backside shining in the moonlight is clearly visible.

1:02Anna Williamson:But my parents are going to call me ****. What? It's like a piss lollipop. I am not sucking on it. Brace yourselves, Lufanians, for the confession of the year.

1:20Hola.

1:21Anna Williamson:Hola. It's Thursday. We love a Thursday, don't we? Gits. It's such a good day of the week. Because it's one day from Friday, which is one day from Saturday. Exactly. And Thursday is apparently the best day of the week. In fact, I saw Grace Dent talk about it on Instagram, so it must be real. And also, Thursday was always the day to go out in London for the Londoners. Because then when I lived in London, I'd be like, oh, all the tourists come at the weekend. Like, no Londoners go out at the weekend. And there's a very high chance that nowadays one can work from home on a Friday. so you get smashed on a Thursday.

1:52Anna Williamson:Done. And you know what? You can do that whilst listening to this episode because, of course, it is Luanna's Totally Extra. She's Zisbag. I'm A Dog. Imo's here. And this is your Thursday episode of Rants, Extra Chat, Extra Confessions and Stories, all delivered up deliciously by you. Now, before we do anything, please make sure you are following on your favourite podcast platform. Please follow us. Yes, please. Otherwise, you can't be part of our gang. Okay? So do it now, please. Thank you. Right, should we have Muff Hunt in with a message from Sarah? I was talking about Muff Hunt, the worst hoff-woff at Stansted Airport the other day.

2:28Oh, my God. Do you know what? Brutal. I think it's everywhere. Just absolute brutal nostril assault. It's because it's hot. It's because it's hot.

2:37Anna Williamson:It's hot muff. It's the hot muff. I think it's only to be rivaled by hot bins at the moment, to be honest. Hot bins, hot muff. I was in Palermo Airport. Let me tell you, those Sicilian bogs definitely rivaled the UK bogs. The waff was waffing. Oh, awful. Right, Sarah, she says, Hi, Luanna. My first time writing in. Sorry, guys, it's been a long day. I literally got off a horse like 20 minutes ago, just had a shower, and I'm now on this record and have six people coming over for dinner in T-minus 50 minutes. This is how we roll, guys, for you. You are welcome. So let's see what Sarah has to say.

3:14She says, Hi, Luanna. My first time writing in. I only did that to annoy you two. I only found you guys a few months ago, so I'm working backwards through the episodes. Well done, Sarah. Love the content and the laughter every episode, so thank you and wish I had found you sooner. I have a funny story to tell you. Six years ago, I divorced my husband and bought my own home, a small holding in a village. Oh, you're already talking my language. A small holding in a village where I grew up, so far enough away from people, but enough to feel like home. A sanctuary. I have three children who were only three, four and five at the time.

3:55Wow. So I had to get used to spending evenings on my own and how to amuse myself. One summer evening, I was sitting outside having just had a shower and generally I don't wear many clothes as there aren't any neighbours overlooking and I just like the freedom. You let it all hang loose there, Sarah. Good for you. It's the country way. It was a full moon and a warm night, about 10.30pm, and I could hear the combines out harvesting in the distance, bliss. When I started Googling how to handle the ants' nest growing in the side of the house under one of the upstairs windows, which was getting excessive, each day they would flood down the wall, get on the washing line and fill the garden, which we all hated.

4:37It suggested at night time to put ant powder in to kill them off while they're asleep. So I decided to give it a go. I put on a t-shirt and thought, bugger it, I won't need any pants on. I got the tallest ladder I could find and armed with the amp powder, I started climbing up the ladder at the side of the house. I got up to where I needed to be and with one hand on the ladder, I used the other one to squirt in the powder. And just then, I heard the sound of a vehicle approaching. Sorry, I just burped. Panicking, I realised that my large, giant white backside, shining in the moonlight, is clearly visible as I am now over the height of the front fence and I have a white t-shirt on to attract attention.

5:19Not one, but three trailers and tractors went past in succession. Spotting me, they honked their horns and flashed their lights and I just stood there, stuck on the ladder, accepting my defeat. I silently retreated, realising I probably gave them a highlight of their night and I will likely now be known as the flasher forevermore. No need to keep me in on. Flashing and proud, Sarah from Norfolk.

5:45Anna Williamson:Look, the harvest is happening as we speak. You know, those farmers, you need to give them a little bit of incentive, I say. A little bit of a boomph. Exactly. So I reckon, Lou, if you could do a little streak around your country estate for some of your nearby combine harvesters, you'd be doing a service. I know all my local farmers. There you go, to the farming community. They collect my muck heap and stuff. There you go. Friends with James' wife, Sam. I only saw her today when I was out riding. There you go. She was out walking. He was on the old tractor. Oh, it's very country. It's so lovely.

6:17Too country now. Get me back to Dubai, I say. Are you looking forward to it? I am going back soon. You are. This month. You are.

6:26Anna Williamson:From heat to heat. I mean, it's working quite well in your favour. Yeah, it's true. I've acclimatised. You have, you have. Right, voice note from Ellison next. Hi, Luanna Mayo. um i don't know really how to start voice notes feels quite awkward but i was just listening to the podcast where you were saying about if anyone regrets their kids names well my mom didn't regret my name um no need to keep me anonymous my name's ellis all of my friends that listen will know this is me anyways um but my parents are going to call me peekaboo what so yeah i think i got off pretty likely being a girl called ellis so everyone thinks i'm a man till they meet me as it's a boy's name i know a girl ellis so my boyfriend tells me that he would not be going out of me if that was my name which is really nice um but yeah that's got to be probably one of the wildest names that someone would be called i mean that's actually crazy here's one for you right i actually really like that as a horse name peekaboo oh no it's a no from me peaky Peaky Peaky Peaky Peaky sounds like you're about to be sick I actually Ellis can I just say that I know a girl called Ellis me too actually two in fact there's one in one of my kids classes but here's something for you have you girls or any Lufanians have you ever not gone out with someone or not snogged or dated or said yes to someone because of their name and you've just gone it's just a no from me because there are some names I'll do anyone then

8:03I've had I've had some weird name guys as well. Haven't you had a Jorge or something?

8:10Anna Williamson:I know that was a friend of mine. I had a Pedro. I had a Pedro. Pedro. Pedro. Pedro Pony. Pedro Pony. He was a removal guy. I've had really boring names, actually. Mine have all been just really vanilla names. I had a Pedro. I had a Pedro. I had a Pedro. I had a Zaki. Loughton. He sold a story on me. Oh, yeah, him. Didn't get right with any peekaboos then. no peekaboos i haven't had that many boring names either like i've never done a jack have you i've never done a william or a henry or a harry no i have to admit peter what about granddad names have you done like a peter a gary and nigel that's what i'm talking about like the gary and kevin and steve and i've never sucked off a kevin great i would like to say no offense for anyone that has these names.

9:05Anna Williamson:It's just, you know, I'm just curious. Anyway, there you go. Food for thought. All right, Ick. Lovely. There she is. I mean, how she has the audacity. Actually, no, she hasn't been picky, actually. Anyway, Ick from Michelle. Live Ick unlocked, walking behind a very handsome man in London City to see him reach out and attempt to grab one of those dandelion fluffy things from the air. only he missed he then attempted it again and missed again Vag tried instantly

9:42Anna Williamson:love the pod and all that cheers Michelle from Thoreau Essex oh my god

9:55Anna Williamson:right guys if you're watching you may notice that there's been a slight scene change just like EastEnders we like just to you know shake it up and move around we've had a bit of a wi-fi issue so lou has now moved into actually a little snippet if you're watching on youtube every reason now to go onto youtube because lou lou is in the dons the don big a big ad the mothership's office okay we've moved her along chappies too hopefully the fucking wi-fi works because i'm very stressed out about this guys she is she is but she's moved into a different wing echoey well it doesn't matter doesn't matter the pod will always go on there is soft furnishings in here it's just a very big old tall room it's basically the size of a school hall um one of the walls is glass so uh it's the most beautiful room yeah and there's good panelling so basically guys get onto youtube now if you're being a nosy bastard and want to see a part of lou's house that she never allows anyone to see it's a gorgeous it's actually my favorite room in your house it's really nice it's classed as the library but Andrew took it as his office I would like have like proper Fifty Shades of Grey sex in there with Andrew I've never had sex with Andrew I've never had sex in this room have you not?

11:09Anna Williamson:Don't you have like power sex over the desk? I'm in charge Andrew I'm the mummer Remind me of that song I'm the leader I'm the You might think you're powerful Andrew but I'm the one who pulls the strings. The power of the pussy. Let's move on. Let's move on to a voice note round from Anonymous. So Tinkerbell End.

11:38Hi, lovely Luanna team. I am doing this voice note from my car. I have just been in the gym and like loads of other people that seem to be in my gym, I guess it's a thing to do, I decided to do some walking on the treadmill at the end of my session so I jump on the treadmill I you know put the old incline on I'm marching away and this guy gets on the treadmill next to me and oh my god the smell and I'm not talking body odor you expect body odor in the gym like everyone's working out that's cool put some deodorant on it's not normally too bad this guy's smell of what I can only describe as hot penis oh that smell of just unwashed penis to the point that i had to leave the treadmill because i was trying the reason i'm croaky is because i was trying to not breathe through my nose i had to close my nostrils down and just breathe through my mouth oh no then she's breathing in the clock it's just it's just antisocial please don't do it so so that is my rant um and uh mo give me one of your best names um i couldn't think of anything smart that was sort of smelly dick related okay love you all bye i do you know what i've never i've never smelled like cockwoff like like hot cockwoff sweaty balls oh i have i actually i think i like that smell remember you love that yeah you love a sweaty penis oh i quite like a gym dick no i i do not i would like to say no i think this is yet

13:16Anna Williamson:another reason number 84 for being a lesbian slash bisexual i would like um a description of what jim dick smells like i can i can tell you i can tell you it's a bit urany you describe it like urany fishy yeasty like i know this sounds like like sweaty vag yeah but worse like i know this sounds really awful to say this but have you you know you've walked i've ever walked past like someone that lives on like a homeless person that clearly hasn't washed for a really long time. Now I know that sounds really mean but it's the only way I can describe it accurately. And you go and it actually makes you go Jesus.

13:53Anna Williamson:It's like a pissy smell. No that's not the gym dick that I like the smell of though. Yeah I would be very concerned if you liked that. Yeah like I guess it's like piss fish smell. Piss fish. Yeah piss fish. There you go. Piss fish. Yeah it's like weird. it's like a crab stick gone off oh yeah see cocks smell like fish too there you go that's really interesting i think it's the urine it's stale urine what else is gross is what i just get the ick when guys do this guys go to the toilet and they don't wipe with the toilet paper and they just drip dry and then it's like all that piss is like then sitting on your cock, in your foreskin, if you've got a foreskin.

14:39It's fucking disgusting. And then you want us to suck on those things like a lollipop. It's like a piss lollipop. I am not sucking on it.

14:48Anna Williamson:It's basically licking a toilet. It is actually licking. Do you know what I will give a, I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I'm going to give credit to my dad. Okay, Papa Peter, because I remember growing up. When you lick his cock, it's a toilet. Is that what you're about to say? Oh, there's that line. You're now giving credit. There's that line fully, fully crossed. A puff of pieces cock. No, my dad used to, with my brothers, and just because I was a nosy bastard and used to like hover around trying to look, I remember my dad teaching my brothers, not like showing them, but just taking them into the toilets and telling them to pull off two pieces of loo roll.

15:21Anna Williamson:You fold it up. And then when you've done your wig, you give it a little shake, exactly. And then you dab the end of your little dinkle to clean. No man is doing that at the urinal. I'm sorry, they're not. Well, they need to be. There's no toilet paper at the urinal. Exactly. They're not like trotting off into the stalls and get some toilet paper. I mean, the basics would be to shake it off at a urinal. But guys, this is my number... How do you say urinal, am I? Urinal. Urinal. Urinal. Urinal. Urinal. All right, American. Urinal. This is another case for having a bidet. Since being back from Sicily, I am really missing the bidet.

15:55Anna Williamson:My kids were using the bidet every day. Like, yeah, we need bidets in the UK. Or we need the Dubai toilets. We need the Dubai toilets. Bring us a doob's bog back when you're there and back again. Yeah, I will. Right. Jokes now, our favourite time of the pod. Joke from a non-so porn star name. Brilliant. Thank him. Well done, Emma. Do you know what boils my piss? A hotel kettle. I've just got a thing about hotel kettles. It's like me last week. You really put me off, you know, me having that cuppa last week at my hotel. Did it taste of piss or period? It was a bit chlorine-y. I'm not going to lie.

16:35Anna Williamson:See? Then I thought, I've had worse. Could be a piss stick. Exactly. Phoebe's also got a joke. She says, what's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch. Very good. And we got it. I like that one. And thank you, Phoebe from Humpshire. Thanks, Feeze. Keep all your jokes coming in, guys. We're loving them and we got both of them this week. So this is good. Next is a voice note. Oh, I said what I said from Anonymous. So Sandy Beach, what are you saying, Sandy? Morning, Luana. Or is it afternoon? I don't even know. I'm on holiday right now.

17:18Unpopular opinion here. I fucking hate the beach. I don't care what anyone says. If they say they enjoy it, sorry, and caveat, if they have children, then they are liars. I don't know if it's my children. maybe in a past life they were gremlins but whenever water touches them they turn into feral beasts and they won't come out of it again and i do get them out of the water to refill top up their sun cream they're covered in the sand so i can't put sun cream on them send them back into the water to wash off the sand and then it just it goes around again can't get them out and it is exhausting my husband just literally a prune in the water because they you know i can't swim he's in there with them i do that i believe alex doing it honestly he said holidaying with kids was a good idea it's not it's easier at home the beach not and sand gets everywhere abs and i mean everywhere oh yeah do you know what i've got a really good mum tip talcum powder oh have you not heard of this oh i take it it's in my beach bag with those kids basically you just put talcum powder wherever there's like sand and it just rubs off really quickly i mean it sounds like a really sensible idea i just wished i'd known about this last week

18:32Anna Williamson:when i've just spent three weeks i just thought every parent knew that no i i that one missed me oh no we have we take big talcum powder you put it on your feet and the sand just brushes off well this is unpopular opinion here but that's why i prefer a pebble beach I like a pebble beach because I hate that ruddy sand. The amount of sand I had in my crack, honestly, over the last couple of weeks, I'd be getting in that shower, like going for a poo, and I'd be like wiping and then like exfoliating my arnus because there was still sand somewhere in my orifices. I'm with her. I'm with her. Right, Petty Polly from Anonymous.

19:08Anna Williamson:So calm and kiss me. Calm and kiss me. Right, hey, girlies, love the pod. Just thought I'd fully win on a Petty Polly. So when my partner pisses me off, I give him the fork I use to dip. that I used the dish out of the dog food to use for his dinner. I am an evil bastard because I love this. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I actually could. I think I really hate my husband. It's awful. I think I'm really nice. Like, honestly, when I read these things, I think I'm like the nicest wife. I think you are. I don't actually do this, but I do sometimes think I would do it if he was annoying. I couldn't live with myself if I did this.

19:43Could you not?

19:44Anna Williamson:It's terrible. As I sit here now and my husband is in the other room doing colouring with our daughter, being dad of the year, I'm thinking these awful things. You're going to give him Teddy's cat food fork. I am. He eats his dinner, none the wiser, makes his food all smug inside. Best keep me a non in case he ever overhears this. Hate to give the game away. I think that's so bad. So bad. And we've all got, we all have, like, the dog food or the cat food fork. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, we've all got that section. Oh, my God. Okay, voice note rant from a non. So Chloe Nippini. Chloe Nippini.

20:20Chloe Nippini. Chloe Nippini. Chloe Nippini. Weenie Pini. Chloe Nippini. Morning girls. Incoming rent. I've just come back from holiday. And obviously you can hear that I'm not very well. Got plane lurking. But whilst I was on holiday, me and my partner were sat watching the entertainment in a lovely time. and some dirty fucking pig came and sat next to us and was doing that kind of snorty like, I don't even I can't even do it, like clearing the back of his throat thing Honestly, I honestly almost punched him, I was so annoyed and he was Spanish because we're in the Dominican and I googled how to say please stop doing that within your ear shop or I will shit in your hurt and I just kept playing it aloud on Google Translate but fuck me, it was really annoying and I honestly was feeling so sick because I got plain lurgy it's just sat there and he wouldn't stop doing it and his partner that was with him didn't say anything and I said to my partner, I said I swear to god if you sat down next to me and did that I would fucking dump you it's disgusting, dirty fucking pig dirty pig, I couldn't relate more

21:38Anna Williamson:I'm a revolt, anyone that does that is like awful I do that not in public I've never heard you do that what because not in public but it is a great way to clear but I'm not public oh do you know what someone did on holiday yesterday they came out the sea this guy no but this guy came out the sea and I was like no and he literally went did one finger on one nostril literally came out the sea and we are in paradise right and he comes out this guy and he literally goes wallops out one nostril wallops out the other nostril literally and I'm like Like, you absolute animal. Couldn't you have done that discreetly over by those rocks?

22:13In the sea.

22:14Anna Williamson:Like, well, he did do it in the sea, but as he was coming out, like, on the shoreline, you know, and you're like, dude, I'm eating my panini. Like, no. The panini has been interrupted. Oh, put me right off, my pomodoro.

22:32Introducing a Beko state of mind. Dad, I'm really hungry. Dinner's in the oven, sweetie.

22:42Anna Williamson:Dad, I need my PE kit! Washed, dried and ready to go. Busy homes put everything to the test. That's why at Beko, we stress test all our appliances to the extreme. So you can be stress free. That's a Beko state of mind. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. T 'was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I buy. We've got an RMF. What's an RMF? Rate my fart. Always thought of rate my fart from Laura.