TOTALLY EXTRA: Inconvenient friendships, Misheard lyrics & Guff mail

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Aloha. Good morning and happy turds day, everybody. Happy turds day to all you Irish listeners out there. I just want to welcome you with my open arms. That's quite good, actually. It's Lu, it's Anna. It's a stew and dumpling kind of day. Oh, I could do a stew and dumpling. I might make a nice veggie, slow-cooked stew and dumplings tonight. I mean, that sounds nice other than the veggie bit. I like a nice bit of, like, lamb that sort of starts to disintegrate and just...

0:49Anna Williamson:Isn't that right, Producer Inns? You love a little bit of slow-roasted lambage. I like a veg. But to be fair, I've just had a nice HelloFresh delivery, so I'll be cooking that. Cooking that bad boy up. And then don't even have to think about what I'm cooking. Exactly. Bosh, bash, bosh. Bish, bash, bosh. No wasted you though. There you go. Hello, I'm working with HelloFresh. Can you tell? Right, anyway, this is Thursday. Actually, we don't even have to do the legwork on this episode because it's yours. So let's see what you got. First up, it's the misheard lyric from Louise. Oh, we love a misheard lyric.

1:23Anna Williamson:Oh, this is good. I've been playing Bob Dylan's version of knocking on heaven's door. I sing this to my mum because she's getting old. So give us a song on this one, Lou. Cracked up afterwards when my then six-year-old son, Curiosity, got the better of him and he asked, who's Kevin? And why does that man keep knocking on his door? Bless. Knock, knock, knocking on Kevin's door. Oh, who's Kevin? Why does he keep knocking? Oh, we've got another message in from a non. So we've called you Penny Trash. Oh, Penny Trash. Penetration Penetration Did you make that up, Emma? I did Good one Give that girl a pay rise Penetration So it's a high-low anime Misheard lyrics here This is a very popular new feature I genuinely thought the lyrics to More Than A Woman More than a woman Were one-legged woman And I correct it And corrected by a colleague of mine many years later For context, I recruit doctors across New Zealand and Australia, and this song had come on in the office one morning when I'd said, I wonder if surgeons have this on their playlist.

2:33Cue confused looks and me repeating the lyrics, One-legged woman, and getting ripped a new one. Since then, one of my ex-colleagues and a very good friend continues to refer to me as JT, just a torso. A bit more to that story, but it was one of those where you had to be there. should probably stay on given I still recruit doctors globally and just a torso is somewhat unprofessional given the work doctors do. Thanks for making my Tuesday and Friday drives to work a laugh. 12 hours ahead in Kiwiland. Keep doing you. You're welcome, mate.

3:06Anna Williamson:Thank you for that. Next voice note rant from Elle. My daughter. It's freezing in here. Hey, Luanna and Imo. This is so exciting. I've been listening to you for a couple of years on my sister's recommendation and we love you so much. Thank you. My name is Elle. I am actually messaging you from Australia. I'm in Queensland. It's beautiful, sunny, tropical here right now. I am having coffee and looking out at my pool and I'm on Marketplace doing a bit of shopping because I need to buy furniture and other things for my new home and I have a rant. It's so frustrating. Why don't people put on their ad where they're located?

3:55Anna Williamson:Like I know that in the settings, when you put an ad up, you, um, you can put like where you're located, but it doesn't actually say it on the ad. It just gives you an approximate location that can be like quite far from where you actually are. So the first thing you have to do is be like, hi, where are you located? Um, which is just super stupid. You can just like post your item and in the ad, right, pick up from Graceville. Like, why can't you just say that? It would just save everybody so much time. And the other thing is, furniture and other goods that people would need to know what the dimensions are.

4:31Anna Williamson:Why don't you just put the dimensions in the ad? Like a normal person who's trying to like sell something and like make a bit of an effort, like just say, selling this to see the couch, this much wide, this much high, is much deep located in graceville like just so anyway um that's my rant i want to say thank you for being my little besties in my kitchen while i'm cooking um while i'm in the car basically all the time like you are my therapy you're hilarious you're inappropriate and i think of you every time i fart in the bath so thanks for being and i hope this rant makes it love you bye Oh, thanks, beautiful.

5:13A very polite rant. And I also love the fact that clearly you live near a place called Graceville. Love her. She sounds very graceful, doesn't she? Yeah, yeah. My kind of girl, Elle. You're calm. Next great name. We've got Spunky McSpunkface. Was that you as well, Emma?

5:30Anna Williamson:Yeah. Emma? I ran out of my dears. This is so funny. She's cracking up. Look how funny she's found it. She's found it really good. She's so happy with Spunky McSpunkface. And seven years producing this partnership, my time has come. Oh, my gosh. Bex has got another promotion. Hi, Luanny Mex. I've added Bex in, even if she doesn't have a mic, this person said. Wow, Bex is getting above our station. She is. Al is looking very excited. Luanny Mexal? He wants it to be Luanny Mexal. Sounds like a mop result or something. It's not going to work, guys. It's actually clinical. But he is now texting Bex because she's been upgraded.

6:13Love you, Huns. Love the pod, Ovs. Need your wisdom on this one. Saw a TikTok the other day discussing this and I was genuinely interested on hearing each of your thoughts on the matter. What with Lou's no-nonsense views, Anna's life coach background and Imo being a woman of the people.

6:29Anna Williamson:I mean, how to describe the perfect trio, right? Imo needs to win a Pride of Britain award. Woman of the people. Right The question they were talking on was Do you think we should go back to Inconveniencing ourselves for others Oh I like that And I really resonated with it I feel like now more and more people don't show up For friends, family or acquaintances Hiding behind supposed boundaries I get boundaries can be important But part of me feels like they're rotting away relationships Of course we'd all rather stay home Stick our PJs on, order a takeaway And snuggle down in front of the telly Instead of getting an outfit on, putting slap on I'm traveling out of our way to go to this or that.

7:09But why is it becoming such a thing that people simply won't do anything they don't personally benefit from? Nowadays, I feel like if there's an inkling of I can't be asked or I don't want to do that, then people just don't rather than thinking, oh, but they'll be so chuffed if I show up. Or, but I haven't seen them in ages. Or I would feel sad if people have bailed on my whatever event it was. My question is, am I a dinosaur expecting friends to, you know, actually show up sometimes? Or is this genuinely the modern way and I should accept that people can dip out of anything if they don't want to?

7:43Am I the arsehole for wanting more and expecting people to act how I would? Or is it fine to be a flaky cow? Love you long time and nom.

7:50Anna Williamson:This is such a good question actually. This is good because, you know, I just love saying no to things now. But I'm not flaky. But you'd say it in the effect. For instance, right, I did feel a bit bad. I was in the hairdressers the other day. I was chatting to a lovely lady doing my hair and she said oh you know I'm going to be she's actually also a florist so we bond over creative things and she said to me oh I'm going to be doing like wreath making in December if you'd be interested I said you know I would but I'm going to be away in December and she went well I think I might do it in November and I went I'm going to be totally honest with you said it's really not for me I don't want to go and make a wreath in a room full of people that I don't know.

8:35I've got no interest in talking to. I would rather be at home in my PJs, but thank you so much. And then afterwards, I felt like, was that a bit arseholey of me? But I'm better to say that and then to say, oh, I'd love that. I'll come on the 6th of November and then the day before be like, actually, I'm ill or making up a lame excuse.

8:54Anna Williamson:So with you. And I think more and more, we really preach this, but also practice it too. And I think you're right. There's a very fine line with my life coochie hat on. I'm seeing a lot more of this people miss I'm dying at this I know you know why but in general but people do confuse boundaries though no no no take that equation but people do confuse she's laughing at me because I couldn't do something in the week but people do confuse boundaries people do confuse boundaries though with just being bloody selfish sometimes oh no I can't go to that thing tomorrow or whatever it's my boundary no it's not you just don't want to go I don't want to go.

9:33Anna Williamson:So I think the problem is people often are now confusing therapy speak, which can, yeah, come across as really bloody selfish sometimes. And I do think, yes, I'm a big advocate. Like to your point, Lou, be true to who you are. If you really don't want to do something, you hate to do that thing, just say no. I've learned that. The art of saying no, because I do think actually that us Brits, we are quite people pleasers. But say no, say it kindly and think of maybe, but I think you also do. Let's be honest, there are some people and some occasions where, yeah, I do think you should just suck it up.

10:03Anna Williamson:You know, if your friend is doing, and you know, you think of that person, you know it would mean so much to that person. Like, let's be honest. Like, let's say, probably in the real life scenario with me, when I had like my last book launch, last thing you wanted to do was come, because it's not your cup of tea. I mean, you even said it, but you did do it. But you did it because you knew it meant a lot to me. And I also appreciated. Was that when I sprayed farts for me on that girl? You did a fart. That was very entertaining. Weren't you there as well then? I was, yeah. Yeah, you were. But I know that that's.

10:31I always say spray, fart spray. You did. You were very naughty. Well, just me, but in fun, entertaining too.

10:36Anna Williamson:But in those scenarios, and it's the same thing, if you had something on and you were like, this would mean so much to me if you came, I don't know. Say you were up for an award. Of course I'd show up for it. So I think it's circumstantial. You know that you show up for each other. Right. And I think if you're feeling like you'd show up for someone but they wouldn't show up for you, then perhaps you question then that relationship and friendship. Yeah. What I don't like, and I do have a couple of people I know that do this they kind of quite arsely and I think selfishly will yeah the night before just go actually I'm burnt out I'm not coming tomorrow it's my boundary it's like well no it's not you're just fucking tired you're just tired and you're just and I think saying it as a rude statement is insensitive and I think in that situation you just be honest and go look I'm really tired and I'm really sorry blah blah blah so it's an interesting one what do you think Nufani is in fact we'd love to hear from you let us know on YouTube you can comment and let us know what you think you can share this and let other people join in the conversation comment below and let us know on the whatsapp or the email we've got a voice note now from another anonymous and Emma's been really having fun with these names Ophelia Cervix I tell you this is exceptional you could write jokes for a living Ophelia Cervix Ophelia oh girls i'm just listening to the pod i'm catching up aren't i and just open my back door not that back door my actual back door um as just as immo is doing her did you know of the week and really loudly across the street, Anna goes, so you could fit not one but two raccoons up your arse?

12:29Anna Williamson:Great. Bloody brilliant. Sorry, mate. This has caught me out. And it's always in the quiet sort of shops, isn't it? And I suddenly flick onto one of our videos and it is like me screeching about something. I'm like, oh, God, this is embarrassing. we've got a petty poly now Anna use your faves faves from Gasolina did you come up with that one Emo? no that was her oh okay I was going to say you've dropped the bowl do you want to read this one? yeah hi Luan Emo I thought I'd write in after my incident with another lovely vintage shopper there's a lot of vintage rants that I hear I've never sold on vintage I have it's good is it I've got so much stuff where do you sell like designer stuff I've got loads of designer dresses that I want to sell.

13:16Vinted? Vinted would you say? Like a liar and like Chanel and stuff. eBay? Yeah, I don't know.

13:24Anna Williamson:I was selling a two-piece that I'd bought for£100 and I'd only worn a couple of times so I only put it up for£40 being open to reasonable offers. I say that's fair but I know what people like on Vinted. After a lady put in an offer of£30 which I was willing to accept, it came with a bomb bar with messages asking me to go cheaper. When could I ship it? More pictures of the item. Too annoying. Oh, stop. Yes. Cancel the sale. I would cancel it. It's too annoying. It's too annoying. It's sold a scene. Exactly. It'll be with you. Fuck off with your questions. It's a 30 quid dress and I don't have time for this shit.

13:57And what's the courier service?

14:01Anna Williamson:DHL. No, I keep going. Etsy. Every. Every. It'll be with you whenever every delivers it, basically. So which I answered all. Oh, she answered. And I said I wouldn't go cheaper than 30 pounds as I bought it for much more and it was in perfect condition. This was followed with a thousand more questions and asking me to sell it for cheaper, which I was now ignoring good as I had many other offers from what seemed to be a reasonable people just wanting this set. This lady then bought the item and asked me to ship it that day, to which I replied, if I have the time, I'll get it out today, which is the courtesy.

14:31Anna Williamson:That's how we roll on this, yeah? That's the etiquette. Later that evening, when packing up the parcel, I decided to get my innocent sweet sweet revenge and wrap up the parcel with a little roast dinner. The fart. She farted in her. I farted. Yes, I held that parcel over my arse and I farted into it, proceeding to quickly shut it and tape it. The gas. The gas in there. This is so good. Now I know the fart probably won't have survived the journey, but it felt good knowing that I had my way of saying F you, Vinted Lady, and it was nice to know she did not wash it first. She'd be walking around with my farts on her.

15:09Anna Williamson:Keep me anonymous, just in case she tracks me down. Give me the porn star name of Gasolina. Love you girls in the pod. Excellent. I would like to say there is no better petty poly than a cheeky guff. That is so good. We've got another message from Claire in next. She says, can I tell you a story about how I know human shit tastes just like medium and rare cooked calf's liver? Oh, my gosh. Yes, you can, Claire. You've come to the right. I love to think. Claire sits there one day and goes, now I've got this cork of a story. Who should I send it into? I know. Luanna Moe. There it is. She goes, I love the podcast and all that jazz and you don't need to give me a granny porn star name.

15:48My name is Claire and I ain't shit. So we're on a family holiday, travelling down to Cornwall from Hampshire with my now ex-husband and our football team of children. We have four of the beautiful buggers. Three hours in our eight-month-old daughter started pulling the shit face. You know, that straight smile grin that means I'm shitting with grunts, etc. And then the sound, hubba, hubba, hubba from her nappy and splat. It was all up her back to her shoulders and the car was heaving with that sweet acid scent. We pull into Exeter service station. I'd Land Rover at the time, so we flipped the boot open.

16:26It was the perfect baby changing boot flap. I lift shitty baby out her car seat and pop baby girl down whilst calling her a dirty bitch. she's sucking her dummy at the time and I take her massive shitty nappy off plonk it to one side and start cleaning her shitty arse, legs and back she then spits her dummy out, it was launched high into the air and landed perfectly teat side down in her own heaving shitty nappy oh you dirty girl I said, I removed her shitty dummy with the massive chip of shit on it and put it to one side to be chucked so baby girl now clean wrap up the nappy, pick up the baby grab the dummy instinctively and what does every mum do to sterilise the dummy without thinking?

17:05You give it a good old suck. We do, we've all been there. Yeah, that massive chip of shite went in my mouth and I ate it. My ex-husband was honking that I had shit on both corners of my mouth like I'd licked chocolate ice cream. It didn't taste like that and I can with hand on heart say actual human shit tastes like medium rare-cooked calf sliver. I love you guys. Claire from Romsey in Hampshire.

17:34just oh grim we've all done that dummy suck though we have the back yeah right we've got a voice note right next uh emma strikes again with connie lingers Oh,

17:49Anna Williamson:live rant incoming. It's a, it's a vintage rant. Oh, another one. I'm just selling a few bits and bobs around the house, just old shit that I don't need anymore for a couple of quid. But one thing I'm trying to sell is two old Pandora bracelets. Not worn them for fucking years. So selling them for, I don't know, between five and ten quid. not a lot of fucking money within the sale advertisement that i have on my vintage is a clear picture of the bracelet with a tape measure because i've had it before where some dickheads receive something from me and say it's not the right size what if i'm like well you knew anyway why have I had maybe six fucking dickheads ask me what size is the bracelet look at the fucking picture it isn't fucking difficult you clearly haven't actually bothered to read anything that I've said about this bracelet bearing in mind 5 to 10 quid if you're that fucking anal about 10 fucking quid then you need to fucking get a life like just look at the picture So every single person that asks me now, what size is your bracelet?

19:10Anna Williamson:I just reply saying, look at the pictures. It's not difficult. Why are people so fucking stupid? I can't give you any more information. It doesn't come with a size on it. It's not like small, medium and large. But the tape measure, having the exact measurement of what it is, average woman is about seven inches for wrist. I'm below that. I'm about six. but the bracelet is seven inches. As in the picture, measure your own fucking wrist and you'll see if it fits, you lazy fucking bastards. Strong. Well, she's obviously a popular bracelet. Is it? Yes. Isn't it? But people don't read it. The amount of times I will do an outfit post for celebs and the whole post is on the outfit.

19:56Anna Williamson:Yeah, and then people say, where's that from? The whole tag is... I've got that. I just don't reply. I just think you're a fucking dickhead. I'm like, the whole post is about the outfit with every single thing. Where is it from? You should just reply that. The whole post is about the outfit. Read. Read. Right, some confessions now. I've never told anyone this, but. Hi, Luanna. Love the pod. Obsessed. Recently saw Anna at the Tower of London. Oh, did she? Oh. Which was lovely, but in true embarrassing fashion. Oh, yes, she did. As she pishly shouted, I'm a little fanion! As she walked away. Oh, no!

20:30Cue my husband laughing and taking the piss all afternoon. Anyway, my confession. I'm about 14, 15, the era where mum's thought sleepovers meant braiding hair, scoffing chips and whispering about who we fancied until midnight. Reality, I was down the local park probably getting fingered and necking two litre bottles of Lambrini. If you know, you know. We know. The teenage of creams. We've all been there. Part of our road trip at the very end was me showing these guys around where I was from and they all just were so uninterested. and Imo actually fell asleep.

21:02Anna Williamson:We were wondering what. Everyone was tired. She's like, and it is when I got fingered. Cut to a few hours later, Tipsy and Feral, me and the girls decided to spice things up with a flower picking competition. And by flowers, I mean all flowers. Duffodils from roundabouts, roses from front gardens. Basically, if it grew, we nicked it. Oh, that's so naughty. Armed with our prize winning haul, we thought, what on earth are we going to do with this glorious bouquet of chaos? For reasons only Lambrini can explain, and we decided the perfect spot was the bonnet of my mate's neighbour's Porsche. Their absolute pride and joy.

21:35Polished daily like it was a newborn baby. And there we were staggering up and plonking a scruffy drunken bachow on it like some tipsy Cupid tribute before bobbling inside to collapse in bed. Fast forward to Monday at school. My friend comes running up like she's delivering breaking news. Turns out the flowers sparked World War 3 next door. Her neighbour's husband was convinced the wife was having an affair. Apparently he'd always suspected. And this was a smoking gun, an anonymous bouquet on her car. Cue a weekend long screaming match. The wife had even popped over to the neighbours and told my mate's mum that potentially divorce was on the cards.

22:14All thanks to Lambrini guzzling florists. To this day, I don't know if they split up. But I do know that I single-handedly planted the seed, pun intended, of marital doom. Sorry, not sorry. From your local flower bandit and accidental homewrecker.

22:30Anna Williamson:Oh, my God. Well, they had other issues. Yeah, I was going to say that was the tip of the iceberg, Babs. That was. Yeah, it didn't help. Or maybe it did help. You never know which way of looking at it. Right, second confession. Girls love the pod and all that shit. My confession. My husband is the biggest Oasis fan but couldn't get gig tickets. Well, at work this week, we had a thing to nominate someone who'd done something above and beyond, and they'd be in with a chance to win a prize. Guess the prize? Tickets to Oasis. Guess the winner? Little old me! But here's the confession part. Oh, spit me.

23:04Anna Williamson:I'm not going to take my husband with me. I'm taking my best mate, who's an equally big fan, and I think I'll just have a better night out with her. Oh, that's so mean! Awful, I know. Maybe I just won't tell him. Oh, you can't. That's nasty. It's funny, though. Oh, I think that's really mean. I wouldn't do that. You would, you bitch. Show it, Imo. Look, that is so nasty. She's a better wife than we are, Imo. Oh, my God. Guys, that's nasty. It would be a toss-up for me. It would be. I'd have to think about it. Certainly. I would probably take Al, though. She wouldn't. She's so mean. You're both bitches.