TOTALLY EXTRA: KY Jam, Parenting Hacks gone Wrong & an Accidental AA Meeting

0:01Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I apply. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

0:46Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Way fair, every style, every home. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content. But you're here, and you know you love it. Do you know what, guys? We flipping love you. Happy Thursday to you. This, of course, is your episode. It's the bonus, and you know what you always deliver. It's Luana Totally Extra. Who are you?

1:26Louisa. Who am I? I'm Anna. And who are you over there? Imogen. Imogen. Also, I had a really nice guy come up to me and say how much he loved the pod. And I was like, again, another straight guy. It's really, really nice. Loving it. So welcome. If you're like a straight man fan, you are like the new demographic to our fold. And we are loving it. It's normally women and the gays. And we welcome everybody, obviously. We do, but I just love the fact that the straight men are here. Thanks, guys. Well, welcome. they're finding out lots about women stop myself saying something really rude you're so naughty but we like to educate by the way of you so let's just crack on in with your extra chat rants confession stories first up a message from Nadia and she says hi Luanamo I'm loving the pod I'm a new listener welcome I just gave her jazz hands flitting between new and old eps but I had to send this in she is going back and listening as you can do you can well done Louise I'm so proud of you for saying that thank you So, yeah, don't forget you can binge listen whilst you're on your holidays by the swimming pool.

2:30Yes. Get the earphones in now it's summer holiday. If you're up to date, go back to the beginning and start listening again. We've got like thousands of these. So, I work in a pharmacy, she says, and we had this young male pharmacy student on work experience. Bless him. One day an old lady comes in and quietly whispers her request to him. I couldn't hear what she'd asked for, but he confidently goes, yes, no problem. And off he goes. Good lad. Next thing I see, he's walking her over to the jam aisle, giving her a full-scale pitch on diabetic jams. He's going on about all the flavours, how they're sugar-free, great for diabetics, and she's just staring at him, absolutely baffled.

3:05He's so into it, he picks up the strawberry jam to show her up close, thinking she just can't decide which one to get. She tries to repeat herself quietly and he still doesn't get it. He just keeps chatting away about jam, getting frustrated because she's not listening. Eventually, he comes over to me, all flustered, and I ask the lady how I can help. She leans in and goes, I don't want to make it so obvious, but I'm asking for KY jelly. And this man is showing me jam. Oh, he's a little innocent. Oh, Jane, this is too cute. I nearly died. Try not to laugh. Apologised and took her to the lube section while he turned bright red.

3:38Later, he kept saying, I thought she was using the American term jelly instead of jam. Because she didn't say lube. And also, he's been watching far too much American YouTube. Safe to say, he never offered to help in that. No need to keep me anonymous. Nadia from Manchester. Keep on doing what we're doing. Oh, good for him, though. Bless his heart. Jelly. Well, to be fair, you'd say lube. You would. Would you ask for KY Jelly or lube? It's because she was older. It's because she's gone for the classic. The OG lube, the old KY. Did I ever say to you about when I did a work experience at doctor's surgery with my mum was one of the medical secretaries and I was trained on the reception thing, the morning rush at 8am.

4:17and I was just trained that if anyone comes in wanting a smear test you had to check where they were in their cycle so if I was booking them so I always had to be trained if you're booking for a smear because it's obviously routine for most people ask when the last cycle is to do it so then this lady comes in she's like I'm booking him for my smear I was like oh when's your last cycle and she was like I hadn't realised she was like in her 80s she was like I haven't had a period in 30 years dear I remember thinking 40 years ago and I felt so embarrassed but you know what it taught me it's taught me vigilant.

4:47But also, she might, you know, you never know with people looking younger and older. Well, I also probably didn't know at 15 that if people stopped having periods, if I'm completely honest. Right, we've got a voice note from Stacey next. Hi girls. Love the pod and all that jazz. I was listening to the pod last week about life hacks and about the lady who said when their child is having a meltdown to say, what's that smell? my four-year-old daughter is very fond of a meltdown so I tried it so we were by the swimming pool her brother was swimming she was sitting on my lap having a meltdown and I said oh what's that smell because she replied at the top of her voice your vagina so it did stop the meltdown but every single other parent was staring at me at the side of the pool so I don't think I'm gonna try it again no need to keep me anonymous i am stacy from bromsgrove do you know what that is a good life hack because you say what's that smell and they breathe in and it reminded me clemmy was having a little meltdown the other day and i said to just breathe and then she held up her little hand and her tiny little finger she's so cute and she went oh the finger one yeah and every time she took a breath she ran up her finger and then out down her finger and i went That's so clever.

6:12Who taught you that? School. She said Miss Carmen. Yeah, it's a school technique. And I was like, that's so cute. Yeah, it's a brilliant technique. I love Miss Carmen. It's a nice calming technique. And then she kept doing her little up, down, up, down, and her breathing. Very cute. Love that. Right, talking to kids. Kids do the funniest things from Jade. She says, good morning, beautiful ladies. I have one for the stupid things kids say category. Except this time, it's not something he said. It's what he did. And it wasn't a cute clueless toddler moment. Oh no, this came from my lovable but dopey 12-year-old son.

6:48Now, let me set the scene. My boy is sports mad. Football, rugby, athletics, you name it, if it involves a ball or running around, he's in it. The kid eats like a linebacker, constantly fueling his muscles, aka raiding my kitchen like a raccoon in a bim. This is good. Healthy, yeah. So one day he comes home beaming with pride. Mum, I've been picked to do athletics all day tomorrow with the year above. Go on, boy. Brilliant, right? This lad is going places. I'm already picturing the Olympic gold medals, Premier League contracts, and of course the inevitable Cheers Mum mansion he's going to buy me.

7:23So I set about making him the most nourishing protein-packed lunch I can imagine. I'm talking chef's kiss level. Fresh soft bread. A three-tier roast beef sandwich. lovingly slathered in Lerpac and his favourite sauce, lettuce, snacks galore for the energy, water, banana, the absolute works. And I tell him, your sandwich is in the fridge wrapped in foil. Don't forget it in the morning. The next day I'm at work, I get a little text update from him about how athletics is going. And then Buzz, mum, I bought some raw meat instead of my sandwich. What? It turns out, also in the fridge that day, were three raw pork chops defrosting for me and his dad's dinner.

8:05My darling son, in his usual whirlwind fashion, grabbed the wrong full package without checking and ended up walking around with raw pork in his backpack all day in 29 degree heat. I laughed so hard I nearly got escorted out of the office. When I got home, I cackled the minute I laid eyes on him. There he was, unbothered, casually saying, Don't worry, Mum, I brought them back so you can still have them for dinner. No thanks, mate. I'd rather not risk a family-wide pork-induced food-poising incident. We're having Jackie Pease tonight. But I recognise the consideration he committed by keeping hold of the decaying raw meat in his bag for three hours of his day.

8:43The best part, despite surviving the whole day without the main course masterpiece of the sandwich I've made, the kid only went and came first in a 100-metre sprint race. Absolute legend. He's dopey, but he's fucked. Good lad. Moral of the story, never underestimate a hungry 12-year-old running on only blind autism. Thank you so much for all the laughter you infect us all with after a long and serious day at work in a women's refuge. Oh, gosh, for domestic abuse. I always look forward to listening to you guys and your lighthearted fun to ground me again. Never stop doing what you do. It means more than you know.

9:16Aw, thank you, lovely Jade from Bedfordshire. Thank you, darling. That's lovely and well done for the work you do. And that sandwich, quite honestly, I really want that bloody sandwich now. You're hungry, aren't you? Oh, I really am. Nice roast beef, three tea. with a bit of horseradish. Delish! Right, voice note rant from James. Hi, girls. It's a live rant coming in. I've just left the gym and every time I leave the gym, I like to go and wash my hands, make sure they're nice and clean in the friday because, you know, sweaty gym equipment. And probably for about the fifth or sixth time in the past few months, I've witnessed someone having a shit in the toilet I know they're having a shit because I can fucking hear it and smell it they leave the cubicle and just walk out they leave the cubicle after just having a shit and just walk out like it's completely fucking normal and then go and use the gym equipment that everyone else is using and not wiping down after themselves because they aren't well fucking washing their hands are they so definitely not wiping down after them oh I'm so happy I've got a home I'm so happy I'm so happy I'm so happy What is wrong with straight men?

10:29Yeah, disgusting. Straight men. That's the straight men thing. I love that. What's wrong with straight men? Just straight bashing now. Straight bashing. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. T 'was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I buy. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

11:24because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Right, message from Anonymous. So, Emmeline, hi girls. Anna, Louisa and Emma. First time writing in, but a long time listener. Thank you, darling. I absolutely adore you girls. And honestly, having you three in my ears twice a week is such a treat. And I know it might sound a bit silly, but truly, it's like the comfort of old friends. It doesn't sound silly at all. It's an honour. I have a lovely husband and two children who are two and four.

12:00We have a very comfortable and happy life, and most of what we do revolves around the kids. Since I was second, my husband and I have just drifted apart. Nothing has happened. We don't really argue, apart from the usual stuff, but nothing that causes major upset or hurt. And we do get along really well, and we do still love each other, but it's so hard to stay connected when you're so busy caring for small children. It's so hard to know how much of it is normal. I know this is impossible for you to answer, as you don't know us or our relationship, but you are both sort of coming out of the other side of having small children that take up all of your time.

12:30And I'm just so keen to hear your thoughts. I love my husband. I really do. He is a good man and he's very straightforward and black and white. And when I try and speak to him and say, we don't have much of a sex life, et cetera, he is just very black and white about it and says we're absolutely fine. It's just the stage in our relationship where we are all about the kids, which I do agree with, but I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but sometimes honestly, I think to myself, is this it? Can losing your spark be situational? Or once you start to drift, is that it? Worth mentioning, we do have occasional date nights, but you can sometimes feel a bit pressured, like here's your moment, have a good time.

13:04Whereas obviously pre-kids, we do stuff all the time, and it was spontaneous and fun. Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm really looking for. But if you can offer any advice on keeping your relationship going when you have small children, that would be amazing or anything you think of when you reflect on your relationships when your children were similar age to ours either pre i.e. preschool anyway granny name love you girls keep up the great work oh i think it's really normal and i do think that you are so in the thick of it life just passes you by and you do forget to connect obviously i'm like clemmy's eight this year my youngest and i'm well out of that stage now and i'd never want to be back in it but i think that you know you do have to make time for each other but equally it's so easy to say oh you've got to make time for each other but it's fucking hard to do that when you're in the thick of it and you've got two kids and you're trying to manage life and stuff and I I honestly believe that it's very normal at your kid's age to go through this just monotonous living life and kind of survival mode with the kids and I think that a lot of people do go through that unless they're lucky enough not like to have a lot of help but you know even I've had a lot of help and we've gone through those stages and I have to say you do come out the other side of it because you get so much more freedom the older your kids get even the fact now that mine get themselves up in the morning and if it's a weekend we can just stay in bed if we want and have a light in because they're more than able to go and turn a telly on and get themselves some food and get themselves some drink and they don't really argue that much and you know we're just everything does get easier as they get older it It really does.

14:42The trenches are hard. And let me tell you now, I'll reassure you, it is so normal, so normal in fact, and here we are, I've done this for a while, Lou, I wrote a whole coaching plan on it. Oh, here we go. It's called The Couples With Kids Plan. The Relationship Place. Yep, so just go to the relationshipplace.co.uk and I have a whole hour of advice and techniques and strategies and catharsis with the Couples With Kids Plan. Just go to the relationshipplace.co.uk, click on Plans, access the Couples With Kids Plan And let me tell you now, I wrote it for you and everybody else that goes through this.

15:14And look, there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Drop me a DM if you need any extra advice on it. And it's very, very normal. It really, really is. It really is. And you do just have to kind of ride that out a bit, I think. Sounds like your relationship is good. Yeah, it sounds like you have a pretty solid relationship, to be fair. Yeah, you're in the trenches a bit still. You do get in that boring stage and you think, why the fuck do we have these kids? And then you come out the other side and then it's fun. I've got a whole session on sex, basically, and how to try and get that sex back into your sex life if you feel it's important.

15:45So just go and have a go on that, and quite literally, and let me know what you think. We've got a petty poly now from Anonymous. We've called you Mavis. Mavis says, One of my close friends and I help each other out with school drop-offs, and occasionally I collect her children too. She's lovely. I'd go out of my way for her. Unfortunately, her partner is a narcissistic nightmare, rude, self-absorbed, and completely lacking in common decency. He snaps at me, never says thank you, and once left his children at my house while I watched him wash his beloved car. He honestly puts his kids very low down the pecking order of his priorities, but to people who don't know him, he portrays he's the doting father.

16:23Anyway, when I finally called him out on his behaviour, true to form, he flipped it on me and blamed my attitude. Classic narcissist. So now, in order to make any interaction remotely tolerable, I engage in a little petty poly behaviour. just to amuse myself. One day while they were out, I took all the tyre pressure caps off his car tyres because I knew it would wind him up. He also refuses to wear a coat no matter the weather. So on rainy days, I take my sweet time opening the door, knowing he'll be left standing in the pissing rain getting wet. I reply with a sweet, Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you knock.

17:00The kids were being loud, internal, inner laugh. My latest move? Kicking the stones from his driveway onto the grass I know he obsesses over them being perfectly tidy The satisfaction of watching him on my ring doorbell Picking them up off his lawn Or even better, imagining one jamming up his lawnmower Is honestly delightful They're away on holiday soon And my mind is on overdrive to think of ways to fuck him off I will add that I never do anything that might anger my friend I think deep down she thinks he's a bellend too So all I do is welcome to my next Petty Polly event. Big love always. Anyway, please call me Mavis and I'm from Wolverhampton.

17:39I was thinking maybe next time he's washing his beloved car, just kind of somehow intercept the hose pipe or block up the water supply. Or march his kids, like get his kids to accidentally stand in dog shit. So they then traipse it all on the drive, the lawn, through the house. Mind you, it'll be the woman that ends up cleaning. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You need something that's going to mildly inconvenience him, not her. Well, keep thinking. In fact, our Facebook group, I'm sure I have some lovely suggestions. Just hop on over to our Facebook group, Everything Luanna Official. Next one, a voice note from Laura.

18:15Morning, girls. So just listening to your podcast on the keepsakes, which I also have the usual selection, but I thought I'd let you know about my sister-in-law on what she's kept of my nephews. So he's only three, hasn't lost any teeth yet, but he obviously has hair. But not only does she keep his hair, but she takes a bucket to the barbers every time he goes and all of the hair that comes off goes into the bucket. Oh, wow. She has his omelial cord, but then she also has a collection of his urine. she has his first poo that he did in his nappy and god knows whatever else so yeah I think that could probably beat most people's in terms of keepsake collections and don't ask me what I think she's going to do with them because I have absolutely no idea.

19:20My name's Laura keep up the good work love you all, bye I'm shocked. Well, it must stink her keepsake box. That's rank. I mean, that definitely tops all of them. That's disgusting. That's, wow. Right, let's move on to Muriel. She says, hey, Luanamo. Please keep me in on and give me your best granny name. Long time listener. This is my first message. We're getting a lot of those recently. Well done, guys. Absolutely love the pod. You guys have kept me sane through some tough days of homesickness after moving to Australia. Following Monday's pod and Louise's rant about keepsake. This really did cut through, actually.

19:55I wanted to let you know about what my mother-in-law has kept all these years. She has kept my fiancé's foreskin and decided to show it to me the first time I met her. Now, that's something I never thought would happen when meeting the in-laws for the first time. But it obviously didn't put me off. And I have to thank her because at least I don't have to deal with stigma. That is true, actually. Every cloud. Right, confession time. I've never told anyone this, but settle in. First up, Lillian. Hi, Louisa and Anna. I'm a new listener from across the pond and I'm loving the pod. Loads of newbies.

20:29Thank you, guys. Welcome along. And of course, our OGs. Please do give me the honour of assigning me a granny name. A few years ago, I was the part of a volunteer organisation and had just taken on a small leadership role. One week, we were meeting at a different community centre than usual. And I'd never been to that location before. The building had multiple conference rooms and events going on. So when I saw that the parking lot was full, I figured something else must have been happening at the same time. As I got out of my car, two women waved me over. I assumed they were part of my group, so I smiled and walked up trying to be friendly and approachable.

21:00They were warm and chatty, and when I mentioned it was my first time at that location, they told me they'd been before and encouraged me to come in with them. They commented that I looked dressed up, which was odd because members of our organisation tend to look polished, but I brushed it off. They led me into a room and pointed to a seat. I was exhausted as I'd just finished my PhD and was running on fumes, so I sat down without thinking much of it. A few seconds passed before I realised I was sitting in a circle and a man had just started giving a very heartfelt testimony. That's when it hit me.

21:32I was in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Now, I have nothing but respect for the organisation. I would just sit there and style it out. I would start contributing. I would have to style it out. Like, hi, my name is Lisa and I've been... Yeah, I have an issue. Yeah. I'm here today. She says, I have nothing but respect for the organisation but it was very much not where I was supposed to be. My volunteer group must have been meeting in a different room. Meanwhile, the women who brought me in were smiling and giving me encouraging thumbs up like I belonged there. So I started to panic. Oh, no, she's going to do it now.

22:04She's going to do it. And then the speaker finished and everyone looked at me. This is what you do. It's like that guy, that African driver, and, you know, he ended up on the BBC News. Just styled it out. In the wrong place, at the wrong time, you just style it out. Apparently, she says, it was my turn. instead of calmly explaining or quietly slipping out i blurted i'm sorry and i just bolted out of the room to make things worse so she didn't do what we do what we do i ran straight into someone i knew from the actual meeting i was supposed to attend i was completely flustered throughout my meeting i mean i just absolutely owned it to make matters worse my volunteer organization's members tend to get no tend you know what's going to happen tend to get together for drinks sometimes and I almost made a joke to the two women about how I hoped there would be wine tonight.

22:50Imagine if I'd actually said to two recovering alcoholics who thought I was in the same boat. To this day, I still think about it and physically cringe. I imagine those poor people hoping I got the support I needed. I didn't. It's a lifetime of secondhand embarrassment and a newfound fear of community centres. Thanks for the laughs and thanks for making me feel a little lighter. Oh, bless you. Looking forward to hearing what granny name you assigned me. Granny from Florida. I mean, this can't... Well, I didn't give you a name. I did. At the top. At the top I had it. What was it? Lillian or something?

23:19Lillian. Lillian, yeah. That's brilliant. I would have just pretended I was an alcoholic. That must have happened to so many people, I'm sure. I'd actually love it if that happened to me. You would just style it out, wouldn't you? My name's... I'd change my name. I think I would probably style it out too. My name's Elena. I think my people-pleasing would get the better of me and I just wouldn't want anyone to feel bad, so I would just style it out quickly. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

23:55You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

24:30Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Way fair, every style, every home Listen, that is it for this week's Luana Totally Extra. We'll be back, of course, with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. And don't forget, you can also watch us now on YouTube. Our episodes drop every Wednesday and every Friday. See you then. And don't forget, though, if you do want to email us in, because this is your episode, we need to know how to do that. It's Luana at everythingluana.com or our WhatsApp number is 07745 266 947.

25:11Do please rate and review. We would really appreciate it. And please give us a follow if you haven't. See you next week.

25:21This is a Global Player original podcast. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house. Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.