TOTALLY EXTRA: Lads Mags, Sexy Teachers & Betraying your Best Man

0:00Anna Williamson:Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah, I was thinking Italian burgers. Oh Game night just got tense two bros on different sides of the fence Burgers or pasta tonight Why can't we have food without the fire? With wonder you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery so no one has to settle use code mealtime for 50 % off your first wonder order terms apply See wonder.com slash new customer This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know you love it. Sorry, Anna's farted and I'm like just eating it.

0:46It's so bad. Fucking disgusting.

0:48Anna Williamson:Welcome to Thursday and Luanna totally extra. How are you bitches? We love you. Happy Crimbo. I mean, I think Christmas feels like it's going on for about eight weeks already. I'm Anna. She's Lou. Imo's here. Bex is in the corner. Let's get smashing into your episode. But before that, very important news. Make sure you're following on your favourite podcast platform right now and you're subscribing on YouTube. Hello to our YouTubers as well. Hello if you're watching on YouTube. Subscribe now. In fact, we're going to give you five seconds. Go. Five, four, three, two, one. Press follow. Thank you.

1:22Anna Williamson:Thank you. Here we go. Right. Wonder... Wonder Riger. Wonder Riger. Brilliant. Imho doesn't look impressed. She didn't think of that. Hilo Anime. Oh, you did? Oh, you're not doing your usual cracking up. We like it. You just didn't laugh at yourself. It's weak, let's be honest. Right, Hilo Anime. I'm going through a really hard time at the moment. I'll punch it. And I've recently discovered your podcast, which has been making me laugh whilst driving. And it's been a real distraction from all the crap that I'm going through. So thank you for that. You just make me laugh so, so much. You're welcome.

1:55Sometimes I laugh out loud and I do get some very strange looks. Welcome to the fold. Exactly, it's what we do guys As a relatively new listener I don't know whether you have ever done a weird things you found when you moved into your house segment I don't think we have I don't think we have

2:08Anna Williamson:but we are here for this But if you have then I think I would win Right Right, we've moved into our new home an older property with lots of plans for a very extensive building, work and renovation Are you sure? And I could teach you about I can give you my whole list We start the work a few months after moving in and as we're ripping out walls and ceilings we discover a relic of the past. Hidden in the loft was hundreds of pages of men's magazines. Men's magazines from what looks to be perhaps the 80s, judging by their hairstyles, and enormous bushy muffs splashed all over the pages. Generally, they're all torn out, the original magazines, as though carefully selected for keeping as part of a collection.

2:48But it gets worse. Not only was there hundreds of pages of porno material, but some of the pages had holes ripped in them. round holes, round holes of the girth of certain appendages. Penis holes. Round holes in the downstairs areas of these ladies. Yes, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Oh, they're like fucking the magazine. Like, literally, like... Paper cutty on the penis. Sure about this. She says... There's no friction. How does that work? So after much... Well, maybe just... You like then hold on to yourself. Hold on to it.

3:25Anna Williamson:I mean, it's very odd with a magazine over your cock. After much amusement and some pranks involving sticking some of the pages to our walls, we disposed of the saucy material. Needless to say, we didn't mention it to our new neighbours. Hope you've enjoyed this story. Keep doing what you do because you're hilarious. Keep me in on and give me one of Imo's highly amusing porn star names. Lots of love. There you go, Imo. I'd love to hear more weird things that people have found. New segment, new feature, weird things you've found when moving into a new house. I haven't found a lot in this house we've got some old relics like pottery and shit Anna didn't you have a doll's house or something?

4:02Anna Williamson:Yes I was just about to say we had stuff in the loft yeah we had a few weird things up there yeah it's all a bit it's all a bit woo well then you know we had then like the that spooky phase of the tellies are going on and the kids toys starting up at 2.30 and then I saged it and it all went the sage lady told me you have to loudly say you are not welcome here Wow And then they went Okay Although Alex and I Shit our pants the other night So the The chapelle The rental Is a converted chapel Right We were upstairs in bed The other night And again at 2.30 On the dot Stop The fucking Alexa Went off downstairs In the kitchen And started playing Golden Depop Depop Cayman Hunters thingy K-pop New Hunters And we were in bed And I suddenly woke up And I was like Huh Like I just hear this We're going up And it's a chapel It's a really open plan so it was just echoing around the chapel did not tell the kids about that they shit themselves and then do you want to make me laugh though?

4:57Anna Williamson:I made Al get out of bed of course I did I was like Al! Al! Alexa's on and he was like you could tell he was like shitting himself I made him go over to the landing where you can kind of like lean over like the mezzanine I could hear him trying to be loud enough to tell him Alexa! Alexa stop! Then did he have to go downstairs? No he managed to do it like shouted at the top of his voice Didn't wake the kids up though Thank God no but yeah I'm wondering if Le Chappelle's got a... If Dead Nana's followed us. Le Chappelle's got a K-pop Demon Hunter fan. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Tammy String next.

5:30Brilliant. Hi, Luanimo. I have a rant for you today. Go on. And I can't stand it anymore.

5:39Anna Williamson:It is the Jet 2 Holiday Adverts. Oh, that's a lot. I know. They're on the TV. They're on the radio. Oh, babe, you have. Even when I'm scrolling because my phone's already picked up that I'm pissed off about it and it's showing me even more. I can't stand the goddamn song anymore. It's not even summer. No one wants to be booking summer holidays. Just give it a rest. I would rather watch Paint Dry than listen to Jet 2 Holidays songs anymore. And the more it comes on, the more it's pissing me off. Sorry, I just had to get that out. Thanks so much, girls. Love you lots. You make me laugh every day.

6:18Anna Williamson:Thank you. I'm with her I can't hear it anymore I don't mind it it's only because it got overused in everybody's reels I can't hear it anymore okay alright we've got a message from Kaz next she says hi Luanamo it's taken me ages to write this because I'm struggling to know how to word it but to start off I want you girls to know there's a little success story but also I need some advice okay back in June someone posted on your lovely Facebook group that is if you're a new listener everything Luana official on Facebook Brooke, go join our community. It's a lovely place. Someone posted about the savage world of dating.

6:54Someone called Rachel commented on it and I replied to her saying, I felt exactly the same. Basically how finding a single guy who can hold his own like so many women these days is quite hard. Anyway, this resulted in a little side chat forming between me and Rachel. We decided to take it off the chat and sit into each other's DMs. Not in that way. We eventually swapped numbers, then voice noted and did videos of where we live and we now speak every day. We rant to each other about our exes, our lives, our jobs and of course we have each other's backs, especially in the dating world. The crazy thing about all this is we've never met.

7:28We live over four hours away from each other. I don't know if I'll ever get to meet her. I'm just going to stop this story here to say what you both should do is go to everythingluanna.com, book a ticket and come and meet at Luanna, the big party, next October. Absolutely. That's exactly how you should meet. Tell me what you should do. She says, we live over four hours away from each other. I don't know if we'll ever get to meet, but one thing I really want to do is help her start to love herself again. She's been through a toxic relationship, come out the other side, and it's smashing, and is smashing life with her son.

8:00But she just can't see how brilliant she is. So Anna and Louisa, how do we get this girl to love herself more so that she does go for the right guy? Thank you again for bringing us together. We'd never be friends if it wasn't for your pod. Oh, yay. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who is everything in a friend I would ever want and I'm hoping vice versa. She doesn't know I've sent this. So Rachel, because I know you're listening. Apologies if you're cringing right now and for having your name on the pod, but I want you to know you're amazing and it's time you saw this for yourself. Girls, it's over to you from a very grateful Kaz from Worthing.

8:33Anna Williamson:How lovely that you've met through us and through our Facebook group. You know what? It's so happy it's a really positive place now. I mean, what I would say, and this probably sounds like I'm being a bit neggy, but you clearly really have bonded, which is amazing. But you also can't make somebody else happy. Like you can't make somebody else see how amazing they are. So I would just say for anybody listening, really, you know, dig down into what you're great at, what you love. It's a bit like Indies hockey, shit hockey, great at singing and dancing. This is it, this is it. Do the things you're good at and do more of them.

9:08And do more of that. And that will boost your confidence. And you bring people. And then you grow.

9:11Anna Williamson:And with that as well, ditching people in your kind of ether that are not serving you well. Like if you've got negative people around, if you're following negative people or negative accounts, or you've got people who are just mood hoovers and draining on you, you know, all the time, you know, and it feels really imbalanced. Don't soak up the negative. I mean, I've even had to cut out some toxic family members, you know, recent times because they were really pulling me down, you know. And that's not done easily. But sometimes you have to think about self-preservation. Well, you do, you do. And I think you have to realise kind of how much you're putting out versus how much you're getting back.

9:46Anna Williamson:And if you are feeling kind of crap because of the environment you're in, we always talk about environment, make it the best you possibly can. You're bossing it, you've got a great friendship, just keep building on that. And also you've done the right thing in like, you know, she has reached out to you and you've now formed this friendship. That is actually one step into progression of doing something for yourself that makes you feel better about yourself. Definitely. Like Anna said, surrounding you with good people and it doesn't happen instantly. But over time, more of that will happen. You will form better relationships with people.

10:17And if they start with friendships, like you guys have formed this friendship, that will spill over eventually into a romantic relationship. But you just can't rush these things. No. And well done, girls. And please, if you haven't got tickets, do come and meet up at Luanna the Big Party. Yeah, we'd love to welcome you to it. Let us know if you'll be there. We will give you your moment on stage. Exactly. Maybe we'll sing them a song. Honestly, we'd love that. We'd sing you the Toy Story Friends one or something.

10:44Anna Williamson:Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah. I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night, just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fact? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it.

11:29So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. More good news. Yeah. Christmas cash car. How much?

11:48Anna Williamson:Woo, woo, woo, woo. £350 ,000. Yes, you could be winning that, my friends. Well, and if you want to win it, you've got to be in it to win it. Now, it's ending soon. It's ending tomorrow. Yes, this is the Christmas cash call. So, Friday the 12th of December, which is tomorrow, A celebrity could be calling you with a present and let me tell you, it's one you will never forget. A huge£350 ,000 straight into your bank account. Credit cha-ching, cha-ching. For your chance to win this massive£350 ,000, text the word Luana to 82200. That's L-U-A-N-N-A to 82200. Text cost 250 plus your standard network rate or you can enter online via Global Player.

12:33Anna Williamson:Lines close at 5pm Friday the 12th of December. Remember, that's when you'll need to be by your phone in case it rings. You've got to be 18 or over. Get the rules online and free entry details for this global network competition at globalplayer.com slash win. Win. Right, voice note, shit gift. Brilliant from Anonymous. So Jenny Taylor. That's a good one. That's a good one. Hi, Luana. Love the pod. Really brightens up my drive to work. And I'm currently listening to the backlog because I'm late to the party as per usual. I really wanted to share with you a shit Christmas present story. I really hope this makes the pod.

13:12I'd be really interested to see if there's any other stories of people getting a similar gift. So I had a couple of years ago, I'd been with my partner a couple of months. And before that, I'd been single for 12 long years. So for me, Christmas was very much about the kids. And the only gifts I got were from my parents and my family. So to have a boyfriend finally was so excited, so exciting. And I was really hoping for anything girly, you know, perfume, makeup, jewellery, anything like that. Really excited. So Christmas Day morning, could not wait to open the gift. My boyfriend had really bigged up how much effort he'd gone to.

13:56And when I opened up one of the gifts, it was a head. torch. Oh, a head torch. That's quite a hand to give. I've got a really good head torch. I use it a lot.

14:10Anna Williamson:I managed to pull off the best poker face I could muster, but oh my fucking God, I was like, what? Yeah, a head torch. You know the ones walking the dog. So, yeah, and the other gifts were very practical. I had bath towels, which I didn't need. A shower, a shelf for the shower. amongst other things, but bless him. He really did try. He went for the practical approach. We're still together. I love him to be. But as you can imagine, when I went back to work in the new year and everybody was equally excited to hear what I'd got and I had to drop the story in that, yeah, I'd got a head torch for Christmas.

14:53But anyhow, the thought was there. But anyway, fucking head torch. Love you girls. Have a great Christmas. And yeah, I hope you find this amusing because I do actually laugh about it now, even at the time I was almost like, what the fuck? But anyway, later. Bye.

15:12Anna Williamson:Great shit gift. It's a house present, that. That's not a personal gift. I use my head torch a lot. To be fair, I love the head torch. It's really handy, especially when I'm doing the horses. Now the knights are drawing in. Well, and because I live in the middle of nowhere as well, I needed head torch from going out to do my bins. Exactly. The 84 bins. But for your first Christmas with your partner, That's more like seven years down the line. But I'm just saying he's just setting the president right, isn't he? He's just like, it's the only way up. But I'll be honest, if Alex ever bought me a head torch, even now, 10, 11 years in, I'd be fuming.

15:43Anna Williamson:I'd be like, that's a house gift. I'm grateful for the practical gifts. No, not me. I'm just a mercenary bastard. Right. Message from an honour of us, so Misty Hill. Misty Hill. I don't get it. Right, go on. Okay. Hi, ladies. I'm a fairly new listener to the pod and currently working my way through all the old eps. Call me anonymous. Call me by my first pet slash mother's maiden name. Porn star name Misty Hill. It's a good porn name. My daughter has grown up now and is in her mid-twenties, but there's something that's happened when she was at primary school, which I've never been allowed to live down by my school mum friends.

16:14Anna Williamson:A new deputy head joined the school, and word soon got around that he was a bit of a hottie. Good looking man, smooth sounding voice, very friendly, and all the kids loved him. The mums loved him more. In fact, we rusted after him. One Friday, it happened to be my daughter's assembly, so all the mums and dads were invited in to watch the performance. You know the drill, we all do it out of love for our kids, but sit there bored out of our minds for an hour, swearing never to have any more children. Anyway, at the end of the performance, all of the other kids' classes were sent back to their classrooms, leaving my daughter's class in the hall to go straight home with their parents.

16:48Anna Williamson:The new deputy head started circling the room, introducing himself to everybody, and you could literally smell the oestrogen as mums queued up to get a chance to talk to him. Can I just say anyone that is a school mum at my school knows if you know, you know. Okay. Have you got a hot teacher? Well, we did, but they're not there anymore. But it's hilarious how like anyone that is semi-hot, I mean, semi-hot, we're like flies around the honeypot, honestly. I had a bad cold at the time. So I'd been sitting towards the back of the hall, trying not to cough or let my constant nose blowing interrupt the performance.

17:23Anna Williamson:My daughter was always a bit of a performer and would often be called on to take the lead to do the narration. Proud mum. There she is. As I stood praising her for another great performance, up walks the new deputy head with his hand stretched out for a handshake. You must be this little star's mum, he said, giving me one of his beautiful smiles. And then it happened. Seriously, the most embarrassing thing that I've ever had happened to me. I took his hand to shake it and said, it's lovely to meet you. Yes, I'm her mum. As I finished the sentence, I blew the biggest snot bubble out of my right nostril.

18:02Anna Williamson:I saw his eyes widen as he continued to grip my hand. All I could do was panic as this bloody golf ball-sized snot bubble remained there, refusing to pop. My daughter yelled, Fucking kids. Mummy, that's disgusting. As I grappled in my pockets for a tissue. At least the poor man had the grace of standing, continued to chat with me. But I just couldn't make eye contact with him again and that continued for the whole two years. My daughter remained at the school. Thanks for keeping me entertained on my commute. Love you. That's so good. Absolute classic. We've got a voice note next from Donna. Hi, girls.

18:39I have a funny story to tell you.

18:42Anna Williamson:Go on. Beautiful quality. Lovely quality. I'm a fairly new listener. I love the pod. Obviously, I've gone back to the start. So I am, I think, in 2022. So maybe if this ever gets read out, I will probably not hear it for another year or so. But anyway, no need to keep me anonymous. My name is Donna. So this happened years and years and years ago. I once worked in telesales and I had to cold call people for a software and a facial company. And one day, you know what it's like for telesales. you don't want to receive the calls, but nor do you want to make them. But it was a job and I needed some money.

19:26So I was making calls down and out. And I remember speaking to one person and he was being quite old and grumpy and rather rude on the phone. Anyway, I thought we'd hung up. Clearly not. And I just said something like, what a grumpy old git or something along those lines. Like I said, this is years and years and years ago. Put the phone down. And then two seconds later, it rang. We didn't really get that many inkling calls because obviously we did the outgoing calls. Anyway, so he called back and he was like, I've just spoken to you and I was still on the line. And you said that I was a grumpy old git.

20:07I want to speak to your line manager. Anyway, so I was like horrified by thinking, do you know what? I can rectify this. I said certainly sir put him on hold whispered to my colleague who was in the office listening to the entire thing explained obviously that they'd heard me so my colleague came on and and there was like oh sir I'm really sorry I shall make sure that she doesn't do this again that was that was very unprofessional blah blah blah blah put the phone down with both bursting giggles he went away feeling really happy thinking it got me in trouble my work colleague was actually my mom so we both had a good laugh but after that I was a bit more cautious and I've always made sure that if someone was grumpy on the other end of the phone I made sure that they was actually cut the call was cut so they wasn't listening on the other end of the phone it made me laugh at the time and I really hope it makes you laugh too very good I'm loving the pod so I am listening in every single spare minute that I get.

21:11So that I can obviously catch up to the present date. And maybe if this is read out, I shall hear it. So, love you guys. Bye. Thank you, lovely. You're going to hear it whenever you catch up, babes. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply.