TOTALLY EXTRA: Lizard Smuggling, Sausage Rolls & Using Loo Paper Twice

0:00Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home.

0:36From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Way fair, every style, every home. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you are here. It is a Thursday, which means this is Luanna.

1:17Totally extra. Good morning, you little beauties. We love you. Hope you are well. I love it. She's Lou, I'm Anna. We've got Imo. How are you? What? Who are you? How are you? We're going to cut the guff because this is your episode. It is Thursday. Extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions. Let's get cracking with a message from Rosie. Hi girls, love the pod. Obvs, always looking forward to listening to you guys. It's my escape from my four kids when I'm cleaning the house. That's a lot of children. I always think when people have four kids, I think, oh, that's a lot. I know that I've got three, but just that one more.

1:52Four does seem a lot, doesn't it? It seems a lot, doesn't it? I had to look after my mate Dan's kids, Danny's kids, just for literally five minutes, two kids. So I had four children. It was a lot. I felt the responsibility. I was like, this is what it would be like to have four children. It's a lot. And I've got my mate Lucy here for summer because she lives in Dubai. She's got two. I don't always really count Dixie because she's like older. But yeah, last night I've got her two, my, she's obviously here as well, but her two, my two. They are actually quite easy, to be fair. It's just a lot, though.

2:26I quite like co-parenting with Lucy. Yeah, you do well co-parenting. You know, like, cook dinner, then chuck them outside, clean up. It's nice. Dixie was here, she had her, mate. Actually, I always have a lot of kids here. I don't know what I'm talking about. That's where the old mum-yoon comes back in, doesn't it? The mum-yoon. Another mum-yoon. Anyway, she says, my escape from four kids. Excellent. Well, we are delighted you come to us. I'm not sure the weather, and I'm not sure whether this will make it on, but I've just listened to the episode where there was some fake news. Oh, yes, this is the fake news I spread.

2:54Fake news about the boys smuggling a penguin home from a zoo. This was fake news that went viral ages ago, by the way. And it didn't happen. I have a story about my animal smuggling sister. Well, here we go. It sparked something in someone. We lived in Spain for a year when I was 11, 12. And my sister is three years younger than me, so makes her around eight. She was always animal obsessed and still is. She's a dog trainer. Oh, see, she followed that through. Good, good job. Anyway, we used to fly back to England once a month to visit our dad and the rest of the family as my mum and dad were divorced.

3:27And one time, my mum was coming to tuck us into bed and next to my sister, laying on her pillow, was a dead, dried up lizard. My mum was obviously a bit confused and shocked and asked her where she got the lizard from, to which my sister said, our house in Spain. My sister then told my mum how she had found this dead lizard in the garden and didn't want to leave it there. So she put the lizard in an empty packet of my mum's Marlborough Cigley. popped it into her pocket and travelled from Spain to England. Travelled in a pack of fags in her pocket as well. She's eight. They go, she's British. Gone all through security and customs with nothing to declare with this dead lizard in an empty fag packet.

4:09Still makes us laugh to this day. I'm Rosie from Hertfordshire and my lizard smuggling sister is Alice. Love you all. That's funny. I love that. I love that. Bless little Alice. Right, we've got a shit gift now from a nonce. We've called you Dina. Hey, lovely ladies, love the pod always, and just keep being you, I have a shit gift for you. Fresh birthday.

4:38So, my partner, boyfriend, he's just had his 30th birthday on Saturday, and he's really good for getting gifts for his family. like he spends a lot of money and they just send a link to what they want and he buys it but he's never good at thinking of anything that he wants for himself um so this year even though it was 30th um his sister bought him a sausage roll and she wrapped it all nice but it was still a sausage roll sausage roll for 30 I have no words literally no words stop you might be really into sausage rolls I know birthdays aren't all about presents but they kind of are a sausage fucking roll I mean really anyways love you yeah it's a lot of questions there like how long was it wrapped up for but is there a back story that we don't know about exactly is there like a joke pranky gimmick around the sausage roll like my brothers and I as a joke wrap each other up a remote control it's just a joke for being kids just something we used to watch when we were kids and someone once wrapped up anyway it's just a stupid dick joke it's just a thing we wrap up a remote control yeah and yeah brilliant and it's just a thing anyway well great shit gift who says Halloween only lasts one day With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home.

6:15From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hamster trauma story. I always say everyone's got one. This is from Sylvia. Sylvia says, when I was a kid, there was one thing I wanted more than anything in the world. A hamster. Every kid wants a hamster. Every kid at some point.

6:54Don't you have a hamster? No. No, I keep saying no to the kids. It's good. I keep kicking the can. Women are rental kids, not allowed. Mine want another dog. I want a Pomeranian. I would quite like one. You know the dog key? The dog key passed away. Oh. I know. And now Enzo really wants a dog. And I think I might have promised him a dog to get him over the grief of losing the dog. You shouldn't do that, you know. That's not a good way of getting over grief. Well, he's not getting one. But it's fine, though. Forgotten it. Yeah, it's fine. Anyway, carry on. Oh, the dog key died. The dog key died.

7:26The dog key, if you didn't listen, is when Christmas, Anna dressed the dog, her mother-in-law's dog up as a donkey at the nativity. Which I executive produced and directed. Okay, right. A bit of a conversation there. Right, anyway, so the lady Sylvia, she wants a hamster. She doesn't want a bike, she doesn't want a gaming console, just a tiny furry friend to call my own. I begged my mum for years, and after what must have felt like a lifetime of pleading, she finally gave in. She always do. My beautiful snowy white hamster became my pride and joy. A few months later, my primary school announced a special event, Bring Your Pet to Church Day.

8:05Love this. where pets could be blessed. We do this at our church, at the village church. That's so cute. Yeah, we do this. Do you know, they do this in Spain, in Javier, actually, near where my friend lives, and people take their horses and they bless them at the church. In the village. I thought that's really cool. We do this in the village. Everyone brings the animals, yeah. To most kids, it was just a sweet idea. To me, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I begged my mum for weeks. She gently warned me that hamsters are a bit temperamental, but my eight-year-old brain couldn't care less.

8:36my hamster was going to meet God. The big day arrived and I carried her into church in a little travel case, beaming with pride, showing her off to anyone who would look. She was calm, lovely and slightly confused, but she was ready to be blessed. As we reached the front of the aisle, the priest smiled and kindly dipped his fingers into the holy water and flicked what felt like the biggest wave of water directly onto my poor hamster. She froze, trembled. Suddenly she was soaking wet and clearly distressed. My mum and I made a quick exit, wrapping her up gently and rushing home to try her off and keep her warm.

9:16I could have got Boris blessed. Oh, no. Boris hadn't have died. No, no, no. But he might not be dead. He might not be dead. If he had been blessed, he wouldn't be dead. But sadly the blessing proved too much. Oh, no! Stop it! Somewhere between the church steps and our front door, my beloved hamster quietly passed away. Oh no. I sat on the sofa, cradling her tiny body, tears running down my cheeks. And that's when my sister, in the most matter of fact voice imaginable, leaned over and said, don't worry, we'll buy you a new one tomorrow. We didn't. We never got another hamster again. Oh, well that was it.

9:59That's it. That was the life of the hamster. Can we just say, do you remember back to why the hamster stories came about on this podcast? Yes, because you roller skated over a hamster. Yeah, accidentally my hamster had babies and I was so selfish. I wanted to hold all nine and I didn't let my friend Roxanne hold them. And I dropped one and roller skated over it. Yeah, that's where the hamster stories came from. It's not funny, am I? that was a lesson early in life not to be selfish you learnt that lesson the hard way though you killed a hamster I remember exactly where I was when you first told that story for the first time we were in your cinema room we were so do I I've got a literal memory of the old house and I remember counting and there was only eight and I thought fuck and we roller skated back squished like a little prune voice note rant from anonymous so Kathleen alright here we go I'm fucking raging somebody put on your Facebook group the other day oh listen back at the pod that shall not be named Anna was in a girl band blah blah blah but anyway I've gone back I thought I'll pick an extra episode let's have a wee punt get some funny stories 30 seconds in I'm absolutely fuming it's National Toast Day great Oh, oh, it's so wonderful The toast that you get after you give birth So here I am In the midst of COVID 2020, giving birth The really shit labour That ended in two rounds of forceps An emergency C-section I'm stuck in for days My husband's at home, starting a paternity leave Isn't allowed back to visit because of the restrictions Anyway Lovely midwife comes in Oh, are you hungry?

11:54yes I am actually quite hungry thank you I'm going to get this tea and toast that everybody talks about best thing you've ever tasted lovely lovely in she comes what do I get? a fucking salad not even a nice salad no peppers, no onions just some leaves tomato, a bit of boiled ham three days I'm in there what's breakfast? soggy cornflakes Where the fuck is this toast that everybody's talking about? I never got it. Is it just me? They don't do it now. Did anyone else not get toast after they gave birth? Oh, baby. Anyway, my child's nearly five, so clearly not over it. Bye. Yeah. Do you know, when Clemmie went in, she broke her arm, and we were on the ward, they said that they don't have the toast anymore.

12:44Why? Obviously, it wasn't a maternity ward. It was a kid's ward. And they were like, we really miss it, and we don't have real butter. and I went to M &S and I bought them some white bread, nice thick white bread and real butter. Oh, see, that's what we should all be buying them now. Budget cuts. Yeah, but we should just all now buy white bread and butter. So bad though. Yeah. Can't even afford a bit of butter in the NHS. There you go. Too much, too many people, let me tell you. There we are, there we are. Right, we've got a message from Heidi. She says, hey, Luanimo, love, love, love your podcast.

13:16My utter wind down time and laugh out loud moments shared. your keepsake and placenta convo recently had me howling everyone loved this yes I keep teeth, umbilical cord and clamp locks of hair etc however my short story is that of post my second darling baby arrival darling baby's arrival I suffered first time round with postnatal so I was desperate not to head in that dark dark place again I searched up placental vitamins I sourced a company whom collected my placenta post delivery in a call bag three days later I received my package I opted for the stemmed method my placenta for my pills meant to be great for calming I opened the box to find I'd been upgraded oh moisturiser balm nice and an odd looking ropey crusty thing which must have fallen in by accident until I picked it up and to my horror which was my darling daughter's full umbilical cord dried out and shaped to spell love yeah I got this what the actual fact horrified I shoved it back in the box and there it stay I will include pictures P.S.

14:24pills didn't affle it's a storm you just got a ride so this was an expensive 450 quid mistake P.P.S. people make jewellery out of ground down kids teeth and resin these days too love always you're utterly fantastic Heidi from Liversedge Liversedge Placenta Plus who is the company that we used because they did it for me but I didn't take them And I think I used them too. Okay, so there is an umbilical cord in the shape. Lou has had to scroll past it. Can I have a look at that, Lou? That's it. Keep going. I don't find that weird. It looks like a sort of dehydrated condom. I got my umbilical cord in the shape of a heart.

15:04What are you meant to do? Frame it? Probably. It just doesn't look good on the wall. I mean, I haven't done that. It's in the keepsake box with the baby teeth and Teddy's cat teeth. You haven't got telly's catches yet. Right, we've got a voice note from Madison next. Hello, ladies. Hello, love. I am an avid listener in the United States, so I was born in Canada, so don't judge me too harshly. Thank you. Okay. Just listening to your recent episode and talking about the placenta pills. Oh, good, still going. Maybe this makes me weirdo, But I ate my placenta raw in a smoothie with a bunch of berries and some coconut water and protein powder.

15:53And I went from three days postpartum, lots of pads, all the horrificness, to the next morning waking up and having almost no need for pads. Wow. So I do think there is some validity in eating your placenta. and if you can stomach it, do it raw. She blended it. Maybe that makes me weird. No need to make me anonymous. My name is Madison. I live in California, United States. Of course she does. Oh, but I'm so here. Of course she's an American called Madison that lives in California that blended her placenta. Madison, I'm open to it, mate. I am open to it. But obviously it worked for you, Madison, Congratulations.

16:41I like the flip side to this story. We've got one for, one against. Is that classed as cannibalism? I don't know. Because it is human flesh. Is it flesh? It is flesh. Well, yeah, it's an organ, isn't it? Is it an organ? It is an organ. I'm not for this. Let's just move on. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night.

17:16They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Right, we're gagging for it from Horny Helen. Here we go. Go on, Horny Hells. Basically, she says, how are we surprising our fellas with a blowie? This is hot off the back of our... We're not. Yeah, yeah. Basically, we're not, Helen. I've been with my... Sorry, the point. Also, yesterday, can I just say, I bought Alex a Magnum on the way home from school yesterday, a Magnum ice cream. Did you get a blowy? No, no, blowy. He didn't actually want it. It's in the freezer.

17:55He was like, I don't want it just yet, babes, thanks. But I did think of him. I bought my Cherry Magnum. Anyway, I've been with my... That's why I didn't want it. Cherry Magnum. Oh, my God. The kids love them. The old Cherry Magnums. I don't like Magnums. Well, I do love a Magnum. She will like it if they sponsor us, guys. No, I do like a Magnum, just not a cherry one. The kids like the cherry ones. Oh, I don't like the dark chocolate ones. I like the almond caramel ones. Oh, no. No, it's always the dark chocolate ones. In fact, the freezer at the pool house, which, by the way, how good's the weather up?

18:28We've been by the pool all the time. It's stocked full of ice lollies and Magnums. I might go take a Magnum home for Alligan. You don't need to. You've got it in the freezer. Exactly. Anyway, she says, I've been with my husband 13 years, two kids in, and I can confess our sex life is so few and far between. We both struggle to initiate sex. I've got a high sex drive and I want it way more than I get it. But I have such a fear of rejection, which is crazy, I know, because this man has never rejected me. But it is what it is. She says, I saw a post on the Facebook group a while back and someone commented and said, just shove his cock in your mouth.

19:01Brilliant. How romantic. This I'll happily do, but are we just grabbing a flaccid knob and sucking it? Isn't that really awkward? What if it didn't grow and you're just sucking on a flump? It is a bit like that, isn't it? So, yeah, she says, semi-joking question, but I actually want to know what people do to initiate sex with their long-term partners. I would ask in the Facebook group, but I take the, we have sex five times a week and been together 20 years to half. I don't believe that, by the way, when people say that shit. Who knows? Some people do. I don't think so. And find it does, I mean, it does to some people.

19:38My stasis is burning away here. I'm desperate for a piss. Lou's like no. And find it does the opposite of help when it makes me pick my relationship apart when in actual fact, is it in my opinion? It is in my opinion perfect. The frequency of our sex could definitely be improved. But aside from that, I wouldn't change a thing. I love you girls and all that shit. Please help a horny wife and call me Helen with the horn. Well, I think you're happy. I also think this is really normal. I don't really like initiating sex because I always think, well, I'm the woman and the man should chase me. I do think that.

20:10I'm happy to initiate, but it's a bit of both in my marriage. I don't really like initiating. But we're going to throw this out to the Lufanians. I like to feel wanted and desired. Lufanians, we would like some honest, because according to research, apparently most couples have sex once a week. I don't really believe that, if I'm honest with you. I think once a week is quite a lot. Yeah, and a lot of people would agree with that. But I will go for like two weeks without seeing my husband just because of circumstances of work and living and countries. Yeah, but then maybe on average that is then how it breaks down.

20:42But then we see each other and we're like, ask it like, no, we're not. Well, I mean, you will not. But listen, we're going to throw this over to you, Lufanians, because there is nothing more fantastic than actually creating our own data. Yes, let's do Luana data research. Luana data research. how often are you having sex with your partners what do you do to initiate sex we're going to put it out on our Instagram so it will be anonymous because we won't reveal you so who initiates sex what do you do to initiate sex and how often are you having sex with your partner we would love to know that we'll pop a poll out thank you social media manager Bex and we will get the actual results in but what I would say to Helen with the horn babes it sounds like you're doing great in your marriage I would suck that flump it'll soon grow I mean it yeah it will it will it will and actually not from a or you could just give it a little tickle first like just like like i like you know like a little ball squeeze i was and then it'll grow and then when it starts to get semi on get down there yeah get down get bobbin i would also say try some different tactics when it comes to getting the horn i think tapping into a different way you know like sending sexy texts to each other have a bit of kind of like you know when you get home later on i want to do xyz to you create some anticipation um and also statistically you have better sex um it's not actually about physical sex it's the emotional connection you have so if you've got an emotional connection you are going to have better sex so i have cry sex what no but as in just cry sex no but as in tap into each other emotionally like what do you want you know sex up a little bit verbally you know just don't go for the obvious you know let's just you know have a share because that's just boring.

22:22No one wants scheduled sex. Create the anticipation and the sex will come, my friend. Good luck, Horny Helen. Yes, Ran from Anonymous. I've lost my way with the mouse. Hi, Luanamo, incoming ran. Excuse the voice, I'm very hungover. Oh, nice. Right, this really pisses me off. I'm somebody who has to drive quite a lot for work, which means I have to use like service station facilities, whatever you want to call it toilets and shit um why is it on the way in to the toilets like the main door into the toilets is always a push and on the way out it's a pull so like my hands aren't freshly washed on the way in so i don't mind touching a door handle to open it on the way out of the toilet my hands not everyone's are freshly washed so i don't want to touch the door handle because not everybody does wash their hands when they go to the toilet exactly and then i have to touch that disgusting door handle and then you have to look at it and go oh what's the people are less likely to touch so you go for right that's what i do pinky finger might use a t-shirt like put your hand in it, you shouldn't use that.

23:40But I shouldn't have to. I don't understand why the door can't just be the other way around. It really pisses me off. And now I've mentioned it to people, everybody else has started noticing it and being like, oh my god, you're right, it is literally everywhere. Is there a reason that it's like that? Or would everyone just mind changing the doors the other way around? Let me know your thoughts. Love the part of all that shit. Bye, bye, bye. There might be a health and safety reason for that. Well, I'm now thinking to, because I'm often just having to stop at a petrol station to go for a wee with all my travelling around.

24:12And you're right, you always push the door open and then pull it as you're coming out. Yeah, does anyone know? Does anyone work in petrol station box? Is anyone health and safety? Is there a reason why the push-pull situation is the way it is? Because you say for hygiene reasons, I don't want knobby handles. I imagine it's something to do with, like, space. Fire safety. Yeah, you're right, because if you pull out... Because if there's loads of doors flapping out into one... Yes. Area. Corridor. Yeah, it's going to cause havoc. You're right, because unless it's self-closing, which most doors aren't, are they?

24:46No, it makes sense. I do that. I try and look at what bit of the door handle will people least likely have touched, and then I just will go, like, the most awkward bit and try and do it with my pinky finger. Now, interestingly, am I right in thinking that I've got a feeling that disabled loos do open out? Don't you think? A disabled door opens outwards. maybe for that reason to come out they just have to then push it if they're perhaps in a wheelchair or something. Anyway, fascinated by that. Fascinated actually. We will find out please if you're a health and safety officer. Let us know. Bog doors.

25:18Why? If you're woke brigade let us know. Right, I've never told, you know like health and safety in nature. Oh, I see what you mean. I hate all that shit. Do you? I wouldn't want a job in that. No. You'd not be very good in nature. You're just adding to the world's problems of people. You'd be like, next! The thing is all that HR bollocks just adds to people's moans and groans about life just fucking get on with it that's the way it is there it is shut the fuck up she's spoken I've never done I've never told anyone this but could morrow Luanna and Imo love love love the pod and all that jazz I've only been listening since May and I've caught up I mean you're an absolute demon oh my gosh yes only two months from the birth of Eleonora oh my gosh through Covid yes oh yeah Yeah, because we started this pod two months.

26:07Well, we started Luanne, the podcast, only two months postpartum for you. Three months. Yeah, beginning of March. She was born on the 21st of December. Oh, my little Elsie. And you got back to work quite quickly. No maternity leave around here, bitch. No, that's it. Yes, only two months on from the birth of little Elle. Through COVID, the purchase of Chumneys 2, all the Renault talk, scabies. The Renault talk only just started it. Endergo's dental visit, the Palladium, the Sicilian wedding, and Lou's back injury. She says, I've listened to the whole lot. We've done a lot, guys. We've done a lot.

26:43We've done a lot. You've all been there through a lot with us as well. We've done life, guys. She says, I've sent in this story before, but when I sent it, I wasn't up to date on the podcast. So I sent it to your old email address. So it either didn't make the cut or it got lost. Well, it's here now. I've got a poo story. Great. I'll admit it's not quite as good as the lady who pooed on the church carpet, but I thought it was worth writing in anyway. Now, when I say I've never told anyone this, I really mean it. Not my husband, not my bestie, not a fucking soul. The shame. I can't wait for this.

27:15About 25 years ago, I landed a living job in a very posh part of central London. So far, so classy, right? I was living it up in Mary Poppins' world. I used to occasionally go to a not very classy nightclub near Selfridges. And there was a guy who was also a regular who was constantly checking me out. I thought he was a bit creepy. After several months of ignoring his advances, one night I must have just had too much to drink. And I found myself having a little wee snog with him. The next thing, I was in a taxi back to his place. It wasn't too far, but certainly not walking distance in the middle of the night.

27:50By the time I got there, I must have come to my senses. I only stayed five minutes before making my excuses and heading off into the night. By now, it was extremely late getting close to dawn. I couldn't find a taxi or even a dodgy minicab, so I had to start walking. After about half an hour of strolling, or more like staggering, my bows decided that they needed to evacuate. All that booze and a nice walk got the poo ready to move out. I held it in, kept on going. I knew the area well and was aware that while London is known for its lovely parks and gardens, there wasn't a single unlocked one between my location and my house.

28:28Not a tree or a bush in sight. And even at this hour, there's enough people around that I can't just drop my pants. This is W1, the concrete jungle, and the sun is coming up. There's even a few early morning joggers starting to set out. I tried to find a spot, at least set back from the street. I was sweating now, totally sobered up due to the stress. huffing and puffing and clenching, looking about frantically for a spot. I couldn't just poo my pants. What if my employer was already up and about when I got home? I needed to deposit my load before reaching the house. Eventually, I found a semi-secluded spot.