TOTALLY EXTRA: Luanna on the Building Site, Fat Bags & Related to the Queen?

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bans and general explicit content. But you know you love it. I thought you really milked that. I did, yeah. To be fair, Lu, it was about time. It's been 854 times of us doing it. It's time, Lu, Imo did a bit of the graph. Do you not put the episode number anymore? No, I don't. Because you've lost track. Have you lost track? I lost track and then it got too much. It's just a lot now. It's just a lot. Anyway, welcome. It's Thursday. This is Luanna Totally Extra. Why are you looking at me like that?

0:44I don't know. She's looking at me funny. You know what? I was actually looking at your boobs. Your boobs, yeah.

0:50Anna Williamson:I was just thinking how massive they're looking. I need your help. What for? Because I can't get my necklace off after this. Well, I got the battery out of the GoPro camera. It's got all tangled and this little round bit's stuck in the clasp and it's really bothering me. Just call me Ninja Anna. Because I like playing with it and I can't play with it. Anyway, were you looking at my titties? They look massive. I know, it's because I put on my... It goes straight to my tits. Does it? Yeah, but they're fake. But they've still got fat around them. They look good. They're great. What do you think, Ami?

1:19They look big. They look big, don't they? They do look big. They look big. They're a resident lesbian.

1:25Anna Williamson:Oh, no. Right, okay. this is your episode guys it's just all of your guff it's the world of life outside Luanna let's do it there is no life outside Luanna Kelly she says hi ladies I hope this email finds you well I thought you might appreciate hearing this short story love it I absolutely love your pod and tune in every single day on my way home from work listening through Spotify and on my husband's on mine and my husband's shared account thank you now here is where it gets interesting My husband's a scaffolder and he uses our Spotify account to play music while he's on the job. This means all his colleagues get to join in on the tunes as well.

2:05Between the hours of three and four, it's my time to listen to whatever I fancy on Spotify, which of course includes your fantastic pod. Thank you. The funny part is my husband can't turn off his Bluetooth speaker during these times, so he's found himself inadvertently listening to your podcast along with a bunch of his scaffolding mates and everyone else at the building site. Yay! At first, he was really embarrassed, especially when you just discussed topics like smelly fannies and buttholes. Normal guys. The usual quirky stuff we all love about your show. However, there's been a silver lining.

2:38It seems like we have been spreading the gospel. He has developed a newfound understanding of women and so has his colleagues. Okay, this is good, guys. This is legacy shit. This is legacy shit.

2:51Anna Williamson:We're saving marriages. Ah, I feel like Nelson Mandela. Ah!

3:03Right, so a big shout out to all the scaffolders at Devonport Dockyard who are listening to your pod today. All right, lads. All right, boys. All right, boys. If we were there, we'd want a wolf whistle, you dirty bastards. Emo's quit again. Emo doesn't. Thank you for the wonderful content and keep up the great work. Kelly from Plymouth. Well, I'm thrilled to hear that.

3:25Anna Williamson:You see, but that was when I went to the Wear Recycling Centre and all the lads there listening as well, you see. Thanks, lads. We appreciate it. We appreciate it. Right, Kids Say the Funniest Things from Emily. Hi, Luanna. Emily here from Devon, long-time OG listener. Hey, hi. Just a quick one for Kids Say the Funniest Things. My husband always takes my girls to the swimming pool and gets them changed afterwards. And this week they were in the shower, and my youngest, Mabel, who's five, pointed she was kind of at the perfect height for where they were washing completely naked and she looked at my husband and she said, ooh, Daddy, what's that?

4:00What are those fat bags behind your willy?

4:03Anna Williamson:Fat bags! To which he said, well, that's where you came from, darling. Fats! Love the pardon, all that shit. Bye! Fat bags! That's so good! Fat bags! My kids have a habit at the moment of, like, screaming out in the middle of Costa Coffee or something about Alex going, Daddy, your willy's massive! He's like secretly quite pleased. But obviously in a kid's brain, like seeing a grown up Willie's big, you know. You're like, oh, it's not that big. Enzo's just comparing it to his own. I did actually say to him the day, I was like, calm down, love. Calm down. Calm down. You're doing all right. You're doing all right, but calm down.

4:40Anna Williamson:Right. We're gagging for it from anonymous. So Francine. Hi, Luanna. I'd love to make a suggestion for the gagging for it questions of the week, please. Yes, please, Francine. the silliest things that you have dumped someone for or never went on the other date because, this is a good one my friend, I keep thinking you farting that's the chair, the chair's so freaky my friend's was a corker, so here we go she'd been on three dates with a guy and felt a real connection forming but when he met her for the fourth date she cut it short and dumped him because when she met him that evening he had a heavy jacket on and his jacket had a hood on it she said she couldn't have a boyfriend that put a hood up in the rain.

5:21Anna Williamson:We live in Glasgow and it was October. The poor guy, she dumped it because he had a hood on his coat. So mean he just didn't want to get wet. Do you know what? I can sort of see that. It's a bit icky. He's got like a nanorak with a hood. I think you're mean. That is mean because I'm just thinking actually my own husband, who I find very attractive does wear like a cagoule with a hood obviously if we go walking cagoule I haven't heard that word since I was at school a cagoule a cagoule it's like part of the peak a cagoule we used to have a blue cagoule oh I love it that is so funny poor guy this is this week's gagging for it we're gagging for it what is the one thing that's happened to make you dump them or not go on the next date.

6:17Anna Williamson:We'd love to know. Jump on Instagram. Poor people. And let us know. Oh, right. Adriana, what are you ranting about? Sorry, I just have to send this rant in as it happened. What is it with people on fucking bicycles not being in a bicycle lane? Absolutely melts my head. I have just driven down a road with a newly fucking waste of space bicycle lane with some eejit on the road. use the fucking bicycle lane. Why are they there? We've spent millions on them and nobody uses them. She sounds like Joanne at Nally. Oh, it's so frustrating. So frustrating. Anyway, I love the show. There's my rant. I'm so annoyed.

7:00Anna Williamson:My name's Adrienne. I'm from Dublin. Adrienne, I'll be honest. I was too busy getting lost in your beautiful accent to actually listening to your rant. The old Dublin accent. Oh, it's beautiful. Right, we've got a message from Alex. Do you want me to take this one? Go on. All right, ladies. I recently discovered your podcast and I'm devouring the back catalogue. As we speak, loving your work, ladies. You can, of course, listen back to all the previous episodes. Off you top. Thank you, peeps. My story is a short one, but I died today when my friend reminded me of this. For context, she's Irish and from a Catholic family living in a rural area.

7:35Anna Williamson:Oh, no telly. We can identify. Ten kids and no telly. That's it. She says she used to get teased at school because she had less of an accent than everyone else. Her parents, for some unknown reason, decided that helping the situation was telling her that she was in fact a distant relationship of the Queen of England and that they had been excommunicated from the family because they were Catholics. They were watching the Tudors or something. The wild thing about this for me is she continued to believe she was an actual part of the royal family until she was 16 years old. Turns out she said it out loud one day to a friend and realised how bloody stupid she'd been.

8:16Anna Williamson:Her parents have apparently no memory of telling her this. So my question for you is, what is the wildest thing that you've let your child believe that one day they will say to her friend and embarrass themselves? Oh, it's a good one. They need to keep me anonymous. My beautiful friend is Edith and I'm Alex, currently in the south of France. Oh, I told the kids this morning, I had some new ducklings and they wanted to go and see them, that they couldn't see the ducklings until they brushed their teeth. and I said because if you kiss the duckling without brushing your teeth the bacteria will kill it that was just one I used this morning it's quite good I'll be honest with you anything that gets the kids to brush their teeth they just believe everything I tell mine all sorts of stories because I think it's funny it's really good actually having kids because I obviously have this crazy imagination and I say all sorts of things but they can end up having a conversation with someone and they'll be like why are you doing that because you've gone and kissed the duck and you're going to kill it and you've not brushed your teeth and they'll be like well then they'll learn it's not true i think the word this is a slight deviation from what she's asking but for us at the moment it's the kids ear wigging in conversations that alex and i have obviously being like if we're a bit niggly with our siblings or family or something and then the kids with their no filter going straight to said family member and parroting exactly what we just said which sometimes isn't very favourable and you know you're like like so and say daddy your mummy said you were really annoying or like oh you or you don't stop waffling or like and it's like oh god like it's nothing massively offensive but you know that kid is telling the actual truth but twitching yeah all this to come so now we now it's like small ears small ears uh let's see what ellen has for us Oh, I just have to preface Ellen.

10:06I'm pretty sure she wrote in saying that this was a voice note that she'd sent her group chat about something that had happened. But I forgot to actually write that down. That's okay. Good job you're here. Here you go.

10:17Anna Williamson:Ladies, I'm going to fucking make you laugh now. Been to the doctors to get my, to get, because I'm still getting the UTIs. So, nice doctor. And she's sending me some scams and stuff. but she said I just want to give you a quick examination so if you pop behind the screen and get ready so I went behind the screen took off my shorts and that my underwear down below laid on the bed she goes you ready? I said you're ready she came around and she goes oh I only wanted to touch your tummy so there's me hanging there hanging there laying there hanging lettuce with my bits all out for her just to touch my tummy fucking mortified that was so embarrassing She did say, I'm so sorry.

11:01Anna Williamson:She said, I should have made it clear, which I think she should have. Yeah, she should have done. But there you go. Oh, babe, the second-hand embarrassment. The banter's just out. Ready for you. Yeah, didn't need that. Yeah. Oh. Bless your heart. Thank you, Sherry. We've got a Petit Polly now from Gladys. Hi, beautiful ladies. I have a Petit Polly for you. Hope you can enjoy it as much as I do the memory of it. Get comfy while I give you some backstory. When I was 15, I was a delightful blend of Chinese and English heritage, living in a town so white it could blind satellites from space. In this little monocultural bubble, I was considered exotic, which is apparently code for target for creative racism.

11:56Now, most of the townsfolk had the cultural curiosity of a brick. But one family down the road took the crown. They were like a bootleg version of the clan, but with more B &Q loyalty cards. Their son wasn't allowed to play with my brother, who, granted, looked like he'd stepped straight out of a Pokemon. Oh, my gosh. And it hugely resembled Ash, the Oriental main character. Then there was their daughter. Oh, she had a PhD in being a racist little goblin. Oh, no. Every day this girl hurled racial slurs at me with the energy of someone who thought diversity was a disease. And one fateful Tuesday after yet another racist comment, I saw red.

12:38Good for you. Don't blame you. Not metaphorically, like fuck Kill Bill sirens and slow motion punches. We fought. Of course, she went full drama queen, claimed I tried to assassinate her. Oh, wow. And suddenly the school and police were involved. I got in trouble. She got sympathy. Due to her black eye, but me coming away. Fine. I got detention, suspension and the secret respect of every kid who'd ever been called a name in the corridor. Good for you. Can't bear racism. Weeks passed. No more slurs. Peace had returned until one day leaving PE. I was walking towards science when she strutted past my block.

13:17Strutted past, blocked my path, leaned in and whispered. It was so casual, so smug, so bold. I considered punching her again, but the memory of nearly getting expelled held my fists in check. Instead, I smiled sweetly and walked into science. About halfway through my lesson, I raised my hand. Please, sir, may I go to the toilet? Now, any reasonable person would go to the science block loose. However, I had a mission. I strolled down to the PE changing room, scanned the rows of bags and shoes, and there, like destiny, shining down were her school shoes. Gleaming, innocent, slightly smug looking, if I'm honest.

13:57I picked them up, entered a cubicle and unleashed the full fury of my teenage bladder. I'm not proud, but I'm also not proud. I'm proud of you. I placed the shoes back like a twisted little elf, returned to science and waited. Good for you. Later that day, she emerged wearing her backup PE trainers, her face twisted in confusion. She never knew why her leather clerks were suspiciously warm and weirdly squelchy. Moral of the story, sometimes revenge isn't a dish best served cold. Sometimes it's a warm, moist surprise. Please keep me in on, as I still have fear that one day I'll be arrested for this.

14:35That was so worth it. We're now 18 years later, so give me the granny named Gladys, my beautiful nana with the gentle soul who would definitely not approve of her favourite grandchild's antics if she knew.

14:47Anna Williamson:Do you know what? Good for you. Good for you. I think you should have shat in them personally. Yeah, a massive turn. But also as well, what I always worry about is that child got that from parents. Yeah. You know, children are only racist because of how they're taught. And like that, I cannot bear racism. I just cannot bear it. And I'm sorry you went through that. But you know what? You had the last laugh, baby girl. I'm pleased you had the last laugh next time. Shit in the shoes. Absolutely. Right. Oh, we've leveled up. Oh, here we go. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, you're good to us. Rate my shart from Holly.

15:21Anna Williamson:It's not a shart. No, it's a shart. Shart alert. Brace yourselves. This will be the best one you've heard for sure. Oh, big statement. Yep, yep. Hi, my name is Holly and I'm from Warrington. Owning it. Already starting strong. Long time listener, first time writing in. Me and my best friend Lauren listen to you all the time. She was the one who wrote in about her ex-boyfriend covering his penis with a Tupperware and his mum checking it also. Anyway, story time. Me and my boyfriend Josh went to Australia recently. For some reason, he always seems to get ill the day after flying. We were staying with my friend from Mama Dad's house.

15:57Anna Williamson:We had to share the family bathroom. I think you know where this is going. Josh could not get off the toilet, even to the point in the middle of the night, my poor boyfriend was throwing up and shitting at the same time. That very same night, I got woken up with the lovely words of, Holly, Holly, I followed through. My boyfriend had shat himself while sleeping. Oh, we've all been there. Yeah, we have. We had to strip all the sheets in the middle of the night. Thank God it didn't get on with the actual, didn't get on the actual mattress. And using the washing machine without my friend's parents finding out.

16:26Anna Williamson:How embarrassing on our first night. It's like train spotting. Oh, that is so awkward. They did find out. Stained in someone else's house. Oh, bad. They did find out, but was amazing about it all and kept checking in for his bowel movements throughout our holiday. The next day, he was the same and it was coming out of him like water. So every, like every loving boyfriend does, he decided to video it for me. If I have to listen to this. Oh, no. If I have to listen to this, then so does the whole of Luanna. Laughing emoji. Enjoy. FYI, he had started recording because it wasn't stopping. So the video is only half of it.

16:59Anna Williamson:Video attached. Love you girls and the amazing stories you share, which I tell everyone about, including my Nana. Go on, especially the Pringles one, which is now a classic. and the MRI butt plug. Oh, my dad loved that one. Right. Go on then. Listen to this. It's too good to miss, I think. Da-da-da-da-da-da. It's going to be very informational. Okay. But if you're eating your lunch now, perhaps just skip for 30 seconds. Yeah.

17:34Sorry. I'm so bad.

17:38Anna Williamson:Also, was he in a public urinal or something, the echo? He's in the toilet. And again, please, and again, please, Sims. Oh, it was the ploppy bits made me feel a bit rank. This is too much. Oh, there's that bit. I can't, I can't. No, we've hit a new low now. That's it. Turn it off. It's the fact that in the video, his boxers and shorts are on the floor. So he's taking them properly off. Oh, poor Josh. So he's naked with a very tight body. It's bad. Let's just move on, Paul. We've found Louise's line. We have. That's pretty bad. We've just had listeners turn off. We've had listeners exit.

18:22Right. Shit gift from Vanessa. For context, my dad recently died in May and I'm pregnant.

18:29Anna Williamson:For the shit gift section. Shit gift section. Shit gift section. Yeah. For context, my dad recently died in May and I'm pregnant. I'm due in October. Sorry, Babs. So you would expect a nice gift for my birthday from my in-laws. Wrong. For my birthday from my in-laws, I received a hose pipe holder for the wall. Quite useful. I don't mind. I can't. Photo here. It's like us getting a shed. This isn't the first time they've given me a shit gift. A few years ago, they gave garden refuge sacks to my husband for his birthday. Love you, girls in the pod. It's given me laughs in a dark time since losing my dad.

19:04Sorry, babe. Don't keep me in on. My name's Vanessa and I'm from Birmingham. And I know my best friend Lois will be listening. Oh, it's just a box standard. Oh, it's a crap one. Yeah, it's not a good one. It's not a good one. It's not a hose on it.

19:13Anna Williamson:No, that's a terrible one. It's not a hose lock. No, exactly. That's not a good one. That's not a good one. No. Oh, it's really cheap. It's the size of a side plate. Oh, it's really cheap and nasty. Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, that's a very shit gift. Sorry for you. We're sorry about that. But thanks for the entertainment for the pod. Yeah. Right, confessions time. I've never told anyone this, but first up, top of the morning to you. Top of the morning. Top of the morning. Unsure if this is a confession or a petty poll, I'll let you guys be the judge of that. Well, when it's my time of the month, the big P, I like to, at least once, leave a massacre down the loo for my partner to find.

19:50Anna Williamson:Vial. I'm talking a used day and a half tampon. No, day one or two. Sorry, thank you. I'm talking a used day one or two tampon, so a good amount of blood. ideally I like to see his face when he finds said massacre because it's hilarious seeing him say oh oh my god please flush the name or even if I'm in the other room and here I'm freaking out it brings me such joy why should we as women have to deal with the pain discomfort and I guess what it looks like and men don't I just think a little reminder to him once a month of when I'm bleeding reminds him that what I go through please keep me anonymous he doesn't know I do it on purpose and I don't plan on stopping.

20:30Anna Williamson:Love you girls. Please keep on apologetically being you. Brilliant. I actually did this to Alex. No, you don't. Not quite for this level. No, we were in the en suite the other day and I was on a particularly heavy flow period and I was feeling tired and had tummy ache. And I thought, do you know what? He's walked in to go and get his toothbrush or whatever he was doing. And I thought, I'm not going to shield what the paraphernalia that I'm doing here of the changing of the guard. Remember when we had that conversation? Oh, I know. About being more feminine. more attractive to the other half. I figured, though, he'd walked in whilst I was on the loo.

21:02Anna Williamson:So I was in the winning seat. He shouldn't, you know, if he wanted... Yeah, yeah. And I did make a big thing of, oh, oh, I'm ever so... And it was quite Battle of the Somme. And yeah, I mean... I mean, my husband's lucky I don't get periods. Always ready to go. There you go. Right. Hey, Luana and Imo. Not sure why this would fit in the pod, but I've been a listener for a while and have finally plucked up the courage to write in. Please keep me a non. I vowed to myself that I would take this story to the grave with me. I couldn't not send it to you girls. There you go. I hope this gives you a laugh.