TOTALLY EXTRA: MH370 Mysteries, Hidden Snakes & Cousin Kiss Drama

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts and general explicit content. But you know you love it! Are you 45 in July? This is genius. Listen to what you want, put your goddamn earphones in. But oh no, oh I would die. Oh my god! I would die. Stop! Ooh. Oh, juicy. Wow.

0:36Anna Williamson:Welcome to Thursday. Welcome to Luana Totally Extra and another day with Team Luana. We also have Crumble the dog. Currently undecided on whether he will open his bowels. I might have to give him to Nat. Maybe. Maybe. She might come in. Anyway, hopefully a good week so far, guys. It is Thursday. Weekend's on the way. That's exciting. Lewis here I'm here Anna we've got Imogen Rose Leticia Hart producer extraordinaire social media manager Bex is lurking like a little lurker but this is your extra episode where we bring in extra rants chats extra confessions and stories can't wait to muff hunt in before that though really important guys we would be very grateful if you aren't already if you could follow us on your favourite podcast platform it's typically on the top right just click follow it means you get the episodes as soon as they land and please if you haven't already subscribed on YouTube hello to those watching on YouTube oh now let's kick things off with an ask Luanna anything I quite like these uh we've got one in from Jess hi Luanna and Bex um love the pod and all that kerfuffle it's brilliant honestly gets me through work every single day because that shit is mind-numbing um so I just wanted to ask when you guys kind of felt old or that your generation had sort of gone its course and this happened to me yesterday actually um or any like the day before i put a poll on instagram pretty much asking like help what nails what design should i do what go for because i really couldn't decide my cousin then um replied saying number one is giving and i was like what what what does that mean i can't reply after this yet because i literally don't know what that means um as my partner i was like what does serving mean and he was like well i don't know i think she's dissing it i don't sound good and i was like no it doesn't does it anyway googled it after googling i found out that actually it's a good thing um it's a good thing um i think it's quite widely used in the gay community like a drag kind of thing um yeah anyway it made me feel old as fuck and i was like oh my god i'm not cool I'm not cool anymore.

2:49Anna Williamson:Not that I was ever cool, but I'm definitely not cool now. So, yeah, I'm just wondering when you guys, have you ever had, like, that moment where you thought, oh, my God, I'm really getting on now. I'm not down with the kids. Yeah, no need to keep me in on. My name is Jess. I'm from Derby. Love you, girls. Bye. Thank you, Jess. How do you spell that? What do you mean? It's giving ****. Yeah. It's giving ****. Well, I've not heard that. That's passed me by. But, I mean, to be honest, I... I felt old when someone thought I was 45. Well, that's it. And I think I probably am so irrelevant and old every day that it sort of glosses over me.

3:26Anna Williamson:It's probably my kids now, actually. My kids, and Enzo in particular now, he's kind of like nine going on 16, and he keeps adopting all these sort of, you know, YouTuber sort of language. Although he did say to me the other day, he was like, by the way, me and my friends, like me and my friends can't believe that you're over 40. So I was like, I'll take that. That's nice. I'll take that, dude. I was like, how old do you think you am? He was like, I don't know, but not 40. I was like, well, what's wrong with 40? He's like, it's just old. Where do you think her 40's old? I remember my mum having her 40th and thinking, you are bloody ancient.

3:58Anna Williamson:Yeah. Yeah. Now we're there. But I, genuinely. You've run past it. Yeah, I'm 44. But honestly, and I'm not just saying it. Wait, you're not 45 in July? Yeah. Are you 45 in July? Yeah. Fuck, that is old. I know. It is, isn't it? It is. Yeah, that is. I know. I'm like, damn. I don't like the number. And I think this is why I'm starting to ignore the number now. But then I've never felt better than in my 40s. Truly. I've loved my 40s so far. I don't like ageing. No, you're right. And I think it's good for us, to be honest, but I don't like it either, actually. As in, I don't, this sounds really weird.

4:38Anna Williamson:I remember my nan saying this to me just before she died. And she would have just loved life. She loved life until she snuffed it at 93. Yeah. And she was like, I don't want to die because I just have so much to live for. And I think that's how I feel. I just love life. As knobby as that sounds, it's a blessing. I am getting like one of those old ladies with the little dog, though. Oh, yeah. And when I take Crumble on holiday this year to south of France, he's coming to all the beach clubs, and you're just going to be Saint-Tropez doggy. Saint-Tropez doggy. Like the question, though, what about you, Ims?

5:11Anna Williamson:Have you had this happen to you yet? Well, you're a spring chicken. well no but I do when there's like the newfangled words it's the newfangled words and I'm just like what does that mean and the songs my youngest cousin is 21 and she's currently living her absolute best life travelling the world and I would just watch her and I think oh god you're so young and you're just having the best time and I'm so jealous and you have everything ahead of you but I also wouldn't want to do that oh I would would you? No. Would you? I'm pretty content. Il contente. Il contente. Il contente. Anyway, we've got a conspiracy from Tina.

5:53Foil hat up my vag. Tina. Tina foil hat up my vag. Tina foil hat up my vag. Tim foil hat up my vag. Vagina. Yeah, Tina. Right. Hey, Luana. Yeah. I haven't gone in. In my own bags. No need to keep me in on, but love to give me a kinky porn star name. Not sure. So I'll leave that one to you, Emma. Not sure how kink that is. Well, tinfoil up my vag. Tinfoil hats up your vag. That is quite kinky, actually. Okay. Whatever you're into with your wife. Exactly. Just listen to the episode where you were talking about. No shame here. We're not kink shaming. Where you were talking about conspiracy theories and mine is The Disappearance, yes, of MH370.

6:37Zero. I just don't understand how a plane can vanish into thin air, never to be found. Yes! If it crashed into the ocean, like they say, why have only a couple of pieces of the fuselage been washed ashore? Or so they say. What are your thoughts on this? I love the pod. You keep me pumped on my one-hour drive to the gym. Jesus. Wow.

6:59Anna Williamson:That is a one-hour drive. You are a hero. So remind me of this one. Where was the plane? Is this the Bermuda Triangle one? No. Which one is this one? MH. Where was it going to? in Malaysia. Yeah, Malaysian Airlines. That's the Malaysian Airlines one. And it just, yes. But the thing is, the ocean is like, a big ass place. Like massive and very deep. I don't believe in that being a conspiracy. Personally, I just think, to your point, I'm like, that's just a horrible accident that, and you say, the ocean is an absolute whopper. I think it was a suicide from the pilot. Because there was, yeah, there was all sorts of like dodgy bits.

7:33There was a talk about pilot suicide. But that's such a selfish suicide isn't it to take all those people with you and i do think that it was just suicide in the ocean do you yeah and he's just downed it i think the whole actually do you know what

7:49Anna Williamson:now we because i was thinking i didn't really have an answer last week it caught me off guard but i think the whole bermuda triangle thing interests me like what's all that do you know what i mean and also the loch ness monster yeah like all of that interests me like it's like where did that come from. Is there any grain of anything in any of it? Well, no. And the Bermuda triangle, like Dixie's going to Bermuda and she went last year. Yeah. And she's still here. And she's still here. But I do like that one on the old conspiracy theories. Right, next. Voice note rant from Anonymous. So, Clemmy dear.

8:24Anna Williamson:Chlamydia! Chlamydia! Oh, yes!

8:32Anna Williamson:You know what? We had a listener write in. Her name is, can't remember. Brilliant. Her name is Lucy. Lucy gave me a lot of names. Oh, great. Which I've used. So you've banked them now. And Lucy, thank you. Thank you, Lucy. I'll credit Lucy for a lot of these names going forward. Anyway, this is Clemmie Dio. Hi, ladies. I have a rant for you. following along from someone else that called in about the Shopify codes and whatever and how annoying that is. Well, why nowadays when you order something is there so many follow-up emails? I've just ordered something. Lou, you'll be pleased to know it's a horse supplement.

9:23Anna Williamson:1235, your order is confirmed. 1235 again, you've earned 118 points. 1237, we've got your order. 1.49 Your shipment is on the way 2.19 Australia Post Your parcel is being prepared 3.03 Your parcel is on the way 3.06 Your package is on the way 3.08 Oh, this is a lot Leave your feedback What? It's too much It's too much It's a lot It is Now, that is a good one, actually That is a good one There's a sweet spot But other people would say, what fabulous customers are there. Exactly. I think there's a sweet spot. We've got your order. It's on the way. Oh, there's part two. Here we go. There's part two.

10:08Anna Williamson:Just some follow-up to that last message. I do realise I'm moaning about my eight emails that came through in quick succession. Although I have just checked myself and thought, how efficient that it all happened in three hours. So I guess maybe I'm a bit of a bitch. But, yeah, it's the emails. Too much. Listen. I'd say great service. Great series, but, you know, there's a lot of emails going on there. Thank you, though.

10:37Anna Williamson:Petty Polly from Anonymous, so Anovernip. Anovernip. Another nip. Another nip. Halo AnimX, love the pod and all the guff, jizz, farts, hoff-woffing and secret little coughs. Not so deep, right? We noticed it's better. I've been a listener for a while and I'm still playing catch up on old eps. I always listen to the current ones first, though, hence me writing in. After hearing about the Petty Polly involving the lube and BMW, I remembered my very own lube-related story. I wonder what it is that makes us girls so resentful of buying lube that we don't get to use. This is a story from a few years back.

11:13Anna Williamson:I had just discovered my partner of four years had been having an affair for the last six months with his marriage, 10 years older, mother of an 18-year-old daughter, PA, who very much knew we were together as she came to our house for parties, etc. Brilliant. I hadn't even had a suspicion. Apparently, I was previously lacking in common sense and intuition. Babes, it's not a you problem. I'd found some raughty messages regarding sex toys and the like. The initial discovery, he was never known for his romantic way with words. She'd mentioned that she knew he had a butt plug that she had looked in the drawer when she stayed over whilst I was away.

11:49Anna Williamson:Actually, mine hun, along with the lube alongside it. She was very keen to get some use out of these. She wants to use the wife's butt plug. of the husband she's having. Oh, she's got some front. She's a bit of a sick fuck. So my parting gift as I packed up the last of my things and started life again was a little addition to their ever-growing spicy sex life. I popped open the chilli oil. Oh. Oh. I popped open the chilli oil and topped the lube bottle back up. Now, I've never shoved chilli oil up my bum, but I have put too much on my dinner plate before and that wasn't enjoyable. I spent a lot of time in those first few weeks of my single life wondering if either of them now knew what it was like shoved to shove chilli oil up their bums.

12:31Anna Williamson:I'm so glad I found your ever so relatable pot. Thank you, babe. And you've accompanied me on many of my adventures. I think I'll stand on for this one. Imo, I'll give you freedom to give me whatever name you wish. Oh, chilli oil up the old bum hole. Oh, I hope she slathered it on that butt plug and shoved it up there. You know it, you know it. Oh, yuck. Right, we've got an ick from Kieran next. My name's Kieran, I'm from Crawley and I have the biggest ick now that we're in summer. guys carrying around the starbucks drinks the summer drinks of all the cream all the fruit really girly drinks but a really big massive kind of bulky man carrying these drinks and it's just a bit icky i quite like a guy carrying a flat white quite sophisticated but a children's or a teenager's like pink creamy frappuccino oh there you go we love an ick all right next Message from Muff Diver.

13:29Anna Williamson:Love it. Love it. Love it. Muff Diver. Am I reading it? Yeah. Hi, ladies. Love you on all that jazz. I have a story, but it's not the norm. No willies, tits, VJs, vudges, cheating, etc. I drop the kids at school and nursery and head on a solo dog walk, then to the shops, home, and I chill child-free. The dog starts acting strange. And rewind, five to six days ago, he was acting up in the utility room around the two shoe racks, mousing. He's a terrier and loves anything that moves. I get angry and I say, there are no mice, while flinging all the shoes out and pulling them back. Two days ago, in the living room, starts again, hunting-esque.

14:10I say, stop being silly. We have loads of our toddler's toys in there too, and I just dismiss the mousing behaviour. But today, he's tearing apart the toys, so I go in and show him one more time, there are no bloody mice. My hand touches something quite cold. I look down and jump at one of my kids' toy snakes. I fucking hate snakes. But oh no, oh, I would die. Oh my God! I would die. Stop! But oh no, this snake then moves. I let out a scream and it can only be described as blood curdling. What? Yes, I have a fucking huge snake curled up in my toddler toys. Oh my God. I'm terrified. called my husband in London.

14:53Useless decision because what's he going to do? Oh my God, I feel pretty weird. Brainwave. I call Sussex Wildlife Rescue. They are great. I send a pic and she calls me back saying the vet thinks it's not a common UK snake and an escaped domestic as it's large. She says, don't go in. It could be venomous. What? Barricade the doors. I freak out as she said, we can't help call the police. then I tried to calm myself I'm freaking out scared of my own shadow and then she calls me back saying one of the team will actually come as he thinks it's a UK snake he comes and finds the snake under the play table thank God and thank the Lord it's just a huge grass snake I've had a snake in my house for about 5-6 days and I didn't even know sitting watching TV playing tea parties with my toddler or with Mr Snakey nearby my nerves are in tatters but bravo to our brave doggy for trying his best to tell me for days.

15:55Anyway, I hope this gives you the creeps as much as it did me. I'm off to lie down and try and reduce my adrenaline. I don't even know. I hate snakes. I don't know if I can see this. Scroll it up. Scroll it up.

16:07Anna Williamson:Okay, we've got to put... Oh my gosh. That's like, it's an actual snake curled up amongst her kids like VTech, like laptop and shopping game. Oh my gosh. Look how happy that weird snake catcher woman is. Well, she likes snakes. Thank God she does like snakes, though. I think it's a man. It's a man, brilliant. That man. Are you sure that's a man? That's a man, actually, Derek, yes. Yes, that is a man, actually. I'm sorry, just the long hair and the lack of face. But, wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, there's more. Oh, no! Oh, I would absolutely freak the fuck out. I couldn't. We are now seeing pictures of this snake, and that is a proper big-ass snake.

16:47Anna Williamson:Oh, it gives me the heat of the jibis. That's actually made me not even want to go home. Like, what if there's a snake in my house, guys? Like, this is not okay. I've seen a couple of grass snakes here. Have you? Yeah, round the ground. It's a hard no. Right, quickly, move on. Voice note rant from Molly. Hi, ladies. Love the pod and all that jazz. Just a quick voice note rant, really. I've just got off a flight, and I didn't know it was normal now to just watch TV shows, films, videos at high volume. with no headphones on flights um the girls that was sat next to me they were watching the boys um on their ipad just out loud i had my noise cancelling headphones and i could still hear it um i don't know if you've seen the boys will know about it but it's quite graphic as well quite uh sweary there was kids on this flight on the seat behind so i was a bit like i don't know about that no that annoys me um but yeah just full volume the whole two hour flight Like, not happy about it.

17:47Anna Williamson:Anyway. That's rude. Love the pod. I'm Molly from Jonham. I just, it's one of my biggest bugbears. I also think we need to be a lot better now at actually turning around and politely saying to someone, could you please put your headphones in? Because too many people do it now, either talking inappropriately. I was at an awards, I'll talk about it next week. I was at an awards thing over the last couple of days. And like in the middle of what are quite, it's a quiet moment. Do you know what I mean? People gas bagging, but actually properly gas bagging. People are just rude. And it's like, where's your manners?

18:20Anna Williamson:And I think it's the same when it comes to listening to stuff. Listen to what you want. Put your goddamn earphones in. Anyway, rant over. Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana.

18:57Anna Williamson:Pickup fees may apply. It's time for some confessions. Yes. I've never told anyone this, but I know all your confessions are an on, but I absolutely must remain so, or I could get fired. Oh, don't get fired. I work for a big marketing agency and in my spare time I do some work with my old uni, mentoring some of their marketing grads as someone in the industry. Well, the thing I don't tell anyone is that I often get my grads to workshop briefs from my actual job as if they're made up. And I then pitch their ideas as my own and I get praised for such forward thinking and fresh ideas. That's so bad.

19:37That's so bad. That's the difference between Anna and her. This is genius. If my work found out I was sharing confidential briefs, it would not be good. But for now, these ideas are doing my career wonders, so why should I stop? I fucking salute that, that geniusness.

19:54Anna Williamson:I mean, it's genius, but it is like, oh, that's so bad. You're nicking people's brilliant ideas. She's making the most of what's offered to her in life. Wow. She is. She's not paying it forward, though. Where do you stand on this, Moralia Mo? I think it's morally incorrect would you do it sealing someone's intellectual property but what don't they don't know unless they suddenly see their idea on a giant billboard in London and then they're like oh well they'll just think it's a coincidence do you know something I think often we come at these things from our own personal experience and I have had a couple of I work through a lot of TV development stuff just what I've always been doing for years and years and years and I have had and I know for a fact for an actual fact your ideas have been that a couple of my ideas have been actually taken and commissioned by top broadcasters and I have been told that it was a basis of me sowing that seed and that's annoying so I think that's why I feel like it does happen I think that it does happen in a few industries where like in job applications they'll get them to come up with an idea or pitch something and then suddenly that will happen we'll just siphon that off yeah that's just life well I was actually about to say that is also just life and I do recognise that you know what yeah but I also believe that karma's a bitch like if you don't get hired even though your job your idea is amazing then your idea gets made you're a bit like oh fuck you well yeah I have seen that happen a couple of months but you know hey it is what it is but second one I hey Luanna and Imo and the rest of the motley crew there you are motley crew in the corner I've never told anyone this but my first snog ooh oh juicy wow It was with my first cousin, female.

21:41Anna Williamson:Wow. We had a sleepover. That's illegal. No, it's not. Not with a cousin. First cousin? Yeah, that's not illegal. Well, it should be. I'm not into it. I would like to point out, yeah. We had a sleepover when we were about 10 or 11, and neither of us wanted to start big school without practice. So instead of the classic midnight snacks and staying up too late talking, we snogged all night, giving each other pointers about what we liked and what we didn't. Quite smart. Well, yeah, I don't look snog. It's only a snog, yeah. I don't think either of us ever told anyone, but occasionally we share a known glance at family events.

22:14Anna Williamson:Oh, no. Stood me in good stead, though, because all of the way through secondary school and even to some of my mates now, my nickname became Pash instead of Tash because I lipsed every boy I got my hands on. Good old Pash. There you go. A little Pash with your cousin. Passionate snogs, wow. Yeah, why not? Yeah. I mean, I like to say if my cousins are listening. At least it was only a kid. One of my cousins does actually listen to this. and no Joanna it's a hard no hard no also Pash you've really done yourself over there because now all your friends if you've got a friend called Pash you know they're Pash the cousin yes brilliant well that is it for this week's Luanna totally extra do join us on Monday for Luanna the pod we'll be back then of course and send all your guff in we've got an email our only email which is Luanna at everythingluanna.com also got a whatsapp number It's 075215 64640.

23:10Anna Williamson:And don't forget, please, to follow, to share this podcast with someone else who might like to listen to it. We love you. Have a great weekend. The cop is back. This has been a Global Player original production. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up these mail. Bye.