TOTALLY EXTRA: Mum in the Bath, The Jacky P Debate & A Sims Sadist

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, spants and general explicit content, but you know you love it. You know you do, because you tell us you do, and we love you. Good morning and welcome to Thursday's Luana Totally Extra. Who are you? I'm the Lu Machine. I am the A-dubs, and you are? The... Minge. Minge. Minge. Minge. The Minge Meister. and we have on the floor in the corner are you talking this week or are you still upset with people no I'm bursting for a wee so she's not talking she's lost the ability to talk she needs a wee so much anyway it's Thursday we are of course bringing you that extra spice of Luana extra rants extra chats extra confessions extra stories this is all about you if you are watching on YouTube hello please subscribe now and if you are listening please do follow us on your favourite podcast platform it's normally in the top right hand corner you can click follow now we've got our first message let's see what you got for us this week Lufanians the first up's a message from anonymous so Lola Lickalot brilliant hi Luanna and crew but a long time listener first time contacting well done we always get you in the end I was listening to one of your Thursday episodes for Weirdo of the Week regarding the lady who while mid shag with an ex the mum oh yeah we've got a lot about this this has set off a lot of it did a lot of things for people a lot of chat entered the room and got into bed with them.

1:30Anna Williamson:Very weird. Well, while I was with my ex, we were visiting his mother. He wanted a bath as I had not long finished a footy match so went upstairs to run the bath. While in the bath, said mum was shouting up, asking how the bath, lots of baths here, was to which he replied, it's lovely. And jokingly, mum said, not as lovely as it would be with me joining you. Well, I thought it was joking to which I was very wrong. She climbed the stairs and proceeded to join her 26 year old son in the bath no no no she did not no this is a big no guys in the bath while me the girlfriend was sat downstairs feeling very uncomfortable hearing them both both splash about and giggling in the bath still seven years on I cringe about this please keep me anonymous and call me Lola Lick a lot thanks for helping me get through the week with shits and gigs he was 26 and the mum and the girlfriend was there that is the mum just letting the girlfriend know her place isn't it bless you Bex that is like the mum saying I know you're here with my 26 year old son but I'll always be top dog but I'll always be the one top dog so I'm getting in that bath can I just say that is so inappropriate splish flash we were having a bed that is so inappropriate that's fucked up I even think twice about having a bath with Enzo now at the age of nine only because he sits there looks at my tits and starts like prodding them with his book but I do think there's a line like I'm all about being liberal and naked and stuff I mean 26 I think she's gone like marathon and past that line.

2:59Right, we've got a voice note rant from Nina next.

3:03Anna Williamson:Hello, I'm Nina. Love the pod, all that jazz. I hope this voice note is of good enough quality for you, MO. Just have a quick rant, live rant for you. Twice this morning this has happened to me. Once I have answered the phone to somebody who is speaking to me and they are getting their children dressed at the same time. So why are you ringing me? You're clearly busy. Just wait five minutes. It's not time sensitive. And ring me back when you can have a conversation with me. When you're not moving around, the signal keeps going. And I don't know whether you're telling Jimmy to put his socks on or whether you're talking to me.

3:38Anna Williamson:It's very rude and it's very confusing. Stop. Also, I've rung somebody and they have been busy. And they're talking to me and the shop assistant. I don't know whether they're saying yes to me or yes to the shop assistant. Don't answer the phone. Why have you answered when you are busy? just let the phone ring and then ring the person back why do people do this? it drives me round the bend designated time to actually speak to somebody which in my case is never I hate talking on the phone but I think if you can't have the chat just sack the chat off I call my mum and she answers and I'm like oh it sounds a bit loud where are you?

4:17Anna Williamson:I'm just having a coffee with so and so why did you answer the phone then? maybe she wants to look popular my mum does that sometimes and she's like well just in case it's an urgent thing and I was like it's really not like no I can really relate to that thank you for that babes right we've got a petty poly from a non so poly non me non me poly non me lean on me poly non me poly non me when you're not strong right still catching up with the back catalogue well done go back and listen well done to all our old apps yes you guys have been a huge part of my weekly routine now and thank you so much for being you and contributing towards my questionable sanity.

4:57I love the Petit Polli so, so much because I can totally relate. I've been unknowingly carrying out Petit Pollis for years now and my favourite one which I have to share with you guys is the classic boxes on the bathroom floor. In fact, not just the bathroom floor, the bedroom floor, the walking wardrobe floor, just everywhere where he de-pads and that's where they remain until the laundry fairy me, picks them up. Well, I got so fed up of picking up his sweaty pants and placing them in the hamper that's literally in the same room. I've stopped doing this and simply told myself to only wash the clothing that's actually in the laundry hamper.

5:34Yeah, that's right. I pick them up and I just sling them back in his underwear drawer time and time again. He might go weeks without clean pants until I eventually come across them in the hamper on a laundry day. They've obviously got recognizably bad and he's thought, better get these washed. Oh, that's so gross. She has to go down on him with like dirty pants. I've even witnessed him pseudo-creaming his nether regions because he's had a random sweaty ball rash. It's not random, babe. It's because I haven't washed your undies in weeks. Best keep me a non, give me a porn star name. Wow. I would leave them on the floor.

6:11Yeah. Instead of slinging them back in the drawer because I wouldn't want my other half wearing dirty pants and getting ball sack rashes.

6:19Anna Williamson:I have to say, like, this isn't... Alex does sometimes walk in, like, drop his, like, tracky bees or whatever before getting into bed, and then it really does piss me off. But, well, I do do the chuck and... What's it? The pick-up and chuck in the wardrobe, but not on pants. And I've trained Enzo. I'm just like, because he does the same. I'm like, I will not have slovenly boys in my house. Yeah, bad. Pick up your shit from the washing basket. I just have laundry baskets in the kids' bathrooms, and they just put their stuff in the laundry basket. Always toddle in to do it. Yeah. Right. another Petty Polly next from Katie.

6:49Anna Williamson:I just had to laugh at this. So it was a bit of a shit gift and a bit of a Petty Polly all in one really. So last year for my birthday, my husband bought me a toolbox and some tools. I'd quite like that. Because even though he's got a garage full of tools, if ever I wanted him to do something in the house, it would never get done. So I made a joke and said, I should just get myself a bloody toolbox. and I can just do things myself. And he took that quite literally. So, yeah, to be honest, it's quite handy having a toolbox. Yeah. I know they're going to be in the right place because obviously all of his truck is just everywhere.

7:31But lately I've been finding screwdrivers, tape measure,

7:39Anna Williamson:some other bits, you know, like screws and stuff. I know that he's going to be like, oh, where did I leave the whatever? normally I just throw it in the kitchen drawer. But today I thought, no, tidying out the kitchen drawer, I'm not leaving it here. I'm going to put it in my toolbox. So when he does turn around and say, oh, where's my tape measure? I'm not going to tell him it's in my toolbox, along with my tape measure, because obviously mine's in the right place. But, yeah, I just, I mean, right now I'm looking at some wire cutters at the top of the stairs. What? Because he did actually sort out one of the lights in the kids' room.

8:20Anna Williamson:Now I'm rambling. But that's going to go straight in my toolbox. Brilliant. And he won't know where it's gone. Okay, thanks. Bye. Well, you enjoy your toolbox, babe. I'm here for the joy. I like having my own toolbox. Here for the joy. I've got my own screwdriver. I don't know why I have just a screwdriver. I've got a whole toolbox Al has an entire tool shed He is big on his tools I love a tool A Makita drill is it? He's got everything But he's very good at DIY I'm quite good at DIY Andrew's useless Me and Andrew are the same Hey man you hungry? Let's order delivery I was thinking Italian Burgers Game night just got tense Two bros on different sides of the fence.

9:12Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fact? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply.

9:28Anna Williamson:See wonder.com slash new customer. All right, message from Anonymous, so Carmen mei. Carmen mei. Hi, ladies. Love the pod and all that. Jizz. Please keep me an on. Imo, best porn star name. You did well, Imo. Thank you. Yeah, very good. After a toxic and abusive relationship, so sorry to hear that, my mum encouraged me to go to New Zealand for a change of scenery and perspective. She found me a job on a dairy farm and two weeks later, I was on a plane. I was only planning to be here for three months, but now two years on, I have no plans of leaving. Oh, I love this. Beautiful country. So my issue is this.

10:03Anna Williamson:My amazing and beautiful boyfriend asked me to marry him. Now, obviously, I said yes, because this man has healed. He didn't break bonuses. And a bonus, he's pretty good in bed. After being engaged for not even 12 hours, I get a phone call from my mum asking what country are we going to get married in. From mine and from my now fiancé's quick decisions on it, I said I'm more probably New Zealand. We continue to talk as normal. About an hour after I put the phone down, I get a message saying how she's upset because she now has to come to terms. has to come to terms with never going back to England and how she won't get to be involved in my wedding.

10:39Anna Williamson:My mum has since said that she will pay for mine and my fiancé's flights to England if we get married there. I love my mum so much, but I just don't know what to do in this situation when all of my fiancé's family are in New Zealand and all of mine are in England. No matter what we do, we'll never keep everyone happy. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. Keep being you on your pod. It helps me going through the long morning milking. do you know what I'd just do two weddings I'd have one in New Zealand and then I would take your mum's thingy up and I'd fly back to England and I'd have another little mini wedding maybe the honeymoon in England and do that and I'd just have two because you're not going to get all your friends and family to New Zealand it's so bloody far and just do two I think that's actually a brilliant idea she's offered to pay for your flights as well maybe then you can give your mum that job of being the organiser it depends on your finances you don't need to do two huge weddings but you could definitely probably do a nice little party that your mum can organise and you can still wear a little dress and have a blessing it's not as far as New Zealand and England but obviously I'm married to Alex who isn't, well he is British but he's Sicilian, Sicilian's where he was born and his heritage and we definitely were like which one do we do because the sicilian family didn't want to come to england and it's too expensive and you know to take all of the family you know uk over to sicily and the cultural clash as well um so yeah we kind of thought well we went with a majority actually and i think maybe that can be your motivation maybe just do we were like well majority you know is it was in the uk the sicilians that wanted to travel and then use it as a bit of a holiday to go and explore london and stuff like that they came um and then we just sort of then made sure we went over to sort of see the rallies and the family and like the rallies over there sent nice videos over for the speeches and things like that it is really difficult i just think go with the majority and i think i love lou's idea and maybe having a really great second wedding which is really common now actually in the uk your mum can get all organized with it i mean your mum might be sad she's not there for the first one but why don't you just do an english one first with a blessing but maybe her mum can I'd fly over for the new, but I'm sure, you know, you can get some wedge together to bring the mum over.

12:57It's very hard weddings, isn't it? I mean, it's so bloody political.

12:59Anna Williamson:You won't keep everyone happy. I think you need to understand that. So you have to get married and do what you want for you. Good luck, lovely. Let us know what you decide to do. And congrats. We've got a voice note rant from Claire next. Hello, Llewellyn and Moebex. I'm just doing a bit of a rant, a biological rant. So it doesn't really affect anyone. It's no one's fault, but it's just annoying. Why is it that as soon as you're close to home, you've been dying for the loo and suddenly that little bit of wee just comes out? Yes. Why? Why does your body say, I'm nearly there, but I'm just going to not hold on that little bit longer?

13:37Anna Williamson:I'm just, that is really annoying and it does really annoy me. I'm Claire from Bromley. Don't keep me anonymous. It's annoying. Love you. Long-time listener. Love you. It's a great reflection. great reflection we've got another message now from and on so anorecton anorection hey Luanna gang I need you to settle a debate between me and my hubby on how to correctly eat a jackie pea oh you've come to the right place we've got jackie peas for lunch today they're whoppers as well the other night we had settled in with our glorious jackie peas of cheese beans, more cheese and a slice of Lidl deluxe coleslaw if you know you know I'm eating it the normal way of all the glorious inside and then have the skin last with the leftover toppings I looked to the left and was disgusted to see that my husband is slicing through his Jackie P so he essentially was having the skin with each bite I'm completely horrified by his actions and I'm now questioning our whole marriage please tell me what is the right way to eat a Jackie P lots of love and erection time to confess guys well I have to admit I am team husband because I do eat my jacket potato with the filling inside and the skin.

14:55Anna Williamson:It just gives a multi-century textural bite. Well, I more eat the inside and then leave the skin to last but often what annoys me is I'm then full up and I don't get to eat the skin. So I sort of do inside a bit and then a bit of skin and then go back to inside and then a bit of skin because otherwise I get too full up and I miss out on the skin. Good method. Imogen. I do it all in one. Oh, she's just not messing around. Yeah, I do. Similar to you and the hubby, I do. Stuck in. Yeah. Give it all. So basically, Bex. All in one. Okay, so actually in this instance. We're team husband babes. Team husband.

15:34Anna Williamson:No divorce on the cards. Yeah, no divorce. We're saving marriages here. We're jacket potatoes. Right, Robin, what are you saying? Robin. So I have the most entertaining crime story of the day for you. you guys. So I'm currently away with work in a hotel. And as most girls do, I have ordered some nice brown jeans on Vinted, which were delivered today while I was out of the house and like most deliveries left on my front doorstep. Brilliant. Now, fortunately, I have a video door camera that I got my husband for Christmas, thankfully. So I saw this happen. I had a gut instinct that it may get stolen and I don't know why because I've never had anything stolen from my doorstep previously Two hours later, I look at the doorbell and I was correct A man walks up my driveway with a Just Eat delivery bag leans down, puts my parcel in his Just Eat delivery bag goes back to his car and drives away As you can imagine, at this point I am fueling That's so bad.

16:49Anna Williamson:At least you got him. I start going crazy, putting a report to Vinted, start writing a police report, even though these were only£25 jeans, but it's the principal. It's the principal. My husband gets home and gets a knock on the door from our next-door neighbours, who have told us that this story gets even better. Go on. This wasn't just any Just Eat delivery driver, it was our next-door neighbour's Just Eat delivery driver. They had ordered a takeaway. it had been delivered the guy walked back to his car they saw this happen they then saw him walk back up the driveway take the parcel from the front of my house and leave again now at first we didn't know who this guy was despite having clear video footage of his face but luckily Just Eat does give you a profile with their delivery drivers and their contact number therefore we have this man's name his face his contact number and that has all been added to the police report and i hope more than anything the police can get me back my 25 pound jeans i would call him myself but his photograph does look like a bit of a mobster and i don't really fancy getting stabbed over a pair of jeans that's fair keep safe i never have anything interesting happen in my life so I thought this was worth sharing with you guys.

18:17Anna Williamson:I should have probably said my name's Robin. I'm 28 and I am from Hertfordshire. Yay! Bye. Listen, Robin, I've been going about bins for the last two months. I would ring him. The police are going to do fuck all. The police are useless. I would actually ring him up and say, hi so-and-so, just wanted to recover my jeans from you. Thanks for picking them up and keeping them safe. I would. I do wonder that the police is low down the priority list slow down their list. They can't give a shit. Many people get stabbed and die in their own account. What if you could ring up like the Just Eat employee people, employer people and say, listen, one of your dudes has nicked my jeans.

18:54Anna Williamson:Can you deal with it for me? We actually need an update on this, Robin, okay? So this is like one I'm really pleading with you. Did you get your 25 pound brown jeans? Oh, did you just ring the dude? What did the police say? There's like a lot more to this story. I think you need to get your Just Eat people to like fight this one for you because it's like their employee as well. These are now like spring these flowers. I often wonder, this is linking into what we were talking about on Monday, about being a good person and being employed. If you catch someone who's clearly working for someone, doing something naughty, and you report them, should they be let go?

19:32Anna Williamson:Yes. If you clearly caught a Just Eat driver, he's not trustworthy. Should you report that to Just Eat so they know? Definitely. Then report it, Robin. Robin. Report it. Report it. They'll do more than the bloody piece. Yeah, and they'll hopefully say, look, maybe even give them an ultimatum. Give the bloody jeans back or you lose your job. Time for some confessions. I've never told anyone this, but. Hi, Luanamo. Hoping this is the right number. It is, darling. Newish listener here, so I thought it was time I shared my petty poly slash I've never told anyone this, but. Please call me Sylvia after my great-grand, who was a stubborn old mule, but we do not be here without her.

20:12If when upon seeing my great-grandpa at age 16, she had decided, she decided he was the one and made the first move. Go on. Go on, Sylvie. Thankfully, I've now met and married the love of my life, but was reminded of an X-Files Petty Polly tale for you. After I listened to the ep where someone was into shagging condiments, mint sauce, was it? Oh, yeah. Well, here goes. I was dating a guy for I'd say around three months or so when he declared he was in love with me. I did not say it back and clarified he must be confused with lust, which I had to Google translate to explain as English was not his first language.

20:52Anyway, what I'm getting at is he was pretty keen. So much so I was considering not taking up a job opportunity that would take me abroad. However, it came as quite a shock when I discovered he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. Safe to say I was not a happy bunny. We'd been having quite an adventurous sex life and I'd recently stocked up on lube. What a waste, I thought. I needed to travel light to work abroad and was annoyed that I'd wasted money on something I wasn't going to get any use out of. Next, the rage set in and I wondered how to get my revenge. So one night after my late shift, I drove to his apartment building and I saw his beloved BMW parked outside.

21:30I came armed with the lube. And after raiding my fridge to see what condiment wouldn't be missed, I settled on tartar sauce, Waitrose's central range I might add, shaken in a bottle with said lube, I proceeded to pour the concoction all over his windscreen and down the driver's side window and the door handle to make entry and vision from the vehicle the most difficult. It was summer so if he was not up bright and early it would solidify in the sunshine and be a right bitch to get off. Anyway, safe to say, after a hurl of abusive texts I received late the next morning, he wasn't happy. I obviously claim complete ignorance and thankfully no repercussions came of it.

22:08Despite at the time not considering the fact he lived behind a police station or checking if his property had CCTV, years later when I worked for the police, I realised what I had done could have been charged for criminal damage. Yeah, it is. Criminal damage. Safe to say hell hath no fury like a woman's squad. FYI, he didn't like the cheese. That should have been, he didn't like cheese and that should have been the red flag from the start. Hard no. Thanks for the laugh girls and listens. Keep them coming. I love the show and all that jizz.

22:37Anna Williamson:very funny yeah cheese massive red flag next one highly one of my love the pod blah blah blah excellent really in the spirit there I have a question for all of my fellow millennials what was the most unhinged thing that you did playing the sims oh yeah besides murdering the goth family so that you can move into their big fuck off mansion if I wanted to get rid of a sim I used to put them in a tiny room with no doors fridge toilet escape route etc so that they were slowly starved to death having wet themselves multiple times first. What the hell? I did used to give them a window. Weird, they couldn't get out through it, eh?

23:17Anna Williamson:Hey! But it wasn't to give them some lovely sunlight and vitamin D. It was so I could put a fridge right outside so they could see it but they couldn't get to it. What the hell? She's such a sadist. I don't know why it needed to be more sadistic. I promise I'm a nice person, but I don't believe I'm the only closet child sociopath. Lots of love, Lucy. Kind of want a fun name though. Maybe call me Anaconda. Anaconda! I mean, did anyone else do this? I used to play Lemmings and like make them walk off the edge. Actually, it's true. You used to get the Lemmings to commit suicide, didn't you? Yeah, used to make the Lemmings kill themselves.

23:52I think... Sims is a little bit after my time, yeah.

23:55Anna Williamson:Sims was very much my generation. It was. My friends did. We were Lemmings. I'm Gen X millennial. They're swimming and then delete the stairs so they can get out the pool and they just die. So it's not uncommon, this death. I mean, that is a different level. I mean, she really went for it. I would like to question. Well, you used to let them drown. Yeah, but I didn't like put the stairs one block away from them so they could just stare at them. Well, I think Lucy, I mean, I'd like to question, you know, were you the kind of person that kind of, you know, ripped spiders' heads off and, you know, trod on snails and then loved it?

24:28Anna Williamson:That's where it starts. I mean, that's where it starts. That is. Well, listen, on that note, that's it for this week's Luana Toti Extra. Of course, we'll be back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. Please email us, fellow Lufanians. Our email is luana. At everythingluana.com. You can also drop us a WhatsApp on 07521564640. Very good. Make sure they are excellent quality, please. Remember, this is your episode, so please furnish us with everything you've got. Furnish us. If you haven't followed us yet, please do, guys. It's really important. Top right-hand corner of your device, wherever you're listening to us right now.

25:04Anna Williamson:If you fancy watching us on YouTube, many people do. Hello, YouTube. And goodbye, YouTube. Subscribe now. Subscribe now. We will see you on Monday. Have a great weekend. Bye. This has been a Global Player original production.