TOTALLY EXTRA: Naked leggings, pharmacy fails & petty revenge

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Good morning, good morning. Welcome to Thursday. This is Luana Tote Extra. I'm Luisa Zissman. You're Anna Williamson. We are not joined by Imogen Rose Hart. She's still in America. so if you're watching on YouTube I'm looking at my phone not because I'm distracted because we're having to control and produce ourselves we all know that it's an absolute pain Imo does this I think periodically just to remind us how indispensable she is yeah true but we do cope well without her so well fuck you Imo well you say that I think we fall apart we do so come back Imo but in the meantime I have been prepped with all of the guff that you've sent in now this is Luanna Tote Extra which means extra rants extra chats extra confessions, extra stories.

0:57It's all about you. Very popular feature. Oh, love this. So first up, a misheard lyric from Anonymous. So loose hole, Imogen. Imogen, you are wasted. Imogen, you are wasted. She really is. It's wasted on this. Hi, Luanna and Imogen. I have one for your misheard song lyrics. Keep me anon as I'm a teacher. I love a teacher confession. Last Christmas, I put on some Christmas songs whilst the children were working. Oh, I love this song. Feliz Navidad. Have a mare. I love it. My kids love this song. So do mine. We listen to it all the time. Begins playing and one of the children announces, I love this song.

1:35It's my favourite. Little cutie. He then proceeded to sing the lyrics. Lou. A fleece for my dad. At the top of his body. Oh, that's so cute. Oh, that little baby cutie. He couldn't work out why we found it so funny. but it did become the new lyrics for my whole class and I can't help but sing this version every time I hear the song. A fleece for my dad, have a merry Christmas. A fleece for my dad, happy holidays. Oh, it's so good. Oh, bless him. Actually, this brings us, I know I don't want to mention the C word, but I reckon Miss Her song lyrics, we need to start teeing those up for Christmas.

2:14Start getting them in now, guys. We could do renditions. Yeah, let's do that. Right, we've now got a voice note rant from Lauren. Hello, Luanna. I'm fucking pissed off. And this is sort of a live rant because I've just got back of a dog walk and this happens quite regularly. That if you have a dog and you can't control it off a lead, it has no recall and it's just a fucking little yappy shitty dog, put it on a lead. Why is it that I'm constantly coming across people with dogs that can't control them? They're running up to my two dogs who are a Labrador and a Rottweiler who are pretty strong and I do keep them on a lead.

2:53Not because they're aggressive but because their recall is shit and I know they're just run off. So I do not let them off because I'm a responsible dog owner but these fucking idiots like the guy I've just met in the village put your dog on a fucking lead if you can't control it. That'll be all. Love you guys. Bye bye. It's true. It's a bane of every dog walker. It's so fucking annoying. It's always the little yucky ones too. Control your dog. I've got a message from Kelly up next. She says, Hi girls, long time listener since the very beginning, but I've never written in. I had to share this one with you.

3:28I had my hubby, sister's mother and friends howling with laughter. So here goes. I'd only just joined the gym, I was buzzing with motivation, and to top it off, I treated myself to a pair of new Adidas leggings from Vintage. They were a size smaller than usual, and I felt smug that I managed to squeeze into them, feeling like that girl, I strutted into the gym with all the confidence in the world. Straight to the treadmill I went. 30 minutes of sweaty hill climbs and full on running. Go on, girl. I noticed a few stairs. I brushed them off. Maybe I'm running too loud. Maybe they're just clocking the new face in the gym.

4:03Either way, powered on. From there, moved to the leg machines. Leg press, no problem. Then that awkward machine where you sit and you open your legs as wide as possible. Yeah. The one that has you questioning all your life choices while working your glutes. it was here I really started notice people staring at my lower half a couple of college lads were nudging each other and laughing again I thought teenage boys immature I wrapped up with the step machine where my hubby arrived from work to join me and was grinning at me I gave him a look like what's so funny and that's when he asked where are your bottoms I laughed what do you mean I've got my new Adidas leggings on babe have you looked in the mirror he said try not to choke on laughter i hadn't so off i went off i went to the toilet shut the cubicle door turned to the mirror and froze horror my leggings were in fact the exact shade of my skin tone from a distance and even close up i looked stark naked worse the fabric was so thin that every contour was visible I look like I've marched into the gym with my Jack and Danny fully on display.

5:14And to make it more traumatising, in certain lighting, it actually looked like I had a flap hanging loose. I heard literal photographic evidence zoomed in confirming the nightmare. I ran out of the gym, jumped in the car and sat in absolute mortification. My family group chat. Oh, I had to share it. My mum and sisters nearly choked from laughing so hard. I hope she set this picture. 15 minutes of self-pity, I decided to leave. Just as I started the car, my hubby rang. I've lost my keys in the gym. I need you to come back and help me find them. No, absolutely not. But I did. No. Head held high, trying to act like I wasn't basically naked in public.

5:54Walked past reception again. Hubby was bent over looking for his keys, not helping my keys. People double took, whispering and checking again if I was, in fact, completely bare. We found the keys quickly. The power walked out of there like my life depended on it. now I'm left with three questions did the woman who sold me these leggings on vintage suffer the same public humiliation do I dare re-upload them and pass the curse onto someone else yes or do I take them to the garden strike a match and let them burn with my dignity send them to us I'm Kelly, I'm from Bracknell and I've enclosed a picture here we go oh no

6:36oh no Even social media manager Bex is now going hand over mouth horror. Is she joking? Oh, my gosh. She zoomed in on the flappy bit too. Oh, do we have permission to share this on socials? I really hope so. It does look like a bit of, that looks like a clit. Can I just say, this is honestly, you would put money on the fact that this woman was butt naked. Also, from that photo, it's like a tampon string. Tampon string it does? You would put, wouldn't you, Bex? Oh, my gosh. You'd put money on the fact that she's naked. That is fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Bloody brilliant. That's so good.

7:12Right, we've got a voice note from Donna next. Hi, Luanna Emo. My name's Donna. I went to the pharmacy as my physiotherapist asked me to pick up some ibuprofen gel for my perineal tendon in my foot. So I went in there, spoke to the pharmacist. I'd just been listening to your pod on the way to the pharmacy where you were talking about perineums. Oh, yeah. And you mentioned perineums quite a lot in this episode. So when I got to the pharmacy, I walked in and said, oh, hi, I need some ibuprofen gel for my perineums. She looked at me like I had two heads. And she was like, for your what? Sorry? I was like, for my perineum?

7:56Oh, stop it. She was like, okay. I said my physio said that I need it for my perineum. She was like, oh, okay. It was really fucking crowded in that pharmacy. And I'm sure that plenty of people were talking about me when I left. You know. So thank you very much for that pod, because it made me look like a complete bellend. So cheers. Love you, bye. Welcome to the family, Donna. Oh, dear. I want to know, did the pharmacist give it? Yeah. Right, message from Anonymous next week. Polly Puss Pound Polly Puss Pound Imogen Are you feeling sexually frustrated? She's having a great time She is Hi girls I have a dilemma I'd love your help with For the past two and a half years My boyfriend and I Have been trying for a baby We've been referred to specialists For tests And we're on the waiting list For treatment I have a sister That's three years younger than me And she got married last November And then instantly fell pregnant And is due in the next two weeks I'll be honest As happy as I was for her I was really annoyed It happened to her so quickly Whilst we struggled This is a really normal thing, babe.

8:59That is common. It is really normal. Last week, I found out that we are expecting a baby. This is lovely. We are further along than we thought after a private scan, and I'm currently 11 weeks. Oh, that's nice. You're basically through your whole first trimester. Yeah, the good bit. Here you come. Do you know what I mean? The second trimester. And I have my scan booked on her due date. Obviously, I don't want to take the attention away from her, but I also want to scream it from the rooftops. We have waited so long. Oh, I see. Okay. if this was you would you keep it quiet from family and friends until she has had the baby if so how long should we wait I'd really appreciate your opinions or help I wouldn't keep it quiet I would look I wouldn't announce it on the day she gives birth so it's she said it's a couple of weeks from now but I wouldn't well she's got her scan on her sister's due date oh do you know what I would honestly I'll be honest with you this is just my opinion wait till after it's born I would actually wait I would think because like you're very entitled like I get it this is so exciting and happy for you but I think put yourself oh it's really hard I think it's your sister I if you can bear to keep that lovely little baby bubble a little bit longer a lot of people do that nowadays as well keep their little pregnancy news for a bit longer would you I think it could look eggy if you announce it after she's had the baby because then are you taking away from her celebration is she not better saying it before the baby's born and being like oh my god I'm pregnant like because otherwise the sister's going to have the baby and then she'll almost trump not trumpet but then she's going to be like i'm pregnant but i think if you can leave it a week or so just for the kind of excitement to die down so not not the same but similar ish when i had enzo my girl cousin who's kind of like a sister to me we were sort of brought up really closely she got pregnant and so it's like maybe two months later um and then like the family knew that and and i have to be honest and it was lovely news i was like oh my god that's amazing yeah my cousin thinking yeah he's gonna have a baby because it was like we'd had that whole first couple of weeks of excitement we've had the baby everyone's seen the baby and then let's be honest life just gets back to normal and you're with the baby i mean this is my personal advice and i think lou's got slightly different which again is is great advice as well i think if it was me honestly i think i'd probably hold fire until your sister well look i think hold fine until she's had the baby let her have that moment the big crescendo because everyone now is gearing up for it's going to happen every day it's going to happen any day so you're going to also want like a celebration around you so let your sister have that celebration give it a couple of weeks and then you can have your celebration because otherwise you might feel like you you yours has been overshadowed because her actual baby is going to be there yeah that's what i would do yeah i'd say just give it a couple of weeks give her a little moment because the thing is we know what it's like as well when your due date's in it's really from now you get started getting excited about it well you do what feels right for you, but that's what I would do.

11:49But look, it's happy news for both of you. Exactly. So it shouldn't be a competition. But also, sorry, I would have her scan, sorry, I'd have her scan just to check everything's good. Well, she is, but the scan's on the due date. Oh, I see. Yeah, I'd hold it in. So, yeah, hold fire. Right, we've got a voice note round from Kate. A little live run. Do you know what I fucking hate? Is when you phone somebody, they don't pick up, go through to voicemail or what have you, and then they send one of those preempted text messages saying sorry can't talk right now well i know you can't talk because i have phoned you and you have not picked up your phone being that i do not have the brain cells of an ogre i determined that you couldn't talk to me right now why don't you give me a call back when you can sorry i just make lots of calls in the job that i do i find it really frustrating Kate from Bristol Love you We're sorry for you Kate We're sorry but we get it Right we've got another message now from Anon So Bored and Nosey Says hi girls long time listener but this is the first time I'm writing in heavily pregnant and I'm on countdown to baby's arrival hence I've got some extra time on my hands so I'll lap that up Please give me a porn star name as this request may seem strange.

13:12Well, Bored and Nosy isn't a porn star name. I mean, it depends where the story's going. True. I have a potential idea for a wig gagging for it or simply a request for lists and stories. On Loose Women today, told you I've got time on my hands. I was just about to say that. They were talking about getting jilted at the altar as this storyline is apparently featuring, yet again, in one of the soaps at the moment. Well, you got me thinking, does this actually happen to people? I'm not talking about calling the wedding off the week or day before, but do people actually get stood up on their wedding day?

13:43I thought, who better to ask than the Luanna listeners? I'd love if you could ask us some stories if people would be willing to share. And please also forgive me, as I know this is so morbid, but I'm curious. Secondly, on a more upbeat note, having just watched the finale of the summer I Turned Pretty, apparently that's amazing. I haven't watched it. Oh, she says, sorry for the spoiler this may contain. I also got thinking, did these big romantic gestures happen in real life, like someone being chased when they're boarding a train or plane so their lover can profess their love to them. Think about Belly, Conrad, Ross Rachel.

14:18She says, I hope this makes the pod. Love, bored and nosy. We're grateful for you watching Loose Women. We'll do a gagging for it. Bex will get that up and we want to know. My best friend did the day before. The day before the wedding. We were all at my other friend's house ready to go to the wedding and I was bridesmaid and he called it off. We had to call everyone. Yeah, it was really bad. Well, we'd like to know. It was the actual day before her wedding. And I wonder, has anyone, but you're right, has anyone actually at the actual moment, I've always wanted to know as well, you know, if anyone can say what anyone, speak now, hold your peace.

14:57Has anyone actually, you've done it. Oh, has anyone actually done it? I've been shagging her. I want to know if someone's done that bursting in. Yeah, I'm married to him still. Yeah. Like, let us know. Bigger me. On our socials. Bex will stick it up. Right, let's crack on with a voice note rant from Sarah. Hello, Anna and Mo. Hello, it's Sarah here from London. Yo. Got a rant for you. Last night, 11 o 'clock, turned my telly off, about to go to sleep. The loudest bloody road works right outside my bedroom window. No. Why? Why is this okay to do? I understand it needs to be done, but 11 o 'clock at night?

15:31No. I do not think so. No. This went on for 45 minutes. No, but... I open my window and shout it down. Why are we doing this at this time? We'll be quick. We have to do it. Not on my fucking watch when I'm trying to sleep. Thank you. Bad. Anyway. It really pissed me off. Have a lovely day. That's bad. That is out of order. I've got to do it, but not at that time of night, Babs. Well, there's a time and there's a place. Time and a place. Not at 11 o 'clock at night. Time and a place. Right, petty polly from Kayleigh. Hi, ladies. A petty polly for y 'all. Good, because I love this. When my partner goes for one pint on Friday after work with no pre-warning, so dinner has been cooked or I'm waiting for him to have a takeaway.

16:09But he rolls in in the early hours instead. Well, I leave my toddler's most annoying, loudest toy, a guitar. In direct eyesight, when he wakes up, without fail, he will run in, climb into our bed, and play a lovely tune for us at 6am. I can't tell you the laugh and satisfaction this gives me every time. Absolute corker. Brilliant, it'll be a corker. Right, time for some confessions. Hey girls, I'm a home carer and often go into houses of clients I've never been in before. I went into a man's house and he asked me to make him a cup of coffee. I went to the kitchen and there were three pots that I assumed is tea, coffee and sugar.

16:57I put a spoonful of coffee into a mug and went to pour the hot water onto it. I'm not sure what stopped me, but I looked again what was in the cup and it didn't look right. Turns out the coffee pot was actually an urn. And I just spooned this poor old man's dead wife's ashes into a cup and almost served it to him. Thanks for the love, Seedswidge. Livy from Manchester. Remember me from the Palladian... Oh, I do remember you, Olivia, from the Palladian... They gate-crashed our after-party. They bowled in there pretending to be Nanny Nat and Nanny Jess. And then Nanny Nat and Nanny Jess couldn't get into the after-party.

17:37Very clever, Olivia. We love you. We love your ballsy. And yeah, brilliant. That's very funny. Second, I've never told anyone this, but girls, I have a secret and I don't think I can tell anyone, so I have to tell you. I was on Hinge earlier today and I saw my married neighbour on there. I've always had a bit of a thing for him and I swiped right and we matched I haven't initiated any conversation yet but I'm getting fanny flutters already don't do it, you can't shut on your own doorstep don't do it, stay away from the married neighbour if you go for the married neighbour however, Anna does have another podcast that she'd quite like you to guest on you can come on the affair as a guest we're all booked up for that one just don't do it, don't wreck your marriage Jesus, wow, what a corker that is it for this week's Luana totally extra, remember we will be back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday, we love all your guff we love hearing from you, please send it all in, Luana at everythingluana.com This is your episode of course, so your whatsapp number as well to send all your voice notes into is 07745266 947, guys please as well don't forget we are on YouTube every single week, head over to there we would love you, please please do subscribe please comment as well please do share our videos with everybody and the same goes for the actual podcast as well if you're not subscribed to us yet please make sure you are now and we would love a five star rating as well lots of love see you Monday bitches bye

19:12this has been a Global Player original production