TOTALLY EXTRA: Natures D*** Pics, Sex with your Ex's Cousin & a Cabinet full of the "Nation's Secrets"

0:01Evening.

0:02Anna Williamson:Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah, I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night, just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence.

0:43Anna Williamson:Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fire? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. this is a global player original podcast be warned it's luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions rants bunts and general explicit content but guys you're here and you know you love it hello good morning good morning it's thursday woo oh lovely very cheerful thanks guys i've had my coffee beautiful thank you sweetie good morning guys how are you i'm good you just said i've had my coffee i just got this urge to like delivery starbucks oh it's getting ridiculous now has the obsession what's what's the order of choice i've signed up as well to like golden delivery or some unlimited delivery shit as well it's bad what's the choice what's the choice what well you can have a coffee order no but what do you order um oat milk latte oat milk latte with a shot of caramel.

1:53I do like a chai tea latte with oat milk. You do, you do. I need to buy some chai tea out here.

2:02Anna Williamson:Oh, stop it. I really, really want another coffee now. I'm salivating. You know, I've got a bit of a sore throat. Ooh. Air con. So, no, anyway, guys, this is Thursday. We are bringing you extra. That means extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions, extra stories, extra you. And just a reminder, if you want even more extra without having to do anything, please follow us on your favorite podcast platform because that means we'll get downloaded straight to your phone. And also, you can now watch us on YouTube. It's not a new thing, but we're still bleating on about it. You can subscribe now to YouTube.

2:40Subscribe, bitches. Right, this is your episode.

2:43Anna Williamson:We're like those videos the kids watch. Subscribe now. Yes, subscribe now. Can I just say, sorry, slight side note. I'm cracking up at the moment on Instagram of the people taking the piss out of influencers doing things they're like normal people eating an apple oh yeah it's the it's the nail click yeah honestly it's my favorite thing it's like it's like right here we go anonymous so uh scarlet fever hi Luana and MO I'm a long-time listener but this is the first time writing in I've got story for the weird things we found segment inspired by last week's listener except mine isn't something i found in my home but i found at work i work in hr and i use uh used to work for a defense company snazzy some of the company's projects were classified secret in the interest of national security oh that's exciting it's a bit i'd like that job yes i'd be telling everyone everything we'd be all useless oh we'd be awful because guess what and we do that usual tonight there's a national security threat yes well forwarded many times and we'd end up voice noting each other going look i'm not supposed to tell anyone this but yeah but oh we'd be dreadful um uh natural security and employees had to sign the official secrets act this is why we're podcasters not doing that job because we gobs.

4:08Anna Williamson:One day, I got a call from an elderly lady to say that her husband used to work for the company and had recently passed away. She explained that he had a filing cabinet at their home which had old work documents in and could we come and collect it? She'd been told by her husband that documents in said filing cabinet were top secret and she had never looked in it as she hadn't signed the official secrets. She's a bit of a goody two-shoes. Fuck that. We'd be dreadful. You had a top secret filing cabinet at home. Babe. Jesus, I'd be in there. Oh my God, pull up a chair, bring your mates round, we're in, right?

4:40Anna Williamson:It can't be that top secret if they're keeping it in the house. Well, let's see. This did seem a little odd as employees would never be allowed, there you go, Lou, to take classified info home. But in order to avoid any potential security breach, we arranged for the filing cabinet to be collected. Once back at the office, it seemed to be my job to go through the cabinet in case it had any personal information inside. HR can get all the best jobs. Well, if you hadn't guessed by now, this filing cabinet... Oh, we had not guessed this. Oh, we had not guessed this. This filing cabinet was full of what must have been a lifetime collection of porn.

5:15Anna Williamson:Magazines, VHSs, the days before DVDs and the internet. Lube. And several pairs of stockings. Some of the drawers were so full I could barely get them open. Well, clearly this old bloke could use the official secrets act to stop his wife stumbling across his secret porn collection. Quite genius. This is actually genius. Quite genius really It's given me a career highlight story I'm always thankful that she was such a dutiful wife And never took a sneaky look inside She goes on thinking what a hard worker her husband was Putting in all those extra hours with his filing cabinet And he gets to take his secret porn collection To the grave I hope it makes it to the pod Ims give me a porn star name It seems only fitting for this story Thanks I mean it does indeed Scarlet fever it is Stop I mean that's a good one to just go to the grave Oh and the wife never knew and she just thought it was his little secrets.

6:05Well, it was his secrets. Dirty bastard. Jaffing himself off left, right and centre. Wanking into stockings of his lube with his VHS tapes. Filthy little fucker. I'm on secret business, dear. Won't be home for an hour. Wank him. Right, we've got a voice note next from a non, so we've called you Gabe Horn. Brilliant. Hello, straight man fan here. Um, just a quick response to the ladies rant the other day about pajamas and pockets. Um, obviously as a man listening to this podcast, we hear all the trials and tribulations of being a female and what a tough sort of like thing it is to be a female. Um, us men were quite flawed as well, you know, and this leads to the whole pajama pocket thing.

6:54The reason men, male pajamas have pockets in is because unfortunately God did give us a penis and the other thing he did just for shits and gigs is every time we wake up in the morning and go downstairs we have a massive boner because until we um go and relieve ourselves in the bathroom i go for pee we will have normally a massive erection which is quite embarrassing and can make some people feel threatened and could even poke someone's eye out so all right the reason we have these pockets is because we can put our hands in grab a hold of our cock and just pretend that we've got our hands in our pockets there's nothing to see unfortunately I have just told everyone whenever a guy's got his hands in his pockets in his pyjamas what's actually really going on there but I just thought I needed to mansplain what's going on give us a name bye

7:49Anna Williamson:now I have to admit as a sister to brothers I'm very aware this is the thing boys will be boys, boys and their toys So they always have boners till they do a pee? Well, that is quite common, I believe. But also whenever I see... I didn't think you could pee with a boner. No, I think it's quite hard. You can. I think it's quite hard. But also, always with the hands in the pockets, you know they're having a fondle and a fumble. Oh, filthy. And then like that nice sweaty ball sack smell. I quite like that smell. You do. Yeah, not for me. I like that smell. Oh, it's just like pheromony. Nuzzle on in there.

8:31right sorry

8:36I've really made myself laugh right Pessy Polly Anon so Smelly Pringle Smelly Pringle Smelly Pringle okay hello Animo long time Irish listener but please keep in on and give me the porn star name Smelly Pringle I wanted to write in with my Pessy Polly I live with one other housemate and we share a coffee machine. It has a water jug at the back that feeds into the machine. And every time my housemate fills it, she only puts in enough water for her own cup. So after she makes coffee, the jug is basically empty again. What drives me mad is that it would take maybe 15 extra seconds just to fill it up fully.

9:20So it's ready for the next person. Because the jug is at the back, I often don't realize it's empty until the machine starts steaming and making an awful noise because there's no water and I end up refilling it. Every time, I always fill it to the top because, you know, normal behaviour. Etiquette. So, my Petty Polly is this. After my last coffee of the day, I pour out the remaining water so it's just below the minimum line. That way, when she comes home to make her afternoon coffee, she'll have to fill it up herself again. I know it's Petty and she is my friend. We get on great otherwise, but this has been quietly annoying me more and more.

9:59Does anyone else have a small thing like this that rationally drives them mad? No, this would actually drive me nuts as well. Can I just say? But maybe they're both doing the petty thing to each other because you're emptying it. So she's only filling it enough for her cup because you're not filling it. This is it. Touche and all that.

10:17Anna Williamson:It is a boil pisser in my house, I'll be honest, when I go to our coffee machine and it's gone. you hear it go beep beep beep halfway through making a coffee and you're like fucking hell yeah that would annoy me too we have um a jar jar jug of like water in the fridge door for like cold water and it really fucks me off when i go and get a glass of water and there's like there's like an inch of water in the bottle and you're like why it's not acceptable why Not acceptable. So annoying. Yeah, annoying. We can relate to that big time. Next up, voice note. Oh, there we go. This is what we've been waiting for.

10:58Anna Williamson:Shit gift from Anonymous. So Pat Presley. This was very tenuous. I thought Pat sounded like bad and Presley sounded like Prezzy. So it's meant to be bad Prezzy. But anyway, never mind. Good try. I think you spent yourself last year. I'm incoming with a shit gift that we got for Christmas from the brother-in-law it's shit but it's quite funny to be fair but it's not funny when your partner tries to hang it up in the kitchen I just can't do January to be honest probably guess what it is but I shall insert pic oh nature's dick pics 2026 candor I would love nothing more than that quite honestly oh look and that rock is like a dick So things in nature that look like dick That does look like a dick I actually would love this calendar This is a quality calendar You could probably buy it on Amazon Yeah, Nature's Dick Picks 2020 Or send it to me, we can do a gift swap If you like What are you swapping it with?

12:02Anna Williamson:I didn't get any shit gifts No, lovely gifts actually Also the Tupperware went down well with Elle Oh, did you get the dressing gown? No, me Yeah No For Andrew Oh no I didn't Oh No Because he He didn't remember me Sending it to him Oh that's a let down We were I was hoping you were Going to rock up In the dressing gown Didn't get it Oh let down Let down We'll club together But I have got A very nice I'll wear it For the next episode Okay I have got quite A nice gown here That I've been Sauntering around in Floating around Like an author. I would put it on for next week's episode of Darling. Love that.

12:45Love that. I feel quite, you know, little women in it. Nice. Nice.

12:54Anna Williamson:Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah. I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night, just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fire? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. Right, we've got a message from a non now. So Myrtle says, hi, Luana and Emma. Please keep me non. Don't want anyone to know I think this. So give me the name Myrtle. Love you all so much, and you really brighten my drive to work and make me realize that I'm less weird when I hear your stories.

13:39Thank you, darling. And make me feel like a part of a family. So thank you. I have a bit of a dilemma and I'm looking for some advice. I'm thought with Anna's therapy skills and Lou's take no shit response. I thought you were the best girls to talk to. So let's Muff dive in. I've been with my partner for around three years now. And I pretty much live at his only being at home two nights a week. The rest I'm at his because we have a dog together too, which lives at his house. I feel so settled with him and he treats me well. and I do feel lucky to have him. But there is something that I don't feel okay about.

14:13When I tell my friends, they pull a face that I can tell they don't approve of. He doesn't really like or do holidays. What? And we've only been on a one week holiday and a weekend away in the whole time we've been together. This reminds me of Andrew when I first met him. Really? Yeah, I'll tell you more. Yeah. But I'm a vet nurse, so I really appreciate holidays. I love going to the warmer places for a week. while we've been together I've been on two holidays with my bestie two with my parents and going on another one with them at the end of the week but my partner gets very funny about it he hates me going away with both parents and my bestie gets really annoyed with me sometimes won't speak to me because of it I now have a serious fear of telling him and I have mini panic attacks when I do have to tell him I know it's not right and I can tell by my friends faces that they also don't agree with it but I've only felt this settled with him and I really don't want to be with another guy because life plans are on the same page.

15:09He treats me so well. It's just about the holidays. Please let me know what you think and give your most honest opinions because I think I need the reality check. Keep being you girls and cheering us up and guiding us early 20 girlies through life. Thank you in advance. Myrtle. This is lovely. Well,

15:27Anna Williamson:there might be a reason. Yeah, why? Oh, I think, and you've asked for kind of, yeah, the therapy but cold hard truth. I think for me, this is where I come out always from therapy is why? And always just come out from being curious. People behave for a reason most of the time. And exactly that. I think it's really getting to the root cause of this and having that big conversation with him and being really transparent. And literally saying, as you've just said, I am now at the point where I feel so anxious about telling you I'm going on holiday, which is a really irrational and unfair thing for me to feel.

16:03Anna Williamson:well I would like to understand what is going on for you and why that I get you know why I why this response happens each time I'm going on holiday and see what he says and is there a plausible reason for it um and I think that's where I would start I mean what what were you going to say about Andrew Lou? So when we first met I was like I love going on holiday blah blah and he was like oh I just don't understand why you need to go away for like more than a week at a he basically like never really went on holiday he was just always working then he met me and I showed him the way you showed him the way he made up for it you can't work this hard and earn all this money to not spend it on holidays yeah and nutter anyway now he fucking loves the holiday but yeah he was a bit like just didn't see the point I guess in holidays I don't know well that but so that's really interesting so and I think to your point on that there doesn't have to necessarily be some massive issue or trauma around it there might be I don't know but to your point Lou some people just don't see the point some people don't like going away some people don't see the value in spending their money they have a different value system I'm like you Lou I work really hard if I go on holiday as bougie bitchy as this sounds and I'm not saying I've got loads of money but I do okay I don't bother going on holiday unless my holiday is far superior to my own bed and my own lifestyle because for me that's not a holiday but that is something that Alex and I it's like when I took Andrew to that caravan oh the caravan yeah but you know what but some people love that too which again is also absolutely great but i think it comes down to having your own things that you like spending your money on and doing alex and i will not bother going on holiday unless we do it in the way that we want to do it so we'll perhaps have fewer but do nicer ones if and when we do go and i think possibly your your boyfriend your partner doesn't maybe see the value in holidays thinks it's a waste of money but you don't so i think it's but he shouldn't get shitty should he like i don't like it when like no that's the problem that's controlling fucking pathetic but That's controlling.

17:56Anna Williamson:That's stonewalling. Because he's trying to make you not go on holiday. No, it's manipulative. It's being emotionally immature and emotionally manipulative by stonewalling. I have got, one of my pet hates in life is stonewalling, but giving people the silent treatment. Communicate effectively. If he has an issue with it, for whatever reason it may be, if it's a personal thing, it's a whatever, he needs to communicate that to you. But also, you actually deserve the respect for being an independent person. remember a relationship is an interdependent one which means you get your independent life as well as your couple life if you feel strongly about going on holiday and you are able to do that and you want to do that then that is what you should be able to do without being punished which is what is happening by him i think you need to call him out on his behavior say the shit sandwich say everything else about your relationship is wonderful you really enjoy it you love him but this is a problem for you this is a problem for you articulate in an eye perspective this makes me feel this i don't know if you realize you make me feel like this but actually when you react call out the behavior when you react like that it makes me feel like this um it's not okay can we please get to the root cause of this so we can both enjoy being as a couple that that's what i would do and then if he's a shitbag about it i'd say that's your problem if if he if he doesn't accept it that's what i would do good luck yeah right voice note from Sophie next.

19:18Anna Williamson:Hi Luana M.I. Sophie here. Long time listener. First time Whatsapper. Voice noter. I'm just listening to last week's episode where the lady voice noted to say how sick she is of the Jet 2 holidays advert. I've got something that can trump that. Go on. It was my bloody first dance. So you can imagine how much we hate our first dance now. You're welcome. Stop. That's horrendous. That's a bit of a weird first answer. Erase that memory immediately. Right, shit gift from Anonymous. So, Barbed Dwyer. Hi, ladies. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Shit gift time. Now, for context, I have a passive-aggressive mother-in-law who always has a lot of advice to give on how we raise our kids.

20:07Anna Williamson:I live in Spain with my husband and two children under two and we visited the UK and our families for Christmas. Mine and my husband's joint present from the mother-in-law this year were safety plug covers. Not just any plug covers, UK specific plug covers that we will absolutely, are absolutely useless when we go back home. Looking forward to the next time she visits us and asks why we aren't putting her thoughtful gift to good use. On the plus side, the plugs were safe in England for the remaining three days. Thanks again for saying the past two years left the pod. That's such a shit gift. Such a shit gift.

20:38I mean, you can't even comment. It's just shit. That is shit.

20:41Anna Williamson:So shit. We've got another one from Vicky. She says, Hi Luanna, a message for your shit gift section. My husband is notoriously bad at gift buying. Every year I hint towards what I might like or point things out to him and it never works. This year, what I... Oh, sorry, there's a fly. It's really annoying me. It keeps buzzing in my face. Fuck off. Right, sorry. This year, I thought I'd be more direct and sent him a link to a Jo Malone perfume and said, this is what I'd like for Christmas. On Christmas Day, he handed me something that did not resemble a perfume box. Well, it wasn't. I opened a bloody doorstop, popular again, in the shape of a dog.

21:22I sat confused for a minute when he said he'd let my six-year-old choose my gift this year. Later, I tried to ask where the perfume was, which is tricky, as I don't want to sound like a sport brat. And he said he forgot about the link. Well, touche with my robe. And after that, I just ordered the perfume myself. No need for it no. I'm Vicky. From Worthing. Yeah. Ouch. See, you could just, just got to order shit for yourself. Just buy your own shit. Talking about gifts that you bought. Look at this lovely gift I bought myself. What's that? It's a fluffy. It's a trinket. It's like a little trinket thing.

21:56Oh, it feels slurred. Oh, it's so soft. Oh, get me one of those, Lou. So really relaxing. Just stroke it. No, do you know how expensive this was? Was it? Bit of a rip off, actually. Go on. I think it was like£190. Stop it.

22:09Anna Williamson:What? For a little tiny tree full of fur? It does look really fluffy though. I want to stick my face in that. Well, I looked at the website and I thought, oh, this whole website's really nice. But everything was really expensive. So it just kind of went for one of the cheaper things. So I ended up buying a small grey square of fluff. And I don't even know what to use it for. Bring it home when you're back in a couple of weeks and I'll have that because I really want to stick my zigzag on it. I was just looking at it and thought, I could put the new dog in this and take a nice picture. Do it. Do it.

22:46Anna Williamson:Hey, man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah. I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fact? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

23:27Anna Williamson:No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Confession time. I've never told anyone this, but... First up, hello. Thanks for the laughs and keeping me company on lonely days. You're welcome, babes. I was with my ex for 13 years. We have three kids together. She then had a months-long affair before I noticed, which somehow continued even after she begged me to go to therapy to save what we had.

24:05Anna Williamson:So while I was out here reducing my work hours, having mental breakdowns and solo parenting three kids under five, she was off living her best life like she'd unlocked a side quest. Anyway, after we split, she went around telling everyone that I ended things conveniently, leaving out the whole cheating part. So naturally, everyone assumed I was the villain. I only found out when I finally opened up to my dad, who explained why half the family had suddenly decided I was public enemy number one. Apparently, you broke up the family. It's harder than she had an affair. Fast forward a few months. I get invited to a house party.

24:34Anna Williamson:her cousins are there. I'm hesitant until I notice one of her cousins is aggressively flirting with me. Yes, a cousin. Yes, a he. Quite a few years younger than me. Was he attractive? Absolutely not. But was it petty? Oh, extremely. So I went home with him and committed what I can only describe as Olympic level revenge. There was a tomorrow, unfortunately, because he woke up in my bed and wanted round two. That's when sobriety kicked in and I realised, oh, oh no, this is very small scale equipment. Oh dear. I, being polite and slightly traumatised, said nothing. He stayed a few hours, emotionally unloaded about being a black sheep of his very messed up family.

25:13Anna Williamson:Oh wow, it turned into therapy session! And I nodded like a therapist who did not sign up for this. Eventually, I showed him the door. As he was leaving, he turned around and said, oh my god. Who says this? So, would you fuck me again? I laughed nervously and then I closed the door. Petty, yes healing debatable satisfying absolutely would i go there again maybe with the other cousin keep me a non although she knows it or suspects it which i'm delighted about i need to co-parent with her for at least another decade oh god brilliant next confession it's new year's day My confession is I came literally into 2026 banging my ex-best mate's brother.