TOTALLY EXTRA: Nippy Nippy, Password Hacking & One And Done

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. I've been calling it Luana Land for ages. My brother is in me. Going to Tesco, can't wait to look at people's badges. One and done, let me tell you, is the way to go. There it is. Don't know, but they're doing nippy nippy. I've done this.

0:30Anna Williamson:Have you?

0:37Anna Williamson:Hello. Hi, guys. How you doing? Welcome along. It's Thursday. It's another day in Luanaland. It's another day in Luanaland. And you just want to play. Do you? You might want to. This is, of course, Luanaland totally extra. We should do a musical, Luanaland. Luanaland. That should be the name of our next four. Luanaland. because it's like a mandaland I mean I do love the way make a note Ims I did have it in my notes section no you didn't why are you robbing my idea I've been calling it Luanna Land for ages yeah I've just said for our next tour and then you've just been like yeah I had that name not as a title name to be fair but I've had it in my notes as part of my brainstorm it is in there I've got my suspicions there am I?

1:27It's there It's in It's not about you and it's not about us This episode is of course about our fabulous Lifanians and before we muff hunt in with all of our extra chats, extra rants, extra confessions we would love a follow on your favourite podcast on your favourite podcast platform so wherever you're listening now it's normally in the top right hand corner please click follow it really actually genuinely does make a difference to us and bringing the podcast to you and when we reach out to sponsors it shows that we're popular and we have a lot of followers i want to be pop you how's that song go popular i want to be popular so just press below on your podcast platform and subscribe on youtube if you're watching along i think she needs to have a little sing song today.

2:19Popular. Popular. Right, so also subscribe on YouTube. Hi if you're watching on YouTube. If you're not and we're in your ears and you want to see our faces, you can have it over to YouTube and watch us now as well as other extra bonus content that we also produce so perfectly on YouTube like our most recent vlog on the Gladiators. That was an award-winning

2:40Anna Williamson:speech there. Right, you carry on now. Message from, it was good housekeeping. Message from Hayley. Hello. So I was just sitting, no I wasn't, hello I was just listening to this week's pod about the bloke who looks to see how this is Anna's new hobby guys she keeps messaging me about this I am actually guilty you guys she messaged me the other day saying going to Tesco can't wait to look at people's badges yeah literally literally I am this person okay okay have you noticed me talk about Tesco recently I don't normally go to Tesco. Yeah, but you are now going just to look at... I'm an Aldi and Little fan and now I'm going to look at the name badges.

3:19Anna Williamson:That is why you're going. That's the only reason why. Quite a good marketing little ploy from Tesco. Isn't it? They should promote it more. Well, we'd like to campaign now, please. So about the bloke who goes to see how long people have worked at Tesco. My mum started working at Tesco when she was 16 in 1978 and she's still there now. Hayley. What would you do if you saw 1978 on a badge? I would firstly take a selfie. I'd ask if I could get the tannoy and do some sort of congratulations. I'd go and get her a share cake from the Isle of Cakes and bring it over. But the problem is now, and do you know what, this is not even me bullshitting you.

3:57Anna Williamson:When I was in Tesco the other day when I messaged you that. What did you find? I had my trolley and I didn't have the kids with me, which is bliss to go shopping by yourself without the kids. So I did take my sweet ass time to, they have a lot of cashiers in Tesco as well, which is also a good reason to go. And I did take my time walking up. I walked up and then down again to find, and my process was, find the oldest person at a till. Yeah. And I'll assume you've been working there a long time. Yeah, because you might as well go older. Exactly. Thinking they've been there a long time. I only got 1992.

4:28Anna Williamson:Well, still quite decent. Not bad. Hayley's mum's going to be there 50 years and two years' time. Well, she gets... Well, I hope that she gets a free food shop for that. Yeah. She deserves that. I mean, look, I think a little bit more than that. I mean, a nice little£500 voucher. A day off. Right, we've got a voice note round next from Zara. Z-Z-Z-Z-Zara. Hello, Luanna. This is my rant of the week. It drives me flipping insane. I just realised I've not set my name, but we'll do that at the end now. I was diagnosed with celiac just before Christmas this year. Cool. Bit boring, but hey-ho. the worst thing of it is if you're trying to find something gluten-free because i have a gluten-free diet any shock near me one tiny aisle one freezer one fridge oh it's okay if you're vegan or vegetarian there's four fridges or freezers and a whole lot more choice these people choose to be vegan or vegetarian yeah cool i salute you i couldn't do it i don't have a choice i have an autoimmune condition but i've got to just suck it up and have barely any choice anyway rant over um i'm zara and i'm from wiltshire do you know what zara needs a thermomix in her life yeah and a good pantry because you could make really good food very quickly with a Thermomix and all gluten-free.

6:13I'm a big Thermomix fan.

6:15Anna Williamson:And it is a shame and a rant, but I guess if it is a minority, they won't want to shell out on a lot of stock. Look, I'm all for not listening to the minority, to be quite honest with you, Zara. I'm sorry for you. But a Thermomix might be all... Do you know what? By the time you go to the shop and search those aisles, you will whip something up in that Thermomix. True, true. You know, within 20 minutes, half an hour, you could get some really nice, healthy, homemade, gluten-free meals. That's what you need to invest in the Thermomix. I do believe they also offer 0 % Finance. You can contact at aggerscooking on Instagram.

6:52There it is. My lovely little agger. Your lovely little agger. Sorry to be here about seeing it, though. It does sound really bloody annoying. It's so annoying. It does sound very annoying. We've got a little pleasures slash rant from Jess next. She says, ladies, I love you all so much. Thanks for keeping me company when I'm out and about. And I have a guilty pleasure and a rant all in one. Cash machines that give five pounds notes, five pound notes and cash machines that don't give five pound notes. Sometimes you just need a fiver, you know. And it's infuriating when you have to get a tenner and then go and buy a pointless purchase in the shop to break into it.

7:25I think they do it on purpose. So in spite of them, I'll buy the smallest thing I can find, a 15p apple. and I pay for it with a tenner. Seems this is also a petty poly. Keep up the lulls.

7:36Anna Williamson:Jess. It is irritating when you just need a fiver sometimes. I just put everything on my card. Yeah, my kids always need a fiver at school for stuff. There's always a thing they need a fiver for, always. Petty poly from a non. So Mel on ball. Hi Luanna, I'm writing in because I fear I may be a fully qualified petty poly and my victim is my mother-in-law. Please keep me a non. I need no more reasons for my mother-in-law. to hate me. My mother-in-law is one of those women who is permanently immaculate. Hair perfect, clothes perfect, house perfect. She somehow looks like she stepped out of a catalogue at all times.

8:11Meanwhile, I live in reality with two small girls. Now here's where my pettiness comes in. On the day she does the school run, I suddenly become very relaxed about presentation standards. Paint on the cardigan, character building, grey but technically meant to be white polo shirt, Still a polo shirt. Hair. Girls, why don't you do your own hair today? Be independent. Get creative. And before anyone thinks I'm being unfair, this all stems from the fact that my mother-in-law used to keep spare dresses and white socks at her house because apparently my children weren't pristine enough to be seen in public with her.

8:44Not because of spills or emergencies, purely because she likes them looking picture perfect and God forbid a toddler wears anything other than a frilly dress. So now, if there's paint on the cardigan, a polo that has long since given up being white, and one ponytail somehow sitting near an ear on the other on top of their heads. I'm not rushing to intervene. I'm not sending them looking neglected. They're clean, fed, loved and happy. But if she has to do the school run while quietly dying inside over a stain and a wonky hairstyle, I'll admit a tiny part of me enjoys it. It's petty and it fills me with satisfaction.

9:19Anna Williamson:Brilliant. She loves little petty Polly.

9:24right so we've got misheard lyrics from louise now hi girls love the pod and all that jazz um so i'm just voice noting in with a misheard lyric um so my name's louise and i'm from kent and i've recently joined a soul choir which i absolutely love um and we get the lyrics downloaded on the app each week when we're learning the new songs and we've been learning ultranates you're free and i always thought the song in the um one of the verses was my brother is in me that's what i thought my brother is in need oh brother i thought that as well i was like absolutely being totes and approached by singing the wrong lyric.

10:13Anna Williamson:Casual insert. I really triplets myself. So it gave me and my girls a pirate a giggle, so hopefully it gives you girls a giggle too. And keep doing what you're doing, muff hunting, love all the stories, all the confessions, and really good to leave a voice note. I thought the same, my brother is in me. Why is it we never question the lyrics that we're singing? because that's actually real incest. Right. Message from Anonymous. So Faye Heater, dear Lou Animo, long-term pod listener here, working my way through the back catalogue. Anna, you're welcome. Ba-ching. Thank you. I couldn't not comment after listening to the episode with the woman concerned about her only child being lonely and feeling regret and guilt.

10:58Anna Williamson:I myself am an only child and I have lived a lovely, lovely life full of experience and opportunities which would simply not have been available if I had had a sibling. Both my parents are the middle children of three and have some strange relationships with their siblings. I'm now incredibly close to my parents. I've never felt that anything was missing in terms of a sibling. I'm now married to another only child. My husband feels the same as myself in terms of not having any siblings and it's not something we ever dwell on. This is a really lovely one and done. Let me tell you, that's the way to go.

11:27Anna Williamson:There it is. My father-in-law and grandfather-in-law are also only children. As a result of our upbringing and what we feel we can offer, we now have a beautiful three-year-old girl who will be our remaining only child, remaining and only child. There is no guilt or even question really around our decision. We feel that one child is our financial, physical and mental limits. This is so sensible. I know. Why don't more people do this? Or you just admit it and feel okay with it. This is great. And this way we can offer her everything she needs. Also to that, I know I didn't want to just have one child.

11:58Anna Williamson:Do you know what I mean? So it's great when people own what they want though. I hope that fellow listeners receive some comfort from this message. keep up the fab work on the podcast ladies you keep me sane on my multiple journeys to ferry the child around and also to my 13 hour shifts as a midwife my own bell ending birth story is incoming soon yes send it in please keep me a non, let in my work at Maddox for the best porn star name thanks for that message brilliant right we have got another voice note now from Cass Arrows my bum hi ladies I need a safe space to rant. So today, my daughter's reception group chat went off and said, this weekend the school teacher is getting married and we'd all like to club together to get a gift for her.

12:48All right. I think this is ridiculous. Why are we getting presents for teachers for such things like weddings, Christmas, birthdays? I get the end of the school year, but I just do not get presents for everything else. I really love my daughter's teacher. I appreciate her so much in everything she does for my daughter. However, I do not feel like I need to get her a gift. She doesn't know me. I don't know her. So why am I going to spend money to get her a gift for her wedding? It's just ridiculous. When does it stop?

13:25Anna Williamson:I mean, there are a lot of gifting opportunities now. I see that but I think well well my kids left their bloody school didn't they at Christmas and now they're back there oh yeah and I did really good presents for leaving to a lot of the people like you know a lot of Johnny Lou vouchers yeah always a Johnny yeah we always do a Johnny Lou now they're going to leave again oh I think don't worry about a leaving gift I'm going to have to do an end of the day well get a bunch of flowers oh well I do like their teachers I think you know what it's appreciation for teachers teachers are really good Do you know what my Enzo's teacher said to me, and she's been there years, the last parents' consultation we did, I took her a bottle of wine.

14:06Anna Williamson:Well, I just took her a bottle of wine. And I thought, well, because often it's where we do group presents and stuff. No, I didn't actually. Well, I mean, admittedly, I did just pop it on my shop. Yeah. But I did get it. I did get it. Okay. Because I thought, well, I just thought you'd do this parent consultation. See, she's got kids herself as well. And she's a really good teacher. She really gets my boy. And I gave it to her and she literally looked at me and she went, I know she likes wine as well. Oh, she's here to laugh seven at night. And she went, thank you. She went, in my 23 years of teaching, no one's ever bought me a bottle of wine or gift for a parent's evening.

14:38Anna Williamson:And I loved that, that I did that. And I went, well, you've spread the word now to over a million listeners. Yeah, do it. You know, you can take your headphones off if you want. Oh, yeah, I didn't think of that. I'm quite kidding. I hurt my ear. Kids say the funniest things from and on. So Debbie, smash your back doors in. nice go for it hi girls my daughter who's eight was outside playing with her little friend and i just popped out to check they're okay her friend looks at me dead seriously and says i know what you and victoria's dad got up to last night i'm instantly thinking excuse me so i awkwardly go oh yes what was that then and she says victoria told me that she saw you having nippy nippy with her dad at this point i wanted the ground to swallow me up so i turned to my daughter and I whispered, what on earth is nippy nippy?

15:29And without missing a beat, she goes, it's when you rub tummies together. Honestly, I went from panic to relief to wondering what kind of weird romance story these kids had made up in their heads.

15:41Anna Williamson:Were they shagging or not? I don't know, but they're doing nippy nippy. That's all we know. I'm going to nick that. Right, confessions time. I've never told anyone this, but here we go. First up, dear Luanna and Imo. I'm a bit behind on pods and I'm trying to catch up. Forgive me, you are. I've just heard the ep with a confession where the woman steals ideas from the kids she's mentoring. I thought that was genius. So bad. Well, I did something similar but possibly worse once in a school and I never got on over it. It's one of those that when you can't sleep at 3am and your head fills with all the random shameful things from your life.

16:13I don't experience that.

16:14Anna Williamson:Zero guilt. Well, in Year 8 Me and this other girl Year 8 Me and this other girl were going for Form Perfect. Prefect. Form Prefect. Sorry, I've got bins on. And we've been told that we had to do a presentation in front of the class at registration and that the class would then elect the class representative. I really wanted the job because I was a bit of a teacher's pet brown nosy type in school and also a real busybody. So I fancied myself a bit of an overlord. Anyway, the girl I was up against had been going on about how she'd been perfecting her speech and presentation all week. And I was a bit tired of it and also really wanted to beat her.

16:47Anna Williamson:So I went to the IT room after school the day before the presentation, tried to log on to the computer as her. obviously I didn't know her password so I got the IT tech in the room to reset it for me pretending I was her this is actually quite smart bingo I was in I read her whole presentation and essentially I copied 99 % of it and then I left when we came to registration the next day she was selected to go first bugger I thought it'll look like I copied then I remembered I'd reset her password. Oh, this is fucking conniving and genius. She couldn't log in. Our phone tutor said we didn't have enough time to get IT down so said I could go instead.

17:30Anna Williamson:I, bold as brash, presented essentially her entire presentation to the class and to her crestfallen face. I mean, who did I think I was? And I got a big clap. She was told she could do her presentation after lunch. Oh, this is so bad. but she ended up pulling out of the race because she didn't have enough time to redo her stolen presentation never said a word against me about the copying I was victorious at the time I'd never felt better even if she gave me dirty looks for the next four years of school no idea why she never dobbed me in I would have but I do feel terrible about it now there is some good in me I promise Can I tell you when I'm just thinking that's so bad I've done this Have you?

18:14There was a poetry competition and I stole this girl's Gail her poem and I remember the poem exactly and I won the poetry competition because the poem was about racism the colour of your skin is not what you are within black, yellow white or brown why does it make some people frown I can't remember the rest I mean it's a lovely poem it's just not your poem I robbed her but I've just remembered that, I forgot about that Well, she must have known because I won the poetry competition with her back. This is some juicy juice. Black, yellow, white or brown, why does it make some people frown?

18:57Anna Williamson:Can't remember the rest. Anyway. Oh, I mean, that's one hell of a confession. Next up. Ladies, I must remain a non, but my short and sweet confession is that at the ripe age of 43, I shall confess that I do still pick my nose and eat it. Simple. I know it's gross and sometimes I even feel disgusted in myself, but it's a lifelong habit and sometimes it actually tastes delicious. Well, you crack on my dear friend. You get that fingernail in and pick out that grolly and have a good old chowdown. Remember, we will be back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. Please do send in all your gaff, Luana at everythingluana.com.

19:40You can also send us a message or a watch app on 075214.

19:44Anna Williamson:5-6-4-6-4-0. Remember, guys, review, follow, rate, subscribe. You know the drill. Don't let us down. Have a good 'un. This has been a Global Player Original Production. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply.

20:26See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com.