TOTALLY EXTRA: Pharmacy Rants , a Washing Up Petty Polly & Step-Uncle Fantasies

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it.

0:18And it's Halloween laugh. I think we blew our load on Monday. Welcome to Thursday. It is, of course, Halloween tomorrow. What are you doing for Halloween girls?

0:31Anna Williamson:we are doing lots of trick or treating yes love a bit of trick or treating no I'm actually hence the outfit I'm hosting a traitors Halloween night of course you bloody are of course you are so how many are coming 12 and you're Claudia I'm Claude you've obviously got the outfit and you're going to assign your murderers and everything yeah I've done the script I've done it all it's so exciting yeah if you'd like to I was going to say actually yeah two things we tried to do a Luanna night out the traitors gone a bit what happened with that well Anna couldn't do it and then she suggested dates I'm not even in the country so I thought fuck off then it's got a damp squib on that we can do it no we'll do it today we'll plan it today anyway listen this isn't about us and our guff this is about you and your guff this is extra rants extra chats extra confessions extra stories extra What are you?

1:28Anna Williamson:Here we go. So first up, misheard lyrics from Anonymous. So Flor del Fuego. Yeah. Okay. Hi, Luana. Is that one of yours? Flor del Fuego. Yes. She's Spanish. I was going to say, you just get better and better in her. You're like fine wine. Thank you. Listening to your pod today, it really made me chuckle hearing about the teacher whose sweet student sings, I know, a fleece for my dad instead of Feliz Navidad. Oh, it was cute. Before my dad have a merry Christmas. I'm also a teacher, but in a secondary school. And I wanted to share my very different experience with my year eights and nines last year.

2:05Anna Williamson:I teach Spanish. So it's a given that while we do our Christmas activities, this song is going to come on. However, unlike this very cute primary student rendition, my classes tip to changing the words from Feliz Navidad to The Police Took My Dad. at full volume for every other classroom nearby to hear. Needless to say, I had a few strange looks through my door. Not quite the same heartwarming feeling as your other teacher got to enjoy. The difference between primary and secondary. Exactly. Safe to say, this song won't come on this year until these new lyrics have been well and truly forgotten about.

2:43Anna Williamson:Thanks for reading. Muchas gracias, señorita. And on. And on. Love it. We've got one from Shelley also with the misheard lyrics. she says, I've been singing this wrong for 20 years. And it wasn't until my friend said what the fuck and corrected me. It's the Pina Colada song. Since hearing it as a child, I've always sang, if you like peeling bananas. I obviously didn't know what a Pina Colada was age nine. No, you like Pina Colada. What do you mean you don't know that song? You don't know the Pina Colada song. No. I'm getting caught in the rain. A pina colada. No. Wow. Well, there you go. Everybody knows her.

3:28Very famous. Everybody knows her. Had a lobotomy on that one. Except Anna. My God. She said, I just didn't know what a pina colada was age nine, but I do now. No need for a granny name. I'm Shelley from Morecambe and I love the pod. I like a pina colada.

3:42Anna Williamson:I like a pina colada. Oh, it's all scrummy. That's like, that's your holiday drink, isn't it? Do you know what the dream is? today, Thursday the 30th, my kids are flying back to England without me and I'm in doobs for another few days. Have a pina colada, babes. That's what I'm thinking. I'm going to head to that beach. Get me that sunshine and a pina colada. Do you know what, Lou? Bloody right, girl. You do that. A voice note rant from Gemma next.

4:13Hey, Lou Animo. Quick rant, if I may. So this is the second time this week that I've gone to Boots to pick up a prescription. Not an emergency prescription like Anna, but just a prescription. Why? Why do they have to shut for a lunch break? Why? What makes them so special that the pharmacy team get to have their lunch all at the same time and shut down the pharmacy? So they put all the blinds down so you can't get anything from behind the counter? You're telling me they couldn't just take it in turns? to take a lunch break like normal shops do. Susan goes off for her break when she comes back.

4:49Old Dorothy then goes for hers. Why? Why do they have to shut down the whole thing? It's such a goddamn inconvenience. Because now I still haven't got my prescription. It's not an emergency. Anyway, I am Gemma. Can please say hello to my sister Sarah? She introduced me to the pod quite a while ago now.

5:09Anna Williamson:Love listening to you girls every week. Bye. I should give you my pharmacy. who is exceptional. I find that very surprising for Boots, to be honest. I wonder if Boots HQ know about this. Yeah. Because that's very surprising. Right, bellends in birth from Jodie. Oh, we love this. We all know a bellend during labour. Hi, Luanna and Imo, your pod is amazing. Thank you. I love my mini escapes into your world of realness and saying how it is. I mean, I don't know, that's debatable. I have a bellends at birth story that I need to share. I'm slightly behind trying to catch up. Currently at June 2025.

5:48Anna Williamson:Oh, not too far behind. You can go all the way back to 2018 if you like, guys. And a few stories have been sent in which prompted me to write in. It's August 2020. The sun is shining. I'm four days over June and the contractions have started. Having already had one absolute ray of sunshine and deciding to have another, I knew what to expect. Or so I thought. We're in the throes of COVID. Oh, God. Oh, trauma. And having a thought, no, and having a bar, sorry, we're in the throes of COVID and having a bar, restaurant and weddings company. My whole pregnancy consisted of playing the hokey cokey of being allowed to open, not open.

6:24Anna Williamson:Oh, do you remember that? Bubbles are awful. Bubbles, same household, blah, blah, blah. You get the gist. August saw the launch of Eat Out to Help Out. Monday to Wednesday, my partner and I, with our amazing team, welcomed the whole of Yorkshire into our restaurant for their£10 voucher off their food. My due date was coming in thick and fast. We had discussed that our daughter needed to come on either a Thursday or a Friday so that my partner could work from Monday to Wednesday chaos and also be there at the weekend. And so she did as she was told. Oh, good bubba. It was a Thursday afternoon. My amazing friend is a midwife and stayed with me all day, comforting me whilst my partner went about his errands.

7:02Anna Williamson:My amazing friend was also due to work that night. I did say to her on numerous occasions to go home and get some rest as she undoubtedly was going to have to deal with me that night also. To which she refused and sat by my side and she even went and got me a Thai takeaway. She always has been an amazing friend who both my kids adore and also listens to the pod. Shout out to you, Beth. Well done, Beth. Good friend, Beth. Yeah. Now on to the bellend. Whilst I'm in the throes of early labour, adorning my partner's boxer shorts and one of his t-shirts because I'm swollen and ballooned, hair on top of my head, no makeup and mooing, oh, it reminisces mine, I'm in the kitchen, partly laying on the pet cooling mat Trying to cool down.

7:41Anna Williamson:Great tip for any summer births, by the way. The pet mat. Brilliant. Bouncing on the ball and trying to stay in the zone. Next thing, I hear some gruff male voices along with my partners. At this point, I'm completely past caring. Two middle-aged men walk into the kitchen and don't know where to look. She's in bloody active labour on the pet mat, guys. They asked my partner, oh, God, you look busy. Shall we come back? To which he replied, oh, God, no, she's... Oh my God! To which he replied, oh God no, she's going to be ages yet. Both awkwardly set a step around me as I was not moving. Now I don't know why my partner decided that the day I went into labour was the time to get a leak fixed in the cellar, especially as it was the summer and we hadn't had any rain for weeks and they had been fine for the last five years.

8:28Anna Williamson:Stop! To this day, Beth still attacks him on it and how ridiculous he is. I can only say that that's the only bellend thing he did. Oh, sorry, I can't say that's the only bellend thing he did throughout the Labour story either. He's just a full-time bellend. I do love him, honestly. And again, love the pod, Jodie. Brilliant. God, I've seen. Yeah, it's like Alex and the Fibre Optic Broadband. It's just like, at what point does your brain think this is a thing? Engage, brain. Like, stop it. We've got a voice note next from a non-so-barrel. Oh my God, girls. Lovely quality voice notes. Something awful has just happened and I didn't know who to share it with and you were literally my first thought and my first choice.

9:19I am literally sitting outside the supermarket right now having been round a different supermarket and I really needed a poo. So I came here to Morrison's because I didn't want to poo in Aldi because, you know, Aldi toilets. I went to Morrison and I did my poo and you know when you think oh that's a good one that's a good half stone off at least and then I flushed and I looked down to check before I leave because you know I'm normal and it was there it was still there it was sticking up out the water it was waving at me it was like hi how you doing look at all the sweet corn you had for dinner oh stop oh my god so I let the system fill up and then I flushed again and it was still sitting there and Three flashes later, it is still sitting there.

10:07It is still waving at me. The only thing it's done is successfully managed to loosen the sweet corn. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm now just going to have to run for it because I've been in here far too long. And I listened, and it seemed really quiet outside. So I opened the door, and there was that fucking woman waiting, like, outside the door with her nose almost pressed against it, waiting to come in. And I went, I don't see anything. And then I just put my head down, and I ran. I ran out of the bathroom. And then I hadn't even done my shopping. I just ran outside. Now I'm sitting in the car and I'm watching the door waiting for her to leave because I didn't, didn't walk back in that supermarket until this woman has left because she has seen me full face.

10:47I am the Poe woman. And I don't know what to do. I'm about to have to live here. Emily, she goes for coffee or something to eat. I am screwed. I'm going to miss a pick-up for school. Anyway, I now cannot show my face so I will have to be anonymous and be Beryl. I love you girls thank you need to choose a different supermarket babes God bless you and your sweet corn poo

11:12Anna Williamson:right from Beryl to Blue please call me Blue I'm getting married next year and I'm really struggling with the family dilemma that's eating me up inside I was raised by my mum who was a single parent she's my absolute rock the one who's always been there for me and she'll be the one walking me down the aisle growing up though my younger sister's dad was also in my life to me as a child he was my dad too. I called him dad and he was present in certain moments of my life. The problem is that behind all of that his relationship with my mum was toxic and abusive. As a kid I knew things weren't right.

11:44Anna Williamson:We went through a whole court process that lasted two years and I didn't understand the full extent of what she went through until later. Knowing that now I feel torn. On one hand he was a father figure to me and I shared happy memories with him. On the other his presence would be deeply uncomfortable for my mum who suffered so much because of him and this would bother me. My mum was devastated when I mentioned he might be at the wedding. She cried because she thought I wouldn't want him there at all given everything he put her through. I love her so much and I want the day to be joyful and safe for her.

12:14Anna Williamson:At the same time I can't ignore that he did play a role in my life and complicating things further he's also helped with some of the costs towards the wedding. That makes me feel guilty like I'd be being unfair if I didn't invite him to everything. Right now I'm leaning towards having him at the evening celebration but not the ceremony itself because I don't want to put my mum through that but then I feel like that would be unfair and I feel I couldn't bring myself to not invite and I keep questioning whether that's cruel after helping me out in the times I've needed him I wish I could hate him and I do in regard to my mum but not the way I feel I should I feel stuck between loyalty to my mum who I adore and to the man as I saw as my dad despite all the harm he caused her outsiders who don't know the full story probably wouldn't understand why this is such a big deal but it is weighing heavily on me what should i do oh that's so hard isn't it it is i think my question is i don't know if she answered this is like her dad everyone's aware of what went on right so the the dad let's call him the dad yeah yeah the dad is aware that she knows of what he put her mom through like i'm assuming that's all a thing that's out in the open so i think it's really hard when parents go through this um sorry when kids go through this with parents because ultimately that's their relationship and your relationship with your parents is different is your own one i would actually i was i think you need to talk to him like your mum's made it very clear how she feels the problem is though is that you took money off him for the wedding which is which do you know i mean you probably shouldn't have done if you didn't want him there well it's very calm but then but then maybe he's okay with that you know if he recognizes it i think my my honest opinion on this what i would do it's very difficult because it's not me and my emotions i think i think i would say to him look i'm feeling real i think put the problem on him almost I'm feeling really torn I really want you at my wedding but look I can't ignore the fact that you know mum is really important to me and obviously the history you have with her is really toxic it doesn't affect me in a way but I'm really struggling to know how to prioritize this and I think the the saying to him look I have to find a compromise here yeah and I really appreciate the money you've put into the wedding I would love you to be at the whole day it doesn't feel right because of mum's feelings so would you be comfortable with just coming to the evening because I feel that's the only solution here.

14:23Yeah, just an honest, open, frank conversation. Sometimes you do just have to have these difficult conversations and break that sort of barrier that you feel. It's so hard to actually vocalise and get those words out. But I do think that's the only way to go.

14:39Anna Williamson:I think so, because if you don't, you're only now going to feel awful on your wedding day and you're going to be worrying about your mum. You're going to be there worrying about too many people's feelings, which is a lovely quality, but it really isn't serving you. I think the conversation needs to be with him. Confront the elephant. Say it is what it is. I need to find a compromise. This is where we are with it. Please let us know how you get on because we do like an update. We do. And we rarely get updates. And we low-light them, yeah. We've now got a voice note right from Anonymous. So Wilma Fingerdo.

15:08That is a really good one. Geez, Jackie.

15:10Anna Williamson:GPT for this. No, that one I actually came up with myself. I mean, you're so good. Wilma Fingerdo. Wilma Fingerdo. Hi girls this may or may not be a universal rant but those who get public transport to and from work I've just finished a 12 hour shift as a unitherapy nurse and all I want after a day is being overstimulated concentrated and giving everything is some peace and quiet. Yeah. Yeah. Even over my noise-cancelling earphones, I can hear people talking on the fucking floor on a loudspeaker. Do they not understand that nobody else wants to hear their voice or their conversation? Isn't the band now?

16:08And they can just fucking save it for when they get off the bus. I think it's the height of rudeness and disrespect. And I also think this, when people listen to videos from TikTok and Instagram and social media out loud on the bus, it is a sin and I cannot tolerate it any longer. I hope I've made myself clear. You have. And I'll see you. Bye. It is the biggest pet hate. So fucking annoying. It's just rude. It is. But also, like, why do we need to hear both sides of the conversation? Don't want to hear it. Right. Petty Polly next on and on. So Soroya Sis. Soroya Sis. Soroya Sis. Soroya Sis. Hello, ladies.

17:00I have a Petty Polly for you. In our house, my partner does the washing up as I do all the cooking. Fair? Fair. This is like mine too. It is. This works fine other than he never dries up. He just leaves them on the draining board. Not good. which if it's just a couple of things I get but he's stacking them this then means every time I come to cook I then have to put all the pots away before getting started this just infuriates me so as my revenge when putting those pots away I put any favourites or regulars of his like his mug for his cups of tea his water bottles for running and so on in the cupboards in the most awkward places and sometimes with a bit of water in so when he's looking to make his cup of tea first thing in the morning and getting frustrated trying to find his mug, I smile to myself.

17:45And then when I hear, ew, it's still wet, I politely call back, oh, sorry, darling. Must not have noticed when putting all the pots back quickly so I could get on with cooking your dinner. I know it's small, but the satisfaction is huge. Please, Emma, give me a wonderful poor name of your choosing. I love what you do. Thanks for keeping me going in some very dark days over the recent years. your podcast was the reason I felt I could make myself get out of the house as it felt like you were there with me keeping me putting one step in front of the other bless your heart, thank you

18:19Anna Williamson:also just on that, we really appreciate when people say that, like honestly so many of you do and really it means a lot to us. It's a big ego boost guys thank you. Well it is because we still don't bloody know what we do, alright but thanks Right, confession time, I've never told anyone this but, first up I've never told anyone this but when I was younger Bebo oh yeah Bebo Bebo oh yes blast in the past Bebo was the social media of choice and me and my best mate used to create fake accounts of fit boys using photos we'd found on the internet to essentially catfish girls in our year I mean girls this is highly illegal this is like it is called what's it called catfish yeah chatting to them they'd really open up to us thinking back it was so mean to lie in that way it's also highly illegal now.

19:09Anna Williamson:We kept up these chats with these girls for ages. Then we'd just disappear when we forgot one day or got bored as we'd see them really upset in school. It's one of those things I'm deeply ashamed of now and I would never admit. So fast. That's so bad. We like that confession. That's a take to the grave. She feels cleansed now she's said that. She's free of it. Hey girls, I can't believe I'm sharing this one, but here we go. Nothing to lose but keep me a nom. I have a recurring sex dream about my step uncle. We're not related, okay? He came into my life when I was about 17 and I remember thinking, since then I've always had a thing for him and even now, 10 years later, I have this recurring sex dream where he comes around for Sunday dinner and fucks me secretly in the kitchen whilst everyone else in the dining room eating.

19:56It's so hot. When he does come around for Sunday dinner, I get a bit flustered because of it. I love the confessions that end this part of the podcast. I got a bit of a minge twinge there. Anna's got a mingle twingle going on. Well, look, Corka, cracking confessions to end that on. They're not related. That is it for this week's Luanna, totally extra. We will be back with your usual bumper dose of Luanna on Monday. But for now, goodbye and happy Halloween.

20:24Anna Williamson:But for that, we have to give the call to action, Lu, because it's their extra episode. So just in case you are new and you need to know how to get in touch with us. Imogen you are the gatekeeper of the socials just get on with it write Luanna at everything Luanna.com the whatsapp number Imogen is 077 45 26 947 so get all of your guff in to us keep us a follow give us a subscribe and all that jazz and we'll see you next week bye love you bye