TOTALLY EXTRA: Pride Revenge, Birth Gunk Bins & A Hotel Room Poo Disaster

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know, you love it. Oh, someone else's insides rotting. I had to have surgery, a cast from ankle to hip and a Zimmer frame. At ten? I'm going to the dump later, babe. Oh! Oh, oh, wank on that. American toilets are not poo friendly. Bobadon Beach.

0:43Good morning, good morning. Welcome. It is Thursday. This is Luana, totally extra. It is. We are here. We are delivering. We are loving. We're loving each other. A lot, actually. Always. It is, of course, extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions, extra stories, extra you. Now, before you do anything else, anything else at all, please follow us right now on your favourite podcast platform, please. And give us a little subby, a little subscribe on YouTube. Isn't that right, Imogen? Yes, we love a little subby wub. A little subby wubs. Subscribe now. Right, shall we muff hunt in? Let's. Right, we have got a voice note first from and on.

1:27so classic name fanny flappers standard hi luanna animo i am voice noting in to give you a funny story of something that's just happened to me so i don't know what it is about needing the toilet when you go into a supermarket but i just felt my tummy go when i was in the little queue and um i thought i can make it home i only live around the corner so i jumped in the car anyway as i'm getting out the car back at home i thought oh no here we go so i grabbed everything run to get into the flat opened the communal door and thought oh I don't know if I'm going to make it got to my front door as soon as my front door opened yeah I thought oh shit better get to the toilet so I run down my hallway dived into my bathroom throwing off my jumper and my coat and everything as I'm coming in sat down on the toilet pulled my breeches down and I've shit myself so sat down on the toilet and gone oh finally heavens have opened Anyway, my cat's come running in and he likes to rub himself up against my legs while I'm on the toilet.

2:32The problem is my legs are covered in shit. My cat has then got shit on his tail. I've shrieked to help tell him to get away from me. He's run away, covered in my poo. I then had to tempt him to come back and then grab him. And in the process, he's then wiped my shit up the door. So I have taken a poo on my cat. So I've just taken a very, very long hot shower and given my cat a bath, which he didn't like. Necessary, though. So that's how my Wednesday is going. My name is Fanny Flappers, and I'm a 32-year-old woman from the New Forest. Who's just shat on her cat. I have shat on my cat. On the mat.

3:27It's like a kid's story. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah, level one, Oxford English. Level, yeah. We've got a message now from a non, so Lorna Mower. Good name. Listening to the episode from the 23rd of March and hearing Imo's fireman pole story. Oh, yeah. Bless you. Has brought back some childhood playground trauma. When I was around 10, I was at the park and decided to go down the fireman's pole. Don't think I'd ever done it before. Had no clue about the right form, etc. So I slid down and somehow left one of my legs on the podium while the rest of my body twisted down the pole. And I ended up breaking my kneecap.

4:15Oh, fuck. I had to have surgery, a cast from ankle to hip, and a Zimmer frame. Ten? to help me walk for months. I was too small for crutches. They felt extremely uncool, hobbling around like a tiny granny. Oh, bless you. I did get to go into school in a wheelchair so everyone could sign my cast there, and I did love the attention. I got a big scar still at 28, but I quite like it. I think it makes me look quite cool. I'm just thinking now, like, as you say, leg, oh, my gosh. I'm surprised she didn't break her hips. She just did that. Damn. Damn, girl. Voice note rant for Michelle. Ladies, I have a rant for you.

5:04Loving the show. Thank you. Quite a new listener, but trying to catch up on all the back ones. Thank you. You're just fabulous. You crack me up and keep me going throughout the day. So my rant is my 12-year-old daughter. I'm currently standing in the garden hanging out her washing yet again. I've got a pair of jeans here that she's worn twice twice they're not dirty that they don't even smell they look just as fresh as the day that she put them on but because she can't be bothered to put them away they've gone in the wash basket I've got a cardigan that she pulled out of the ironing pile the other day which had literally just gone in there that's why it hadn't been ironed that she wore creased and that is straight back in the wash basket and funnily enough back on my line today I'm constantly having arguments with her over how often things get worn as to when they need to be put in the wash basket um louisa you'll get this one so well hopefully uh she um rides uh ponies um so she does a half an hour lesson she has hardly sweated whatsoever um she's been on the pony off the pony done nothing else at the stables and all of her gear apparently has to be washed every week come on surely it just needs to be washed every two weeks if it's smelly and sweaty and the horse has been a bit ranky absolutely but oh my god ladies i'm literally jumping up and down in my garden i have had enough so how often do you wash your kids clothes they just can't be bothered to put them away half the time so the easy route is to put them in the wash basket have a great day take care thank you for listening bye bye michelle what you need to do michelle needs to make her do her own washing it's like a choice you either smell it fold it up and put it away or put it on the chair for like mid-wash or teach at 12 years old to use the washing machine.

6:52I think that will help solve this issue. Towels as well is one for me. Like the kids, they use a towel once and they put it in the washing basket. I take it out of the washing basket and hang it back up because I feel like, well, you've come out the shower and you're clean and then you just use a clean towel and then that towel dryer doesn't need to be changed every time. Oh, no. Who changes their towels every time? Oh, my God. My kids' towels go for probably weeks, actually, without being, well, maybe a week. But they have a bath every night. Yeah. But they're clean when they come out. So they only have a quick towel dry.

7:24And my jeans, I don't like washing my jeans. And until that crotch smells like cabbage, they're not getting washed. Actually, you're so right. You have to do the sniff test. Mine's that yeasty, potato-y smell. The starchy, yeah. Yeah, that's when you know it. Starchy potato, cabbage-y smell. You have to pop in for a little wash. Michelle, put your foot down. Make her do her own washing. That'll stop it. Yeah. But I'd hear you. My kids do the same. They lob it in the washing basket and I'm like, get it out. It's laziness. Right. Misheard lyrics from anonymous. So Donna, Donna, I've been listening to all the misheard lyrics on the pod and I couldn't not send this in.

8:04My brother is six years younger than me and I walk into the kitchen one day to hear him loudly singing Madonna's Papa Don't Preach. Papa Don't Preach. Oh, wow. But he's singing it as Papa Dom Beach. Still cracks me up now once you hear it. You can't unhear it. Papa Dom Beach. Love it. I saw an old Peter Kay clip the other day. And Peter Kay was talking about, do you remember the Duffy song? I'm begging you for mercy. And he's like, and the clip is, he's always thought it was bird seed. I'm begging you for bird seed. And it just really made me laugh. We've got a voice note round and a petty polly from Libby Next.

8:46Hi, Lou Animo and B-Dog. I've just got a little rant for you and I basically just want you to back this up. I'm a hairdresser and recently, it's happened a couple of times, and it's just, I don't know if maybe I've not noticed it before or if people are just getting worse, but I will say good morning to my clients. I'll take them from reception, I'll sit them down in the chair to talk about their hair because I'm a hairdresser and they've walked in for a haircut, they've booked an appointment for a haircut, that's what they want from me. and before I can say anything, ask anything about their hair, they will go, oh, could I get a coffee, please?

9:25Oh, I'd love a cappuccino. And I'm like, yeah, I will offer you a drink, but you've not come into a coffee shop. You've come in for me to do your hair. I will offer you a drink when there is an appropriate time for you to have a drink, you know, and I'm not going to get you a drink before I've shampooed you or anything else, and it's just winding me up. And I just think, I just want your opinion on why is someone coming in to a hair salon and treating it like a fucking coffee shop? I'm at my wits end with it. It happens all the time. I go to take someone's coat and they go, oh, could I have a coffee?

10:02And I think, hang on, love, you're five minutes late for your appointment. I'm getting you shampooed and we're going to start doing your hair now. Anyway, I just, it really rubbed me up the wrong way. It happened multiple times in one day and I just thought, fuck this. I'm going to start working at a coffee shop instead. but love you girls love the pod um any of my clients that listen to this are my favorite clients and i love them so my name's libby and i'm from chelten do you know what it is libby it's i i think i've probably been guilty of this actually um it's because if anyone's like me like you exactly you treat it as in your diary as such a holy grail and so yeah the minute you get in i'm oh get a cuppa get a cuppa but noted also sorry quick follow-up I know you don't like a long voice note but my petty poly on top of that is that when I do get them a drink I don't let them drink it just every time they reach for it I say oh sorry just a minute um or I cut their hair into it when they're drinking it I don't give them a heads up and I just let their hair fall into their drink and we all have to go oh at least it's clean and it's yours and then let them pick it out because if they wanted a coffee that badly they could have come here earlier they could have sat and had a coffee or they could have got coffee on their way in or at home i don't care um but mostly i love it when people enjoy their coffee and have a lovely time but not if they've been rude straight off the bat fair fair well i really hope that dawn who does my hair does not listen to this and cuts my hair into my coffee.

11:37Because I do do that. I'm like, Dawn, stick the kettle on, love. I'm gasping. Poor old Dawn. Poor old Dawn. I always eat the lotus biscuits. Oh, the lotus biscuits. Oh, that's so good, aren't they? I do do. I'm going to be more mindful. Hey, man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah. I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night just got tense Two bros on different sides of the fence Burgers or pasta tonight Why can't we have food without the fact? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery So no one has to settle Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order Terms apply.

12:22See wonder.com slash new customer Right, we've got a pez pulling from a non So, test, tickle

12:32I can tell by Imo's reaction she didn't choose that name and she's gutted about it she is pretty upset she wanted to laugh but she didn't fully laugh because it wasn't her idea we know her I know you so well so it's Hilo Animo Bex might as well do Alex too whilst I'm at it you did forget Agent Sam I have a petty poly for you My ex-husband defaced a poster in my local town for a Pride event. He then uploaded it to social media and wrote, That's better. Where's the straight day? Bloody joke of a country. Stop putting this crap in front of innocent kids. Stop it. Ex-husband. Yeah, there's an ex for a reason.

13:17As you can imagine, this infuriated me. I am blocked from seeing his posts. A friend had sent it to me, so he had no idea I'd seen it. I decided he needed to talk a lesson. So immediately I signed him up to every pride-related website email list I could find. Classic. So good. Using his work email and also phone number as those are quite public. Funnily enough, he took his post down a couple of days later. I only wish I could have seen his face when he started receiving his new emails. Not sure if this is legal. So best keep me a non. Love the pod and all that jazz. Call me Tess Tickle if you haven't used that one already.

13:54Well, Tess, I salute you. Very, very good petty comeback. What a little knob. Right, an anti-rant slash little joys voice note from Demi, it says. Good evening, the lovely Luanamo and Bex. I am an OG listener. I have been listening since the days of the pod that we shall not name. My name is Demi. I'm from West Sussex. I am listening to your recent episode of Totally Extra. and um the bit where the lady messaged in to say about the anti-rant thing um about like praising people for these little niche things that they do and hers was when someone um eats something from their supermarket shop on the way home yeah mine is very similar to that and mine is when you see someone turn up at like mcdonald's for example any fast food chain or takeaway will do but that type of thing and you see the person get into their car and what they've done is they've bought a cheeky little side to eat on the way oh yeah a chaser you know like a little pack of mozzarella sticks to chow down on on the way home a little pack of four chicken nuggets cheeseburger chaser they get home to their other half oh and then you know you get home and your husband goes oh you've only gone for a double cheeseburger and you go yeah yeah just a double cheeseburger tonight um but actually you've chowed down on a pack of four chicken nuggets on the way home that's mine thanks for your service yeah it's a great pod thanks for all you do love you bye you know it's from my when I was a kid my dad and I I mean my dad and I had dreadful dietary habits I'd like to think they have improved a little bit but we used to get you know you get like the Friday night Chinese takeaway my dad and I we always had an India yeah do you have an India we used to we used to we used to be normally Chinese but my dad and I would go Chinese we were such greedy fucks seriously obviously um and my mum was not my mum as well so we used to do this without her knowing while we were waiting for the Chinese takeaway we'd get a little chippy bag you know chippy cone and we'd sit we'd have our little chippy we'd have our little chippy before you ate a Chinese fat bastards right we'd sit and have our little chippy cone right me and my dad um and then we'd take the Chinese home oh starving for that Chinese we used to do it so my mum didn't know because she bollockers for being greedy.

16:22That is brilliant. You're a chippy chaser. Absolutely brilliant. I used to go to the Indian with my dad and we'd have the poppadoms and the dips while we were waiting. I love childhood memories. Love it. So good. Right, we've got a message from a nun now. So, Binita Wash. Binita Wash. That's definitely Emma's one that we have not reacted to because she is dying I don't know I need a wash the bin needs a wash you'll get it oh talking about bins I'm just going to make bin chat my porn I'm wanking over it that's a shame bins my bin chat popped off my village chat last night I was well excited some were reminding us about bank holiday bins and I was like I'm going to the dump later Wank on that Good old dump wank Good old bean flick Thinking of the dump Going to the tip It'll squirt over a bin Rub yourself Hi ladies, I've just started listening again And going through the backlog Well done And you're getting through my commute to and from work so as soon as I heard that Anna loved a bin story I know I had to email in and share mine and I hope this bin story makes the pod You are my people Here we go We moved into our house in August last year and as you do when you move in you give everything a good old clean As I was in the dining room my dad was in the kitchen when I heard him shout my name in horror He had opened the oven and there was a half-eaten chicken carcass So immediately I threw it in the bin all wrapped up and booked an oven clean for the following week.

18:20Yuck, but it gets worse. Anyway, where I live, the black household bin only gets emptied every two weeks. And these two weeks were partially warm and the black bin was really starting to hum. Yuck. I initially thought nothing of it as I assumed it was the chicken carcass and maybe a bit of dog shit bagged up as the owners before had two dogs. And I myself also have a dog. So when the bin collection day came round, I was so excited to finally have the bin emptied. I planned to get my marigolds on and give it a good old bleach. Please note that stupidly, the night before, I had the school mums over as my husband was away and we took it a bit too far as I was severely hungover.

18:59Nevertheless, I was determined to give the bin a good old clean. So once the bin was emptied, I brought it down the side of the house to clean, opened the bin lid and the smell knocked me for six. but I was committed now. There was still some stuff at the bottom so I added in some water and bleach to dislodge it. Well, what this stuff was that emerged was something I hadn't even thought of. I was not prepared for this. The couple we bought the house from were recently new parents and through the grapevine of people we know we had found out that the baby had been born at home in the house. Oh no.

19:37Oh no. So, at the bottom of this bin were the birthing pads she had given birth on two months prior, covered in dark markings and what I can only describe as gunk, birth gunk. Having had a child myself, I know what these pads look like and I was horrified. That's what I've been fermenting, stinking up my bin. Now, after many trips to the bathroom and tears on the driveway, the bin was fully cleaned and sparkling. thing. However, my spirit and faith in humanity was shattered. Keep me a nun. Give me a filthy name. Loads of love. It was placenta plethora. Someone else's insides rotting in your bin.

20:22The insides rank. That's so antisocial. You can get those bin cleaning companies. That is so antisocial of the people before to have left that. You'd put it in a bin bag. Exactly. Or a couple of little you know Tesco bags bagged up right that is so antisocial disgusting awful awful uh but I love the bin story uh voice note next from anonymous so Denise are bruised Denise Denise are bruised Denise are bruised very good Denise are bruised well I've just been listening to your latest episode and I never thought I would actually have a reason to message in but um when you were talking about weird and wonderful things about belly buttons I don't actually have a belly button I had a psychopath midwife who cut my belly button nubby thing off too short and I had to have my belly button sewed up so I like to use that as a fun fact about me whenever I have to do one of those bollocks meetings with corporate people so yeah I don't have a belly button anyone who knows me is going to know it's me so give me a porn name or a granny name either's good for me anyway fun fact did you give her that name i did yeah fucking brilliant that's interesting she didn't send us a picture then no picture always send pictures guys i'm intrigued you always send us a picture do you know what like before i had kids my belly button was just like a slit, like an innie slit.

21:59And now it's kind of like an outie slit. Cavernous. I've got a weird belly button. I don't really like my belly button. It's changed. Is it like an innie outie vibe? Yeah, it's like weird my belly button. Mine's a horrible one. It's like in at the bottom and out at the top. It's just like weird and it's just a slit. And it's very saggy. My skin's loose. But you're looking banging, babes. Your abs are absolutely killing it. So.

22:28Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? Ugh, I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Corvana.com. I've never told anyone this, but... Do you want to read this one, Anna? I feel like I've done a lot of reading.

23:04I'm going to read Babes then. I'll take the button. First time contributor here. I'm loving the show and everyone involved. Thank you very much, darling. We appreciate it. My husband actually introduced me to it around 12 months ago. Oh. And you ladies... And my husband... I'm loving the man fans. So many man fans. Quick side note. I was out doing an Easter egg hunt in one of the neighbouring villages around Easter. and even the Easter Bunny himself stopped and broke character to go, love the podcast. So thank you, Easter Bunny. We've got Easter Bunny left. Yeah, even the Easter Bunny. Anyway, so yeah, now join me in my weekly commute to the office in Manchester.

23:37Now this week, he'll keep me company whilst I'm sat in the garden recovering from a knee op. I'd love a cold beer right now, but these codeine are bloody strong. Anyway. Drink the beer. Have a great time. Yeah. After listening to the shitstick story on Monday's episode and the kid's ruler being used the other week, I thought I had to share my story. Now, it's actually not about me. It's my auntie, so keep me in on. So we'd arrived in New York for a family city break for my dad's 50th. After a long flight, we all checked in and refreshed before heading out to see the sights. Now, my auntie, who's always late, was taking much longer than normal.

24:08We waited in the hotel bar. A couple of drinks later, she emerged with my cousin, her daughter, with a worn-out and flustered look on her face. Unable to hold back the laughter, she proceeded to tell us about my auntie's battle with the toilet and her huge shit that would just not flush. Let me tell you, those bogs in America are very different and very shallow. I have this issue. Weird. Yes. The American toilets. American toilets are not poo friendly. Desperate to get rid of the poo and the stench, she looked around for something to push the poo down the loo. The only thing she could find was the clothes rail.

24:42The rail? The rail. I mean, we know about a hanger, but the clothes rail in the wardrobe. The whole rail? Fucking hell. Wow. How big was the turd? After much effort, the poo was finally gone. The toilet flushed and they were ready to start. How do you get the rail out? So many questions. We just slot it up, I guess. However, when they came to put the rail, clothes rail back, they noticed it was hollow. Oh, no. Like most clothes rails. Oh. It's now hollow, full of shit. Inside the length of a, like a Sunday roast chicken stuffed, but with shit. inside the length of the rail was my auntie's shit.

25:19They tried to rinse it away but didn't have much success. They decided to pop the rail back like nothing had happened and clip out of their suitcases for the rest of the week. I'm sorry to say that the clothes rail is still in no doubt, still in situ. And the next poor person to use that room was unknowingly hanging their clothes in the shit rail. I hope their clothes didn't stop. Oh my God. This is so bad. You should have just thrown the rail away. Thanks for reading this. It's still something we laugh about 13 years later. Keep being you, girlies. The show is fabulous. Oh, thank you. They should have boiled the kettle and melted it.

25:54Yeah, put it in the shower and given it a whack. I got a hanger. Wow. Oh, wow. That's wild. That's wild. Right, next confession. Hi, Luanna and Imo. I love the pod. I've listened for around a year now. I binge from the start and you get me through my long drives on visits as a social worker. You get me through those difficult days and when I'm stuck in traffic. I've been thinking of writing in for a while, but as I'm always listening when I'm driving, I always forget. I suppose this is a bit of a confession slash a what would Luanna do? In 2024, enjoying a girl's holiday with my best friend, sipping cocktails, sunbathing and relaxing was all good.

26:29Until one night, we decided to go out for a few drinks to the same bar we'd been in already a few times that week. It was good vibes, good music, good drinks. The toilets were a little chubby as they normally are in the best drinking establishments. After a few pina coladas and feeling merry from shots of baby Guinness, I started to feel a gurgle in my stomach and thought, oh no, not to worry. Dodgy holiday bellies are annoying, but I can swiftly nip to the loo, do my business and come back to the party. I quickly made a dash to the toilet and felt instant relief as I sat down, but it felt like my insides were coming out, not ideal and a bit messy.

27:05I went to get some toilet roll but there wasn't any. I panicked. I looked around the cubicle and there was nothing to be seen. There was also only two cubicles and the toilets were very busy. I had no idea what to do. I looked around and before I could even think I reached into the waste bin. Oh no, I just can't. I just couldn't. I grabbed some of the used tissue from there. As you know, in many countries you're not allowed to flush toilet roll down the loose of the bin that was full of pissy used toilet roll. Oh no, no, no. I just couldn't do this. I'd rather have a skiddy arse for life, actually.

27:47So I used someone else's pissy used toilet roll to wipe my arse. It wasn't my finest moment and I did spend the next few days worrying I'd catch the disease. Please keep me known and call me Dixie Normus. You can have that name, but don't think that's letting you get away with this act of absolute perversion that is that's rank oh just imagine who just imagine who did that that's bad I mean nothing to say I mean I I just feel for me that's that's the weird I mean the shit stick was a I've got a confession actually this has just triggered a memory go on then I was in Chelmsford right the other week with Dixie and I had to go to the bank and there was a gurgle in my stomach and then I literally sharted there at the counter and I had to finish off like talking to the guy and then I ran out I said Dixie quick I need to go to the toilet and I dashed into the closest toilet and literally it was like bad like water.

28:44What am I coming out of me? Anyway it was a it was a disabled loo. Oh no. So there was like a sink in the toilet anyway there was no toilet paper so I had to get my hand in the sink get water and wipe my I'm washing my ass with my it was really bad and it scarred me and then I right washed my hands like 10 times after but it still made me feel like I had a shitty hand for the rest of the day I mean this is a safe space to confess so we we we appreciate that and we will take take that confession with love it was really damn i made dixie just leave leave the drink she'd ordered as i ran out i can only imagine her face in chelms as well she's hilarious dixie and it wasn't the nicest toilet in black sheep bad it was bad it was really bad so yeah that's my thank you for your confession shitty confessions this week yes um are these confessions oh yeah they're confessions aren't they i thought they are weirdos are not um thank you nothing to add well that's it that's it for this week's luana totally extra we'll be back with your usual dose of luana on monday don't forget you can write into us luana at everythingluana.com um you can also drop us on whatsapp on 075 215 215 64640 also guys don't forget please to follow us to subscribe also if there's a part of a funny story that you've heard or an episode of Luana, maybe it's this episode, please share it with a friend.

30:17Make them laugh. Maybe some advice we've given. Share that episode. That is how everybody gets into the Luana gang. Have a great week. End. And we'll see you next week. Bye for now. This has been a Global Player original production. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long.

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