TOTALLY EXTRA: Relationship Hacks, Breastfeeding a Friend's Baby & Traffic Light Havoc

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Good morning, good morning. Hi everybody. Welcome. It's Thursday. It is Luana, totally extra. I am Anna, that is Lu. We are Luana. We have obviously producer Imo here. How are you, Imsi? Yeah, very well. Good. Analytical Al is in the corner telling me that my flies are open. Anna has left her flies undone. Successfully defecated my toilet and now whiffing us with her noon smell. It's clean actually. I've actually showered and everything with my nails yarn this morning.

0:45Are you enjoying having showers now that you're in the rental or do you miss a bath? I have a bath too then. No, but what do you have? Now you've got the choice. I do a morning shower and an evening bath. I hate baths. Oh, I love a bath.

0:59Anna Williamson:Anyway, let's see what Holly's saying. Yeah, let's do it. Hi, Luanimo. Long time listener, but first time emailing in. Welcome. Just finished Monday's ep about billing your other half for chores. Oh, yes. This is a good one. Imo is on this with her wife, Imo. I have been with my partner for five years and living together for three. He has a habit of having a floor drobe. Yes. A floor drobe. Yes, it's a floor drobe. This is why I do my scoop and chuck. which drives me absolutely insane as I'm a bit of a neat freak. But recently I have started to say that I would put it all away for£5 each time.

1:33Anna Williamson:She's undercharging. Yeah, she is. And he accepts every time. This goes towards my monthly book spendage which keeps me happy and him happy that I'm not nagging him. The other week, see we're saving marriages here guys. The other week I thought let's see how much I can get for cleaning my whole entire house. And he paid me£40. Result. Result. Can I just say though, a cleaner would probably get paid more so you should charge the going rate. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I pay my cleaner way more. Like, way more. And that also saves marriages. I will be continuing this as I have a book series I have my eye on.

2:07Anna Williamson:Brilliant. It works for her, so I love this. We hardly argue or bicker, and I'm happy getting money for my books, and he's happy I'm not in his case. This is it. Whatever works for you guys. Keep doing what you're doing. No need to keep me numb. I'm Holly from Wakefield. Well, I love this because we put that idea out there, and Holly, I want to hear, Have any other Lufanians done this? This is it, currency. Right, this we put out there a little while ago. We're gagging for it. And these are your best relationships hacks. So we've chosen a few. Someone says, fart all the time and tell him that you love them.

2:40Oh, Rachel from East Sussex.

2:43Anna Williamson:I mean, that clearly works for her. Interesting one. Count to 10 in the toilet when they piss you off. That's a really good one. I do that or then like middle finger the door and then you like feel better. This is so good. We have an invisible maid. Giles, when one of us hasn't done something, we blame him for it. Brilliant. Fucking Giles. Occasional threesomes and couple swaps to keep the sexual spark. We're very sex positive, Luana. Another one says, what do you need from me? Sympathy or solution? Great for when husband gets overwhelmed. It is very good. Sympathy or solution? It's true, yeah.

3:20I don't do sympathy that well. Always have the ability to give your partner the ick. A little bit of eel comedy saves the soul. I agree with this because Andrew moans about my fart. I think secretly he loves them because it does make him laugh. Makes him laugh. In bed at night, he's covering his nose with the sheets.

3:36Anna Williamson:I think secretly it's your thing. I think he has a fart kink. Well, I said to him, I was like, you know, what if I said to you that my fantasy was for you to really put your nose in my bum hole as I farted? Did you actually say that to him? What did he say? Oh, Fox. Hello, he didn't swear. Oh, Louisa. What would you do? Like, if I really, really wanted that? He was just laughing, going, absolutely not. Been with my husband since I was 19. I'm 47 now. We have a separate social circle. Socialise separately. Everybody needs their independence. If you were wrong, say sorry. This lady says, hard I know, but it works wonders.

4:15Anna Williamson:The man in your life should always be about 23%. 23%. terrified of you not bad separate duvets that's good for if you have an annoying sleep partner it's us against the problem not each other that's a good one so we don't bad mouth each other to our friends or family so many people do this I find that I don't ever bad mouth Andrew to my friends or family no no it's true I agree actually there's got to be something sacred ignore him and hope he goes away another good strategy if you're not happy leave yes life's too short you'll find happiness for someone else 100 % there You'll find it with yourself Babes Someone's just put Don't be in one I mean there it is Summed it up There's a solution Summed it up Well done We've got a voice note rant now From Anonymous So we've called you Ellie El ween me bum El Ow Ow me in your bum Allow me in your bum Oh El Allow me in your bum Yeah You're welcome Brilliant Yeah It takes some explaining Yeah Hello, Luanimo and Bex.

5:21Anna Williamson:So I'm trying to do my very best at doing a straight into the fern, as Imo just said, so I don't mess it up. But here is my rant of the week. I live in North Devon and Anna knows it very well. And as the cruise flies, it's about 20 miles from Swansea. But why can't these companies get it round their head that 20 miles, as the growth lies, would actually take about three and a half hours for me to get to Swansea? So if I want to buy a car from AutoTrader, all these fabulous cars in Swansea. If I want to get a man on Hinge, all these fabulous men in Swansea, three and a half hours away. why can't these companies look and see actually how long it takes you to get somewhere rather than just do as the crow flies.

6:13Anna Williamson:And while we're on the subject of Welsh, you've just done an advert in Devon in complete Welsh. I can't understand that. And now I want to know what it says. Okay, bye. I've got a solution for her. Go on. Learn Welsh. By a helicopter. Oh, there you go. Yeah, done. Easy. We've got a message from a non now. Also, Chris Peacock. Chris Peacock. Chris Peacock. Chris Peacock.

6:45That took some explaining for me. Chris Peacock. Sit tight is a long one, but I'd like to share the most embarrassing moment, possibly, of human existence. Strong claim. Massive gag warning. And also, give me the name of Chris Peacock. Chris Peacock. My husband and I have been together 15 years. were both nurses and met in training. Very cute, but you will see it will make the whole situation that much more embarrassing. A few years ago, my husband's beloved adopted mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and unfortunately was eventually admitted to hospital as there was nothing more they could do treatment wise.

7:21She was made end of life and placed in a side room and we were all told that the end was near. My husband is an only child and the only other living relative to his mum was her elderly sister who was a very uptight woman. So there we were sat around her bedside watching her slowly decline all very morbid very traumatic when I noticed a small amount of dribble from her mouth. Being the attentive nurse and daughter-in-law I jumped up got a tissue and proceeded to lean over her to mop it up. Well I hadn't anticipated that she was angled away from me and I would have to fully lean over her to get to her mouth.

8:00In that moment she let out a large sigh.

8:07In that moment, she let out a large sigh and there it was. It's not funny. I got a full breath of literal death breath in my face. I froze. I had never smelled anything. What the hell? It's like death. She's dying inside. That's an actual death breath coming out. That's an actual death breath. I have never smelled anything like it. Oh, no. Although I pride myself on having a strong stomach. God, that bad, eh? Let's just say it failed me. Oh, no. I immediately felt myself start to vomit in my mouth. The overwhelming panic I felt when I couldn't stop it. It still makes my heart race now.

8:57Anna Williamson:Can you imagine her leaning over, like, accidentally compressing her a bit? So it's like... Jesus. There was nothing else I could do than turn around and vomit in the corner of the room. Stop it. In the corner of the room. She put in the room. I had eaten scrambled egg from the hospital canteen that morning. I then, in my flustered state, took off my jumper and proceeded to try... To try...

9:30Oh no, she's gone. Shall I carry on? Oh, she's going to be sick. Let's try and mop it up. Well, my husband was not trying to wet himself laughing. Eventually, she's a nurse too. Oh, she's a... She's used to this shit. Literally. Eventually, he took pity on me and went to get the nurse to clean it up while the sister sat there with the most disturbed look on her face. My mother-in-law passed away peacefully the next day. My husband still likes to tell me I have death breath before I brush my teeth in the morning and finds it most amusing. He even threatens to put it in the eulogy. In summary, I can confirm death breath is a real thing and I have never eaten scrambled eggs again.

10:16Vile. Voice note from Amy.

10:22Anna Williamson:hi guys i have got a kids say the funniest thing story from today but i am actually a musical theater teacher to children so i have 20 years of kids say the funniest thing stories as well um and kids do tell their teachers absolutely everything that happens at home um so there's absolutely no secrets we know what happens at home we know about the arguments we know about nakedness we know about everything because kids literally will tell everything they have no filter today we were sat in a circle having a little break time with the little five and six year olds and one of the other teachers walked out of the room for a second one of the kids didn't noticed that he'd been he'd he'd left and then turned around and went where's mr adam gone another kid said oh he's left and then another child went yeah he left just like my dad now obviously it was shocking in the moment i had no idea that this child's father had departed but um it was hilarious the way that it was so right in the terminology of the sentence but then the kid went on to say you know that when dads go out to get milk they never come back now obviously whatever's going at home with this child is very traumatising potentially but I couldn't help but find it absolutely hilarious that she was so matter of fact with this statement turns out the kid's dad hasn't left he hasn't gone anywhere he's still at home with the mum they live a very happy life and they're very happy and the family is absolutely fine so God knows where this kid has got this from but I thought that you would enjoy that.

12:10Anna Williamson:My name's Amy. I'm from Milton Keynes. Love you, slags. Big up the MK Matthews. This reminds me of the time that Enzo a few years ago told his school, our school, that we go to a food bank. Oh, I remember that. And we don't, by the way. By the way, nothing wrong with food banks. They're fucking brilliant. But we don't need one, thankfully. But it was only because we hadn't got the right fucking flavour of Belvita that he liked, the middle class kid that he is. Belvita. And so he'd gone to school with no food. Well, he had actually eaten, but when the teacher said, have you not had breakfast? They asked him the second day, because obviously they pick up on a little answer.

12:43Anna Williamson:Did you have breakfast today? You know, second day. No. Anyway, when we don't have any food in our house, we go to one of those places, you know, where you get free food. Absolute lie. I love that kid. And then we get a phone call, very lovely from the school, with concerns, saying, you know, we have provisions in place for families. And I said, which is amazing, but we thankfully aren't one of those families. My kid's just a fucking liar. My kid's just an arsehole. We're not starving. My kid's just a dick. Exactly. I said save that for the families that need it, please. Carrying on on this theme, we've got another kid say the funniest thing, so I'm a non, so we've called you testicle.

13:14Ha! I got that one straight away.

13:17Anna Williamson:Morning, Lou Animo. Please keep me a non, and this isn't actually my story to tell, but it has to be shared. One of the... Sharing's caring. One of my mates has two kids that are five and two, so him and his missus scheduling their time for adult activities on a biweekly basis. Schedule it in. On this occasion, they'd done the deed and fallen asleep to be woken by their children. the next morning asking to go and have breakfast. They both said, yeah, not yet. We'll be down in a minute. After a short while, the children returned and asked if they could have a pepperami for breakfast, which my mate responded, no, you're not having a pepperami for breakfast.

13:48Anna Williamson:Why on earth do you want that for breakfast? His five-year-old boy then responded, well, how come I'm not allowed one?

13:56Anna Williamson:You've had one for breakfast. The wrapper is there. And subsequently pointed at the condom that they had used. I clearly thought this was the clear wrapper that the pepperonis came in. I couldn't stop laughing when he told me this. I thought I had to share it with the Noana girls. Keep the pod going. Keep making us laugh and feeling normal from Kent. Oh, brilliant. That's so good. We've got a voice note rant next from Ali. Hi, Loanamo. Absolutely love the pod and all that jazz. Just have to give you a bit of a rant and it's regarding vintage. I'm sure you must get tons of rants. I know you get tons of rants about vintage, but this little thing in particular really, really, really gets on my tits.

14:42Anna Williamson:Go on. I've been using that a lot recently. Oh, you think that? It's when you send something to somebody because they've purchased it and you take the time to package it up, take it to the locker, do the thing, send it off and they don't bother fucking turning up to collect it from their locker because they're so tight. They can't be asked or they don't want to spend the extra 50 fucking P, whatever it is, to get it delivered to their house. They choose to get it delivered to a locker or a local shop or some bollocks because they want to save that money. But then they just don't turn up and collect it.

15:16Anna Williamson:So the item comes back to the cellar and it really fucks me off because it's just a complete waste of my time. That's happened to me twice now in quick succession and I'm like, why the fuck are you bothering to buy things on Vinted? if you're not going to then go and collect it, like, or just spend the 50p extra and get it delivered to your house and then you don't have to go anywhere to get it. It just comes to your house. Someone will knock on your door and it will be there waiting for you. Like, why are people such morons? And what makes it worse is when people don't even bother to let you know that they haven't collected it and you just get this ping from Vintage saying, your buyer hasn't collected your item and is on his way back to you.

15:57Oh, that is annoying. It gives me rage. I feel a lot better now I've got that off my chest thank you very much

16:04Anna Williamson:I'm Ali from Buckinghamshire Ellsbury specifically I don't know if that's relevant if you want to say that or not but anyway, love you guys bye

16:15Anna Williamson:follow up to my previous rant about Vinted I take it back because I've actually just been paid for the thing that got returned and I didn't realise you automatically got paid for the thing that they didn't pick up so they've obviously had to then pay for that which is also stupid. Why would you pay for something and not pick it up? But anyway. Well, there you go. It's a complete waste of time because I got my money back. So just thought I'd add that little caveat there. Okay, thanks, love you, bye. Well, that's good. She got compensated for her waste of time. And her thing back, so perfect. We both didn't know which one of us is going to read this message from Dan.

16:55No, you pick up the phone. You pick up. No, you pick up. No, you. Right, Dan says, Hi, Luanamo. I'm the man, Fannion, who sent in the story about my partner's mum. Oh, this was a good one. And the crappuccino on the cruise ship. I wanted to reach out to say a heartfelt thank you, not only for reading the story, but for the joy, laughter and lightness you brought with it. Oh, no. Oh, no. Two days after I sent it in, my partner's mum passed away suddenly. Crappuccino is crappuccinoed. It's very sad. Yeah. Too soon for that joke. Yeah.

17:35Anna Williamson:You morbid fuck. Oh no, it's not funny. I'm sorry sometimes. We can find the funny in death. It's been a very difficult few weeks for him. But I have to say, the story went online. It was brilliant. And it was such a good one. And it was so well received. Yeah, it was brilliant. So she left a legacy. She did. He's lost his mum, but also his best friend. His biggest supporter. the person he spoke to more than once a day and her absence has left a huge void in his life watching him oh navigate this grief has been heartbreaking i've tried to be strong for him but truthfully it's been hard for me too supporting someone through grief and trauma has been one of the hardest things i've ever done while also coping with my own sense of loss for someone who did feel like a second mum to me sorry she was warm funny caring and selfless always unapologetically herself, the kind of person who could make you laugh even at her own expense.

18:27Being unable to flush a poo on the cruise ship was just one of many moments. And honestly, you could do a whole segment on her misdemeanors. When I heard this story on the podcast for the first time, I was on my usual drive to work. For a second, I didn't even realise it was my story. And then it hit me. I started laughing. But at the same time, this wave of emotion came over me. it caught me completely off guard and I ended up turning it off straight away because I knew my partner had to hear it too and I wanted him to hear it at the right moment I wasn't sure whether to tell him I didn't want to upset him or make things harder but something in me felt that maybe it would bring comfort so when I got home I told him you'd read it and we sat down together to listen and we laughed we really oh truly laughed we laughed at the story the chaos the way you both told it and how you perfectly captured her humour and personality for a short while the grief lifted and it reminded us both of who she was funny, stubborn, unapologetically herself and always the centre of a good story.

19:24I'll always remain sad that she never got the chance to hear it herself we told her that I'd sent it in before she passed and she gave that mischievous giggle she was known for. She had a little catchphrase don't make me weak whenever she was in fits of laughter. Don't make me weak, she's northern. I'm not a spiritual person but I just hope that wherever she is she listened to you girls read out her most infamous tale with such humour and that she's wetting herself with laughter. We also let the rest of the film, I hope you played it at the funeral actually. Welcome guys. We also let the rest of the family hear the story and for them too it brought that same spark of joy and warmth during such a hard time.

20:00For a few moments everyone smiled through their tears and remembered her exactly as she was, full of laughter, life and love. So from both of us, thank Thank you. Thank you for reading it with such warmth. Thank you for giving us a reason to laugh when it felt impossible. And thank you for unknowingly giving us one last story with her. One that's brought comfort and smiles to everyone who loved her. I know people tell you all the time how much happiness your podcast brings. But please know that in this moment, you really made a difference. You reminded us that joy can still exist, even in sadness.

20:32And that is something truly special. Please keep doing what you're doing. the world needs that lightheartedness now more than ever. With love and thanks, Dan from Manchester.

20:42Anna Williamson:Oh, Dan, I've got a little lump in the throat. We're so sorry that she passed, but I'm so happy that we've... Do you know what, mate? She stays alive. She brought a lot of joy. Yeah, she stays alive forever now in Luana because this episode is now on forever. So thank you for sharing her with us. Until we're cancelled.

21:03Anna Williamson:We've got some confessions now, Anna. We have. I've never told anyone this, but first up, hi Luanamo. I've been on the podcast before, but for this story, I'm going to remain a non out of fear I might be arrested. Even though I'm sure this wasn't my fault legally. Anyway, call me Anna, no, call me Jean Anna Top. Okay, so a petty poly. Jean Anna Top. Oh, Jean Anna Top. There it is. So a petty poly of mine, when driving around, I reach a set of lights. I love to sidle up along those stereotypical twats that sit there eagerly wanting to beat you off the mark just so they can be first. When everyone knows they are just mainly men showing off how small their micro penises are.

21:40Anna Williamson:The reason I love to go alongside them is because in the past I have egged them on, whether that's me just giving a quick head nod, smile, wink or even putting my window down and asking for a race. And then wait for it. One, two, three, go. I pull off the line like a snail. Like a snail. This is such a confetti party. I put off a lot like a snail whilst they put their foot down and shoot off. And I get great pleasure knowing that they have just ruined their tyres that little bit sooner and unnecessarily burned that extra bit of fuel, giving me a strong feeling. Why do I love this so much? This is where my story grows dark.