TOTALLY EXTRA: School Reports, Cohabiting & Feet Fetishes

0:01Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana.

0:13Anna Williamson:It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I apply.

0:32Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this, this, this, this podcast. Yeah, this bloody podcast. This one, right here, right now. Right here, right now. Right here, right now. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content, but you know you love it. That reminded me of singing that. Go on. I'm going to Latitude. Well, by the time this podcast comes out, I would have been. Fatboy Sim's one of the headliners. Is he? Yeah. So I'm sleeping in the horse row for four nights. Oh, Norman Cook. Yeah. He used to actually be neighbours with his sister.

1:08Really? Yeah, and I might message her. She's really nice and say, will you be at Latitude? Love to see you. P.S. Can I have backstage tickets? But also they've got a podcast stage there at Latitude. Have we? We spoke about this before. We need to be there. We did. We spoke about this earlier this year. Well, it was on that stage. You didn't really buy it. Not anyone who I've heard of. Shall I tell you? Yes. Did I not buy it?

1:30Anna Williamson:Well, I'm sorry if I didn't buy it. I must have been having a PMT moment. Because actually, it's really good. You know me. Sometimes you just have to force me to do something. But latitude's really good for families. And I think if it's good this year, maybe we should take our kids next year. Apparently, it's really good for the kids. To be fair, I wanted to take my kids to... There's a kids festival this summer. Where's the podcast? It's called now. We're up in the lake, so I can't do it. There's like a comedy arena.

2:01and then there's a theatre and then there's the Listening Post and Penguin Podcast Live, Maya Oppenheim.

2:10Anna Williamson:Maya Oppenheim. Yeah, Girls on Film. Oh, yeah. Are these all podcasts? Yeah. Single Ladies in Your Area, Susie MacDonald, Alice Hopkins, Faber and Faber. Sure, they're very good. Never heard of them. But maybe we need to be there. Should we go on Latitude? Not this year, next year. obviously Latter-day She's been and gone now it's been and gone now but we should do that shouldn't we yeah so there is a listening post which focuses on podcast stage well why weren't we asked I mean I'm there I am there you need to just sort of stand on that stage and just do a you know Oi Oi bitches I'll just fucking the Penguin Podcast sorry this is actually your episode Lufanians however I just want to do a quick shout out Lou I'm always meeting Lufanians right And in the gym the other day, a couple of guys, I could hear my fog on at the counter.

3:02Anna Williamson:They come over. And they were just there signing in and they were like, oh. Oh, what's the curtain? They went, you're from that funny podcast. And I went, yes, yes, I am. It depends what you're thinking about. So cool, isn't it? I've got quite a few people at Sunny. They're like, we think you're really funny. And I was like, do you want to do that? And they were like, yeah. Oh, my God, the stories. Men love the stories on Instagram. And I was like, well, thank you very much. Thank you very much. I wonder what our demographic is now. Oh, by the way, sorry, shout out. I should have done this a couple of weeks ago when I was back from Sunny.

3:32Shout out to Jen and Alex. Hi, Jen and Alex. Lovely couple I met. Alex came over. He was like, my wife, relax your pod. Got a picture. She then proceeded to spill a whole glass of rosé over me. Brilliant. I was a bit pissed, Jen, but I really liked her. She was having time off from her kids. Nice. Met them at a white party. Lovely. We had a very, very good laugh and just wanted to say shout out to Jen. Shout out, guys. Good to see you. I'm going to sneeze now. This is how I sneeze.

4:01That was my sneeze. I mean, it was quite a performance. I have to clap, look at light, and then I hold it in because I don't like...

4:10Anna Williamson:You're like my old French teacher. She used to make this big noise. She used to go, huh, huh, huh. That is what I do. Yeah, that's Lou. Right, shall we muff one in? This is your one, guys. It's muff dive. Let's go. Message from Anonymous. So, Betty, good morning all. Love the pod and all that jazz. Oh, here's a new segment for you. School reports. Oh, my God. This is a good idea. We forgot to do this a few weeks ago. I got my two back. I was bloody chuffed with their reports, funnily enough. Mine were glowing. Oh, I was pretty happy. I was like one eye open thinking, oh, Christ, what am I going to get?

4:40Anna Williamson:But I'm pretty good. And I did hear the teachers were quite constructive in their feedback. Anyway, here is mine from the ripe old age of 13. Please give me a granny name as anyone I went to school with will recognise the names. Cheers. Here we go then. So Betty is continuing to be Betty. Clearly, she has exasperated Mr. Jennison, frustrated Mr. Cloud, aged Mr. McKellar, done unspeakable things to Mr. Minnie's hair, hair, ah, hair, and Mrs. Maudley's is not amused. The culmination of all these Bs is that Betty will be back on report in the new year. She's perfectly capable of performing at a more than respectable level, and I'm disappointed the maturity has not kicked in more rapidly.

5:22Oh, that's bloody brilliant. Do you know what I found my mum's the other day?

5:25Anna Williamson:I'll have to dig it out for the next... Did you ever get naughty school reports? It doesn't surprise you guys. I was a bit of a goody too, she's. I was always... I was cheeky, but I always did well, so they couldn't ever say much about me. No, my mum are all fairly vanilla. Right, kids say the funniest things from Anonymous. We've called you Dillis. Dillis says, from my six-year-old son, number one, Mummy, why is your mooie so prickly? it hurts to sit on your lap fucking hell what's she got down right big shade fever bloody hell brillo pad how prickly is it mummy did you want that moustache or do you still want to be a girl cue time to wax my facial hair I love the pod and all that jazz shout out to my bestie Nerys who's a big fan of the pod and will know who this is from my Enzo just when they broke up for school this term they had done puberty in PSHA PSHA oh you know what I mean let me tell you The chats around puberty and vagus and penises.

6:27Anna Williamson:We've done it all. We've done it all. We've even had the sex chat about how the P goes in the V. Oh, wow. We've even had that one too. We've gone deep. We have. Right, let's play a voice note. I'm not sure who this is from. Be surprised. It might be from Alice or it might be from Aggie. Let's give it a go.

6:46Anna Williamson:This is a live rant. This is about the woman that said a couple of weeks ago about how retail workers are lazy because she said that everything was out. I just want to say I worked in retail for like three years at Vista Village, a busy fucking place. And I can tell that you've come in five minutes before we close the fucking door asking me if we have one blue jumper left. and let me tell you I've been up that stairs about 50 million times today because every fucker that's walked through that door has asked for that blue jumper and I've told them no, it's all out because I've gone upstairs and I've checked and there's still nothing upstairs so please do not get angry with me when you come in five minutes before the door shuts ask me if I've got that blue jumper and I don't and then ask me to go upstairs and look no, I won't fucking go and look because I've been upstairs and there's still nothing there so I know I'm going to walk up that stairs turn around in a circle come back downstairs and say no there's nothing there so when we say there's nothing there it's because there's nothing there I just wanted to get that off my chest I found you guys through Staying Relevant and been listening ever since so love you all yeah just keep that in mind next time you go into a shop okay noted thanks Pete and Sam as well for the cross there's a very small minority of people that are going to understand this and that will understand the frustration when someone comes and asks you this.

8:18Anna Williamson:I'm not lazy. I've just finished my degree and working full-time, about to start my master's. So fuck the lot of you who are about to go, she's lazy. I'm not lazy. You're not lazy, babes. You're not lazy. She's not. And she's saying it loud and proud. God bless you and your laziness. Right, a message next from Anonymous. So Dolly, hi team, long story short, I've been with my husband for 12 years and throughout that there have been alcohol and drug problems that's really shit by the way but most recently i found out that he has cheated on me in the past two times that i know of one was one of those was with an old work colleague which lasted seven months here's my dilemma the relationship is 100 done but i have young kids to think about they idolize and love their dad and through all his faults he idolizes them and he is a great dad my question is do you think it It could work being separated but still live in the same house for the kids always, isn't it?

9:12Anna Williamson:That would mean being honest with them that we are separated, but that would still be a family under the same roof. I'm petrified what this will do to them if he leaves. I've seen how this can affect children through friends who have divorced. So much has happened through the years and he's slowly chipped away at my heart and now there is nothing left to feel. I don't even dislike him. Is that weird? So I obviously think I could still live in the same house. Obviously it hurts, but I'm a bit numb to it really. I would love both your thoughts as at this moment I haven't told anyone I want to gather my thoughts and put my kids first and do what's right for them I'm an OG listener and I love your pod keep me anonymous call me Dolly oh Dolly listen I have cohabited with my ex whilst we were kind of going through that transition of breakup and it was fine but ultimately it doesn't work how long did you live together because you'd had Dixie together obviously yeah maybe like kind of six months we sort of lived separately can I ask did you like have separate rooms yeah separate bedrooms You would like you'd made that decision.

10:07We were seeing people. Yeah, really. And so it can work. But at the end of the day, it's just not ideal. And I have to be honest, I think if you are going to break up and you're not the only one, you know, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce now. That's just the way of the world now. We do. You know, that's just what the statistics are. so I personally would think just short sharp pain split up establish your own houses establish your routine with the children so that they don't feel like they don't know whether they're coming or going and just move forward with that routine and that new sort of frame of life because what inevitably will happen is if you split up one of you is going to meet someone else or you're both going to meet someone else and then it's disruptive anyway when that happens because a it could affect your relationship and B eventually you are going to want to move out and in with someone else so you're better off just establishing your own unit your own house and your routine with the kids he can establish his and you can then move on with your lives and you are not better off living under

11:07Anna Williamson:the same roof for the children and just not no and to to uh concur with Louis it is a very personal decision but I do know someone right at this moment who has been living with their ex and I do actually know that with two kids. And they've been doing it for about a year and a half for this actual reason, to try and not disrupt the children, to try and keep. And it has worked to an extent, but now they're in a position where they're both actively dating and now there's all this confusion over, well, if they can't bring their other partners back to the house out of respect for each other, they have to go and sleep at the other people's houses.

11:41Anna Williamson:But that then creates even more kind of, where's mum or your daddy gone? So I think you're sort of kicking the can, is what we're saying. You're better off just separating. Have your 50 % of your time alone moving on with your own independent life and give him his. Clarity. And you know what? And I can help reassure you. Lou's done it herself. It's not easy but it is just unfortunately life. If you're in a relationship that's not working for you your children will statistically be happier having two separate parents happy than two parents under the same roof miserable or treading on eggshells because they pick up on everything like sponges.

12:12Good luck with that my love. We've got a voice note from Emily next.

12:17Anna Williamson:I happen to keep my voice down because I'm just walking out and saying me to hospital in Bristol after coming for women's physio so you can guess what that entails yes anyway she says are you ready and I said yeah let's muff dive in I couldn't help it I think she's on the funny side anyway I'm Emily from Bristol I hope Emily that you recommended our pod after saying that I was going to say you've listened to us for too long Emily Freudian slip muff dive in what's Kerry saying Lulu She has got a Petty Polly for us. She says, hi, girls, obsessed with the pod. Kerry from Leeds here. And this is my Petty Polly.

12:53My husband is obsessed with the TV being on an even number on the volume. I'm just farted. Sorry, it's really bad today. I'm also obsessed with an even number on the volume.

13:02Anna Williamson:Oh, completely. It can't be an odd number. Ours has to be 30. The time I tell you we've got, it's the 30. Well, it sounds it, but it goes up to 100. But if the kids, yeah, 29, absolutely not. 31, absolutely not. It's weird, isn't it? It's got to be even. He will not rest until I've moved it up or down so it's even. Same with the timer on the cooker. Oh, wow. It has to be, you know, can't be, not 15 minutes, it has to be 16 minutes. Okay. Anyway, carry on. So if we've had a little bicker or he's just pissed me off, in general whilst watching TV, when he's not looking or walks out the room, I get the remote and, yep, I turn it up to an odd number.

13:38The satisfaction I get when he sits back down and doesn't have a clue he's watching the TV on volume 19 instead of 20 is fantastic.

13:47Anna Williamson:that is such a relatable one I love that right we've got more I guess we've hung our hats on hamster trauma on this pod and we have a message here from Paige she says I have a traumatic hamster story to share and to join the rest of them I was about four or five years old and we had our first hamster jet for a few months well I'm such a kid's name jet one morning before school I walked into the lounge and asked my mum why there was a strawberry on the lounge floor. Very confused, she headed into the lounge to investigate. Oh! Oh, dear. Only to find that what I thought was a strawberry was in fact Jet's head, nose up, with no body attached to it.

14:32Anna Williamson:Oh, no. And no fur. Somehow he had escaped his cage, now a cat, Sinbad, had eaten the rest of him. Luckily, this didn't put me off strawberries or cats, but we never did get another hamster. Page from Paul. Oh.

14:49Everyone's got a traumatic hamster story. And also, nature will be nature. My kids keep asking for hamster. Well, after that bloody... But then they've gone for a goldfish. I'm like, no. No.

14:57Anna Williamson:Well, now my kids want the bloody dog, don't they? They want this cavalier puppy thing. When you do your house... I did actually say to them... Dogs are a tie, though, but your parents will have it when you go away. Yeah, exactly. It's always so much on a dog, isn't it? Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win.

15:31Anna Williamson:Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Right, some confessions now I've never told anyone this but Hi girls, I've never told anyone this but I love a secret dildo wank whilst my husband is fast asleep next to me. Full disclaimer my husband and I have a fantastic sex life it's regular, sexy and often involves a toy or two however recently, sometimes when he's tired after a long day at work and falls asleep before me if I'm in the mood I'll quite often slowly reach next to me, grab my favourite dildo and pleasure myself until I'm seeing stars.

16:11I'm not sure how my husband will feel about this. So I stay as quiet as I can whilst he's fast asleep, inches away from me. But I think this adds to the pleasure. Desperately trying not to wake up, wake him up or get caught. I'm not sure if this is weird or if anyone else does this, but I secretly love that it's my little secret and the perfect remedy for a good night's sleep. No need to keep me known. I'm Laura from Leicester.

16:36Anna Williamson:All right, horny Laura. Horny Laura. I also like the fact that you just read that in your best ASMR voice. I read that in a whisper. In a little sex voice. I was like getting into bed with Laura. And now she's just reaching. Frig. Frig, frig, frig. Flicky, flicky, flicky, flicky, flicky, flicky, flicky. No, no. And don't you want to help get stars in my eyes? Whatever that song is. Right, next up. Hi, Luanna. I just wanted to start this message by saying a big thank you for bringing a whole lot of reality to my life. Well, you're welcome, Bab. I've often found myself caught up in the perfection of social media.

17:10Anna Williamson:Oh, no, babes, come on. There's nothing about perfection. Just look at us. I mean, look at us. Actually, we're not looking too bad feet-wise today. I look awful. No, my toes need doing. I just have my toes done. This one's all ripped off. Oh, yeah, yours are a bit gammy. I've got brown feet, though. One of my toes is gammy. Hi, YouTube foot fetish people. Hi. We just want to say, hello, hello. Do you enjoy? I love my feet. and Bex is here eye rolling because we actually haven't seen the pervy YouTube comments apparently it's a lot and Bex is like stop feeding them do you know what I know this is a lot hey we might get more views and actually I know this is a lot because jokes aside the biggest piss taking I get out of Paul and Dr.

17:51Anna Williamson:Tara's celebs is they both go into all the comment sections of ours like YouTube because they keep saying you need a side hustle okay Bex bring up some comments we can read them in a minute okay fine so anyway she's gone on to say I've found myself caught up in the perfection of social media and you've helped me to laugh at the embarrassing moments as it feels like I'm not so alone in my blunders. That brings me nicely onto sharing the most mortifying moment of my life. I have never shared this to anyone, not even my best friend. So I guess this would be an I've never told anyone this. But when I was 18, cue Anna's slutty college years, I was having a summer fling with one of the boys a few years above me at school.

18:29Anna Williamson:And I felt I was the coolest girl. You know, when you get with an older. I did that. I got with a sick former. Fast forward to me being at his house about to get down and dirty. Bear in mind, his entire family were downstairs, and so we were trying to remain quiet. After starting in the classic missionary position... I mean, they're literally fucking. They're all downstairs having a cup of tea and a custard cream. A little chucky bitchy. Do you know what I mean? A little chucky bicky, Lou. With a start of classic missionary position, he flipped me over to a doggy style position and was about to put the tip in.

19:00Anna Williamson:As he rather forcefully rams the tip of his penis into me, his mum starts calling his name and he... And bursts into his room. Just as she does, the force of his appendage entering one tight 18-year-old vag releases the loudest queef you've ever heard. It was an unmistakable noise. Lou, give us that impression again. Give us the... It was an unmistakable noise and the scramble of the two of us trying to hide under the covers made it quite clear to his mum, now standing in the doorway, what she had walked into. Now, do you know what? The sound I've got in my brain is, you know when you accidentally tread on a dog's squeaky toy too hard?

19:47Anna Williamson:It's that easy. No words for exchange for what felt like an eternity until she quietly said, Your nan. Your nan's here. Come down and say hello when you're ready. Safe to say I never saw him again and ever plan on rekindling things in case I ever see his mum again. Looking back, it's equally hilarious and mortifying and I've felt it was a true Luanna story. Love you girls. Please keep me a nod and call me Doris. That is a brilliant Luanna story. There's the tip. Ready and what a fart. Mum walks in. Your nan's hair. Nan's downstairs of all I know she's. Let me tell you now, whenever they were writing the in-betweeners, all they needed to do was look at our content and they've got it written.

20:28I thought, as we're reading that, it's such an in-betweeners. In-betweeners. Well, I introduced Dixie to the in-betweeners, didn't I? Legendary. To try and soften the snowflake, no, to try and harden the snowflateness. She loved it. It's brilliant. And I didn't realise, we were on holiday, she's never heard of Borat. I was like, yeah, Shemesh, what are you doing, darling? My fagine. My fagine. And she was like, Mum, what is that? And I was like, she doesn't know what fagine is. She doesn't know what Borat is. I was like, darling, It's one of the greatest movies of all time. And comedies before that.

20:55She was like, can we watch it? Yes. She's got a little friend over tonight. I'm going to watch Borat tonight. Stick him in front of that. I showed her some trailers. She seemed on board. Get her in front of Borat. I want to know.