TOTALLY EXTRA: Scrub Daddies, "Homemade" Brownies & Liquid Fingers

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But guys, you're here, you know you love it. Welcome to Thursday. This is Luana. Totally extra. Has someone farted? No, is it my breath? No, maybe it's mine. I can smell farts somewhere. I haven't farted. Have you farted, Becca? I can't smell anything. It was probably me then. And on that note, highly fanions, welcome along to the app. Of course, this is your episode. Extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions, stories, you. Before we go any further, are you listening?

0:39Please make sure you're following. Follow, follow, follow on your favourite podcast platform, please. We really appreciate it. And do subscribe on YouTube. We are on YouTube. And hello, anyone that is watching us on the Tube of You. The Tube of You. I wonder why it's called YouTube. Yeah, why is it called YouTube? No, let's not go down that rabbit hole. No one cares. Let's go down this rabbit hole. We've got a shit gift in. It's from someone anonymous. So we've called you Anita Hanjab. Anita Hanjab. Anita Hanjab. Hi, Luanamo. Shit gift here and a long running one too. My mother-in-law gifts my partner and I a hamper every Christmas filled with lovely goodies to share and then a few individual items that are wrapped.

1:21For the past three years, the mother-in-law has gifted her son a scrub daddy Oh. Yeah, the little sponges with the face in them. Bloody ages ago, he once mentioned that we needed one, and since then, without fail, she's bought him one, wrapped it up, and given it to him for Christmas. I can't lie, it is a handy gift. Yeah. They're great little sponges. But I now have a family of the smiley little bastards in the cupboard under the sink. He also can't be mad at her, because she's so genuinely happy to see him unwrap it, and says, oh, because you were needing to buy one. Neither of us have the heart to tell her that she's bought the same thing for the past three years.

1:57Does she not know? Maybe she's seen her. Perhaps I'll let you know if he gets another one this year. I probably don't need to be anonymous, but I don't want to miss out on my own porn star name. Call me Anita Hanjab. Lots of love to you all. I think that's so cute. Scrub Daddy. I think that's really cute. Isn't that old Hinch Face woman? Hinch Face, brilliant. She made the Scrub Daddy. Did she? I think she made it better. But sometimes parents, we actually, my brothers and I had to kindly break it to my mum who she does like a little, she does like a little miniature stocking for us three with like practical things.

2:31And we did have to tell her that we, you know, the annual de-icer for our car, which is in our practical stocking. It is really good. But we've all got, we all realised we've got so much backed up of the de-icer. Why aren't you using it? Well, we don't get that much ice, clearly. We're having to use it all up. So we were like, we love the de-icer, but you can skip a year. Skip a year. Skip a year. Because you've got stock. She was quite pleased to be told. She was like, look after the pennies, won't waste the money. Yeah. On the de-ISA. Go on, Mary. From Halfords. There it is. Right, we've got a voice note run next from Muriel.

3:03Hi. I'm just heading out on my run and I was listening to your podcast and I heard a woman telling a story about that she was in a hotel and that she did a poo and that the chain didn't work and that she had to go down to reception and the maintenance man came up and, you know, the poo was in the toilet. And he saw her poo and she was so embarrassed. I just thought I had to do a public service announcement. Go on. People, if your poo is in the toilet and you're like in that situation, you can just get some water, fill up a bucket, fill up a big bottle with water and pour it down the toilet and it will flush.

3:45When you flush the toilet, all it is is like a load of water. So you never need to be in this situation. You just need to get a big bowl, a big container of water, and just go to the tap, fill it up, and flush the toilet yourself. Wow. I know this because I live in the countryside in Ireland. We have lots of power cuts. And sometimes when there's a power cut, we don't have any water, so we have to get rainwater from outside in a bucket, and we have to flush the toilet ourselves. so I feel the people listening to Luanna need to know this so you never end up in that embarrassing situation again thanks for the pod you're going to keep me company as I run these lovely country rides go on girl bye wow this does ring a bell I realise because the builders in our labby don't you need a lot of oomph with the flush you need the pressure a small bottle of water from the gym ain't going to cut it you need a bucket I was thinking, where is the bucket?

4:49And then I thought, the bin. Yes. You've got the plastic bins or the metal bins. And you can just fill that up and wash it down. Because the flush isn't like a suck. It's just a load of water. And this is just reminding me, Alex, because I don't get involved in the building work, guys. You know me. I'm waiting to come in with new towels. But Alex was saying, look, we've got no plumbing at the moment. The builder's been using the lavvy. And he did say, yeah, they need a bucket of water and they flush it with the, because the plumbing's not on. well at the moment either. Yeah, they flush the turds with a bucket of water.

5:21Why don't you just get them a daft lav? That's what I do as well. We offered it. It's up to them. They just prefer to use a proper loo. What, your toilet? I don't mind. The house is in a state where we can still allow that to happen. Oh, it's not your new toilet? No, no, it's not a new toilet. It's another toilet. Oh, God, I nearly had a house. Not a... It's a sisman. Can't have anyone else shitting you on your... It's a Lusso toilet. No, no, not in the Lusso toilet. No, this is in the old granny pad toilet. It's fine. It's fine. I know right Petty Polly from Anonymous so Wanda Wankstein Hi ladies I was at work today and I realised that I have a Petty Polly that I do every day to someone at work Every day Now this girl caused a lot of drama for me between me and my husband over the years I've never forgiven her for the way that she makes me feel Anyway two to three years ago she went to the dentist to have her teeth sorted They are crooked and yellow She signed up to some year plan that cost her six grand for a retainer They told her the reason for her yellow teeth is all the sugar she puts in her teeth.

6:20Now, she knows a lot about a girl that she doesn't like. Anyway, now this girl only drinks tea and she used to have three teaspoons in each cup. Oh my God, that's so much sugar. That is a lot of sugar. Oh, that'll taste gross. No wonder her teeth are falling out. So she had made a real effort to get down to one sugar. Couldn't cope, so has ended up going to one and a half. However, when I make her a lovely brew, at least twice a day, I still purposely put three teaspoons in and today she really pissed me off so I gave her four. Oh my, that's like eight teaspoons of sugar a day. Fucking hell, that's so bad.

6:52That's so bad. I wonder if she ever notices. She seems to always drink it up. I even went one, that's so sugary, that's making my mouth go funny. I even went one further the other week after she wowed me right up and I changed my tampon and I rubbed my fingers around the rim of her cup without washing them first. Brilliant. Give me a filthy porn star name, Imo. Love you guys. Brilliant. Oh, this woman pisses you off. Yeah, she hates her. This is a petty pony. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Ellie. Hi, Luanna and Imo. I have got a rant for you. So I have just gotten home after spending 25 minutes of my journey stuck behind the slowest learner.

7:39now my rant isn't with the learner, I'm not that much of a bitch we've all got to start somewhere but rather the driving instructor because surely as an instructor you should be teaching your learners the danger of going 26 miles per hour in a 60 on a straight stretch of road absolutely bloody ridiculous so driving instructors get your shit together but yeah bloody annoying you don't have to keep me anonymous my name's Ellie I'm from Huntingdon originally from Stevenage yay but yeah thanks girls love you lots bye boing boing burra burra yeah you can go to Stevenage you get done for that in Dubai well when I went on my speed awareness course you get done they did make it yeah you can going under the speed I don't need you for anything here except saying the wrong thing on Facebook that is true Right, we've got a message from a non, so Donna Gush.

8:42Hi, Luanna, please keep me a non, just looking for some advice if possible. My partner and I have a 12-week-old baby together. He's an amazing dad and partner with no problems at all. The issue is I'm really close to my friends and always have been. So we get invited to each other's family events, etc., as we are all like sisters. When myself and my partner get invited, he always comes up with an excuse to why he won't go. Most of the time it's, I don't know anyone, or he tells me if he doesn't want to go and makes me lie to my friends that he's busy. I tell him he won't know anyone if he never goes to things.

9:13My friends are all in relationships, so it would not just be him and the girls. I really want him to integrate with my friends. I'm not asking him to be best friends with them and see them all the time, but it would be nice for him to join me at social events so we don't always seem like that couple that never go anywhere together. My friends are really important to me, and I don't want our relationship to suffer because of my partner. Please, can you help? tricky one is actually because we i think we've talked about this before in the past i think um i think there's a compromise to be made here yeah not not all the time but some of the time i do think if that's important to you then then that's fine there are some sets of friends honestly i'm quite pleased alex can't you know doesn't want to come to but i think if it's an important occasion or an important get-together or you're the only one without your partner there yeah just do it for you i think sometimes you do just have to do it for your partner even though you know deep down you can't be arsed.

10:04I think you do just have, that's part I think of being a couple sometimes and being a team is what I think. So I would kind of communicate that to your husband and say it actually really means a lot to me if you would do it. I would do it for you. I agree. I think that he does just need to suck it up buttercup sometimes and you need to put your foot down a bit. Just say like I feel you know you're the only one that's not there. You're the only guy that doesn't come. People like wonder why. I'm not asking you to come. It's embarrassing for me. You know 100 % at the time, but 20 % at the time would be nice.

10:34Yeah. Good luck. Yeah. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may apply. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

11:23Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com.

11:35Voice note from Anonymous, so Phil McCracken. Hi, Lou Animo. I think I've just been petty-pollied by somebody. I was out walking, as you do, and I came to a crossing, pedestrian crossing. I didn't touch any buttons. there's a bike thing there so it automatically goes to red so I crossed the road but because the car had to stop and I wasn't there I am sure he put his windscreen wash onto me so I would get wet but luckily I wasn't quite close enough and it missed me but I am sure I have been petty pollied anyway I think you have you don't really need to know my name because the person will never know and just call me Phil McCracken.

12:28Thank you. Bye. Thanks, babes. Petty Polly by a stranger too. Yeah. Ouch. Message from Anonymous. Alice Fingerling. Hi, Luanamo. I have an icebreaker question. Well, a question I ask everybody and I wanted to know your responses. If you have a liquid coming out of each of you... Oh, we've done this one, haven't we? Ages ago. No. I'm sure we've done this. If you have a liquid... or maybe I did it with my family. A liquid coming out of each of your five fingertips, what liquids would you choose? Big shout out to my best friend and colleague, Doz. Okay. What would you choose? Five liquids coming out of my fingertips.

13:09Tea. Yeah. Coffee. Negroni. Lovely. Water, just to rehydrate. Yeah. And then petrol, just to sort out my car. That's a good one. There you go. I would have water. tequila. Nice. Sparkling water.

13:30Picante. Yeah, petrol. Petrol. Or diesel. Don't actually know what my cars take. Yeah. And one more. Maybe, yeah, picante. Picante. Picante. Imagine. I would have, like, the perfect cup of tea. Ooh. Yeah, that would be good. Ooh. I would have, petrol would be good. I'd have matcha actually, coconut matcha. I would have maybe some liquid gold, make some money. Oh, she's always so clever. Always, that bloody degree and everything. Make some money. Yeah, that's so smart, liquid gold. I'd make a lot of money out of that actually. You would, you would. Make your own gold vase. I would make liquid. Liquid platinum.

14:25No, I think I want some more drinks. Maybe. What's your favourite alcoholic drink? Nice Savvy Bee? No, I wouldn't go for a wine. I'd probably do like a nice cocky tail. Cocky tail. I'd like one of the Edmonds. Well, do you know what I'd do as well? Go on. It's like a bit of Dom Perignon. And then I could bottle it myself and sell it. We should use this talent in the fingertips to actually make money. We're all entrepreneurial. And the last one would be squash. I love squash. I drink squash. Love a bit of squash. A Vimto, no sugar. I love Vimto. Becca, would you like to join in on this one? Liquid gold, tea, water and fresh Diet Coke.

15:11Oh yeah, a crispy one. Crispy. Crispy. And ooh, ooh, ooh. hot chocolate there we go we liked that thank you Lufthelius I hope you've played along it's better than the birds one oh yes that was hilarious time for some confessions I've never told anyone this but hey ladies love the pod and all that jizzle below is a story I thought I could only share with you I'd love a porno name so settle in peeps I recently visited Belgium centre parts with my family what a wholesome holiday. Yes. Fresh air, nature and the tropical paradise that is the aqua mundo swimming pool extravaganza. Love it. Pools, floats, wave machines, bubbles, flumes.

15:56What more could you ask for? Now sadly, the rapids were closed this particular week which I was initially sad about but this I remembered the many then I remembered the many rapid related stories on the pod and I thought better of it. I've got another one from the other week. Anyway, enjoying the facilities with the kids with one of our faves being the lazy river you know the type the water propels you around and you can know like you lie like a floating turd and drift upon the current well we've done this a hundred times no biggie until one fateful time i'm following my seven-year-old round who of course moves faster than his fat berg of a mother oh don't say that about yourself oh so i begin to do a gentle breaststroke to catch him up and that's when it happens i'm not entirely sure how but my swimming position must have been such that my arse was facing one of the powerful jets that kept the water moving and my god did it violate me from nowhere came the most almighty whoosh right up my arsehole and i mean up i have never had an enema or a clonic but i should imagine that's what a backstreet one of those felt like i could practically taste it then came the panic everything felt strange.

17:09Was I now leaking shit in the lazy river? My bum hole was stinging. I felt all kinds of sensations and not good ones, may I add. So I managed to scramble out and slowly waddle to the loo whilst clenching my bum cheeks to hold the entire world inside of me. I was certain I could feel liquid shit dribbling. It wasn't. It was just pool water. Thank God. And I did make it to the loo. And what a clear out it gave me, I can tell you. I gave absolutely no fucks about the sounds I was making and I let my innards fall out. Just imagine. And she lowered onto that pan. Once over, all I was left with was a sore anus and a sense of emptiness.

17:50It still hurts three days later. But some people pay a fortune for tubes up their bums, whereas mine came for free with my holiday. It's a story I knew you ladies would love and one I can only tell of those select group of people, you guys included. I love you guys. Brilliant. Just anything involving a water jet and an arse. Next one, confession time. Everyone knows I make the best brownies ever. My family always demands them. My office gets a steady supply every week and I sit and hear the compliments flow. What they don't know is that I don't make them a job. There's a little bakery in the village that make them all rustic looking and they are the best.

18:29The woman in there knows me so well now she gives me a hefty discount. Not sure she'd know if I was, parsley I work off for my own. I love that. Love that. Great confession. Do you know what makes a great brownie? The Thermomix. There we are from Monday's ep. Yeah, it makes such a good brownie. Yeah. Maybe I'll make them. Yeah, that'd be nice actually. I'll make a good brownie. Yeah, do you do a good brownie? You're a good baker actually, Imo. It's gluten-free as well. Can we also, is it? What is gluten-free then without the flour? The flour is gluten-free flour. Also, actually, quick side note on this.

19:01Maybe we'll even touch this on Monday, but we're starting to launch Imo as a cookie. influencer on her Instagram. So, kindly, she had her inaugural reel the other week when she was cooking. What were you cooking? My gyoza curry thing. She talked about it on the pod. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was a recoseco? It was a recoseco. So, go and have a look at your Imogen's Instagram, for the love of God, and give it a like and a reply. Please do. Well, guys, that is it for this week's Luana Totally Extra. We will be back with our usual dose of Luana on Monday. So, do tune in then. you can email us Luana at everythingluana.com and we rely on you for this episode so please get them in all your droves you're looking at me smugly Imogen because you know you haven't written down the new number and I don't remember it but the WhatsApp number is 075 615 215 075 615 215 075 215 64640 we're nearly there we're nearly there finally I'm learning a number we're nearly there guys Send all your guff in.

20:03If, remember, we're also doing, Luanna, the live night in on Friday the 13th of Feb. Do get your ticket now. What's it called? The live night in? Text is correct. Whatever it is. Luanna, the big Galentine's night in. That is what we're doing. It's on Friday the 13th. It's live, okay? Just get a ticket for it. It's live and we're in. It's cheaper than a Starbucks. And you can join us and be part of the gang around the world. Everythingluanna.com for those tickets. See you on Monday. Bye. who says Halloween only lasts one day with Wayfair one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home from larger than life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night they're made all season long Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com Wayfair, every style, every home Hey man, you hungry?

21:02Let's order delivery Yeah, I was thinking Italian Burgers? Oh Game night, just got tense Two bros on different sides of the fence Burgers or pasta tonight Why can't we have food without the fire? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. This has been a Global Player original production. Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah, I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight.

21:52Why can't we have food without the fight?

22:21in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home.