TOTALLY EXTRA: Soiled Sunflowers, P*ssy pumps & Car Park Snacks

0:00Anna Williamson:Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may apply. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you're here and you know you love it. It's Thursday. Good morning, you little beauties. Top of the morning.

0:49Hope you're having a super week. Top of the morning, Tiana. Top of the mountain on a cold, breezy day. I just wanted to say to Heather, looks beautiful up here.

0:56Anna Williamson:Oh, beautiful. full. This is Luanna, Totally Extra of course. This is your episode. She's Lu. I'm Anna. Imojin is over there. Are you there, Imo? Are you there? I can't do Scottish. Are you there? Reminds me of when we did the other week on Extra. I spent a lot of my teens in Glasgow. Did you? Just because we had really good family friends who were kind of like almost sibling-esque, you know, where you go and stay for a long time and then did you have any Scottish romances yeah kind of did you look under any kilts any kilts yeah did you no oh my god that just reminded me for New Year we had this big New Year's party at our house in Dubai and we got this dance floor on the roof terrace which is like had all like lights in it but it was like not mirrored but reflected off with lights don't tell me and our Scottish friend came Jack in a kilt and true star had nothing on underneath.

1:57Stop. Well, when we were on the dance hall, we could all just see his balls. Ball bags. See his balls.

2:01Anna Williamson:Do your balls hang low. Cock and balls was out. And obviously when I was pissed, I was totally obsessed with looking. Babes, I wouldn't have even waited for the floor. I'd have got right under there with my nose. You know, it's reflective. Look, I can see your cock and balls. Do you know what? Disappointingly, there weren't that many kills when I was a teenager in Scotland. But I did used to have to put on, that's why I adopted the Glaswegian accent. Because then when we got to an age where we'd frequent a few pubs, Oh, you had to. But they'd take the piss out of me for being the English one. No, just for not having a Scottish accent.

2:32Anna Williamson:You used to put it on. Yeah, because I had to socially integrate. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, camellia. I was babes, I was. But otherwise you would literally, ah, I'd hate to spark the English. They'd just take the piss out of me. Anyway, hello if you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe now. If you're not watching on YouTube, you can go and watch us on YouTube. Hi. Hi. We're waving. Right, let's muff hunt into this one. Let's see what the morning Hoff Woff is delivering. Lovely. We've got a message from a non. So Chris Peeklet. Cute. Good morning. I have an embarrassing story for you.

3:07Excellent. Please keep me a non. My parents would read my son a bedtime story once a week and this would be read in mine and my husband's bed and then he'd be taken to his bed to sleep. Cute. One evening my dad was reading a story to him. My dad isn't the most aware of what's going on around him and was merrily carrying on reading the story whilst my son was prattling about, running around the room generally being a four-year-old. Suddenly, my dad came running down the chairs shouting, I can't, I can't, I can't. I ran to the bottom of the stairs concerned as to what on earth had happened. and as I ran to the bottom of the stairs, I witnessed my father being chased down the stairs by my four-year-old son, what can only be described as an obscenely large penis length and girth extender.

3:53Waving it, waving it. Oh, my son waving, what can only be described as an obscenely large penis length and girth extender. As if the chasing wasn't mortifying enough, it transpired my son had been tapping my dad on the cheek with it for at least 30 seconds whilst he was engrossed reading the story before he realised what was being used to tap him with. What? I still can't look my dad in the eye and the story time now happens in my son's room. Mine and my husband's being well out of bounds. Sorry, what is... So he's got a girth... It's like a girth... A penis leg...

4:27Anna Williamson:A penis leg... Yeah, it's a penis pump. Like a pump. Penis pump. He's got a penis pump, Babs. Oh, he's making his cock bigger than that. He's trying to. He's trying to suck it out a little bit and the kids found it. oh my gosh do you think that works? do you know we were talking about this with celebs containing the other day who needs a dick extension who needs a penis pump watch the series to find out no no one needs one not that I know of but no we were all quite fascinated by it so I sort of think we need to buy one I sort of want to buy one I did experiment with a pussy pump once did you what does it do?

5:02like you put it on in my younger years It's so fantastic. What? And you're like pumping. It like puffs you up. Yeah, puffs you up. I don't need any more puffing. I got quite obsessed actually at one point with pussy pumps and pussy pumping porn. Did you? So it's more of an intrigue thing. What it did, yeah. Have you ever tried it? No. It's quite like it feels, because obviously it brings all of the blood to the surface. Stimulating. And it like expands in there. Everything gets like really big and juicy. Do you get a little gasm? I think you'd like it. it's quite a lesbian thing I think isn't it well because it's like a big juicy pussy I'd just say great eye roll from Emma there you know it's quite like let me get my face in it why would that be a lesbian thing well because like you know but men like to do that too I just feel like I'd get my face in it Lou's mind Lou has apportioned this to lesbians I have because I used to watch like lesbian pussy pumping porn I haven't watched that for a long time well that was the actual maybe I'll get back into it lesbian pussy pumping porn And then I had quite a wild, kinky guy at the time.

6:10I was quite willing to try anything. And so we sort of had a lot of sex toys, actually. And that was one of the things. I was like, let's give it a go. We used it a few times. Obviously it wasn't that good. I haven't got one now. When we broke up, he just posted me back a box.

6:27Anna Williamson:Of stuff? Yeah. That was kind of him. He could have flogged it all now. You could have made a lot of money from that. My crusty juices. Oh, pussy pub. Voice don't rant from anonymous. Sometimes I forget this goes out to millions of people. Probably not anymore. So, Leaf Blower, here we go. Hello, Luanamo and Bex. Just a little rant. Since when did the GPs charge for writing you a letter? Yes. I've just had a text from my GP saying, that they're going to charge me£35 to get a letter in writing to tell my little boy's school that he's allergic to nuts. Oh, that's nasty. What the fuck? Why? What are we paying them for?

7:16Anna Williamson:What do you... I don't understand. Make it make sense. Well, I actually think it's quite a good thing. Well, I would say on that, if it's a medical diagnosis, like, that's not a choice thing, I would say that should be free. because I'm fine I think when it's a choice like I've paid for letters for like you know going abroad or you know you need like a doctor's letter for something that's kind of not a medical condition so it's like nut allergy might die I would say that one would in that circumstance but why does she need to give the school a letter from the doctor anyway as if you'd make up that your kid has a nut allergy school obviously needs it for some reason I think that's a little steep I think people should pay for doctor's appointments tenner you know it should be means tested Would you pay a tenner for a doctor's appointment?

8:05Yeah. Would you? Or would you feel a bit outraged at that? Depends what I was going for. Yeah, it doesn't really. If it meant that you could get an appointment quicker, would you pay for it? Probably. Yes, I see. If you paid, then you could employ more doctors, and then the people that couldn't pay and didn't have the money could have access quicker as well. That's what I would do. And also, I think you should be charged if you don't turn up to a doctor's appointment.

8:36Anna Williamson:Well, I think they... Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, really bad. That's bad, like when it's so strange. That's actually... Do you know what? That is... You're absolutely right. I'm just thinking about it. Because I am very lucky. Our doctor's surgery, our NHS doctor's surgery, we're very good. You get an appointment straight away. That is really good. And I know that's not the case for a lot of people. But nothing but praise for our surgery and how they run it. But you're right. I think if people, if you do miss an appointment, they often send a text or say, if you cancel this appointment or don't turn up, it costs the NHS like£50.

9:06Anna Williamson:And I think that is really bad. You should be charged that£50. Well, I think, but also if you can't make it, it doesn't, actually this is a bugbear of mine, is if you can't make it, well, life happens, fucking ring them up and say, because they've got a wait list of 15 ,000 people that will jump in that slot, or God forbid you give the GP a 15-minute tea break. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think not following through with that. I think you're right. they need to be a penalty because I think people do take the piss when something is a given I feel like if you go to A &E with like a tiny cart that you could have put a plaster on you should be charged for wasting time well they tend to move you across to an urgent care centre anyway yeah but someone still has to look at you and tell you to go to that do you remember when I went to A &E and sent loads of people home yeah but that's what should happen there should be a nurse that goes around and is like the thing is no one would want to take responsibility for that if they dismiss someone than something serious.

9:58Anna Williamson:Do you know what it is? When I was in A &E last time, I can't remember what it was for, but it's the amount of people... No, sorry, it wasn't me, actually. One of my family members has to go quite a lot. They have a life-limiting condition, so they have to often pop in to get medication. The amount of people that go with people, so I think there was, as in, like, hang her on us, and I think they were so full in this waiting room. Like, it's literally, like, sitting on the floor, like, awful. And somebody did take the ball by the horns, and said, look, can everybody that doesn't need to be here, every patient can have one person with them.

10:32Anna Williamson:Yeah, that's what they did when I was with Clemmie. Well, he said the whole bloody room cleared out. He said it literally dropped by two thirds. And like, I think that's also important. But then I guess when I took Clemmie, I had like, my mum was there and me and Clemmie. That's not too excessive. Then they did say that. They said only one. One person, which I think is good. Just stop blocking up the space for him. Anyway. Okay, last meeting wrapped. It's too late to cook. Should I order a poke or a burger? At war with myself, feeling choosy. Burger or tuna, what a doozy. If only I could have one of every bite.

11:11Anna Williamson:Why can't we have food without the bite? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so you never have to choose. Download the app today. Wonder. Food without the fight. Message from Anonymous. So Arnold, Dear Luanna Mobex, et al. Does that mean analytical al's almost sort of got along? Oh, I thought et al meant and all. It does. It does, it does. But I wondered if al was somehow getting in there. Somehow getting in. Like many millennials, I grew up playing this fucking Sims chat. It's giving. It's giving. We've like reminisced. This is it. Whoever gave us the original. the good old days the original Sims person well done you've created an item it's like many millennials I grew up playing The Sims on a family computer the family computer as well having to take turns the arguments the black eyes that I used to get from my brother my younger brother third child never got a look in never I like others I have tortured my share of Sims in bizarre ways yes I've done the fire with no door and pool with no steps everyone I've spent hours playing out my alternate reality dating an ex who it didn't work out with etc but my favorite sims experiment experiment was the creation of a character named arnold home i carefully crafted arnold's personality giving him the worst possible traits i then let him loose on the sim neighborhood systematically seducing married women even men breaking up marriages and creating an entire generation of half siblings who called Arnfield their ten minutes.

12:50Anna Williamson:Maybe there's a thought here, girls. Maybe this is going to go wild that actually, maybe computer games are a good thing to sort of play out these weird shit that you don't do in real life. Does The Sims still exist? Does it? Well, I'm like an app. Like a game that you can play on Nintendo or something. You can get it on your phone. I might go down the Sims route. I think we might be downloading Sims today. Just after all of our chat about how terrible phones are in Monday's episode. We're grown ups. We can do it. She goes on to say, also I will say, I'm otherwise a normal person. You see, I've never tortured animals.

13:25Anna Williamson:I actually go out of my way to help animals in need. I wouldn't hurt a fly. Yes. Now doth protest, my dear. I'm a caring and loving person with a respectable job, family and friends. It's just the Sims. Somehow the game allowed me to exercise some psycho part of my subconscious. That's what you were saying. I think it is. We've all got this sort of like little demon on the shoulder. We just need to air it somewhere, but we'd never do it in real life. Well, the problem is maybe nowadays the kids aren't playing The Sims, airing their psycho subconscious. This is what I'm saying, Lou. Maybe it's a good thing.

13:56This crazy psychoness is like filtering out onto social media. We should bring back, we should call it Sims behind closed doors. Psycho Sims subconscious. But then where's the line?

14:08Anna Williamson:There's the line. Well, she's grown up to be fine with Arnold. But then you could have someone going around murdering people. Well, a few slip through the net. That's just lying. And creating half-siblings called Arnold with a dad called Arnold. Hey, Arnold. Interesting. Well, this is going in Enzo's favour of me saying yes to Among Us. No, I have said that. But there needs to be... I might have to have the caveat chat, though. If you turn into a mass murderer and you start killing snails and stuff, it's a hard no. Yeah. It's not happening. I think it's snails, all right. It's a slippery slope, Lou.

14:39That's just triggered a childhood memory. It's a slippery slope. I know. Did you used to pour salt on slugs? Yes. To watch them die? Yes, and curl up and shrivel, yes. Have you not done that?

14:47Anna Williamson:And did you not try to chop worms in half to see if they turn into two? Yes. Yes, I did. I didn't go that far of chopping. No, I did. But I did used to put salt on slugs to make them shrivel up and die. No, no, no. That's terrible. You've never done that? No. We were proper country kids, like living on a farm. Salt on slugs is quite a thing. Yeah, we did so much shit with wildlife, like me and my brothers. Yeah. We did. That's all we did. We'd get out kids. What other wildlife did you do shit to? Well, just captured creatures. We didn't do bad shit, but we're just interested. We did cut up worms and pour salt on slugs.

15:24Anna Williamson:I did pour salt on slugs. I'm sure we made campfires and roasted a bug or something. Actually, I just remember my brother and I were... We were feral. We were country kids. We'd capture snails and put them in Tupperware and we'd make them a habitat. Yeah, that's really... Yeah, that's really... If Mike had sent you anything like that, we need to do more stuff like this. I've been doing it at school. It's really sweet. That's girls for you. It ends when we're doing that. Little girl, they found snails. They've now got pet snails. And they've done a pet obstacle course with snails. And you do build them there.

15:51Anna Williamson:Really cute. Like putting sticks in and shit. When we bought Crumble, we let him choose his own name. So we each had a name that we wanted to call him. I thought you were going to say, he's a creme brulee. He's an apple crumble. Go to the one you want. We each wrote a name on a piece of paper. And then we put it on the floor. And then we put Crumble at the other side of the room. And then he ran towards his name. What were the other options? I wanted Crumpet. That's nice. That's good. Crumpet. Crumble. Fingelstein. No. That was my dad's name. Absolutely not. What else was there? I can't remember.

16:25Anyway, he chose Crumble. Well, there it is. There you go. There it is. Yeah. Right, we've got a voice note from Jolie next.

16:34Anna Williamson:Good morning, Luanamo. Hey, darling. You're all good and all that jazz. All that shit. I just wanted to pop a message that's not a rant. It's like the opposite of a rant. And I don't know if this is a new thing or something we can change. But, you know, something that you spot and you think, actually, I can really get on board with that or I really like it. And this is so niche and I've mentioned it to my friends before and they all just frown upon it. But I absolutely love it when I've done my food shop and I'm getting back in the car and I'm driving out and, you know, you've got to let people out, etc., of their parking space.

17:07Anna Williamson:i love it when i see people especially women specifically women eating the shopping that they've just bought oh i'm just like always a bit of french you couldn't even wait to get home you needed that snack you needed a bite of that french bread yeah french bread that mars bath from the meal deal you know you just yes they are my type of me too mate and was dipping in the minstrels and counters etc yes yes yes they're just my favorite type of people um i was just wondering if that was a new thing to start not rants but things that you like a bit niche that you like looking forward to seeing you all at the big party in october me and my friend each are coming down yeah well done love you lots love you too love that so yeah niche things we like i always eat the gelsberg or have these like cheese slices gels oh jailsberg oh jailsberg oh yummy Garlsburg I like those cheese slices and for me some olives I don't think I can possibly get out of a supermarket without taking the top off the French stick and shoving it as I'm pushing the trolley out what's your penchant?

18:14in the supermarket after your shop

18:17Anna Williamson:I always do an M &S or a multi-pack of crisps that always gets raided by someone I had a phase really randomly like randomly just throwing in a pack of like chocolate eclairs and having a chocolate eclair on the way home. In the car. Which is really odd. Is there anything better than a car snack? I'd never normally go for them. But a random car snack after a supermarket shop. I love that. A little treat while you're sitting in the car. What is your treat? Right. One of your faves, Anna. A petty polly from Jade. Hi, she says, I'm Jade. I'm a Brit living in New Zealand. Lots of sheep. Lots of sheep.

18:54Anna Williamson:Lots of greenery. My husband is a notorious man-child. and doesn't do enough to help me out with life and kids. So to really piss him off, I unplug his things. Computer. It's just so good and simple. It's why I love this item. It's so simple. It's just so me. Because it is annoying. It is. If you go to do something and it's unplugged, you're like, oh. And it's just so me because inherently I am a really nice person, but equally I've got a little evil side when this pisses me off, like when my husband pisses me off. So I unplug his things. Xbox. but my favourite thing is his multicoloured light-up piece of shit keyboard, which he refuses to turn off.

19:33Anna Williamson:So the middle of the night, it lights up like Vegas. He gets in such a frantic panic that it's broken. I've been doing it regularly. He thinks that something paranormal is going on. So I, of course, extended it further to his office chair loosening screws. Oh, she's gone for it. I love seeing his stupid face, looking all shocked. See? See, it's happened again. Whilst I'm thinking, what a twat. P.S. I did take it a little too far and I broke the chair. But then again, he's now sitting on an old dining chair. So the pleasure. Oh, my. She's so evil. Oh, you are evil. And I love it. I love the pod, ladies.

20:08Anna Williamson:It's kept me smiling through the worst no-show summer in New Zealand. Love you. Oh, I'm sorry to hear it's been a bit miso, but we've brightened up the day. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, that is good. Just like, take that. Now you're on your dining chair. I've actually thought of a new. Alex hasn't pissed me off for a while, to be fair. He's been a pretty good husband, actually, recently. but he had a really crap night's sleep last night I thought where's he gone and apparently the Alexa had gone off downstairs and the radio came on at like you know 2.30 that's the time and sometimes it does it but now I'm thinking when he pisses me and then he came back to sleep again because he went downstairs I'm going to set the timer to come on at 2.30am because it doesn't wake you up no no I sleep like the dead when Andrew annoys me I would catch a fart and then I'd put it in his face love that yeah cupcake nothing better than a cupcake cupcake right we've got a voice note Petty Polly now from Steph Hi Lou Animo my name's Steph Hi babe I love you girls and the pod and all that jazz just voice noting in with a Petty Polly so when my other half has royally fucked me off and I have a food shop that gets delivered every Saturday morning I purposely get in the shower for when the shopping is about to arrive because I track it on the tracker and as soon as I know that man's going to turn around the corner I jump in the shower so I don't have to deal with it.

21:36Anna Williamson:I have actually done this before myself. That's all. Thanks. I get the Ocado thing saying we've just arrived, we're unpacking your shopping and sometimes I do leg it upstairs into the en suite knowing that Alex has to be pulled out of his study to intercept because I can't be arsed. I can relate to that. Oh, it's too good. Boom! No! Come on! Kids, what should we order for dinner? Pizza! Thai! Tacos! Hey boys, let's not get loco. What kind of restaurant sells pizza, Thai, and tacos? I'll never please all my guys. Why can't we have food without the fire? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants and one delivery, so your family never has to compromise.

22:22Download the app today. Wonder, food without the fight. We've got a message from a non, so souffle. Hi, girls, including Becca, who that other catty girl is just jealous of. The Mike Nosey spot you've got on the best pod ever.

22:37Anna Williamson:There you go, Bex. Love the pod, obs. And I have a quick question for not Luana, but you, Imo. Oh, there she is. Answer question of the week. Stop, blacklight. When it comes to Widow of the Week, Do you select the weirdest candidates and then have a little bet with yourself who will win? Or do you pick them sort of in mind of what the girls will think is weird? Or do you just pick them at random? Same for the advice messages you choose. Do you pick them at random? Or do you select ones that you think will spark a good convo or be helpful for listeners? Don't keep me in on, but I love the pun names.

23:10So call me Souffle. Over to you, Imogen. Behind the curtain.

23:13Anna Williamson:Give us the secrets of the producer. Yeah. Well, what I do basically is when stuff comes in, I'll set like a date and I'll go, this is the Luana content day. Then I read about seven billion emails, seven billion WhatsApp. But keep them coming in. And if they're good, I'll stick them in a document and I will categorize them. So I'll stick all the advice emails on one page. I didn't even know that Imo does this, by the way. I did know this. All the Weirdo of the Weeks on another page, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. and then when i go to script i'll have them all there to refer to banked so they're all banked um with weirdos it tends to be kind of at random um so yeah and then with the advice stuff it's semi at random they're all really good advice pieces are all stuff that we can talk about but i do try and schedule it so that like if on week one we're talking about some like domestic violence domestic violence thing we wouldn't then do that like two weeks in a row for example i try and vary it so maybe like week one is a friendship dilemma week two something's going on in relationship week three something's going on with a neighbor blah blah blah blah so i do try and space them out um good but yeah that's just you see guys our producer that's why extraordinary yep she is we try and we just turn up yeah we love it love it thanks for the question good one and Imogen yes we would like to thank you yes oh thank you you're very welcome thank you you're welcome for all your hard work and thank you listeners for sending in decent stuff you are absolute babes guys honestly each and every one of you voice note rant from Katie she's also a babe Katie or is she well let's see depends if she slags us off don't speak too soon Anna you're an absolute bitch.