TOTALLY EXTRA: Stoma Pockets, Pissy Toothbrushes & Clittergate

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions on bants and general explicit content, but you're here and you know that you love it because it's Thursday and this is Luana and it's totally extra and I just wanted to let you all know, welcome.

0:25Anna Williamson:morning guys good to see you happy thursday i like your that was that was you could be in tower that was that your tower audition do you think you mean like so this is so cool imagine speaking like that yeah don't australians speak like that they go up at the end of every Isn't that okay? Oh my God. Actually, we've got a lot of Australian listeners out. We do. I wonder why. Are we being boosted in Australia? We are. We do. I think there is some sort of boosting situation going on. If we were to be sponsored by a chocolate bar, it would be boost. It would be boost, wouldn't it? I keep eating chocolate recently.

1:06I don't know what's wrong with me. Periods. I don't even like chocolate. Are you perioding again? But I've been eating a lot of chocolate. No, definitely not. Definitely not, babes. I cannot be pregnant because I just need to drink so much tequila.

1:19Anna Williamson:Well, listen, you know, let's see if any of you lot have been drinking tequila and done anything funny. Because, of course, this is totally extra. This is the episode all about you and your shenanigans. Let's kick in with a message from Verity first. Hello, she says. Just heard you talking about poo in the Viking Museum. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, we need to go. We do. There is an actual National Poo Museum on the Isle of Wight. There it is. Their tagline is, have you been? That's so good. Sign them up instantly for marketing. I think I'm right in saying they accept celebrity donations to display. You should do it.

1:56Anna Williamson:We should do it. We should. Yes, we should. Our shit could be famous. I'm going to go down the Google rabbit hole in a minute. Look this up. We'll donate our shit. Thanks, Verity. Thank you for that. Whilst we look into that, we've got a voice note from Doris. Hi Luanamo, just thought I would message in and tell you all the story about what happened to me this morning with my two year old daughter out of the mouths of babes, as they say. So I had some guy come around to fit my Wi-Fi box because I recently moved. And as he was finishing up, he was stood talking to me about how the Wi-Fi runs and like talking me all through it.

2:36Anna Williamson:He had his hands kind of placed near his waist. This will make sense in a sec. And he had a big watch on display on his wrist. My daughter notices the watch, takes a liking to it and starts running up to him, putting her head near the watch while as close to it as she can and going, wow, look at that clock. Only it didn't sound like clock. It sounded like cock. So there she was running backwards and forwards. Wow, look at that clock. Look at that cock. and I was just I was just like haha yeah because he had his hand like on his waist it kind of did it just looked very weird and wrong and I had to say to him oh I think she likes your watch yeah so that he understood but it was very uncomfortable I had to just kind of laugh and ignore it and she was running around screaming look at the cock yeah kids so how was that I'm not sure how I'll recover from that one but I'm sure I will hope you're all having a good day oh give me a granny name because yeah I'm anonymous so when Elle in her phonics she loves her phonics the spellings at the moment and obviously going through what rhymes with and she had great fun with what rhymes with miss the other day and obviously piss came out don't react don't react I can't help but react because I'm immature.

4:10We've got a message from a non, so Joy. Joy says, hi, do you want this? No, no, no. Did I read the last one? No, I don't know, but you go for it then. I'll read it. Hi, Luanna Moe. Love the pod and all that jazz. Please keep me non for obvious reasons, which I'm hoping will come out. Give me a granny name. Currently listening to the back catalogue, Sayer, Anna.

4:28Anna Williamson:You could all go back and listen to all of the previous Luanna episodes. There we go. Thank you. She's in deep. She's in summer 2023, where you were begging for nurse stories. So I thought I'd share some of mine. I used to work in quite a large maximum security prison. Wow. Wow, as a nurse. We used to have a couple of frequent flyers that kept us very busy and provided us with great stories. One patient in particular enjoyed a good, shocked reaction from us nurses and would do whatever he could to get there. This patient would... Oh. Oh, my giddy aunt. Oh, he needed to be in a mental hospital, not a person.

5:08Anna Williamson:I mean, this is... This patient... I ain't laughing. ...would regularly cut his stoma. That's the stoma bag. Yeah, yeah. And he'd pull out his intestines, as he knew this would mean a trip to the hospital, as it's a medical emergency. The only problem with this is when he was in the hospital and the prison guards were often distracted... Oh, my gosh. He would then use his stoma as a little handbag and begin to insert whatever he could get his hands on into the stoma. Stop it. One day, on returning from the hospital, he beeped going through the metal detector. Yeah. So he was brought to the clinic to empty out his stoma.

5:50Stop it. Let me tell you, it was like Mary Poppins' bag, the amount that came out. Two razor blades, his standard hiding place for them, a pair of scissors and a random 10 centimetre metal rod covered in shit. I would not believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. He was fine, continued to use his stoma as a storage spot until he finally got a reversal and the stoma purse is no more.

6:18Anna Williamson:Well, I never. That is wild, isn't it? And that is why we love all of your stories, because you do some crazy jobs. That is probably one of the most weirdest things I've ever heard. Weird? Thank you for sharing it, though. Weird and desperate. Oh, my God. Bloody hell. Also, I do think he might have not been in the right place and perhaps a mentally secure prison would have been a better place. I mean, I don't think you're right if you're pulling your intestines out, are you? And sticking a couple of razor blades. Can I just say, talking about doing things that aren't right, there's a new thing on Netflix, Luan, a little watch along here,

6:57called Real Life Bunny Boiler or Real Life Fatal Attraction. So it's a new documentary, it's just one off, one episode, British people. I'm in. And it's about this girl. I won't tell you everything, but it's about this girl that becomes obsessed with this guy who's a barrister. He ends up being, it's like proper facial attraction. She is fucking gone. Right, I'll watch that tonight. And she does something also very strange to herself. Don't tell me, don't tell me. I'm going to watch that. It's just an hour. See, I watched it on the plane actually. Oh, okay. A good little one to watch. Right, nice little one to watch.

7:29Love that. Thank you, Lou. I don't know why we like watching these weird crime things. I know, I know. It makes me,

7:33Anna Williamson:I was watching Handmaid's Tale last night and then I just couldn't sleep because I was just like, brain goes weird. It was wild, but it's a true story. So I think it's called, yeah, The Real Life Fatal Attraction. It's currently on Netflix. I'm going to watch that. Thanks, Lou. Right, our brand new feature. We're gagging for it. So this week on We're Gagging For It, we have asked for your best life hack. We've thrown it out on socials. You have come back with some interesting answers. So let's just run these down, Lou. So first up, someone says, so best life hack. When you go on holiday, instead of taking loads of adapters that you'll probably lose on an annual basis, take an extension cord, one adapter, five sockets for all the charges needed.

8:12Anna Williamson:This is good. Love that. I do this, but instead of taking an extension cord, I just buy the adapter now. And it's like got the plugs in it and the USBs. Got it. Very clever. Love that. Sneezing while squeezing through an amber light just in case they can't find you. interesting wow next one a cheeky wank eases period pain yes it does and anger tried that scrunched up brown bag by the open back door keeps flies out because they think it's a wasp's nest really another life hack don't have kids that's a brilliant one to get rid of hiccups say I'm a fish over and over again out loud it works 100 % of the time takes a few goes but it works I'm a fish I'm a fish I'm a fish I'm not sure about that one.

9:02Next one.

9:03Anna Williamson:So this is these life hacks. Wear a bitch face everywhere to stop people talking to you. It's a good one. Brilliant. Tin fall on the windows to keep the heat out and to black out the room. Yeah. Genius. It's a good one. And then the last one we picked out to get Sharpie marker off something, use alcohol gel or hand sunny. Interesting. These are good. That Sharpie one's good. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. That's this week's We're Gagging For It. Obviously, keep an eye on our socials for next week's We're Gagging For It. You can follow us on Instagram through an Instagram. Open the app now and follow at everything underscore Luana.

10:01Anna Williamson:Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

10:11Anna Williamson:Right, next up, voice note rant from Roxanne. Roxanne! Hi, Luanamo. It's Roxanne from Hertfordshire. Just coming on again for my weekly rant, which, yeah, it's great. This is my therapy. I love it. Thank you, girls. Retail shops. So I've been going into some retail stores. Why is it that customer service representatives at these shops just don't give a fuck about their jobs anymore? Like, they do not care. Oh, have you got any of these? Have you got any more of these? What we've got, Sal, that is literally the most common one and it does my head in. I just think, well, go and fucking have a look.

10:47Anna Williamson:Like, it can't be everything in the stores. Ow. Otherwise, why have you got a big old fucking warehouse at the back? So that annoys me. and then the other one is oh you could order it online well i wouldn't be coming to a shop if i wanted to order online i would have just ordered it online um so yeah that really annoys me i just feels like they can't be bothered the attitude is poor um there's no work ethic there no having said that shout out to the welling garden city branch of wicks where i went the other day um and this helpful lovely lovely store assistant man called steve um shout out to steve he was so helpful knew where everything was come on Steve offered me an alternative when I was a bit struggling with what I needed and yeah just a great guy so yeah shout out to Steve the rest of you can fuck off love that you see Steve is just standing and doing his thing that's what it's all about big up Steve right message from Benji next train toilet poo party it says brilliant it says I'll keep this short and pootifully sweet thank you to the lady sharing her traumatic train toilet story last week and congratulations on unlocking a clearly repressed memory from me.

11:57Anna Williamson:I was riding a train home from London Bridge with an hour to go, absolutely dying for a wee, when I thought I'd brave the train toilet. Oh, what a mistake. The door slid open and I was greeted by what I can only describe as a poo party. What? Ew. Oh. Turds galore. Next to the sink on the wall, on the ceiling. What the fuck? East to their own, but I've never thought, my log would look better as a bit of wall decor. Ew. Safe to say I didn't go for a wee in the end. Oh, no. Poo pickies are attached. Lots of love, Benji. Oh, no. Here we go. Do we dare? I'm half hiding my eyes. Go on, Emma. Oh, Lou, I mean, sorry.

12:33Anna Williamson:You're doing. Oh, my God. There's an actual chod on the wall. And then nuggets on the sink. Oh, this is making me want to vomit. No, stop. Go, Lou. I know. Lou's about to throw. I can't watch it. It was the tissue stuck to the wall. Oh, gosh. Oh, no. There's one in the corner. oh no it's like a spider but it's not it's a poo and another poo i mean this is a oh

13:03that person must have been on drugs why would you do that who does that what kind of people are walking amongst us do you know what i

13:14Anna Williamson:feel really sorry for the poor person that's got to clean that that's i think i mean you'd have to go in actually with like a power jet wash. That's what I was just thinking. And a full hazmat suit, whatever you call it. Then that causes a train delay. What is wrong with people? But who does that? Who thinks? I'm just going to pick up my turds. These are people that we're walking amongst. These freaks. Do you know what, Lou? I've decided, I've actually decided I'm going to make an announcement. I am going to stay in my hot fuzz, Vicar of Dibley, forever. I'm closing the doors on the village and I'm never coming out again.

13:48That is just so bad. Bad. It's bad.

13:51Anna Williamson:Right, come on, Lisa. Let's see if you can up the ante here. Voice note rant from you, babes. That's the most disgusting thing that I've ever seen. It's disgusting. My name is Lisa. I am really sick and fed up of shops. Why they insist on putting small shoes at the top and big shoes at the bottom, I just can't figure out. Clearly. it's obvious that tall people have big feet and short people have little feet I can't reach the top shelf so why do they keep putting them that way around and they'll blow me I went to Tesco's the other day and they're doing this with the socks I had to get something to knock off a pair of socks why why I just don't understand it why can't they put them the other way around it's not difficult anyway I tried to tell somebody in the shop but my daughter said that it would be embarrassing and that I couldn't do that so I did an email and when I got home um well on that message chat thing that they have and they said they would ask somebody but they haven't got back to me because there can't be a reasonable reason for that can there anyway that's it Lisa sounds very sad just common sense you just tell anybody put them the other way round she just feels so small and insignificant Lisa I mean she's so down Lisa poor Lisa literally low Lisa little Lisa we've got a petty poly now from a nonce of called you Morag Like, hi, ladies.

15:37Love the pod and all that shit. Just catching up. Toddler and newborn hell for me at the moment. Oh, bless you. Yes, I know, Louisa. What was I thinking? I ask myself this daily. I've been there, babes. But I was listening to the story of the lady who took great pleasure in covering her husband's bottle brush in random shit. And it made me think of a petty potty that I do to my partner. God, I love this speech. You know that. I used to ask him day in, day out to, number one, either not brush his teeth in the shower. or two, just put it back on the stand once he's finished with it. Such a simple task, you may think, but oh no.

16:10Every day, that fucking toothbrush is still there lying on the floor of the shower. All the hairs and... So do you know what I do? Go on. You've guessed it. I look at it and I think, well, I needed to take a piss, so fuck it. And that's what I'll do. I even said to him, you do know, I'll piss on it. But I think he thought I was bluffing. Oh, how wrong you are. thank you for all the laughs and helping me get through this newborn and toddler hell that I'm in please keep it on give me a granny name so he brushes teeth and Sharon leaves it on the floor and she gets in the shower and does a piss she warned him she warned him fairs fairs

16:43Anna Williamson:I'd say I'd say fairs next one confessions I've never told anyone this but first up here we go what have we got into the vault today hi both love you love the pod it definitely keeps me entertained whilst I'm working please keep this anonymous as I'm pretty sure my ex listens to your pod. I'd only just come out as a lesbian and in the haste of finally being out to the world, I got with a girl my friend had introduced me to. I went on a date and I went back to hers. Whilst making my way to the southern region, I noticed the funky smell. I thought nothing of it as we had been on the tube and London tube hop-woff is a thing.

17:22I think I'm really boring now because I do like a clean body before I get down to business.

17:28Anna Williamson:Oh, babes, I ain't got anywhere near it. Unless I'm really pissed. I don't like rolling in and not having a wash or them having a wash. No, you've got to be having a wash. I say them, I'm not sleeping with other people. I mean my husband. Yeah, you've got to have a clean. You've got to have a clean gooch. Yeah, I just don't want to. You've got to have a clean gooch. Listen to this. It's too good to miss. Oh, no. Rude on. There we are. So she went, London Shoe Hoff Woff is a thing. Yes, it is. When she opened her legs, I couldn't help but notice as the lips parted. Oh, well, I can only describe as being.

17:57Have you experienced this, Emma? She has. Look, she has.

18:02Anna Williamson:No, I haven't. As being stringy, melted cheese clung to both of her lips. That's the yeast. She was probably ovulating. That's ovulation slime. It's like the snot. Yeah. Desperate. It's the egg white stuff, isn't it? Desperate to be polite and not offend, I held back the urge to gag and asked if she could go and clean up. Oh, she did. When she came back, I finally arrived downstairs with the first lick. I noticed a strong salty taste as if I was licking a horse's salt lick. The hoof. You know about the hoof. No longer able to hold back heaving, I heaved, which really upset her. Oh no, that's really bad.

18:43Anna Williamson:I feel really sorry for both of them. She asked what was wrong in a really timid voice. Not knowing what to say and becoming more and more anxious, I've alerted... This is so awkward. So awkward. Do you eat a lot of salt? She was furious with me asking what kind of question that this was. So I decided to leave as I was not going to go back down there. Upon walking past her mother, who I did not realise was downstairs, I got asked, is everything okay? Before I could open my mouth and say anything, the girl shouted downstairs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. She said my pussy tastes like salt.

19:21Anna Williamson:I ran out of the house. and I immediately called my friend who introduced us and told her the story. This girl has been dubbed the Salt Lake and every now and again my best friend will hide a salt packet in my bag. God, I love lesbian humour. I hope this gave you a laugh. The mum's in the kitchen. Everything I want. You're okay, dear. She says my pussy smells like salt. Tastes like salt. It's a salt lake. Can I just say the second hand... I love salt. I could have chowed down on that. The secondhand embarrassment and everything is real. Oh my gosh. Right, that is so good.

20:00Right, next up. Hello, lovely ladies. I've been debating sharing this story for a while. I will laugh out loud if it doesn't get shared because this has been kept secret for many years. Anyway, 10 years ago, I went to a festival for the weekend. First one as an 18-year-old and without the parents. So it was going to go off. My friend and I were queuing to get into the festival and I managed to make friends with a slightly attractive guy, the same age as me. We ended up seeing him a couple of times and realised his tent was pitched a few tents down the hill from ours. The first night was big, drinks were flowing and we stumbled back to our tent for a couple of hours sleep before the sun rose.

20:37The second day we woke up to crack open a lukewarm, knock-off little dark fruit cider. The smell of BV and alcohol in the hot air. We go again. However, this day, we decided to make a bit of an effort and get into the festival spirit. So out came the face gems and glitter that my mum had bought me. The day goes on and once again, we stumbled back to the tent, got cosy before it started absolutely hammering it down. Suddenly, my tent zip opens and this mysterious figure comes in. Only when he started talking did I realise it's the guy from the queue and he seems to have just entered my tent unannounced and without invitation.

21:16One thing led to another. and well, my tent wasn't the only thing he entered. We woke up on the final day, hanging out of our arseholes, sat in our camping chairs and I tell my friend what happened last night to which she replied, knowing your luck, you'll probably have caught something now. We pack up our things and make our way back to our car with all the squished, uneaten brioche rolls we took with us. The tent that wouldn't fit in the bag properly and a broken trolley and I started getting uncomfortable in my minge. I thought... Minge-ish, minge-ish. I thought it must just be a bit of anxiety and I needed a good wash, not some horrible festival shower.

21:52Days passed, I couldn't get rid of the pain right in my clit and I plucked up the courage, went to a walking centre to confess to the judgmental nurse, oh they're not judgmental, that I'd had sex with a random man in a field and I think I caught an SCI. Good girl, you must go to the clinic. There I was on my back, legs spread, common sight to see for this lady. She's having a good look round, giving it a good old swab to send off to the lab. when her head pops up between my legs. Did you wear stick-on glitter at this festival? She said, well, yeah, it's the thing to do, I replied. She grabs her long tweezers from beside her and there it was, little gem from my home bargain's face sticker set jammed up in the hood of my clit.

22:34The relief was unbelievable when she took it out and I walked out of there like a new woman with a great story for the grandkids. safe to say I've never gone near glitter or those stickers ever again and my best friend and I laugh about clittergate every time we meet up also shout out to the man whose name I never remembered for not giving me an STI please keep me a non I have a rare name in my city but call me Rhonda after my gran loves ya I mean clittergate clittergate a little tiny gem nothing like a bit of glitter