TOTALLY EXTRA: Stretch and Seal, Swearing in front of Grandma & a Dental Nurse Confession

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know, you love it. Good morning. Or if you're listening in the afternoon, good afternoon, or it might be the evening, so good evening. Or maybe a night feed, just wherever you might be in the world. Welcome to Luana Totally Extra. please if you are listening to us on your favourite podcast platform press follow in the top right hand corner and aloha or aloha aloha aloha if you're watching on YouTube please do subscribe now

0:39Anna Williamson:and Becca's laughing at me because I did just accidentally spread my legs and now I'm going to sit in a more ronteel thank God because those watching on YouTube cannot see that vag how's the camel toe today Right, listen, this is an episode about you, not about us. And I'm dying to see what Sheila the Squealer has got to say. She sent us a Petty Polly in. She says, hi, ladies, please give me the name of Sheila the Squealer. And I've got a Petty Polly. I work in an office and there's one member of staff who's basically a complete and utter bellend. Over the last year, me, let's call him Roger, I've had a few foolings out.

1:19Roger the Rat. Well, now at any opportunity, try and throw anyone under the bus. He sounds like a knob. Roger is a bit of a weirdo too, as when he enters the office, he will remove his shoes and leave them by the door. We have a gravel path leading to the office door, and often shoes will drag in pebbles and sharp bits of gravel. When Roger pisses me off, looks in my direction, or offers everyone a cup of tea and forgets to ask me, I go to the door and I hunt for the sharpest bit of gravel and I pop it in one of his shoes. And I now sleep soundly at night knowing Roger, put his shoes on, get stabbed in the toe by my carefully selected stones and then he has to remove his shoe to empty out the contents.

2:03Moral of the story, don't be like Roger the Rat. Thanks ladies for everything you do. Love, Sheila the Squealer. Excellent, excellent Petty Polly.

2:11Anna Williamson:Brilliant Petty Polly. We've also got one from Kim. She says, Petty Polly, short and sweet. Hi ladies, I have a short but sweet and maybe mental Petty Polly for you. So when I experience a bad driver on a dual carriageway, I don't honk my horn or flash my lights. I simply take them over and as I pass them, I blow them kisses. This is particularly enjoyable when it's a man and they know that they've done wrong. They're totally stunned and I love it. Sometimes I throw in a little wave as well. Give it a go. It makes you look mental, but it's funny. Love the pod. You crack me up. No need to keep me non.

2:42Anna Williamson:I'm Kim and I'm from Gospel. Hi, Kim. Brilliant. We've got some misheard lyrics now from Stephen. Hello, Luanna, Imo, and of course, Bex. Of course, we have to mention Bex now because she's part of the pod. This is my first time messaging on the new number. Hopefully, it'll get on the pod. I've got a misheard lyric that I'd like to share. Now, I don't know if anyone's put this on the pod before, but if they have, you can take it off. Or if they haven't, I would love for it to be on the pod. Now, this one's actually about the Abba song, Super Trooper. and it's about the line that goes I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night from Glasgow and when I was younger I used to think it was when I called you last night from Tesco I thought it was Memphis it just came up to me when I was listening to ABBA anyway just thought it was funny and thought you'd like it no need to keep me anonymous my name is Stephen from Liverpool aka the same guy who loves the gag warning stories just to hear Luanna gag really.

3:50Love the part, girls. Bye. Well, you taught Lu that. Well, I thought it was when I called you last night from Memphis. How did I get that so wrong? No. Very wrong. It's not even got the same ring to it. No, not really.

4:05Anna Williamson:I mean, Tesco, you can see. Tesco, Glasgow, but Memphis. Not Memphis, babes. I don't know why. Well, there you go. Thank you, Stephen. Anyway, there we go. Right, message from Anonymous next. So, Frieda Nipple. Frieda Nipple. Brilliant. Hi, Luanna Moe. Love the pod and it keeps me going at work during lots of soul-destroying admin. Bless your heart. Please keep me anonymous, but I need some advice regarding a school mum. Ooh, here we go then. I have a busy work life and only do pick-ups one to two days a week, so I'm not a huge one for school mums or making friends at the school gates. Maybe just smile and chat, but it's not something that's overly important to me and I'm very introverted anyway.

4:39Anna Williamson:Well, that's fair enough, huh? recently one of the school mums has latched on to me and she's nice and i do really like her however i'm finding it way way too much she texts me constantly and if i don't reply i get the you okay text and yeah i'm fine it's just 2 p.m on a monday and i'm at work we both have kids with special needs however we lead very different lives her child is massively significant oh i feel for her though has massively massively significant needs and to be honest her husband is a prick. I feel I want to be a good friend but I honestly can't handle the constant commentary on her life.

5:12Anna Williamson:She's also quite dramatic and this is so not me. She was recently admitted to hospital for basically nothing and the drama around this and the calling me to, oh dearie, to go on about every movement in the hospital. It's too much. Oh, it's because she's got nothing going on. Well, she has. She's got a kid with significant needs. Well, yeah, but she clearly is lonely. I've stopped, I've tried to stop and being, which is a good thing, I think, yeah, tried to stop being so available and drag out the text back but she doesn't get the hint and to be honest I've got the friend ick how do I reverse out of this I want to be kind I would never want to hurt her but I think we have different styles oh that is hard you just just distance just keep distancing be kind and distant like yeah back it up like really prolong out the text try and not do school pick up for a few weeks so you don't see her and then just phase it out yeah and maybe if in your text you could just say you know something like you know really really busy you know sorry busy you know you don't yeah yeah just to kind of almost boundary your time when she calls well i think yeah and i think it's really hard to boundary your time and do it in a way that doesn't sound like a dick but equally she has been quite drained but equally i do have empathy and sympathy for her it sounds like life is really hard for her but that doesn't mean that you have to step in what doesn't mean you have to step in and rescue her keep your boundary keep being kind but yeah don't be don't be too available good luck with that.

6:30We've got a voice note rant from Laura next. Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. Okay, Emma's not quite ready with that, so she's doing a song.

6:42Anna Williamson:So, I do have a rant of the week. My mother-in-law calls Klingfilm stretch and seal. Who the fuck calls that stretch and fucking seal? It's even on the packet. Klingfilm. It's fucking Klingfilm. Sorry, but it really fucking winds me up. Don't need to keep me anonymous. I'm Laura and I'm from Guernsey. Do you know what I just realised? Oh, yeah? We call it clean film and it's called cling film. Cling film, yeah. What do you call it? When you say we... You just said it. You used to say cling film. No, cling film. What do you call it? Clean film? Did you think it was clean film? Clean film. I've just realised that it's called cling, as in cling.

7:31Yeah, as in cling on. As it clings to the food. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, cling film. And you've ever seen it written on the box? Oh, yeah, but I don't know why. I've just always called it clean film. Well, that's okay, babes. You can call it that. But it is cling film. Yes, it is. It's called cling film.

7:45Anna Williamson:It clings to the thing it's trying to cling and look after. Well, I've just got that. Well, do you know, I was this old when. Have you never read the packet? Yeah, but it's just never. Registered. Yeah. Well, I say. I blame my mother. because she's clearly been saying it wrong my whole life. And she says prosheco. And she says prosheco and advocado. And advocado, yeah. And like other shit. Endomame. Yeah, it's your mum's fault. So it's 100 % my mum. It's basically her fault. Because she's a dumb fuck. And I've developed dumb fuckitis. You have, with clean film. Pronunciationitis. With clean film.

8:18Anna Williamson:Well, you've learned a lot today. You've learned it's not Memphis in the Abba song. This is an educational ep. And this is an educational ep. Right, Beryl, let's see what Beryl's got to say. She says, hello, you lush lot. Little story I know you're going to appreciate. We live in a beautiful little village in North Devon by the sea, the kind of place people describe as peaceful, which should have been my first clue. While out walking the dog recently, my daughter Nancy ran off her head, rolling around happily in the wildflowers, and when she came back, her awful crushed black velvet trek suit, not my choice, was absolutely covered in fine white sand, her hair, closed face, like she'd been deliberately seasoned, that's when it hit me this isn't just sand this is a village where a lot of people have scattered the ashes of their loved ones which means my daughter hadn't been rolling in nature she had been rolling in the ashes of dead people she was thrilled radiant living her best feral coastal childhood I meanwhile stood there stood there holding a dog lead wondering how exactly you explain this at bath time anyway safe to say the tracksuit was placed respectively in the dog pee pin before we got in the car.

9:26I'm not sure if there are laws against this. So maybe I'm not going to give you my name. However, everyone knows Nancy.

9:31Anna Williamson:Love you. I mean, fair. She rolled in ashes. Rolled in dead person's ashes. Brilliant. Great story, though. Voice note from Katie. Hello, Luanamo. I hope you are all well. I am just sending a quick voice note on the back of kids swearing and putting us in bloody awful positions. So I have a four-year-old who thinks he's probably eight or nine. He knows way more than he should do. And God knows where he's getting it all from. However, the other day, I'm with my mother-in-law. She had looked after him while I'd been on a work thing. I came home and we're having a conversation about what we're allowed to say and what we're not allowed to say.

10:13Because my mother-in-law came out with, oh, crikey. And he went, you're not supposed to say that. That's swearing. and I said actually oh crikey isn't that bad and he said okay so I'm allowed to say oh crikey that's not swearing he said but oh fuck it's isn't it well my jaw dropped her jaw dropped she tried telling him off I'm trying not to laugh but also trying to really politely explain no no darling that is definitely swear words so we're not supposed to say that okay well I won't say oh fuck then because that's naughty um what about um holy shit is that swearing as well we went for it yes darling okay well i must say holy shit and it was almost like he was taking yes pride out of being able to say it he's almost then talking about my boy does well my mother-in-law was mortified um and tried to like tell him off i'm trying to kind of politely explain no no no uh You can't be saying that, darling.

11:12I'm trying to explain it all nicely in front of my mother-in-law. Anyway, so I hope that will make you laugh as much as it did me deep inside while I'm trying to be a strict parent. Also, congratulations to Bex and Al on getting engaged. Shout out to you guys. All the fun is just about to begin. As someone who works in the travel industry, can I please suggest a lovely wedding abroad on the beach? I did it, albeit 10 years ago. So surprises are slightly more than I did it. But you will get so much more for your money and so many more memories. There is nothing like going on holiday with all your favourite people, being in the sun, getting married on the beach and just having the best time ever.

11:55It's really gone in with the rec for bets. And people can come out for as little or as long as they want to. And you will find that some people can't make it. But they are probably the people that you are going to look back on and not going to miss in my experience. anyway have a lovely day love you guys bye that was a very nice message thank you so much

12:13Anna Williamson:and also with the kids side of things as well Enzo the other day was in the kitchen and he just something happened he turned around and he flipped the bird no he was in the bath he flipped the bird at his sister and I went I beg your pardon I said I didn't say anything and I was like you did I said you did a finger gesture so you know exactly what that is and I said I will not have that I said where did you pick that up from he went literally hang on And he went, where did you get that from? I said, that's not okay. And he went, well, you did it to Dave in the pub last week. And I remember he's absolutely right.

12:44Anna Williamson:My friend was taking the piss out of me, so I turned around and gave the middle finger. Well, you've taught him that. And so I had to, I was like, mommy's very naughty. Damn it. Little git. Right, message from Bryony. Hi, girls. I have just listened to the podcast with some creepy goings on. Oh, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. Love the ghost stories. I thought I would share some of my experiences. We moved into our forever home in September last year, a large, fairly large, detached 1930s house. The previous owners had lived there for over 60 years until the gentleman passed away and his wife moved to a care home.

13:17Anna Williamson:The first few weeks were quiet and our two-year-old daughter even continued to sleep through the night. Then we began to be woken up with loud banging. Think boxes falling and doors slamming around 2 to 3 a.m. every night. I first thought nothing of it. We lived in a mid-terrace property previously, so we were used to the everyday noises of our neighbours. I then remembered our neighbours were not attached. There was also no sign of any of our moving boxes or anything else falling through the night. Our daughter became more and more distressed screaming when she woke each night and refusing to not only sleep, but go into her bedroom.

13:46Anna Williamson:A couple of times she has said, look, mummy, man, when we had been in her room, but brushed it off as someone walking along the road, although I hadn't convinced myself. On a couple of occasions, I've come downstairs to the smell of a fried breakfast and the dog occasionally likes to bark at nothing, both in the downstairs bedroom. then one night I went to the loo and I heard voices downstairs the tv which I know I had turned off was on and playing to itself oh my husband went and turned the tv off poltergeist I was not brave enough it's like the Enfield hauntings you ever see that on the telly yeah oh the next morning I asked if there were any spirits in our house to either leave or at least be quiet not turn the tv on stand in my daughter's room or do anything else that might scare us that's what I was asked to do you have to talk to the spirits and tell them can you please go away since then everything has been isn't it since then everything has been fairly quiet and my daughter is back to sleeping in her own room it got better when I did it when I asked them to leave that wasn't until last Friday when stood in our hall my daughter asks mummy what's that man doing she repeated herself several times before I answered there's no man it's just me and you daddy's out we made it to the bottom of the stairs when she looks over the banister and again goes here mummy, what's that man doing?

15:04Anna Williamson:Our home has a really nice feel to it, warm, not at all creepy before anyone else we have no plans to move the spirits, they're stuck with us Bryony from Chichester. You need to sage Bryony Wow. Sage sage away. I did sage and I did exactly what you did, I asked them to please leave and we haven't had anything since Freaky. We've got a voice note rant from Katie next Hi Hi, Luana. Hi. I'm under no illusion that this probably isn't an issue for Louisa because she's too bougie for this, but I've got a rant about supermarket trolleys. Go on. The coin bits, particularly. Not the ones you put the slot in and slide in.

15:41They're fine. But why do they make the ones that you stick straight in the mechanism? Because you can't bloody get a grip on them to pull them out. Oh, my God, it's so bad. Especially because I've got, like, nail extensions. Yeah. I mean, mine aren't excessively long, but I'm sick of asking any old random and his granny to help me pull them out after I've been shopping. I just want to shop. Load the car, take the trolley back and not have a drama. Who invented these little bastards? I mean, it was probably a man. Let's face it. Anyway, rant over. I'm on the school run now, listening to the pod.

16:12You crack me up so much on my random car journeys. No need to keep you anonymous. I'm Katie from Newt Lawillows near Warrington. And thank you for being so brilliant. I love you girls.

16:25Anna Williamson:yeah that is an annoying trolley mechanism I don't understand that it's like a contraption all in one and you sort of click it in and then you can't get the bloody coin out it's like you have to sort of wedge it out with something I've never seen that before in my life but also do you know if you shop at a decent supermarket you don't have to pay for the trolley I think it depends what area you're in it's the area even a decent supermarket sometimes you have to still put your coin in your trolley Isn't it sad? It is sad. People are stealing trolleys. But people, yeah, it is what it is. Desperate for a trolley.

16:57Anna Williamson:Yeah. Right, time for some confessions. I've never told anyone this, but good morning, Luanna at M.O. and Bex. Loyal listener here. I listen to you lovely ladies every morning while getting myself ready for work. And you always put me in the best mood first thing in the morning. Thanks. It's safe to say I love the pod and all that jazz. After every episode, I always think if I have any embarrassing stories that I could send in. and it's finally come to me while trying to go to sleep and I had to email in straight away. I work as a dental nurse and if you didn't know, dental practices usually have a small group of staff members which includes dental nurse, dentist, receptionist and one to two managers.

17:35I started my career in a very small practice when I was 18 which I had to commute 40 minutes each way every day. I always struggled to get out of work for appointments or for personal reasons due to it taking up to an hour to get home and back and apparently they could not spare me for this long. During one lunch break, I felt a rumble in my tummy and immediately had intense pain. I knew that the moment had come. I would have to go for a poo in work. There were two toilets in the building, one in the staff room, one upstairs next to the offices, which was rarely used. So I sneakily crept up the stairs to realise the monster that was growing in my stomach.

18:13After successfully destroying the toilet upstairs, all while going unnoticed, I went to flush. After the water had settled there was my huge dump nestled at the bottom of the toilet. I searched around this tiny bathroom for anything to try and get my massive shite to disappear. I did contemplate scooping out the toilet but realised I would have nowhere to get it. My plan was then to get some hot water and hope that it broke it down to get rid of the evidence that I'd actually had to do a poo at work. That's a good strategy. I left the bathroom and my lunch break had ended and I had to get back in surgery to see our patients.

18:47So the poo had to wait. I had such a busy afternoon that I completely forgot about my abandoned poo until the next day I was helping the receptionist when our oldest and most outspoken nurse came down the stairs and announced to the whole practice that some dirty pig has used the toilet. And that's the shit for everyone to see. I put on my best performance. You joined in. You've got to join in. With all my colleagues saying how to How disgusting it was. Revolting. Later that day, I heard others whispering that one of the new dentists used that toilet regularly and it was 100 % her. And it kept going.

19:26I just sat there, nodded along, and I let this poor girl take the blame for my abandoned shit. I managed to go two years in that place without a soul knowing it was me who did this mystery poo and was involved in several conversations about who it would have been. This still makes me giggle when I think of this. And I actually cannot still believe that I got away with it. Thanks for keeping me saying lots of love. The owner of the mystery turd. You just have to keep denying.

19:54Anna Williamson:Deny, deny. Deny, deny. Oh, that's so funny. Next confession. Reflecting on the confession about sloths. Yes, do you remember? Oh, yeah, the dad pretending he loved sloths. And he's going to visit the sloths now. I have an update. Do you? Oh, go on. This isn't it. Go on. someone alerted me that they think that someone banter stole the sloth story. Oh. I know, because it was such a good story. Don't tell us that. Let us live in the believing. I thought you were going to say I've got an update. They've been on the holiday. The dad's left the sloth. I'm sure he did love us. We like to believe that.

20:37Anna Williamson:So she went, I realise I've done something similar with penguins. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and when we first started dating he mentioned that he liked penguins. As an 18 year old wanting to impress him I pretended to love them too. Over the years I've ended up with penguin themed items like cuddly toys, pyjamas, mugs I even participated in a private feeding experience with penguins which was quite an ordeal. Feeding them fish made me gag. While I was, I say stink penguins and while I was silently struggling my husband thought I was tearing up from happiness and hugged me.

21:11Anna Williamson:I've never told him the truth, but thankfully the penguin obsession has slowed down. Love it. Please give me a made-up name. Penny Gwynn.

21:22Imagine if I'd just been making it up about horses this whole time.

21:25Anna Williamson:This whole time. And me man with her donkeys. I did tell her about the donkey thing and she was laughing. Oh dear. Well, that is it for this week's Luanna Toti-Extra. We will, of course, be back on Monday with your usual dose of Luanna. please do keep bringing the brilliant stories and the great content our email is luanna at everythingluanna.com you can also send us a whatsapp or a voice note our numbers 075-610-215-64640 very good we remember that we did make sure you have followed us guys if you haven't already we'd also love for you to share any of our episodes with some friends who you think might find it funny or need some advice that we've perhaps given out or just, you know, have their day brightened up.

22:08Anna Williamson:So do share our episodes as well. Love you lots. Have a fabulous bloody week. Bye-bye.

22:19This has been a Global Player original production.