TOTALLY EXTRA: Sugar Judgement, Death Row Meals & Sucking up Farts

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it, you are here and it is Thursday. Hello my darlings, how are you? My jingle of the week. Well yeah, welcome along to Luana Totally Extra. Hope you are swell. Swell. Hope you're spaffing. Swell in the hood. do you know every week we should like think of a word like we should start at a so like hope you're awesome and then you have to think of an a and then you have to think of an a and then like the next episode it's going to be b we'll see how many episodes this lasts for but we'll give it a show today so let's start with a hope you are feeling anal i'm going for awesome hope you're all amazing amazing yeah there we are brilliant as you can tell our content today is shite so it's over to you do forget don't forget though to follow us please on your favourite podcast platform give us a subscribe on YouTube hi YouTubers hello audience we will stop talking shit and move over to you it's message from anonymous so Kirsty right alright lads I've got an embarrassing moment for you which I'm fully blaming you both for.

1:23Anna Williamson:Firstly, let me set the scene. On Monday evenings, I attend a local glassblowing. Oh, how nice. Nightclub, that is a cool hobby. I'd like to try a bit of blowing. I'd like to make a carafe. Nice little glass carafe. Look, we could go to it. Let's do this. A very wholesome event in the leafy part of North London. Well, it's on our doorstep. Think long row of leased Teslas and Chelsea tractors park outside the studio. You're setting the scene beautifully. Definitely. Inside the night school, attendees are made up of a variety of well-to-do ladies, of leisure retired architects, doctors and a few younger students.

1:59Anna Williamson:I mean, that does scream of that sort of clientele. Mostly also working in the creative field and generally a very polite, slightly socially awkward bunch. Now, when I first rocked up, I thought it'd be nice to suggest that we go for a drink socially after the class. Oh, she's the sociable one. The one who always suggests the pub. She says, yeah, the pub we visit is up quite a steep hill. So I've been offering to drive the friendly group to the pub from the studio now most weeks on a Monday. And I like to listen to the podcast on my drive there. However, the journey doesn't quite warrant listening to a whole episode.

2:29Anna Williamson:This means I usually listen to the other half on my way back. What I did forget was it also meant that it automatically played in the car when I gave my fellow glassblowing students a lift, resulting in also giving them an insight into the world of Luana. Spread the love. So as you can imagine, it was to my horror when myself, a retired vicar, I love you so much, a local councillor. I love that you listen to this. And a charity worker. We're making small talk driving to the pub. And all of a sudden there was silence concentrating on parking. I assumed this was just them being polite to allow me to reverse.

3:04Anna Williamson:But oh, how wrong I was. As I began my manoeuvre to my horror, all I could hear was the word Pringles. yep it was that episode I have never been so frantic at trying to scramble off a podcast but as I was in the process of parking I couldn't get the touch screen oh yeah because the reverse cameras yes it's yeah knocked it out to get the reverse camera screen quick enough needless to say they haven't asked me for a lift since stop they didn't enjoy us I'm always sorry babe well listen they're not your tribe they're not your tribe that was a particularly bad one it was a particularly bad episode I'm not going to lie it was great I'm sorry that out of the thousands It was so luana.

3:43Anna Williamson:That was the one. We've got some misheard lyrics now from Beth. Beth. Beth where are you? Bethy wethy. Bethy weth. Here she is. Hello I'm Beth. I'm a long time listener. Well sporadic listener. But first time voice noter. And I've just got a little message for the misheard lyrics section. of the podcast um so i was just listening to katie katie perry um tgif um you know last friday night that one on the radio and as a kid i always thought the lyrics were went skinny dipping in the dark then went to an abattoir um so yeah because i remember googling it as a kid and thinking oh my god an abattoir why is that in the song and i remembered as well that they used to like mute it on the radio too so i thought oh well they don't really want to be talking about abattoirs on the radio um but i've just been driving and again i heard it on the radio and must have properly listened this time and at the age of 29 i've now found out that the lyrics are menage a trois we had a menage a trois oh it totally makes sense um yeah just thought i'd send this in and see if it gave you a bit of a giggle thank you for the podcast girls you make it all the time thank you babes easy and I like the confession on it I like we're just none of us are cool and I think it's important just to recognise that do you know what I mean I speak for myself on that one we've got rant slash advice request from a non so you've been called baby cinnamon cute hey Luanamo I have a bit of a rant and I'm genuinely asking for advice because I cannot tell if I'm being dramatic or if my mother-in-law is on some sort of long-term sabotage mission disguised as being a mum.

5:38For the purpose of this story, please call me Baby Cinnamon. This is not my real name. It is an old nickname from years ago, but it will matter later. For context, me and my boyfriend have been together nine years this year, so this is not a new relationship situation. I am normally a calm, reasonable grown woman. However, this woman sends me absolutely fucking feral. She is constantly all up in everyone's business, sneaking about and lying and I'm about 99 % sure she is having an affair. I've known for ages, everyone knows, but every time I've tried to gently tell my boyfriend, she lies straight to his face and somehow wriggles out of it.

6:17It's honestly exhausting bullshit. Now for the incident that fully tripped me over the fucking edge. While me and my boyfriend were away, she let a strange man who I do not know from Adam into our house and then left him there alone while she went back to her marital home to switch cars. Cash and valuables were everywhere. The only people who should ever be in our house are her and her husband, who is seriously ill, by the way. How do I know? The ring doorbell. Her big fat head thought she was covering the camera and did not realise it records the entire street and audio. You can literally hear her saying, don't worry, I'm covering the camera.

6:59spoiler alert she was not absolute dickhead behavior for extra context the day before the day before this she sent her husband around to feed our animals because she could not as she was busy then the very next day she was suddenly fine leaving her mystery boyfriend alone in our house then comes the birthday post she uploads a photo of my boyfriend with me and family and captions it exactly as follows happy 34th birthday to my son hope you've had a great day love this pic with Louise and my great niece. See you later. Now, for the purpose of this story, I am Baby Cinnamon. His ex, from over 15 years ago, is called Louise.

7:41So no, this was not her accidentally forgetting a name. She managed to name herself, her son, and this niece, just not me. That was a choice. And finally, the most unforgivable crime of all, while staying at my house, she used all my stuff. stuff. Wore my oodie and turn my toaster settings to six. Of all the things. She turned my toaster settings to six on all four slots. What a bitch. Who the fuck does that? Who lives like that? What sort of unhinged person sets a toaster to six and just walks away? That's so because she's got home, she's wanted toast and then it's burnt. Please tell me, is this deliberate?

8:20Is she chaos? Is she toxic? Or am I one minor inconvenience away from ending up on crime watch because of her toaster. Love the pod, baby cinnamon. Names changed, crimes not. Well, I love the ring doorbell thing. Old mum is sneaking around shugging in your bed. I mean, for me, it's the toaster. The toaster. I don't really know how to respond to that. No, me neither, to be honest. But you have got the footage from the ring doorbell. Why don't you just show her and say what, what, what?

8:50Anna Williamson:Yeah, I would do that. Crazy. Yeah, I just use her for story content all the time. Slug her off to your friends. Wild times. Let's see if Louise's rant can top that one. Oh. Is there another toaster criminal? Can I just say, I have just been transported. That is quite annoying about the toaster. We did actually have toaster gate in our house actually a few months ago because somebody put the bloody toaster up to six as well. We've got burnt toast. Now, burnt toast stinks for days. You cannot get that smell out. well we were all blaming each other, we blamed bloody Enzo, I blamed Alex, Alex blames me, we're all having a bloody row.

9:27No, it wasn't us.

9:29Anna Williamson:I suddenly realised what happened. Our lovely cleaner who comes every Wednesday had gone to clean the old toilet and had knocked the dial. Gutted. Gutted. There's a lesson there, clean my own fucking house. Yeah, what's Louise saying? Hello, good morning, I love you guys. I just want to send an actual voice note rant. isn't directed to anyone in particular, but it does go back to one of your petty polies the other day about someone adding too much sugar to someone's drink. What I don't understand is why people become so righteous and pious over how much sugar someone else has in their drink. So true.

10:06Anna Williamson:If you say you have, like, two sugars or three sugars, people are always going, oh, that's so disgusting. You're right. I never have that much sugar. I do that to people. don't have that much sugar it's my drink if i want to have 50 sugars in my drink i will it's none of your bloody business i'm not making you drink it if i'm saying i'm putting 50 sugars in your drink fair you can then say that's disgusting you wouldn't drink it it would put your teeth on it i get it i don't have that many sugars do i judge someone that has five sugars in their drink absolutely not i stand there i make their drink and i hope they enjoy it i hope it's a nice drink for them i hope they go away happy anyway i don't understand what makes people feel so high and mighty about how many sugars someone else has in their hot drink i don't get it okay someone enlighten me it's none of your business just make a drink and shut up i really do love you guys thank you so much that you do you're the friends i've always wanted oh i love you darling it's louise from kent thanks bye lou why why do you you've said you do this well done for admitting I think if anyone has more than one, I'm a bit like, hmm.

11:11But as she's saying, that Louise is saying, mind your own business. Heart attack weighting's happened, diabetes. I feel like I should help them. Not necessarily, though. It's very bad. But it's not a direct link, is it? Well, sugar is, yeah, to diabetes. And like, yeah, and unhealthiness.

11:27Anna Williamson:But I guess what Louise is saying is we all just need to mind our own business and let people be. I feel like if I can impart some knowledge. Some sugar shaming. and sugar shaming to try and help them be a healthier person. But when does shame ever push someone into changing their... But it's like you get sugar spikes and then you crash. It's really bad for you. Well... You know, if people are lethargic and they get a headache and they get that 3pm lull, then, you know, it's all down to this lifestyle. But then is that anyone else's business? One sugar is enough as well. But then is that anyone else's business?

12:03No, one is enough. Well, I don't have any. You have half of one. It depends on the day. Can I just say, actually, this is really interesting,

12:09Anna Williamson:because this is really weird she said this. You don't have sugar. No, I don't have it. But someone at work does. It's celebs where I work. I guess that's what you're used to. Did your mum always put sugar in your tea, for instance, or was it like a thing when you got older? No, mum never had sugar in her tea. I think I got onto tea by having really sweet tea. Well, it's for shock, isn't it? And I said, it's comforting. No, but someone at work did that. They had to have a couple of sugars, and then they felt really judged by asking for it. And then someone did say, yeah, because of course of that someone did make a comment and actually they did clap back and they were like mind your own fucking business you just drunk a full fat coke and I was like good for that and someone full fat coke they were like mind your own fucking business if I've cup two teas in my sugar you have a full fat coke fuck off and I was like I'm here for the clap back I feel like people don't really get ashamed for full fat coke it's just a preference I actually if someone orders a full fat coke I will judge them no you need to no Lou well I am an almond mum You need to, yeah.

13:07I'm mum and mum. Luke, what do you wish? You need to shush. We've decided. I do, I judge them. Yeah, well, I think Louise has spoken for everyone. Judge quietly. I am a judger. Yeah, judge quietly. If people order, like we went for lunch, Anna ordered a pint of... When? A pint of what? And then Andrew did too. Of Coke Zero? Yeah, but still a pint. So? Well, I just thought it was excessive. Well, we've told you now. Mind your own. Wind it in. And then Andrew went, yeah, I'll have that too, because he would never do that with me. Oh, I love a pint of Diet Coke.

13:37Anna Williamson:Lou, you need to fucking wind it in. Yeah, and then if... If someone wants a fucking pint of Coke. I didn't say anything. Good. But I did make a note of it. And then when Andrew went, I'll have the same, I thought, good. Yeah, how bad is that? Yeah, that's bad. You need to shush. Honestly. You do. She needs to get back in her fucking box. And you encouraged Andrew to do it. Lou, you need to fucking wind it. Even though it was Diet Coke, it's very bad for you. Like a whole pint. It's excessive. Would you judge someone having a pint of beer? No. Exactly. Yes, shut up. That's fucking bad for you.

14:09I'm so fucking shut up. We've already established that I'm a big hypocrite. Yes. Haven't we? We established that last week. Some people might think I'm a massive, an entire bottle of tequila. She's offended. I'm offended. But I'm a fucking pint of Coke. Yeah. I know. It's terrible of me. I'm going to call you out on it from now on. I would drink a whole bottle of tequila. We know that I have. But I wouldn't judge you on that.

14:32Anna Williamson:Well, you could. I'd say you do you, honey. You could if you wanted to. I don't want to, because that's your business. Well, I wouldn't care if you judge me. I'd still drink it. Oh, well, exactly. But I did think, or pint, and then he went, a pint too, and I thought, I won't say anything, because I will tell me off. Yeah, I will tell you off in the future. Next time, right, Emma, we're on it. I would have said to Andrew... Oh, Lou, you need to fucking wind it in, mate. Why? Let everyone do what they need to do. You're the first to say, I'll do what I want to do. Do you know the ironic thing, then, about that lunch?

15:02She's, I was the only one to have dessert. That's what I'm saying. She needs to fucking shut up. I was the only one to eat sticky toffee pudding nobody else wanted to desert. So actually, oh, I'm a hypocrite. I can't help it. I just, that is the way I am. Judgey McJudgerson. Judgey McJudgerson. Do as I say. Not as I do. Not as I do.

15:26Anna Williamson:That's our loop. Right, petty folly from Anonymous. So daffers. Hey, Luanimo. I just wanted to share with you something that I do when my wife pisses me off or is being an arse. Oh, we've got a comeback from a bloke. Depending on the severity of arseness she is, or pissed offness, I feel, depends on the little message I leave on the bathroom floor rug. Wow. My little message can be written in either Portuguese, she's Portuguese, or English. Nice. View from the toilet of just a couple of messages left for her. Call me daffers. Love you all. Still frantically catching up on all your episodes currently at the end of 2023.

16:02Anna Williamson:Cow bag. He's left cow bag and... Puta. Puta. Doesn't that mean... Bitch. Oh, bitch. In Portuguese. But what he's done is he writes it in the... Talc, in the black bath mat. Yeah, it's like a velvet mat. So he can write in that. I love that subliminal messaging. Yeah. Cow bag and puta. Subliminal. I love that. And then I bet you shit yourself and get the hoover out. Sometimes you might just put like BJ? Question mark. Question mark. Yeah. Yeah. Try that, mate. It might work better. Tick. Yeah, yeah. we've got a petty poly in next from emma hi ladies this is metal rant i suppose it'll pull it fall into the petty poly category um i'm in mns at the minute and it's yellow stickers and i've just seen a platter of sandwiches reduced to seven pounds and another woman wanted them i have no intention of buying them but i'm currently walking around with them in my basket so she can't have them just because really so i'm waiting until she leaves the shop and then i'll put them back on the shelf.

16:59Anna Williamson:I'm Emma from Kennedy. Love it. Love it, Emma. Your pettiness knows no bounds, my darling. We've got a message in from Gail. She says, oh, you should read this one. It's in Scottish. Hi, Luanna Moe. It's Gail from Scotland here. I only started listening a couple of months ago and I'm currently on the episode just after your London live show in 2022. God, that was a while ago. Wow. I don't even listen to any other podcasts anymore. Well, good job. You've got six years, four years. Babes, settle in and buckle up. She said, I honestly wish I'd found your pod years ago. You would have got me through some rough patches, lockdown, a breakup from my ex, and more than a few truly awful Tinder dates.

17:41But life is so good now. Since 2022, I left my job of 13 years, started my own business, bought a house for me and my son. I've got a new partner who I adore. I love her. I feel so sad for your listeners when I hear about them in shitty relationships which make them unhappy. No one should ever feel like that. I want to tell them there's someone better out there for them and not to give up hope. I met my new partner when I least expected it, but he truly is my person and I've never felt this way before. He's gorgeous, kind and funny and I love him to bits. Sorry to get all mushy on you, but I've never been happier.

18:14You girls make me laugh every day. I listen while I'm working, cooking dinner, cleaning, walking the dog. I even volunteer to make dinner every night so I can stick the podcast on. sorry to lower the tone but I've got a totally random question for this review what would your death row three course meal be drink included

18:32Anna Williamson:like the coke please never stop doing the pod girls you're all amazing and I really hope I can make it to one of your live shows one day well I hope come to her if she's only in 2022 well you might take a while you need to listen like to the current and then to the back catalogue but come to Luanna the big party October the 3rd there's this I think literally Actually, a handful of tickets for the second show left. And then we'll see you there. Death Row Mill, girls. Well, you all know what mine would be. Jackie P. Jackie P, cheese beans, a salad, sticky toffee pudding, and a star. Oh, what are my stars?

19:06Probably a camembert. And my drink would be a pint of Diet Coke. Hilarious. My drink would be, like, tequila, soda, lime. Or a spicy margs. We're getting on the spicy margs today. I fancy one today.

19:21Anna Williamson:That'd be nice. Don't judge me. I never judge I never judge I just breeze that's what I love about life that's why I don't get stressed easy breezy for right now because it just changes seasonally and all the old jazz obviously for starter I would have I'm just thinking what I want to eat right now maybe like some Vietnamese summer rolls delicious in like the lovely delicious sauce oh my god my mouth stop it i literally so hungry main course are you bastard whoever sent this in i'm gonna do i could go for a roast chicken right now well with roast potatoes and all the trimmings yorkshire cabbage love cabbage oh i love cabbage with loads of salt cabbage bad for you shit ton of gravy and then pudding i'll go this is a rogue Oh, no, I'll go pavlova.

20:21I've gone off pavlova. It's too eggy. Oh, I love it. Since I stopped eating, I used to really like pavlova. I make a good pavlova.

20:30Anna Williamson:I love pavlova. Oh, my God. And then drink. I'll go for a pint of Diet Coke. Why not? Bloody love it. Controversial. Bloody love it. Mine's quite simple. Prawn cocktail, roast dinner, cheese board, pint of Coke Zezza. Yeah, baby. There you go. Done. You went cheese board. Always. I don't like puds. I like me cheesy. Good one, guys. And maybe, Lutheranians, you'd like to have a little pontificate on what your death row meal might be. We've got another voice note rant in next from sexy vid celeb Monica. Porn star name, but in cryptic. In it. Right, go on then. This is all a bit mysterious. Hey, Joanna and I.

21:12Anna Williamson:I have a little rant slash moan. um and this one is aimed at emo oh ever since your recommendation of cryptic crosswords my feed has been absolutely nothing else but these cryptic crosswords i always pause them before the explanation comes because i'm like oh this is easy i could do it um i just can't do them they are so hard and then when i listen to the explanation i'm like i need to i should know that that is easy um and i've just been doing it for for so long now and it's just so irritating and if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have looked it up what they were and i wouldn't be in this mess so thank you so much you're welcome one day i hope i will be able to answer one if I keep going.

22:13Yeah, my God, they are hard.

22:15Anna Williamson:And I wouldn't have known about them if it wasn't for you. So thanks for that, Emma. Love the pod and all that jazz. Do you know something? With those cryptic crosswords, you know I said that Tom, Reid Wilson, loves a cryptic crossword. And I consider Tom extremely intelligent. Yeah, he is. Very intelligent, as are you. You're fine. But I went in and I was told him about that. I said, oh, I said, my producer, Emma, I said, I mentioned you. I said she loved because he was sitting on his little couch in our green room doing his cryptic crossword. And I said, oh, it's ever so intelligent. So she started talking about it.

22:46Anna Williamson:Lots of people love them. And he went, darling, he said, I, I, it took me ages to get to grips with it. And he said he persevered and he only did it because he was doing it when we were on one of our away trips last year, whenever it was. And he couldn't figure out, just figure it out, like the format to it. And he said, I was so fucked. Well, he didn't say fucked up, he doesn't swear. He couldn't do it. He said, I persevered and persevered and persevered. he cracked kind of the formula and now he loves them and can do them. So there is a formula cracking. Kind of. When you get to grip with it.

23:15Anna Williamson:Part of the clue kind of tells you how to do the clue. Yes. You have to learn those. That's what he said. Yeah. Me and, so I got my, my wife, Naomi. My wife? I got Naomi's grandma onto cryptic. Well, she had done cryptics in the past but I do like the minute cryptic where it's like one clue every day and I got her onto it and she also does Wordle. So now every day she will text me her score on Wordle and her score on Lennon Cryptic, which then prompts me to do it. So then we basically, our entire conversation is just four and under par. Oh, so sweet. Three and par today. It's very cute. It's such a good thing to do.

23:56Anna Williamson:I love it. I love it. Confession times. I've never told anyone this, but hi Luana, I have a confession for you. Excellent day. I'm a dental nurse and I met my best friends at the worst practice I have ever worked at. It's safe to say those girls were the only good thing to come out of working in that shithole. Me and my fellow dental nurses would all congregate into our friend's surgery, who was a hygienist. We would do this at any given chance to escape the madness at the practice. This would be in between patients during the lunch break so we didn't have to socialise with the dickheads that worked there and just at any given chance, really.