TOTALLY EXTRA: Tablet Packs, A Scottish Bus Rider & Isla White

0:01Anna Williamson:Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and generally explicit content.

0:42But, you know you love it. Morning!

0:45Anna Williamson:Hi, everybody. Happy Thursday. It's Luana, Totally Extra. How are you, bitches? We're good. We're good, Im? Swell. Oh, we're swell. It's Luana and Imo. This is Totally Extra. No, so Australian, swell. What is it? I think so this is a genuine question I always thought this but I never knew the answer is swell like so well put together as in like I'm so well as in like I'm very well swell well it must be what else would it be I don't know swell from the ocean or is not I was thinking I think of it more swell of an ocean I think of surf like I'm swelling I think of like a guy with blonde hair like called Brad yeah Brad swell Brad and he's got a surf board under his arm.

1:30Yeah. Anyway, this is an episode all about you. It's extra rants, extra chats, extra confessions, extra stories, extra what are you? Honey buns are fabulously funny ends. Kelly has written in to us. She says, I've got a funny name. Wait, listen to this. It's too good to miss.

1:51Anna Williamson:Da da da da da. That was good. That was punchy. Thank you. Happy birthday, everyone. I hope it didn't come my way. Well done. Oh, Sorry, carry on, Lou. I used to work on a maternity ward and of course when you went to do your checks on mum, you'd ask mum and dad what they'd decided to name their new baby. Hi, Mr and Mrs White. Who's this little one? This is Isla. Oh, stop it. I'm not sure if they'd said the full name aloud yet, but I really hope that when they did, they realised and saved that poor child from a lifetime being referred to as an island in the English Channel. Isla White Isla White Isla White That's not good Isla White Pretty name though Isla Do you remember when Nicole Kidman called her Apple She called her Sunday But Sunday Rose and everyone thought it was Sunday Roast I like the name Sunday Sunday spelt like the day Or Sunday spelt like the ice cream No like the day I quite like that because you get Sunday Riley is the makeup brand isn't it oh I don't know I've not heard of that one I think so Sunday is a nice name I agree right no you can't smell the guff you cabbage crutch over there voice note from anonymous say bloody Mary bloody Mary good one hey Luanna Imo long time listener first time voice noting in welcome just wanted to clap back at the woman who squeezes out her tampon in the shower um i am an eco girly i i use the reusable pads and when i'm getting in the shower i just whack it off chuck it in the bottom of the um bath hop in and get a shower and i um use my foot to um squash the pad so all the blood comes out

3:52Anna Williamson:yeah so I can kind of get it I don't touch it I don't I mean well you do with your foot then I pick it up and squeeze it out until it's all clear and then you can wash them and yeah save the planet girls but um I can relate I can relate yeah um keep me anonymous um I'll be bloody Mary if you like um and thanks for the pod it gives me many many laughs whilst I'm driving to and from work every day. Bye! Now, you see girls, I do have a couple of reusable sanitary pads that I wear at night. That's not so bad. I think the milk's gonna... Oh no. Oh no, she's gonna be sick. But it's never crossed my mind to do this.

4:28Anna Williamson:Wait, you wear reusable pads at night? I do, at night I do. Yeah, I do my bit for the planet. But now I just pop them, you know, straight into a hot wash, but now I'm quite... What, with your clothes? No, I do a separate, like a... What, so you just... Can I just say that's not saving the planet? Not really, is it? Because if you've just got like, you're going to need to wear... No, no, I've got a dark wash. No, no, they're dark pads. So if I've got like underwear and stuff to wash, like the kids' underwear and everything like that. You basically wash your kids' clothes in your bloody sanitary towel.

4:55Yeah, it's all a hot wash, isn't it? I think that's rank.

4:58Anna Williamson:But I guess what she's doing is she's basically rinsing out all the blood before she puts it in the wash. No, but that's what I'm actually now thinking. That is what you should do. I'm thinking I should probably just give it a proper little... I don't flood, though. It's only at night time. I was only like little skiddies. It's never like, I don't think there's enough. The remnant. Yeah, I don't think there's enough to really warrant it. Oh, I'm so happy I left periods. I am thinking about trying that now, so thank you for that. We've got a shit gift from Mike and Lorna. It says, hi ladies, man funny in here, who introduced his wife to your podcast.

5:30Oh. There we are. And we love listening to your hilarious podcast. I believe I'm a strong contender for shit gift of the year. This is one of my favourite, favourite items. This year marked our ninth wedding anniversary, though we've actually been together for 28 years. She's still my favourite person on earth and we have a little tradition. Every anniversary we buy each other a cheap theme-based gift. This year's theme, willow. Now, I'll be honest. I lost half a day of my life doom-scrolling willow gifts online. After hours of staring at baskets, furniture and random bits of wicker, I finally struck gold.

6:04A delicate heart made from willow branches. perfect, romantic, meaningful and most importantly cheap. When it arrived I tossed the box aside, no need to open it, job done. But the day before we headed off to the Lake District to celebrate, I thought better just check it's not broken. Opened the box, gave it a glance, perfect, still smug with myself. So on the morning of our anniversary I proudly handed my wife her card in the Willow Hut. Happy anniversary my love. She opened the card first, chuckled at the cheeky little verse I'd written and then moved on to the gift. Out came the willow heart, success.

6:38But then she pulled out a card I hadn't noticed before and her face changed. She went pale, put the card back in the box and looked at me. Oh, what was it? Babe, did you read this? I laughed. No, didn't even realise there was one. She handed it over, still looking half confused and half concerned. So I opened it and there in black and white was a very touching message from the seller. We would like to thank you for your purchase and send our deepest condolences for your loss. After hours of searching for the perfect Willard theme gift, I'd gone and brought one from the funeral director. Once the shock were off, we absolutely howled.

7:13Tears streamed down our faces. We even joked about how awkward it would have been if my wife had have been dead. Oh, I mean, yeah. And I was always wondering, and I was wandering around the Lake District holding her hand, talking to her guys. And that right there is why I love her wholeheartedly. She is brilliant, hilarious, and even when I accidentally gift her a funeral decor, she still thinks I'm worth keeping. Don't keep us an on. We're Mike and Lorna from Hull.

7:38Anna Williamson:Or they're in love. I'd have gone one better and shitter than that and given her a Willow DVD as in the old movie from the 1980s with Warwick Davis. Lost in the Willow. That's what I would have done. Wind in the Willows. Lost in the Willows. I knew it had gone somewhere. Or Willow the Wits. away uh we've got voice note rant from gemma next just a very very quick short rant i have here following on from the ladies rant last week about phone signal i've just queued up in the post office i have 5g i have bars nice but yet i still do not have enough to download a qr code so i've just joined the queue got to the teal no need the qr code so i've just queued for nothing because it It went bloody low because apparently in Surrey you can't get any signal.

8:31Anna Williamson:It's fucking ridiculous. Well, I couldn't live in Surrey. Anyway, I'm Gemma from Kent. Have a great day. You've got to live off grid. You've got to live off grid in Surrey, apparently. Surrey's annoying. Yeah. It happens more and more. Why is it that? Once I got off the tube at Leicester Square, London. Yeah. No, no internet. No, no can do. It said 5G. Nothing's working. It's when you get the wheel of doom. Too many people are in the area sometimes. Like, you know, when you go to a concert and it's like an overload. It's when it just constantly says connecting, connecting. It's like, what the hell?

9:05Anna Williamson:Very nice. Good right, though. Miss Heard. Oh, Miss Heard lyrics from Leander. Now, this is great. Yeah, this has been giving. Evening, Luana and Imo. Loving the pod and all that shit. I'm a relatively new Lufanian, but I've listened to most of the back catalogue and the pods make me laugh out loud during my gym session. So thank you. Thank you. I was listening to a more recent episode on misheard lyrics and I just had to send in my two penneth worth. My 12-year-old daughter was a big fan of Frozen back in the day. Let it go! And loved to sing along. Instead of singing Love is an Open Door Love is an Open Door along with Anna and Hans she thought the words were I'm going to make a door I'm going to make a door!

9:49Anna Williamson:Lord knows where Hans and Anna learned their carpentry skills from but what better way could there possibly be to establish your new relationship than a quick session with a saw and a lathe. Earlier this week, we were singing along to Step's original, 5, 6, 7, 8, which according to my daughter goes, my boot scooting baby is driving me crazy, my obsession from a Western, my dad's called Dave. That's quite good. I love that. As an aside, her dad isn't called Dave, he's called Simon, but there you go. Not got the same ring to it. No, but dad's called Simon. So no need to keep me anonymous. I'm Leander from Swindon, mother to a hilarious 12-year-old.

10:28Anna Williamson:Keep doing what you're doing, ladies. You're all fab. Lots of love. Thanks, babe. Thanks, Leander. Let's dive straight into a voice note rant from Sally. Hi, Luanna and Imo. It's Sally here, so no need to give me a granny name. Good. I just want to have a rant. Why, whenever I open a medicine box, I always end up opening it at the side where the instructions are every single time it's the thing it's so annoying it's always the instructions why the first time and it's just so frustrating I don't want to read the instructions do I I clearly just want to take the flipping tablet so can we just make it universal that one side means tablet other side means it's so annoying it's so annoying it's so true it's a great one that is such a good run Someone did this ages ago on socials and it was like, that is so relatable.

11:25Anna Williamson:Every time you open that goddamn packet of pills. It's always the wrong way. And then you can't shove them back in properly. They all fall out. It then messes up the packet. Good run. Right, we've got a message from Adam next. He says, Halo Animo, I genuinely love this podcast. I'm a gay man fan here. How haven't I told you one of the many stories of my short time as being a local bus driver? This is good. I tell you what, all the local bus drivers need a medal for the amount of weird and wonderful things they see, do and smell and smell. OK, here we go. Yes, I did say smell. It's astonishing.

12:00Anyway, we used to have a lot of regular eccentrics, shall we call them, get the bus on a certain route. Some of them we used to give nicknames to amongst all the drivers if they were particularly eccentric. I was warned of an eccentric man on our longest route that went to the next big town over. So the eccentrically meter sometimes went off the scale, shall we say. I was about three quarters of my way through my busy rush hour when I could see a man dressed in full Scotsman regalia. I'm talking the beret, the kilt. He even had the stereotypical gingerish hair sticking out the side of his beret.

12:38When opening the doors, he took one eager huge stride and pressed his face right against the perforated plastic sheeting in front of my cab. and said in his very Glaswegian accent, which I can't do. Shall I try it? Go on. I have a present for you. I have a present for you, driver. Very good. With a big grin, giving me no time to respond. He lifted up his kilt, showing me, and the first two rows of people is me and two scotch eggs, shouting, Whee! Like a schoolgirl slammed down his fare onto the train and then he just took a seat, giving me no time to react and everyone on the bus was just stunned.

13:16Anna Williamson:I got a treat for you, Draven. Yay! I mean, he's a flasher. I mean, he's a flasher. It's illegal. He is. Fast forward to me on my way back from the town where I had took a break. I knew that the eccentric man was going to be getting the bus back. Saw him on the curbside. This time it was buttering down with rain. And I could tell it was about to do it again. So as I pulled up and stopped, I didn't open the doors. And I shouted, I have a present for you. and then I sped off as much as you can in a battered out double decker crisp packet that I was driving I did meet this man again and heard he had done this to all the other drivers time and time again let's just say when it was me driving he just quietly paid the fare and sat down that's taught him a lesson isn't it I hated that job with a passion but my god it gave me some great stories love Adam Adam we need more Well, Adam.

14:13I've got a present for you. I mean, more like... But still. But still. I love that. Oh, dear. Love that. We've got a very fitting now, a voice note from a non, and your name is Seymour Kilts. Clits.

14:31Anna Williamson:Clits. Oh, sorry.

14:35Anna Williamson:Both like, mm-hmm. Clits. Seymour Clits. Seymour Clits. Well, I was thinking it's really good to see more kilts off the back of that story. I was like, what a segue. Love it. And then it was C more clips. No, clitoris, sorry. Oh. So stupid sometimes. Good that we're the same, Lee. Yeah. As I stand amongst all of the belt rankers in Newcastle Airport. The one? With their kids running around screaming in those little rolly suitcases, and I silently on the inside want to kick one and just see if they'll cry. Maybe they'll laugh. Maybe it'll be funny. Who knows? But as I stand here, I would like to give a shout out to the woman in the Newcastle airport bathroom whose child says, Mommy, it smells like my tuna sandwiches from lunch in here.

15:19Anna Williamson:And she just said, oh darling. And laughed uncontrollably. And may the half ever be with the wife. That's all. Sounds like Catherine Ryan. It does sound like Catherine Ryan. It does sound like Catherine Ryan. Yeah. May the half be with the wife. It's always the airport toilet. It's always the tuna sandwich. Denkan. Right. I've never told anyone this, but here we go. First up, dear Luanna, sending you my best grass story. Oh, yeah, grassing. Don't grass me up. Oh, yeah, being a grass. I was like, oh, grass. Interesting. Botanical. Please keep me anonymous. I'm not proud of this. So back when I was 14 in circa 2003, 2004, with my first boyfriend, who was a horrible prick, by the way, he was 16 and thought he was Casanova every girl wanted.

16:09Anna Williamson:There was another girl in our love triangle, an American, who with her shrill voice caught the boy's attention with her micro miniskirts and by giving out her Ritalin medication for kicks. She's giving Clula. She really is, including my boyfriend. I had a curfew, much to my dismay, but sometimes we would sneak out after hours and meet up to get up to no good in the dead of the night behind the backs of our exhausted working parents sound asleep. This one night, I wasn't able to sneak out when I knew most of the others in the friendship group were. Annoyed, I stayed up all night texting people, trying to live the moment through my rebellious friends who had enough credit to give me the basic details.

16:45Anna Williamson:There you go. Yeah, yeah. When word got back to me, my boyfriend and the annoying American girl were out together. I decided revenge was on the cards. It was 2 a.m. I called one of my close school friends who knew that I would do whatever I told her to. Who would do whatever I told her to. Manipulative. Yeah. She didn't know the American girl, so I knew it couldn't get back to me. I ordered her to call the American Girl's landline until one of her parents picked up and asked for her knowing this would prompt her very angry mum or dad to go into her bedroom and confront her about friends calling in the middle of the night and waking up the whole house and find voila, she's not there in short my plan worked and soon I got told by one of my texting friends that her livid parents called her on her mobile to which she freaked the fuck out and hurried back home to hopefully an American grounding looking back now I wish I had actually done this to my boyfriend instead But what could I say?

17:38Anna Williamson:Back then, we all thrived off male validation. It's true. It is. It's true, actually. That's quite clever. Yeah, very. Grassed her up. That was quite, yeah, smart. All on the landline. The bloody landline. And let's be honest, there was no parent in the 80s or 90s that would not lose their shit if that landline went to anything that was deemed an unreasonable hour. I mean, I don't even think my kids know what an actual telephone ring sounds like. Do you have a landline? No. No, do you? I think in Andrew's office as well. I don't know the number but do your kids know what a telephone ring is? You should ask them what's the noise?

18:12Anna Williamson:I'm going to do this experiment. They do only because they've got like apps and all that shit. I used to watch like Elmo things on Sesame Street. I'm going to ask mine do the sound if you were to do a phone ring. It'll be like some random ringtone won't it? That's what I mean they're not going to go It'll be like the Back to Future theme tune or whatever people have. This morning in the cab the taxi man had a phone call his ringtone was my heart will go on. I really thoroughly enjoyed it What a legend Did it kick in with the Near For Wherever you are If we could pick a theme tune now As our new ringtone What would it be?

18:50Anna Williamson:Fuck you Fuck you very very much I never answer my phone No I don't either I look at it ringing in fear I get like a panic I only answer If it's the school Same The vet or generally someone that works for me. Yeah, I think me, it's just the school. It's the only time. All right, next confession. Hi, Luanna. Absolutely loving the pod and all that jazz. It gets me through the week. I'm a fairly new listener, so I'm a bit late to the party. All right, welcome. I've just got to the episode, which we're not going to remember, by the way, but she says, I've just got to the episode where the girl pretended to faint on a ski trip and got the hospital to call her ex.

19:33iconic behaviour. Oh yeah, that rings a bell. Not for me. So I thought I'd share my own slightly deranged but completely justified moment with an ex. When I split up with my boyfriend at 21, honestly, the worst five years of my life, he was a lying, cheating, jobless, debt riddled, drug loving, emotionally and physically abusive little rat. His own mum had booted him out so naturally he ended up living with me and my family, lucky us. Eventually enough was enough and I saw sense ending it. Two weeks earlier, we'd been on a disastrous holiday to Tenerife, which I paid for, obviously, because Prince Charming was permanent and skinned.

20:08I hate that. Oh, God. About four days after we broke up, he rang me, and in that smug little voice announced he'd met someone new and was whisking her away to, wait for it, the exact same place we'd just been. The cheek of it. What a git. Anyway, he said he needed to pop round for his passport, and that Gucci hat I'd bought him, don't ask, I was clearly deluded. Oh, he's got a cheek, isn't he? Well, that was it. Red mist. My blood pressure hit the roof. I could hear my ancestors whispering, don't let him get away with it. I slammed the phone down, marched straight upstairs, grabbed his precious passport and sent him a little video message of me setting fire to it in the garden like I was staging some sort of witch trial.

20:49Sparks flying, passport crisping up nicely. Very therapeutic. But I didn't stop there. Oh no. Next up, the Gucci hat. Out came my hairdressing scissors and I filmed myself hacking that thing into pieces like Edward Scissorhands on a sugar rush. It was shredded. Honestly, it looked like a dead hedgehog by the time I was done. Sent him the footage too. Not my proudest moment, but God, did it feel good. Keep me non, as I'm pretty sure£35 is illegal. It probably is, actually. It's like money, isn't it? It probably is. That is it for this week's Luanna Totally Extra. Remember, we'll be back with your usual dose of Luanna on Monday, which is a special, isn't it, Imo?

21:27It's all from our road trip.

21:31Anna Williamson:Well, next week, guys, five episodes. Emma, you can take over. We should have said this in Monday's episode. We said it in the previous week's episode. Shall we do a little drop-in? Tell us what we're doing, Emma. Okay, well, next week, Monday, you're going to get your normal Monday episode, but we're recording it from the road. On Thursday, you'll get your normal extra episode, but we're recording it from the road. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, you're going to just get the extra bits from the road trip the guffage the guffage the bits from the car the bits from our stops the big farts the people we meet they're not going to be lengthy because it's a little work it's going to be like a little 10-15 minute a little highlights reel five days of Luana yeah five days of Luana you know you want it so bad anyway see you later no but before you go don't forget you can send in all your messages to us It's Luana at everythingluana.com.

22:29Anna Williamson:Or you can WhatsApp us. It's 07745266947. We would adore a review. Please do follow us if you're not already. It really helps. Love you. Bye.