TOTALLY EXTRA: The BIG Chair Dilemma , Sh*gging the Married Neighbour & Poop on the Walls

0:00Anna Williamson:Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. this is a global player original podcast be warned it's luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions rants bants and general explicit content but you do know that you love it guys you love it as much as i love the fact today is my 10th wedding anniversary hallelujah we basically got married in the same year got had kids in the same year we are one we are one which is why fuck Alex it's all about you and me happy anniversary happy anniversary love you baby girl love you love you more this is Luanna totally extra extra rants chat confession stories and you shall we just muff hunt in wifey let's muff hunt in we've got a lovely man fan actually Anna he sent us a message oh yeah he is Raymond yay and Raymond says as a 73 year old alright matey very heterosexual Australian male with a wonderful 75 year old wife let me say how much I enjoy your podcast well Raymond you are welcome you and your lovely wife and another Aussie into the fold what is going on with us in Australia wait oh oh that hit that chair and then bounced back that was a wallop it was a sorry Raymond I do a punchline 73 from Australia I'm loving this right alright Raymond Put another shrimp on the barbie.

1:59Raymond says, it reminds me so much of sitting around an outdoor setting with my sisters and late mother, bouncing off each other, talking about everything from the outrageous to the deadly serious. I can still hear my mother chastising one of my sisters for using the F-bomb all the time while secretly enjoying it. Keep it up and make sure that no subject is off limits as long as it educates us. Regards, Raymond. Raymond, you are my fan of the month. I really want to know as well I don't know why we have so many Aussie listeners now. I feel like we've cracked Australia.

2:30Anna Williamson:Yeah, I think we've done a bit of migrating, have we not? Is that bad? Is that a delayed fart? Oh, that stinks. It just hit my throat. You are welcome. You carry on, then. Right, voice note. Why are you sniffing like a dog in the air? I can't smell it. Because she loves my gaffes. You love my gaffes. How much do you pay for my gaff? Sicko. No, no money. voice note Petty Polly from Helen Helen Helen Helen hello Helen we used to light a candle now we don't hi ladies bit of a Petty Polly for you go on so my husband quite often pisses me off so he works in London I work from home he seems to think that because I work from home I do not work so he came home last night expected his dinner on the table and I had the washing machine on and the tumble dryer.

3:23Anna Williamson:We have a condenser tumble dryer that collects all the hot water that comes out of the clothes. So he really pissed me off and I thought, Joe, what? I'm going to kill him with kindness. So I asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee after his long, hard day at work. Terrible. He said, yes, please. Tumble machine had coincidentally finished. So, and I had to empty the condenser. the condenser thing condensed coffee so I made him a cup of coffee with lovely lavender scented coffee with two sweeteners as requested and a digestive and he drank it so tip for you ladies if they piss you off get the tumble dryer with juice out love you guys, bye how do these people think about this so this is the noise of the tumble dryer in the background for a bit of context Also what fucks me off is having to do school runs and stuff.

4:22Anna Williamson:When he actually works from home, he doesn't fucking do the school runs. Why not? It's supposed to be a joint partnership, but it ain't. Because he's a fucking wanker. Anyway, Helen, 41, Southend, Essex. Don't give me a granny name. Just fucking piss off. Toodles. Helen, do you know what you need to do? You need to take a tip from last week and start charging. Monetise this shit. Invoice. Like school runs. Oh, I'd say at least£10. Tenner. Yeah. Plus petrol mileage. Plus petrol mileage, yeah. I'm going to design a little thing and put it on our socials. Let's put a list up. I'll just get ChatGBT to design it, really.

4:58Right, we've got a Petit Polly from a non, so karaoke. Ha! I love that! That's probably my favourite. Lots of carry names here.

5:08Anna Williamson:Carry - I'm trying to figure something. None there, aren't I? No, none. Hi, girls. Love the pod and all that jazz. Long-time younger listener here. So we've had Raymond. to however old this person is. First time writes, again, my mum's bestie got me into the pod and I've not looked back. You girls are unreal and you make my day so much brighter. Oh, thank you. I've got a petty poly for you. I have a colleague at work who can be a bit of a pain in the arse. Whenever I pay for something and she owes me money, I'll send her a Monzo request. What she doesn't realise is that when you split a bill with an odd number, one person usually ends up owing a penny more.

5:44And you'd better believe I always make sure that extra one P goes to her. It's tiny, it's petty, but it makes me feel that little bit better when she's such a dick. Keep me a non. Got another porn star name here now, Anita Dick.

6:01Anna Williamson:Anita Dick. Right, and another voice note from Steph. Come on, Steph. Steph-o, where are you, Steph-o? There she is. Good morning, new animal. This is Steph. I'm Ken. I'm from France originally. about wrong song lyrics. I used to sing, let me sing that song. Song, song, song, song, song. I think someone told me it was, let me sing that song. And, I mean, not song lyrics, but I also asked for half a shaggy in a pub before. I'm thinking I was asking for half a shandy. Half a shaggy. Stop it. Oh, you are adorable. Her accent makes us so much better. It does, doesn't it? I asked for half a Shaggy in a pub one time.

6:50You are adorable. I'm going to call them Shaggy's from now on.

6:53Anna Williamson:You like a Shaggy. I love a Shaggy, actually. I really do love a Shago.

7:01Anna Williamson:Message from Anonymous, so Muriel. Hi, girls. Long-time listener here. I need us some advice on a pretty random matter, so please bear with. Sorry for the amount of times I use the word chair. Okay. Right. Quite a lot. Okay. So a good few years ago, my husband and I bought a lovely little Sherlock style armchair. Bing. Can we do chair bingo here for our first house? For us at the time, it was quite an expensive purchase. We hardly used the chair. Ding. As we tended to sit on the sofas. So it was more of an accent chair. Ding. And was in pristine condition when we moved out of our first home. My mother-in-law even liked the chair.

7:37Anna Williamson:Ding. So much, she bought one at the same time in a different fabric. Remember this for later on. We needed someone to store the chair. Ding! When we moved out of our house and so asked my husband's parents if they could have it at their house, which they said was not a problem. They'd just use it as a spare for when guests came round. No problem. We've been renovating our new house for a year, so it has been with them for a while. Here's where I need some advice. Seems to have laid off the chairs now. That's a shame. Oh, no, here we go. For some reason, about six to nine months ago, my mother-in-law's chair, the one the same as ours, got moved out of their living room and she now uses ours to sit on every day.

8:16Anna Williamson:Bearing in mind she's at home 90 % of the time. I noticed the other day that the cushion has now gone flat and it just looks a bit used. I feel annoyed. Oh, this is annoying me. I feel annoyed that we had taken such a care of it with the hope of using it when we finally move to our forever home with it being in a new condition. Should have put it in storage. Fair. Am I overacting? Am I overacting as I know it's kind of them to store it for us? Or do you guys agree that it's strange for our chair to be the main one sat in day in, day out when they have exactly the same one in another room? If it was my mum, I'd just tell her straight, mum, jog on, that's our chair.

8:57Anna Williamson:If you'd rather we store it somewhere else, absolutely fine. But when it's the mother-in-law, how do you approach this? Please help, granny name too. P.S. Love you three. How many dings? Eight dings. That's a lot of dings. no I'm with her I think that's a piss take that's her new chair I'm sorry if you asked your family member to look after it and you state this is my new chair I've got some shit we bought for the new house and if someone's used my new shit I'd be like get off my new shit but it's difficult and it's your mother-in-law she's right if it was my mum I'd be like get off my chair mother-in-law I think you should take the chair back correct just say oh I'm ready for the chair now and you're going to have to have it reupholstered.

9:40Just call up a local company and get a new cushion, job done. I agree. I think take the chair back. Yeah. You look conflicted on this.

9:47Anna Williamson:I would have told my other half to have a word. Fair. Would you? Yeah. Actually fair. His mum, his problem. Oh Andrew would never say anything to his mum. His mum, his problem. Yeah I agree. I would take the chair back, have a new cushion made and that's that. Why cause ag for the sake of a fucking cushion on a chair? Take it back. It's just a chair cushion, guys. It's her chair. I know, but if she wanted it in pristine condition, she shouldn't have put it in someone else's house. It would just be annoying that you're like, you have the same chair, but you moved it out of the room to then use my chair.

10:21Anna Williamson:Why are you using my chair when you've got your chair? Because they didn't want to ruin their own chair, did they? Yeah, but that's where it annoyed me. But you're right, Alex and I, the rules are he deals with anything difficult to do with his mum himself. I deal with my mum myself. He needs to go and say, Mum, can you get off the chair? or just buy her another new chair. Just take the chair back. We've said about 84 chairs now. Just take the chair back and get the cushion reupholstered. It's not very difficult. That would piss me off too though. What? We'll do a poll. Yeah, do a poll. Snip this up and put it on the ground.

10:49This has pissed me off on behalf of her. I just think there are worse things in life than a sad chair and a deflated cushion. Okay? It's not that expensive.

11:02Anna Williamson:Depends how bad that new cushion is. My dad sits on that couch sometimes and that couch is like all sad and pathetic. What's the point in rocking the boat? Just keep the peace, okay? Just keep the peace. I feel like, Emma, you are rinsing me quite recently with all these names because we now have a voice note rant from an on. So, Dixie Wrecked. If you pick a name that has the word dick in it, you know what I mean? And I do believe this is the second time you've used my child's name, actually, on the pod to piss take. Go to HR, Lou. That's it, Mo. When you have your child, I will be doing mean things too.

11:42Okay. Like calling it Moonface or something. Moonface is quite cute. Not really if they look like a moonface.

11:49Anna Williamson:Oh. Cordell a sparrow. A small bird. She did look like one. She looked like a sparrow. She did, actually. She wasn't very pretty. Right, Dixie Rex. What are you saying? She's lovely now, though. She's good. Hey, girls. A little live rant for you here. Call me Dixie Wreck. See, not me. Apology. Just in Aldi. Sorry, public apology. Pot of water and some muffins. And the woman in front of me, you know, it's like in fucking Aldi. There's one checkout open. Despite the fact there are like nine self-checks and loads of checkouts. Only one is open. And the woman in front of me has got a gigantic shop.

12:24Anna Williamson:Literally gigantic. I've got my bottle of water and my muffins. is it not like universally uh kind of accepted that actually you let someone with one or two items go in front of you correct um because she fannied around and she chatted to the woman and then to top it all fucking off she had a birthday card that didn't have a barcode on it so the woman had to go off and find the birthday card and blah blah blah and i'm just like if i had someone behind me when i was doing my weekly shop who had um two items or even probably less and five items. I'd be like, do you want to go in front? Because I've got loads.

13:01Anna Williamson:And then I came out to the car park and she was parked like a twat. So she's clearly just a twatty person. Anyway, love the pod, loving the road trip, guff. And yeah, love, love, love. Bye, girls, bye. Yeah, very relatable. I do think, but what if you let one go and then another one comes with two items and then another one? Well, no, but I think it's like cars. You let one go and then there's a moment in traffic and you've waited enough now. Yeah. Now your turn to go. That's what I would think on that. Yeah, with that. Right, funny names from Anonymous. So Cherry Poppins. Okay. Hi, ladies. I just heard the episode that mentions the newborn baby called Isla White.

13:39Anna Williamson:Oh, cute. My mum was a primary school teacher and also taught an Isla White. The parents kindly advised her that she's named Isla because she was actually conceived on the Isle of White. It's like Brooklyn Beckham. Remember when they called Brooklyn? Everyone was like, oh. However, my personal favourite name of the kids she taught has to be Lacey Curtin. What a classic. Lacey Curtin. Oh, that's child abuse. I mean, you can't do that. We've got another voice note rant now. We've got an angry bunch of you today. So, lot of dicks up your bum. Imogen. Can I just say, Imogen started laughing before I even read it.

14:21like she's been waiting the whole episode for us to read that up. Is this your favourite part of scripting these podcasts now?

14:29Anna Williamson:Dicks up your mum. Do you spend all week thinking of new ones to script? I try to. She's actually crying with her own amusement. This one came to me in a moment of inspiration. Hi, Luanna Mo. Hi, lovely ladies. I have a rant. I'm a Welsh woman living in Australia not that that's really relevant but my rant is I'm on a first aid course this morning and they've given a time to be there of 8.30 and then they say arrive 15 minutes early what the I can't work it out it happens all the time why give an appointment time and then say arrive 15 minutes early just give me the actual time I am as old enough to know if I need to be there by 8.30 I'll be there by 8.30 be there by 8.30 and please arrive 15 minutes earlier oh my god it drives me insane just give me the real time yeah but the thing is when it's like medical people are late so that's why they have to say it can't have it chipping in can't have it chipping into someone else's time well because then the next people are annoyed before you know it it's a knock on effect it is and then we've got wait lists all over the place.

15:48Exactly. Yeah, nightmare. Right, we've got a message from Jamie now. It says, Hi, Lou and Anna. I'm years behind on the pod. Go back and listen. I got a new job. They are, look, that meant loads of driving and travelling and after dying laughing at a million of your Instagram reels, I finally started listening properly. I've just reached the episode where Anna's talking about... Your brother hates you for this. Oh, I'm going to be so in trouble. Where Anna's talking about her brother's naked pooing and his colleagues wondering if he still does it. and it instantly brought back the darkest moment of my professional life.

16:20So cast your minds back to the early pandemic. I was working as a laboratory coordinator, lab processing all of those NHS PCR tests. Yep, track and trace, HQ basically.

16:34Anna Williamson:Trauma. We worked four on, four off, 24-hour rotations. Wait, 24? Four on? Four hours working, four hours off for 24 hours. Wow. Yeah. That's wild. We were all half feral from exhaustion, running on caffeine trauma and pure chaos. One night, halfway through a shift, our senior manager suddenly calls a meeting in the canteen. Dead serious face. Everyone in here now. Obviously, all the lab leads are panicking. We're thinking, oh God, has someone not reported a spill? Did we ruin a batch of tests? Are we about to get a personal bollocking from Bojo himself? No, no, no, no, no. No, it seems that Satan herself clocked in for that shift.

17:18Oh, no. Now, keep in mind, these are MSc and PhD level scientists, people with intellect, maturity, people trusted with biohazards, and I will say who handled the samples with incredible professionalism. And yet someone, and I cannot stress this enough, someone had either shat into their own hands or lovingly retrieved it from the toilet bowl and smeared it all over the walls of the ladies' loo. It wasn't just a mark or a smudge. No, it was artistic. A nation's worth of eat out to help out bowel movement have been used. There was texture where texture should never be. Oh, stop it. It was like someone had decided to finger paint their trauma.

18:02Jackson Pollock, but make it poo. Themed horror. Obviously, no one came forward. No one ever admitted it and never happened again. with investigations, hush meetings, a full-scale whodunit. To this day, the identity of the Pooh Picasso remains one of science's greatest unsolved mysteries. I'm happy for my first name to be used, Jamie, and would like to clarify that we did phenomenal work and we did operate at the highest level of cleanliness in the laboratory as evidenced by our successful audit result. And my colleagues are still the most incredibly hardworking people I've ever met. We listen and we don't judge.

18:39Love you guys.

18:41Anna Williamson:I mean, that was a dirty protest over the four-hour shift pattern, I reckon. Someone just had a meltdown and thought, it's a shit show. But why do people do this? Just a momentary mental breakdown. But we've all been, like, hands up. I've never done that. No, not never done it, but you must have been into a toilet cubicle at some point in your life and someone smeared shit on a wall. You must have done. Public loo. Yeah, exactly. It's often the cinema toilets. There's always like a smear of shit on a wall. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Do you think they wipe and then smear it? Yes, I think they do.

19:13Anna Williamson:Like, ooh, leave my mark. I think it's just an act of vandalism. Like territorialness. Yeah. It's film. Disgusting. Grimo. Also, thank you for bringing that up. My brother actually did say to me the other week, it's good that you haven't mentioned that in a long while. Because everyone's, all my peers, his secretaries listen to this. So please go out to my brother. You know who he is. And ask him if he's still shit naked. He will actually bollock me. He's like, oh, you're a director now. Thank you very much, my partner. Time for a confession. Yeah. Okay, so here we go. Girls, it's me again. The one who matched with her married neighbour on Hinge.

19:48Anna Williamson:We've got an update. Well, this confession is that I listened to you reading my confessional on the pod. Oh. Whilst lying. She's done it. Post-coital in his bed whilst he popped out to buy milk for a cup of tea. I'm sorry I did it okay. Babe. She does say. Yes, it wasn't the best shag in the world and the excitement has now gone so I think I'll leave it alone now. That's what we told you. But we love the update. We did always say though, don't do it because it's never worth it. It's never worth it. It's never a good enough shag. The excitement and anticipation of the Fante is always better. Exceeds the actual act.

20:23Just don't do it. But thanks for telling us. Wow, what a corking confession to finish off this week's Luana Totally Extra. That is it for now but we will be back on Monday with your usual dose of Luana, the podcast. And yeah, see you later. And you can. Tell them all the bits, all the gufflets. Oh, yeah, all the gufflets.

20:39Anna Williamson:You can get in touch with us. It's very important you do because we don't have an episode if you don't. So the email to send all of your bits and pieces in, especially if you're a new listener and haven't written it down, it's Luanna at everythingluanna.com. Our WhatsApp number to send a message or a voice note to is 07745 266 947. We would love you more housekeeping. We know it's boring, but it's very important. Listen up. Please make sure you're following the podcast, that you click the follow button, that you're following our YouTube. Luana is now on Lootube. Lootube. Lootube. I wish it was Lootube.

21:12Anna Williamson:I'd be minted. You would, yeah. And you can watch it there now. And we would love a five-star review as well if you've got a couple of minutes. It makes all the difference to us. Thank you. Bye-zie-bye.

21:23Evening. Buyer's remorse.