TOTALLY EXTRA: The Gentleman Jack Meoff, Misheard Lyrics & Bangin' your Brother's Mate

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Welcome to Thursday. Good morning, good morning. It's Luanna Totally Extra with the Lou Meister, the A-Meister, Imogen Rose Hart. Yo. Boom. She doesn't have a name. You need a name. Minge Meister. Minge, Minge Meister. the minge meister and bex meister bex is on the floor social media manager bex how you doing bex one day you'll get a chair only one day Lou she's got 18 months to go she's on probation yeah look at her she's thinking fucking you what she's like I made you girls yeah she is she's like I fucking control this show she does this shit show well it's not even a joke we know this through transparency these girls Emma and Bex they run this shit Lou and I just we just wheel on in we're like two old grannies just wheel in I wish I would have put makeup on but I forgot.

0:58You look nice. I've got an itchy eye. Anyway, listen, this is Thursday. That's you with all your worms. And we're bringing you extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions, extra stories, extra you. This episode is all about you. And I love this first line, funny names from Lauren. Right, what you got, Lozza? She says, hi, lovely ladies. Absolutely love the pod. Long time listener since the COVID days. So I'm on my lilo. In mob. Yes, girl. Go on, girl. Go on, girl. Listening to today's pod when you discuss funny names. And my friend's mum is called Norma, and her married surname is Lee. Whenever someone is telling me a story and says normally, I can't help but annoyingly interrupt them and say, that's my friend's mum, normally.

1:45Even if they know who I'm talking about, I still say it. Even if I've said it before to them, I still say it. I know I'm being a pain, but I just can't help myself. Anyway, I wanted to tell you from Lauren Tish, who, by the way, has three daughters. Lauren Tish. Lauren Tish? Oh, this is her. She's Lauren Tish. Oh, yes. Oh, I thought there was like a... Waiting for the... I was like waiting for the thing. The punchline. There is a punchline. Oh, she says, I want to tell you, I'm Lauren Tish and I have three daughters, but if I had a son, he would be Scott, just so he could be called Scottish. Scottish.

2:22Bloody love that. That's a good way to start the pod. Oh, good one. Normally. That's me, Mum. Right, and from Kate. Got another funny name. Yeah, on the same trajectory. My son got engaged last week to his girlfriend after 10 years. His name is Will Game. Her first name is Chelsea. Chelsea Game, she will be. Up the blues. Up the blues. Kate Game. It's not as good as Tish. Not as good. But Chelsea Game, it's not bad. It's not bad. Right, we've got a voice note from and on, so we've called you Kitty Meow Meow. She named herself. I love that people are naming themselves the porn names. Kitty Meow Meow.

3:04Isn't your porn name supposed to be your first pet with your mother's maiden name? I think there's a lot of those things. There's a lot of those things. But if you're stuck and you want a porn name, use that theory, if that helps. Mine wouldn't be good. Harvey Gallagher. Oh, no, that's not. that's not an attractive porn that can't be the porn name recipe i thought it was um like your birth month is like pearl like i thought it was like your first pet and like the first road you ever lived on okay let's go with that one then harvey chatsworth lou yours sounds like it's from bloody bridgerton your porn name is a bridgerton mine would be bubble actually mine's quite good Bubblewood.

3:49Bubblewood is good. Mine would be Jemima Albert. That's actually just a normal name. Yeah. Although Albert, Prince Albert. There you go. Right, come on Kitty Meow Meow. Hi Luanna and Imo. Love the pod and all that. Cheers. Just a quick one. After listening to Thursday's pod and you guys talking about people getting married and taking on funny surnames that rhyme. And Lou mentioned Tannoys and things very over the town. Well, I work in a premium retailer, one of Anna's favourites. Premium. Especially at Christmas time. Yeah. And of course, we take in our shop, I don't know, fire evacuations, lost children, vulnerable adults, all of that stuff really seriously, as we should.

4:33And we have procedures in place to support that. My colleague was duty manager that day. Normally us managers are it probably one day a week. As duty, if you have any events like that, you are kind of the one that takes charge. So he had a boy come up to him and share that his vulnerable granddad was lost in the shop and that he was vulnerable. So therefore, we go into a tannoy to request him to go and meet us in a certain location. So off we go. The little boy kind of wakes outside. We go off the shop floor. And my colleague says, over the tannoy. Good afternoon, shoppers. Please can Mr Jack Mioff, I repeat, Mr Jack Mioff, go and make their way to our customer support desk up on the second floor.

5:16It wasn't until we walked back out, of course, that now this little boy has about five friends with him and they're all shouting, Mr. Jack me off, Mr. Jack me off, in the shop floor in hysterics of laughter. I don't think my friend has ever, or will ever, lived that one down. That was a rookie mistake. But yeah, thanks girls again. Love you, bye. Also, I am really here for the porn star name, so please give me the name or kitty meow meow.

5:46Jack me off. The thing is, what if Mr Jack me off was a person? They've still got to do it. Jack me off, yeah. Jack me off. We've got Petty Polly from and on so we called you Nancy. She says, hi Luanna in my own team. Oh, there you go. Brand new listener and making my way through your back catalogue diligently this summer of DIY. Oh, summer of DIY. There's a lot and you have gone back through the back catalogue Congratulations. So I'd share this yarn about pettiness with you. Not sure where it would fit in, but it might make you laugh slash cringe. It's a bit of a long one, so strap the fuck in.

6:20I'd like to think I've grown up a bit now at 37, but when I was 21, I could be pretty petty. To put this story into perspective, at 21, I'd been a volunteer firefighter for five years. That's a long time. That's a very busy station. We attended 70 % rescue, 20 % fire, and 10 % medical calls on average, all for free and in some cases we'll be losing income by attending these jobs. This is in New Zealand, she says, not in England. So I was well used to seeing gore, death and general misery at this stage. It was 4am, I was driving home from the station which took four minutes and I had been, oh gosh, at a triple fatality motor vehicle accident since 11pm after a full day at my normal paid job.

7:06God, what a trooper, all volunteering. That's stamina, isn't it? Really awful things you're seeing too. She says, I was knackered. So I'm about to pull into my street and my back window lights up with police lights. I diligently put over thinking that they're going to fly past. But no, they pull in too. That's odd, I think. The policewoman, new in town, walks up to my window and asks for my license. It's the law to carry it with you in New Zealand, to which I said, oh, hi, I was just at that crash with you. I didn't grab my license because I was in the bath when the pager went. True story, suds and all.

7:36And she just stares at me, unforgiving, and said, well, you don't have it. That's an$80 fine. And walked off to sort my ticket. I was seething. I'd spent the last five hours on the road with her. The first two hours trying to cut the survivors free and landing rescue helicopters, but there was no camaraderie from her. What a bitch. Anywho, fast forward two weeks and I'm still smarting from her smug little fine giving. When the pages go off with a cryptic message, please assist. off we go and I'm in the front seat in charge. We arrive at the scene and it's two people whose car had crashed down a steep bank about a week ago, middle of summer.

8:17This is relevant. And the police want us to go and do a body retrieval for them in BA I don't know what that means. Because of the smell in body armour maybe? Yeah maybe. Because of the smell and who is the police officer? Her. Oh. Well I had a young crew and if anyone was going to do it it would be me and my driver my bad demon shoulder was saying fuck that they will be rotten and it's going to be hard yucca to get them up off this cliff also fuck you lady we're clearly no team my good demon shoulder was saying build the bridge work together but the bad demon one i sweetly said no sorry don't have the crew i can lend you one kit and some masks though she was clearly spewing with this answer but had zero power over me or the situation since she had requested fire help.

9:04So off she and her off-sider went, down the long way through the farmer's paddocks to the car to do a body retrieval. Bag them, take them all, with only a handful of vomits and one near-looking faint. Anyway, love you girls and all that shit. Kudos to all the volleys in the world. Please keep me anon, as we weren't allowed to speak about jobs, hence the chronic PTSD, and even though I've told you the country and nothing else, it gives me anxiety, hence why I suck up therapy. Love anon. We'll call you Nancy. Next up, voice note rant from Rachel. Right girls, I've got another rant Another one How in this fucking day and age Can you have a full signal on your phone Of bars in 5G And not have signal Even when it goes to 4G And it's full bars But yet your phone doesn't work How?

9:54How can we go to Like I travelled to Devon the other week And you travelled to Devon And yet you can't get fucking signal How in this day and age can you not get fucking signal? I don't understand why you can't get fucking signal in places. And also when you have full bars, why that doesn't count as full signal. It's not full fucking signal. I don't have the fucking signal. Fucking piss me off. I've had a shit fucking week. It's the end of the fucking summer holidays. I can't wait for the kids to go back into fucking school. I hear you. And you never fucking play my rants. So I'm ranting, but fucking rant about you not fucking playing my rants.

10:33As well. I'm going to rant, rant, rant. Rant, rant. Anyway, I really love you guys. I'm Rachel. I'm from Brackadale. I am a wedding hair and makeup artist. And I'm trying to keep my cool before weddings. Anyway, love you. Bye. Oh, well, you've ranted and we've played it. God bless you. Signal, that's such a good point. I just don't know how we can put people in space and stay connected to them. and yet you can't drive to Devon and have a signal. I couldn't get it in my village the other day and I was going in and out, Wi-Fi on, Wi-Fi off and I was like, why is my RUD4G not working? I know. It's very odd.

11:08Right, new feature. Yes. We're gagging for it. Oh, this is going to be a good one. Yeah. Misheard lyrics. Oh, this is so good. We had so many. Oh, really? Yeah, this is so good. I have been the victim of this so many times and it's so embarrassing. But let's see, right? Livvy Haynes has said, not me, but my sister thought that we are family lyrics where we are living... Yeah, this is a Peter Kay gag. We're living life in a... I actually don't know what... I don't actually know what the lyric is. I'm going to find it. Emma's going to find out. Katie says, Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. Thought it was...

11:43Stabilise, stabilise. But yes. Brilliant. Chantel says, The Venga Boys were going to Ibiza, or Ibiza. I bloody thought they sang We're going to eat pizza. We're going to eat pizza. I meant to say to us, actually. Next up, we've got Donna. She says, I thought Oasis, Don't Look Back in Anger, sang Sally Can't Wave. Oh, Sally can't wave. She knows it's too late. It's so good. Sian says, I thought it said, don't go Jason Waterfalls instead of Jason Waterfalls. And Nikki says, you got me begging you for birdseed. instead of mercy. Maggie. Maggie says, Rihanna S &M. I don't know that song. I heard cheesy whips excite me rather than chains and whips.

12:36I can't remember that one. How's that going? Chains and whips excite me. Na na na, come on. Oh, that one. Come on. Flying like a G6. Annabelle says, I always thought it was fly like a cheese. Another one says, Taylor Swift, blank space. I'll write your name versus my Yorkshire. All right, Sinead. And I'll write Sinead. I don't know this song. Act, act. A-P-T. A-P-T-A-P-T-A-P-T-A. Oh, she thinks I sing I popped out a tit. I popped out a tit. My husband, this is that tiny, says, my husband always sings. I'm every woman. But the husband sings. I'm Terry Wogan. God bless you, Terry Wogan. I'm Terry Wogan.

13:29It's all in me. Bloody well, isn't Terry? He's cast it. One of my favourites. Sail away, sail away, sail away. While Marit thought it is, save the world, save the world, save the world. Brilliant. Can I just say, I want that to continue. Continue that, please. We've got more. We'll do them next week. My lover's got no money. He's got his trombolies. And my friend, she went, let me hear you say, it's supposed to be, let me hear you say wiggle. She was like, let me hear you say wiggle, wiggle. I then did a wiggle and looked like a right knob. So good. So good. I love that she did the wiggle, wiggle.

14:13I'm so confident that she knows that. And I also remember a guy I used to work with, a sound guy, and, you know, feed the world. Let them know it's feeding time. Christmas time. Christmas time. Christmas time. He thought it went FIFO. Whoa. What? I remember actually seeing him sing that. I go, what are you doing? Anyway. Did you find out, Inns? Oh, yes. It's We're Giving Love in a Family Dose. I never knew that. I knew it wasn't Femidom, but it does sound like Femidom. Family dose. Well, they definitely don't enunciate that. I don't really like that song. Do you not? No. We are family. Right, let's move on.

15:00We've got a voice note from Molly next. I've recorded this message five times now. And it sounds crap every time. I'm a new listener. Hi. Very good podcast. Thank you. Keeps us very entertained. Currently stuck in I.K. Here's car park with a sleeping baby in the back. The sun's blazed and I'm red hot. Listening to everyone's confessions. And I've got one. and I think other people do it, but I'm wondering, am I just the bad person? When I've got food in the fridge and it's like a couple of days, I would do it like two to four, maybe no more than that. I feed that to my partner. And I thought everyone did this.

15:36Like I won't eat it because it's how it is. But he doesn't know that. And if it smells okay, I mean, do I sniff it every time? Maybe not. I just cook it up. He eats it. He's fine. He's never died. He's never died. And I confessed this to his mother the other way. and she was not impressed by it. So she never does it herself to her husband. Am I in the wrong? Does everyone do it? Who knows? I mean, I've definitely... I don't do that. I've definitely given Al something that I think I'm probably not going to eat myself. That's so bad. It's all right. I'm just really picky. Wow. He's just not so picky.

16:10Well, I guess if he's not picky. He'll whack it in the microwave. He don't care. Right. Right. Kids say the funniest things from Jess. Hi, Jess here. Just listening to the podcast on the section about misheard song lyrics. Oh, it was popular. Oh, it was. My four-year-old can work the Alexa now, rather annoyingly. So she got it to play. Enzo does this all the time. So she's got it playing songs whilst we're all getting ready. On nursery day, yay. I walked into the kitchen to see her hitting her eye. Babe, what are you doing? I ask in a little panic. She's going to give herself a sore eye right before I take her to nursery and have to tell them that she's hit her own eye.

16:43She says, the song says it. Well, she's listening to the Superman song, the party one. know what black lace is in it, where in fact it says, hit your ride. Hit your ride. And she's gone, hit your ride. Oh, that's cute. Oh, that's so sweet. Hit your ride. Hit your ride. Oh, bless her little face. Poor little stupid child. Right, voice note wrap from a non-neck. So we called you Cherry Poppins. Right. That's a good point. Hey guys, love the pod and all that shit. I have a rant I don't even know if it's a rant it's just something that I really feel like I need to share with people my wife and I have a cleaning business and this morning we're on one of our regular cleans I moved to the top bathroom by the way this rant is just about men I think I am a lesbian so maybe I'm a bit biased so I've moved on to the top floor bathroom I've cleaned all the bathroom and now I've gotten to the shower cleaned the majority of the shower and then I'm like ugh there's like this weird like stuff on the wall oh no oh no And then it just hit me.

17:48This is semen. This is a man's spunk. No. And then I looked down and there's more of the jelly spunk on the fucking shower floor. And I've got to clean this. I'm a fucking lesbian and I'm cleaning a man's cum from a wall and floor. This is a life choice. I've gotten all of that cleaned and then I've gone over to the plug because I cleaned the plug last because obviously all this gross stuff goes into it. I've taken the plug lid off. And what is there? There's a man's fucking phlegm. I'm assuming it's the man's because I don't think anyone would do this. And if there are any women that would do it, honestly, you deserve life in prison.

18:25So there is this thick green phlegm. What I'm assuming is he's wanked. He's finished. He's climaxed all over the fucking shower. He's put one finger over one nostril and blown out of the other when this bright green phlegmy snot was in the fucking plug. and I've had to clean it. And I'm sorry, I should have given you guys a trigger warning. Anna, I know that you're probably gagging right now, which is going to make me gag when I hear this. But yeah, my rant is men. They're all cunts. It's a strong rant. Can I say that it might not have been cum, it might have also been phlegm in the shower. Or I have sometimes thought that conditioner, to your point, Lou, has been jizz, and actually it is just conditioner.

19:10So just tell yourself it was conditioner. Just get that spray thing and just spray hard. Right, let's try to talk about it. Confessions. Conditioner. I've never told anyone this. Conditioner, conditioner. That's my reset to phlegm. Just a quick parenting fail or win, if you look at it another way. Pornhub slash YouPorn login debacle. Which, by the way, I agree with. Us too. Yeah. So me trying to get signed in using normal email address and have no luck with it. See, this was my issue the other night, Lou. so try my other which is forgetting it's oh no forgetting it's linked oh no that's a really good point if I use my other one that is my kids use that for their you know Amazon logins or you know whatever they're doing yes so good job I didn't do it my kids don't have tech anymore I'm winning at last yes you got rid of the tech which forgetting is linked to my 17 year old son's iPhone and he gets a notification with the login code to the new Pornhub account I get a text to say it's come up and he assures me it wasn't him and I also assure him it's okay maybe someone has tried to get into an account but would need the code so not to worry too much.

20:13The knowledge it was actually his mother that was trying to access a Pornhub account will go to my grave. Safe to say the account is now set up. With him, now, none the wiser. I say that is risky, biz. He's like, Mum, this isn't me. It's not me. I'm not getting porn. Poor kid. Oh, no. Right, next confession. Hey, hey, babes. Loving the pod and all that jazz. Currently listening while ignoring the kids on the ferry on the way to France. Anyway, I had to message because I just remembered but a story from my teens that I have to share. Give me the granny name Josephine after my nan or porn star name Josie Takes It In The Fiend.

20:49Oh. God bless you, nan. Picture me this. I was 18 and I was free and sexually liberated. Yeah, go on. I'd go out every weekend in our local town and use the pole that was on the stage area at our one and only night couple in the village. Anyway, one night my best slut drops and twirling around the pole caught the eye of my brother's friend Tom. A few drinks later, a cheeky pex and a kebab in hand, I went home with Tom. A night of wild sex happened. Ha ha ha. As I'm typing this message, my seven-year-old starts reading over my shoulder. Let's not explain what the word sex means right now. Anyway, child's now occupied, so I'm going to continue.

21:25I was lying in Tom's bed the next morning and I was hungover. Naturally, I got the horn. We were really going for it when there was a knock at Tom's front door. We ignored it and carried on. Only the next minute, I hear my brother's voice shouting up the stairs, Tom, are you here, mate? And he started to come up the stairs. A look was exchanged between me and Tom. One was of pure shock. The other was no way my brother could find out I was there or that I'd been with Tom. We had an agreement. Friends were off the cards. So I did some sort of commando roll out of the bed and under the bed, and I laid there butt naked.

21:59I sneakily grabbed my clothes from next to the bed, under the bed with me, just in time for my brother as he came bounding through Tom's bedroom door. Cue my brother, then sitting on the bed, firing up the Xbox. I thought, for fuck's sake, how long am I going to have to stay here? Cue casual boy talk and an intense game or two of FIFA an hour. That's how bloody long I was under that bed. And I was fuming with Tom. He didn't even attempt to get my brother out of the room. I honestly think that he forgot I was there because he got up, got dressed and went out to play golf, locking me in his house.

22:33Oh, no. I had to climb out of the downstairs window to get out. in last night's Dress and Heels. My brother still doesn't know to this day and I think it's hilarious. I hope you enjoyed this. I wonder if my sister-in-law listens and will work out it's me. That's a risk I'm willing to take. Go on, girl. Oh, my God, fuming. That's just boys for you. What can lock you in the house? Do you know what? They would. They would just forget. He probably thought about it for five minutes then got sent to FIFA and then just went off to play golf. They'd just go sort of gormless when they're stuck into a game.

23:01Great confession, though. Emotions, happy. She just doesn't have to deal with anything. She's got to deal with jizz on shower walls. Thank God. No. Can I just say, we love men. We do. We love our men. I've got some lovely boys in my life. But that is it for this week's Luana Totally Extra. Thank you for listening. We will be back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. Yeah. Don't forget to get in touch with us. It's Luana at everythingluana.com. All of your stories. Our WhatsApp number is 07745266947. Thank you, Imsi. Five star review will be lovely. Do follow us if you aren't already. We look forward to seeing you Monday.

23:35Bye for now.

23:46This is a Global Player original podcast.