TOTALLY EXTRA: The Queen of Muff, Stoma Shagging & Baby Biltong

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you're here, you sexy little bitches, and you know you love it.

0:16Anna Williamson:Speaking of sexy bitches, our sexy little bitch, Imo, she's off looking at some sexy bitches with the lionesses. I read through all those lionesses. So we're flying solo, flying solo, flying solo. I want a polo. whoa because I get smelly breath though right this is our extra episode so the good thing is Lou we don't have to do much other than just listen and be entertained by you lot I need to get the bat phone up because Imo has sent all the things to me to us are you happy being bat phone bat phone operator was there any question that you were ever going to be the bat phone operator right shall we love hunt in right first up it's a message from anonymous so pat hi oh hey hey Lou Animo hey hey listener number seven from Parenting Hell.

1:00Anna Williamson:Oh, welcome, Pat. Seven bloody listeners now from that ill-fated episode. Thank you, Babs. Just listened to this week's Luanna Totally Extra and I have two stories right up your street to follow on. This is what we want. First up, the girl who couldn't quite say clock. Oh, yes, she said cock. When my son was a toddler, I took him food shopping and down the snack aisle, he loudly, as only toddlers do, I love cock porn, mummy. Do you love cock porn? Mortified, I quickly and very loudly for my fellow shoppers, yes, darling, mummy does like popcorn. Secondly, following on from old Mary Stoma Poppins, prison injuries are incredibly common for a little holiday to hospital.

1:45Anna Williamson:Think slash scrotums, swallowing weird shit, you name it. I work in oncology, cancer department. A sex worker unfortunately had to have a large part of her bowel removed and a stoma permanently created. That is a shame when you're a sex worker. That's a career-destroying answer. That is, yeah, that's unfortunate. Obviously, the nurse counselled her a lot about body image and also the potential negative impact on her income. It's true. On a review a few months later, she revealed that actually she was fine and dandy as it turned out that having an additional unusual orifice to offer up, oh dear, carried quite a lucrative price tag.

2:18Anna Williamson:Needless to say, the nurse said some very strong advice about infection risk to give. People are shagging their stoma hole. I mean, no. The people in this world. I mean, what is wrong with people? They're fucking dark and twisted, aren't they? You just don't know who you're walking among. You really don't. And you know what? That's the thing, Lou. I bet anywhere we walk, they're sitting around us. Someone that wants to shag a stoma bag. Anyway, thank you, Pat. Right, we've got voice note from Aoife. Right, here we go. Voice notes, plural. Right. Yeah, I'm still thinking about the stoma bag. First up.

2:53Yeah.

2:55Anna Williamson:Right, Lufanians. right you need to come to a place in Ireland forget about the UK this is our road trip enough about the UK right come over to Ireland there's three places you need to visit and they're all connected go on so number one we have Muff Mountain brilliant it's a whole mountain just call Muff and every year they have a fair it's one of the oldest fairs around it's an old horse fair oh I like that which Louisa would absolutely love I'm going to go for the Muffs it happens on the 2nd August I think every single year. So that's on, right? Just missed it. Fair enough, you got your horses.

3:30Anna Williamson:This place, it's like, it's a shed in the middle of nowhere. Horses and mess. Anna would actually love it as well. It's given all that shite she has to be posting, little family fair day, all that kind of shit. I love all that shit. There's an ice cream van, okay? Very sick, very cutesy, but also full of gypsies. Full of gypsies. Yeah, okay. They trade horses, but like that, it's a really old horse fair and, you know, bring the trailer over and you might have a couple of new horses. Yeah. So that's on Muff Mountain. We're done. It happens, it's traditional, it happens every year. And then directly in line across from that is a lake called Irvy Lake.

4:04Anna Williamson:And Irvy Lake is known locally as the dick-shaped lake because the lake is in the shape of a fucking dick, right? Fucking dick. And then move on down to the good old town of Nobber. N-O-B-B-E-R. Oh, I mean, Nobber. You talk about RIP.ie the whole time. Let me tell you, around these parts, There's no need for a repeat.ie. People know you're dead before you're even dead. I think you should just love it. It's just there's so much crack everywhere. Oh, I love you. Crack, not crack, okay. But, you know, crack like the crack. Good crack. Thanks, Aoife. We need to get Andrew teaching us a wee bit of Irishism.

4:43Anna Williamson:I know, crack. Irishisms and come over and be able to fully immerse yourself in the culture. But if you needed her guide, let me know. Aoife from Made. Brilliant. Aoife, I think I might have actually left out the best part. right so on the day of the fair of muff they do a little kind of go around and they pick the queen of muff there is only one queen of muff hailed every year on muff mountain and it could be one of you's if he's come yes we need to be the joint queens of muff queen of muff it's soon I mean Imo I reckon will give us a run for our money it's soon no it's happened babs No. She said it was 2nd of August.

5:26Anna Williamson:No, the second weekend. Oh. Well, that's like now, isn't it? So Muff Mountain, Dick Lake, Dick Shaped Lake. Oh, and Nobber. Fair of Muff. Go on. It's the oldest fair in Ireland, dating back to 1608. Go on. What date? Tracks hundreds of videos. It's, so this says it was held on the 12th of August initially. We're missing it. We're missing it. So when is it? Fair of Muff was the 14th of August 2014. It's literally about now. Annual Fair of Muff, 12th of August this year. Oh, I'm in Portugal. Yeah, it's not going to happen. Aoife, next year we should plan that though. Yeah, and we would like to be the queens of Muff.

6:12Anna Williamson:Yes, we would. Thank you for that. We really enjoyed that voice note. That was great. I love your accent, Aoife. I could just listen to you all day. She does, because her husband's from Ireland. Oh, I just love it. He's not as thick as that. No, no, that's a stronger accent. Right, Petty Potty from Rose next. Hi, Luana Mo. I am new to the pod. Welcome, beauty. But have been addicted from the first podcast and I'm working my way backwards. So I'm loving the pod and all that jizz. Say it, Anna. There it is. Please make sure, guys, you can go back and listen to our entire back catalogue of Luana episodes.

6:40Anna Williamson:Never be lonely. If you've come up to date, go back and listen to them again. In your head. Yeah, just on random, choose one and listen to another one. so she says I don't know if this is a petty poly confession or weirdo of the week but as Anna would say let's muff dive in lots of muff today lots of muff diving in so my neighbour is a really old bitter woman who takes every opportunity to moan about everything and anything for example the kids were making too much noise in the bath so she banged the bathroom window with a broom I mean that's such an old bastard thing to do isn't it the broom and when they watered the plants it made too much noise and oh god forbid I hoover at 9am You guessed it.

7:19Anna Williamson:Too noisy. You should buy some earplugs. You should, actually. So I had to plot my petty revenge and there was only one thing for it. So with Halloween around the corner, I bought a supply of condoms and eggs. I filled the condoms with egg whites. Oh, no. 50 of them. And just for good measure. This is brilliant. I dipped them in leftover tuna wine and I waited for my time to shine. This is quite genius so far. I waited until it was dark so I couldn't be detected by the ring doorbell and I took my opportunity. I loved all 50 condoms all over her. This has taken time. This is revenge. All over her drive, car and windows.

8:00Anna Williamson:Roll on the morning. I took enormous pleasure when she was scrubbing her windows, cursing the Halloweeners for their vile behaviour as she didn't give them treats. Sorry, not sorry. Keep up doing what you girls do as I'm totally loving the pod and no need to give me a granny name as I already have one. I'm Rose from Wolverhampton. She's out and proud. Rose is genius. I just hope she got those pourable egg whites instead of having to crack open all those eggs. That is a commitment. She wasted a lot of money in eggs. Well, good for her. There it is. Right, we now have a voice note rant from Grace.

8:34Anna Williamson:Hi, guys. Just want to say love the podcast and all that jazz. I've got a little rant for you. I'm just driving in the car listening to your podcast And it's something that annoys me On the daily As I work in the NHS And I think Louisa said something Or Anna did about Louisa There's no such thing As a fucking high pain threshold Okay I don't know where people make this up from Who's told you you have a high pain threshold Like this isn't a thing You've just come to this assumption Like can I make it clear If I stub my toe That fucking hurts Really hurts But like I've broken my elbow before Didn't feel it Like there's no such thing As people having a high pain threshold It's actually proven with gingers It's just you making it up Paper cuts hurt more than like certain things People need to stop saying it It's like my pet peeve When people come in I ask them about their injury And they're like yeah usually I've got a really high pain threshold No you don't so thank you shut up no need to give it I'm Grace and I love to podcast do you know I love the fact that Grace we love an opinion on this thank you Grace however we may have a counter one Lou this is a thing I'm telling you because we have talked about this gingers do have a higher pain threshold so yes it is true we've just we've just gone onto Google it is true that some individuals can have a higher pain threshold and tolerance than others.

10:10Anna Williamson:Pain threshold refers to the point at which a stimulus becomes painful, while pain tolerance refers to how much pain a person can endure before seeking relief. And factors like genetics, age and psychological influences can affect both pain threshold and tolerance. See, I have a good psychological, I can check out. I'm a massive fanny and I feel pain on every level. Maybe that's like related to anxiety that as well. Maybe. And then I just like, I'm like, oh, check out. Maybe, yeah. I'd be quite a good candidate to be kidnapped and interrogated. That would be good. It says here, I mean, I could get a pin and just keep poking you with a pin if you like.

10:51Anna Williamson:It says here pain sensitivity can change throughout life, with some studies suggesting older adults may have a higher pain threshold. I sort of assume that, actually. And I don't know if that's just maybe because you get older and you're a bit more wiserled up to stuff, you know. But you know what? We're here for these counter-opinions, Grace. Actually, Grace, it is a thing and you're wrong. Bye. Keep listening, though. Right, I've got a message from Heidi next. She says, just listen to how much to lick my placenta. I meant to bring those pills in. Anna just said she has her children's umbilical cores and it reminded me of what happened when my second child was born.

11:29My son was six weeks premature and spent just under three weeks in the special care baby unit. He was kept toasty and warm in an incubator and often put under the bililite, which obviously helped his umbilical cord crust up nicely. So it only took a matter of days after we got home to fall off. My husband had gone back to work at this point, so I popped it on the side to show him when he got home. I went to the other rooms, changed my son's nappy, and when I got back, I realised that the cord was not there. Thinking baby brain had really got me and I was imagining things, I went about my day. And a little while later, I realised the dog was chowing down on what initially I thought was a chew, but oh no, it was not a chew.

12:09It still had the yellow plastic clamp attached. The dog proceeded to eat that too. Who knew that you have to hide things like this from your pets? My dog thoroughly enjoyed his little taste of baby Bill to home. Maybe this is the way forward rather than keeping a chilling selection of V2S body parts as mementos. No need to keep me in on. I'm Heidi from Gloucester, and thanks for keeping me giggling.

12:30Anna Williamson:I actually, after that episode, I had so many people message me about it. I actually went and found the umbilical cord. I'll bring it in. I'll bring it in for show and tell when Imo's back. Right. Our new little segment, we are gagging for it. So we previously asked you your funniest reasons for dumping someone. And you delivered, baby. So we are going to pick out some of our... We're going through our Everything Luanna Instagram inbox. Pick out the best ones. Right. We do this on our Instagram account, which please give it a follow. It's at everything underscore Luanna. All the juice and the tears on there, basically.

13:08Anna Williamson:So I've got to pick the first one. He had a lisp. It drove me crazy. RIP. That's it. She's done it. So the reason for Rachel dumping her partner, he didn't poo and we'd been away for five days, not once. I don't trust a man with bad bells. She dumped him for not doing a shit. She dumped him for being constipated. So she dumped him this other one. holes dumped her bloke because his mum peeled his oranges for him. Oh. And then I'll go with this one. The ick got too much. There's two. This is why there's so many single people. They're so fucking fussy. These ones. Oh, my God. I don't know. Should this be anonymous?

13:48Anna Williamson:Okay, it's going to be anonymous because there's someone here who's actually quite famous who has responded. And she has said he has, I don't know if you know who she is, but I know who she is. He had a stumpy penis. Soz. Let me see who it is. And then another one, someone said his penis was like a pencil. So you see, penises seem to be... Do you know who that is? No. I'll tell you after. Someone said he bought me a birthday cake and it gave me the ick. Oh, no, that's just mean. And then people moan about why they're bloody single. Yeah, no, that's mean. Someone else put, I was dumped because I don't drink tea or coffee.

14:26Oh, strong. Okay. I stopped dating a guy because he said I was a diva for needing 20 kilos of luggage allowance. Someone else dumped someone because they couldn't use chopsticks. I mean, this is the reason, girls, why you're still on the show. He went down on me. His tongue only touched me for 30 seconds and he came everywhere. Oh, maybe she's got a good noon. He wouldn't pay 50p for extra avocado in a little fast food Mexican restaurant. Right, done.

14:57Anna Williamson:I would have dumped him for that. Bye, Felicia. Yeah, I would have, bye, Felicia, that one. She did. She dumped him for that. Yeah, I would have dumped him for that too. Hairy back. Ew. Oh, well, that's quite normal. Just get some feet on it, babs. Or get down Aquatox for laser. Go on. Give me your last couple. His belly button was smelly. He would always sniff it, even when wanking off. Ah, that's disgusting. No, he's gone. Gone. He's out. Last one. Someone put, he ate a sloppy curry with his mouth open and I nearly vommed at the sound. No, someone else dumped someone because he had a fleece with a wolf howling at noon on the back of her.

15:34So many things are so harsh. This is so mean. Another one. So harsh. He did a pop quiz with his friends every Tuesday. They had a team name, so she dumped him. Oh. Like for being social and enjoying himself. Guys, no. Someone else dumped someone because they wouldn't jizz up her. Oh. They didn't eat vegetables. I mean. I mean. Come on. I mean, we're nitpicking, aren't we, gang? Someone else said the way he pronounced bath and grass gave me the it. Well, he's just northern. No. Or southern. Someone dumped someone because he couldn't get the waiter's attention.

16:10Anna Williamson:I mean, that just screams of high expectations. No, someone else dumped someone because he used his Facebook as his main source of social media.

16:25stop he wanked into my favorite pig socks i mean the these are absolutely fucking brilliant

16:33Anna Williamson:he wore crocs and a blazer on a date oh my god that's a blazer oh god this was good natalie dumped him because he thought he could rap i mean that is an ick i'm not gonna lie oh my god oh my god these are so funny so good bex i think we're on social media if you don't mind putting together a bit of a anonymous carousel smorgasbord. A little animated thing. I mean, there are some brilliant ones. So listen, this week's we're gagging for it. We want to know what celebs you've snogged please. There's so many. Bex, we need to... You deliver, guys. But you do deliver. Thank you so much for that. We love our little gays.

17:14I mean, we could have kept going with that. So this

17:16Anna Williamson:week, yeah, have you ever snogged a cheeky celeb or even a really shit celeb. We want to hear about it. Get onto the Instagram. Can I just say that whenever we talk about, whenever we've been on tour and we've asked people this question, Dean Gaffney always comes up. It's always Dean Gaffney. And Lee Ryan. They've always snogged Dean Gaffney or Lee Ryan. Danny Dyer comes up quite a bit. Really? He came up quite a bit, yeah. I don't remember that. Right, let's crack on. We've got a voice note round from Alex next. I've just got back from Tesco. I was telling his part on the opposite side of his car park to the store with my three-year-old who wants to try and kill himself in front of cars.

17:49All because

17:51Anna Williamson:One fucking old lady Was parked in the mother and child bay With a baby sleeping inside the car Like What the fuck I know people have ranted about the mother and child spaces before But I'm just going to have to do it again Because those spaces are not for children Sleeping in the car It's for children getting out of the car Because you need extra space To get them out of their massive car seats Or to like stop themselves killing themselves by crossing a busy car park like not for children sleeping in the car that's just lazy people not wanting not wanting to walk an extra 10 steps whilst waiting for their daughter to go and get their pint of milk in tesco so they didn't want to get the baby out because she sounds so sad about this actual fuck like stop being such a fucking lazy dick and just park the car on the opposite side of the car park and walk yeah I'm really annoyed she's down 12 her name's Alex, I'm from Cornwall and I hate people who park in Mother and Child spaces when they've got sleeping babies in the car no babies at all and they're just lazy she's still going that was the like car mess she sounds resigned Yeah, exhausted.

19:16Yeah, just so over it. She's like, fucking three-year-old's nearly killed himself. Anyway, right, we have never told, no, not we, I've never told anyone this, but it is time for some confessions. First up, hi, girls, love the pod and all that jizzle. You make the monotonous task of housework on my days off so much more bearable, so thank you. Please keep me in on. Call me Betty. This is a confession I've only ever told my best friend, because, of course, with best friends, there ain't no judgy Judy. So during my weekly alone time doing the house admin, I used this opportunity to get rid of a bit of tension and have a good old wank, not listening to the pod at the same time.

19:54What gets me really going is male gay porn. I love it. I don't like watching gay porn. It gives me the ick. No, I'm not. Because I don't like it.

20:07Anna Williamson:Male gay porn or women gay porn? I don't mind women. I don't like watching men. I don't want to watch male gay porn. I've got nothing against it. It just doesn't do it for me. Right, I love it. Especially with lots of dirty talk and with all the bellends and whistles. Always skipping to the good stuff, which is probably made all the bit stranger. As I'm an A-star lesbian. Wow. I've never touched a dick. That'll be why, though. Side note. It's a kink. Yeah, I'd like to know if this is a common thing or if I'm on my own on this. No, it's actually, that's quite understandable. Really? I make sure all the windows are closed so no one can hear the said porn.

20:43I live on a new build estate and we all know how crammed in the houses and gardens are. So last summer, I chose my porn of the day and settled in for what would be a fabulous whack, except there was no sound. And I tried turning the volume up full blast. Oh, not another one, Lou. So I found another video fast forward into the main event. Nothing. I can see they're full on at it, dirty talking away. What's going on? So I think, oh, well, this will have to do. then the horror sets in as I realise coming from the garden speakers outside is the sound of my guilty pleasure playing for all to hear my fucking phone was automatically linked to the bluetooth garden speakers and that's why there was no sound on my phone bearing in mind it had been a good five minutes of me getting my rocks off before I realised I'm literally mortified knowing that because it was the hottest day of the year where people were outside and everyone had their windows open the worst thing is I have no idea who if anyone heard it deny it it's not like I can go and ask the neighbours did you hear any bumming coming from my garden took me a long time to think oh fuck what can I do exactly but let it be a lesson to always check what speakers your phone is connected to before listening to anything you don't want people to hear it was a traumatic event but I'm chuffed that I may have a confession that's Luanna worthy keep doing what you do keep up what you do lovelies I love you Betty

21:55Anna Williamson:it's when I get in the car it does not porn but when I get in the car it kicks alright although your bluetooth kicks in so whatever You've been listening to Blairs out on the, I mean, many a time. Well, if you're scrolling and like weird videos that you're watching. And my kids hear stuff they shouldn't hear, basically. Just bad language. Granny porn. Well, it's more bad language. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, into the curve. Right, listen. Next one. We've got a straight manner. Yes. Hi, ladies. My name is John. I'm 44, married, and I'd like to tell you about what happened to me late last year. Well, John, you are welcome.

22:28Anna Williamson:In October 2024, I underwent a full circumcision. due to a wound I attained in university back in 2021. Well, he waited a long time to sort that out. Maybe he can relate to the dude we had on the main episode with his banjo having gone. I'd damaged my foreskin whilst doing some anal shagging with my then-girlfriend. And despite healing okay, it had become painful in recent years. That's strange, isn't it? Maybe scar tissue. During the procedure, in which I'd opted to have only a local anaesthetic, the surgeon asked how I'd obtained such a damaged willy. Not wishing to fib, I explained about my uni exploits.

23:04Anna Williamson:We all had a chuckle, including the nurses and assistant surgeon. It was only a little later that I noticed one of the nurses looking at me a little intensely. Don't tell me it was fucking her. Don't tell me. The procedure was over shortly afterwards. And a couple of hours later, I was discharged with a handy pamphlet on post-surgical care. It was only a couple of days later whilst reading the literature that I noticed on the back of the leaflet the name Abigail, written in FIRO and underneath a mobile phone number. I was eaten alive with curiosity. Stop it. So I text this number and introduce myself.