TOTALLY EXTRA: Theatre Etiquette, Binfluencing & An Angry Pirate

0:00Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Meet Morgan Jones. Morgan is about to step into a world unknown to most, thanks to Progressive's renter's insurance, a place of fresh linens and turndown service.

0:39You see, Morgan temporarily vacated her apartment and has gone to a hotel because a pipe burst in her apartment, a pipe that made her sense of reality, and apartment ceiling all come crashing down. Luckily, Morgan checked into Progressive's Protection Zone. Get a quote at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and third-party insurers. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content. But, of course, you know you love it. You do. Happy Thursday, guys. Happy Thursday.

1:18It's Luana Totally Extra. Yes, we are here, aren't we, Luli? We are here, and guess what? We're here every Thursday. This episode is an episode all about you. and this is extra, extra rants, extra chats, extra confessions, which are my personal favourite. The stories, the petty pollies, the gifts, all of it. Don't forget, guys, though, first of all, if you haven't done this already, please make sure you are following our podcast, Luan and the podcast, on your favourite podcast platform. It's super important to us and that you subscribe on YouTube. Hello to our YouTubers. Subscribe now. Subscribe now.

1:53Right. Personal favourite of ours, let's muff hunt in with some misheard lyrics from Emma. Here we go. She says, hi ladies, I love listening to your amazing podcast. Thanks Emma. And I have a misheard lyric for you. The years, I have sung along to Avril Lavigne's Complicated. I love that song. It takes me back to my first pony club camp days. Singing with all my mates. And I've always sung, chill out. Chill out, wash your yellow floor. Though instead of chill out, wash your... Oh, so she sings, chill out, wash your yellow floor, instead of, chill out, what's she yelling for? What a knob. My kid finds this hilarious, and now deliberately they sing the wrong lyrics every time we hear it on the radio.

2:36I hope this makes you laugh. Emma from Cornwall. Love that. I love that song. That is a good song. Why'd you have to go make things sound complicated? I see the way you're acting like somebody else, making me frustrated. Do you have a phone with your kids, right? Life's like this, yo. But when you're in the car with the kids, I am shocked and really impressed why my kids know all the songs. I don't know any lyric. They know any song and they know every bloody lyric. Ed Sheeran, Benson Booth. Songs I don't even listen to come on and I'm like, wow. The reason why I say that, they know every lyric to Arafil Levine.

3:12But I'm like, go on kids, how have you learned it? I don't know. It's weird. Are you the same, Lufanians? Why do your kids know all the song lyrics? Voice note ramp from Vicky. Hi, gorgeous ladies. I'm standing here doing my ironing, listening to your fabulous podcasters, as always, and just thinking, actually, I think I need to vent. Go on. And perhaps need some advice on what to say. I'm getting so, so, so pissed off when you go to the theatre, particularly. You spent a bloody fortune on the tickets, and you know, you've got your journey to London, etc. It's an expensive day. And people want to start fucking talking.

3:48Oh, no. is becoming commonplace. And also, when you go to the cinema, it's the same thing. Or people are kicking your chair. The latest thing is my local theatre has started selling sweets. They've got a sweet new sweet stand. I had five people behind me the other evening rustling their papers. Do you want to sweet? Just literally stop frigging talking. My head's going round like I'm going to get whiplash. And I think a lady did get the message because she sort of looked at me and then sort of dipped her hand in really quietly. Just leave, you know, empty your sweets out into your lap or a cup or something.

4:27But it's the talking. It's the, oh, do you want a drink at half time? No, no, no, no. Why are you talking? It is, honestly, I am noise sensitive, admittedly. But I am honestly going to end up, I need some advice on what to say. Louisa, you must have something good to say. What can I say without causing a row? Because if it's someone with a blow and the bloke has a go. I know my husband will get... There'll be like an argument. Anyway, I feel better for ranting, but advice please, ladies, because it is just really, really, really getting on my nerves, as you can probably tell. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my ironing now, but I feel like I've let off some steam.

5:09Thank you, lovely ladies. No need to hide my name. I'm Vicky from Hertfordshire. Lots of love. I think a bit of whiplash, whiplash neck and a shh with a death stare. Well, that's good. And I was about to say, to be honest, I am in the same boat as Vicky as well as Peter Andre. It's Vicky for me this week because, you know, I mentioned the other week about my recoseco with Sturge Soleil. Yeah. The only thing that marred it for me slightly, girls, was there was a very loud talker behind us. And I did the whiplash quite a few times to try. I think that's what we do, don't we? We want them to know that we can see.

5:46So we sort of, you know, do that. And the guy behind me needed to shut the fuck up and get a job on the stage. Maybe he should have just said that. Because all he was doing was critiquing the people on the stage. Shut up. And you know, in that showy off way to whoever he was sitting next to, and he was just like, oh my God, clearly this is what he's been rehearsing for, his big moment. You know, and you're just like, shut up. Maybe just shut up. Well, I was going to say, but I was the same. Or please silence your lips. But I was the same as Vicky. This guy was quite a big dude behind me. and I was with Al and normally I'd like let Al do it because he can be like angry Italian problem was Al had just broken his arm and he looked a bit pathetic so I thought turning around with my you know Alex with his you know arms slinging and everything but I did I kept whiplashing and he didn't shut up and it actually really ruined it for me I was really cross about it but I did exactly what Vic was doing I sat in the car on the way home excuse me you're ruining this experience for me because you're talking too much yeah I should have said that why didn't I say it because you're British yeah right first kiss from Manon so we're called you Sparkle Tets Hello, love the pod and all that Please keep me in on Call me Sparkletits Let me take you back to 2006 I was 12 years old And now in secondary school Oh, you make me feel old I was in a relationship with Callum Who told me he was only half a virgin Because he had kissed loads of people before Oh, only half 12 year old me was intimidated By the experience of my new half virgin boyfriend We were in our drama class playing truth and dare and I was dared to snog Callum.

7:16I told Callum of my fears that I didn't know how to do this. So he gave me the instructions to stick my tongue in, go 180 degrees one way, 180 degrees the opposite way and then we would be done. Nice. I asked if we could go behind the stage where it was private. He was shorter than me. So I had to stand. So he had to stand on a step. This was my moment. I closed my eyes and I followed the instructions I was previously given, confident that this would maybe mean he would no longer be a half virgin and maybe now make him only a quarter. After what felt like forever, I pulled back and smiled at him, to which he uttered the words, You did it wrong.

8:02I was gutted. Everyone had been watching from behind the stage curtain. The curtain opened and they all laughed. Callum proceeded to tell everyone that I did it wrong. I shamefully wandered to the next lesson, which was science. Callum shortly met me outside the science lesson and he dumped me. Oh, well, I think he's probably still smaller than me. Bless her. That's like... Imagine when you're 12 and that happening. She did it wrong and Callum was still a half virgin, not a quarter. It's probably like one of those moments where like you lie in bed 20 years later and you're like, I'll remember when that happened.

8:44Do you know what? I mean, it's not the same as that, but even little Elle came up to me the other day. And it's like the first little nibble I'm having now of her like starting to grow up a little bit. She's like, mummy, I don't know if your kid is a private chat. I was like, all right, OK. What is it? She's like, no, no, no, come, come, come. Get into the bedroom. She's like, well. She went, well. Insert name of female best friend. so and so she went asked me if I would be her valentine I know and I was like she went but isn't that like like a boyfriend girlfriend thing did you say you're a lesbian now and I said well I said it's about whoever you love in your life I said anyone can be you know you can love anyone and she was like oh and I said do you want to be her valentine she said yes I do and I said well that's lovely I said should we go to the shops and buy Clinton cards you remember back in the day do you remember you used to buy those bears the love heart bears and I said should we go to the shops and get something for her she was like okay don't tell daddy and is this your first thinking that your child's a lesbian she might be and she didn't want to tell daddy but it was so sweet our kids are really repping the lesbians they are yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:06Clemmie's well into that girl's football. There you go. She won player of the match. Good. Yeah. And I told Clemmie that I played with the lionesses. There you go. I expanded it to S's, not just one lioness. I said, you know, mummy's played football with the lionesses. She won a player of the match. She loves football. She's quite good as well, you know. The teacher said, has she played before? I said, no. She's amazing. Do you know why she's amazing? that's pretty good as well you know yeah because they're ballsy Clemmie doesn't give a shit she's so tough she fucking runs into everyone Elle can be timid but she's tall and she is quite sporty Clemmie's tall and sporty well there you go so yeah watch this space we've got a voice note from Katie next hello girls just listening to the episode about binfluencing oh and I'd like to take Hertfordshire County Council bins yes and I will raise you Cotswold District Council bins.

11:06Talk to me. Our bin collection is every other week, but the recycling side of it, we have general waste. We have the regular garden waste. Yes, tick. Food waste. We have to separate our recycling into plastic and cans, glass, paper, cardboard. And then we also have a service where if you've got small electrical items, you can put them in a bag and put them out of your bins. They go as well. And then obviously the usual Christmas tree collection. So yeah, it's a bit of a pain in the arse every other week to separate. Although I'm all for recycling. I'm like, how much is actually getting recycled?

11:54Who knows? But anyway, it is a bit of a nightmare with the bins. It takes me about three or four times to lug everything out every other week and then sometimes they don't even collect it because we're out in Illinois in the Cotswolds. Great. And also, just a quick one, shout out to my friend Emma who, in our village where we live, she's like the first house coming into the village so she is the the binfluencer, sorry, not the influence of the bins, the binfluencer because she's always the one that everyone follows suit because her bins are always out first and then you can just tell the whole village as they come home from work on a Monday night.

12:37All the bins then go out because she knows what day it is. It's quite a responsibility. So shout out to Emma. Do you know what my gut reaction to that is? What the fuck are we paying council tax for? Surely. A hell of a lot of council tax. My council tax is enormous at the moment. This is somebody's job. Well, it's a lot. And it's not ours. We're not getting a discount on council tax for doing all this shit. I am so happy I don't do any of this stuff. Well, I'm with her. I love the fact that she's raising Harts County Council. It's too much. Bloody ridiculous. I mean, bin fluencing is taking the UK by storm.

13:09There it is. Thank you for that. I feel actually really sad. I actually want weekly content from you now. Would you like it? I bet there's a kink for that. I think you should do a... Would you like me to vlog? Yes. You should do a vlog. Come with me as I put my bins out. Yeah. And I will wait. And as my neighbours all come out one at a time like lemmings. Clip it up. That's it. Like lemmings. yeah influencing I swear to god next time we do our content shoot if you get me to film this I'm going to I'm quitting I'm actually getting no you're not you are you are going to film it you do know that right oh Bex this is happening right let's move on we've got a message from Anan so Antique and I've got a high vis vest right you go yes hi Luana Mo oh hi Luana Imo Bex here you go Bex please keep me anonymous and use my name Antique just wanted to write in to say how thankful I am for your Facebook page you are welcome Bex wasn't thinking that a few weeks ago.

14:00I posted recently asking for advice after finding out my boyfriend was cheating. I'm also pregnant. I didn't see that. Oh, babes. Bastard. Bastard. Understandably, I'm devastated about this, but I cannot thank the wonderful girls who responded and gave me the best advice. I do have a very close group of friends, but I wasn't ready to tell them and sometimes it's easier seeking advice from strangers. It really is. There was no judgment, nothing, but the kindest messages and support. You Lufanians really are the best and I'm so grateful to Lou and Anna and the rest of the team for creating this amazing community and safe place.

14:33The girls who commented that day, thank you. Thank you for being there. You will be pleased to know that I have separated from that arsehole. Thank you again, Lou Fannins, for being there. A fellow Lou Fannins. That is lovely. Do you know what? Since we cleaned up the Facebook page. Well, we didn't really because then Anon came back and out of our control. Well, but not as much. Is it a lot better? It's a lot better. It is a lot better. It's messages like that. We don't even give one warning now. We just remove. And it's messages like that that make it exactly what we want it to do is to be a place of community.

15:02So thanks, everyone. That's lovely. And good luck with your pregnancy. We've got a voice note from Louise next. Louise. Louise. Hi, Luanna. Love the pod. And I thank the day that my mate introduced me to it. So I am near on catching up because I only started quite recently listening to you. and I was recently listening to an episode about the woman getting with a man who had it all but was a bad kisser. So I thought that I would share my best bad snog story. Top juniors, which is year six and nowadays speak, isn't it? Last day of the year and I decided it was time to snog the boy that I'd fancied for ages.

15:54Let's call him Jamie. I was moving back home, never to return, and he was continuing onto the local secondary school. And I stupidly told my friends my plan. So soon, a large crowd of giggling 10 and 11 year olds were poised, waiting for me and Jamie to get it on. So I went in, our mouths widened and met and I thought, oh my God, I am snogging. Of which the thought immediately made me snort with laughter mid-snog which resulted in two things. Number one, his and my cheeks just blew outwards with the breath pressure. And number two, unfortunately, I had recently had a cold and a big ball of snot flew out of my nostrils and onto his cheek.

16:57So as we pulled apart, a thick yellow snot, snail trailed from my nose to his cheek in obvious, no one cannot see it, stringy mess. I swiftly said goodbye and that was that. so I do feel that it is my chance that I can publicly apologise to Jamie who last known living somewhere in South England may still have PTSD I did for a while because I was 14 before I plucked up the courage to snog anyone again no need to keep me a non Louise from South Wales love you Louise it's the blowing out of the cheeks that got me

17:46Oh, we've got shit gift next on Jasmine. She says, so my story starts two days before last Christmas. I was making avocado and eggs for myself and my partner before work, a pre-Christmas treat. Rushing to get it all done in time and not thinking, I go to stab the avocado stone. Completely missed the stone and stabbed my hand. Now for context, I'm a doctor. So you would think that in this situation I would feel prepared, maybe stay calm, apply pressure. But I don't know, I ran around the house screaming my partner's name as blood spurts all over me. The furniture, and worst of all, all over my cats, who are both looking at me with very confused faces.

18:23So much so that when my partner eventually comes down, sleepily, and with his eye mask still half on, he assumes something has happened to the cats, not me, until he sees my hand. Eventually, he calms me down, puts pressure on to stop the bleeding. However, just as he does, my rush of adrenaline starts to drop and I start shouting, I'm going to faint, I'm going to be sick, get me a bucket. Before slumping in my chair, they do say that doctors make the worst patients. Eventually, I've shut up enough to let him assess the wound, a lovely deep cut that is going to need stitches. So off we trudge to A &E.

18:56However, before doing so, I made sure we delayed our trip to eat our breakfast, minus the avocado, much to the confusion of our families when we've told the story to them. but there's no way I can sit with my other half for potentially hours in A &E, both unfed and hangry. Sadly, to make it worse for my partner, he is a doctor in our local A &E. So as he was spotted by colleagues, he knew, he had to repeat the story of his partner's incompetence and incoordination whilst they all gave me pitying looks. Luckily, when the consultant saw him with me in the waiting room, we did get rushed to the department.

19:28That's the only perk of working for the NHS. Sadly, it turns out I'd likely cut a nerve in my hand as I completely lost sensation down one of my fingers. I know. So I needed an operation under plastic surgery, which joy of joy, because of Christmas, couldn't be done until after the new year, despite being classed as an emergency. But it did get me out of any cooking duties over Christmas. Most ironically for Christmas, my sister had bought me an avocado cutter. I know. As I'm known for my clumsiness. Oh, no. Sadly, it was two days late to save me. To make it better, it was the bottom of my ring finger into my hand I cut and I'm getting married in July this year so I'm desperately hoping the scar heals well in time as it's currently just a bumpy mess not the photos I've imagined lesson learned if you're known to be clumsy never take shortcuts whilst well never take shortcuts whilst wow Louisa wow really special if you are known to be clumsy never take shortcuts whilst cooking I will now forever be known by everyone at work as avocado girl the most middle class nickname I've ever seen be given.

20:34Love Jasmine in Cheshire. That's so middle class. Avocado girl. Yeah, bless you babes. Why is she stabbing the stone though? I stab it to get it out. Do you? With a blade. Yeah, you go Oh, I just use a spoon to pop it out. No, a hack is you stab, you use a knife. Yeah, you stab the knife in and it lifts out. No. Yeah. Spoon probably. Maybe save. Not sure I'll be trying it. I just go, yeah. Voice note round from Anonymous, so Seema Holwick. Hello ladies. I hope you're all well. I have a rant for you about the Olympics. Now, my boyfriend and I have been watching a lot of the Winter Olympics. Really?

21:11Skiing in a few weeks, and it's really getting us in the holiday mood. However, there are certain sports in the Winter Olympics that I don't think should be sports, and my partner disagrees with me. The biggest one that I absolutely hate is curling. I'm sorry, but it's not a sport. Oh, my dad loves it. My partner says that they're really skilled. they know what they're doing and it must be really hard yeah I get that, they're probably skilled but it doesn't make it a sport it's the equivalent of playing um darts or a board game, it's a game, it's not a sport they don't have any strength they don't have any agility they just stand there and shoot a ball we don't have pensioners playing ball in the Olympics because it's not a sport you're just rolling a ball towards to target.

22:01Anyone could do it. You could train a monkey to do it. So that's my rant. I don't think it's a sport. I also don't think the luge and the bobsleds are a sport. Oh, I love that. The luge is really good. Adrenaline seekers, they're really brave. I definitely wouldn't do it, but it doesn't mean it's a sport. All they've done is jump in a sled and see how fast it can go. I need to watch the winter. Oh, it's been really good, actually. Everyone's been saying how brilliant it is. Oh, all of them. On the Bebe. On the Bebe, yeah. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home.

22:33From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah. I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fire?

23:18With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer. All right, let's dive in with the final bit of this pod, the confessions. I've never told anyone this, but hi, besties. I'm not sure if this qualifies as a weirdo confession or a reco, but I'm regretfully burdened with a challenging mother-in-law. And when she's been a massive cockhead, I like to go online and search for designer black dresses that I could wear to her eventual and not at all wishful funeral.

23:52That's bad. That's so bad. It's even more satisfying when I'm scrolling and she's physically present. Stop. 10 out of 10 recommend a secret black dress phone album to anyone else who has the misfortune of having an emotionally stunted geriatric toddler in their life. Peace and love. Oh, you, oh. She's literally saving funeral dresses. Right in front of her. Oh, I've got a numb ass. Strong, some strong hatred. Next one. Hi, Luanna team. Please keep me on and call me Camping Cum Shot. Brilliant. Done. Set the scene. 16, just discovered sex and I was always horny. Oh, do you remember that? Always being horny.

24:24I wish I was always horny now. Back in the day. What happened to me? We all just grew up, Lou. We all just stopped feeling. Although, I really recommend the HRT. I think I'm going to go and get some HRT. It's starting to help, girls. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, definitely feeling a little old tinge in the minge. Really? More than I used to, anyway. Maybe I should go. No, I'm thoroughly converted. On a wholesome family camping holiday, every night, me and my... You need to watch out tonight at the sleepover. You're not sleeping in my bed. You can fuck off. Now will you wait. You live. I prefer sleeping with Immo than you Charming Well you'll have no choice tonight Immo's a good sleeping partner She sleeps like she's dead She does to be fair She is a good sleeping partner Actually I've got a cough A lot of noise Yeah you don't want me There's a lot of noise that comes from you I can't be dealing with the arguing Because you'll end up being really annoyed with me Because of my cough Well luckily there's a lot of rooms Hooray Anyway Every night me and my boyfriend We would both sneak to the family bathrooms Have a quickie After we brushed our teeth And casually go back to the two man pop up tent like it was the most romantic thing we'd ever done.

25:27We couldn't even sit up in the tent, let alone try shagging. We did try sideways, but my tits hit the inner lining of the tent. One night in the pitch black, I decided to give my boyfriend the head of his life. Yes, girl. I was giving all my best throat moves, clenching my fist as not to gag. Thanks to the schoolgirl rumours, this is true. And like a Tetris master in the tiny tent. Wait, what is that? I was like, hang on, you need to stop here. I haven't heard this. So if you clench your fist, if you clench your thumb, I think was the rumour, then it like stunts your gag reflex. Stop it. Well, I'm going to test this out.

26:04Have you heard that, Bex? That's what I heard through school anyway. Well, you're the only one with a man here tonight. Exactly. So you need to get sucking Alex off tonight. Clench your fist. Clench your thumb in your fist. Peter and Paul. Fucking Peter and Paul. They're back. Of course they are. He's in the toilets again. I've spent about 10 years at this house. I was going to say. So Bex, can I please just do it tonight? For us, just give Alex a blowjob. Yeah, but we're head of HR. What did you say? Such a HR violation. Well, you just need to suck him off. But we're head of HR. We're head of HR.

26:38So tonight, this is your duty to go and suck Alex off so that we can report back tomorrow. You need to clench your thumb in your fist and see if it stops you from gagging. Yes, ma 'am. Thank you. Tomorrow, 9am, I want to report. a report. I don't know how I feel about knowing that that's going on. There is that. Mind you, the house is big enough. They can do it in another wing. I could always try it on my dildo tonight. Oh, that might help. I haven't got a dildo actually like that. Right, well, we are here for this. Sorry, right. Yeah, so like Tetris, we were there in the tiny tent. Then all of a sudden, I must have been face to face with the beast.

27:17He blew his load. Directly into my open eye. Pink eyes calling. Mm-hmm. It stung a bit, but I played it cool, wiped it off, fell soundly asleep, knowing that my man was happy. Then 8am comes. Mum's up early, boiling the kettle for a round of tea as I'm getting out to go to the toilet, wiping what I thought was sleep out of my eye. Oh, no. Oh, no. My mum comes over to me, very concerned, licking her finger to wipe the forgotten dried cum from my face and hair. My eye is sealed shut and swollen. My mum marched me to the pharmacy. I'm 16 and I'm embarrassed. The pharmacist is asking me all types of questions as it's not looking like conjunctivitis.

27:58Looks like something has been in and irritated my eye. Very strange as when I went to bed it was fine. She's telling my mum I've got a foreign body in my eye and recommend that we head straight to A &E while we wait for five hours. I have drops on my eye to see if it's scratched and to see if it needs to be drained or whilst my boyfriend is smugly holding in laughter the entire rest of the holiday. I will be fuming. They gave me an... Eye patch. Gave me an eye patch to recover. She looked like a bloody pirate. Do you know that story about me and Andrew and I ended up with an eye patch on our first date?

28:28That's why they call it an angry pirate. Because it is called the angry pirate. Is it? Yeah, it is. But I didn't have his jizz in my eye. Might have been someone else's. I'm pretty sure jizz in your eye is called an angry pirate because it makes you do that. Like it makes you cover up one eye. So they gave me an eye patch. Just you're an angry pirate. just a kind of reminder to remember to shut your eyes and all that jizz. Thanks ladies, keep doing what you're doing. Well, what a corker to end this week's pod on. That is it for this week's Luana Tootsie Director. We will be here with your usual dose of Luana on Monday.