TOTALLY EXTRA: Toothpaste wars, Lu's 3-Hour Fart Session & the Cucumber that went back in the Fridge

0:02This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. I got a new toilet brush yesterday and I was really happy about that. Why is Anna doing the post on the Grinch stealing Christmas?

0:21Anna Williamson:I am the ultimate petty pony. Did you ever give a blowjob with a flavoured condom when you were younger? Turns out the cucumber was a bit big.

0:36Anna Williamson:Bonjour guys! Welcome to Thursday! It's Luana Totally Extra. Who are you? Who are you? I'm Lulu. I'm A-dubs. Here you go. Lulu and A-dubs. It's like a shit 1990s girl band. What was your one called? Blush. Bliss. Blush. Blush. quality quality I saw actually there was a really funny post on our um everything Luana Facebook group and I I go through periods of loving or hating that group but uh but what made me laugh is you did a podcast with um Olivia yes I went I went on Olivia's podcast yeah I knew but I didn't I didn't listen to it sorry but I I only know that because they talked about it on our everything luana facebook group about how you were in a girl brand called blush and some of them didn't know and then they got a picture on the group of anna like and the and the bandmates it was fucking a the picture's just so 90s like the makeup as well is fucking brilliant it's like just classic nostalgia that was 96 it's and then someone commented right and i fucking love going to the comments of things we're like I just love we're bringing this in yeah we're gonna bring it in straight to comments and basically someone uploaded a picture of you they'd cropped you out of your band picture and put it next to the Grinch and it was exactly the same pose and they were like why does Anna why is Anna doing the pose from the Grinch stealing Christmas do you know what I have spent a lifetime having the piss taken out of me for that pose I've had cards made of me, posters made of me.

2:20Anna Williamson:Who told you to pose like that? Horrendous. I mean, I hadn't learnt my craft, babe. It wasn't long after the bird shitting on my head, quite honestly. I was still in that era. Anyway, listen, guys, we're not here to talk about us. We're here to talk about you and we are bringing you extra rants, extra chats, extra confessions, extra stories, extra Y-O-U. If you haven't, please follow on your favourite podcast platform that you're listening on now. It's normally in the top right. Just hit follow. And if you're watching on YouTube, hello, please subscribe now. Right, shall we muff hunt in? It's muff dive and muff hunt galore.

2:56Anna Williamson:A message from Sophie up there. She says, I could die from embarrassment. Just listening to this week's Totally Extra on my way to the car wash to get away from the kids. Brilliant. I paused the episode to go and sit in the waiting room while the men clean the inside of the car. A while later, I get in the car, drive off and press play again. However, it wasn't in the same place that I left it. I found my place to continue to listen about the women's confession about sharing the vibrator with her friends. And then dawned on me. It's been playing while the men have been cleaning the inside of the fucking car.

3:27Anna Williamson:Always happy to spread the word about Luana, but not like this. Brilliant. Not the pod and all that shit. I did love my local car wash. Now I need to find a new one. Sophie from Merseyside. No, you don't. I bet if you go back there, Sophie, they will tell you how much they enjoyed it. Free car wash. Yeah. Yeah, you should probably get free next time. Put those birds on. that dirty podcast on again yeah uh right we've got a voice note from rose bush up next hey lo animo love the pod so just listening to anna saying that she went to buck pal and um she said that she would have taken some shears and taken some cuttings well i went to um open gardens or something that they had there years ago um with my little girl and was looking around the gardens and obviously they have these like ropes up so you can't go into the flower beds otherwise I'm sure people would be taking cuttings I'd noticed there were some seed pods in fox gloves so I very discreetly took my little girl over to look at all the butterflies and um she was a very quiet toddler back then so I knew that she wouldn't announce to everyone what I was doing um she carried on looking at all the butterflies sort of saw what I was doing I'm like, what do you do?

4:41Anna Williamson:I said, oh, nothing, just tidying up, just tidying up. So I picked them off and put them in my pocket. So, yes, in my garden back in England, I had foxgloves from back then, the Queen's Garden. From Butterfield. Don't know if they're any more. The new owners wouldn't have a clue. But, yeah, I loved showcasing those. Anyway, toodles. Love that. Anna, you need to get us some next time you go. Right. Listen, next time we're going, and actually maybe I'll just do a little PSA now to all of my mates from the King's Trust that listen, Gissa plus one with Lou. You need me and Lou to be, Luanna need to do Bucky P.

5:18Anna Williamson:Because I just want to steal the flowers. I've got an idea. Wow. My school mum friend, her husband is currently the head contractor at Bucky P at the moment. Wow. Doing some work. Okay, friends in high places. I've got a little in there and I reckon said hubbo, and he's very proud to work for the Royals, very proud. Well you get that little emblem don't you after you've done a royal So I'm just wondering if you might swipe as the little foxglove Lou. I'll have a word Yeah have a word Right we've got another message in next. It's from Sarah in Essex She says oh yes our calendar which was our brainchild the other week.

5:58We've kind of now decided we probably can't be arsed to do that and no one will actually buy it

6:03Anna Williamson:What we'll end up, this is the naked calendar what we'll end up doing is just probably taking photos of ourselves naked just for ourselves And then we'll have to pay for it. And we decided, no, we're too tight. But she has actually got a good suggestion. She says, how about the theme is the weirdo of the month? Then it's totally Luana, not just another calendar, but also do it nude, she says. This could work. I think let's expand on this. Let's keep workshopping it, guys. A naked Luana weirdo of the week calendar. Let's see if we can improve on that. Right. Right, we've got another voice note now from Anon.

6:39So I love you.

6:42Anna Williamson:Hi, ladies. Love the pod and all that jazz. I've just come back from a smear test. Good girl. I went in with a bush because I couldn't be asked to do anything. I am getting it all off next week for when I go away. So I didn't want to do it. Anyway, she goes in and says, if there's any pain or anything, let me know and I'll stop. I said, no, it's all okay, carry on. and with that I go ah, ah, ah and she goes what, what are you okay, I've stopped I went you're pulling on my pubes so if you go and face me a test have a little trim girls because pulling on three or four pubes hurts love you all, love Sarah from Hull kiss kiss hi Lauren if you hear this but well done for having a smear very good Just shout out for the smears.

7:36Anna Williamson:It's like when you get your pubes caught. I saw a meme in the day when you get your pubes caught on a sanitary towel. Oh, God, don't. On the sticky pit. Not for me anymore. I'm as bald as a squirrel down there. Yeah, and me. I don't use sanitary towels either. No, true. Right. All right, Petty Polly. From Anonymous, so gingivitis. Oh, sexy. Oh. Hi, Luanna and the team. I've been listening for quite a number of years now, and I absolutely love, love, love the pod and all the crap that comes with it. I listen religiously. It makes my weeks that little bit brighter. Well, mercy bucks. I have a petty poly for you.

8:10Anna Williamson:Please keep me on. Call me gingivitis. Now, I'm as stubborn as a mule and from time to time, very petty. Now, my husband and I share a toothpaste and always have done. Oh, I couldn't. What, really? What, not a toothpaste? No. Me and Al share a toothpaste. No. Well, we have separate bathrooms, but I couldn't share a toothpaste because it would like, you know, when you cut it off and it would touch and I'm really weird like that. It's like a chopper. Because obviously I will kiss my own husband and other intimate things, but I don't want the top of my toothpaste touching his toothbrush for some strange fucking reason that I cannot tell you why.

8:46But there is something weird about toothbrushes.

8:48Anna Williamson:See, it's icky. Alex, the other day, I didn't properly rinse the toothbrush. And I was really grossed out by it. I don't like it when you see an electric toothbrush and it's got all like white scum around it. Sliney scum on it. I'm quite funny about things like that. I'm so fucking boring now I'm old I'm so boring what the fuck is wrong with me who cares who cares if it's a slimy toothbrush why do I care but I do it gives me the big fat ick it like makes my skin crawl and that's just the stage I'm at in life that's just the way it is and I love you for that I got a new toilet brush yesterday and I was really happy about that that's where we are in life yes and a new bog cleaner.

9:34Anna Williamson:Anyway, what really pisses me off the most is that he would wait until there was literally nothing left in the tube before absolutely having to change it out. And that job would always land with me doing it, as does everything else in the house. And quite frankly, I'm getting annoyed about it. Anyway, I digress. So I've taken my own little stand with toothpaste gate. And for the last couple of weeks, the toothpaste that we are currently using has been slowly looking more and more pathetic with its rolled up end getting higher and higher up the tube. So I've hidden a lovely full tube of toothpaste in the bathroom cabinet under the sink.

10:04Anna Williamson:And I've been using that instead. So while he thinks he is having his silent battle with me over the empty toothpaste tube, I've been blissfully brushing my teeth with a lovely full tube of toothpaste. I'm not worried about him slotting it. It's like two pounds from Tesco. It's just the pettiness and I'm here for it. He never goes into the cabinet as it's full of my face products. Keep doing what you're doing, lovely ladies, from Gingivitis. I can applaud that level of petting. I kind of floored that level of petty as well because that would really get my go. I have been known to, not for a long time to be fair because Alex is a lot better now, but I have held back a new toilet roll and left the dangling cardboard tube on the thing, thinking I'm not bloody changing that.

10:49Anna Williamson:But I've got my own bog roll that I've popped in the drawer, which I then get out when I need it. Yeah. Stop. Well, I see. I am the ultimate petty pony. It is those small things though, isn't it? And you just think, oh, fucking. It's like, no, I'm not going to get that toilet roll. You're going to have to get it. And it's always, always when it's like, have done the poo and then needs to wipe. And I'm like, nah, not me, mate.

11:17Right, I've got Liam next. A little voice note.

11:20Anna Williamson:Hello, everyone at Luana Land. Love the pod and all that chismerino. Thank you for all you do. please keep it up for the sanity of all of us followers um gay man family in here if you haven't noticed already it's a pony pony really so listen to the pod and everyone's stories it got me thinking of an ex-partner i had and he was a bit of a lazy fucker so he didn't have a job for nearly eight months he was living off me and he never picked his bastard clothes up from the floor. He would put them next to the laundry basket on the floor as if that was some kind of achievement that he had done. Well, I decided, no, no, it's time for revenge.

12:02Anna Williamson:So every time he left a night of clothing on the floor, it went on a 60 wash. Oh, do you know, if he really pissed me off, it went on a 90. Then eventually, yeah, you guessed it, all his clothes started shrieking. and the joy I had every time he put his clothes on and they were a little bit smaller. And I sit there with my glass of Ormer and smirk to myself. So they get themselves some new clothes, didn't they? And yeah, you guessed it. Leave them on the floor. It's shrink time. Eventually they start to end up in the laundry basket. I'm not with them anymore. I sacked it off. Thank Christ. I don't need to be kept anonymous, but in the spirit of the pod, can you give me your filthiest name much love to you all have a beautiful day we need to do it for him because that was a cracker babes, let's call you um um dirt bag cocksucker I mean we're creative I mean this is why Emo does her job well yeah thank you for that, great confession, love the petty body we've got a message now from Anon so Robin Graves that's a good one brilliant Robin Graves I like that one Imps right hello Luanna and Imo just listening back on previous episodes on YouTube because we are available to watch on YouTube guys if you're listening and you want to see us head over there now and hit subscribe while you're there anyway she's listening on the topic of flying on planes plane etiquette etc And I had to send in a photo from our flight home from Benidorm after a long weekend away from my sister-in-law's hen weekend.

13:47Well, I obviously just flew back from Alicante, which is basically the Benidorm flight. And it's always a dodgy clientele on those flights. I mean, I'm not judging people that go to Benidorm, but I definitely am. Anyway, we may have done a slight Louisa on this one. Guff emoji. after a long weekend of constant alcohol consumption and crappy foods, our rear end, shall we say, weren't smelling the finest. It only took me being the first of the group of 13 to let one go halfway through the flight. And then the other 12 girls all joined in. Oh my God. Imagine being on this flight. It's an orchestra.

14:25I would have been dying. Because this is what happened on my flight from Alicante back today. Fucking stand. Please see the photo, brilliant, of the fellow passengers and you can guess what they were thinking. So it ain't matters more hilarious. So it wasn't bad. A few rows behind us saying, whoever is farting, can you please stop? Better out than in, I say. Oh my God. And she sent us a picture. It's a Ryanair flight. She sent us a picture of these three older men. One has got gray hair and he's just like got a blanket covering his face. His face, he looks pained.

15:04Anna Williamson:his face is planted in a flanky. There's three guys and they've all just had to cover their noses. That's absolutely fucking cracking. Well done to you and your girlfriends. I applaud you and your Benidorm farts. Oh, Lou, you can only dream of creating such mayhem. Oh, honey, I have. It's not a dream. Not a whole row, though. I think you need to aspire to it as a whole row. I mean, we've had some excellent photos. Love it, love it. You dirty, dirty pigs. but we love it. Voice note rant next from Relight My Fire. Okay, here we go. Hi, Luanimo. Love the pod and all that shit. Sorry, I'm whispering.

15:48Anna Williamson:I'm on the verge of losing my voice. So, emo, please don't hate me. If it's really bad quality, I do apologise. It's past the test. But I actually have a rant. My first ever rant on the pod, or voice noting in at all, really. And it is kids' parties. I know, Lou, I'm not a fan of kids' parties. However, they are just something all parents do. It's part of the handbook when you sign up for it. It is. It was my son's birthday party today, and it was very hot. And I appreciate it was very hot. However, we supplied loads of drink, loads of food, made sure it wasn't too hot. It was inside, so they weren't out in the scorching sun.

16:31Anna Williamson:we had eight people eight snowflakes that messaged me like oh my child's just got a bit hot today so they're not feeling themselves so we're going to give the party a miss stop it sorry Sandra if we buckle down and get to your fucking kids party you should make the effort to come to our fucking child's party stop being a snowflake and fucking get on with it it just pisses me off we rally around when i don't want to go to a party yeah i think right it's my child's friend it's important that they all do this you never want anyone to to not have any friends at a party so you just think right if we all thought like that no one would go exactly so you just suck it up fucking pants and put and you go and what is wrong with people why why would you do that?

17:25Anna Williamson:You're teaching your kid to just be an absolute snowflake and it pisses me off. Fucking grow up. Fucking, just fucking be good people. Oh, oh, hard, hard out. I agree. Fucking be good people. It's the unridden rule. You just got to go to another kid's party. If you've said yes, you're going, you bloody go. Well, it is good if you've committed. See, I just don't commit. I just, no, but that's different. No, but that's different. If you bow out at the beginning, fair enough. If you've, If you're planning and your kid's planning, you've all done your little named party bag and all that shit. No, it's no good.

17:57Anna Williamson:It is bad. It's a poor show. It is bad. We've got a joke from Fern E. Joke. Yeah. This has just heard a good joke. I now realise I'm listening to the pod from a few years ago when you were telling jokes and you aren't anymore. No, we are. We are. We can't. We bought it back the other day. Did we? Yeah, we had a couple because of the joke we didn't get about Pernod. Oh, yeah. But we always used to do like joke of the week, guys. Exactly. And I feel like we need to bring joke of the week back. Right, we're bringing it back now. Who doesn't love a joke and a good smile and a snore? So let's set it up.

18:31It's the joke of the week. Right. What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common? Don't know. They both rely on anonymous tips. Bada bang. Very good. Very good, she said. Very good. Love your work, girls. And that's it. So more jokes, please. My all-time favourite joke is this. Minjita. You just fucking ruined... Because you've said it 74 times on the podcast. Say it again. Say it again. We have new listeners every week. No, well, what's the point now? You've ruined my punchline. Well, you need to tell the beginning of the joke now I've ruined the punchline. What do you call an Indian lesbian?

19:17Don't know. Minjita.

19:22I just love that joke. It's your favourite joke. My favourite joke. She bloody loves it. So please send in your favourite jokes.

19:32Anna Williamson:Yeah, let's do that.

19:37Anna Williamson:Right, confessions now. I've never told anyone this, but, right, let's muff dive in. Confession number one. Keep me anonymous, call me Holden McGroin. Okay. Holden McGroin. I mean, this story really did resonate with a lot of people, Lou. After Louisa said she used her mum's vibrator, I remembered as a teen, I once took a cucumber from the fridge, popped a condom on it, and tried to insert it up the vag. Turns out the cucumber was a bit big and could only get halfway. So I took off the condom, rinsed it under the tap, popped it back in the fridge, and my mum chopped it up the next day for her salad.

20:12Anna Williamson:She'll never know. that's so right right oh poor mum it must have tasted I hope she washed it first because otherwise it's going to taste like that latex salty condomy type vibe oh yes oh did you ever give a blowjob with a flavoured condom when you were younger yes yeah do you remember that I can't remember the minty tingly ones yeah a bit like in the mail in the old gob right next confessions hi Luana hi Luana I'm a huge fan of the podcast I wanted to reach out with a bit of a personal confession I have never shared this with anyone uh and honestly I'm hoping it gives you a good laugh more than anything else I'm a 19 year old fella and I happen to have a fart fetish well welcome you are our people in fact can we charge you money because we fart a lot and we could do the side hustle uh I know it sounds unusual I don't fully understand why myself but there's something about a confident mature woman owning that kind of listen what can we say we're confident we are your women uh it says there's something about a confident mature woman owning that situation that I find incredibly attractive.

21:39The bassier and louder, the better. I feel comfortable bringing this up because you've mentioned in previous episodes that listeners often comment on your feet or your farts. And since you both have such a great sense of humor and aren't afraid to be real or a little fluctuant on recordings, I thought this would be the perfect place to get this off my chest. I always try and stay away from the creepy side of the internet. For me, it's just a personal preference for the bedroom writing this out feels surprisingly freeing i'm curious were you already aware that this is a specific fetish or did you just assume the comments in your videos were one-off jokes keep up the amazing works and thanks for being entertaining well we we know this is a fetish yeah well i didn't know the fart was a fart i mean i wish my husband had that fetish because last week when we've been in Spain, I was...

22:34Anna Williamson:Can we put these on socials? No, we can't. Well, we have to ask him. Would he ever say yes? Oh, I did already. Did he know you were filming it? Afterwards, I told him that I was filming it. And then I was like, please, can we use it on the pod? And he said, absolutely not. No, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Louisa. I could probably play the audio. You should play me. So basically, guys, me, Mo and Lou have got, yeah, play the audio. We've got a group chat, the three of us. Well, get one of them. But basically, she kept sending these like volley of video messages of her lying in bed with Andrew and her obviously farting, waiting for him to cop the smell.

23:16Anna Williamson:And then she'd pan the camera around and Andrew is lying there and you don't see his face. You just see like a pillow, which he's got like, he's wrapped the pillow around his face. And he's got the laptop like balanced on him, hasn't he? And he's just going, Jason. He went, I think, thank you, Nita Pooh. He's like, so, it's so strong. It's so strong. I think you need a Pooh. You need a doctor. It's so gastric. You need a doctor. And you're going, him not knowing. And you're going, well, I think it's quite a turn on, darling, don't you? no it is not I think you need a poo down right now player see if you get it off three videos and they're all a minute long so we'll have to skip to the good bits skip to the good bits skip to the good bits what you think there's a medical problem there's definitely a gastric thing off some description

24:13Anna Williamson:that's a real start that's not a problem like in any way Why don't people do fart now? No, not like that. I mean, this has gone on for hours. He's watching the news or something. It hasn't been three hours. He said I'd been doing it for three hours. I had. Well, it's just going to continue. I've got to get it all out. No. Do you want to poo or something? I don't need to poo. I try. Why don't you massage my tummy? I'll get one more and I'll just... Just give my tummy a roar. He's backed out at this point. He's sacked you right off, mate.

24:57Absolutely roaring. I was just, you know, like when I really laugh, no noise comes out. Yeah. So I'm just videoing myself to Anna and Imo just like going like.