TOTALLY EXTRA: Tortoise Smuggling, Travel Icks & A Moustache Challenge

0:01Anna Williamson:Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content.

0:42But you know you love it.

0:45Anna Williamson:Aloha. Hi, guys. Welcome to Thursday. It's Luanna Totally Extra. How are you, Lu? I'm doing the Hulu. Lulu's doing the Hulu. I'm Anna. I am a spanner. And Imo... Is a demo. It's a bit of a demo. She really isn't. We both thought of that at the same time. Yeah, we did. But this is our extra episode. So basically, guys, it's over to you for this one. Let's see what you got. Let's see what Jade is saying. Jade says, hello, Jade here from Chorley. Quite a new listener, but I absolutely love the pod. Welcome to The Fold, Jade. We welcome you with open arms and open vaginas. After listening to recent episodes about animal smuggling, I just had to write in about something I did aged 11.

1:30Anna Williamson:This was about the fake news I was peddling about the boy and the penguin stealing. We were on a family holiday in Turkey. Me, my brother, mum, stepdad and my granny. Outside our hotel was a little shop that had little baby tortoises in ashtrays for sale. Every time we passed this shop, the man would let us hold one and I begged my mum to let us save one. She obviously explained we wouldn't be able to take it home. One night at the end of the holiday, me and my brother devised a plan, mission, get tortoise back home. So on the last day before our flight, we went and bought one of them. We'd taken lettuce from the buffet and had a plan in place of smuggling him back home.

2:08My Enzo were totally doing this. The tortoise was put in my Nintendo case with its lettuce and off we went. On arrival at the airport, all was going well. We went to the bathroom when we needed to transfer the tortoise into my pocket and out of the case when going through security. once we thought we were all safe through all of the checks he went back in the case we thought we were in the clear however at the gate to the airport there was another security check we weren't aware of and we were in a rush so my mum made us queue up straight away obviously packed now as the tortoise was still in the bag not in my pocket oh no and we knew this would be picked up going through the scanner as we neared the front of the queue I whispered to my granny I have a tortoise in my bag and I need you to get it in my pocket.

2:53My granny made a big fuss about needing to go and take some medication and insisted on me going with her to the toilet. I couldn't believe my granny had gone along with me and not told my mum. So we went out. So we went out, got him in my pocket and on the flight we went. It was only in the taxi on the way home when I pulled him out my bag that my mum found out what we had done. She was furious with us and more so with my granny for helping. Billy the Tortoise is now 19 and he still lives with my mum my granny passed away a couple of years ago but it's one of my favourite memories of her I love that

3:28Anna Williamson:Billy the Tortoise is 19 heartwarming story of the week oh isn't that cute I love everything about that I was horse riding the other day and there was a little poster for a missing tortoise I know I actually love that I could totally see one of my kids doing that and I would be the granny Go on, pop it in your pocket. Pop it in your pocket. Oh, Billy. Oh, Bill. Voice note Petty Polly from Anonymous. So, Trish. Oh, I haven't had any Petty Pollys for a while. They are my fave. Go on. Live Petty Polly for you ladies, which I think you may be a fan of. My partner went out last night and was meant to get the last train home from London.

4:07Anna Williamson:Missed it. Didn't answer any of my continuous phone calls at two o 'clock in the morning, wondering where the hell he was. And then rolled in at half past five this morning. obviously livid as I was at home with the baby in bed anyway not good he then decided to get up this morning and projectile vomits down the side of our bed and not make any attempt to get to the bathroom so I thought do you know what not only have you disturbed my sleep and now I've vomited down the side of the bed which I'll leave for you to clean you're also not going to be hung over today chilling so I've taken every single remote control sky, tv fire stick every single remote control with me to work today.

4:48Anna Williamson:That's brilliant. So you can now pick up the baby later from nursery and you can entertain him with a raging hangover without the ability of putting the TV on to distract him. And also whilst you're waiting to pick the baby up from nursery, you can't chill and watch TV. You can just think about what you did last night and the consequences of being in the doghouse permanently for the foreseeable. Anyway, love you girls. I hope everyone can take that as a tip of how to get some petty revenge on their partners in the future. Can I name please? Thanks. Love you, bye. I'd have switched the Wi-Fi off as well, Trish, because he'll be wanting to watch something on his phone and then, you know, maybe you don't have good data.

5:30Oh, right. Kids say the funniest things from Anon. We've called you Marge. Good morning, Luanamo. Had to share a funny story with my fave girls. A few weeks ago, my son, aged 10, was rooting through my jaws and found a small bullet vibrator. There's just no privacy with these kids. It really isn't, though. I asked what it was, and off the top of my head, I said it was a face massager to keep my skin looking good. He asked if he could try it, and I said, no, it's very expensive, and went on to hide it. Fast forward in a few weeks and more, my poor father-in-law had a stroke, so we went to see him in hospital.

6:05His face had drooped one side and was talking about how well it would return back to normal with the help of some massage. And my son pipes up and says, maybe we should let him use the small massager that I have in my bedside table. Safe to say, all the adults knew exactly what it was and it gave everybody a good laugh. Keep being my fave girls and giving us the laugh. I will have my fave granny name of Marge if you would be so kind. Big love and all that jazz. Mummy, why didn't we get the face massage out

6:35Anna Williamson:at your bedside table for Grandpa? They always just have to come out with stuff at the totally wrong time. That is so brilliantly right. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Gemma next. Hi, Luanamo. Love the pod. So much so that I'm currently sitting on a sun lounger around a swimming pool in Mallorca. Oh, lovely. My daughter, who is nine years old, first time I've been away with her on my own as recently separating from a husband. So girl power. So I'm listening to the pod and I'm thinking to myself about rants. OK, so why is it that when you are on holiday, your kid makes friends with another kid whose parents are complete fucking drips?

7:26Anna Williamson:Like, just leave me the fuck alone. it's my holiday our kids can be friends but I don't want to be your friend and stop hovering around like a fly around shit and just let them be kids and play it's Carver O 'Clock bitches and that's all I've really got to say about that but happy summer people cheers and cheers to Girl Power for all those mums that are doing exactly what I'm doing the first time with your kids this summer because it is empowering and power to the people. Love you girls. Keep up the great work. And by the way, my name is Gemma. No need to give me a granny name. I'm quite proud of the fact that I don't really care about other people.

8:17Anna Williamson:Have a good one. There's that empowerment. Good for you. Yeah, it's my worst nightmare going on holiday. I just want to sit by myself. I just want to sit and crochet. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to actually look at my own husband or my children particularly. And the worst thing is a complete stranger wanting to then be friends. I know I sound antisocial, but there it is. Petty Polly now from Anonymous, so Lillian. Hi, Louisa, Anna and Imo. New listener here. Love the pod and all that jazz. Working my way through the podcast episodes. Good. Listen back. Yeah. Thank you for being so great. Please keep me on.

8:49Anna Williamson:I'm Lillian after me nan. Oh, Lil. My Petty Polly is that when my partner has pissed me off, I use all the utensils and pots and pans that I can when I cook, so he has to wash them all up. He gets really annoyed. I just laugh, and I think it's great. Love that. Minor inconvenience. Absolutely love it. Andrew always does the washing up. Yeah, yeah. But he's not here as much anymore. Sometimes I deliberately, I see that the loo rolls need replenishing, and I deliberately don't replenish them. Really? Because I know that my husband won't know that the loo roll needs replenishing when he is at the end of his shit.

9:25Anna Williamson:And I just only live for the moment. Like how? I'm not actually in. Shitty-ass walk to the cupboard. And I know it happens when I'm not in because I come home and there's a new loo roll on there. And I know full well what would have happened. Oh, brilliant. There we are. Right, listen, it's our new feature. We're gagging for it. And we have put out the things that annoy you whilst travelling. This is on the old gram. He's off the back of my last few rants. We've had a summer of travel rants, basically. We can all relate to it, can't we? So we've got a few coming in. Let's see what you've said on Instagram.

10:01Anna Williamson:So no air con in the toilets. Hoff waffing hell, that's so true. Oh, do you know what? I took Clemmie in an airport toilet. I just can't remember where we've been, wherever we've been. And she went in and we went in the same cubicle and she went, oh, mummy. And her little face, she got the Hoff waff, it hit her like a ton of bricks. and I went, that Clemmie darling is the Hoff Woff. Welcome to womanhood. People who run for sunbeds, the bellens. Yeah, anyone that does that, shame on you. iPads on full volume on a plane, immediate ejection, please. That's true. Get headphones. So fucking annoying.

10:33Anna Williamson:Just get headphones. And if your kids are small, just get those headphone bands. They're like Bluetooth, it's like a headband. Just put that on or just don't give them the iPad. Oh my God, this one from Sian is exactly what, I can't bear it. I never say this. I've never said this. I know which one. Yeah, holly bobs. I never say holly bobs. I fucking hate it. I bet you do. Have you ever heard? Yes. No, I've never said holly bobs. If we go back in our back catalogue, Imo, she will have said holly bobs. If I have, you have full permission to flog me naked. 100 % you have. She says people here calling their jolly bobs.

11:08Anna Williamson:Just know. I agree. Jolly bobs and holly bobs. If I'm a massive hypocrite and I've said it, then I am a bellend as well because I hate it. Bare feet, this person says near me. anywhere, planes, coaches, boats, boats, just stop it. Stop it. No, no, this one is what my dad does. People who put on the accent of the place you are, but still speak English. So my dad does this. I did it at Mo's wedding. Do you remember? Will be, oh, well, you know, if I could have just... I would like a coke. No, no, no, coke zero. Yeah, coke zero. Coke zero. Like just taught normally. Do you have the pick, the toothpick?

11:46Yeah, your dad does do this. My dad adopts, he doesn't know he's doing it. He adopts any accent, wherever they're from, that accent he's just adopted. Yeah, love that. I fucking love it though. That's a good one.

11:59Anna Williamson:Next one, my husband making sure we're at the gate even before it's boarding. Ick. Wow, he's got to get those cases in, hasn't he? That's me. What's the last one, Lou? People that don't, this really annoys me. People that don't have their fucking shit together to go through security. You know. but then I do take pity and I think well maybe they don't travel as much as me because I know if I'm in that security queue my iPad's out my liquids are out my jacket is off if I've got a belt it's off my watch is off my phone's in my bag in the tray everything's fucking organised it's in the tray motherfuckers why can't everybody else do that so that when you get to security you're not faffing about for 10 million fucking years do you know what motherfuckers fuck off do it right and it's the faffing when you stand there and someone is at slow mo pulling their belt out.

12:45Anna Williamson:Slow people in airports. It's slow mo. It's a no. Hat off. It's the other end when like someone is deciding to re-put it on the other end. On the belt. On the belt. Taking the tray the other way. Yes. You just kept it on the belt. Get your tray. Get your shit and go. Let's go. I did a bit what I would probably call a bit of a zisman actually. When I last, I don't know when I last flew, not that long ago, a few weeks ago, everybody had their, but you know how many people take their shit out and they don't actually pick the tray up. They like just leave them. So then your stuff is still stuck up at the scanner bit.

13:16Anna Williamson:And then you start being the tray organiser. I turned into high-vis. I'm the tray organiser. And there was someone standing next to me, some youth that was then slowly putting their stuff back in. And I was like, can you please pick up your tray and go and put it over there on the tray section where you can then spend as much as your sweet-ass time to go and put your stuff back on. You told her. Put all the trays back. I was like, I think we just need to get a move on, everyone. Come on. Anyway, there we go. And then she got the jacket out. Then the jacket came out, yeah. fat stinky knitties knitties?

13:46Anna Williamson:what? what's knitty knitties? sat next to you just stinky people just people stinky people deep breathing on a plane and their leg touching yours fuck off is one that came in I mean people breathing and touching you I hate it when people fall asleep on the plane next to you and their face like is facing yours and then they're not and then they're open I remember telling you on the pod about Lake Como woman I felt bad because she was a slightly old refined lady but she had she felt it was the breath Mothball breath. That's disgusting. Mothball. This other person, last one, says, Smelly vagina people, flight back from Amsterdam.

14:20Well, she's probably taken a battering in Amsterdam. Had boff-woff every time she fidgeted. It just wafted. Disgusting.

14:34Anna Williamson:Hey, New Anna, love the pod and all that jazz. I have to sing it because I know it annoys people. Anyway, talking to singing and me sounding like a castrated cat. My question to you is, can on the next poll on the questions on your Instagram, be people's misheard lyrics? Because I'm always one for mishearing lyrics. Love it. And my friends always constantly question me about it and then laugh at my face and tell me, no, that's completely wrong. And the one that I've just heard on the radio on the way to drop my daughter off to nursery, which is one that I've always got wrong is Whitney Houston Dollar Bill, is it?

15:17Anna Williamson:Yeah, Dollar Bill, yeah. Dollar Bill. For the longest time, I thought she'd said excuse the singing cover your ears if you're sensitive if he make you feel like a million dollar bill say ah say ah left, right, up, down bitches swinging round and round and say, ah, oh, say it. I love it. So, yeah, I thought she'd been saying bitches all this time, but I actually don't know what she has been saying. So, yeah, hopefully you guys can make this into a funny part of the podcast with the questions on your Insta stories. This is a good one. I love this segment, by the way. It's Sophie from Worthing. Are you sure?

16:02Anna Williamson:And I was the girl at Centre Parcs with the Space Hopper piles. Oh, yes. Bless your actual arsehole. I think this is a brilliant idea. Yeah, it is brilliant. So the next we're gagging for it that we're going to put out, it's over on our Instagram. Please make sure that you follow it. It's at everything underscore Luanna. It's going to be your misunderstood lyrics. Misunderstood or mishearing lyrics. There's something going on Instagram with the, my lover's got no money, his God is trombolese. But everyone thinks it's trombolese. It's strong beliefs, obviously. His God is Trombolese. That was going around.

16:40But love has got no power. My mum is queen of the misunderstood lips. So look out for that over on our Instagram. Please make sure you follow us over there. We would love to host you on our gram. Next up, we have got a hamster trauma message from Terry. Come on, Lou. You're the hamster trauma. Says, hi, Lou Animo. Male listener here. I've just listened to the last Totally Extra episode where someone wrote in about losing a hamster while being baptised. Well, I too have not one but two tragic hamster tales. I first begged my mum for a hamster when I was about 11 when she finally gave him. My grandad was always good with names so I asked him to help me.

17:19He wasn't a fan of rodents and reckoned hamsters were just fat mice or rats, which to be fair wasn't entirely wrong, but he suggested the name Tar. Tar? Why Tar? I asked. Rat? Backwards he smirked. Tar was sometimes a smelly little thing, probably because I barely washed myself at that age and cleaning out pissy sawdust wasn't off my list. I do smell. But I loved him. My mum made it clear I wanted him, I cleaned him, so fair. So one day after school, I'm sat with fresh bedding and sawdust ready plus a very interested spectator, our cat Puss Puss. Credit to my mum for that creative name. I'm trying to figure out the best way to move Tar from his cage when, bam, Puss Puss beat me to it.

18:03Swiped Tar, sent him flying across the room. His death was sudden, shocking and genuinely traumatic. Oh, no. Tar is dead. Ta-ta. Fast forward, ta-ta.

18:15Tar is now Piss Piss's ta-ta. Oh, I'm wasted, girls. Fast forward a couple of years. I'm a teenager now and I want one of those deluxe hamster cages with the pods, tunnels, spinning wheels. Grandad didn't need to help name this one. I had it covered. Tartu. Tartu. Tartu. Tartu. Tartu. Tartu was a legend. Less smelly, way more sophisticated. My hygiene had improved, so his did too. He loves zipping around the bedroom in his bright yellow ball. We also had a much-loved family boxer called Cirrus, named by Grandad again after the brightest star in the sky. And yes, the dog star. He was proud of that one.

18:58Cirrus was chill and had no interest in the hamster until one day, Tartu's happily rolling around the room in his ball when Sirrus, in the laziest but most perfect movement, lifts the paw and gives the ball a casual slap. The ball split in two. Tartu got clouted. It wasn't malicious, just a perfect storm of bad luck and box of strength. We rushed him to the vet, but we're told he wouldn't make it. So yeah, I lost Tartu too.

19:26Anna Williamson:It's a ta, Tartu. no need to keep me anonymous i'm terry i'm sorry for laughing at you the fact that his name's terry terry terry terry tar terry tar and tattoos oh and i irresponsibly allow both my hamsters to be killed by the family cat and dog r.i.p tar and tattoo i love that um sorry for your loss sorry for your loss I've never told anyone this but here we go confessions hi Luanna and Imo absolutely love love love your podcast thank you I have to say I don't normally listen to the adverts I usually skip them but I was in the bath and I couldn't skip one so I had to listen to it but that just reminded me of something that happened to my friend so it's about the butternut I think that's what it's called yeah the dog food stuff butternut yeah yummo the dog food that have just sponsored us thanks very much any good dog food check it out for your dogs it is good anyway my friend had a Portuguese cleaner and she was left on her owner.

20:26Anna Williamson:My friend used to say to her, you want to eat? Oh no, if you want anything to eat, please help yourself to anything in the fridge. Well, my friend came home one day to find that the other half of her butternut dog food had disappeared. Oh no. So she said to her Portuguese cleaner, did you have something to eat today? And she said, yeah, yeah, I hope you don't mind. It was the most beautiful casserole you made. It was so yummy. Well, there's a bloody good advert for butternut. Butternut box? A fucking cleaner box? It's a casserole. Credit to butternut. You clearly do make delicious food. But dog.

21:02Anna Williamson:My friend never divulged the cleaner what she'd just eaten. So, ladies, there you go. If it's good enough for the Portuguese cleaner, it's good enough for the doggies. She really honestly loved it. My friend couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, girls, keep us laughing because you're amazing. You keep me sane every day. Love you. Ta-ra. Oh, you don't need to keep me a non. My name's Pammy from Kings Langley. Oh, my God. That is a great advert for button-up box. Isn't it? Favoured. I thought it was a tasty casserole. That's probably the chicken one. Next up. Hi, Luanna. Call me Elle from California. Hey.

21:40And I've been trying to give my boyfriend a secret moustache ride. My boyfriend's weiner willy is large. It's close to eight inches and extra thick and lovely. Good for me. Right, old shrugger don. It's wonderful, but I'd never leave him for the wiener willy alone. Right. When his pubes are longer and I try to fit the giant willy in my mouth, I twist his pubes right above his giant shaft into a curved moustache while he's not looking and his head is back enjoying it. I challenge myself to fit the whole thing in my mouth, to wear the stache and feel sophisticated and accomplished.

22:16Anna Williamson:Literally twisting it. She's straight in and then she's like, Like, ta-da! Like a French waiter. When all is done, we shower. And the moustache washes away until next time. Sad times. I know he'd love it if I told him, but it's my secret. And it pushes me to wear the moustache. I have yet to gobble it all and wear the stache. Oh, she's trying. But I keep trying. Love a giant, Willie. And love you all. But I don't love the giant orange dick in the office in the US. Oh, okay. Trump. Oh. Love, Elle. well that's it I love that she's just challenging how deep can you go yeah and how and how kind of a task you know giving a blowie is it's not just a blowie she's really thinking about that and I commend you we've been doing it wrong all this time we have guys that is it great episode thank you for your contributions remember your usual dose of Luana is on Monday your episode of Luana Totally Extra is on Thursday for all of it though we couldn't do without you we need you to send in all of your stories your anecdotes your petty pollies your shit gifts everything okay your back to school stories any more holiday cracks that you want to tell us about, it's Luanna at everythingluanna.com.

23:25Anna Williamson:Our WhatsApp number is 07745266947. Bada boom, bada boom. See you Monday. And don't forget to follow. Bye. Bye. Cha-cha.

23:38This is a Global Player original podcast.