TOTALLY EXTRA: Turtle Soup Trauma, Stinky Lunches & Banana Confessions

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0:28Not available in all states or situations. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts, and general explicit content. But you know you love it. It's a controversial segment. We love it. Some of you don't. I've never stuck a banana up my back. No, I haven't. I said it's a solid 10. Oh, no, babes. Oh, God. I did not need to hear that.

1:06This is Thursday. Hi, guys. Luanna's totally extra. I'm Lu, she's Anna. Hi. Together we make Luanna. We are. As most... And every Thursday, we, of course, bring you that little extra sparkle, extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions. This is an ep all about you. You. If you are watching on YouTube, hello. Please subscribe now. If you're not watching on YouTube and you're listening on your favourite podcast platform, please give us a follow. That's about it, really. Yeah, we've done all that stuff. Well done. I was just thinking. Housekeeping check. Housekeeping. I'm feeling like we need to sort of bring back.

1:44I know a lot of people didn't like the singing and we stopped the singing, but I just feel an urge to bring the singing back. We used to sing a lot. I'm Lou and we are here for you. Oh, yeah. That was better. Yeah, well.

1:59well let's do the rhyme I do this for the kids sometimes we'll finish off the rhyme leading into this okay we are Luanna this is totally extra are you ready for a great episode this is not even going very far I've got no idea what you're doing right now we're Anna and Lu together we do the pod of dreams this is terrible Let's cream. That was awful. Mishad lyrics from a non, so we've called you Annie Nicecock. Anne Nicecock.

2:39We're just going to literally fire ourselves at this point. We're just going to fire ourselves. Anne Nicecock. I'm sorry. I just saw the E and I wouldn't spell Anne like that. If it's Anne, it's just A-N-N. Can I just say this? If it's Anna, it's A-N-N-A. And you've done A-N-N-E, so it's Anne-E. No, it's not. Lots of people spell Anne that way. Who spells Anne like that? Lots of people. Look, we're illiterate. You can't illiterate bash. Jesus. Right, here we go. Anne, nice clock. Hello, it's Claire from Essex. Oh, why Claire? My bad. I told you. So growing up, my little brother thought that the words to the famous song Hollaback Girl were, I ain't no horny black girl, I ain't no horny black girl.

3:31I can see that. Extremely inappropriate, especially because he was only 12 at the time. It's going ever so well. I ain't no horny black girl, I ain't no horny black girl. Yeah, I mean, it's inappropriate. It's inappropriate, especially for the 12-year-old boy. what did my Enzo say something again this week he's always saying something I'm not going to go there but yeah keep saying mummy what does this oh this morning he came downstairs that's it this is actually one of the lesser words he's come out with but he was like mum what does ho mean and I was like great where have you learnt that one it's garden tools I think that they know and he just does it because he wants to be he does his older cousin told him he knows what it means and I was like he just wants to see if you're gonna but he knows he doesn't get a reaction with me I'm just like okay I'd be like well It's a slaggy girl, darling.

4:20And he'll be like, what does slaggy mean? I just said this morning, I was like, you know what it means. You know it's a bad word. It's offensive. It's a rude word for ladies. I said it's like, because he knows what bitch is. I said it's a bit like bitch. Then he's like, you said bitch. I'm like, if I hear that, you're being used, you're in trouble. Message from Toby. Hey, ladies. It's, oh, slaggy nurse Toby. When you decide to have a recoseco from Lufanians, I have one. Oh, yay. Mine is, don't sell used underwear on Vintage. You will be banned. Okay. What started out as an unused jockstrap listed on there for£15, which the buyer bought, he then asked me to put in a few wears to it.

5:04I obviously obliged, with an extra£20 on top. He paid. I sent. Job done. Both happy customers. Two months later, I got an email from Vintage saying this was against their teasing season, therefore I was banned. Over 150 five-star reviews, gone. Fuck you, Vinted. Oh, so you can't sell underwear on Vinted. Well, not used underwear. Well, but he sold an unused jockstrap. Which he then used. Yeah, but the conversation must have just been direct. Maybe it got flagged. That's what I mean, because how would they have known otherwise? Who knows? Maybe Vinted are reading the messages then. Having said that, I can imagine that is quite a hack.

5:44you know for yeah yeah right we've got a voice note rant from harriet next hi luannamo first time voice note a long time listener here my name is harriet um i just had to send in this little ranks i feel like you would appreciate this so i have a 12 week old baby um every morning i walk my son to school and i have the baby with me and every morning i have at least one mom say to me oh is your baby a good baby and another mum is how's your baby are they a good baby what what do you want me to say amy yeah my baby's a good baby what do you want me to say oh no he um he's really naughty actually he's really naughty baby he um drinks excessively he uh deals meth from inside his car uh he's out all hours till early morning i don't know where he is and he treats my house like a knocking shop and brings girls back all the time what the hell is that sort of question He's a baby.

6:40He sleeps, sometimes he doesn't. He poops a lot and he cries. He's a baby, honestly. But love what you do and thanks for getting me through my morning walks. Bye, girls. Thank you. I hope he's a good... Doesn't sound like a good baby there. It doesn't. He's obviously not a good baby. That's why she's annoyed. Right. Kids believe the silliest things from Lily. Hey, Luanna Mobex. I'm a long-time listener after being recommended the pod by my dad, who's a man fanier. I love it. I'm not sure where this story would fit in, but I think you'll like it. I've just listened to the episode about Louise's dad being questioned by, oh my God, do you remember that?

7:18Louise's dad being questioned by the police over his self-defense hiking stick and about telling the kids that the police check if they're asleep. It reminded me of a brilliant line my dad told me as a child. When I was about eight, we went on a beach holiday in Barbados. The hotel was pretty fancy with a little sushi restaurant where the chefs wore full chef whites and big hats. One day there was lots of shouting down on the beach, so naturally we went to see what was happening, and it turned out that the turtles were hatching on the beach. This was very exciting for a kid. The staff were asking people to carefully pick up the baby turtles and place them into buckets so they could be tagged before being released into the sea for conservation tracking or something like that.

8:01But that's not what my parents told me. My dad told me that they were putting them in the buckets because turtle soup was on the menu that night and we'd be eating them for dinner. About an hour later, the turtles were still sitting in the buckets waiting to be collected. And we were on the beach and one of the chefs from the restaurant came down and walked straight over to the turtles to have a look. Of course, in my eight-year-old mind, this confirmed everything. I immediately started crying, convinced the chef had come to collect the turtles for dinner and I begged my dad to stop him. At that moment, he burst out laughing and had to finally explain what was actually happening, apologising because he didn't think the chef would come down to look at them and assuring me they definitely weren't making turtle soup.

8:44He still says, never let the truth get in the way of the story. Love you all. Lily from Littlington. That would absolutely traumatise me. Oh, that'd be awful. Oh, hold the front page, guys. It's a controversial segment. We love it. Some of you don't, but here we go. It's a Rate My Fart from Els. Hey girls, please rate my fart and add this to your orchestra. Side note, I had to go into the disabled toilet in a very busy restaurant to release the beast. Wow. Here we go, Elle. Listen to this. It's too good to miss. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

9:28Maestro, strike it up again, please. Elle, that is phenomenal. That is phenomenal. That's a goodie. A face afterwards. It's a video. Is it a video? Show us a face.

9:50She's so buzzing about that. L's. Well, L's. I'd say it's a solid 10. It's a 10. I think you've topped it this year. I'd say that's the one to beat. We need a far compilation in December. Yeah, we do. Fart orchestra. Fart chart. Someone has on one of the Lufanians, she messaged me saying something about that she would make up a sort of orchestra thing for me. Right, right back to her immediately. So I will get that sorted, the collection, and we'll sort that. Elle's, at the moment, she is playing soprano. Oh, she's like sprinted out there. She's a lead vocalist. Lead vocalist. We now need the backup.

10:38Penny Polly from Anonymous. So Lou... Oh, here we go now. Don't say it wrong. No. Lou Bupcox. Lou Bupcox. Lou Bupcox. Lou Bupcox. Lou Bupcox. Oh, Lou Bupcox. Well done, my friend. She got them. She got them. At least one of us did. my girlfriend and I religiously listened to the pod it's got us through some long car journeys and I've always wanted to send in a message for your Petty Polly segment but I've never had anything until now yes this is actually my favourite you know that so at work recently we've hired a new employee he got off on a very very bad foot always commenting on people's personal life and making very serious comments that are extremely sexist homophobic and misogynistic well he needs to piss off me a lesbian cannot hold back so always fight him on this.

11:32Go for it girl. Another one of my co-workers have noticed that he always brings in his own lunch which is fine but stinks the office out for hours and hours. Staff room constantly smells like farm animals and we cannot fathom what he's actually eating. That's so antisocial. All of us members of staff always fight to go for lunch first as we don't want to sit and eat and enjoy this awful stuff. I just couldn't. I couldn't allow this to happen. I hate smells. Oh, but that's such an antisocial thing, even if you didn't. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I hate, oh, it just kind of makes me think of something gross.

12:06So we've all taken it in turns to make sure he doesn't eat his homemade lunch. This poor guy. He's just trying to save money from him. But he can go and eat it somewhere else. Outside. Go eat it on the bench. Exactly, outdoors. Go and sit outside and freeze your ass off. I would literally be like, look, mate, I'm really sorry, but your lunch stinks. Go and eat somewhere else. Now, I'll tell you a funny story after this. All right. Go and sit in the toilet and eat it. On day one, we decided to turn the electrics off for the kitchen so we couldn't use the microwave and he resulted in buying lunch instead.

12:37Day two, we hit his rice. I don't know why he's breaking me up. Day two, we hit his rice so he couldn't have a complete meal. This also could be classed as bullying. It is borderline bullying. It's his fault. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a gym junkie and won't eat unless he has everything for lunch and would again have to buy a non-stinky lunch. Day three, I took the fuse out of the plug so it looked like it wasn't working and he again couldn't eat his disgusting lunch. Oh no, and we would have to go and he'd have to go and buy something. Day four, we put a do not use sign on the microwave and told him it had blown up and there was something dodgy with the fuse.

13:19he still didn't get the hint and thinks the microwave is just a little bit faulty. I don't think I'm a bitch. I just think that karma is real. And if you're going to be disrespectful to people, you barely know. You should think twice before commenting on people's weight, sexuality or financial status. Preach it! And claims women are all just money whores. He deserves that 100%. Yeah, forget it. Stinky food. In Dubai, I'll tell you my stinky food story. we've got like our housekeeper lives in and they're in like so the housekeeper's older and her son also works for us right so they both live in they've got their own rooms and with it their rooms are quite big and they've got like lounge area and then i put kitchenettes into their rooms like we put them in because i thought well they need somewhere to prepare food and stuff wow oh no she cooks that's a risk the stinkiest fucking so first of all I said look you're not allowed to cook any fish because I was going to say you need some rules around I don't like fish and like where so our kitchen's like here and then you have what they call in Dubai like the back kitchen so there's a back kitchen which I've actually ripped out made a pantry and then you go like down some stairs into quite a big area which is theirs and they've got like their own living quarters and it fucking stinks her food and in the end I just had to tell her you're not allowed to cook.

14:41Does it permeate through the house? It's so bad. Yeah, I think it's so bad. It's so stinky. And even Andrew, who's ever polite, is like, what is that smell? And I said to her, what are you cooking? What is she cooking? She said like... Meat? Yeah, she said it's pork or something. I was like, I'm sorry, it's so stinky. You're not allowed to cook anymore. Is it frying? I felt really bad. The smell of fried food. I think she's boiling it. Oh, boiling. But I think there are some foods... But it almost smells like chemicals. Does it? Yeah, and she's Filipino. She was like, oh, maybe it's my spices, ma 'am.

15:11And I was like, whatever it is, it fucking stinks and you can't cook it. And I did then build an outdoor kitchen. I was about to say I could take it outside. So I built a nice outdoor kitchen for her with a nice table and a sink and everything. I don't think that's unreasonable at all. No, she does cook it outside now. Oh, no, it smells and brings it in. But then she brings fucking food in. Oh. Still fucking stinks. Or she'll cook it the day before and then she heats it up. I think it's the heated food in this story. It's the heated food in the microwave. It stinks out my whole house. I said to Andrew, actually, I'm going to text Andrew right now and say, because he's back in Dubai.

15:50Give the food a... I don't like... We like steak in our house, but I can't... Alex always pan-fries the steak. But it absolutely... Doesn't it? Kips the whole house. It stays around for ages. It doesn't matter how many windows and doors you open, how many candles you open, how much of the extractor fan is on. that pan-fried steak stinks for hours, like a day after. You have to really think carefully about that. I just don't like cooking smells. I think that's quite a common ick, actually. Well, let's see. Look, Charlotte's got a petit polly here. She says, my husband annoyed me over something tiny, obviously.

16:25So when he shaved his head, as he does every week, and asked me to check for mists, I told him it looked perfect, immaculate, 10 out of 10. Three days later, I casually let him know he'd actually missed a whole patch at the back of his head. the betrayal in his eyes after realising he'd been to the office to see family he'd been to the pub honestly it healed me no need to keep me numb Charlotte from Andover love the pod and all that jazzy jizz oh I love that sorry just remember last week there's a lady in the village we borrowed a drum kit because Enzo had a drum kit and it's not that similar but I hadn't realised I'd been eating some barbecue ribs the kids had for tea and apparently I'd gone it wasn't until I'd gone to her house when I'd gone to her house this lovely lady that let us borrow the drum kit whilst we were getting one friend's name so I'd done that I'd been talking to her for about 20 minutes oh it's so embarrassing gone back to the house yeah gone back to the house and everything it wasn't until I got in Alex was like what is that around your face and I was like what like a child that has been gnawing on a barbecue rib bone I had like two blocks of barbecue sauce on either side she didn't say anything bless her heart when I say I've done the whole did you message her and say do you know what no I meant to actually actually I've just reminded myself I wanted to buy her a bottle of wine and say thank you but I thought how embarrassing I've just stood there with this face of shit anyway next one voice note from oh here we go now Fishewith Fishewith Fishewith Fishewith got it we got it well done just listening to your podcast about Louisa using her mum's vibrator I did this gosh I'm cringing insane I don't know why why do we do it I just saw it and thought you know exactly what to do with it don't you I was only young but yeah never looked back got my own stash then and how funny me and my friends were going out to a pub one night my friend brought a vibrator with her She said this guy she was seeing had bought it for her and she didn't know what to do with it.

18:41So we all showed her in the back of the car and we took it in turns to use it until we all came. And we didn't have wipes in those days. And then we all locked it out the window. We didn't want to use it again. You think I'd be scarred for life from vibrators, wouldn't you? But please leave me a non. Thank you. Love the podcast. It keeps me going from day to day. What a confession. What a confession. Oh, my gosh. They just loved their mum's children after they've all used it. They've all had a go on it. And they all came. And they all came. They came, they conquered, they logged.

19:36What do Rihanna's new tattoo, Katie Price's missing husband and Madonna on Grindr all have in common? We're talking about them on Shouldn't Laugh But with me, Laura Smith. And me, Carmen Butcher. This week, we're getting into Rihanna's latest tattoo inspired by her kids' artwork. We're also diving into the internet sleuthing around Katie Price's latest relationship drama. Plus, we'll get into Madonna popping up on Grindr. and why some people found it iconic, why others were absolutely mortified. Expect strong opinions, chaotic stories and probably a few things that we shouldn't laugh at. But obviously we will anyway.

20:10Listen and watch Shouldn't Laugh But on Global Player YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

20:28Carvana, it was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may apply. Oh, I've never told anyone this, but hey, Luanna and Ima, I bloody love you three and the pod and everything you do for us. Thank you, darling. I'm an OG and been listening every week since the conception of you two as a thing. But this is my first time writing in. I've recently converted to the period cup. Big up, Imo. And it's been amazing. And I'm absolutely anal when it comes to cleaning it.

21:10Obviously, during the monthlies, I just rinse and whiz it back up myself. But once they're done, it's straight into my period cup designated old saucepan for the obligatory boil. Why don't you just put it in the dishwasher? Oh, I don't put it in the dishwasher. What do you do? I normally put it in like a mug and then put like boiling water over it and I do it a couple of times. But yeah, I do know some people that use like a saucepan and just boil it. Make some good soup. Oh, I put it in the dishwasher. I would do the kettle thing too. I would just be concerned with the dishwasher that like it would get detergent in it and then that would irritate the vagin.

21:51Anyway, she said, well, I went on a work trip last week. I was on my second period and I was on my period when I left. Halfway through the week it finished and I hadn't considered what I'd do with my dirty cup after. I couldn't just rinse it and bag it up. There wasn't a saucepan or any sort of cooking equipment in the shitty hotel room I was in. Oh no. But there was a kettle. No. Yes, I'm sorry future hotel stayers but I did toss my cup in the kettle and I bought I told you this is why I never drink. We've had this discussion before. I can't either. People boil their knickers in there. You should never use the kettle.

22:24Now a period cup. And now she's boiling her period cup in a kettle and then someone else is going to check in that But why didn't she just put the boiling water in a cup and put the cup in the cup? She wanted the bubbles. She said, I did rinse the kettle after so I'm assuming the remaining period guff would have been minimal to none, but not quite zero. But it did feel naughty. I didn't have a cuppa after that though. You sick fucker. Oh no babes. I did not need to hear that. Right, second one. Luanimo, thank you for the pod. Never stop. Okay, thank you. It completely makes my week. It makes me feel like I have three besties out there.

23:01I've just never met them in person. We are here for you, my love. Here's something I've never told anyone. The first thing I ever stuck up... I mean, you guys are just... You guys are you guys. The first thing I ever stuck up my vag was a glass cocktail stirrer that had a little glass slice of orange on the top. I know the ones. Very 70s. I didn't stick the orange end up me. Looking back, this probably wasn't the wisest choice. As I imagine it has snapped or something. That would have taken some explanation, explaining to my mum. Second attempt was my sister's most trusted... Had a lot of things up vagus.

23:35Yeah, it's a lot, Lou. It's always. Most trusted hairbrush, the handle. Then I progressed to bananas that I stuck a condom on for safety. I mean, I'm going to be honest. I haven't done a banana. I think a lot of us have thought about it. I know I definitely have. I've never stuck a banana up my vagus. No, I haven't. I have thought about it. Yeah, and put a condom on it too, in case a little nubbin thing scratched you. I've done a hairbrush hair at the end bit, yeah. Literally anything tubular in our house wasn't safe. I did attempt a couple of cucumbers, but they proved too girthy for my 15-year-old vag.

24:06I don't know how I feel about that. Let's move on. The favourite, though, was the detachable end of my mum's hair curling wand. She had different barrel sizes, so perfect for a beginner. She's shoving everything. Oh, she's a horny teenager. nor that I'd be recommending that to my teenage daughter. No. But you know what? Look, it is what it is. We have all been there though. We've all been there. We've all been there. We've all been there. Horny little pupescent girls. It's a thing. Yes, it is a thing. It is. And that is it. That is it. Remember, we're back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday.

24:37Do write in to us. It's Luana at everythingluana.com. You can also hop onto WhatsApp, send us a voice note or a message. Rate. We'll happily rate your farts as well. Happily. Happily. it's 07521564640 as you say we need the backing singers now we've got the lead singer for that also don't forget to follow the podcast please guys it's super important and share your favourite episode or favourite clip on socials we would love other people to join our Luanna gang and give us a 5 star review have a fab weekend we love you and we'll see you Monday bye this has been a Global Player original production Thank you.