TOTALLY EXTRA: Viruses, Pyjama Pockets & The Choccy Orange Mystery

0:02Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, pants and general explicit content, but you know you love it. Good morning, welcome to Thursday. It's nearly the weekend, it's very exciting in Luana land. How are you, Loubags? I'm good. She's still got a sore throat. She's had a sore throat for four weeks. Two weeks, two weeks. Fourth of December, baby. It is. Hi, Emojin. Hello. Are we looking forward to muff hunting in guys to see what our Lufanians have brought us for this week? True, yeah, definitely. Emma, have you been happy with the quality of content that's been coming in?

0:41Anna Williamson:Yeah, I have been. Okay, good. Keep it coming. No red marks. Also, before we muff hunt into this, please do follow us top right of your screen on your phone right now. Follow us on your favourite podcast platform. Hopefully that's Global Player. And also subscribe to our YouTube. You can find us on YouTube. We're Everything Luana. Should we have a see, have a little listen or read to what Anita Badcock... Anita Badcock. I need a bad cock. I need a bad cock. No, I couldn't be. Do you actually? No. No. I don't need any cock. It's a cock-free zone over here. Cock-free. Yeah. Cock-a-doodle. Want to do?

1:19Anna Williamson:No. Okay. Hello, you beautiful lot. She's got a scratchy throat. She's got a dicky throat. Hi, I have an embarrassing meeting the parents story. Oh, I love these. Emma gets a great name. You've given it there. As I know, my boss listens to this font. When I first met my partner, we were both only 17. So we spent most of our time going between our two houses, spending evenings in with his parents. His parents love planning board games. So often this would be how we filled our evenings. Wholesome. Yeah. On my first night of staying around, they decided to pull off the logo game to play. Oh, yeah.

1:51Anna Williamson:I'm very competitive and of course was ready to wipe the floor with my logo knowledge. We were getting to the end of the game and it was neck and neck between me and my partner's mum. His dad had a describe question, so he had to describe a brand and we have to guess what he's describing. He starts describing a battery brand with a trademark of a bunny, which of course was Duracell. We can see where this is going. But in my flustered state, I shouted Durex, the condom brand. The room went silent for a second until his mum burst out in laughter. I still hadn't clocked what I'd said until my partner embarrassingly corrected me.

2:23Anna Williamson:Safe to say they found out very early on that I was bonkers. Thankfully, they found it utterly hilarious, and four years later, it's still a topic of conversation. There's so many more stories about how I embarrassed myself in the early stages of my relationship. I could tell, including when my partner's brother found my song on the driveway. I mean, you are a saucy little minx, babes. We need more. Keep doing what you're doing. I love you guys and couldn't imagine my drives to work without you. Lots of love. Thank you, God. We've got a voice in it round from Anonymous next. So, Nora Tutmerbottom.

2:53Nora Tutmerbottom. No rat up my bottom. No rat up my bottom.

2:58Anna Williamson:No rats up my bottom. So, I'm a nurse. I work in general practice. Please give me another name as I could lose my job. However, this is really starting to get on my team. I'm about to go into my clinic. I'm sat in my car trying to rev myself up because I know the first person that walks through the door at the moment, with it being winter season, and there's a lot of coughs and there's a lot of colds. Yeah, that's me. And they walk in and they say, I've got a chest infection and I need antibiotics. Have you? Have you really? I'll be the one to decide. I'm going to do an assessment. I'm going to listen to your chest.

3:38Anna Williamson:I'm going to do the best for you. If you've got a chest infection, you will get antibiotics. But most likely, it's winter. You've got a cold. You've got a virus. The best thing about it is, then they go on when you say, sorry, no, this is a viral infection. You give them all the advice, you think they'd be happy. Yes, it's just a viral infection. Be happy you've got a viral infection. But no. Then they go on to say, whoa, my cousin's got a cough as well. My children have got a cough as well. That's because it's viral. You can't catch bacterial infections. People, Google. Honestly, try self-treating at home first.

4:17Anna Williamson:See the pharmacy. Stop coming into GP surgery. demanding antibiotics and telling me what you have. That's why the triaging is good. Let me do my job. Oh my God. So frustrating. I've probably got another, what, three or four months of this every day. Please keep me anonymous. Thanks. Can't stand hypochondriacs. Well, I was about to say you would not get on with her. Can't stand them. Right. Now, how would you feel if you won a whopping quarter of a million pounds? Wow. 250 ,000 smackeroonies. We are celebrating giving this away with Christmas cash call. What would you spend it on? Many things. Big old turkey.

5:02Massive turkey. Bloody army.

5:05Anna Williamson:I would put it towards a nice little cute little house in the Lake District which is my spiritual home. Just sack off the Renault. No, she wants another house. She wants a second home. I mean, why you choose a second home in shitty England? Oh, no, I'm going to defend England. There's shitty parts, but there's beautiful parts. And my God, Cumbria is the best. The weather doesn't change. But I like the weather. I love seasons. I love all the four seasons. I get that you don't, and I respect that. Louisa likes the four seasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lou likes one season in four, yeah. Four seasons in one.

5:42Anna Williamson:I love the UK. Well, parts of it. Not all of it. Not all of it. Anyway, listen, you could do whatever you wanted with the money. For Anna, that would be buying a second home in England. For Imo, it would be an army of turkeys. And for me, I'd put it towards a private jet. On Friday the 5th of December, a celebrity could be calling you with the gift. A present you'll never forget, a huge£250 ,000. This will go in your bank straight away. so here's how you get your number in the draw for your chance to win this is the massive 250 000 pounds text the word luanna to 82200 so that's l-u-a-n-n-a to 82200 now text cost 250 plus your standard network rate or you can enter online via global player lines close at 5 p.m friday the 5th of december that's when you'll need to be by your phone in case it rings you've got to be 18 or over get the rules online and free entry details for this global network competition at globalplayer.com slash win boom right we've got another voice note rant uh coming in now so oh it's the same nurse anna she's back she's back so nora tapped me bottom she's back again oh my god to add to my rant i've now come into the clinic and i've looked at my list oh yes it's very heavy in the chest infections but on there as well are the sore throats Oh, God.

7:12Anna Williamson:Again, viral, viral makes. No. One day, you've had a sore throat. How long have you had it for? One day. One day? One day? Take a cough syrup. Exactly. Take a lozenger. I wouldn't go to doctors for that. Go to pharmacy. Like, really, I wouldn't. Drink some water. You know, the general advice, the fucking advice that's all over the internet. Yeah. Jesus Christ, why are you wasting our time? Yeah. Very rarely are you going to get a quincy or a tonsillitis on day one. Then when you tell them, the guideline says, we need to wait so many days, see if this clears up, or you're not scoring enough on the risk chart, because this is not a bacterial infection.

7:57Anna Williamson:This is viral. Jesus Christ, people. No wonder the NHS is on its fucking knees. Please, please do better. Yeah, good. Oh, and again, apparently, she's back. Also, if you are going to come in with your viral infection, please stop bringing all of your five kids. Also, if you are going to bring all of your germ-ridden five kids, please make sure they behave, because there's nothing worse than having five of you in a tiny little consultation room, coughing and spluttering everywhere. Also, think of Paul Vera, who's out in reception, who's also got leukaemia, is on chemotherapy. She couldn't get an appointment for three weeks because you selfish bastards are taking up the appointments with your virus.

8:43Anna Williamson:She's got a point. Oh, and again. She's back again. I've now calmed down. I've got a coffee. I'm going to put my smiley face on. If I can't keep a smiley face for the whole 10-hour shift, I'll just put a mask on. Thanks. Have a nice day, people. You are my queen, and I hope you are a receptionist from my local GP surgery. surgery. She's a nurse. Well, nurse from my local GP surgery because you are a legend. You are brilliant, Nora. You can imagine her when she does the flu clinic, right? You know the flu clinic jabs. She'll be one of those ones that takes real pleasure in just stabbing everyone.

9:20Get it in you. Bang! Does it hurt?

9:26Anna Williamson:Right, kids say the funniest things from a lot of us. So, loose sc**t.

9:35Is that you? No, but it's so good. Best one yet. Best one yet. So, a play on my name. Just again.

9:47Anna Williamson:Hi, Luanimo. Love the pod, love the laws, and love how you make me feel normal as a feral mother barely clinging to sanity. Oh, babes, listen. Join the club. We've got you. Anyway, kids say the funniest things, but mine has recently taken it upon herself to destroy the last remaining molecule of dignity that I had left. So picture this, post-swimming lesson, me and my two-year-old in the shower cubicle. You know the type, no privacy, everything echoes, and every mum can hear every splash, sob and questionable parenting choice. My daughter is happily scrubbing herself with her little bluey body wash.

10:19Anna Williamson:She's even washing my legs and tummy too, which I absolutely allow, because it keeps her quiet long enough for me to wash my hair. Momentarily, I forget one tiny detail. Don't. I have a tampon in and the string, the string is out, out. Not tucked up the bum crack, you know what I mean? Suddenly she stops, looks directly between my legs, like she's about to diagnose me with something tragic and goes, Mummy, what's that? Panicking, I go for the classic. It's mummy's nunny, just like yours. She looks at me like I'm the village idiot and goes, No mummy, not your nunny, that's string. And before I can, stop it.

10:57Anna Williamson:Before I can even inhale, she tugs it. Like she started a flipping on the mower. Wallop! I'm now clenching every muscle in my body, hoping my blood-soaked tampon does not plop onto the cubicle floor like a scene from CSI. I'm trying not to cry, laugh, faint or die at this rate. Through gritted teeth, I manage, Darling, please don't pull that. It's mummy's plaster for her ouchie. Why did we come out with his bollocks, his parents? I so had done the same thing. Without missing a beat, she goes, Oh, is that why you were bleeding from your ninny? Every mum, fully invested now and giggling like hysterical schoolgirls.

11:34Anna Williamson:We finish up. I strut out trying to act like a woman who still has her tampon securely inside her body. Spoiler, I did not. Somewhere between the cubicle and the lockers, my poor tampon made its bid for freedom. Oh my God. The entire ladies changing room saw it. The children saw it. My daughter loudly asked,

11:56Anna Williamson:why was there a red mouse on the floor kill me honestly just kill me please keep me anonymous and please please give me your best name i think i've earned it oh you have bloody kids that's absolutely hilarious we've now got a voice from angelica Angelica, where are you, Angelica? Hi Luanna, it's Angelica from Kent. Just a little voice note because I just came home and my nephew has got the role of Joseph in his first nativity at his school. There we go. And I didn't know that I had this in me but my heart started beating fast. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. He's going to be a star. I ran into him and I shook him and I was like, Fred you're going to be a superstar and he was like I'm going to be a star in the nativity and I said no no no you're going to be a superstar you're Joseph I didn't know I had that in me that normal he's not even my child anyway thought I just had to tell you that because I know you do this feature I hope that makes you laugh in my school nativity I played the moon which is obviously a brilliant role and at the time I really fancied this guy like not guy boy child um because i was also a child at the time um and i'm pretty sure he was like joseph so i was like standing on the stage um and my dress up for the moon was a hula hoop covered in like loads of tissue paper in front of my face and then just like you know the standard leggings black leggings whatever everyone else wears from george yeah what a brilliant role that was for me probably why I'm so excited for my nephew getting a starring role.

13:48Anna Williamson:So yeah, the moon, it's no white, white hole, but it's pretty low in the roles that they give out. White, white hole. You and my brother will forever be bonded over that. Well, I would say, I mean, Elle's the star. She is a star. And I actually, I watched Nativity the other day with her, it was on the telly, and Alex had taken Enzo. Oh, it's so good. Your kids would love it. It's proper Christmas magic. I have to watch it. But then I noticed in that, the costumes, some of the kids wore, they had a very cool star costume. I'm going to find that fucking costume. And she's going into school in that.

14:25Anna Williamson:They always do this. Big star energy. Yeah, we don't want the parents spending any money unnecessarily. Around the head. Yes, that one. Yeah. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. And then you need to add to it. Sure. Right, we've got a Pussy Polly rant from Sandra next. I'm sure everyone is just going to say I'm getting old. but I went to my favourite artist's concert on Saturday night and I was livid. Why does everyone just record it on their phones? My mum says this. It's true though. You never watch it back. You never watch it in real... No. What's the point? I honestly think it's a bit pointless but I also appreciate people do it.

14:58Anna Williamson:Not only did I have hundreds of people's phones held up in front of me but I had to mainly watch the concert through them. I understand that artists want them to post these for publicity on social media but it is so annoying. Please just enjoy the moment. Anyway, I solved the issue by singing very badly and even louder than ever. So when they got home, they won't hear the artist. They would just be able to hear me. I love that. Love that. Ruin it. Thanks for letting me get off my chest. I love you girlies. Don't keep me a non as apparently you guys think my name is already classed as a granny name, but I wouldn't say no to a funny porn star name.

15:29Anna Williamson:M-O, they're hilarious. Sandra from Oxfordshire. Love that, Sandra. What shall we call her? I don't know. San in my sock. Sanitation Station There you go Sanitation Station We've got another Petty Polly from Anonymous So Izzy Inyat Izzy Inyat Hi Luana Love the pod and all that jizz I have my first ever Petty Polly for you So please keep me an on Give me a porn star name Oh she's named herself Of Izzy Inyat I got home from work this evening After a long day of farming My boyfriend had been at football with his friends all afternoon and then went to the pub after for a few pints. I'm not bothered about this, as he's also a farmer and rarely gets an afternoon off.

16:18So I thought, good for him. When I arrived home, I found him pissed watching the rugby with no dinner made, of which he said he would do, along with dirty dishes in the sink, the house looking like a shithole and dogs screaming for their food. And just to top it off, his gran had been around to drop something else while we were out. Why is it always when the house is a mess that people drop in? Anyway, I started angrily tidying up and started thinking about what petty poly I could do to make myself feel better. So I looked across the kitchen to see his lovely barber jacket that he wears to the pub and football every week dumped on the kitchen table.

16:51So I picked up the jacket, pulled my pants down and wiped the collar on my 13 hour workday arse crack. The Hoff Be Woffing. I now feel so much better and I can't wait to see him wear that jacket next. Love the pod. You girls keep me company through long hours of milking cows and driving to work in the early hours. Lots of love. Is he in yet?

17:10Anna Williamson:Loving all our farmer listeners, you know. Yeah, I've got a lot of farmer listeners. You are welcome, guys. Bloody love it. Voice note rant from Charlie next. Hi, Luenamo. This is a live rant incoming. I'm just trying to get myself in the festive mood. Started my Christmas shopping. Just ordered some family matching pyjamas. And I don't care if you think that they're lame or cringy. Our family absolutely love them. And we have them every year. Yeah, you do, you, baby. But I have just opened the ones that I ordered. And for the third or fourth year in a row, where I have purchased from different shops every time, I've opened it only to find that the male pyjamas have got pockets, but not the female pyjamas or the kids' pyjamas.

18:01Anna Williamson:what the fuck is that about pocket pissed i don't understand why do men need pockets and no one else surely the only thing you're going to put in your pocket is a phone and we all have those so why do they put pockets on men's pajamas but not women's i just don't understand it and i'm appealing to anyone who works in the industry to explain themselves as to why that is a thing it's very frustrating and I've now decided that I'm going to return these pyjamas that I bought for myself and get myself the male ones just so that I can have pockets too because it's Christmas and I deserve them and so does anyone else so if you haven't placed your order yet for some Christmas matching pyjamas then I would suggest that you get yourself the male pyjamas so that you too can get the pockets that you deserve it's so annoying Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

19:00Anna Williamson:No need to keep me anonymous. My name's Charlie and I'm calling from Shepparton. Strong rant. Strong. Strong, my love. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. Right, message from Ivana Fuck You. Ivana Fuck You. Ivana Fuck You. Ivana Fuck You. Ivana Fuck You, yeah. Hello, Luanna. Younger listener here, but big fan. Thanks to my big sister getting me into your pod. You are always my go-to on a long job for work when I'm on site. Pleasure, babes. However, it's hard to not laugh out loud at you, as well as always playing on my long drives of therapy. Okay. Following up from your last episode with Kim, Weirder of the Week, picking out her escape routes in any situation, very valid, as I've always been the same, whether that's imagining my route in a shooting, even though we are in the UK, or my house fire, what to grab first list.

19:50Anna Williamson:Yeah, I do that one too, actually. I have a strange question for you that I love asking people. Here we go. you've been offered 10 million pounds to hide a singular paper clip in your house an fbi team will be coming in and raiding the shit out of it where are you placing it the more extreme the answer the better love the pod please give me the name of ivana fuck you love you lots oh good one where would you place that um so i don't know why i've just thought of this i thought i would super glue it to the underside of the flush toilet mechanism intense what about you em maybe well I've thought about this before I don't think it's great I think there are better ones but maybe like in the bottom of my like flower pot not flower pot with flowers in it but flower with like flower that you bake with oh that's a good one maybe Lou?

20:44I'd put it like in the inside of a printer

20:48Anna Williamson:nice actually I'm going to change my mind I would open a crisp packet put it in there then reseal the crisp packet. That's a lot of effort. Or do you know what you could do is just get a box of paperclips and put it in with the box and how would they know what one it was? There she is. Yeah, I thought about that. That's the first thing that came to my mind. Just put it with a bunch of other paperclips. It's like one of those IQ tests, isn't it? The question I've thought of before, it wasn't a paperclip, it was a USB stick and I was like, put it in a pot of USB sticks and then the person I was talking about it with was like, they would just try every single USB stick.

21:20You're a banana. but when the paper clip how would they know what one it was exactly true otherwise you're just looking for a single paper clip so if you even if you saw a box of paper clips you're not really gonna look there because they're just a box of paper clips they'd be thinking they're gonna single out that one paper clip and put it somewhere like in the bottom of a flower pot or stick it somewhere you just literally just put it in obvious in the office really good question I've enjoyed it thank you right confessions I've never told anyone this but hello love the pod and all that jizz gay man fan here just thought I'd write in to tell you about the time my mum buried the wrong cat we live in a small village so please give me a porn star gay name Craven Moorhead ooh strong Craven Moorhead Craven Moorhead a few months ago we saw an announcement on Facebook regarding a dead cat found by the roadside an elderly lady was asking if anyone had lost a cat as there was a dead cat found by the road that had been hit by a car and she was trying to locate the owner.

22:24My mum, in a complete panic, hadn't seen our cat all day and had convinced herself that this cat must be ours and set out to investigate. On arrival, the cat, who was the same size and colour as ours, was wrapped in a blanket which the old lady had supplied. So my mum scooped her up and brought her home, ready to bury alongside the hamster in the garden. A few hours had passed and I was in the kitchen looking out the window in the garden when something caught my eye. I looked closer, only to see a cat in the garden. Not just any cat. Our dead cat was in the garden, completely alive. What the hell had we buried, I thought.

22:58On inspection, the cat in the garden was definitely our cat. So whose cat have we buried? The next day, there was a further Facebook announcement on our village Facebook page, asking if anyone had seen her cat. And the cat we had buried was her cat. We dug up the cat and drove it off to the nearest Pets at Home vets to see if the cat was chipped. To save face, we decided to tell them that we found the cat in a muddy field adjacent to a busy road and it must have been hit and thrown into the bushes, hence why the cat was so muddy. Anyway, a few months on, karma has actually hit us and our actual cat has left this world.

23:40He actually died by being hit by a speeding car and the people who found our actual cat are the owners... of the cat that we buried by mistake. What? Hope that gives you a chuckle. Oh, no. Love, love the pod. My family at Olyfanians. Regards, Craven Mocock. You've got some weird connection around...

24:00Anna Williamson:Cat death. Cat death. Shit, babes. Right, next up, I've got a Christmas confession for you. I've never told anyone this, but a few years ago, it was Christmas Day, and the whole family was gathered opening their presents from their stockings. Now, every year, without fail, I get every... I have this. Yes, I always ask my mum for a dark chocolate Terry's orange. Really? Always a red one. Can't beat it. Everyone opened their very familiar-shaped present at the same time to delight, and then confusion as they realised that their chocolate oranges had been tampered with. The chocolate gone. The wrapper now wrapped around different odd items.