TOTALLY EXTRA: "We Are Sitting On A Potential Gold Mine" - Penis Reviews, "Holibobs" & Stealth Pad Changes

0:00Anna Williamson:Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know you love it. This is a global production. My friend who is paying her mortgage selling penis reviews. We are sitting on a potential goldmine. It was one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth and that is saying something. I had a pack of tissues in my bag So I wrapped it in about 14 of them And shoved it in the seat pocket

0:37Anna Williamson:Hola Hola, bonjour, comme ça And welcome to Thursday I'm Luana Totally Extra Guys, it's Louisa I never call you Louisa Hi Hello I'm Anna, we are on our Holly Bobs I hate that word, I'm actually going to ban that in the bin It's a shit word Should we put something in the bin every week? Yes This week, Hollybobs Last week, school plays That's it, love that, love that Actually, Monday was school plays Thursday Monday was school plays Hollybobs The word Hollybobs I'm surprised you don't like it because you love abbreviating everything I do, so why do I hate that? I think someone wants that I know It's a little bit annoying, kept saying it And I think I've stuck with that vision What was her name?

1:29right as Anna said this is Luana totally extra we are bringing you extra rants extra chat extra confessions extra stories extra you please do follow on your favorite podcast platform top right hand corner press it now and also if you're watching on YouTube hello subscribe now you know you love us G'day G'day YouTubers we're going to muff on in right now with some misheard lyrics oh that accent just gone from Anon it's quite good from you it was for about three words so Lady Bia Majora Lady Bia Majora Lady Labia Lady Bia Lady Bia Majora Labia basically Labia yeah Vag yeah Vag Face I've got one for misheard lyrics hold on excellent excuse me I used to think that oh hold on oh silent we're going to do rate my fart next week by the way I've got something special lined up have you?

2:36Anna Williamson:yeah I have I need to actually my farts are always silent I'm at a disadvantage well I have to be honest with you I'll give you a clue you've recorded someone else Well, I had to, very close-knit circle. I've had to outsource slightly. I have been outsourcing. My children have been recording that. Well, excellent, excellent. I've had to outsource because mine were pathetic. Yeah, mine was just silent, but very violent. Yeah, but deadly. So deadly. Right, I used to think that Madonna's song, Papa Don't Preach, I'm in trouble deep. She used to think it was Papa Don't Preach. I've written in before as Lady Bia Majora, so I'll keep that name for this.

3:20Love you, bye.

3:21Anna Williamson:Love it. Papa Dombridge. Dombridge. You can see how that could happen. You can, you can. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Pizza. Okay, I've got it up. Should I do it? Have we got it? Has it most of them? Yeah, I've got it. Yeah, ready? Oh, I didn't see these. Right, here we go. Pizza. Hi, girls. I love the part and all that wank. Oh. A little rant here, just a mini one. why do we as a great British public or even even the world public it's not it doesn't just happen in the UK um put up with inflated airport prices so I got back from Malta yesterday landed back at the wonderful Stansted airport and um we've got a mini bus to take us home because I couldn't be asked to drive and um I thought you know what I'm feeling a bit peckish so while we were waiting for the man to come and collect us um popped into wh smith next to costa we all know the one in the arrivals area yeah and i thought no i'm just gonna have some crisps and a bottle of water for the drive home um thought i'd get some for my husband as well go in there see a packet of mccoy's oh bear in mind it was it was a bigger packet but it was still just a single packet of mccoy's crisps salt and vinegar to be precise um and a bottle of water so i've got a packet of crisps each and one bottle of water.

4:43Guess how much that came to? That's right,£14. Stop it. For two packets of crisps and a bottle of water. Why do we put up with these prices? I mean, how is there not a law against price gouging in airports? It's absolutely disgusting. Of course I paid it. Of course I did. And that's why they still keep charging it, because people pay it. But surely there should be some sort of law against that.

5:06Anna Williamson:I work for a large supermarket chain. The one that you can check out how long people have been there for on their name badges. And 23 years from me, just FYI. And that same packet of crisps is£1.50 at the moment. £14 for two packets and a bottle of water. Disgusting. Anyway, love you all. No. That's horrendous. That can't be right. I'm looking this up. You must have got something else. Or do you know what? Something must have been on that checkout. I mean, that's daylight robbery. That's ridiculous. Do you know what though, Lou? I have, I genuinely, I was saying something the other day and it sounds like, oh, so granny.

5:46Anna Williamson:But I have really, I didn't notice it last year. But I've really noticed it this year, you know, with the food prices going up. And just how gradually they snuck and snuck and snuck and snuck and snuck. And it's like, oh my God, like food is so bloody expensive. Well, you should start growing your own. I've got, I've got, well, I've got these two people now that work for me and they live at, they live in the house and they live at Champneys and basically they love gardening and my little vegetable garden, oh they sent me videos today, I've got cucumbers I've got big cabbages they've just been growing all this stuff, they were like we've got a vegetable basket for you when you come home I was like oh, this is amazing so we should all grow our own and then at least we know what's going in our bodies that was a royal we like we should grow in because I haven't been doing it but but still it's been grown at home exactly so therefore i've done papa peter was dishing out all his organic cucumbers the other week and we've had such great weather in england to grow things it's been joyless um right we've got a message from a non so maggie z oh maggie z uh seen a few posts about selling feet etc on the luana facebook page recently and thought I'd tell you about my friend who is paying her mortgage selling penis reviews.

7:10What? I'm not sure what platform it is, but she's read a few for our group of friends and they're beautiful. Basically, men send her photos and request a review. She has a list that she works through to make sure she covers different aspects. Everything from size, girth, grooming, firmness, background, location, a hand, props, etc. She wrote the most articulate reviews that described how much she appreciates the effort they put in. If he's taken a dodgy penis picture in a public bathroom, she's honest about how that needs more thought in the future. If he's a bit short, she'll focus on the girth and that sort of thing.

7:47They're not short short, a good two or three paragraphs filled with compliments or areas that he might benefit from putting more thought into. I love this idea, not selling feet or your underwear, but giving feedback. They also pay really good money per review. Well, I could do that. I mean, I'll just use chat chippity.

8:09Anna Williamson:We are sitting on a potential goldmine. Joy, right. Right, husband windup from Kim. Hello, ladies. I have a hubby windup confession for you. Whenever me and the hubs have a little sesh and we finish with me on top. I like to linger for a few minutes and wait for him to let his guard down before I quickly jump off and aim all his best swimmers into his belly button. Nice. I like to share what can I say. He absolutely hates it and will try and divert me if he catches me in time but I get a goal every time. She's like, it brings me, like super sick. It brings me so much joy especially as I watch him waddle to the bathroom, balls are swinging, try to catch all the little blighters and they start to make their escape.

8:58Anna Williamson:The ghost is behind you. Oh, Teddy. Teddy's just coming. Oh, God. Teddy's back. Hang on. Let me get him back in. He's not run off then. Is he used to the new house? He loves it. He loves it. He loves being back. So anyway, she says, I love the pod. I need to keep running. It's Kim from Somerset. Brilliant. Well done, Kim.

9:25we've got a petty poly voice note now from non so we have called you millie peed

9:34Anna Williamson:hi l 'anamo just thought i would voice note in with petty poly that i've just realized i do um and i've only just figured it out and it's really making me laugh so we have this new guy that has started at work he is a crick can't stand him just get in the bin anyway i have noticed that when i make everyone a cup of tea i make sure i pour his last he gets all the grotty nasty lime scaly bits from the kettle again it's him with so much pleasure and i'm like you know enjoy your cup of tea and inside i'm like you get a whole lime scaly cup and it's gross and when i sit there It fills me with so much joy.

10:17Anna Williamson:Stop being attracted. Thank you. Good. Well deserved. Does sound like you need to descale that kettle. Good one. I like it. All right. Crystal Chandelier. Do you want to read this one, Bubz? Or are you still removing foot fluff? I'm still fluff and grout from my mouth. I have a story for a cat hair in there as well. I've done a story for the most chaotic thing you've done whilst trying to be mysterious. Oh, yeah. Love this. In 2021, I had been with my partner for five years, both living at home. There wasn't a lot of opportunity for, you know, loud rumpet sex. So one night, I took it into my own hands.

10:56Anna Williamson:I must say, this is very unlike me to make the effort to do so. When my partner was downstairs, I lit candles, got my sexiest lingerie on and a bag of sex toys at the ready. I hear him coming upstairs and I suddenly get awkward and nervous. So I know what to do to break the ice. I'll make him jump. I hide behind the door, tits out, vag basically out, thinking this will be a corker. It's kind of stuff we do. He opens the door and I jump out, but he screams, thinking that was a bit dramatic.

11:26Anna Williamson:I don't mind, he was holding two scalding cups of tea and had burnt off skin on his forehead. I quickly would put my dressing gown, the right name for that. we blow out the candles so we can't see what I was trying to do save to say I didn't get animal sex that night, instead I was refreshing cold water bowls for my partner's new injury we're still together five years later and we're much less awkward now, still living at home so rampant sex is far between maybe for the best as I do a bit to be clumsy, oh image of a tea scar attached in the newest picture of us you can see the tea scar is gone but there is still a scar line on his foreset that also may have been my fault but that's another story of another day love the pod ladies call my stripper name Crystal Chandelier oh my god oh my god that's so bad that's so severe he's actually sort of smiling he doesn't seem cross lovely eyes he's actually very handsome very beautiful with a massive what can anybody describe as the size of like an orange sized welt on his forehead It's like a little Clementine time.

12:42Oh, poor man. Jesus, that's really bad. From tea, I wouldn't have thought that. White forehead. He must have gone, oh, a child. Well, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, right. Go on, get it. Oh, favourite, you like a joke? We love a joke. Joke from Emma. What is a lesbian's, I love a good lesbian joke as well. Go on, you do. I know why Emma's put this in. What is a lesbian's favourite drink? a flappuccino she says Emma from Kent I can't take the credit a fellow mum told me whilst we were at a kids party and we giggled like children whilst ensuring the five-year-olds didn't hear us and repeat the joke to their mates love it Hannah's also got one she says hi girls I want to send you my favorite joke my family roll their eyes now as soon as I say this so two fish in a fish tank oh two fish in a tank one says to the other how do you drive this thing

13:49Anna Williamson:I don't get it do you get it yeah two fish in a tank one says to the other how do you drive this Like an army tank and then a fish tank. Yeah. What's the joke? Well, there's two fish in a tank, so we're thinking fish tank. Yeah. But the joke is... That they're in an army tank. They're actually in an army tank. I mean, I think we got... I didn't get that one. I didn't find that that funny. can I just say that was probably the best your description as you were trying to explain it to me we've got to watch that on YouTube guys that was the best Alice from Vicar of Dibley explaining of the joke I think we've ever had thank you Hannah right we've got another message from Anonso Lillian Hi Luanna Renemo I was just listening to last week's episode When you were talking about charging for sex When are we going to do a tally And bring this I think we were at the end of the summer End of summer It was before the September records We've still got August I might need to up my game I've only done it once But I'll save it for the full detail Wait, did you get something?

15:14Yes

15:15Anna Williamson:What did you get? well it was the other night I'm tired and then we're moving yeah Alex in the other room obviously in the family but I really wanted a massage because my neck hurt he like couldn't be bothered I was like I'll give you a you know blowy or a quickie yeah yeah I said quickie yeah quickie's easier than a blowy yeah exactly so he did so you've got a massage I haven't got anything yet okay well I haven't asked for anything I need to ask what should I ask for I'm like well I don't know but when something comes up I was like I know I know what I'll do have a think about it, it'll come to you when it happens I need to think of something I always want something you do actually always want something so I'm sure we can find something a new animal or something but anyway she says I was listening when talking about charging for sexual favours, and I thought I'd share my current way of keeping me and my hubby both happy.

16:20Anna Williamson:I've got a chronic lower back problem. Oh, that's awful. During a flare-up, any sort of sex is off the cards. So I told my husband it really turns me off when I watch him having a wank. It doesn't take him long, so I only have two or three minutes of pretending. It's the best thing I've ever seen, leaving him thinking he's some sort of sexual god, and he's not pestering me for a few days. This is genius. Yes. This is smart. This is so smart. To anyone else who's sex drive is a lot lower than your partners, this is the perfect solution. Love you, girls. I love watching you wank. I love watching you toss yourself.

16:53Anna Williamson:Yeah. And they'll be like, uh, uh. And then you can, like, talk them through it. And you're like, yeah. And then you can just, yeah. This is so hot. Oh, God, he really does it for me. That's it. My lips are lubricating. Oh, yeah, go on. Come for me now. Yeah. That's it. Done. Over. Done. you you are smart smart you are smart you get the you get the throne of the week yes of the week

17:18uh right on some more confessions uh i've never told anyone this but hey girls love the pod they brighten up my weeks no end i've never told anyone this vile story for a good reason oh But Luana is a safe space. So here goes. Okay. I was once on a long-haul flight, sat in the hellish middle seat, and I got the most horrendous period cramps. It's like me in the middle seat, Jarempa. It works. On the way back.

17:46Anna Williamson:Oh, back from the Dubai war. From Oman. Back from the war. I farted. Gas bagging the whole way. Well, I didn't want to be in that middle seat, and I made everyone suffer for that. You did. Right, anyway. I got the most horrendous period cramps. I was doubled over sweating, doing the deep breathing, all whilst the rest of the cabin was asleep or watching movies. After a while, I knew I needed to sort myself out. But both people either side of me were asleep and the seatbelt sign was on. In my desperation, I decided it was dark. I could just stick my cardi on my lap, use my handbag as a shield and stealthily change my pad in my seat.

18:25I actually managed it without my row of neighbors noticing. wow wait she changed the pad what did she do with the well well i was feeling smug with myself until i was sat exactly with a bloody used pad in my hand not knowing what to do with it luckily i had a pack of tissues in my bag so i wrapped it in about 14 of them and shoved it in the seat pocket i got off that plane and never looked back whoever cleaned row 34 seat e on that bo flight to Cancun in 2019. I'm so sorry. Wow. Oh, you dirty bitch. Wow. Resourceful, though. That is quite rank, though. I mean, that's like a health hazard to whoever had to tidy that up.

19:10Anna Williamson:It's stealth. That's stealth, though, changing a sani pad in the middle seat on a flight. Wow. That is, like, ballsy. We love the confession. Next up, hey, Lou Animo, I'm a straight man fan, and I've got a confession for you. Come on. Bring it in, baby. bring it to Aunty Lou and Aunty Yana that sounded weird my wife is a really keen baker watches Bake Off and anything cooking, baking, religious how lovely to have a baking wife I used to be like that now I'm not yes, I've never been that the problem is this is why I don't bake because I can cook non-baked goods quite well can't bake, the problem is she's bloody terrible at baking every year for my birthday she makes me this massive elaborate cake and every year it's genuinely awful dry weird flavor combination she sounds like the old deer off um vicar of dibley do you remember the old deer used to be like giving all the weird concoctions it's just not nice but she does put so much effort in i can't say anything gosh every time i grin through the pain i tell her it's delicious as i just can't break her spirit last week it was my birthday and she made me a rosemary and orange sponge.

20:26Anna Williamson:Oh, she's very creative. Oh, she is. It was one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth and that is saying something. But obviously I can't tell her. Oh, you are a good husband. You can never say. You can never say. Oh, why don't you buy her like a baking course for her birthday? She'd probably really like it and it would improve things for you. Or say you're suddenly like gluten intolerant. Maybe it'll taste even worse then. Oh no, yeah, it'll be worse. And she's going to like use gluten-free flour and shit. And everybody knows that that gluten-free stuff just tastes rank. Horrendous.

21:04Anna Williamson:Do you know what you could do? Is like if there's one that is not as bad as the other ones, you should double it and go, you know what, I love your chocolate sponge. Like, you know, your plain, plain chocolate sponge. That is my favourite. Or like the school cake. I just like a vanilla or a Vicky sponge. that is my favourite favourite and you are she might fuck that up as well though to be fair I would just buy her a cooking course at some local colouring school she would love it, you would also love it and you could be like you know I know how passionate you are and I just thought you'd really enjoy this and actually she probably would, I would like that I think it's a really good idea, buy her a baking course pronto and a nice wife do you know what that made me laugh because every time Andrew eats anything he goes um he goes thank you so much that was lovely really enjoyed that he does he like has this line I think it's a habit more than like enjoy so so tonight I've heard him say that thank you so much darling that was lovely so tonight he had um a leftover lasagna I'd cooked yesterday that was supermarket bought I'd just put in the oven and then I like made a salad and that was also from yesterday that was in the fridge and he just like he had that for dinner basically and I did nothing to serve it up tonight either like I didn't even get the microwave on no he just did it he got it out he did it all himself right and then at the end of eating at the end of eating I was like crocheting at the table because I wasn't hungry and he's like scrapes this little plate in the bin he went thank you so much that was really delicious he's so cute I've heard him say it I've actually heard thank you so much that was delicious that was delicious thank you so much that was delicious and I went but I didn't do anything I just didn't even put it on the plate for you and he went no I know but you know you made the salad yesterday and you bought it from the supermarket honestly his manners are impeccable he has such lovely manners he cracked me up thank you so much Thank you so much.

23:11Anna Williamson:That was delicious, darling. I've heard him say that after one of his microwave lunches he's had with the accountant Cliff. He does the whole, you know, napkin on the side of the mouth. Thank you so much. That was delicious. Thank you so much. Delicious. And I'm like, wow, that's enthusiastic for a Marks and Spencers meal for one. But we'll take it. God bless him. Bless little A dog. So cute. Right, that is it for this week's Luanna Toto Extra. don't remember we will be back with your usual days of Luana on Monday but well you do have to wait until then but we do need you

23:48Anna Williamson:we do need you you are going to have to wait until then but we do need you, please send in all of your guff, all your stories, we know that everything we've talked about this week we know you've got some right to replies we know you've got some juice, send it in to Luana at everythingluana.com don't forget to rate, follow, subscribe all of the guff it's really important to us and for the podcast as well to continue growing and bringing you all of this joy next week we might have something a little bit special in the shape of a special Rate My Fartage we shall see when Imogen Rose Hart is back but for Lou and I we will say bonge voyage in the words of Andrew your husband thank you very much that was delicious This has been a global production.