In short
Halloween special episode of Luanna the podcast. Main segments: Luanna’s near-sepsis scare; a long, explicit anecdote about being taken by PR/clients to a Jamaican hardcore porn club; listener messages about monetising sex and “grand gestures”; relationship advice for a woman with anxious attachment after domestic abuse; a listener’s humiliating 1980s first-sex story; news debate on banning smacking children in England; discussion of Kim Kardashian’s Skims “pubic hair” underwear; quirky listener confessions and a rant about bad voice-note recording etiquette.
Guests/backgrounds
No named guests; hosts are Luanna/Imogen/Emma/“Lou”/“Imo” (recurring co-hosts). Guest content comes from listeners who email/WhatsApp in.
Key claims
The Jamaican club story was “never going to be spoken about again” (until broadcast). Smacking should be banned in England; Wales/Scotland already banned. Kim’s pubic-hair underwear is absurd and a marketing “social experiment.” Sex/relationship reassurance and mutuality matter; anxious attachment drives overthinking.
Notable examples
“butt-naked” performers and a “boxing ring” stage; fairy-lights proposal; charging husband for BJs/chores; rejected sex after two weeks; 18-year-old first time where boyfriend collapsed from painkillers/alcohol for two hours; voice notes recorded through AirPods/car Bluetooth.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOHalloween Costumes and Themes
0:45 to 2:34
Discussing Halloween costumes and personal Halloween experiences.
“Can I just say, actually, I'm going to...”
Public Service Announcement
2:34 to 3:38
A humorous update on a health issue and discussions about seasonal changes.
“But the tingly hand and tingly arm has now got better so I think I have now managed to dodge undiagnosed sepsis.”
Holiday Plans and School Breaks
3:38 to 5:46
Conversations about children's school breaks and holiday plans in warmer climates.
“Sorry, Emma's looking at me because I'm just trying to hang my skeleton on my mic.”
Awkward Anecdote from Jamaica
5:46 to 6:40
Sharing a humorous and embarrassing story about visiting a Jamaican club.
“So when we went away and whenever we went to do a competition shoot, you typically then have your crew.”
Unexpected Night Out Experience
6:40 to 11:18
Detailing an unexpected and awkward experience at a Jamaican nightclub.
“So we asked, I don't know, somebody like, where's a good place?”
Transition to Did You Know Segment
11:18 to 11:41
A transition leading into an informative segment with Imo.
“Except now to one and a half million people.”
Halloween Pumpkin Facts
11:41 to 12:20
Discussing facts about pumpkins sold during Halloween and their uses.
“Approximately 24 million pumpkins are sold in the UK each year for Halloween.”
Monetizing Household Tasks
12:20 to 13:22
A humorous discussion about charging for household chores and services.
“Like, what are you going to do with all these pumpkins?”
Negotiating Household Chores and Payments
14:01 to 15:40
Learn about discussing fair payment for household chores among family members.
“Well, no, it's how big is, how do you quantify a load?”
Grand Gesture Love Story
15:40 to 18:23
Listen to a heartfelt story of a romantic gesture involving fairy lights.
“I'm writing in response to your request for grand gesture stories.”
Show all 21 chapters
Tackling Relationship Insecurities
18:23 to 23:52
Explore the complexities of trust and insecurity in relationships after trauma.
“I want to be as open as I can so he can understand why I am who I am now.”
A Mortifying First Sexual Experience
23:52 to 28:01
Hear a humorous and embarrassing tale of a listener's first time having sex.
“yeah it's a tricky one good luck good luck babes um message from anonymous so claudia wrinkleming there you go you know when him's made one out because she dies laughing she's just came up with that last night.”
A Humiliating Encounter
28:01 to 30:00
A personal story of an embarrassing sexual incident at a young age.
“Now, when I say collapsed, not with satisfied exhaustion, but it turns out a cocktail of painkiller drugs and Stella.”
Listener's Feedback and Interaction
30:01 to 30:43
Hosts discuss a listener's message and encourage audience interaction.
“I went off to uni determined that my next foray into sex would be a little less hideous and it was.”
Debate on Smacking Children
30:51 to 33:19
An in-depth discussion on the controversial topic of smacking children and its implications.
“This has been doing the rounds very much over the last couple of weeks.”
The Challenges of Modern Parenting
33:20 to 38:04
Hosts share their thoughts on the difficulties and changes in contemporary parenting.
“I think teaching your children by physical punishment.”
Kim Kardashian's New Product Controversy
38:05 to 40:08
Hosts react to Kim Kardashian's launch of underwear with fake pubic hair.
“So Kim Kardashian has launched underwear with fake pubes, basically.”
Lighthearted Banter on Quirky Behaviors
40:09 to 42:01
Discussion about amusing behaviors like pretending to be an MI5 agent and other quirks.
“Kim Kardashian roasted for insane new skims pubic hair thong.”
Silly Stalking Hobbies
42:01 to 43:00
The hosts share quirky habits and pastimes that might seem odd but are relatable.
“and she said she was nearly with me since then every time that I have got time to kill I do this and it's great fun this sounds really fun it actually does sound quite fun That's really good.”
Rant of the Week Introduction
43:01 to 43:36
Lou and the team transition into discussing things that annoy them this week.
Voice Note Etiquette
43:37 to 44:56
Imo shares her frustrations about poorly recorded voice notes and how to improve them.
“How's that car doing outside your mouth?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:02This is a Global Player original podcast.
0:05Anna Williamson:Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, pants and general explicit content. But you know you love it.
0:20Oh my God, we are dressed up for Halloween. I've had to take my mask off because I couldn't see. Where's that from? I don't know. I found it in my cellar.
0:31Anna Williamson:It's from a film, isn't it? I mean, to be fair, it's terrifying. It says, Happy Halloween week, everybody. Happy Halloween week. Happy in the trenches of autumn. Imo is Claudia Winkleman, complete with black eyeliner. Can I just say, actually, I'm going to... You look quite good as Claudia Winkleman. Can I just say, I'm going to say, there is no producer that exists that has made quite the effort that our Imo has. It's the nude lip with the orange face, the excellent eye makeup, the brilliant wig. Well done, Claude Immo today. I've come as Elizabeth Moss from Handmaid's Tale. Yeah, our favourite show.
1:13Anna Williamson:Lou has come as her seven-year-old Clemmie. Well, basically, I forgot to do anything and I found Clemmie's little dress. Then I found this cloak. It's not bad. This wig, this mask and this little guy, a little skeleton man. downstairs. So I just went to my fancy dress box in my cellar labelled Halloween. See, this is why you need to keep tut. Well, this is where being Louisa Zisman definitely excellently wins because you do have a box for everything. And this is great. This is why. Just one step ahead. Oh, little pop there. Good morning, everybody. Welcome. This is Luanna Halloween special. Nothing special about it except we've dressed up and of course we are bringing you our views on the big stories of the week as well as other guff It's a guffage, yeah.
2:04I mean Have you died from sepsis? We've been dying to know, dying
2:08Anna Williamson:Well I mean, it is Halloween you know, have I come back from the dead from this episode guys I mean it could well happen I would just like to say public service announcement, thank you to the kind, considerate people who have come up to me in their droves actually it's three people over the last week to inquire out in the general public how my gammy finger is. I'm delighted to say it's on the mend. It's still not perfect. Oh come off there. But the tingly hand and tingly arm has now got better so I think I have now managed to dodge undiagnosed sepsis. Brilliant. Congratulations. We're thrilled for you.
2:48Anna Williamson:Thanks Bob. How are you? How's your week been? I'm good. Just good. In doobs at the minute. Getting the sunshine, babes. You don't like the cold. Can I just say it's too cold for me now and I'm checking out. She's checked out, babe. She needs the sun. Honestly, I do. This is making me miserable. I wake up, it's dark. I go to bed, it's dark. But it's a thing. I like going to bed at seven o 'clock when it's still light outside. Yeah, yeah. Your circadian rhythm is very, very you. What's a circadian rhythm? When we wake and go to sleep with sun setting and the sun going. And actually, but genuine, you know, a lot of people are really sensitive to that.
3:21Anna Williamson:I love autumn and winter and cold. I just love all that. I do like the sun as well, but I'm quite a wintry person. But for some people, they are fucking miserable in winter and it's important to go to the sunshine. I just need to get out now. You need the sunny climes. So that's it. I'm in doobs now, two weeks. Do your kids get obviously half term? Sorry, Emma's looking at me because I'm just trying to hang my skeleton on my mic. Your kids are off a week or two weeks? We just get a week, thank God. Mine are two weeks. Good old state school. I love it because now I can go to the sunshine can't I?
3:53Anna Williamson:Actually to be fair you can do a good holiday I think it's a win win then because I feel it's good because at state school you get lesser holidays which means lesser having to look after my kids See I like it because I can go on holiday Yeah exactly It works, different folks, different strengths It works, I like it Why do, sorry I'm very tired, I've been very busy this morning You've overachieved this morning actually I've overachieved, filmed three pieces of content Yeah, you've done it, babes. Dressed up as a... You've done that. What is that? I don't know. Anyway, why in our notes does it say Anna Jamaica Porn Club?
4:29Because we mentioned it last recording, I think, and then Anna said I'll tell you about it next time. Oh.
4:35Anna Williamson:Do you remember? I don't know why we got onto this, though, last week. Were we talking about... I don't know how we got onto just weird things. Well, you need to tell us. Why have you been in a Jamaican porn club? I don't know if I've ever told this anecdote before or not, but it was about awkward things. What was the context? Someone had written in about going to a ping pong show. Oh, yes. And it got really awkward. And it spat in his face. Spat in his face. And then it got really... That was the context. Pussy ping pong. Yeah, that was it. It just totally took me back to probably about 15 years ago when I...
5:08Anna Williamson:So you know like Andy Peters on Good Morning Britain does the competitions, right? So I used to do that. Before it was Andy Peters, I used to do that. So it was brilliant because I'd basically travelled the world. and got paid to do it, which was the amazing best gig in the world. Brilliant gig. It was a brilliant gig. I loved it. Before kids, like, it was amazing. I was away every month. It was brilliant. It just went to everywhere. But we did, so we had a spate of going to Jamaica to do, I think we were working with Sandals Resorts at the time. Very nice. Very nice. Big up the sandals. Big up sandals.
5:40Anna Williamson:Very, very, I did quite a lot of work with them, actually. It was brilliant. But it just took me on to the awkwardness of when you're with clients, like when you're with work. So when we went away and whenever we went to do a competition shoot, you typically then have your crew. So you'd have your cameras, your sound, your producer, me, obviously, whoever was doing that. But you'd always then have the PRs as well. So you'd have someone from the PR agency. You then typically have the PR from the brand. So in this case, Sandals. So there's a little team, a little team. You don't really know them.
6:09Anna Williamson:You're just put together, aren't you? No, exactly. And also, you know your crew because you kind of typically travel all the time. But you also like there's a line, right? There's a line. Let's just say, I hope they're not listening to this because we all sort of said we were going to go to the grave on the story. No, just say it. It's fine. Don't take it to the grave. Enough time has lapsed. We're already in the grave. It's Halloween. I mean, to be fair, that's true, Lou. If ever there was a time, it's now. So one night, someone said, oh, should we get off resort and we'll go and do like a team night out somewhere?
6:40Anna Williamson:We're like, yeah, good idea. So we asked, I don't know, somebody like, where's a good place? And they went, oh, there's a really good club. It's a little bit out of town, but there's a really cool club. Out of town. Should have been a hint. Mate, I'm telling you. So I was like, okay, well, let's go. So we all got, you know, had our dinner and we're like, oh, we'll all go out. And we were like, I think we all thought it was going to be like quite a cool little, you know, rumba, like with some music and entertainment. And we were like, look, we're in Jamaica. Let's do Jamaica. And they were like, it's very local.
7:11Anna Williamson:You know, it's a bit off the beaten track. Fine, we'll give it a go. You know, we're good for this. so you know thinking you know that big old you know everyone just thinks that they you know yeah I'm just so Jamaica now do you know what I mean so anyway we go and get this car and I remember asking the dude that was like kind of like cleaning our room and stuff and I said he's away off out to tonight and I said I remember he looked at me a bit weirdly and I was like I don't know why he's looking at me like that and he and I remember he was going just be careful just be careful and I was like okay fine I've done what that means well we turn up we get in this cab and like we turn up at this it could only be described as down a dirt track another dirt track and then you're like oh christ like i'm gonna get like what is this we get to this sort of building and we're all getting out and we could not have stood out more there's literally like seven white middle class people dressed in like a couple were still in their pr business suits as well yeah i'm not even joking so then we get to this like tunnel bit where you know how you go into a nightclub like oh yeah and then you go to get your ticket or get your band or whatever so like what we just go with the flow guys you know so we get in the guy like and we should have known really because the the sort of bit where you got your ticket was like a jail grill like right fort knox fort bloody knox right anyway they look at us a bit weirdly we get in we go and we sit down and that's quite nice okay and there was like a sort of boxing ring like in the middle kind of looked like a boxing ring like a sort of stage platform oh lovely give me a little cabaret night lovely very low lighting yeah like very sort of dark and husky and sort of you know velvets and reds and you know that kind of vibe and then someone anyone fancy a drink oh yes please fancy a drink everyone sitting there quite prim and proper and then this woman walks over to us butt naked right absolutely butt naked would you like a drink yes we would like a drink it then transpired over the course of the next I think we lasted an hour in there because then we didn't want to feel rude by leaving because we're all British and that's what British people do you're never going to see these people again what then transpired is we had gone to a hardcore porn club I think this is why I went to it where it was proper brasses and we what was even I don't know trace this back let's just say two of my team members really thoroughly embraced it and when they came over I remember this lady coming over to me she was butt naked very beautiful and I remember she stood right next like right in front of my face and I could and I could see the I could see the sort of there was sort of glistening vag right glistening vag and she's you know wet vag wet vag she probably put leave on it she was like do you want you know do you want to dance you know and i was like i'm fine thank you very much and i'm sitting next to my fucking pr who i've only met two days ago and i've got a woman's vag in my face not gonna lie if i wasn't like i probably said yes um and then so i was like no i'm fine thank you well look around there and old bob and john they're getting right stuck in with their oh yeah vagus in faces off we go and at this point yeah and this point we were like oh my god we go what are we doing then the pr shitting herself going nobody can know i've taken my clients to this place then the show starts oh 20 butt naked like jamaican mummen women yeah writhing and gyrating in the in the thing and obviously then the clientele come in and they are they are there for they're there for a show they're there for some action so if you can imagine it just reminded me because we were sitting around on this little bonkette with our rum and cokes got two of my Truly embracing Jamaican life.
11:03Anna Williamson:And we've then in front of us got a full-on sex show going on in front of us with everybody getting stuck in. We've never felt more awkward in our lives. We all went home, we all went to bed, we woke up in the morning, we all had breakfast and we all agreed that this was never going to be spoken about again. Except now to one and a half million people. So if you are listening to this, anyone that was on that trip... Oh, we had a good trip, didn't we? Oh! John and Bob did. John and Bob. I doubt Imo's got something more interesting for us. I don't. But shall we find out? Yeah, why not? It's time for...
11:40Did you know with Imo? Did you know... This is so shit. Approximately 24 million pumpkins are sold in the UK each year for Halloween. Is that it? I didn't know that. Yeah. That is actually quite a lot. It's a lot. But do you know what I worry about? Well, it bothers me. worry about the wastage no because don't people if you haven't painted them and stuff you can put them in woodlands for the animals that's what they say can you leave them in the woods for the animals to eat I didn't know that but you can't do that if they've got paint in them or wax in them and stuff but yeah you can go and you leave the pumpkins for the wild animals to eat
12:20Anna Williamson:oh that is a good idea because I said to my Ed who owns a celebrity farm shop I mean I went in there like yesterday and they've just got thousands and thousands of pumpkins and I'm like you're not going to sell all these? Like, what are you going to do with all these pumpkins? And I'm going to, maybe he knows that. Yeah, he would know. Yeah, he would make them into soup or pie or... Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie. I'm going to throw it out there. I don't like pumpkin pie. Well, I make the best pumpkin pie. Do you? I should have made it for you. You should have made it. You do cinnamon and stuff in it, don't you?
12:48I make a really good pumpkin pie.
12:50Anna Williamson:You're not liking it, Bex? No, she doesn't like it. Well, you don't like the softness. Just a bit... Oh, I like pumpkin pie. You like it. I'll give it a try. You're a very good cook. Well, I haven't made it for you, so go fuck yourselves. Right, let's crack on with some messages. We've got a quickie from Anon. So, Jenna Talia. That wasn't me. Oh, sad, mate. She wasn't being smug. You could tell because she wasn't as excited. Jenna Talia says, Hi, Luanamo, I've just listened to the latest pod where you were speaking about a lady charging her husband for household jobs. I just wanted to let you know that if I'm not in the mood and my hubby wants a BJ, I charge him 20 quid.
13:31I've probably made a couple of hundred over the years. It's a win-win situation all round. Please keep me a nun. Call me genitalia. I'm so here for this right now. Wow.
13:40Anna Williamson:Monetising sexually. I charge more than that. What, for a BJ? 20 quid's not a lot. Yeah, 50 quid. At least. Depends. There's different tiers. Yeah. Cum in mouth. Yeah. Swallow cum. Cum on tits. Cum in face. If it gets in your hair, that'll be more. you'd have to pay tax on the clean up charge yeah clean tax I did float charging how did this go with your marriage she was into it yeah she said she'd pay me to put her clothes away and stuff how much we haven't got to rates yet we should have spent while the iron was hot she's got a good job as well she can afford it then I thought I undersold my charge you've undersold yourself Imogen.
14:27Anna Williamson:Can we start high? Maybe we'll do 20 quid. For what's this? Putting clothes away? For putting a load of washing away. Well, no, it's how big is, how do you quantify a load? That's a good point, Lou. Maybe do 50p an item. Yes. Oh, including pants. Including pants. Yeah. 50p an item. Yeah. Right, so this week you've got to go back. Yeah. Yeah. And start doing this. I will. And then I'm just going to add on other extra charges for things I do. I should. I pay my children to do, some jobs they're expected to do, because that's just living in a family. I pay my kids. But I do pay my children to do jobs that I don't want to do.
15:04Anna Williamson:Like what? Like putting washing away, actually, because, like, my washing. What, they do a good job? Yeah. Well, I don't even care if they don't. I like them genuinely. I will not have lazy children. Like, they know how to stack a dishwasher properly now. Yeah, mine do that. It's really important to do it. Mine get that a pound. Yeah, a pound. Yeah, we have a little chart. and then I forget to pay him and then it all goes to Ratchelor. Oh, I don't. I just do it on the old GoHenry. Oh, yeah, you've got your free. They make sure. Haven't you got that for your kids? No, Enza keeps asking. It's so good.
15:32Is it worth it? It's so easy to sign up. I'll refer you. You'll get£10 free.
15:36Anna Williamson:Actually, can you? He keeps asking. Right, message from Katrin next. Oh, she missed out on the sex name. General name. Hi, lovely Luanamo. I'm writing in response to your request for grand gesture stories. And okay, this one might not be in the Hollywood sense, but in modern times, I think it absolutely counts. So my boyfriend and I were long distance for the first two and a half years of our relationship. He was in Birmingham and I was up in North Wales. He used to constantly take the mick out of me for how much I loved fairy lights and candles. I love a fairy light and candle. It's cute, yeah.
16:08Anna Williamson:Anyway, one weekend I was travelling down to see him on the train. I got off at New Street expecting to see him waiting there. But he wasn't in his usual spot. So I kept walking and then I noticed a bit of a crowd gathered, all looking in the same direction. Oh! Oh. Oh. And there he was. Wrapped head to toe in fairy lights, like a very handsome Christmas tree. That's really cute. She's so sweet. I was completely smitten and also absolutely mortified. I mean, it's like cute and ick, isn't it? It's like something from an American rom-com. It is. When I finally got to him and said, you can turn them off now, he just grinned and said, yes, you can.
16:53Anna Williamson:Yes, you can. The switch is in my pants. Ten years later, we're married with two kids. And honestly, it's still up there as one of the most romantic and ridiculous gestures I've ever experienced. I think it's cute. I think that is so sweet. It's tapping into all about her. It's so thoughtful. Keeping Brilliant Girls of Katrin, a.k.a. the, oh, here we go, Wee on Sun's Foot, Giving Myself Jellyfish Vagina Lady from Hlan Fershan. Thank you, Babs. Right, I've got another message from Beth. She says, hi, Luanamo. New listener, but I am loving the podcast. Welcome, Beth. Welcome to The Fold. I love how relaxed and funny you all are.
17:35Thanks, Beth. You always make me chuckle in the car. I'm hoping you'll be able to give me some advice about my current relationship. All right, go on. Some background info. I was in a seven-year domestically abusive cheating relationship, which I finally managed to escape with the help of the police who were amazing. Well done. I was with my ex from the age of 17, so my early adult life was a rocky start. I was then single for two years to focus on myself and to then be the best person I could be for someone new. I met my current boyfriend two years ago and he is honestly the polar opposite of my ex and I'm forever grateful he came into my life.
18:11Obviously, being in a mentally damaged relationship, it does come with some baggage. I struggle to fully trust anyone and I'm always doubting if I'm enough, if there's someone better out there for him. I've been very open about my past him and he asks questions occasionally. And I'm happy to talk about it. I want to be as open as I can so he can understand why I am who I am now. We've lived together for about 10 months and it's going well, but we are having some issues. I try to make sure that I keep myself fit and healthy by going to the gym and playing netball. Fellow netball enthusiast in my own business.
18:44But I can't help but constantly feel like I'm too fat or not pretty enough for my boyfriend. He has told me once that I started to let myself go. And since then, it's all I can hear in my head when I'm thinking I'd love to just watch a film instead or have a bar of chocolate. When it comes to having sex, I have a higher sex drive than he does. But sometimes it can nearly be two weeks of me asking for it before it happens. I've spoken to him many times about how I just want that reassurance that I am enough and he does find me sexy but we always seem to be back to where we started I've said that I don't want to ask to have sex and I've tried to initiate it but he says it turns him on more when he takes the lead so I just have to sit and wait now I'm currently writing this from the spare room after being rejected again and I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough we have the same conversations and I'm always putting him first but I feel like my feelings are forgotten about he's assured me he does find me attractive and he does love me and he wants a future but his actions don't say the same am I overthinking everything or is there genuinely something wrong I really want this relationship to work as he does genuinely make me happy and I love him with all my heart but I just want but I just want me to be enough thank you for your help and you can use my real name beth i've attached a picture of us too so you can put a face to the story oh cute beth beth is very beautiful beth i think i saw a flag go up in anna's brain oh there's flags all over the shop here oh sweetie it's look i think you have what
20:22Anna Williamson:we call an anxious attachment style and i think you're trying to make things fit with him um you shouldn't have to ask for sex there's such a disconnect around this and i hear this more and more at the moment like when and women are different like when it comes to sex you know women do tend to this is not general rule by the way i'm sorry this is a general rule but women tend to want more emotional connection but in your case you're actually wanting that physical connection as well essentially i'm not comfortable with the things that he's projecting on to you um what do you think lou i think that because of your past you're probably a bit more needy well this is the anxious attachment style than he's used to to be honest because um you know like going two weeks without sex is quite normal i think in a relationship where you're both busy you're both working you're living together um but and then obviously you feel like you're then constantly asking and then he probably feels like you're not giving him the chance to initiate because you're asking I don't know I would say that you are overthinking things like him saying to you oh you're letting yourself go like again it depends on the context at that setting because you said he said it once so it doesn't seem like he's constantly saying things like that to try and put you down and where you're a bit oversensitive you could have You might have said something in a certain like JQA or like, oh, what are you eating that chocolate?
21:53Don't let yourself go. Like I don't, you know, there's, you never know within a couple. Like I'll say to like, even my friends, I'll be like, oh, don't eat that moment on the lips. Like, so I think context is important. And if he's only said that once, I think that maybe because your past experiences, you've clutched on to the fact that he said that once. And you are now being like, oh, I've got to go to the gym. I can't eat that chocolate bar. I've got to do netball. I've got it like he just said one passing comment once potentially. That sounds like the only bad thing that he's actually said.
22:21Anna Williamson:I mean, we don't know how regular or frequent that would be. I think essentially at the moment, it sounds like there's a lot of incompatibility around that. And that comes from you having an anxious attachment style because you're being very needy and you're over. You're interpreting everything he is saying. But it sounds like there's a disconnect because he's obviously wanting the thrill of the chase as well. You guys, it comes down. You have to be really honest about what you need. And if you do need more reassurance, that's perfectly fine. And this is the thing. If you are an anxious, it's about relaying that to your partner, what you need, but also for them to understand that and also let them know what they need or what they find too claustrophobic.
22:56Anna Williamson:Babes, I think what you guys need is some serious, real heart to heart conversations. And I would just really recommend you come at it from a first person perspective. And I'm feeling this. What are you feeling? I'm finding that common ground. And to Lou's point about sex, there really is no right or wrong time or amount you have sex. it has to be um mutually okay like sometimes my husband and i go for bloody ages without sex but we will actually check in with each other and go you know i know we haven't had it off for a while i'm just checking you're okay yeah i'm fine i'm naked great it doesn't like so i it's about mutuality on this there is a disconnect you're not happy um i do think you yeah i think you need to be a little more honest with him um and i would hope he's a little more um uh forthcoming with actually accepting how you're feeling because yeah you do you are carrying baggage it's just it's just it's just the way it is but if he wants to really you know truly love you and take this relationship forward i do think there's an element of him having to uh help you help understand that yeah it's a tricky one good luck good luck babes um message from anonymous so claudia wrinkleming
24:01there you go you know when him's made one out because she dies laughing she's just came up
24:07Anna Williamson:with that last night. Just how good do you feel about yourself right now? Really good. Yeah, really good. I'm pleased for you. Dear Luanimo, love the pod and are they jazz? I was listening to last week's pod with the listener resorting to the forest. Oh, this was so good. Resorting to the forest to escape her boyfriend's mother catching them shagging. And whilst howling with laughter at the tail, I was reminded of the horror of losing my virginity, which I thought probably deserved its first public airing. Yes, please. Oh, you've come to the right name. Give me a porn name, please, if you read this out as I can't afford to be identified at work with this one.
24:39Anna Williamson:So, bottle up and settle in for mortified embarrassment. It was the 80s, and there I was with the obligatory hair, shoulder pads and tight jeans. I had a lot of boyfriends, but I was a bit of a late starter when it came to sex. The main reason for this was fear. Now, not the fear of teenage pregnancy or an STI, but the fear of my mother finding out I had done the deed. And the wrath of my mother was too much to bear. I'll be honest, my mum's fucking scary and I felt the same. My mum was, and still is, a lovely, kind and generous woman. Ditto. But. But. This is literally my mum. But growing up, she was a fabulous example of a Victorian parent.
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25:17Anna Williamson:Do we have to say mum? Like, this is literally it. Fucking scary, but utterly lovely. She had no qualms about carrying out the threatened punishment if you broke the rules. And yes, I was that child who got their mouth, okay, this didn't happen to me, washed out with soap, palm olive. When they swore. my brother just going to show when he was at school in the early 80s I remember one of the kids in his class actually was forced by the headmistress had his imperial leather bar of soap because he must have said something naughty yeah the teacher actually made him wash his mouth out with soap in the school toilet I just could never get my kids to do that they'd be like fuck off not now exactly but it's different time different time you just didn't but you didn't backchat your head did you you were terrified of your head teacher you just did as you told Times are different now Times are changed Anyway back to the topic at hand I was 18 and due to go to university in the autumn And I was adamant that I wasn't going without that first time Oh yeah you've got to have done the deed by then This is it And whilst most people want their first time to be a little romantic I was going to take a more practical approach I can honestly say most people's is not romantic their first time Mine definitely wasn't Now I wasn't just going to shag the first person who offered at that point I had a boyfriend and decided he would be suitable for the task at hand.
26:37Anna Williamson:He was a year older and at uni nearby to where I lived and we were part of a friendship group with his friends and my school friends. And being uni students, they had regular Saturday night parties. So I arranged to stay at my friend's house to avoid my mum's spidey sense. Spidey sense. And told my boyfriend Saturday was the night we were going to have sex. We're going to, this is it. This is it. Diarised, it's in. This is like American pub. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. Yeah, in the prom night. You're at the prom night? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need to watch American Pie. Oh, isn't that a belter?
27:07I love that.
27:08Anna Williamson:Up there in the top five, I reckon, best films. He was impressed with my forward planning, but mentioned that he was definitely up for it, so he might be feeling a little bit under the weather, as he was having his wisdom tooth out earlier in the week. That's unfortunate, isn't it? Saturday night arrived. Spent ages getting ready, so if I say so myself, I was looking hot, or as hot as anyone looked in the late 80s. boyfriend appeared fine after his wisdom tooth extraction he was having a few pints and I was knocking back the perno and black oh god those were the days to ensure a pain free cherry popping after socialising a while we headed off to his bedroom and locked the door we then got down to business nothing untoward occurring at that point and we were building up to the climax but I noticed he was looking a bit out of it and was slurring his words of excitement Thinking this was quite normal as a first-timer, I didn't say anything and he shot his load.
28:03Anna Williamson:Oh, wow. And promptly collapsed on top of me. Now, when I say collapsed, not with satisfied exhaustion, but it turns out a cocktail of painkiller drugs and Stella. So there I am, under a dead weight of boyfriend, his cock still inside me. And I was completely helpless. We all know that little softening. I couldn't move him. I couldn't get out from under him. And I couldn't shout for my friends as I wouldn't have been heard through the indie tracks blasting at full volume.
28:40Anna Williamson:So I lay there for about two effing hours. He, still in a drug-lager-induced coma, me squashed, cold, full of jizz. Full of jizz and a shrinking Johnny. then you'd be worrying about the shrinking johnny do you know what i mean yeah it's gonna get in exactly that johnny might get stuck you gotta whip that thing off straight away after two hours my friend started looking for me two hours knocking on the bedroom door but they couldn't get in due to the previously locked previously locked the door to avoid drunks and voyeurs and i can't get out there was no spare key and even if there had been one they couldn't use it as we'd left the key in the lock.
29:23Anna Williamson:My friend was concerned that her mum would be on the warpath if we didn't get home soon and I was petrified that I was going to be there for the entire bastard night. Fast forward another hour and he stirred, starting to move a little and what the actual F girls? I saw my chance and I went with the motion, managing to slide off his now shriveled knob down the bed and rolling onto the floor in a move straight out of the Sweeney. I grabbed what clothes I could find amongst the coats and I ran out of there as quickly as I could. Needless to say, the humiliation of 18-year-old me meant that I couldn't face my boyfriend after that night of horror.
30:00Anna Williamson:Oh no! And I dumped him the following day. Ah! I went off to uni determined that my next foray into sex would be a little less hideous and it was. But to this day, when the girls chat conversations turned to our first time sex, I just can't bring myself to tell the humiliating tale as it was. I just say it was uneventful when nothing could be further. from the truth. It's a belter, babe. Love listening to you on the pod. You really do brighten up my week twice. Love anon. Oh, that's so good. Oh, bless you. You've got to share that with your mates. It's a good one. Over some champagne. Wear it proudly.
30:35Anna Williamson:Wear it proudly. Remember, if you want to get in touch, you can email us, Luanna, at everythingluanna.com. You can also drop us a WhatsApp on 07745 266 947.
30:50Anna Williamson:Now, newsy bits. This has been doing the rounds very much over the last couple of weeks. In fact, I've also supported this on the NSPCC. I haven't seen this. I'm an ambassador for Childline at NSPCC. It's all about smacking children. Now, Alan Shearer and Michael Caine have joined calls for the Prime Minister to ban smacking. Now, there were actually thousands of celebs and other people of note that also have been campaigning against this, me included. Former England footballer Alan Shearer and, of course, Michael Caine, They've joined calls for the Prime Minister to ban smacking. Now, England is the only part of the UK that hasn't banned it, just as an FYI.
31:27Anna Williamson:Oh, really? Okay. So they've signed a letter to Sakhir, which Downing Street have received, and it urges them to be brave and lead with courage and compassion to end the damaging and harmful practice. You'll have seen lots of this on the telly over the last couple of weeks. Smacking was made illegal in Wales. That's right, yeah. In 2022 and in Scotland in 2020. That's right. But in England, the Children's Act allows for smacking in cases where it is a reasonable punishment. How do you quantify reasonable? Exactly, no, exactly. Now, the letter coordinated, like I say, NSPCC, big up. I am one of their ambassadors.
32:01Anna Williamson:Backed by Barnardo's and the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, describes it as an outdated and damaging defence, which has no place in modern life. Its signatories want to ban for it to be legislated through an amendment for the Children's Wellbeing and Schools Bill, which is currently going through Parliament. so yeah lots of people have been signing it many other countries around the world including Wales and Scotland like I say have already changed the law to ensure children have the same protection from being hit as adults well this is it and I think the only thing I will say is state the countries in and the amount of lack of discipline that kids have like do you want to introduce I don't know I know what you're saying about discipline I think there is I think that's a fine line and very important.
32:48Anna Williamson:You're absolutely right to raise it because discipline and boundaries, I think, has never been needed more than it's needed now. I just feel like the country's going to part and kids are running amok. However. Teachers suffer so much in schools. There's no respect. But smacking, I think, when we're trying to teach children, and as we know now, let's say if you turn around and hit me now, that is an offence. Yeah. So I think that has to absolutely be parity. But it is. You know, you don't go to a workplace. You can't, you know, disagree with somebody and then smack them. Yeah, so why should you be able to smack children?
33:18Anna Williamson:And I do agree. And I also agree, you know, adults, you know, have a much more physical force. I think teaching your children by physical punishment. It doesn't work. It is outdated. It's outdated. I mean, I got smacked when I was younger. Did you get smacked, Emma? We were all part of a smacking generation. You know what? I'm also not going to chastise my parents for smacking us because that was... I think I'm all right, even though I got smacked. Well, I don't carry any scars from being smacked either. that I didn't get smacked often, but if I'd been really bad or if, you know, we'd been dangerous or something, we got smack on the arse.
33:50Anna Williamson:But I also think, I don't think there's any point in pointing the fingers at old age, you know, like my dad got the cane at school. Yeah. Obviously we're not going to give the cane. But in the time and in the moment, those were things that would de - You know, people smoked fags when they were pregnant and were told that it was good for you, you know. But we've learned. But we've learned. And this is it. And I think as we evolve and research comes up and we look at the psychological impact, we change. I do think we're quite soft though. I mean, I'm not for like smacking. And I do think that, you know, I've probably smacked mine like once and then felt awful for it.
34:22But I think that you only do that when you've lost control in that moment, which isn't a good place to be as a parent. I'm really honest if you just say that. So I think that, you know, when you lose and that's not good, it's not good to show your kids that. And there are other much more effective ways to discipline your children. Right, right. But I do think that discipline is a big thing that we now lack in parenting. And I think that we're all for all this soft parenting. And equally, I don't think that works either because I think kids are running amok. And I think that they have this entitled attitude.
34:57And that feeds through like into the schools where, you know, you've got kids just.
35:02Anna Williamson:Well, like we were just saying about, I mean, obviously, again, like I say, early 80s, a kid at my primary school got his mouth washed out. So obviously that's not okay. But there was also a different level of respect for your elders. And I think the challenge that we're all having in society now is, as you say, the importance of boundaries and discipline. And you know what I am? This is probably going to throw me some heat my way on this one. But I'm very, very, just the work I do. It's the parents have to step up. Parents are, I think, put too much responsibility on teachers and caregivers to do the job that they should be doing.
35:40Anna Williamson:And it's fucking hard. It's horrible and hard to be unpopular with your children when they're screaming in your face, as I have had recently, with the ruddy constant to and fro around, you know, can I have a phone? Can I play Roblox? All these kind of things. It's really unpopular for my children. Can I say? I know you haven't got the iPad thing. I've had none of that. No iPad. It's been the best thing I ever did. But it's hard. but it takes it's tiring when you are at the end of your tether of a day anyway and when your kids are thrown back and you're going you're fucking like you know I've been told many times you know you're the worst mum in the world you know you're the only mum that doesn't let me you know that's bullshit but Lou but like you and I we're too long in this game we're very I think very disciplinary and parents boundary parents but our children know when to push it and when not to push it and I do think that yeah you do have to be unpopular as a parent you should not be your kid's friend you need to be their parent and also you need to be present with your children to teach them discipline hard I just think now that the way the world's evolved in like everybody works you know mum and dad which is which work and it's tiring you know it's tiring it is tiring and you do just want to switch off and check out and then the kids are demanding and you're exhausted and you feel guilty so you say yes so much more I think now to life than there used to be like I mean my My mum always worked.
36:57But, you know, most of actually, my mum was one of the only mums that worked when I went to school. Most of them didn't. And I think that when it is then your only job to be, that's your job, you're a housewife and that. But when you're trying to work and cook and do kids and juggle school runs and the clubs and the endless, you know, our thing at the weekend, we'd just go to Bloody Safeway on a Saturday, do the weekly shop. That was your big trip. On a Sunday, we might pop to Argos or go to the garden centre. And that was it for the weekend. Yeah. We wouldn't eat out. No. No, no one ate out. We'd have a Friday night takeaway.
37:33Once a month. An Indian. Yeah. And that would be it. But now it's like you're always eating out with your kids. You've got to take them to bloody Ninja Warrior or Jump Street or, you know, all these places. Endless parties every weekend. There's never any downtime for parents, which is exhausting. Anyway, we've really digressed. But anyway. We have. We are for that. We are, but I do think that... But I think we recognise it's tough parenting,
37:58Anna Williamson:but we do have to parent. Still parent. We simply have to parent. We have to. We have to. This is very interesting. So Kim Kardashian has launched underwear with fake pubes, basically. So she did the bras with the nipples, which I wasn't 100 % sure about. But now she's got these micro thongs available in red, blonde and brunette colourways with straight and curly hair. So basically, she's... Why? Is there a picture of it? There is, yeah. The most daring panty yet. We got bush panties. Oh. I mean, is this a joke? Is this a Halloween? No, this has to be a joke. It's got to be a joke. It's like a flesh-coloured, tiny microthong with a massive bush on it.
38:47Look at the ginger one. That's so fake red. This is basically a piece of cheese wire. Ginger Persian has skin that dark as well.
38:55Anna Williamson:That should have been on more pale. This is a piece of cheese wire with basically a bog brush attached to it. I mean, this is surely not going to take on. I'm not going to put on X. I'm not going to put... Skims is slowly becoming a social experiment. She's running out of things to sell us. I mean, would we... I mean, do we know how much one of these costs? We would wear these, though, for our Murder on the Dance Floor when we do it naked. To be fair, there's a market for that. I think we invented this before, Kim. Yeah, Kim. Yeah. We invented the pubes on pants. Wow. Skims, pubes, pants. But how much is a skims, pubes, pants?
39:32Anna Williamson:That could be your Christmas present. Kim can't be serious. Kim's done. She's lost her mind with them new underwear. The thing is, though, I suppose when you're Kim Kardashian now, you've got so much money. I would do this as a social experiment. I would. Just to see what kind of power my influence has. I'd be like, let's see. Can I create these ridiculous bush panties? Will they actually sell to these stupid people that follow everything I do? And if I convert 1 % of my following, that still equates to 1.5 million seconds. Go on, Emma. How much are these pants? This is your Christmas present.
40:11Here we bloody go. Go on. You can't. Kim Kardashian roasted for insane new skims pubic hair thong. available in 12 colours for just$32. What a bargain. That's it. Well, I would love to know the sales on those. Very weird. Good luck to you, Kim Kardashian. Good luck. Right, it's now time for...
40:33Anna Williamson:It's the Widow of the Wehiga. Right, Jessica. Oh, Bex. Hi, Luani Mech. Oh, look how happy she is. Going up in the world. So, I love sitting on the floor Always have My favourite thing to do is Eat my dinner, plate on my knees Sit on the kitchen floor Back against the cupboards It's so comforting and cosy Weird That does not sound comforting or cosy It sounds very uncomfortable I love sitting on the floor I like sitting on the floor But not in the kitchen With your back against the cupboard I like sitting on the lounge floor Yeah, the lounge floor With your back against the sofa Were you repressed in your former life, my love?
41:10Anna Williamson:I would do that Would you? Right Right, Anon, so this person's anoreaction. Oh, no. Anorection.
41:21Anorection. Hello, girls. Hope you're all well. Thank you. This isn't something I often do, but it's something I've done a few times. And when I told my other half, he looked at me like he was about to get me admitted to a psych ward. About two years ago, I went to meet a mate in town, but I was early and she ended up over an hour late. So I had time to kill. So I... I pretended I was an MI5 agent or like a private investigator or something I picked a randomer on the street and followed them stealthily like James Bond I followed this woman around London for about an hour in and out of shops grabbing a coffee even on the tube until my mate called and she said she was nearly with me since then every time that I have got time to kill I do this and it's great fun this sounds really fun it actually does sound quite fun That's really good.
42:12Way to entertain yourself. Isn't that a good idea? I wish I had an L.
42:15Anna Williamson:I don't think you're weird. I think you've just invented our new hobby. What, stalking? Yes. But, like, legally. Well, I don't think that's legal stalking. So then the weirdo, what was the first one again? Oh, sitting on the kitchen floor. Imo's here for it. No, I'd say that's weirdo. Because sometimes I do like to pretend I am in MI5. Like, if I'm on a train. Yeah. I'd be like... I like to do, like... And I like taking note of everything like that. Like she's in a baseball cap brown. What does she do? He's wearing this. What's he doing? Is he sketchy? Because then I think if there's a murder, I'm going to need to give an account of all of this.
42:52Yeah. If I've ever heard like a big loud scream or something, always note the time. Always.
42:56Anna Williamson:Yeah. Always. And where, yeah, exactly. So she's not weird. She's taken it one step too far. Yeah. Perhaps don't follow people. But do you ever get, another thing I do as well, you know when you're driving, like driving or in the passenger seat looking out and then you're seeing people's houses, I always start to think about who they are what they do for a job what it's like living in that particular house and I really put myself in that moment it's weird we're all a bit weird too I vote kitchen floor girl kitchen floor girl fine Claudia's saying fine right it's time for the rant of the week if there is one in the bank or are you feeling a bit Halloween spooky anything that's pissed you off this week Lou?
43:37Anna Williamson:Nothing's really pissed me off. You seem quite perky, actually. A perky puss. I'm quite perky. I'm a very perky puss this week. You are. No, nothing's pissed me off. Sorry, guys. I know you love my rants. Anything pissed you off, Fims? How's that car doing outside your mouth? Still there. Guys, you still haven't taken off me, aren't you? I do have one thing to say. Oh. Just from when I was scripting this podcast. People, voice notes. Now, if you're going to record a voice note, can we please do it properly? Oh. I can't deal with it. What's the etiquette, please, Emma? Record it into the fucking microphone.
44:18Anna Williamson:As opposed to? Don't record a voice note using AirPods, the mic shite. Don't use it. The amount of people who are clearly connected on Bluetooth to their car and they're just like, all you can hear is car noise. I can tell the voice note that's going to be good from the first second because I can read the old... If it looks like... You know when you send a voice note and you see that little picture, the wave form? If that looks like a flat line, you can't fucking hear it. Which means you're not going to put them in the pod. I also don't understand how these people don't listen back. Anyway, just do it properly, please.
44:55Thank you very much. Well, there you go. Imo's Rant of the Week. Well, that is it for this week's Luanna the podcast but don't worry we will be here every Monday but of course you lovely fans you don't have to wait until then on Thursday we do have Luanna totally extra and we need you our wonderfully fanies we do please send your emails in Luanna at everythingluanna.com hop onto us and send us a voice note into the mic please don't use bluetooth or use air force because it really annoys emo because they might be really juicy but we can't use them our number is 07745 5266 947.
45:34Anna Williamson:Very important housekeeping. Listen up, peeps. Make sure you are following the podcast. Follow, follow, follow. Press it now if you're not. Tell someone else about us and get them to listen, please. We would really love a five-star review if you've got a couple of minutes. And we'll see you Thursday. Bye for now. Ma!
From the publisher
BE WARNED: It's LuAnna, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it.
On this week’s LuAnna: The Podcast: It's Halloween week! - So we've dressed up, and that's about as far as we go. We get Anna's Jamaica sex club story, a fact about pumpkins and a story about losing your virginity that's not one to forget.
Plus, Kim Kardashians pube wigs, the child smacking ban and Imo has a rant.
Remember, if you want to get in touch you can: Email us at luanna@everythingluanna.com OR drop us a WhatsApp on 07745 266947
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