'We just would like a bit more context around Karen shoving the glass up her a***'

19:57Anna Williamson:Someone's moved my traffic cone, right? No, it's not. I've put it on my village spotted to say give me my traffic cone back, thank you. It's there for a reason. Thank you very much. Yes, yes Becca I have. So I would quite like someone from my village to grass up. I know who you are but come and grass them up to me who's nicked me traffic cone. Who has it then? There will be a reward. You know you're just going to take it back. Have a traffic cone war. Lou, it's on. You're going to take it back? Yeah. And I would like a reward. Where did you get the traffic cone from, Anna? I bought my traffic cones.

20:30No, you didn't. I did. Why would you buy them when you can just rob them from the side of the street? Because I am an honest... You didn't buy them. I did. You bought them. But there's so many on the road. I couldn't find a traffic cone. Oh, I could find you. I've robbed so many traffic cones in my time. No, I bought some... They're quite heavy. Yeah, I bought some sand-weighted ones. Yeah. Sand-weighted traffic cones. Why would you buy them? Because I didn't rob any. Well, I just drive along, and then if I think, oh, I need a traffic cone, I just pull over and take it and put it in my car. Casual robbing from Lou.

21:02No, I... Well, there's so many. They discard loads of them. Well, I...

21:06Anna Williamson:Mine got removed, so I bought some. I am quite impressed. Thank you, babes. But someone's robbed my traffic cones. They're private property. I've bought those. Why do... Do you want me to get my cricket machine and put Anna's cone? If you wouldn't mind, actually. On them, so they're not robbed. Yes, please. And I could do it with permanent vinyl. Yes, please. I'd quite like that. I could actually even do a design. Yeah, I would quite like that. They're protecting my property from farm traffic at the moment. I could do a finger. Yes, please. And then, or put your house name on it. These belong to here.

21:36Or Anna's cone. Actually, no, the house name. Fuck off my cone.

21:40Anna Williamson:Yeah, fuck off my cone would be quite good. Mind you, you don't want kids in the village doing that. That's true. But hands off me cones. All right? Yeah. There you go. Grass is all welcome. I cannot believe that you bought, I mean, I guess there is a business for that. Of course there is. I've always just robbed them. Guess how much four traffic cones, four high quality weighted traffic cones cost me. How much? £64. Oh, that's cheaper than I thought. No. What are you laughing at, Bex? That's quite cheap. Karen is such a... It's the most Karen thing I've ever heard. Bex is calling Anna Karen. Well, bringing my traffic cones back.

22:12Anna Williamson:It was only£64 for four. Yeah, that's why I bought them, though. I didn't rob them. I wanted brand nice new ones as well. I just do get a thrill out of robbing. Well, I don't. I got a thrill out of buying them and then I got really pissed off because someone nicked me cone. Do you want me to rob one for you? Well, I'd quite like me cones back. How many do you need? Four. What? All four of your cones have been taken? No, but I'd just like to get surplus in case someone else has to rob them. So now you're just putting my life at risk being greedy asking me to rob you four. But guess what? I wouldn't grass on you.

22:41Oh, right, anyway, let's move on. I'll get you four cones back. Thanks, Babes. Thanks, Babes. I just drive around in my car and I just stop. I just put it in the boot. There you go. I thought everybody did that. You know, like if I have a party or an event and I need a cone. I genuinely never crossed my mind. Really? Our brains are very different. They are. Right. Messages now. I've got a message from a non, so Doris. Hi, Luanna and Imo. Please keep me a non. Call me Doris after my nan. I'm a child protection social worker, the least glamorous and what feels like the most hated job in the world.

23:13I disagree.

23:14Anna Williamson:No, I think you're amazing at what you do. Very necessary job. It's the little things that keep me going, including the interesting and sometimes amusing sentences I never thought would leave my mouth. The highlights of this week include... Oh, here we go. So he took his poo out of his trousers and ate it like an apple. Was this before or after lunch? Oh, my gosh. Be honest with me now. Why are there nine dead cats in your freezer? Oh, my gosh. I know divorces can be really upsetting but if Karen wants to shove glass bottles up her anus she's an adult and there is nothing I can do to stop that I'm afraid oh my god that was not her real name by the way oh my gosh this job honestly baffles me sometimes Doris we just would like a bit more context around Karen shoving the glass up her anus because she's getting divorced what was that what was the more guff give us the context I want the guff around that you could please write back in thank you and we don't hate you we commend you for your job it's a very very very difficult job to do brilliant brilliantly worthwhile needed job and very difficult well done you right message oh yeah so many questions message from anonymous so Maureen next hello my lovely Luanimo hi lovely Maureen this is a long shot and I doubt it will make it on the pod but here goes nothing guess what Maureen you've made it you've bloody made it mate if by some miracle it does make it I'm Maureen I've been with my boyfriend for around 10 months my previous serious relationship ended 3 years ago after 7 years together, owning a property holidays, major life events and discussions of marriage and children he one day, completely out of the blue after work, on the sofa whilst watching TV and talking about our upcoming holiday told me that he didn't love me anymore and I lost everything that's so heartbreaking I was broken, both emotionally and mentally now I realise it was the best thing that could have happened and I understand that we just weren't right for each other.

25:11Anna Williamson:I spent the next two years navigating a lot of change and trying to build myself up again. Something I couldn't have done without the support and love of my amazing colleagues, family and friends. And of course, incredible podcasts that had me wheezing and crying whenever I needed that comfort. I now own my own home again. Good for you. Yeah, I have game promotions at work and feel really happy in my independent life. Yes. Well, back to today, I realised that I have developed feelings of love for my current boyfriend. I have realized I have not lost my anxiety and emotional scarring from my previous relationship where I was kept in the dark and practically abandoned without what felt like a care or thought or discussion.

25:47Anna Williamson:Both my boyfriend and I aren't great at communicating our feelings and he has never been in a long-term relationship. We're both in our 30s. Today we had a conversation where I plucked up a courage to say that I have developed strong feelings of love but I'm waiting until he is ready to say these three little words. I should say that his previous relationship ended because he was not ready to say I love you when she was. They argued and then broke up. He told me today that he isn't ready to use the word love. I feel conflicted because straight away my brain goes into overthinking mode. What's wrong with me?

26:19Anna Williamson:Have I done something wrong? Am I annoying to be around? What if he doesn't love me? What if this is a waste of time again? I guess I just don't know if it's normal for someone not to love another after being together for 10 months. I know it's not actually a long time and I'm well aware of that after my previous relationship but it's a long time to be with someone if it's not going anywhere being in my 30s I feel pressure to have my relationship figured out and at least know it has the possibility to provide the future I want my friends are all now pretty much married or having children with their partners they aren't afraid to show their emotions I'm also feeling my own maternal pool and it makes me feel sick to think I could end up in my 40s and childless am I silly for waiting to see if maybe after a year his feelings might have changed or am I just wasting my time again?

26:59Anna Williamson:I love you ladies. Do you know what? I think give it a year and then if he hasn't fallen in love with you after a year. Another year? No, no, it's been 10 months. Give it another two months. I would say after a year of being in a relationship with someone, you would know, especially in your 30s, whether you're going to have a future with them or not. And I do just feel like so many women are in their 30s wasting time on relationships that aren't going anywhere that are never going to be or they do feel like they're going somewhere and then they're like caught off off guard and they're not when actually you are having that maternal pull you do know what you want with regards to children and marriage and if you want that go and bloody get in get it with somebody that wants that too and that feels the same way about you and I I think a year is a good enough chunk of time for someone for two people to get to know each other enough to know what they want in life so that's my opinion on it but I have been engaged both times after only a year in a relationship so what I would say listening to to this message is I think you're obviously carrying a lot of emotional baggage from your previous relationship which is understandable but just to throw into context here love is an action it's a verb it isn't just words it sounds like the words are really important to you and it sounds like you have a lot hinged on that from your previous experience not going well and also now from his experience that hasn't gone well because he didn't say I love you those words my advice to you would be really focus on the action actions like I say speak volumes is he showing you he loves you as it demonstrated is there trust is there transparency is there emotional intimacy all of these things go towards love also intimacy passion and commitment is what makes up love are you emotionally physically intimate passion is it passionate you know do you have shared interest shared passions and commitment are you each other's friends you know do you have trust and loyalty if all of those ingredients you can say yes we have those then that my friend is love and I want to possibly give you a different reframing of how important is just saying I love you to you if someone is showing you because you know what Words are cheap.

29:12Anna Williamson:Anyone can say I love you and not actually mean it. So I would just hang in there and look at the actions and maybe do a little bit more reframing around the words. The thing is, you're in your 30s. You need to have some open communication about what you both want out of life long term. You do, yeah. Because he might be just poddling along and doing all these things that you think you're trying to read into it. Is that action love? Isn't that action love? He's done that. Does that mean he loves me? Does that not? I think you're better off just not beating around the bush and saying, look, give it another couple of months.

29:44We've been in this for a year now. Where do you see this going? Because in my future, I see marriage and children. That's something that I would like to achieve before I'm 40. In your 30s now, you have got time to quit this relationship and meet someone that's absolutely committed to you and in love. And you will meet someone else that wants the same things as you. So I do think, although you can try and be cryptic and read into the, and I don't disagree with what you're saying. but you've got to talk about it.

30:13Anna Williamson:You do need to have the clarity in actually where your goals are going hand in hand. You can't second guess every action and whether that, because does that mean for him, like cooking you dinner and making the bed and doing your washing or picking your mum up and, you know, for you that might be like, oh my God, he really loves me. Like he took my mum to X, you know, and he's thinking, oh, it was just a ride. But you're right, but there needs to be the clarity around the life goals as well, exactly where you're heading with it. I think there's like a mix between the two. Someone very, very close to me went through a very similar situation where she was with someone for an extended period of time.

30:48Anna Williamson:They never said that they loved her. The relationship ended up finishing. But like, I get that actions speak really loud, right? But how long do you go on? Like, if he's after two, two and a half years, still displaying these lovely emotions, but saying, I can't say those words. I don't know if I just wouldn't stick around for two and a half years what do what do you do then because you say he hasn't been in a long-term relationship before so maybe because when I was having conversations with the person that went through it I was like maybe he has he doesn't really know in his head what love is everyone has different versions of what love is in their head and he could have like an inflated idea of what being in love is and obviously you're influenced by like movies and and tv and like if your parents have a gorgeous relationship you could be influenced by them and even though you don't see all of your anyone's relationship and so you could be like i have this which i really love and it's or i really like and it's really great but but is it love and he could be like questioning it um so many people do question it well I think but I think it's it's it's how open and communicative you can be within that I mean my point to this is don't hinge everything just on the if he says I love you I don't say I love you by a certain time I wouldn't say that is an indicative of whether this is a loving relationship or not it's so much more nuanced than that to your point this comes into everything intentions what what do you love about me you know it's things like it's it's looking it's it's expanding from that very trauma point they've both got around the I love you so for this particular couple if I was coaching them I'd say take the pressure off those three words look outside the box to see where there is love to ascertain your clarity around do you want to be together what is your life plan and then from that you will hopefully come back together to actually establish to your point Emo what love actually is to you because it is to different people i think i do think after a year you know someone enough to know whether you see your life intentions yes and your future especially when you're in your 30s like less so maybe when you're in your 20s and you know everything's a bit more carefree but by the time you get into your 30s you've seen enough of life to know what the fuck you want out of it and whether that person's giving it or not yeah and she needs to be clear with him to your point I'm just quite cut through but she needs to say but to your point very important look this is what I want the marriage the kids please let me know if this is in your horizon if you don't see me like my character my morals the way like you know how I feel about families and like if you don't see that if that doesn't align with your views on how you'd like to raise a family or if you want to raise a family then that's fine then that's great but just fucking part ways because you're not right for each other exactly because also So in her mind, the way she receives love could be words of affirmation.

33:49Anna Williamson:Exactly. She needs that to feel loved, but she needs to communicate that to him. Exactly. All about clear, concise communication. Exactly. What do you need to feel love to show that expression of love? And if lots of people do struggle with words, some struggle with affection. You know, people do. You know, my Alex isn't very affectionate. He's just not. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, but I've had to figure out a different way that he displays his love. figure that out and that's what I've said but you're right don't let it linger on and on and on and on but you have to have these markers of clarity as you go along.

34:20Anna Williamson:Good luck my lovely I think it is a big one. What is love is a big question. Give it a couple of months babes and then find you're Mr. Right. If you haven't yeah. Because what's the point in wasting time? Your eggs are gonna die. Oh lovely. Well it's true that's what I say to all my friends I'm like you're fucking wasting your time with this dude that won't commit to you that you're hanging in there on it just happened to one of my friends now she's just got to 40 she spent seven years with a guy who then announced oh I don't see that with you anymore right well thanks for fucking telling me well I've just wasted seven years of my life on you and I'm now 40 and by the way might not be able to have kids because you are 40 like I know that I bang on about this and I was lucky I had my children when I was young I always wanted to be young when I had kids But the reality is that people are having to have so much intervention now with fertility because you are born with your eggs from day one when you land on this earth.

35:19Okay, men are luckier than women and they just can reproduce that spunk over and over again. We're not. We're born with these eggs that stay with us. And by the time you get into your, you know, after, what is it, 35, your class is a geriatric mother because your eggs are of lesser quality. Like, it's a really important thing. And I know that people are like, oh, we can have it all. And, you know, I read an article about a woman who's 49 and is just having a baby on her own in The Times this weekend. And that's great if you're one of the lucky ones that can do that. Yeah, but that's not the majority.

35:52The reality is that if you're with some dickwad that's wasting your time and you then hit 40 and you haven't achieved your life goal, you've got to be selfish in life, right? You've got to be selfish. You have to go after what you want. You only get one chance. Yeah, if you know what you want, go and fucking get it. Because otherwise you might then really struggle to have the children that you so wanted in your 30s. And I've said before, haven't I, my relationship prior to Alex.

36:18Anna Williamson:You were lucky having L with no intervention at your age. No, I was 38 when I got pregnant with her. But my previous relationship before Alex, like I said, we had that relationship. And then five years in, he was like, actually, I don't want this. It's heartbreaking. And it was hard, but I am grateful he told me at 32. Do you know what I mean? Not at 42. How your life then so quickly changed. Oh, my God. I married Alex, had first baby in 18 months. Exactly. I mean, wham, bam, thank you, ma 'am. But that does happen. And that happens often to people. So don't feel like you should stick it out because you're going to be left on the shelf.

36:49No. Because you will be fucking left on the shelf if you stick it out for too long. Right, a message from Steve. Sorry, depressing butchery. Well, you know.

36:57Anna Williamson:Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Hi, Luana, Imo, and the ever-expanding Luana crew that keep this crazy heyride of a show going. Hey, gang.

37:34Anna Williamson:A fairly long one, so as Anna would say, strap in. I'd actually say, settle in peeps. You do say strap in as well. But I will say strap in as well. This happened to a friend of a friend. Yeah, right. So I am now officially the third generation to be dining out on this wonderful tale of misadventure and terrible decision making. This series of unfortunate events begins with said friend of a friend spotting a wasp's nest in the tree in his garden, right above the shed in which his motorbike is stored. He has to access the shed somewhat regularly, so a nest full of aggressive little arse-daggered thugs in close proximity is not ideal.

38:09Anna Williamson:Oh, don't I hate wasps. He decides that the nest's nest needs to go. But rather than choosing the rational route of, I should probably call in a professional, he decides that he could probably deal with this situation himself. And so calls out to his wife with the following fateful words. Hey, Lynn, got any hairspray? Hairspray? Can I just say, we have had a wasp's nest removal person come round, and that shit is about as professional as it gets. You do not want to go near those things. Apparently, though, if you get some petrol in like a Tupperware, and you put that up, it gases them. They all drop into it.

38:41Do they? Yeah, and then you can just go like that and swipe it and it goes into the tub and the petrol's good. Well, we get rid of them ourselves here. Do you? Ian puts on a bee outfit. Does he? Yeah, always very good, Ian. He's got outfits for everything as well. He's got the beekeeper outfit to tackle the wasp nest. Then he puts on his diving outfit and he fixes leaks in the lake. I mean, there he is. Always got outfits, our Ian.

39:03Anna Williamson:The ever-growing wardrobe of Ian, the estate manager. Well, anyway, so here we go. With what I can only assume were flashbacks of Ripley's flamethrower alien egg scene from Alias, oh my God, I remember it well, running through his head and no doubt with visions of a decisive flame, induced victory over his winged and weaponised opponents, he has decided that a can of hairspray and a light hair... He's going to spray it and set it on fire. ...will be just the tools to get the job done. Okay. With his weapons of choice in hand and glory on his mind, he steps into the fray. whoosh! Just as planned, a ball of flaming death hits the wasp's nest, immediately setting it ablaze.

39:46Anna Williamson:Victory! Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the way that wasp's nests are constructed, but they are, I do, because they're massive and like this big ball thing, but they are essentially made of wood and foliage that has been chewed to a paste, so it's something akin to papier-mâché. It's very clever. All of ours were carried out. And it's apparently just as flammable. So in this particular case, whilst the main body of the nest was fairly large and bulbous, the piece holding it to the tree really wasn't and very quickly burned through and broke. Now, you will note from earlier that the nest was located directly above his shed, his wooden shed, housing his very expensive and much beloved pride and joy.

40:30Anna Williamson:With its tether to the tree now broken, the thoroughly ignited wasp's nest drops directly onto the shed's wooden roof and rolls out of sight like a smoking bowling ball of doom. Too high and too far out of reach to recover, the nest sets about taking its revenge by setting the roof of the shed-alight. Panic stations! This hasn't gone to plan and now he has a fire to fight in addition to the swarm of very angry wasps who are apparently not best pleased with his efforts. Water. Water is the solution to fire. Frantic cries of, Len, get the hose, get the hose. The garden hose is hastily recovered and connected up as he races towards the shed to unleash a torrent of cooling, fire-quelling water.

41:11Anna Williamson:But the hose is far too short to reach the shed. So instead of quenching the fire, he instead gives the lawn a light spritzing. Great for the grass, not particularly helpful for the problem at hand. The fire is now spreading quickly. So he braves smoke and flames and a swarm of rather angry wasps to recover his precious motorbike out of the shed and wheels it out of harm's way. And also has to concede that the situation is rapidly getting out of hand and caused the fire brigade to come to his rescue. He has quickly turned from brave warrior to damsel in distress. The fire brigade turned up and put the fire out, but not before the shed was completely destroyed.

41:47Anna Williamson:And he had to face the humiliation of explaining how his predicament had come about. Needless to say, he hadn't really thought his plan through very well and now has a burnt-out shed to dispose of, a new shed to buy and construct, a thoroughly singed tree in his garden, nowhere to store his motorbike and to compound his misery, a mob of furious wasps nesting somewhere nearby. On the upside, I have passed this story on to several of my colleagues. Whenever our management come up with yet another harebrained idea that we can all see is going to go disastrously wrong, we simply look at each other and say, got any hairspray keep up the good work frankly your podcast should be funded by the NHS as an aid for mental health man fan Steve Steve what a brilliant story love that do you know it's made me think got any hairspray got any hairspray we had three in our loft which were all redundant ones but we got got a man round to sort them out imagine if we'd taken to it with hairspray and a lighter burnt your house down burnt the bloody granny pad down babes well that would have solved the um renovation issues and stuff wouldn't it and the lifting issues it's a new house Burn that fucker down.

42:51Remember, if you want to get in touch, you can email us, Luana at everythingluana.com. Or you can drop us a WhatsApp on 07745 266 947.

43:02Anna Williamson:Right, newsy bits. We haven't read about this. So let's see what Imo has popped in today's episode. Hello, just jumping in for a quick trigger warning. This next news story does contain descriptions of sexual abuse that some listeners might find distressing. the section lasts about five minutes, four and a half, five minutes until the next ad break so do skip forward if that's not something you want to listen to and please look after yourselves Perverts who live streamed sex attacked on teen girl in a van walks free from court, this sounds awful, pardon me three men, sorry doll, three men who groomed a girl online and later filmed her being sexually abused have apparently avoided prison She's 15 as well She was abused with sickening footage that was posted on social media.

43:50Anna Williamson:This happened at night in Rivington, which is a popular beauty spot in the West Pennine Moors near Bolton. And three men were sentenced for sexual offences against the victim. Liverpool Crown Court, these three men were each allowed to walk free from court after being given suspended sentences. Callum, Heskeith, Thomas Ray and Michael Linford. They pleaded guilty at an earlier hearing. And they pled guilty and they walked free. How? Well, because I'm suspended sentences. Oh, I see. They groomed her. The grooming began in 2018. She was 15 at the time of the grooming, messaged her via social media, asking her to take part in a threesome.

44:29She said no. And then he basically hounded her for weeks, a video call her, and then they got a lift in to meet them, basically. They picked them up in a white van, fed them alcohol, drove there. What the fuck? The police said they drove to Rivington, parked the vehicle. The victim's friend received a phone call and stepped out of the van. And in that moment, when the friend stepped out, they raped her.

44:54Anna Williamson:The statement read, while this was happening, Hesketh recorded the sex acts on his mobile phone, sent them out via a broadcast option on a social media platform with the caption, gang bang out here. The victim heard that Hesketh was talking on his mobile phone and a short while later, three more men arrived on motorbikes and one of them, Thomas Ray, approached the van, removed his penis from his trousers and orally raped the victim. Trigger warning for this one, please, obviously, guys. Obviously, the two... Oh, sorry, afterwards, the two girls got into the rear of the van and the two men, Hesketh and Linford, took them back to Adlington and bought a bottle of wine for them before they drove off.

45:29Anna Williamson:Michael Linford admitted one count of sexual activity with a child under the age of 16 in Rivington in 2018 and he was given an 11-month jail sentence suspended for 12 months. What does that mean? Does that mean he's already been in prison on remand? No. So it means that for 12 months, he can go home, but he's under a set of rules basically given out by the court. So basically he can't do anything naughty. And if he reoffends or does something against the law, he will go to jail for 11 months. But essentially his sentence is being lived out at home. That is. And they've all been given suspended sentences.

46:11How? How?

46:41that we will not tolerate this abhorrent behaviour and we will bring you to justice. We're not fucking really old PC Robert Booth. DC, DC Robert Booth. DC. Well, I mean... That's not really justice, is it? I don't think so at all. Well, because what does that... Well, you're living at home watching EastEnders. That's bad, you can shut someone in your van. Rape them. Rape them, broadcast it, say multiple offences.

47:02Anna Williamson:And then basically live out your sentence watching EastEnders at home and going to bed at 8 o 'clock at night. Yeah. I mean, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. Absolute bullshit. And that's why we have such an issue with rapes not being reported enough and sexual abuse going under the radar. Because what's the fucking point in going through all that heartache, stress, being outed in public like that, if nothing fucking happens? It's terrible. But on that, please do always report anything that has happened to you. Please always do go to the police. It's never your fault. But as you say, this is a really, really upsetting outcome.

47:39Anna Williamson:And we can only hope that better is done by the prosecution service. Sorry, I keep looking at my phone because my daughter is at the gallops with people. I'm worried she's going to fall off. Oh, bless you, Tony. That's why I keep looking at my phone. You're watching on YouTube. That's why. She's not distracted. That's why. Well, she is distracted. I'm trying to make sure she's okay. Sad times had to work instead of go going. Aw. This is funny, I saw this story. So ASOS bans shoppers for too many returns. What? Go on. Do you remember another one of the online band, what was that, Pretty Little Thing or something?

48:17Oh, go on. They banned loads of people's accounts a few months ago because they were returning too much. So what, you buy a haul, send it back. You buy a haul, you send it back. Or you buy multiple sizes, you send it back. ASOS have jumped on this bandwagon now, shut down customer accounts and ban them for returning too many orders. Why? What's the issue with them? Their shopping activity has breached its fair use policy. So basically, ASOS want to maintain their commitment to offering free returns to all customers. But one girl, basically, she's saying she spent at least£100 a month on ASOS and her latest holiday shop costs£500, but she always orders two sizes and returns the one that doesn't fit because ASOS sizing, she's saying, is unpredictable.

48:59and obviously you can't try it on because there's not a shop. So she essentially ends up sending half of her shop back.

49:07Anna Williamson:Well, I do that. Another shopper, Louise Gowry, who's 27 from Glasgow, said she tried to appeal her ban but was told on live chat that the decision was final. ASOS last year began charging£3.95 fee if customers made too many returns and kept less than£40 of their order. So some were irked at the time by the change and said they had no choice but to return the garments says the brand sizing was so unpredictable. But the PR director, Frankie Allen, said that she was... Sorry, nothing to do with her. A PR director. So she was also recently banned and tried to explain to customer services on the company's live chat system that she orders clothes in two sizes and returns the one that doesn't fit.

49:44Anna Williamson:Well, I do this a lot because I'm in between a size 10 and 12. Such robotic comms have changed the way that people view ASOS and alienated a lot of loyal customers, this person said. Interesting. What do we think about... Listen, businesses, from a business perspective, you can't maintain free returns. It costs them so much. So what they'd rather people did is order a size 10 and if that doesn't fit, send it back and order a size 12, for instance, instead of doing these multiple orders. Now I get why people order two sizes. No, because it might fit you. So the return isn't guaranteed. Oh, I see.

50:22I see what you mean. So if it doesn't fit you, I see what you mean. I'm kind between a 10 and a 12. Choose the 10. Order the 10 or order the 12, whatever you may see on, hope for the best. I see. Because the problem is it costs businesses so much. So if we want the likes of the ease of these online businesses and ASOS, they can't maintain that or they charge for every return. I guess what they're trying to say,

50:45Anna Williamson:and I guess just be a little bit more mindful with your ordering when it comes to that. But I've just done a big return after we went on the yacht holiday. But I actually have paid. I don't mind it if they charge me no£3 to send them back because I'd still rather that and get my£89 refund on a dress I didn't wear. Do you know what I mean? And look, three in four returned items of clothing are dumped in landfill or burnt due to processing fees. That's so bad. So they're trying to cut because it's such a loss for them. I mean, that's for me the eco. They're dumping three out of four as well from a business perspective.

51:17They're not reselling that clothing. No, I have more of an issue with that. So I actually don't blame them for doing this because I think we always think about things from the consumer's point of view, from the consumer's point. And actually... If it's environmental, then I support that.

51:29Anna Williamson:Yeah. I think being more mindful, if that is what is happening, then I do support that, actually. So I will be more mindful when I order my clothes. I wonder if I've still got my ASOS account. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun. I'm going to say. I mean, I never return things to Sheen. I just send it to charity. It's not worth it. Yeah, it's like six quid. Yeah. Anyway, right. Well, it's time for... It's the widow of the week Right, first up, anonymous So, Ariadne Ariadne What's the name? Ariadne Okay, lovely Hi, Luana and Emma I have spotted a weirdo of the week out in the wild Oh, here we go I've treated myself to a spa day today Picture this, it's quiet and I'm really enjoying a swim in the tranquil heated pool When a lady joins me She begins the standard slow breaststroke But then I noticed that with every stroke, she's taking a big gulp of water into her mouth, then spitting a telt, gulp, spit, gulp, spit for her entire swim.

52:27Anna Williamson:That is rank. She must have done 25 laps. That's a weird habit. Fucking rank. Fucking weird. That is disgusting. I wouldn't want to get in that pool. Why is she doing that? Why would she want it in her mouth? Aren't you supposed to be breathing in air, not dumping in water? She's got a weird technique. They didn't teach her well at school. Right, we've got another one. Mibar. Maeve. Maeve Spelled M-E-A-B-H Maeve Irish spelling Lovely Isn't it M-E-A-V-E? Yeah but this is the Irish spelling Oh Irish do spell their names weird Like Neve What does this say? Dier Dweet It's pronounced Dier Hwitch Dier Hwitch Oh here we go Felt compelled to say Hello in Irish There you go After all the hellos You've runed off around the world And forgot the best of them The bloody Irish How's it going again?

53:16Anna Williamson:Dier Hwitch Diahwitch Diahwitch There you go Hello in Irish I thought they should run Fech off Hello there Hello there I have a weirdo of the week I really need to know If I'm a total weirdo If I have some sort of Undiagnosed Neurodiverse thing Or if anyone else does this If I touch part of my skin To say scratch it Or rub it Then I have to mirror That feeling On the opposite side Of my body So if I scratch The outside of my ankle On my left leg I then have to scratch The same spot On my right leg I've tried to ignore the impulsive thoughts that are begging me to match the sides up. But it makes me feel out of sorts and I can't ignore it.

53:51It's very annoying when I'm lying in bed. And I have a little itch on my arm, so I scratch it. Then I have to move from my comfortable position to get to my other arm, which is tucked under me. Oh, no. And it's not itchy. It's just they have to have the same scratch. You're making me itch now. My husband thinks I'm a total weirdo, but I don't like the feeling of leaving out one side. Does anyone else do this? Thanks for the last me from Belfast.

54:12Anna Williamson:No, I don't do this. But now you're making me itch. You're itch now. Yeah, now you're making me itch. It's like when someone talks about nits and then you start scratching your old ears. I'm scratching the old titties. Maeve, I think you're a weirder of the week for that one, having to have a symmetrical itch. I've not heard that one. Water woman is weird as well. Oh, yeah, actually, to be fair, that is weird. You're now rubbing your tits. Quite strange. Yeah, it feels quite nice, to be fair. I always go like that, like put my hand down my top. You always touch your boobs. I'm like that on my boobs.

54:40It's like your little... I just cup it.

54:42Anna Williamson:Yeah, your... If I had balls and I was a guy, I'd cup them all the time. They do. I love the feeling of like a nice soft ball. Just walk in and I always see my brothers, just every male that is in my family basically, just hand on crotch. Hand on that. Watching the telly, lovely. Why do men do that? Because it's comfy. I wish I could just have a willy for the day to see what it'll feel like. I think it'll be so weird having that hang outside your body and like the balls, they must stick to their leg or like their gooch and stuff and then the willy gets all sticky. It's not a nicer willy. A nunny is much cleaner.

55:16It just feels like a little mini elephant trunk, doesn't it?

55:18Anna Williamson:Just sort of flapping around your front part. It would just feel weird for us, wouldn't it? I would really want to know. Maybe we should get a strap-on, like dingy-dangly willy. Like a silicone one. Yeah, is it? So we could spend a day. Yeah, like, yeah, is there one you can get? Yeah, you could sort of strap it on. Like, you know, you get those pregnant bellies. Yeah, is there a strap-on willy? You should get, like, a packer. A what? A packer. A packer? A packer. They're what trans men use. Oh! They're almost like, you know, the other week, we had that woman that found the willy in the park. Yes.

55:47Is it like that?

55:47Anna Williamson:I reckon that could be a packer. Oh, that makes sense then. That does make sense. So it looks really realistic. Yes. Maybe we'll look into that. But do they stick it on somehow or do they just rest it there? Rest it in their pants maybe. Could you look into it please? I'll look into it. But if it's just resting in the pants it's not going to be dandy. If you could look into it for next week. We need it attached to us. Thank you both. Yeah. So we can experience. Experience what it's like. If I were a boy I would play with my boy I keep going. I just keep thinking of the chats I have with my boy at the moment.

56:17Anna Williamson:I'm a willy-waving helicopter. Nice. He keeps asking me. I say the same. He's like, mummy, what does it feel like to have a nuni? And I'm like. Nothing. I don't know really. I was like, what does it feel like to have a willy? And he's just like, just normal. And it's like, yeah, we're having these chats a lot now. Anyone that? No, I'm not ranting. No, no ranting this week? Because currently today I'm flying to Spain to go shopping for my 10th wedding anniversary present. 84th horse incoming. That's my me time, bitches. Have a great week. It's August. Can you believe it next week? Wow. It's Christmas.

56:50It's going to be Christmas. Yeah. Soon. We are like two months over the Gucci of the year. I'm trying to get Anna to book to come to Dubai again for New Year. She's not biting at the minute.

56:59Anna Williamson:Well, you know, it's lovely to be invited. You are going to have your new house. Well, it all depends on the Renault. It is nice being in your new house. We'll see. But then you'll be fucking freezing in miserable England. No, I love freezing England. I love English winters. Fucking hate it. I'm a Caesars girl. Get me the hell out. Yeah, you love hot. I love the seasons. I love nothing more than a wood. I don't like wearing five pairs of trousers. Oh, I just love seasons. Because I'm so cold. Like, you can't imagine the cold when it's such nice weather like it's been. But what about a nice roaring fire with your snuggly knits and a glass of red wine?

57:28Anna Williamson:Have you kept your log burner in there? Oh, yeah. I've got three of those bad boys. Oh, you've got three in. We've got those anyway. Oh, you just look at them rid of chimneys. No, all the rustic fires. No, I love nothing more than an autumn. Honestly, autumn's my favorite. I just love seasons. I am nothing without my woodland walks and my trees I just want sun tan half naked right that is it for this week don't worry we will be back on Monday when it will be as I say August but you don't have to wait until then on Thursday we do have Luanna at Toti Extra and we need you our fabulous Leifanians especially over summer because we know all the parents that are now schools have broken up on the holidays it's tough we're all feeling you you can send your emails in Luanna at EverythingLawanna.com You can also send us a voice note or a message.

58:14Our WhatsApp number is 07745 266 947.

58:18Anna Williamson:As Lou says, we are here for your holiday summer goss. Your confessions, your rants, your anecdotes, your stories. Are you on your all-inclusive now for a week and you've got some absolute corkers? Or are you miserable as fuck and can't wait for the second week of September to kick in when they all go back? Let us know. We would love you to follow the podcast if you aren't already. It means that the podcast episodes drop the minute, the minute they are uploaded live and you get it. It's just at the top right-hand corner. Click follow. Do tell someone else about us. Please get them to listen. We would so appreciate a five-star review if you have a few moments.

58:51Anna Williamson:Have a brilliant rest of the week and we'll see you Thursday. Adios. Good luck in the summer holidays. They're now upon us.

59:03This is a Global Player original podcast.