'We're on the road!'

0:00Anna Williamson:Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna. And this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content.

0:39Anna Williamson:But you know you love it. Hello. Hi. This is exciting. This is actually a Luanna first. It is. Probably a podcast first because no other idiots do this. The first and the last. Yeah. But we are recording live in the car. We're on the M4 heading to Bath from the Fun Bus. We're doing our Luanna road trip. Yep. And we've had a great day. We have. So we've decided to... Well, no, we haven't. Imo. Hi, producer Imo. Hi. Imo thought this would be an excellent idea to give you a little taster of what it's like just being with us, Team Luanna, on tour. Taking my shoes off. Take your shoes off then. So, yeah, we've never done this before.

1:20Anna Williamson:We have. We're recording remotely from the... Oh, no, hang on already. Imo's... I've not done anything. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's all gone wrong already. We've had a very busy day. We've had a very busy day. So we are currently on the road. We started in Essex. Carried on in Essex. Carried on in Essex for quite a while. We started in Fingeringhoe, then went to Colchester Zoo, then we went to Ugly Betty's Waxing, then we went to Ralphie's Caff, then we went to Chelsea Football Club. We're currently now heading to crash a Lufanian's Hindu. She doesn't know that we're coming. In Bath. Yeah, and we won't say too much because this week you are going to get five, that is five bloody episodes.

2:04I know. You lucky, lucky devils. That's our normal one today, Monday. We've got a little extra spice for you, Tuesday, Wednesday, which is all the antics from the road. Thursday, we have got our normal Luanna Tote Extra, and Friday, we've got another extra from the road episode for you. It's a lot. It's a lot. They're always asking for more, Luanna.

2:23Anna Williamson:This is what I say, guys. You're always asking. Yes, we are lazy bitches, but not this weekend. Not today, not this weekend. We are bringing you more. We're trailblazing, as we like to, Lou. We laugh in the face of live shows anymore. And we're now just going on little road trips to meet our Lou Fanny. It's been so fun. It's been so good. And listen, we are, as well as recording all of these extra episodes, there's loads of content on our YouTube, so you can actually see all the goings-on that have been happening. our YouTube is at Everything Luanna you'll find us on YouTube so you can watch all our antics watch the fans that we've met along the way and yeah we've had such a good day we have but this for now is a normal Monday episode it is it is isn't it and do you know what I mean I think it's safe to say we are having a really lovely time and producer Imo lovely lovely time you've had the stress of putting this together predominantly yeah so how are you feeling right now This is the most chilled I felt the entire day.

3:24Anna Williamson:She had the right arse ache this morning. Yeah, until we got to Chelsea Football Club. Then she's going to leave. Guys. And then you perked up, didn't you? Well, I feel very... Or was it because Nay was there? I think it's just because... Nah. There were fewer stops then afterwards. Because it's been like, we have to go here, then here, then here, then here. We would just like to say, actually, as well, because obviously, you know, guys, is that we have been asking for weeks and weeks. If anyone, particular shout-outs, wants us to come and see you, lots of places that we've still got planned to go and see.

3:59Anna Williamson:Thank you for everyone being so respondent. We had so many amazing people got in touch. So thanks to everybody that did. We couldn't actually physically go and see everybody, but we have literally, judging by today, we've squeezed in a lot. We've squeezed in a lot. We are doing it. And do you know how nice are our fans? I can't believe it's taken us seven years because, of course, we're so bad. It's our birthday. We're seven years old. This is why we're on the road doing our road trip. We didn't do a tour this year. We basically left it too late and were quite lazy. We're a bit lazy. We have so many good ideas.

4:31We wanted to give back and do something to say hi to our fans. We've never been to a fan's house. We've actually done it. We've used fans' toilets. We've drunk out their mugs.

4:42Anna Williamson:Ate their biscuits. Big thing for me. We've eaten their nuts. We've eaten their biscuits. Now, can we just say, I mean, we'll give you a few little tidbit highlights, which you may have already seen on socials or not but this is fresh in the mind so we did go to Lufanian's house today we bought Mama Hilda with his analytical owl is stepping in as driver Dave because we couldn't afford Dave so we made our drive Dave's thinking well you didn't ask me we just knew Dave we just knew Dave we just knew Dave we just knew that you'd be too expensive I think actually I saw Dave last week I think Dave's away this weekend anyway to be honest he'd be very expensive but Hilda made herself right at home we went straight into Liz's house Lufanian Liz went straight for the nuts she's walking around that gaff Hilda went straight for the nuts.

5:19Yeah, exactly.

5:20Anna Williamson:I mean, Hilda did, yeah. Went straight on in. Lou, may I say just a little tidbit of, I'm sure this has made the socials for the time that Social Media Manager Becks, would you like to say hello? Hello. You've been given a microphone. Congratulations. We don't know yet. It's going to be dripping through throughout the week. Well, may we discuss that, because I think this is important. Is it my fault? It is. It is. It probably would have made socials by now. It would have done. Well, it's not just made socials. Niamh Charles of the Lionesses fame. She has been blessed. Let's just say she took in...

5:51Anna Williamson:Niamh got blessed with a severe nostril assault. So can we just talk about this? I mean, this is where, Lou, I have nothing but absolute respect for you, my friend. Because to be able to fart to the most pungent... In fact, she's taken over your Chernobyl fart now, Emma, officially. She's officially taken the crown. It was. It really was. It was in open air. We were outdoors. It was in open air in Chelsea's training ground. and Zisman dropped such a beat that everybody walked away. Niamh Charles literally crissed on a bike. Everyone just backed away. They didn't leave, Lou. It hung around like a methane cloud.

6:25I think Niamh got a double hit, actually, because she backed away and she was like, oh, and I was like, sorry, I farted. I had to own it. How could I deny it? I mean, the good thing is that Niamh is a Lucanian. And then she went again, oh, it's stard. And I said to her, Niamh, you don't understand. You've been blessed. She has. people like you have you haven't had a true Luanna experience without experiencing the guff the guff of Luanna the guff of Luanna the guff of Luanna I'm going to bottle that shit I'm going to sell it

6:53Anna Williamson:yeah I think honestly I really do I know we're lazy and when we eventually we have got guys so many amazing ideas for when we do do our next live show which will happen at some point by the way and it's going to be amazing but in the meantime we always have these ideas Lou we are giving away guffs for free oh god hang on analytical hours driving Do you know what? It's sunset. You be careful. It's a very dirty windscreen. We've got no stuff in it, have we? We should have bought some. We need to get some washer fluid. I'm paranoid. How have you found today? Social media manager, Bex, how have you found today?

7:23Anna Williamson:Very stressful. Oh, have you? I've been quite a bit. Lots of things. Yeah, you guys have been having a really nice time. We've had to think about a lot of things. A lot of tech. Yes, there's a lot of tech. There's currently a lot of cameras to think about. There's no I in team, is there? Yeah, apart from that, got to run the socials, I've got to run the cameras, work out what everyone's doing. But, you know, it's been fun. It's been great. It's been fun. It's been fun, but great. It has been a really, really fun day. So, anyway. Right, we're doing the pod. So, it is the pod. Usual biz as usual.

7:55Anna Williamson:Usual biz. So, shall we crack on? With, did you know, with M-O, da-da-da-da-da. Right. Did. Is it going to be a road trip fact, I wonder? Is it? Oh, my God. Alex they're all braking he's braking in front are you braking? Yeah, puts on the brake loop. Are you sure that hat should not be there? It looks like it's in your line of sight. My line of sight is beautiful. Alright fine. Just some backseat driving here going on. We're doing a lot of backseat driving but I am quite a nervous passenger. We've got you know children to get back to Al. Do you think we should stop at these services and run in and get washer fluid?

8:34Anna Williamson:I can see fine, we're good. I can see clearly now the rain has gone. Listen to this, it's too good to miss. Oh, no, not in the car. No, silent. Calculating route. My fart activated that. Your fart activated a route. Okay. Did you know? Yeah. Oh, can we turn the sat-nav? Like we said, Lufanians, we are in the fun bar. Why is it saying that? They put the sat-nav on loud. Have you put the sat-nav on the car? No, I didn't touch it. I just took the volumes off now. Okay, great. Like we say, we may never do this again. So, off we go. Sorry, everyone. Did you know that the Pan-American Highway, which stretches from Prudhoe Bay in a...

9:26Anna Williamson:Three quarters of a time. Oh, I'm sorry. What is that? Is it my phone? I think so. Yeah, it's your phone. Yeah, but I don't have any sat-nav. Turn your Wi-Fi off. If you turn your Wi-Fi off, it'll come off. I can turn my Bluetooth off. Yeah, that'll do it. Will it? Yeah. The Wi-Fi won't change. Is my phone still connected? Yeah, I can't disconnect here. Yeah, but I've turned the Bluetooth off. That may be how. I've been on the pod. But why does it keep talking to me? I'm not even running sat-nav on here. Tell me something, Gims. You could have scheduled in a massage on this tour. No, no time. No time.

10:02Yeah, but that could have been part of the plan. Right, I think we can carry on. I've turned my blue two.

10:06Anna Williamson:Okay, did you know that the Pan-American highway stretching from Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, to Ushuaia, Argentina, is the longest road in the world, covering approximately 19 ,000 miles. Alaska to Argentina. Which is 30 ,000 kilometres. Now, that is a road trip. I bet that is a good road trip. That's better than ours, just popping round Essex a few times. Pop round Essex, pop to Bath, pop to Blackpool. Well, that's quite far. We've almost done the length and breadth of the UK. I wonder how many miles we cover. I guess you guys will calculate that for us. They're looking at each other going, absolutely not.

10:41Night fact, emo. Our next road trip will be Alaska to Argentina. I'd quite like to go to both those places. I'm just about to say, actually.

10:48Anna Williamson:Yeah, likewise, actually. Maybe we'll go on holiday. All right, we've got messages. We have. We've got a message in from Ginny. She says, hi, Luanamo. I absolutely love the pod and all that shite. You girls are such a joy to listen to. so thank you so much. Thank you. I wanted to share a funny story of something that happened to me 25 years ago. I was 17 and working for a courier company. As part of working in customer services, we had to spend a day out with a delivery driver. It started off well. I was out with this very nice older man, say maybe in his 60s, and I helped him deliver a few parcels.

11:24It was getting near lunchtime and he asked if I wouldn't mind going back to his house to let his dog out for a quick wee. Now, at this point, I know you may be thinking this sounds dodgy, but it was genuine. He had been talking about his dog, Bob, all morning. All right. So we arrive at his house, and he explains that his dog is blind. So he rings the bell to help him understand it's time for a wee. He's ringing this little bell, but there's no sign of Bob. We went from room to room looking for him, and as we entered the living room... Oh, no. Oh, no. There he was, feet and paws in the air, dead as a fucking dodo.

12:03Oh, that's really sad. Understandably, the man was incredibly distressed, crying, and he was in a state. He picked the dog up and suggested we go to the vets.

12:11Anna Williamson:It's not like spoiling that. I got back in the delivery van, and the man put the dead dog on my lap. My 17-year-old self was horrified at this dead dog, which kept flopping off my lap on the way to the vets. I had no way to the vets. It's not setting. What's the point of taking it to the vets? I see what I mean. It was dribbling all over me. I didn't think it could get any worse, but then this poor man had a terrible nosebleed because he was so stressed. Oh, this is awful. He had to keep stopping the van with the dead dog flopping everywhere. Oh, dear. When we finally got to the vets, they announced, just to confirm, the dog is definitely dead.

12:47It was all very awkward. After this ordeal, the man asked if it was okay if we went to his mum's house to let her know. Oh, good Lord. So ten minutes later, there I am, sitting around a table, drinking tea, comforting this man and his elderly mother. It was the most bizarre day. When I got back to the office, my colleagues all wanted to know how my delivery experience was. They thought it was fucking hilarious. I did even send him a sorry for your lost sympathy card afterwards with my condolences for Bob. Thanks for letting me share this story. No need to keep me honest. I'm Ginny and I'm from Bristol.

13:20Oh, poor Ginny and poor Bob. RIP

13:23Anna Williamson:I mean what a very very odd day a very odd day I wonder what they did with the dog after that did they like go to the vets I think they leave it at the vets to get it cremated that's what he wanted to do with it or took it home I remember my parents brought back one of their dogs that died at one point what the whole dog what did they do with it to bury it there's rules around that You know, you can bury a human in your garden without a special license. Yeah, probably. Right, next one. Message from anonymous, so am I a twat? Love it. Please keep me anon. Really big fan of the show. Thanks, babe.

14:06Anna Williamson:I am in a really difficult situation and I need your advice. Now, as I'm a teacher, I use ChatGPT to help with resources and lesson plans. One day when I was creating some posters, I remembered I'd already done this one. So look to my chat history to bring it back up. To my dismay, I see one of my chats is labelled sexual behaviours. I was ever so concerned as sometimes I use this account at school and could not think what I was searching. When I click onto this chat, it revealed the questions. I think about having sex with other women all the time. Am I wrong for this? I won't feel guilty about cheating as I know I can justify it.

14:45Anna Williamson:I feel like I'm going to miss out if I don't experience another woman. does it make me a bad person if I do the cheating thing? What, on chat GPT? Yeah. Then to my disbelief on another chat, she'd obviously looked at the history, how to find local women to meet up with for discreet casual sex. I remember how I'd given my boyfriend my chat GPT, ooh, as I pay for the premium one for work. He obviously had no idea that it was logged into mine. Oh. Shit, girls. we've been together for 10 years we own a house but I'm absolutely heartbroken I don't know if he has gone and actually cheated but I think these chats are enough to not trust him and if he really has all these thoughts surely we can't keep on with this relationship I'd really appreciate any advice as I'm so torn what to do thank you so much oh this is so well you've got to bring it up yeah you have to you have to get clarity just in case because otherwise you're going to drive yourself insane and I don't think there is unfortunately my love but there might be another reason.

15:49Anna Williamson:I don't, you know, maybe someone else had logged into the chat or not, but you definitely got to ask him. Yeah, because if you don't confront it, this is just going to drive you insane. It'll break your relationship anyway, eventually. You won't trust him. You can't have a relationship without trust. That's really painful, though. What an odd thing to ask ChatGPT. Well, I suppose everyone uses ChatGPT to ask it anything now. And I suppose if it was coming up with resources, to, yeah, give him resources and where else to go. This is really painful. I'm not surprised you feel like shit. It's a horrible thing to see, to read.

16:24Anna Williamson:You need that clarity either way from your boyfriend. But I think be really mindful of what you'll do with the answer. And don't let him as well, like, talk. Justify it. Yeah, justify this. Just be like, I've seen this. I want to know what's going on. You know, we're 10 years into this. We own a house together. Would you like to explain what this is? Explain this. Yeah, I've seen this on my chat TPT login. you're the only other person that's had the jack gpt login you can see where i'm going with this uh what's the situation and then go from there good luck that's a really hard one but i think i think be really um be firm and tackle it head on and don't accept bullshit yeah bless you darling that's really i mean i'm hoping there's another explanation but very odd but yeah explanation though like there is no explanation is there?

17:13Anna Williamson:no other than he I don't know someone else is logged in are her and him unless he's with a group of mates that's what I'm saying unless someone or he gave the login to someone else you just I mean it could happen but I think you do need that clarity I think it's unlikely it's unlikely but you just wait and see what it is oh good luck my love that's really horrible that's really horrible as well really really horrible we've got another message in from Mary she says hey Luanna please use a nana name of Mary as this may come back to me I've been a committed period cup user of about five years now honestly one of the best decisions ever, tampons were always a bit of a nightmare for me and pads well we both know, we all know they're a special kind of awful anyway cut to three months into a new relationship and knee deep in training for my first Ironman I'm absolutely smashing myself on a bike session feeling like an unstoppable beast I finish the workout, jump off the bike and get ready for work, no biggie I've got my period but with the trusty cup in place I don't even blink then I go to empty it you know the drill well I actually don't but she's going to tell us assume the position fingers in and no cup can I just ask sorry Emma you do do this so how do you get it out you go in with your two fingers with your two fingers you like squeeze it a bit to like release the seal how far up is it like with your finger up to your knuckle yeah maybe like the first knuckle yeah the first knuckle because like it creates almost like a seal around your cervix, kind of.

18:40Anna Williamson:So it's almost vacuum cupped on. So you have to squeeze it to release the air a little bit so that you can pull it out. Because otherwise it's just like suctioning. Sucking your cervix. Yeah. You know, like a toilet plunger. Like a Von Toos when they do it on a baby. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Sorry, Lou. Right. So anyway, there's no cup. She says, I squat lower and I dig a little deeper. I found it. Except it has somehow flipped on its side, whether from sleeping or workout, I'll never know. and the little tab at the bottom, completely MIA. Panic starts to rise. I'm in deep, elbow deep. Well, I like it.

19:15And nothing. So naturally, I turn to Google and the suggestion, a spoon. I'm at my new boyfriend's house. He's not home, thank God. I creep to the kitchen, open the drawer. Which spoon? Teaspoon? Dessert spoon? Both? I grab one of each and head back to the bathroom. Then I pause. Which end of the spoon do you even use? I go with the dessert spoon deep breath and I go in the goal create an air pocket to help collapse the cup it's cold it's awkward and I'm questioning all my life's choices and then suddenly pop a little suction noise and bam the cup drops and then boom get it out brilliant relief triumph zero dignity spoon goes straight in the bin a souvenir I did not want and off I trot to work but not before telling my work bestie because let's be honest a story like that deserves an audience hope that makes your day thank you for that story Mary remember guys if you want to get in touch you can email us Luana everythingluana.com or you can drop us a whatsapp on 07745 266 947 right we've had a wee break we've had to stop at a service station I bought some LeBuboos for the kids

20:27Anna Williamson:Lu went for a slash and then basically went on a shopping spree why not why the hell not well I saw LeBuboos and I thought well I've been away I'll get them a treat Get them a treat, babe. Treat yourself. Right, should we carry on with some news stories? Newsy bits. Now, I saw this news story and I was appalled by it. This surgeon has been jailed for amputating his own legs, which is horrific and weird, quite frankly. So this guy is an NHS vascular surgeon. Essentially, he had his own legs removed, and he, though, has been jailed for two years and eight months for insurance fraud and possessing extreme pornography.

21:01So he had his legs chopped off and then claimed on his insurance for having no legs? Basically, yeah.

21:08Anna Williamson:So this happened in Truro and the Truro in Cornwall. And the Crown Court heard that he lied to insurers by claiming that injuries to his legs were the result of sepsis and not self-inflicted. The court also heard that in May 2019, he had baloney amputations after a mysterious illness. But in fact, he had used ice and dry ice to freeze his own legs, so they had to be removed. They heard as well, the court heard that he also admitted to two counts of fraud and three of possessing extreme pornography, and he had a sexual interest in amputation. We've talked about this before, and I've just read on, and it says that he was identified following investigations into Maurice Gustavarsson, who run the Unitmaker website, which is what we've talked about before, when that guy was chopping willies off.

21:57That's right, exactly. So that's how they identified him.

21:59Anna Williamson:People pay to access that level of extreme pornography. And he paid to have, he bought videos, this doctor, from the website for£10.35 showing men willingly having their genitals removed. He exchanged 1 ,500 messages with Gustavuson about his own lower leg amputations and how he had done it, including asking how much dry ice he used. Because that Gustavuson was also jailed. He was. For life. Yes, he was, wasn't he? The lead in this body modification ring. I mean, this has happened on our own doorstep, in Cornwall. In bloody Cornwall. Sleepy little Cornwall. I know. So Hopper had suffered body dysphoria since he was a kid, and his feet were an unwelcome extra, apparently, and a persisting, never-ending discomfort to him.