How To ACTUALLY Get ANYTHING You Want | Marie Forleo

0:00All right, marketing school listeners, and this is a 20 to 30 minutes segment of that I want tecnología I'm going with an a great founder, entrepreneur, creative, visionary. You're going to get a ton of insights from this. And if you want to listen to the entire thing, go search for Leveling Up with Eric Su. That's the entire podcast that you're going to find. So you get 20 to 30 minutes here. And if you want the whole thing, you can just search for Leveling Up with Eric Su. And without further ado, enjoy the episode. This next episode is with Marie Forleo. She's an entrepreneur. She is one of the world's biggest coaches and it's a wide-ranging conversation we talk about why perhaps it doesn't make sense to focus if you're starting a business we talk about how young people can be successful we talk about her relationship and the one thing that she did to preserve her relationship seven years in she's been in relation for 21 years with her partner and it's a wide-ranging conversation we talk about her business we talk about marketing we talk about why podcasts are getting stale why podcasts like this are getting stale and some ideas on how to get around that.

1:03So again, it's a great conversation. Hope you enjoy. All right, Marie, how's it going? So good. So happy to be here with you. Yeah. Thanks for being here. For those that don't know you, what would you say you're known for? My goodness. We have a program that's called B-School. It's online business school for modern entrepreneurs who want to make money, make a difference. We've helped now over 80 ,000 people start and grow their businesses. That's one component. We've had an online show now, gosh, since like 2010. So both podcast and a YouTube show, MarieTV. So a lot of people, like if I was walking around here, it's like, oh my God, I watch your show all the time.

1:40And then I wrote a number one New York Times bestselling book called Everything is Figureoutable. So I have my hands on a lot of things. So it just depends on what people are into and how they kind of dive into the rabbit hole. Got it. And where do you spend most of your time today? In terms of creativity? Mm-hmm. You know, I've always considered myself a multi-passionate entrepreneur, and that's my own definition. I made up that little phrase, so you're not going to find it anywhere. But it is really a great way to describe the fact that I like doing a lot of different things. So, for instance, I'm here in L.A., based in New York City, but I'm here doing interviews like this, creating some new assets for our company in terms of photo shoots and meetings and pushing projects ahead.

2:19When I go back next week, we're preparing for our interviews on our podcast and our stuff in New York City. We're launching a new product. We're bringing on new team members. So it's like I'm always doing something different. And even when I first started my business, people were like, well, what do you do? I'm like, what day of the week? Because at that point, it was bartending. It was waiting tables. It was teaching dance and fitness. You know what I mean? There were so many different things that I did even before the business took off. You actually, you talked about this on another pod about how you're diagnosed with ADHD.

2:50Yeah. And there's this, I mean, in entrepreneurship circles, you know, everyone's like, you just need to focus on one thing. You need to lock in on one thing. And that's how you build into like a hundred million, a billion dollar company, right? Totally. You had a really good response. I don't know if you remember, but I'm going to ask you again. What do you say to people that tell someone that's really creative that says focus? Listen, there's a lot of validity to that train of thought, and it's not the right fit for everyone. Some people that are built like I am and like I would assume many entrepreneurs are, essentially trying to focus on one thing feels like cutting off a limb.

3:28And it feels like you're leaving a huge portion of your talents, your gifts, your perspectives, your ability to contribute to something to the wayside. And I think, honestly, it's an antiquated idea that was born out of a more cog-like paradigm from the industrial age, where you show up in a factory and you do the same thing over and over. And there was kind of this formula for success that, quite frankly, in modern times is completely outdated. And I think, you know, for anyone that is, I would say, maybe younger than 20, you don't maybe have a context for our grandparents who worked at the same job for 50, 60, 70 years, and then they got the gold watch, and then they had pension.

4:07It's like they came from a world where you put your head down and you focused, and that's your ticket to success. But for so many of us, again, myself included, it's like I've never fit into a conventional box. And between, you know, I was one of the world's first-ever Nike elite dance athletes. I have zero dance training, meaning zero formal dance training. Passion got me everywhere. I love creativity. I love business. And any time that I tried to follow that conventional wisdom, it just, it honestly left me feeling stifled. It left me feeling broken. And I wasn't moving forward. I was miserable.

4:41Right. So it seems like, I mean, the phrase I always like to use, there's no solutions, only trade-off, the Thomas Sowell quote. And I think the trade-off here is if you do focus on one thing, you might grow it to something that's way bigger revenue-wise, but you would feel unfulfilled. Yeah, let's talk about that for a minute. You know, when I was first starting my coaching practice, and I was terribly insecure, I knew how young I was. I knew even in my own mind, there was such a critical voice in there. It's like, you're 23 years old. You haven't even lived life yet. Who the hell are you to be, you know, doling out advice?

5:13But there was something in my heart and my soul that knew there was something about this path that was really, really aligned with who I was supposed to be. and at that same time when I was doing all this personal development work training to be what I was hoping to be the best coach that I could be I was also taking all those ideas personal development ideas and applying them to myself and the truth was I never felt comfortable just calling myself a coach because I had such a passion for hip-hop I had such a passion for dance the world of digital business was very very new this was like 1999 2000 2001 you know blogs basically didn't quite exist yet.

5:49Social media was nowhere near existing. And I really looked in my heart, and I was like, you know, at 23, 24, I was like, there's so many other things that I want to explore. I'm happy to slow down my growth, to not make as much money, to not go as fast, to give myself this window of opportunity to explore all of these different talents and gifts that I'm really interested in for a few years. And I gotta tell you, Eric, that was one of the wisest things I ever did, because it gave me experience in front of a camera. I wound up getting that Nike gig that I talked about. I did fitness videos. I had my hands in so many different industries.

6:23And then at a certain point in my late 20s, there was convergence, meaning they all came together. And even now, I've been in business for 23 years. A lot of those early influences still show up in my business and they make it very unique than anyone else in the space. So I think if you're open to not going hyper fast and I need to hit these big numbers, which by the way, nine times out of 10, they're totally arbitrary. You know, those desires or those goals might be because the media has conditioned you or your family has conditioned you or society has conditioned you that if you're not the next Elon Musk, well, you might as well just go home.

7:00And that's so not true. I think that there is, first of all, most of us, God willing, will have a very long life. You're going to have many chapters. And I think if you have multiple passions, you owe it to yourself to explore because you'll never know how that creativity and all those different perspectives will converge at a certain point and give you such an edge that you wouldn't have gotten if you put your head down and focused and followed the rules. Got it. And at what age did you figure out that, hey, I'm hearing this focus thing, but I'm not going to do that. So, yeah. And again, I tried just to be clear.

7:34I tried so hard, but I was miserable and I was like journaling every day. And, you know, I was raised Catholic. And so I was like, like angrily writing at God saying like, why can't I just focus on one thing? Like this doesn't feel right. And so I think I was probably around 24 or 25 when I just said like, screw it. I just kind of threw my hands up. And I remember a friend was asking me like, how's coaching? I'm like, coaching's going great. And I'm actually going to start teaching hip hop. And it was a record splash. They're like, wait, what? Are you even a dancer? I'm like, well, I don't have training, but I've been going to these classes and I've networked.

8:04And my teachers were like, you should be teaching. You're that good. And so I just kept following what felt right and what was bringing me alive and what was connecting me to other people and what was opening up my creativity. And it felt better than trying to put my head down and like just be one thing. So what I'm hearing is it's really whatever works for you. There's no right or wrong way. No, I think it's, you know, there's a lot of wisdom in books and there's a lot of insight to be gained from other people. But I think what we don't do a good enough job at in our society is training people to access the wisdom within.

8:38I think every single human being on the planet has a direct connection to whether you want to call it higher intelligence or intuition or gut instinct. You can put any label on it. That's irrelevant. But there is a source of intelligence inside all of us that isn't conditioned by your family, by society, by external expectations. And if you can be still enough and start to train yourself to hear that, I think that's often the fastest and most exciting and creative path to fulfilling your life's purpose. As cheesy as that may sound, I think that's why we're here. It's like money's awesome. Success is great.

9:14But at the end of the day, you want to have meaning and feel like what you're creating makes a difference. And oftentimes that has to come from following that voice from within. Got it. And how do you, speaking of the gut, when do you know when to trust your gut? Okay. I think this is really interesting because for so many of us, we're ambitious. We want to build something. We want to get ahead. We want to like have those big breakthroughs and opportunities come across the table. And on paper, they might look good. Like I can remember so many times, especially early on in my career, you know, I networked and I remember meeting this particular person who was like, hey, you're a really good coach.

9:48I'm really great at business. Why don't we do something together? And of course my brain went to dollar signs. I'm going to move faster. This person is going to help me excel. But Eric, there was something inside of my belly that was just like, eh, doesn't quite feel right. This person was really good, but just something was a little bit off. Fast forward like three, four, five months, I had poured so much time and energy into trying to make this thing work and was twisting myself into a pretzel and wanting this deal to come through. And it didn't work out. Eventually, I kind of stepped away. And it was really a wonderful lesson in that from the get-go, there was something off, but my ego didn't want to listen to that.

10:27I was so focused on getting ahead. What were these dollar signs? How was I going to kind of grab that next level of success? And I shushed my inner instinct. And I tell that story just for context because for many of us, things happen in our lives. An opportunity comes up. We can do a deal. And everyone's like, you got to take this. This is the best thing on the planet. it, but there's some tiny little part of you that's like, not so much, right? You want to kind of pass, but you don't listen to it because of your ego. So here's a really great test that anyone listening right now could use for themselves to help them distinguish the difference between, is this your intuition saying walk away or is it just fear and insecurity that you can't handle it?

11:07You won't be good enough. You're not going to have what it takes to actually excel at whatever this opportunity is. Neil and I have an agency owners group called the agency owners association. All you have to do, just go to marketing school.io slash agency. Once again, it's marketing school.io slash agency to learn more. And now back to the show. So let's say Eric, for instance, you get an invite to do a big speaking gig, right? And you're like, okay, 5 ,000 people, your ideal audience. You're going to have so many more subscribers to your podcast. They're going to learn about you and your business, like all these great things.

11:40and it comes with this humongous speaking fee. But you're not feeling like, sure, like, God, am I just nervous? Can I step up to this next level? Or is this not the right opportunity for me? So here's what you would do. Close your eyes. You got to get really still. And I'm talking about still from the inside out, like turn off your phone. Don't have anyone else around. Even if you need to go take a walk outside, take a walk around, get into a place where there's really a sense of calm within. Close your eyes and think about saying yes to this opportunity. Does the idea of saying yes to this make me feel expansive or contracted?

12:16Now, in the moment and millisecond, after you ask yourself that question, like, does the idea of saying yes to this make me feel expansive or contracted? If you're really still, you will notice there is a physical sensation that comes up from within. It's not from your head. It's actually from your body. Expansive might seem something like you either sit forward a little bit, or your chest lifts, or your shoulders broaden, or like you just feel almost like you want to jump out of your chair, or there's some feeling of joy or excitement, or something that you would associate with a forward kind of movement.

12:47Does that make sense? Contracted might feel or sound or sense like dread in your belly, or your shoulders hunch, or you just get tired, and you're like, oh, God, that sounds awful, right? There's some part of you that just starts to move back or say no or get smaller. And what I've seen over time is that our bodies have so much natural wisdom in them, but we've been so conditioned to operate purely rationally that we kind of cut off all this other intelligence within us. And that single question helps you train yourself to start listening to more of what's happening on the inside. And often what I've seen is those sensations are your intuition, your gut instinct trying to communicate with you.

13:29So if you can listen to that, you'll nine times out of 10 make the right choice. So let's dive a little deeper into that because those that can't see, I actually closed my eyes and I was thinking about it. So I was invited to speak at a conference in Europe, right? And that's in September. But it's like, I've never been to this country before. That is, that makes me feel expansive. But also this is not necessarily my audience, right? So that's contracting. So then what do you do? Now you have conflicting. You have conflicting, but I think that's where you can take both of those sensations. and you're like, oh, wow, I've never been to that particular country in Europe before, maybe I just want to go there on vacation.

14:02Do you know what I mean? I think putting those feelings into the context of your greater life and then using your rational intelligence to go, like, do I actually want to go here? Is that my ideal audience? Even if it was a big paycheck, is it worth it? Because as you know, everything you say yes to in business, you're saying no to something else. And that something else could be more time with your family. That could be just a peaceful weekend where you're not jumping on a plane. So I think it's about, even if you have those conflicts, you can take that information and go, what was I excited about?

14:30Oh, I might actually want to take more time off and go travel and see stuff, not necessarily go say yes to a speaking engagement. Got it. Well, now let's say you get invited to like 15 of these a year. Yeah. None of those countries you've been to. Yeah. You can make the argument, at least for me. I'm like, I would like to go to all of those. I would like to take a vacation for all of those. So then it starts to know what I do. Well, that's kind of, but what you're doing there, Eric, and this is how I would frame it, is you're trying to make a rule in advance. Do you know what I mean? Like, to apply a rule out into the future rather than going like, let me make a choice about this particular decision right here and right now, because who knows?

15:04Maybe the next one, not only does that country sound good, but you're like, oh my God, I would love to be in front of those people. So rather than having it be a blanket rule, you're using this, and I think that this is more appropriate and more honest about how we have to interact with life. it's not a set it and forget it kind of thing. It's contextual. So in three months, that new opportunity might come up. You might be like, actually, I actually do want to say yes to this one. And you tap in and that's where it is. Got it. That makes sense. It sounds like you can probably use this in relationships too with friends and also dating.

15:36Hell yes. If your body keeps saying no to something or you keep feeling this sense of dread. And here's like another quick hack for people. When you get an opportunity that comes up and let's say, oh, you're going to have to do the speaking engagement in six months. or, oh, we're going to have this meeting and we're going to work on this project in three months. You're like, that sounds amazing. If you wouldn't be excited to do it tomorrow, don't put it in your calendar for three, six, or nine months in the future. You'll hate yourself. Like when that time comes, you're like, why did I say yes to this?

16:04Yeah, I got one of those right now. Yeah, right? So it's like we get so ambitious and we kind of go, again, whether it's ego or we're just excited. We're like, oh, this is growth. This is amazing. This is going to be this wonderful opportunity. But that's a really quick trick, though, to save yourself from being pissed past you for saying yes to something you're like, I don't want to do this at all. Speaking of relationships, on a pod, you did talk about how... Actually, no, let's go back to your childhood. There's one distinct line that you said, I'm paraphrasing here, where you, I think, at a younger Marie was like, I never want to get married.

16:36I never want to have kids. Yeah. So what changed? Well, neither of them, because I'm not married. And even though I am a stepmom, I don't have biological kids. So I am this interesting human in this way, where a lot of my friends, as a little girl, they were fantasizing about weddings, and I can't wait to have a family, and they would talk about all of these things and these princess moments, and I just could never relate. And as I got older and was a teenager, still the same. Friends, you know, young girls would want to be, oh wait, what is my wedding gown gonna look like? I felt like they were speaking a different language.

17:15And then in my early 20s, every guy I dated was just like, oh, when we get married, I'm like, are you listening? Because that's not what this human wants. And so I was really lucky to find a partner who, A, already had a child, which was awesome. I was like, do you want to have more? He's like, do you? I'm like, nope. He's like, I'm good. I was like, yes. And then I was also like, do you have to, do you feel like every person should get married? He's like, no. He's like, I'd love to marry you, but if you're not into it, I just want to be with you. I was like, this is amazing. Yeah. And so, and how long have you guys been together?

17:4821 years. 21 years. And so, that's amazing, A. Yeah. B, how did you know he was the one? The one? Yeah. I felt instantly more like myself when I was with him. And in contrast to other past relationships, and they're wonderful humans, but I found in past ones before Josh, I was always trying to like kind of twist myself to be something that maybe I wasn't. And I didn't feel as solid, secure, or like me. And it was, and I wouldn't have known how great Josh was if I didn't have all those other contrasting previous examples to have something to compare it to. But every time with Josh, who again, we've been together a couple decades now, it's like we so respect who we are as humans and we build each other up.

18:42And it certainly doesn't mean that everything's perfect. We've had tons of ups and downs, like every human relationship does. But there's such love and respect and caring for who that other soul is. And it's just like, that was always, that's, for me, that's true love and that's everything. And we, we've like, people are like, oh, what's your wife? And we don't correct people because we're like, who gives a shit? Do you know what I mean? It's like, we're together. Got it. And one more thing on this. Yeah. Knowing you, I mean, you've got to have some systems around all this, right? So what are some interesting systems or things that you do in your relationship to keep it going?

19:12So one of the things actually is making sure that we have adequate time apart. Like we both, he's an actor, so we both typically work from home or we're in the home creating a lot. And he's really expressive and creative and so am I. And so having like whether we have homes in several different places. So he'll maybe go up into the mountains and I'll go out to the beach. Not for long, but it could be like three or four days. And there's something beautiful, I think, in taking those little moments apart. And then when you come back together, you're like, oh, I missed you! And you have so much more to talk about.

19:45So that's one of the things, is really making sure that we're taking time apart so that we're not constantly on top of each other. And this is like monthly? Yeah. And you know, it happens for us pretty organically. Because oftentimes, as an actor, he's off shooting something, or if I'm writing something new with a program, or I've got a big project, I'm like, hey, I need a few days. Do you know what I mean? So we go like that. So it doesn't even have to be, quote unquote, in any kind of rigid way, but if I'm feeling... If either one of us is feeling like, oh my god, we're spending a little bit too much time together, we bolt for a little bit.

20:15In terms of other systems, we communicate really well. Like, if there's friction, we call it out and we communicate about it as quickly as humanly possible just to clear the decks and to get back into connection and communication. Because I find that when resentment builds, you know, and I haven't always been good at this, I've been terrible at it in the past, to be honest. Like, everything's fine. It's fine. What are you talking about? And it wasn't fine. But I didn't want to take the time, you know what I mean, to really dive deep and to dig in and to clear it out. And now, thankfully, with age, you know, it gets a little bit more wisdom, so I'm better at that now.

20:50So you guys nip it in the bud immediately. Nip it in the bud. Like, if it goes off the rails, we handle it. Got it. Um, you... By the way, can we say one more thing there? There was one point, probably like seven years into our relationship where it was about to end. Like he was like, I was basically such a workaholic and he just felt completely like my business was my number one priority and he wasn't. And he was like, that's not what I want in life. And so we were, relationship was on the rocks and we went to couples therapy and we stumbled upon what I believe is the number one tool for anyone who wants to have a happy, lasting, healthy relationship.

21:30It's called Imago Therapy. So the authors, Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelley Hunt, they wrote a book, I think it was back in the 80s or the 90s. It was huge back then, but it was called Getting the Love You Want. But the real bottom line here is they're, I think they're in their 80s now. They do these weekend workshops, and they teach you something called Imago Dialogue. For you or anyone listening, I feel like every human being needs to learn this tool because it can help you back out of any conflict. I mean, absolutely with an intimate partner, but it's also completely useful in the context of human relationships, work relationships, friendships, families, and I could not recommend it enough.

22:11So it's like you can take a weekend workshop for like 400, I don't know what it is. It's so inexpensive and you're like, this is priceless. Yeah. I have that book. I never opened it before, but now that you've got to do it, go do a workshop though, because they, they train you in the tool and it's amazing. Like I've never taken a seminar where like, you're literally not allowed to ask questions. You just keep practicing with this tool. And at the end of like a few hours, like maybe nine hours, you walk away with a skill that can save you from destroying your relationships. And this is you going to the workshop with your partner?

22:41Yeah. Okay. And I mean, people can read the book. There's tons of it online. We interviewed them on our show, MarieTV. If you just Google Marie Forleo, this couple saved my marriage, you'll kind of get the download on it. Yeah. But it's so valuable. Oh, so it's both of them teaching. Yeah. Oh, interesting. And they're sweethearts. And it's like they're, what I love about them is they're constantly evolving their work and they have thousands of what are called imago therapists around the world who are working with couples actively and then they kind of filter up the intelligence and they keep evolving their tools and techniques.

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