Separation Anxiety: Backpacks, Butterflies & Brave Goodbyes

0:15Hello, and welcome back to the Mindful Motherhood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Katie Gorham, a child psychologist and mother of two. I'm so glad you joined the conversation with me today

0:26Dr. Katie:as we explore the rollercoaster we call parenting and the fascinating world of child and adolescent brain development. If you joined me last week, okay, wait, I say last week, but yes, technically it was, I think, close to two weeks ago now. Hmm. Well, this is supposed to be a weekly podcast, but I do this in real time. So each week I am working on the episode, recording, editing, and publishing it all on my own. I am a one-woman show, so when life gives me a speed bump, it does set that timeline back a little bit. All that to say, I apologize for the delay, and I do want to set the expectation for the rest of the season that this might be a little more of the same, with episodes coming out probably about every two weeks or so.

1:16Dr. Katie:I am trying my best for weekly, but in an effort to protect my own mental health and not stress too much, I'm loosening my timelines a little. Just want to make sure everybody knew that so you're not just sitting and wait for the next episode to drop. All right, back to it. Okay, so last time we explored how to support your child's anxieties or worries when everyday routines are disrupted, whether that's going on vacation or a sudden change in plans. We talked about practical tools like visual countdowns, calming the nervous system through belly breathing and blowing bubbles, and challenging anxious thoughts with a strategy called the what-if-what-is.

1:56I also encouraged you to try integrating one of those strategies into your daily rhythm before you're in a moment of stress so your child can start to build familiarity and comfort with it. How did it go? What did you notice about your child's energy or thought patterns? And maybe even more importantly, what did you notice about your energy? Did anything shift for you? Did practicing these tools help settle some of your own anxious energy or bring a little more confidence into your parenting? You know, it's funny, we often think parenting is all about the kids, right? But the truth of it is, it's just as much about us.

2:39When we show up with intention, when we shift how we respond, we're not just helping our children and regulate, we're rewiring some of our own patterns too. And that doesn't mean every moment feels easy and calm, far from it. But over time, your body does start to learn, it's okay, I can handle this.

3:00Dr. Katie:My big feelings don't have to feel so big. Bit of a tangent here, as I tend to do, but I think it's an important one. You know, it's easy to feel like we lose ourselves in parenting, Like our lives are swallowed up by raising our kids. But when we stay intentional and curious, we realize we're not losing ourselves. We're growing ourselves. And growing pains, they feel uncomfortable, right? They can literally be painful sometimes. And this is going to sound really cheesy, but I'll say it anyway. In the garden of our lives, we're not just watering our children. We are nourishing ourselves too. So just kind of keep that in mind when things feel tough.

3:44And I know they often feel tough. Okay, before we dive into today's episode, I wanted to mention a couple of follow-ups from last time. First up, when I was discussing the what-if-what-is strategy, I mentioned that it is primarily for older kids because it requires more cognitive processing skills. And that's true, but it's also important to know that you can use a distilled down version of this with younger children as well.

4:12Dr. Katie:A little example here. While I was on vacation with my family over the last couple of weeks, we spent a lot of time in the pool. And unfortunately, our first couple of experiences happened to get rained out pretty shortly in. Big clouds rolled in, alarms blared, or whistles were blown telling everyone to exit the pool. Well, because of that, my three-year-old became hyper-aware of storm clouds, and any time we got in the water, he instantly became worried that it would storm. His association with pools was no longer super fun times. It was scary, cloudy, loud, rainy times. His eyes would be fixed on the sky, and if any cloud had a tint of gray, he was anxiously telling us we had to leave, it was going to storm.

4:56Dr. Katie:Now, we were able to use the what-if-what-is strategy to help him through this. We would say, okay, you're worried that it might rain. You're worried the loud noises will go off and that we'll have to leave. So if it rains, what is our plan? Well, we're already in swimsuits, so it's okay if we get wet. And then what if there is thunder or lightning and the whistles blow? Well, we'll gather our things and go inside. And then he would repeat that plan back to us. Or he would just look at us and nod his head and go, okay, okay. So this took some repetition. he would see a cloud again, he would get nervous, and we would repeat our plan.

5:35Dr. Katie:And each time he would grow more confident with that plan until by the end of the trip, he was swimming without even noticing the clouds anymore. And that's just a little example there showing you how you can modify that what if, what is strategy to different developmental levels to help tackle some of those everyday worries that pop up. And then the last thing I wanted to mention is to keep in mind the power of predictable routines. In the last episode, I talked a lot about how to support your child when routines are disrupted, but it's just as important to highlight the stability that consistent daily rhythms or routines can bring.

6:12Dr. Katie:Routines around things like bedtime, mealtime, or getting out the door in the morning. I laugh because I know that's a tricky one. Creating routines around those things might seem simple, but they're incredibly calming and regulating for kids and teens. So for example, a predictable bedtime routine could be bath, toothbrush, story time, quiet time. Those things repeated each night starts to signal to your child's brain that it's time to wind down and then it mentally and physiologically helps to prepare them for sleep, which then helps ease transitions and reduces nighttime anxiety. Even small rituals like the same hug before school or the way you reconnect after being apart can provide a sense of safety and rhythm that helps your child feel more anchored in their day.

7:05Dr. Katie:Alright, now that I got all that out, it's time for today's topic. Today, we're exploring a form of anxiety that so many families face, especially coming up to this time of year, separation anxiety and back-to-school stress. Whether your child is starting preschool for the very first time, switching to a new school, or just kind of feeling the weight of being apart from you again after summer's rhythm, it's possible that your child will start to experience some separation anxiety. And while it's incredibly normal to experience this, it doesn't make it easy. These moments really tug at our hearts and can often really test our patience.

7:44Dr. Katie:So today, we'll talk about why separation anxiety happens from a brain-based perspective, what it can look like, and then I'll go through some grounded and creative strategies to help kids feel safer and help you and your kids feel more confident during these transitions and separations. So what is separation anxiety? Well, separation anxiety is something that, again, is incredibly common in early childhood and can even pop up again during big transitions or stressful seasons throughout childhood and the teenage years. Distilled down, it's more or less the distress children feel when they're separated from their primary caregivers.

8:25Dr. Katie:So it's usually a parent or someone they're more deeply attached to or spend a lot of time with. This might be a little surprising, but separation anxiety is actually a developmentally totally normal part of growing up. It sometimes tells us that a really secure attachment is present. Your child wants to stay close to you because you are their safe place. That said, it can feel really intense for both the child and the parent or teacher or other caregiver when it's time for school or daycare or even just leaving them at home with a babysitter or a neighbor. And so what this can look like is crying, clinging, or even sometimes really explosive meltdowns.

9:07And these happen during times of separation or leading up to a known separation or when you have to say goodbye. For example, again, I mentioned some of these already, but drop off at daycare, school, leaving for a date night, or even just saying goodnight and trying to leave your kid's room at bedtime. You might hear your child complain of stomach aches or headaches before separation. They might refuse to go to school or get in the car, or they might use really lengthy delay tactics to avoid having to go somewhere or to try and keep you around just a little bit longer. A real big one for toddlers and younger kids at bedtime is the, I just need one more thing tactic, the one more cup of water, one more story.

9:55Dr. Katie:The newest one from my three-year-old is he'll cry out, don't leave me. and you're just like, okay, send this kid to Hollywood because he's stirring up all the emotions. Similarly, you might find that your child has difficulty sleeping alone or maybe they have frequent night wakings where they come and they seek you out or even during the day they might ask you to spend more time with them or to lay with them. When they're with you, they might touch you a lot, want to be held a lot or just be near you. They might want to know what you're doing all the time, where you're going, and they always want to go with you.

10:33And they might say things like, why do you have to leave me? Or I need you.

10:39Dr. Katie:Those statements can really tug at you. And I've heard them all from clients, from the students I work with, and from my own children. And I'll tell you, I'm a very sensitive person. And even when it's not my child, I can feel my own tears and anxiety build when kids say that sort of thing. And I have to work hard, like very hard, to maintain my regulation in those moments. And that's because anxiety just totally disrupts your nervous system. And so it can be really exhausting. But those behaviors are not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your child. They're signs that your child is learning to stretch their independence while still needing to know you're close and that you're reliable.

11:24Dr. Katie:And no surprise here, this is a form of anxiety that we saw a huge rise in after the COVID-19 pandemic. During the peak of COVID, when school shut down and we were all in isolation, our kids relied almost entirely on us, their parents, their siblings, grandparents, all for their connection and comfort. The family system became the playmates, the teachers, the emotional support team, and we were all together all the time. So when schools and activities opened back up, many families I worked with were caught off guard by how intense the separation struggles had become. I saw 12-year-olds crying every night about how much they'd miss their mom the next day.

12:06Dr. Katie:Kids who no longer wanted to go to friends' birthday parties, who turned down sleepovers, who no longer wanted to be involved in summer camps they used to love because they just wanted to be home with their family. And in some ways, it was beautiful, right? Because many families grew closer together. But it also highlighted something important. Kids are meant to grow in community. Social-emotional development depends on practicing connection outside of the family system, outside of the home, with other kids, their peers, with teachers and other adults. And for many children, that growth was disrupted in a really big way.

12:50Dr. Katie:And now, years later, some of our kids are still rebuilding that tolerance for separation. And then, on the even tougher side, separation anxiety can also grow out of various life events that leave an emotional impact on your child. Things like sudden severe or chronic parent illness, sibling illness, new sibling at home, sibling newly away from home like going to college or off to camp, a death in the family, pets included, a car accident, even minor ones. So you can see there are many reasons why a child may become fearful about the idea of leaving or separating from their parents or caregivers, even if they've never had issues in the past.

13:34Dr. Katie:Now, there's good news. Always good news. With consistency, reassurance, and practice, children can learn to tolerate and even thrive during times of separation. And we'll get into how we can help them through that anxiety in a moment. But first, you might have guessed it, it's time to talk about what's going on beneath the surface in that little developing brain of theirs during times of separation that might cause that anxiety. So when your child experiences separation, their amygdala, that part of the brain responsible for detecting threat, can interpret that separation as legitimate danger.

14:13Dr. Katie:Especially if they're still learning that apart doesn't mean gone forever. Their body goes into that fight-or-flight mode, and that's when we see them cry, cling, melt down, refuse to move, not because they're trying to be difficult, but because their brain is doing exactly what it's wired to do, protect them. Another big part of the equation, remember that part of the brain that helps us reason and plan and calm ourselves? That's the prefrontal cortex, or thinking brain as we love to call it. That part of the brain is still very much under construction throughout childhood. So those big feelings stirred up by the amygdala don't get quickly soothed or rationalized.

14:56Dr. Katie:Instead, they take center stage. So here's a metaphor we psychologists love to share with parents. Think of your child's brain like a home alarm system. When separation happens, it can be as if the alarm gets triggered. But instead of a burglar triggering the alarm, the danger is simply not being with you. That alarm blares loudly, even if you know everything is safe. And to add to that, children live very much in the present. So even if they've experienced daycare drop-off dozens of times before, today, the right here, right now is the only thing they can think about. It can feel like a brand new experience.

15:37Dr. Katie:and if there is anything working against them, like feeling tired or hungry or just a little off for whatever reason, that alarm system will blare even louder. And the louder the alarm, the bigger the behavioral reaction we often see. Okay, not all doom and gloom over here, though. Here's the encouraging part. With practice, co-regulation, and predictable routines, your child's brain will start to learn, Oh, okay, this isn't dangerous. This is just drop-off. My mom, dad, grandparent, whoever, always comes back. The amygdala softens, and the nervous system begins to regulate more quickly. And that's where you come in.

16:21Dr. Katie:When you stay calm, connected, consistent, even in the face of their very big feelings, you then become the reset button for their system. Your calm helps their body learn, this is hard, but I'm okay. I can handle it. And just like any skill, learning to separate gets easier with practice. So rather than seeing separation anxiety as something to fix or eliminate, we can see it as something to practice moving through, slowly building that muscle of tolerance and trust over time, knowing you're still connected, even when you're apart. All right, now that we've talked through what separation anxiety looks like and why it happens, let's walk through some practical tools and approaches you can try at home to support your child before and during those tough transitions.

17:14Dr. Katie:Now, these particular strategies are all about helping your child feel connected to you, even when you're not physically together. And it's that sense of connection that's going to help regulate their nervous system and build trust in the separation process. So let's get into it. I'm going to share a couple of different tools with you. Seven to be exact. Tool number one, create a goodbye ritual. We know that kids thrive on predictability. So one of the simplest and most effective things you can do is create a special goodbye ritual with your child. And that's simply just a consistent way to say goodbye that starts to signal safety to their brain, and it will send them off with more and more confidence.

17:56Dr. Katie:So it could be a little sequence, something like a hug, high five, and I love you, and then telling them when you will return, like see you after snack time, or maybe it's a secret handshake or a silly phrase you say together at the door. And here's the key. Let your child help create the ritual. When they have a say in it, it gives them this sense of control, which in and of itself can help reduce anxiety. Because anxiety is all about the unknown. So we want to have some control when we can. Tool number two, use visual schedules or transition timelines. This is especially helpful for younger children.

18:33And yes, I did talk about this in the last episode, but I wanted to briefly mention it again. You can use visual schedules or countdown calendars to show your kids what's coming next. So you can draw out the day together.

18:45Dr. Katie:Something simple like wake up, breakfast, drop off, school, then who's coming to pick them up, and if there's something happening after school, what's happening after. When kids can see what to expect, that timeline of their day with the important details attached, it starts to reduce that fear of the unknown, and it makes transitions feel a little safer and a little more predictable. Tool number three, offer a comfort object or what's kind of often referred to as a connection token. And this one is actually really powerful. Give your child something they can carry with them. A small item from home, a note in their backpack, or something like matching bracelets.

19:29You could even draw a heart on both of your hands in the morning so they can press the heart and know you're thinking of them too. Some families call it a hug button. and they're actually little stickers and temporary tattoos made just for this. I'll link a few cute options in the show notes. You can say something like, when you miss me, press your button and know I'm thinking about you too. These small objects create a sort of bridge between your child's emotional world and your physical connection, even when you're apart. And having something tangible that they can hold or touch or look at can be another helpful way to give them that sense of control over those tough thoughts and feelings.

20:09Dr. Katie:Alright, next tool, normalize and name the feeling. As Dr. Dan Siegel says, name it to tame it. Help your child name what they're feeling and let them know it's okay to feel that way. Try saying something like, it's hard to say goodbye sometimes, isn't it? Then that's just your worry voice trying to protect you. Let's thank it and remind it you'll be safe. And you don't need to talk them out of their worry. Your goal is to help them coexist with it, so it can kind of ride in the back seat while you or your child stay in the driver's seat. And if you've done the worry monster activity from a previous episode, this is a great moment to bring that back.

20:50You might say, let's thank your worry monster for trying to help, and then let's tuck it in for a little nap while you go to school. And that sort of playful approach can be especially helpful for younger children. Voice is getting a little hoarse here today. Speaking of play, that brings me to tool number five. Use play to rehearse the separation. Children process their emotions through play. Play is such a big part of their world, so let's try to use that. Try role-playing drop-off with stuffed animals or dolls. Act out the school routine together and let your child explore those feelings through that pretend play.

21:30Dr. Katie:And a really great way to do this is to have your child be the parent and you be the child who is having a tough time separating. Have your child come up with ways to soothe you and help you out. That role reversal can be so magical. And this gives your child a safe way to express and practice what they're going through. Bath time is another good time to practice this out, especially if you have younger children and you have little toys that you can play with. Kids often get really relaxed in the bath. their guard is down a little bit and you can have kind of more open and imaginative play with them and rehearse some of these real-life scenarios in that setting.

22:07Tool number six, teach pre-separation body calming tools. Help your child practice regulating their body before you even leave the house or have to say goodbye to each other.

22:20Dr. Katie:I've spoken about these in the past, and I will continue to mention them because exercises that work to calm our nervous system and slow down our heart rate can be such powerful tools to help us stay in our more logical thinking brains and dig us out of those more reactive emotional brains. So strategies like, and I mentioned this before, smell the flower, blow out the candle, those deep, slow breathing practices. Another good one is something called butterfly hugs, and that's where you cross your arms over the chest and then you kind of gently tap your shoulders back and forth. And then an even sillier option is little wiggle breaks or body shakes, anything to get the body moving a little bit.

23:01Dr. Katie:Release that anxious energy and try and distract the mind. And then finally, we made it. Tool number seven, give your child something to look forward to after school or if it's not school after whenever the separation will be or whenever your reunion will be. And this is not a bribe. It's not if you go to school, then you get this. Or if you let go right now or stop crying right now, then we'll do something fun later. It's more so a way to signal connection and consistency on the other side of the day. You might say, I'm so excited to make bracelets together after school. Or let's ride bikes when you get home.

23:43This could be anything that's meaningful to your child. It doesn't have to cost money or be extravagant. It's just a little reminder that there's love and connection waiting for them at the end of the day or whenever it is that you'll be back home with them or together, reunited, or whatever it is.

24:01Dr. Katie:Again, the goal here isn't to eliminate all anxiety. It's just unfortunately not a realistic expectation, and it's not necessary. The real goal is to give your child tools that help their nervous system recover and return to a more rested and calm state a little more quickly with each separation. You're helping them build tolerance, resilience, and a sense of trust in themselves and in you, and these are skills that will grow with them over time. The reality is transitions are hard but with practice and intentional connection and your co-regulation, they truly do get easier. And you're not just getting through it, you're building something together, one goodbye at a time.

24:51Dr. Katie:All right, last thing I wanna touch on and this is something we don't always acknowledge enough. sometimes the anxiety isn't just on our child's side. And what I mean by that is sometimes the anxiety our child is feeling comes from our own anxiety about separating from them. And I've been there. Maybe you feel a pang of guilt about leaving them. Maybe you're worried about bad things happening to them or to you while you're away from each other. Or maybe drop-off stirs up something else in you, something that's been living in your body, maybe memories of a tough childhood experience, or being left without feeling enough support or connection with the caregivers in your life.