Taming the Worry Monster

0:17Dr. Katie:Hello, and welcome to the Mindful Motherhood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Katie Gorham, a child psychologist and mother of two. This season, we're diving deep into a topic so many families navigate, childhood worries and anxieties. Together, we'll explore practical strategies, insightful research, and heartfelt conversations to help us turn challenging parenting moments into opportunities for connection and growth with our kids. Thank you for joining me on this journey as we navigate the roller coaster we call parenting and the fascinating world of child and adolescent brain development. Welcome back, everyone.

0:55I am really excited to share the second season of this podcast with you all focused on all things anxiety and worries. You know, this topic is so, so close to my heart. I grew up grappling with some intense social anxiety, a challenge that stayed with me well into adulthood. And that's honestly probably why anxiety is my favorite topic and why I feel such a strong connection to the kids and families that I work with who are navigating their own unique struggles with worries and anxieties. And anyone listening can probably agree with me on this one, that anxiety is a big part of our lives, especially now as parents, right?

1:36And worries can consume our lives if we let them. And this isn't just true for adults. This is a problem that our children face too. And just as an unkept garden can become really overgrown with weeds, worries can overwhelm our kids' minds if they're not given a little attention and pruning from time to time. But there is good news. Sometimes it just takes little shifts in our approach as parents to make a big difference in our kids' lives. And to turn some really tough anxiety-based struggles into more manageable thoughts and feelings for our kids. And really to turn them into these real stepping stone moments for cognitive and emotional growth.

2:20That said, let's dive on in. Okay, I said dive in, but today we're really just going to dip our toes into the world of childhood anxiety. It is summer over here in the Midwest, and it is hot outside. Can you tell I have pools on the vine today? And hey, hopefully some of you are enjoying this episode while you're poolside. I really, truly hope that for you. I'll get there eventually. As usual, I digress. Let's get back to it. Today, we'll talk generally about the kinds of worries kids experience. I'll discuss how anxiety often manifests in them, so what it looks like in their bodies. And then I'll walk you through three different tools or activities you can use to help really open that door for communication with your kids or teens about their anxieties, worries, or fears.

3:09Now, it is totally natural for children to feel anxious from time to time, just like it's totally natural for us as adults to feel anxious sometimes. Although sometimes it is really kind of the more routine things that to us feel really normal, but for kids can feel really big and make them feel really anxious. Things like starting a new school year, even though they've been to the school before and they know the kids and teachers there. Going to a routine doctor's appointment, or even having their own birthday party, or going to a play date at a known friend's house, can bring on these jitters and anxious thoughts and feelings.

3:50Super quick side note, though. I am not talking diagnosable anxiety disorders in this episode. And by that, I mean anxious behaviors that are so significant or severe enough that might warrant clinical attention. Today, I'm speaking more to situational or day-to-day worries and fears that bubble up throughout childhood and adolescence, that we as parents can help to reframe or reshape for our kids to help them better understand those thoughts and those feelings in their bodies so that they can learn to work through that specific kind of frustration or discomfort. And here's the thing. Anxiety throughout childhood can be really tricky because it often manifests as these physical symptoms or behaviors in kids, and that can make it hard to detect.

4:37Often when we see behavioral or emotional outbursts from our kids, we can unintentionally assume it's just bad behavior or manipulation or a selfish or spoiled child and on and on, right? But the reality is, kids do communicate through behavior. And if we just write it off as bad or intentional, we may miss something really meaningful hiding under the surface of those tears and those meltdowns. In fact, it's actually really important to know that when kids are struggling with anxiety, it often shows up in these unexpected behavioral ways. So you might notice increased irritability, more frequent meltdowns, or even a regression in behavior, like sudden bedwetting in a child who hasn't had an overnight accident in a long while.

5:25Think of it as any noticeable shift from your child's typical demeanor or personality or behavioral patterns. So another example, if you're, you know, a pretty generally flexible child suddenly becomes really upset or tearful when routines change or something isn't just right, and this behavior lasts more than a week or so and they aren't sick, it might be an indicator that anxiety is at play. And if we're punishing that behavior, we're just looking at the behavior itself and giving consequences or punishments, it's not going to help that behavior or that anxiety go away. some other common behaviors we see with kids and teens experiencing anxiety

6:09Dr. Katie:they might avoid situations that they used to enjoy or become really clingy and have difficulty separating from you kind of that sticky booger syndrome that's another one that I got from my mother-in-law she would call actually my husband when he was a kid he was super clingy and she would call him her little sticky booger so we call that our little sticky booger syndrome when we're having a hard time separating. You might see an increase in restlessness or fidgety behavior. Sleep is a big one here. It can often be disrupted when our kids feel anxious or have a lot of worries. So maybe your child usually sleeps through the night without much issue and doesn't have too much of a hard time falling asleep.

6:49And now it's a struggle to get them to fall asleep. Maybe they seem wired at bedtime or they're waking up often in the night or seem really irritable in the morning. Perhaps they're complaining of nightmares for an extended period of time. Again, anything that is off from their usual behavior can be that waving red flag that anxiety, fears, or worries are starting to really trouble your child. You might also see what we call physiological symptoms. So those symptoms that might look like something more medical. So maybe they're complaining of stomach aches or headaches or nausea can be a really big one.

7:27So, for example, kids might complain of a tummy ache on school mornings that mysteriously disappear on the weekends or when they get home from school. You might notice appetite changes or even rashes or hives that, again, can look like an allergic reaction to something.

7:44Dr. Katie:And this was actually a big one for me as a teen. I would break out in full body hives to the point where my hands and feet would swell so much that I couldn't walk or bend my fingers. and it wasn't an allergic reaction. I mean, we had me tested for everything. It was intense anxiety. Emotionally, your child might express fear or worry or sadness more frequently. They might, though, if they have that ability to express that. A lot of kids are still developing that sort of emotional intelligence and awareness. So they might actually really struggle to articulate what they are worried about, or their worries might seem really out of proportion to the situation.

8:27So you might hear them say things like, what if a lot, or you might see a lot of reassurance seeking. And so what that might look like in your child is seeking a lot of validation from you regarding their performance or the decisions that they make. So questions like, Did I do well on that test? Are you sure it's a good enough grade? Or is this outfit okay? Does my hair look okay? Do I look weird? Or even asking the same question repeatedly, even after it's been answered, especially after it's been answered. Things like, we're going to grandma's house today, right? Or dad is putting me to bed tonight, yes?

9:06And again, you may have confirmed this question many times with them, and they just keep asking, really seeking that reassurance. They might also need to re-hear promises that you've made, like promise me you won't leave me here alone, or promise me you'll come back and check in after you put them down for bed. You might also hear a lot of repeated questions about safety. That can be a really big one with kids. Are you sure the doors are locked? Every single one? What about the back door? Will you be driving to work? Are you going to be okay driving to work? You won't get into an accident, right?

9:39Lots of questions like that are common in kids who are feeling anxious or have some worries. And remember, every child is different. And these are just some of the common signs that we see with kids. Again, the key is to really notice changes in your child's typical behavior or emotional state. And some of our kids just have more sensitive temperaments, which naturally lends itself to being a little more and sometimes a lot more anxious than the general population of children. So for those kids, they might need some extra support with navigating those more intense or even frequent thoughts and feelings of worry or fear than our other kids might.

10:19all right before jumping into what we can do to support our kids when worries pop up let's take a little look at what's going on in their brains when they experience worries or anxiety one of the reasons we see a lot of behavioral changes in kids is because of what happens to their hormones when the brain registers a real or even perceived threat so something that's maybe not truly a threat but the brain is kind of taking it in as a threat the body releases cortisol which is a primary stress hormone, and that does a bunch of things to the body. So it increases heart rate, it sends blood rushing to muscles, it increases blood sugar levels and alertness, which can leave kids feeling pretty jittery and on edge.

11:04Let's see, it also really impacts our metabolism and slows down our digestion a bit, which can lead to those stomach aches and that feeling of nausea that we often see with anxiety. And for kids of all ages, but especially our younger children who might not yet have the language or self-awareness to understand what's happening in their body,

11:25Dr. Katie:this experience can feel really overwhelming. Like, you know, something is off and it feels weird, but they just can't explain why. Again, this discomfort often shows up in their behavior. They act out. They become unusually clingy. They have more meltdowns. Or they complain of just feeling sick, all because they're just trying to cope with these sensations that they don't fully understand. Their bodies are reacting as if they're in danger. It's kind of shutting itself down in certain ways and making itself more alert in others. even if the quote-unquote danger is simply like a new or unfamiliar situation or again that change in routine or a little social worry or an upcoming test or visit somewhere.

12:15This response is completely normal and it is rooted in how our brains are wired to keep us safe.

12:21Dr. Katie:But for kids who are still developing the cognitive tools to process all these feelings, it can feel really scary and make them feel a bit out of control. And this is where we can find ourselves as parents in a sometimes frustrating cycle with our kids. So we don't know what's going on inside our kids' bodies or what they're thinking. That experience is unique to them. What we see is disruptive and challenging behavior. And if we ask our kids, why are you doing this? Why are you acting out? What's going on? And they don't know how to express what they feel. They just know that they feel weird and a little out of control, that answer doesn't satisfy us, right?

13:01Dr. Katie:Because we want to know and we want to help fix it. And so then we might end up getting really frustrated with them. Again, we might try and punish that behavior because that's a tool that we know that we can use when we see bad behavior bubble up. But if it's anxiety-based, that behavior is only going to get bigger. Or maybe a part of that behavior might go away with punishment, but then a different bigger behavior will bubble up somewhere else and make it even harder to manage. And this can be a really tough cycle for everyone. The more we can get curious about what's happening in our kids' brains and bodies when their behaviors are off, the more successful we'll be at connecting with our kids and helping them work through those challenging feelings and moments.

13:47All right,

13:47Dr. Katie:now that we have a glimpse of the why behind their behavior, let's explore how we can respond in ways that can calm the storm and help our kids build more confidence in their ability to manage these anxious thoughts and feelings when they do inevitably bubble up. And they will. One of my favorite tools for helping children understand and manage their worries is to sit down with them and create a tangible worry monster. This could be through a drawing or a clay model or even a face on a paper bag. I remember doing that when I was in kindergarten. and making little paper bag puppets. Creativity is key here.

14:27Dr. Katie:You could start the activity by saying something as simple as, you know, a lot of people have worry monsters that make us feel sad or scared sometimes. Let's draw what our worry monsters look like. And if you're feeling extra crafty, you can turn this drawing into a whole art activity. Have things like pipe cleaners and pom-poms and popsicle sticks, googly eyes, whatever you have on hand to make it a fun activity. And don't just have your child create their worry monster. You should create yours too, so it's something you can connect on as you create your little monsters together. The more you can make it a shared challenge, the less isolated your child will feel with their worries, and the more open they will be with you.

15:10Dr. Katie:A worry monster is a wonderful way to bring this otherwise pretty indescribable feeling to life for our little ones. When a feeling becomes a tangible thing, something you can hold, something you can see, it suddenly becomes so much easier to talk about. So we're helping to shift worry from something pretty abstract, this weird feeling inside of us, into something tangible that they can talk to and even put away when it becomes bothersome. So this makes it much easier for your child to practice looking at their worry monster in the eye and telling it to go away when it starts to make them feel icky.

15:49Dr. Katie:Have your child describe their worry monster to you as they're drawing or creating it. Maybe even come up with a cute little fun name for the worry monster or give it a silly voice. Again, use your creativity here. And this is where it's really helpful for you to be drawing or creating your worry monster alongside with them because you can be describing what you're creating, what yours looks like, why it looks that way, what it sounds like. And that will help them, you know, give them some vocabulary for how to describe their own worry monster or how to think about their own worry monster. And we don't want to plant too much in their minds.

16:26We want to give them their own kind of creative liberty here. But some kids can get a little bit stuck.

16:30Dr. Katie:And so if we're creating it alongside them, it can help give them that little template of where to start. And so a couple examples here. I've had clients draw one of them named there's Roger. that that was, I don't know where that came from, but sure, Roger the worry monster. And he was green and fuzzy. There was also one that was really spiky and red because that child got really angry when they were worried and they knew that about themselves. It kind of helped them bring that, those big feelings to life on the page for them. And this activity can be done with older kids and teens, as well as our little ones.

17:05I've actually done this practice with adults, you know, into their 50s and 60s. And yes, I have made my own worry monster several times too.

17:13Dr. Katie:It has evolved over the years, but it's always good to look that little worry monster in the face and kind of see how it adapts and changes over time. Once your worry monster is identified, once you have that with your child and you've turned it into this more tangible being, you can then start to talk about it more and ask your child what their worry monster says to them. So this then is a much more playful approach than just kind of sitting down and trying to have a deep conversation with your kids. And it takes some of the power out of the worry. It makes it feel a lot less scary for our kids and much more manageable.

17:51And so the next time your child expresses a worry, you can say something like, oh, it sounds like the worry monster is visiting today. What's it telling you? And this immediately shifts the perspective from, you know, instead of I'm feeling worried or I feel weird or I have these behaviors to, oh, the worry monster is trying to make me feel worried. And then what can we say to the worry monster or do to help it go back to its home or sit back down? By giving this icky feeling a face and a name, you've now opened the door for your child to have a dialogue about how they're feeling in a way that really makes sense to them.

18:27And it also gives you a pretty straightforward way to gauge how they are feeling by asking if Roger the Worry Monster is acting up again when you notice that their behavior or their mood is a little off. For some children, it's also really useful to create friendly monsters who can help them feel safe and comforted when their worry monster comes out of its house and makes them feel sad or scared. So that's an additional kind of add-on to the activity that you can do if you'd like.

18:54Dr. Katie:again when we give the worry a name a shape it becomes something outside of themselves this helps children see that the worry is not them it is something separate from them that they can learn to manage it's a part of them not all of them and they learn that you will be there as their parent their caregiver their teacher to help them with that worry monster whenever it starts to play its silly worry monster tricks. Another fun activity you can do with your kids is to create something called a mind table with them. And in many ways, this is actually pretty similar to how emotions are depicted in the movie Inside Out.

19:34Dr. Katie:So for this activity, have your child imagine that they have a mind table. Like the worry monster, it can be super helpful to have them draw this out or create it in some way. I've had some kids create their mind table out of Lego or other mixed media. Again, the powers of creativity can be so powerful when you're dealing with anxieties and worries. It just engages that part of your brain that can help you feel good too and just get you thinking in a different way. As you engage in this activity with your child, tell them that at the table is someone named worry. Maybe it's even the worry monster you've already created together.

20:12Dr. Katie:Then have your child think about other characters that have a seat at their mind table. And if you're going with the inside-out theme, maybe it's characters like anger, joy, disgust, surprise, sadness, you know, so on and so on. And then at the head of the table, taller than all the others is your child. Teach them that they are the boss of their mind table. The important concept here to teach your child is that worry, while they have a seat at the mind table, is not the boss of the mind. Your child is. So when you're talking about the mind table, we want to teach our kids that worry is important.

20:50Dr. Katie:It can help us stay safe and alert in a true dangerous situation. And it can be our little spidey sense when something is not quite right. It does have a seat at the table. Again, it's important. But sometimes we have to tell worry to sit down or raise its hand. It cannot always shout out at us. Have your child think of what they would say to worry when it starts to speak up too much, and this will become their mantra when they notice that they're starting to feel a little out of sorts or their thoughts are starting to become focused on one stressful thing. For example, yeah, let's see, they could say something like, not today worry, or you don't control me worry, or I hear you worry, but I'm not listening right now.

21:33Dr. Katie:I've also had kids come up with things like, thanks for the warning worry, but I've got this, or worry you're not the boss of me. Encourage them to choose words that feel empowering and personal to them, something that makes them feel stronger and in charge. This mantra then becomes a simple yet really effective tool they can use to loosen their worry's grip on them and remind themselves that they do have a lot of power here and they do have the power to manage their worries. Over time, repeating this phrase will help your child build confidence in their ability to face and navigate anxious moments.

22:11Dr. Katie:And we can use this strategy to help our kids get really curious about our feelings too. We can teach them that just because we feel or think something does not mean it's true. For example, we can ask questions like, is the worry monster being helpful right now or is he just being loud? Or what do you think we can tell the worry monster? Or what's one small step we can take right now to help our worry monster sit back down? For example, if the worry is about a test, maybe the small step is to review one topic or take a few deep breaths or take a little break and then come back to our studying.

22:48Dr. Katie:The goal is not to eliminate the worry instantly or even altogether, but to start to empower your child to do something with it, even if it's just acknowledging it and putting it in its place for a bit. There's actually another therapist who has a really great Instagram account called Nurtured First. I imagine there's many of you who have heard of her and who are pretty familiar with her content, but if not, definitely go check her out. She talks about a very similar version of the mind table, and her insights are really valuable. and she actually has a whole worry toolkit that I've recommended to parents and families in the past.

23:23Dr. Katie:It's a great resource and I will link it for you in the show notes. All right, the last strategy I'll share today, similar to the mind table and worry monster, is something called the worry box. Again, I've used versions of this with elementary and middle school and high school clients, so great for any age. Using your powers of creativity, have your child create a worry box. Maybe this is a shoebox that you decorate together or go to the dollar store and get one of those little cardboard mailboxes to decorate. I'm not sure if they have those all the time, but I see them often around Valentine's Day.