How Anxiety Shows Up in Highly Sensitive Kids (and What You Can Do About It)

0:14Hello, and welcome back to the Mindful Motherhood Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Katie Gorham, a child psychologist and mother of two. I'm so glad you joined the conversation with me today as we explore the roller coaster we call parenting and the fascinating world of child and adolescent brain development. You guys, it looks like I've had a real if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie situation with my productivity. I gave myself two weeks to get this episode out, and I took several months. Seems like I'm just going on an apology tour each episode this season. And I truly do apologize for this insane delay.

0:52I know I'm preaching to the choir when I say it can be so very hard to carve out time for ourselves and focus on our passion projects when we're juggling parenthood and jobs and spousal relationships and friendships and other commitments and household chores. And the list just goes on and on, right? And then the other little tiny wrench in my life plans is I have to have shoulder surgery tomorrow. Womp womp. And so I've had to come to terms with the very real fact that this season just isn't going to be the eight episodes that I had planned for and very much intended to get out to you all. It instead will be four, and that's okay.

1:32So hey, welcome to the season finale. We made it! it. I am practicing flexibility, I am giving myself some grace, and the important thing is, this is not the end. It is indeed the end of season 2, but there will be more, and I am excited to keep growing with you. Okay, enough about me, let's move on with the show. Now if you joined me last time, you know, many moons ago, I talked about separation anxiety, and I walked us through several different strategies you can try to help your child feel more connected to you while you're away and to help try to ease some of that separation distress and i challenged you to come up with a simple goodbye ritual to try out with your child or with your children what did you come up with take a second to kind of check in with yourselves here what about this change has felt helpful for you what still feels hard or what do you want to try next whatever it is give yourself a little credit you are actively shaping your child's emotional toolkit, and you're actively working on your connection with your child.

2:37And that is one of the most meaningful things we can do as parents. Actually, a friend and fellow therapist reminded me that it's not just goodbye rituals that are important, but also reunion rituals. Little rituals that ground you to your child when you are reunited after work or school. And so a little example from my own life here. My daughter was having a rough couple of weeks recently. She was feeling really disconnected from me, and it was starting to bubble up through her behavior, as it often does. So much so that I got the first dreaded call from school. No. No, I work in schools, so I'm used to being on the other side of this, but receiving those calls kind of feels like a little gut punch, doesn't it?

3:23All right, so long story short, I reworked our daily reunion routine, where before I was unpacking her bag, I was getting papers out of her folder and washing her lunchbox on my own. Now we do those things together. And we added a very simple little ritual of putting our shoes next to each other right after we walk in the house. And we call it Shoe Buddies. Super creative and clever, right? Now I prepped her the night before about the change. And the next day after pickup, we walked in the door and she said, said, Ugh, do we have to do shoe buddies, all annoyed-like, and only the way a six-year-old with sass can?

4:00And I said, Yep. And from that moment on, she was hooked. Now she still feigns annoyance sometimes. Oh, fine, Mama, we can be shoe buddies today. But if I forget, she is quick to notice and remind me. And that tells me this little ritual matters to her, even when she doesn't want me to know it. Anywho, all of that to remind you that we We don't have to make big changes to make big differences in our kids' behaviors. After about only a week of that new connection ritual, we saw my daughter's behavior really level out, and there haven't been any new calls from school. Phew! Well, not yet, at least.

4:37Alright, I'd say it's about time we dive into today's topic. Today we are talking about how anxiety shows up in a really important group of kids—our highly sensitive children. Now, a little disclaimer, highly sensitive kids deserve so much more than one episode, and I have sort of laid crumbs of information about them in past episodes. And while I don't have time today to go into too much detail, I couldn't end this season without talking about them a little bit, because anxious thoughts and feelings can be such a huge part of their lives. Alright, so what are highly sensitive children, you ask?

5:13Like aren't they all highly sensitive? Yes, the short answer to that is all children are indeed highly sensitive sometimes. All people are, really. But there are some children who feel the world more deeply than many other people around them. They actually notice everything. They tune in emotionally to others and take on other people's emotions. They're super creative. They're empathic. They think about and experience the world in such a unique and interesting and wonderful way. And because the world is a bit more of an immersive place for them, they also tend to experience frustration more intensely.

5:51They become overwhelmed more easily or quickly. You know, essentially their fuse for what they can tolerate is often shorter, and they often want or even need things to be exactly right. Actually, the same friend of mine and fellow therapist I referenced earlier, her name is Jess Traser, she calls these children exclamation point kids because they feel everything with an exclamation point. Now, quick aside, if you have a spare moment, I highly encourage you to check out Jess's Instagram account. It's called at parentingfromthefloor or her website, parentingfromthefloor.co. That's dot C-O. She offers parent workshops, one-on-one consultation, and she has such great insight into how the family system impacts child behavior and the various ways we can better connect with and understand our kids and teens.

6:40Now that brief description does not do her justice, but definitely go check out her stuff. All right, so let's unpack how anxiety shows up in our highly sensitive kids and why it can sometimes look like shutting down, rigidity, or having an I don't care attitude, and then how we can support our kids in those moments. One other little aside here. Yes, this episode is more focused on anxiety in highly sensitive kids, but the examples and the information shared here will be relevant to all kids. All children will experience these moments and show similar behaviors, it's just that you'll see it more frequently or more intensely in kids who have highly sensitive temperaments.

7:23And for those of you who are a parent or a teacher or caregiver to a highly sensitive child, knowing what's going on under the surface and making some little adjustments to your approach can really shift the tone and relationship dynamic and help everything feel much more manageable for all of you. So I hope this information today is helpful. Okay, so let's talk a little bit more about what it means to be highly sensitive. I said this kind of a little bit earlier, but going into a little bit more detail for you, these kids often seem a little fragile, and they kind of are. But the reality is their brains are actually wired differently.

7:59They have a nervous system that is much more attuned to the world around them than many other people. Their nervous system is more sensitive, which makes their emotions more sensitive. So these are the kids who pick up on the emotional climate kind of the second they walk into the room. They're often the slow to warm ones, but then once they are warmed up, they rev up fast and can get quickly hyper-excited. It's like they seem shy when they walk in, but then they own the room by the time you're trying to leave. There also are creative thinkers with really rich inner worlds and imaginations. They can often be very elaborate storytellers.

8:38Another characteristic we often see is they often have really big empathy for others. And it might not look like it when they're young by how they react around others, but it shows up in how they respond to other people's emotions. They tend to absorb at all and take on those emotions too. They also feel their own body sensations much more intensely. It's like those everyday sensory experiences that might not bother most of us so much register much more intensely in their bodies. Sort of like they have the volume turned up on sensory experiences. So minor discomfort can feel like pain. Stubbing a toe can feel like the world is crashing down.

9:19It all just feels much more intense for them. In fact, they tend to feel the whole spectrum of emotions more intensely too, the highs and the lows. So that means when they get excited, it looks like manic energy. Not just excited, but like out of control. Can't bring my body back down to this world. Level excited. And then the opposite too. So anger can be really explosive. And yes, they feel frustration, fast and hard. And this is one of the ones that turns up the most in highly sensitive kids? Frustration, or avoidance of it, and I'll talk more about that. Because if you experience frustration intensely, you're going to eventually start to avoid it.

9:58And that is what our highly sensitive children often try to do. Because here's the thing, they are truly wired differently, and their brain's threat detection system actually lights up more quickly, even in situations that other kids might be able to sort of coast right through. And here's where anxiety creeps in. When something matters to them, the thought of doing it well or doing it right or not disappointing someone, the stakes start to feel very high. So if something is not going their way or the way they imagined, their whole body reacts as if there is actual danger. And this intensity also comes from a strong drive for perfection, for getting things just right.

10:41And I said this a moment ago, but because they feel things so intensely, they experience frustration more intensely too. And this can look like being super rigid, inflexible, and being really emotionally charged or reactive, kind of seemingly at the drop of the hat sometimes. You know, again, they can go from zero to 60 with their emotions. It seems like they're calm, they're playing well, and then bam, everything's exploding. Now remember the lid-flipping analogy from last season. When the brain feels stressed and overwhelmed, the lid flips and the emotion brain takes over, and that thinking brain goes offline, and the child's fight, flight, or freeze instincts kick on in.

11:23And so that's what I mean when I talk about their threat detection system lighting up more quickly. These kids have a smaller window for the kinds of experiences they can tolerate before the stress feels too overwhelming and they flip their lid. And this behavior can be really challenging for adults. We think, where's this coming from? This is such a small problem. This reaction feels insanely big. You know, maybe they can't seem to strap their shoes on just right. Or gosh, any other number of examples that you're like, man, you do this every day. Why is this such a big deal? But the thing is, this intense frustration is often rooted in anxiety about not getting something just right.

12:09I'll share a personal example here, as I often do. Recently, my daughter was playing with my husband. He was trying to teach her how to hit a ball with a bat. And you could tell when she started, she wanted to hit it so badly. Like, she just wanted to get it right. And her little brother had been taking turns before her. He had been hitting the ball, no problem. And, you know, so she steps up and you can kind of see her big sister energy like, yeah, I can do this too. I would bet she had this picture in her mind of what it would feel like to hit the ball cleanly. Like you could see the determination in her whole little body.

12:43But on that first pitch, oh yes, she missed. Second pitch, she sure did miss again. And that was it. Her shoulders dropped, her eyes filled with tears, and she started to shut down. She started to say, this is stupid. I don't want to play anymore. And she yelled at my husband, you're throwing it wrong. wrong. She just started blaming him. Now, if you only look at that behavior, you might think, well, she doesn't care, or she wasn't trying hard enough, or she was just being dramatic or even disrespectful. But underneath that, oh, she cared. She cared deeply, so deeply that the caring turned into anxiety.

13:21And her brain went straight into, why isn't this working? I should be able to do it. My three-year-old brother can do it. This feels terrible. I can't do it." And so for highly sensitive kids, the absence of success can cause the brain to go into panic mode. Their brain's threat detection system, that amygdala, lights up quickly, and their body responds with frustration as a way to escape the rising tension. And kids don't think through this consciously, but their nervous system reacts to it in a really big way. The frustration that you see is often anxiety about not getting it right. So quitting ends up feeling safer than tolerating that rising sensation of I can't do it.

14:05So in many ways, quitting actually becomes a form of self-protection for them. So back to the example of my daughter, blaming her dad becomes a way to move the discomfort outside of herself. If the problem is out there, then it's not in her. It protects her from feeling not good enough. And shutting down, calling it quits, that becomes the fastest way to make those big, anxious feelings go away. And so it's not that she didn't want to try. It's that trying without succeeding could be physically overwhelming, even truly feel painful. And this is why highly sensitive kids can look really rigid and reactive or kind of quote unquote too emotional.

14:45But they're not trying to be difficult. their systems are overheated and overwhelmed, and their little growing brains are doing the best they can to keep everything cool and to get them out of that situation. And so what do we do in these moments? Well, the very first step, I bet you can guess it, is to get curious about the bigger picture. What's going on under the surface for the child? When you see your child melting down or shutting down or yelling or quitting or blaming, your automatic thoughts might sound like, ugh, stopping so dramatic. Or just try, you've done it before, you can do it again.

15:23Or come on, this is not a big deal. And listen, I don't blame you. I have had many of those thoughts myself. Those thoughts are human. But supporting a highly sensitive, anxious child starts with noticing your thoughts and shifting them. And that could sound like you thinking, okay, this looks really dramatic, but maybe the big behavior is telling me this feels really hard for her. Or he's shutting down right now. Maybe that means he's overwhelmed or feeling really stressed. Or, okay, here we go. She's yelling at me again. Maybe this means she doesn't know how to tell me she needs my help. She can't figure out how to do it on her own.

16:05When we shift our interpretation, we open the door to connection instead of conflict. And the more quickly we can connect, the quicker those big alarming behaviors will subside. And one of the ways we can sort of tiptoe towards connecting with our kids in these bigger, more explosive moments is to say what we think they might be feeling. Not to guess it perfectly, but provide some language to help anchor them. And I've talked about this in the past, but by putting words to the feeling or behavior, we can help reduce that feeling of being stuck and powerless. So going back to the example with my daughter, this was one of those sort of fun, proud parenting moments where I could actually see what was unfolding as it was unfolding.

16:47And honestly, that's probably because I was a spectator in the situation. I was not the one pitching the ball. So my own nervous system wasn't as activated. did. As an outsider looking in, I could think a little more clearly about what might be going on here. And as soon as she yelled at my husband and blamed him, I knew what that meant. I could feel her anxiety under the frustration. So I sat down next to her and I simply said, you really wanted to hit the ball the first time. She nodded. And with that little nod, I knew I had her attention. So I kept on going. I said, and it felt so frustrating when you couldn't get it just right the second time.

17:27Another nod from her. And then the tears came. And that's the release. She was coming down from the eruption, and that tiny acknowledgement of what she was likely going through brought relief to her system, and her brain and body now felt safe enough to start to let down those defenses. So I hugged her, and I can't remember my exact words after that, but it was something like, you're still learning. You're not supposed to hit the ball the first time or every time when you're learning. It's okay to miss. And then, here's the magic that happens when a child feels seen instead of judged. She wanted to try it again.

18:05She was now open to the feedback from my husband on how to stand, where to put her hands on the bat. She was open to trying something that just moments earlier felt impossible to her. And you know what? She hit the ball. And the smile on her face, oh my gosh. Enough to make you tear up. Annoying myself, I probably did tear up because I'm also a highly sensitive person, and I feel my kids' feelings deeply, and I felt her pride. And that moment was such a beautiful reminder. When sensitive kids feel understood, they feel capable. When When our sensitive kids feel understood, their nervous system settles, and suddenly the task becomes more manageable.

18:49But if I had gone straight to that little talk about, you're still learning, it's okay to miss, before connecting with her emotional state, no way would she have heard me or let me in. She probably would have yelled at me to go away or yelled, no, it's not okay to miss and stormed off. And then everybody would have been frustrated, myself included. and so many parenting moments go that way, right? But again, just a little shift in the approach, getting down on her level and throwing that little connection anchor, she felt safe again. And again, when kids feel safe, they feel much more open to trying hard and tricky things.

19:25And that's essentially how we stretch their skills, how we widen their frustration tolerance bit by bit over time with repeated situations just like that. And the sort of, you know, unfortunate truth of it all is this pattern does show up everywhere. So life with a child like this will be ripe with opportunities to practice these skills for you and for your child. Because unfortunately, anxiety hides under so many behaviors that can really throw us off as parents. Actually, another one of the big ones, and the last one I'll touch on today, is one that tends to really get under our skin. When our kids respond, I don't care when we're trying to help or offer feedback.

20:05And yeah, I get it. I can sense the deep size from many of you as you listen to this because we have all heard it. So let's talk about why that's happening or what's likely happening in their brains in those moments and why I don't care almost never means what it sounds like. So think of any number of conversations you've had with your child when you're trying to enlighten them with your infinite parent wisdom on why something is important and worth their time and worth them taking more seriously. You know, it could be talking about hygiene, or about picking at a scab, or the joy of learning to ride a bike, or a grade they got on a test.

20:46And they hit you with a flat, dismissive, or annoyed, I don't care. As a parent, that response can be infuriating. And you likely will feel the urge to clap back with some sarcastic comment or forge ahead and double down with your original message, right? And again, been there. I can actually hear what my parents would say to me if I ever responded that way. Something to the effect of, I'll give you something to care about. And maybe some of you have had that knee-jerk response too. And again, I get where that comes from. But here's the truth. Highly sensitive kids do care. They actually care so much that it often overwhelms them to the point of shutting down.

21:27I don't care often actually means, I don't know how to do what you're asking, or I'm afraid I'll disappoint you or that I have already disappointed you. It could mean, I don't yet have another way to cope, or your attention on me feels like more pressure than I can handle right now. And sit with that for a second. That statement of I don't care is just a defense mechanism from a kid who's probably pretty desperate for your approval. And so let's use the skin picking example with this one. Some highly sensitive kids feel body sensations way more intensely. And so a scab might feel itchy or tight or uncomfortable in a way that's genuinely harder for them to ignore.

22:11And so picking becomes their attempt to soothe that sensation. And when you come in and say, oh honey, you're making it worse, they may snap back, I don't care. But internally, their anxiety is just ramping up. And their sort of automatic thoughts or feelings inside could sound like, I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know how to stop. Or they want me to stop, but I can't. Or, oh gosh, now they're watching me and I don't know what else to do. Their brain gets stuck between discomfort in their body, discomfort in disappointing you, and not knowing an alternative to all this. And that apathetic or sometimes highly emphatic, I don't care, it buys them space so we can look at it as sort of an emotional timeout.

22:55Sometimes they really are just trying to make an interaction with us stop. And it's not because they don't love us or care about our feedback or because they're trying to be disrespectful. They're just trying to get out of that situation or whatever it is that's causing them discomfort because they don't want to feel that way with you. And I guess we can all kind of relate to that, right? I bet we've all been in situations like that. Now, remember from previous episodes when I talked about how, when our stress response system kicks in, that ability of ours to think logically, to process information effectively, and to talk about how we're feeling, or even to ask for help when we need it?

23:32All those systems start to shut down when we feel stress. And when we tell kids to stop doing something that they think is helpful for them, and this can be especially true for our highly sensitive kids, those defenses go straight up. the brain goes into protection mode. They can no longer take in what we're trying to teach them, and we are met with what looks like defiance. And this can put you and your child into a really frustrating loop. So what helps here? Now I know I say this a lot, but we have to give them an anchor or throw them a little life preserver or whatever analogy you want to use.

24:09And we do this by getting curious and by providing an alternative. And that second part is a step that we sometimes miss, but it's really important. Because a lot of times that I don't care comes from a place of not knowing what else to do in the situation, and they're trying to very quickly get that spotlight off of them to reduce the overwhelm and, quite frankly, to get you off their back. So when kids don't know another way to regulate, we can offer one. We give them the can-do. So we could try, hey buddy, I noticed that scab is having a hard time healing. Instead of picking, you can press your finger around it.

24:48Or when you feel like picking your scab, you can squeeze your hands tight or press the palms of your hands into your legs. So essentially, you're reducing anxiety by giving a concrete, doable action. You are helping them to create a plan. Another helpful approach? Have a bedtime chat. bedtime is such a great time to connect with your child. They're cozy, the demands of the day are done, it's just you two, and you can really approach the situation with curiosity in a way that they, you know, their brains just might be more available to actually engaging and providing some insight. And so that could sound like, hey hun, I noticed the scab keeps bleeding.

25:30Is it hard to leave it alone? Or does it feel itchy or more like it hurts? Now, some kids won't really be able to answer some of these questions, and that's okay. Metacognition is a skill that develops with age and practice. But sometimes they will share insight, and that opens the door to supporting them and coming up with an alternative plan together instead of just battling them all the time. Again, leading with curiosity and connection almost always helps to reduce anxiety for your kid and for you. Alright, I feel like that's a good stopping point for today, don't you? Fantastic. And that brings us to our challenge of the week.

26:11This week, your challenge is to practice tuning in to what might be underneath your child's big reactions, shutdowns, or I don't care responses. I challenge you to pause when your child has a moment that feels dramatic, or avoidant or unexpectedly intense. Practice noticing whatever automatic thought pops in about the situation and try and shift it from, oh, here we go again, to what might this be telling me about how they're feeling? Then name a possible feeling out loud in a gentle sort of curious way. I wonder if this felt really frustrating for you. I'm guessing this might feel hard right now, or maybe you're worried you won't get it right.

26:54Then lastly, and I know I'm giving you a lot of steps here, but you can do it, stick with me, just notice what happens. You're not trying to fix the moment. You're just offering language, connection, and calm, and possibly an alternative. Their nervous system does the rest. It's a small shift, but it builds safety, it strengthens trust, and it helps your child learn the words for those big feelings hiding underneath the big behavior. All of those things will help to reduce the anxiety bubbling underneath. Try it once this week. One moment of naming what's underneath. You may be surprised by how it softens your child and how it softens you.