What If… It’s Okay? Mindful Tools for Navigating Change

0:14Dr. Katie:Hello, and welcome back to the Mindful Motherhood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Katie Gorham, a child psychologist and mother of two. I'm so glad you joined the conversation with me today as we explore the roller coaster we call parenting and the fascinating world of child and adolescent brain development. If you joined me last week, I talked through some behavioral indicators that your child might be experiencing some anxiety or worries, and I went through three different hands-on activities you can use with your kids to help bring those worries out into the open so you can better communicate and connect with your child when those tricky feelings bubble up.

0:53Dr. Katie:Were you able to sit down with your child and start to help that worry monster come to life? And did you take the advice to create one for yourself too? You know, the funny thing is, every time I recreate mine with a client, it often ends up being super helpful, not just for the child I'm working with, but for me as well. I can be really great at helping other people face and figure out how to tackle their worries, but as I am human, I often forget to do the same for myself. And I guess that's kind of the caretaker mentality. And I imagine you all feel that to some degree as parents or grandparents or teachers.

1:29We take care of others. We go, go, go. And we can run ourselves ragged and forget that we are whole people who need caretaking too. Creating that worry monster can serve as a reminder that our worries can run wild in our minds. And that can really wear down our physical health. And there is a lot to worry about as parents. So maybe part of the challenge isn't just helping your child manage their worries in a healthy way, but helping yourself to talk more to your own worries. Acknowledge them, tell them you see them, and quiet their voice a little so you have more space to be present with your kids, your spouse, your friends, and other important aspects of your life.

2:16All right, let's shift gears to today's topic.

2:20Dr. Katie:Managing anxieties when everyday routines are disrupted, which is something that happens often. I mean, it is truly something nearly all parents navigate at some point. Things change, right? We evolve, and we cannot keep the same schedule or the same routines for all the things all the time. As adults, I will say that sometimes I think when we hear anxiety, the word anxiety, our minds often jump to those big, overwhelming moments that stem from equally big events. And yes, it absolutely can be like that, and it often is. But as I touched on last week, for kids, anxiety often whispers its way into the seemingly small daily transitions and shifts in their lives.

3:08Things like the excitement and uncertainty of preparing for a vacation, or a parent leaving to travel for a few days, or, I mean, really just any change in the usual daily routine. these everyday anxieties are a natural part of life but for children they can often feel really overwhelming and unsettling in their little bodies so by understanding this type of anxiety and the behaviors that come with them through this more brain-based lens that i like to focus on we can better support our kids and help them develop essential skills to manage their worries

3:46Dr. Katie:and adapt to the inevitable changes that life brings. So why do these routine changes sometimes trigger anxiety? Well, our brains, and especially our kids' developing brains, thrive on predictability. When a routine is about to shift, even if it's for something exciting like a vacation, it creates a sense of uncertainty. And then for a child, that uncertainty can feel a bit like a threat, and it can actually register in the brain as a real threat, activating that fight, flight, or freeze response. Their little brains are trying to make sense of the unknown and sometimes that leads to an anxious reaction.

4:28And yes, it's an overreaction from the brain, but it is something that we are programmed for. And for kids and teens, again, those anxious reactions can look a lot like

4:40Dr. Katie:some big acting out behaviors. Yelling, hitting, running away, and even saying some pretty nasty stuff. Remember from season one when that amygdala is activated and the fight, flight, or freeze instinct kicks in? The thinking brain goes offline. Your child is no longer engaging in rational thinking. They are acting on their survival instincts. They are going to fight their way out of that situation until they feel safe again. Their brains are still working on growing their emotional regulation skills, and they are still learning how to manage these situations that feel so overwhelming to them in a more socially acceptable way.

5:20Dr. Katie:Actually, just yesterday, I was at the mall with my five-year-old for some special mom-and-daughter time, and as we were starting to walk toward the exit, I noticed she was becoming increasingly agitated. She started whining, she started saying she was dying of thirst and really hungry and just wanted to get something to eat and drink at the mall. And she was very specific about that. I said, we are not getting food and drink here. We have snacks at home. And she was adamant that it had to happen at the mall. Now, I know she wasn't dying of thirst or hunger because she had just eaten lunch and she had just had something to drink before we left.

6:01Dr. Katie:And again, when I reiterated that it was time to go and she could have a snack when we got home, she started to shift her tactic and started to say that the trip was boring. It was the worst trip ever. And she wanted to buy something and we just had to go to one more store. And granted, this was a relatively short trip. We had a pretty packed schedule that day, but I really wanted to squeeze in this little outing because she had been needing some one-on-one time with me. But I had to hold my boundary that it was time to go. We had other things that we had to get to that day. And again, I reiterated to her that we would not be going to any more stores.

6:39Dr. Katie:We wouldn't be getting any more food at the mall. As you can imagine, this only increased her agitation. And she started to say to me, well, then I'm going to start screaming and hitting, and I'm even going to hit you in your surgery knee. As she glared at me with her little angry eyes. A little pause here. I am kind of giggling a little bit because isn't it just so funny when our kids are trying to be threatening, but the way they say something is just super cute. Like, I'm going to hit you in your surgery knee. I mean, come on. That's adorable. But you have to keep a straight face in those moments because your kid is so serious, even if it sounds so funny.

7:14Dr. Katie:And it can be hard to resist to giggle out loud in those moments. I don't want her to think that I'm laughing at her, but it's cute. I will say, though, the reality for me in that moment was that for a hot second, my own anxiety spiked as I imagined my five-year-old laying into the most vulnerable part of my body right now. And I even felt a little wave of anger that she would say something like that to hurt me. She doesn't really talk like that. And there were lots of thoughts and feelings swirling in my mind all at once. I was even feeling a little bit of awe at the sort of manipulation tactic.

7:48Dr. Katie:It was clever. But I also knew that this is not my child's norm. Something was up here, and I had a choice. I could get upset. I could get firm and reprimand her for talking to me that way and carry her out of the mall kicking and screaming, which would have been tough with my current niece situation. Or I could give her some space to feel her feelings and let her know that I was right there with her. Now I will admit here, I have chosen option one in the past. I have been more short-fused or tired or for whatever reason couldn't access my own regulatory tools or more helpful thinking brain strategies at the time, and I have definitely just said that's it, we're out, and left with a crying child over my shoulder in situations like that in the past.

8:39Dr. Katie:On this day, I happened to be carrying a little bit more calm in my body, and my gut told me my daughter really needed me to share my calm with her, not join her chaos. She was really resistant to my attempts to connect at first. She started crying, her voice got louder, and she started repeating in various ways that she wanted something to drink, she wasn't leaving until we got food at the mall, and that I wasn't listening to her. I just crouched there with her. I tried to validate how she was feeling. Her behavior carried on like that for a bit, and then after a while, something really special happened.

9:18She was able to come back into her thinking brain enough to articulate the meaning behind the feeling. She told me, I just don't want to leave. I want more time with you. We just got here. And there it was. The real reason. And then I wanted to start crying.

9:37Dr. Katie:She wasn't that hungry or thirsty, and she didn't really want to buy anything. I mean, maybe she did a little bit, she had her eye on some stuff, but that wasn't the point. She was getting anxious that our special time together was coming to an end, and the closer we got to the exit, the stronger the anxiety of it all hit her. Once we were back home, her little brother would need me, and that special attention would be gone. She actually even went on to tell me that when we're home, I just clean and help her brother and she never gets time with me. I mean, have you had moments like that? That really hit my heart.

10:16Because in some ways, it's true. It was such a tough moment because we really couldn't stay at the mall much longer that day. There was a schedule to keep, but I understood where her anxiety was coming from. I do spend a lot of time cleaning and her three-year-old brother does take a lot of my time. And so now I could really see where the anxiety behaviors were coming from. And this revelation, while it kind of hit me hard, it did help to relax my body a little bit more. And now I had a little bit more clarity on how I could respond. I gave her a big hug. I told her I wanted to spend more time with her too.

10:56and we created a little plan to schedule some lengthier special time together, the first one being the very next evening when her brother went to bed, we'd play a little game together. And this calmed her anxiety enough for us to be able to leave the store without a bigger meltdown and more tears. Since then, it's only been a day or so, but I've reflected on this a lot,

11:19Dr. Katie:as I often do, and that's my anxiety monster at play. And here's what I could have done differently. I know my child is a highly sensitive kid. She has a more anxious temperament. But I can forget how this can impact her behavior sometimes. I go about my day, and I forget that she needs a little more structured preparation to help her manage frustration and sensory overwhelm. But this situation at the mall was a good reminder for me to take a few minutes to set expectations before leaving the house with her. which can be a really simple but very effective tool for helping kids manage anxiety. It can also be a helpful tool for helping kids manage any kind of overwhelm or frustration when you're out and about with them, you know, at the grocery store, restaurants, or the mall, for example.

12:10What I could have done to calm that anxiety is talk through our time frames and the purpose of the trip, set boundaries around purchases. We are not buying any food or drink today, but we'll pack a snack and a water bottle for the car. Set the expectation that this is a quicker trip, and when it's time to leave, it might feel tough, but we'll have more special time tomorrow after your brother goes to bed.

12:35Dr. Katie:Now, would that kind of structure have totally stopped her anxiety as it was time to leave? No, probably not. But it likely would have lessened it. And it would have given her brain some anchors to hold onto to keep her from completely unraveling when it was time to go. And it would have given me some connection points to help her remember our plan when those anxious feelings started to creep in. Another step I could have taken is to bring in the worry monster. I could have said something like, your worry monster is telling you we'll never have special time again, and that your little brother and cleaning will take up all of my time.

13:10And then we could have done something silly to shake that worry out or talk to that worry in some way.

13:18Dr. Katie:Now, that whole long-winded story to illustrate, there are some incredibly effective and simple tools we can use to help our children feel more secure and to decrease that everyday anxiety. Setting those verbal expectations before leaving the house is one of those tools. And now I'm going to talk about another one of my favorites, a true staple in our home, creating visual countdowns. Think about it. Adults use calendars and planners to manage their schedules, and kids benefit from a concrete visual representation of when a change will happen. So they kind of benefit from the same thing that we as adults benefit from.

13:57And this could be as simple as a paper chain where they remove a link each day leading up to an event, or a whiteboard with pictures representing the days until grandma visits or until the trip to the beach. Another example here, if you're going on vacation in five days, you could draw out on a piece of paper five boxes and let your child color one in each day. Or for a parent leaving for a business trip, create a calendar with stickers for each day you'll be gone, and a special sticker for your return. And then the child can put a sticker on each day as they count down to your return. The key is to create a visual with them and give them a role or a part in managing it.

14:40Why does this help? Well, time, and I talked about this a little bit in season one, time is such an abstract concept for kids. And the uncertainty of really knowing how long until a change occurs or something changes or someone comes back can cause a lot of anxious thoughts and feelings to build in their little bodies. Visual countdowns give children a tangible way to track time and understand when the change will occur. And this creates some predictability for them and can significantly reduce that unknown factor, which again is often the root of their anxiety. It empowers them with information and it helps their brains feel more in control,

15:22Dr. Katie:which is going to decrease those bigger behaviors that might bubble up when they start to feel out of control. Some other examples here, situations where this tactic might be helpful. So things like when it comes time for your child to give up their pacifier. And I did this with my child, both of my kids, when it came time to do that, and it worked very well. Another example, moving from a crib to a big bed, moving from pull-ups to underwear, a switch in caregiver doing a bedtime routine, days leading up to a vacation, days leading up to a change in school or starting the school year up again, moving to a new home, a parent having surgery who usually does a lot of the day-to-day caretaking and now will spend most of the time on a couch or in bed for a while.

16:09Dr. Katie:That's my little personal example there. Think of it as any event that's going to cause a disruption in your child's current predictable routine. Another way to go about this is to create a simple story, which we often refer to as a social story or social narrative. And this helps kids understand what is happening or what's about to happen. So this could be a simple story that you type up or you write up or you color, print out some pictures to include. An example would be your child is going to a new school. So it might be titled, Danny is going to a new school. And maybe it's about five pages long and each page says something simple like, my new school will be called X.

16:52I will have a new teacher named Miss Frizzle. Some things will be the same as my old school. I will still have recess and eat lunch in the cafeteria.

17:01Dr. Katie:Some things will be different. I will play on a new playground and I will wear a uniform, for example. I actually saw a Daniel Tiger episode recently that included this language when he was on vacation visiting his grandpère and it made me really happy because it's such a wonderful trick. He said something along the lines of, some things here are different, like where I'll sleep and put my clothes, and others are still the same, like wearing my favorite shirt and having my taigy stuffed animal. And it was really cute, and I was proud of Daniel Tiger, like yes, that's exactly the line of thinking we want when you're doing something new.

17:35Dr. Katie:And in the school setting, we actually create these kinds of simple social stories for kids all the time to help ease their anxiety around changes because a lot of change can happen in the school setting throughout the school year. Most kids really love these and they can be so helpful. Some kids hate them. There is no one size fits all approach, but it is definitely worth trying. And we even did something similar with my daughter when her bedtime routine was shifting during a time when bedtime was really a struggle for her. We took pictures of her doing each part of the routine? Picking out pajamas, brushing her teeth, reading a book, and so on.

18:13And then we put them in order, and she loved looking at the pictures of herself. It helped her understand what was going to be different, and then she also was able to use it as a tool to check off each

18:24Dr. Katie:part of the routine as she went through it, and that helped reduce a lot of the struggles we were experiencing. Okay, next, let's talk about calming the body to calm the mind. When anxiety strikes, it's not just a feeling, it's a physiological experience. Heart rates can increase, breathing can become shallow, and muscles can tense. It's like your body's alarm system is blaring even when there's no real danger. And because anxiety can have such a powerful grip on our physical body, we want to teach our children some simple breathing techniques that can be incredibly powerful at releasing that grip and easing the tension.

19:09Dr. Katie:And these aren't just, you know, feel-good exercises. They're like, they're truly direct lines to telling your nervous system to stand down. First up, belly breathing, which is also known as diaphragmatic breathing. And this is one of my absolute favorites. Okay, yes, I know I say that about a lot of things, but it's true. I really, really love this. For younger kids, we might call it balloon breathing or teddy bear breathing. And what you do is have them lie down on their back and put a stuffed animal like a teddy bear on their belly and then watch that teddy bear go up and down as they breathe.

19:47Or they could just put their hands on their tummy. They inhale through their nose, fill their tummy so much with their breath, and then exhale through their mouth and watch their belly go back down. For older kids and teens, you can introduce it like this. Have them lie down or sit comfortably, again maybe with one hand on their chest or on their belly. Encourage them to focus on making their belly rise as they inhale through their nose, keeping their chest relatively still, kind of this is the more belly breathing, not chest breathing. Then as they slowly exhale through their mouth, their belly should fall.

20:22And the goal here is to

20:23Dr. Katie:breathe deeply into the diaphragm, which is a powerful muscle just below your lungs, it feels different than if you're taking a shallow breath from your chest. And that's the point. We're changing the rhythm of the breathing. We're slowing the body down. Another classic is smell the flower blow out the candle. You may have heard of that one. Inhale deeply through the nose as if you're smelling a beautiful flower. Then you slowly exhale through the mouth as if you're blowing out a candle. And this is a fun one for little kids because they like the imagery of blowing out a birthday candle. It's really simple, it's really effective, and it's a great quick reset when the body's physiology is getting kind of all out of sorts with those anxious feelings.

21:07And then for older kids and teens, you can also introduce a strategy called 4-7-8 breathing. 4-7-8 breathing is another really great technique that helps to slow down the breath and calm the nervous system.

21:21Dr. Katie:And sometimes for older kids, it can just feel a little bit more mature than our, you know, maybe sillier belly breathing techniques. So for this one, you inhale silently through your nose for a count of four, really fill up your lungs. Then you hold your breath for a count of seven. It sounds long, but it really does help to saturate your bloodstream with oxygen and it gives your nervous system a moment to pause. Then you exhale completely through your mouth, making kind of that gentle whoosh sound for a count of eight. You're really pushing all of that air out. And then you repeat the cycle a couple of times.

21:56Dr. Katie:The key here isn't to necessarily do those exact numbers, but it's the ratio that matters. You want to inhale for a shorter count, then hold for slightly longer, then exhale for the longest count. The longer exhale is truly what signals your body and your nervous system to release the tension and to relax. And if those longer sequences are hard for your kids, you can do a little different ratio like 2-4-6. So how does this help? Well, deep, slow breathing, especially diaphragmatic breathing and techniques like the 4-7-8, activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's rest and digest response.