#634 - Sadia Khan - How To Navigate The Dangers Of Modern Dating

25:48And what trauma basically is, it's not necessarily that you're abused or you're attacked or anything like that. Essentially, you had needs that were not met as a child in some way, shape, or form. and children, we're not designed to detach from our parents because we can't survive by being detached from our parents. So we won't ever stop loving our parents who don't meet our needs, but we do stop loving ourselves. We stop investing in ourselves because we're thinking we're not worthy of investment and it's all unconscious. So what happens in relationships is they go into the relationships with the preparation that this person's going to hurt me.

26:23So I have two choices. I either cling onto them for dear life and hold onto them and I can almost live in their skin and monitor their behaviour and try and control everything they do and become preoccupied with them and watch when they're last online and just think, think, think about them all day every day just so they don't leave me but in that desperate attempt to kind of keep them. We end up suffocating them and fighting with them to keep them and the relationship ends. Or you can go down the other route, which is to become completely independent, completely avoidant, emotionally detached, emotionally guarded, and almost have a partner there, but actors if they don't exist.

27:00Have a separate room, don't invest too much, maybe have alternative partners here and have the avoidant route, which I'm sure you've come across before. So we either go extreme anxiety or extreme dismissal and avoidance and that is really the two trauma responses when it comes to relationships. When you're looking at trying to fix somebody's attachment, what are the places that you start up? Um, the first thing I always ask them to remember is your anxiety or your defense mechanism is not symbolic of love. What happens is people seem to think if they're preoccupied with someone and they're thinking about them all day every day and they're trying to control their behavior and they're watching them.

27:39I must be in love. I can't stop thinking about this person. I know he's toxic. I know he's, you're not good for me, but I can't stop thinking I'm watching when he's online. They mistake that preoccupation as love. They think I must be in love with that person when really it's a signal. It's a signal to show that your trauma alarm has been activated. This person is not soothing you or you are finding the problems in this relationship. But either way, it's not a symbol of love. It's a symbol that something's wrong. It's a signal that you haven't been able to soothe yourself or this relationship is not soothing.

28:14So we have to dissect which one it is. Is it the person or is it your own anxieties? So we start with their response or it could be a man that says she's really great. I love her. She's done nothing wrong. She's perfect. But I don't really care about her. I don't really like her. I don't know. I need space. I feel suffocated. But when she leaves, I really miss her and I always get her back. But when she's with me, I always end up texting other girls. That's still a trauma response. There's a part of you that's craving distance, but intimacy at the same time. So we look at it and we try and relabel the behavior, because the avoidant will think, I don't care.

28:46And the anxious will think, I'm obsessed and I care too much. Both of them are defense mechanisms. That dynamic of the guy with the girl, when he gets the girl, it's too suffocating and when he's away from the girl, he's wistful and wishes that he can get back Is a dynamic that I have seen so, so many times. Why is that so common? What is it that's going on inside of the male brain that's causing that? Well, it would be, a lot of men think it's just the chase. They like the chase and once they've got conquered, they no longer like the girl. There's an element of that and that does happen, but majority of the time, it's when the man had emotionally distant parents.

29:25When the parents didn't take the time to truly get to know them and be truly there for them in terms of their emotional needs. What happens is they assume nobody's going to be there for their emotional needs. And the best way the ego defends itself is saying, I don't need anybody to be there for my emotional needs. I don't need to talk about my feelings. I don't need to connect. I don't need someone in my space all the time. So they replace what they didn't get with what they don't want. And so when they meet somebody who's trying to emotionally connect with them, they label it as, I don't need this, go away, leave me alone and they'll distance themselves, distance, distance.

29:59But when she leaves, they're in pieces. So they obviously do need it. They just don't know how to navigate this need alongside their trauma. So they end up pushing away the very people that they love and are trying to love them. And they attract clingy partners. What happens is the avoidant person always attracts the clingy because if a distant independent person met another distant independent woman, they don't have the glue to keep them together. So they also don't feel validated by somebody who doesn't care to see them. But when they meet that clingy partner, they get the validation that I'm loud, but then they don't have to put in the work because they know they'll show love you and cling on to you regardless.

30:36So the clingy and the distant are always together. One of the other common archetypes, I think that I'm seeing at the moment, are people who continue to crave validation even once they're in a relationship. This is facilitated by social media, obviously, the fact that you can get, let's say that you have an argument with your partner and then you decide to post a first -trap photo or you decide to start following a bunch of different girls. Is it cheating? Well, we don't really have any rules around relationships to say, you know, if you want to have sex with somebody, that's definitely cheating.

31:06But this is more kind of passive -aggressive, global. I'm just going to do it. I've got an excuse if they do bring it up. It's because of their insecurity. They almost deserve it because we just had this argument and it's kind of there's a lot more degrees of freedom between in a relationship and out of a relationship and everyone can fuck about in the middle section there. What is it? Why do certain people crave this chaos within relationships and this sort of validation outside of them? Because they've lost touch with themselves. And what I mean by this is if I've had a fight with my partner and my instinct is to go message another man, am I doing it because I want like this other man and I want to speak to this other man or or am I just trying to even out the playing field of this fight?

31:52Am I just trying to even out the score? Now when you're so in touch with yourself and you love yourself and what happens when you love and trust yourself is you go by what you truly desire. You're not trying to win a game, what you truly desire. You don't post a picture online to get comments because you're not in the mood, you're just sort of fight with your partner but when you're playing a game it's game on. every time you've annoyed me, game on. So when I speak to people and clients, especially, they'll say, oh, you know, he's just been liking it another girl. He hasn't called me in a couple of days.

32:23I'm going to go see my ex. I'm like, but just up. Do you want to see your ex? Or are you doing this because you're upset? He hasn't called you. Because if you want to see your ex, go ahead and do it. But if you're doing it because he hasn't called you, you are not connected to yourself. You don't respect or love yourself. You don't know yourself. You are going by what he's making you feel. But take back the control. Go by what you want to do. And if you want to see that, because you would do that even if this partner didn't annoy you, then listen to yourself. But if it's purely to even out the score, I promise you you're going to leave with Shaman guilt.

32:58And Shaman guilt are the two worst emotions a human being could feel because you direct that anger at yourself and it's a chips away at a self -respect. So that's why I think people turn to autonomous. They've lost touch with their authenticity. Are you from a Muslim background? I am, yeah, I'm Pakistani. So we grew up Muslim. Yep, and grew up in the UK and now live in Dubai. Yes. Okay. Given that very traditional in some regards of bringing in terms of the values that you've been raised with. Yeah. What are your thoughts and what are your insights around this current trend of applauding childlessness and demonization of motherhood that we're seeing coming from certain corners of women's advice at the moment?

33:44It's, you know, I have to say it's so alien to me because when you are from my culture, our parents live for their kids. This is all we see. So what will happen, I remember when I used to go to school with my friends who were English and they'd say, oh my mom and dad are going on holiday, oh my mom and dad are going to restaurants, so I'm like, my mom and dad don't go and do anything without us. They just literally, they just live for the kids and their money is saved for the kids wedding days and everything is just like the kids, the kids are kids. They they center around, oh, it probably too much around the children.

34:16So my culture was always like, life starts when you have kids. What are you going to do other than that? That's what life is about. And then going up in an English world where it's slightly more, do what makes you happy. Do what makes you happy. Now I think the balance is, do what gives you a purpose. Now nothing gives you more of a purpose in life than when you have children because their soul, existence, psychological and physical depends on you. And I'm not saying do it because you want to feel loved or anything, but it's the only thing that will exist when you die. So when you don't have children, it's very difficult to see how all this loving memories and intelligence and experiences you've had and not be able to pass that on to somebody.

35:00Wouldn't you, if you've had a fulfilling life, want to then pass that legacy and keep yourself alive throughout the generations. And I think what's happened is we're so pleasure seeking that we, the only thing that is guaranteed is death. And the only thing me and you both know is that we're going to have a funeral. Now if on that funeral there are still remnants of you, that's a life that's a beautiful life and it's going to continue forever. You don't truly die when you have kids. But when on your funeral there's nobody but you've got to travel 100 countries and you got to sleep with every man you wanted, that day is going to come for all of us.

35:36And that's the only day we're guaranteed. We prepare for it by leaving a legacy because that's what we're designed to do. So when we reject that, there must be some kind of trauma somewhere. And you know me, I think my answer to everything is always some kind of trauma, but I do think there's some kind of rejection to your true needs because we're designed to survive and reproduce. So if those things we're rejecting, there's some disconnect with your true needs. I think what it shows is just how powerful culture can be, the fact that you write two things, survival and reproduction. Culture, as of yet, hasn't been able to step in and encourage people to throw themselves in front of open traffic.

36:11But it has been able to step in and how do you say like perturb someone's natural inclination toward having kids. I think my current sort of viewpoint on it is that there's a lot of alternative things that people can do. There is this slow -life strategy. and the costs of having children are immediate and obvious. It's going to stop you from traveling to Bali whenever you want. It means that you're not be able to wear those cute heels that you intended on wearing. It means that you're going to get stretch marks and maybe your body is going to get in weight and maybe blah blah blah. So all of the costs are up front and all of the benefits are kind of down the line.

36:49And even mothers in the moment, their moment to moment experience of the life, isn't that pleasurable, but it's very meaningful. And in a society and a culture that optimizes pleasure of everything else, individualistic, atomized, compartmentalized, hedonic maximization every single second, trying to say, here is a reason that you should sacrifice all of the things right now that you love and society says that you should enjoy for something which is in the moment going to be very difficult and may pay off some dividends down the line and none of your mates are doing at the moment. So there's no mimetic sense of, oh well, you know, I've got this culture of young women that are having kids.

37:29For every person that doesn't decide to have kids, that's another person that isn't influencing the people around them to have kids. And you get this sort of runaway effect like the R -Nort number in from COVID. So I see that. I really do see that at the moment. There's been a lot of talking that's why I flew to next to your country of residents debate about this sort of crisis of masculinity that we're facing at the moment. Do you think there's a crisis of femininity at the moment? Do you think that women are struggling for good role models right now? I do think so. And you know, I know from my personal experience, I don't have a role model online.

38:04I don't have a role model. And if I do have any kind of role models, it will just be like some of the men in the field that I've done really great work in psychology, but I can't tell you there's a single woman that I've ever watched growing up and thought I want to be like her. And that's not because there's anything wrong with the women out there. Maybe it's my values don't connect with current environment. But what I would love to see is how we can embrace every part of being a woman. I just loved being different to a man. I have no desire for complete equality with a man. It just doesn't make me feel good knowing that I can do everything a man can do because I'd rather was the point of view, if we do everything the same, rather you complete the errors of my life where I'm deficient, and I complete errors of your life where you're deficient.

38:50And when I was living in England and working around English environment and stuff, there was such a dessert, what I found with feminists and particularly in the English environment, there's no specimen of human being that is more privileged than the English white woman. In my experience, there's no human on this planet that is more privileged than the English white woman. And when I used to see how much they would complain about the oppression they experienced, and I just thought to myself, you definitely still have more rights than somebody like my father, who's got a bit of an accent, and he's definitely Muslim and stuff like that.

39:27You definitely have more of a privilege than him. And you definitely have more of a privilege than, you know, the Caribbean guys or the Nigerian guys or the Muslim guys when you go to the airport, you definitely have a privilege, but because people are so almost dying to be a victim, they would complain about such small things. I remember they're like being in schools and the teachers were complaining like, oh god, the music here is too many male artists, thus in equality. And I just thought, you don't know what suffering is, you haven't experienced it, but you want to, because it gives you meaning and purpose.

40:02And so I felt,

40:06and this is probably privileged members of society complaining about being oppressed when they haven't seen true oppression. And I always say to feminists that, you know, from that background, like, do you want the privileges of men or do you want the privileges of white men? Because I promise you, if you're an white woman, you don't want to have the same treatment as a black man when you're pulled over by the police or by the airport staff as a Muslim man with a beard. Are you sure you want to be treated like a man or you just want to be treated like a certain type of man? Because I promise you you're very privileged.

40:40And I felt it, even as a woman with what like I have pretty much white skin, I feel incredibly privileged. So I felt like it's not a gender thing. It's a class thing. You have more privileges to your class and your skin tone and your appearance than you do have gender. So I just didn't understand the battle. And that's what led to my disassociation. One of the other problems I think is that a lot of the women that espouse this sort of victim had narrative and say things like we need to smash the patriarchy and shivalry is dead because we don't need men. They are luxury beliefs that are held by women who are sufficiently financially stable and live in a society that is fine for them.

41:22Now, yeah, I'm totally be open to believing that a high -powered female psychologist or lawyer or attorney or whatever, maybe doesn't need to have the man pay for the first date or hold the door open for her or make sure that she gets home safe or whatever because that's she is absolutely fine. Consider for a second the woman that is on benefits living in some rundown counsellor state in the northwest of the UK, who maybe the partner that she's with didn't even complete secondary school. Maybe he has no GCSEs, he had an absent father home, no one ever taught him how to be a man. Perhaps those codes of shivalry weren't constraining to him, they were assisting.

42:05Like things, it is one, as far as I can see, it is one continuum from, you should make sure that your date gets home safe to, you shouldn't hit your wife.

42:16Like that there is an asymmetry in the safety that men and women have. And as soon as you start to open that door, this isn't me saying that, you know, if women want to walk home safe, they're like in 20 years time, they're going to be hit. But my point is that as soon as you accept the fact that there are certain things that men can offer that women can't, as soon as you take those away, men start to ask the question, well, why should I bother doing this and this and this and this and this. And it's start, the dominoes begin to tumble. So a lot of these opinions are held by women for whom they are never going to be affected by the bad externalities of doing it It's the luxury belief of all of the people that live in gated communities with private security saying defund the police Each shit like each shit.

42:57It's got fuck all to do with you This has got nothing to do with your life. This is you being able to proselytize about how much you uphold the the underclass and the working class that are being persecuted by police that come through their neighborhood, you don't live there. You don't do anything wrong. Yeah, and it's exactly that. Here's what it is. Here's what it's like. You know, when you're watching a great football match and you're so engrossed in it, you almost want to wish you supported a team. I don't watch football, but when I watched the World Cup final, I was wishing I was whichever team.

43:28I was like, whoever scored, I was on their team. I wanted to be part of that glory because at least you feel alive. Now, when you're not involved in any kind of oppression, any kind of cause, anything, you start to lose purpose. When you're watching a boring football match, you start noticing how cold it is, how shit the food is. But when you're watching something so exciting, you forget all of that and you feel alive. What I see when I see these incredibly, incredibly privileged women fighting for women's rights, it's like they've watched, they've watched the trauma of other people and they so want feel alive because human nature is designed for survival.

44:05When you've got it so easy, you still crave meaning and purpose, you still crave kind of some kind of hostility. So they jump in the fight that they actually, A, don't need and B, they're already so privileged. And when I see these kind of feminists who are arguing about men's rights and putting men down when while they live this most amazing life, what it screams to me is you're dreaming to have a meaning and purpose. You want to be in that boxing ring and because you don't have it, you're going to put identify with the people that do and almost have a pseudo oppression. And that's what it looks like to me.

44:41You were so great. I'm so grateful to be a woman, especially growing up in the West, speaking English. Do you think I would be here speaking to you? My English accent wasn't like this. What a privilege I have. So to see those people have this complaint that they're oppressed, it's laughable because I'm from a different world when I go back to Kashmir. It's laughable to me because women gender rights don't matter when you haven't got food on the table. Given the fact that there is a challenge perhaps, even the women who are performatively doing this victimhood by proxy thing, they would probably like to have better role models and better values to focus on.

45:21In your opinion, what are the things that can predict a healthy psychology for a woman? Where are the places that affirm that she could stand that would make her life better and would also make the lives of the people around her better. I think the key, I know I talk a lot about how everybody's similar, but in the sense that everybody's also different, it's authenticity. Here's a trick for mental health as a woman. You remain completely and utterly authentic, and you can't know that if you jump on other people's bandwagon, if you imitate the culture around you, if you imitate the other people's experiences, if you adopt values that you have an actually experience.

46:01So a lot of feminists will say, oh, oppress men, men, workplace. And then I'll say to them, who oppressed you at the workplace? Oh, my boss, she was a bitch. I'm like, she was a bitch, yeah. The guy was great. The manager was great. He was lovely, but the woman, so I'm asking them, what is your lived experience? Is it really that men have ever been oppressing you? No, they've never actually treated me that badly. Right. The moment you lose touch with your authenticity, you start living in a delusion. And when we live in a delusion, we are almost, we're just, it's a predictable slow and steady suicide emotionally and psychologically.

46:33So it's start to live according to your authenticity. What do you truly want? Well, do you truly want to sleep with this guy to look cool and act like a bad bitch? No, you don't. How do you feel afterwards? I feel shit. So why are you doing it? Do you really want to text your ex after a fight with your boyfriend? No, but I just want to get even. Why are you doing it? Do you truly want to post that picture of you out there and just have to deal with the answer order and do you truly feel good when you post on that only fans know but I just want to bag. What do you want to do with that bag? I don't know.

47:01I don't even use them. Stay in touch with your authentic self. I promise you it's secure to any psychological or mental health issue. Do the equivalent but for men. I'm sorry. Do the equivalent that you've just run through there but for men? The authenticity side. I would say it's similar to the... I would say it's the same thing for men. I think if you want strong psychological health, slightly different, I would say for men. The key for a man is self -control. For women, it's authenticity. You have to say authentic as possible because our body tells us so much. Our body will tell you when you're craving a child, when you're getting angry, when you're getting hostile, because our hormones are all over the place.

47:40For a man, your body sometimes speaks against you. It will crave pleasure all the time. Your key to successful mental health is complete and utter self -control. In terms of your mind, body and soul, you control what you consume. You don't watch everything, you don't go into a desire. You control who you put yourself into. You don't go and sleep with everyone, everyone, anyway. You actually gain far more self -esteem when you reject women than when you accept women. There is that man that has a, women that he's rejecting feels far greater than that man who can't say no to anybody because he's jumping at the opportunities.

48:19Self -control, even with what you eat. When I have clients that come to me and they've got a bit of depression, I don't, I say to them, until you go to the gym, until you lose weight, there's no conversation that mean you can have that will change your self -esteem. It won't do it. Because mean you can have a great conversation, but when you go and take a shower or when you go and get undressed in front of a woman, everything I've said to you won't mean anything. So self -control with what you eat. go work out, don't have to have a suspect but self -control. Now, when a man practices self -control, he becomes such an unshakable being, because none of his friends can make him drink alcohol if he doesn't want it.

48:56No woman can make him spend money on her if she doesn't want to. No gambling machine can make him waste money if he doesn't want it. He becomes indispensable as a man. So, self -control, I really believe, is the root of a man's self -esteem. I think one of the interesting circles that's difficult to square in some of the corners of men's advice at the moment is that Self -control and self -mastery are a big deal that you should train hard You should be disciplined you should get up on time do your cold plunge and your sauna and your gym workout and work on your business and read and Be able to quote Marcus Aralius, but as soon as you have a plethora of women that are in front of you You should sleep, but there's many as you want.

49:38So self control is not last. Right. Stop at the boundaries of the penis, which is a, an odd sense of the most dangerous place to stop because children, keyword, most dangerous place to stop yourself. Control is down is your penis because your penis is responsible for life. Now, if you don't master self control when it comes to who you're having sex with, you are now in a, we're living in a times where pregnancy is everything favors women. You get the wrong woman pregnant for the rest of your life. You are tied to this woman and you can go to jail for not paying child support for a woman who might even be lying, who might not even, you might not even be the father of a child.

50:18That's what a risk having sex with low quality or low quality people means. You risk the rest of your life. It's a death sentence if you get the wrong person pregnant and even if you don't, I always say it lowers your standards. You can't be doing that. So this is what I don't understand a lot about the masculine kind of frame, especially you online dating for the younger generation, they teach men to just have no discipline when it comes to sexual behaviors. What do you think about that? I think it is. You're a man for asking you because maybe it's something I'll never understand. I'm not sure.

50:51I think that there is so much status assigned to being attractive and being chosen by women. And you know, everything else that you do is a proxy for that in any case. Maybe some of it is to do with survival, but the nice car and the fancy watch and the red bottom LaBoutons and the follow account on Instagram and the blue take and all of that stuff, they are all proxies for look at my make value go up, right? And the most direct way that you can prove to yourself that your make value is high and you can prove to everybody around you that your make value is high is to sleep with women. And you know, I've worked in the nightlife industry for 15 years.

51:29So I saw this first time I was in the trenches of all of this stuff that was going on. This is the the currency that everybody is using. So I understand, I understand why it's there. I mean, you know, none of this, none of these conversations were happening 15 years ago. Nobody was saying, guys, maybe you should try and keep it in your pants. Maybe the height of masculine essence isn't going and sleeping with as many women as possible because these conversations simply weren't around. Well, I'm sure if you'd read enough books, you would have probably been able to reverse engineer them, but they weren't happening as excessively as they do now.

52:04So I think that that's the reason that it happens, but I would agree. I think that if you are taking your sense of self -worth from your body count as a guy, it's a very fragile place to take it from. They're just has to be something deeper than that. Yeah, well, what I always say is men that sleep around with a lot of women or chase women, especially if she's like a quarter of their age and stuff, like that. It's no different to a man with new money. When a man grew up with money, you don't see him posting his Lamborghini, his watches and stuff like that. It's just what his dad had a Rolls -Royce used to get dropped in an limousine to school.

52:41He'd never post about this stuff because he gets on a private jet to go to places. That guy doesn't post about money because it was never a deprivation. Now, when you're sleeping with so many women and especially when it's like just a shortcut for status, what that signals is there was a deprivation in self -esteem. At some point in your life there was some rejection from women and you're compensating by having no frugality when it comes to selecting a woman now. So for me when I see a man sleeping with lots of women, I don't actually see it as a status symbol, maybe because my brain is psychologically programmed.

53:14I see as compensationary satirity for low self -esteem as child. Just like the man that's posting is brand new watching, is brand new car, perhaps he didn't grow up with wealth. So it's the same thing when you show that you're speaking with a lot of women. To me, it signals you couldn't have got a lot of women when you're growing up and perhaps it's now time to make up for lost time. It's a selection mechanism as well, right? Because there is a large cohort of guys that can't get laid and what you're doing is you're advertising to the world. I'm not one of them. I don't, you don't need to worry about me.

53:45I'm not part of that particular group of pathologically broken, alone, terminally, it's in solitude men. One of the other things that's happened is a, how do you say, reverence for the Middle East and for the values that have been coming out of that. What is unique about the dating scene in Dubai? Let's say that there's someone listening who's never been or that they know about Dubai is what they've seen on a couple of TikTok videos, what's interesting and what different about the dating scene? Dubai is not very representative of the Middle East and it's got completely different culture to like Muslim values and culture in general.

54:26The reason being is it is a playground for the rich and beautiful. The entire city is Beverly Hills. So what happens is the richest men in the world flock to Dubai, it's got amazing perks if you want to make a lot of money, it's just it's where it is. And any city where there's rich men, there are beautiful women. It's just always the case wherever there's rich men, there's beautiful women. So the playground is completely different. It really separates the men from the boys, both for men and women. So what happens is the woman has to really feel like everybody's a competition. So if she has a work on anything besides her looks, she's going to find it's very...

55:04It's a difficult place to meet people because if you think you're the prettiest girl in the room, there'll be another pre -gale. There'll be another pre -gale. So it's hard for her to stand up. And for the rich guy, if he leads with money, he will learn that's not enough for the women out here, because she knows 100 million is. So what happens is both these people who brought their kind of, their trophies to come to Dubai, the beautiful guy on the rich man, realize that here it's a dime a dozen. So you have to bring something else to the table, but the problem is the culture and the environment is so distracting.

55:38It's difficult for partnerships to connect and last a week, don't time even though everybody's craving it. Most people here are experts. They haven't got their mom and dad and cousins and family. So they're craving a sense of home, but because it feels like it's so far -fetched, like the ego defenses come in and they just think, well, I might as well just play in the mud while I'm here. So it's slightly different to the rest of the Middle East, I would say. Do more options mean more happiness? It's the exact opposite. More options means less happiness. They've done so many studies where they looked at people's reactions to food in a food court compared to a home -cooked meal.

56:16Or even paintings with lots of choices or just given one. There's always higher satisfaction when there is no alternatives. Because your brain then doesn't imagine alternatives. But our brain has this ability where it can literally experience what we imagine. If I say to you, imagine ketchup on ice cream, you can almost taste that. You can almost taste that. If you think about it enough, you can taste it. When you have alternatives, imagining the alternative is enough for you to start a desire there. And when you don't have alternatives, you kind of stay focused. But when you do have alternatives, it means the satisfaction is reversed.

56:53So in a place like Dubai that is swimming with lots of people, with lots of money, and lots of women filled with lots of silicon, there are a lot of distractions. And the finalist's distractions. And even if it's not the women, it's the environment. Restaurants are fantastic, the bars and clubs and stuff to do. The beaches are amazing. The water will dance for you. Sit and have dinner and the water will go up. There is just such a... A so much pleasure everywhere. I mean, it really suits me well because I am quite extra... And I would never say in a bad way for me, it works well. But for anybody who craves more of a calm, peaceful environment, and I don't know how conducive a city like this would be.

57:34I think that you're right. I wonder about what the Muslim community thinks of the recent trend of white Western guys saying that they're going to convert, that they're now going to follow. Has this been a conversation that you've had with your dad or anybody from you? Yeah, do you know what? It's becoming common. I do think Andrew has a part to play in that. I think Andrew has had a part to play in it. And I think in general, it's, I think what's happened is the left has become so loud that people are seeking conservatism again. And I think that because Dubai has become popular and the idea of the whole gender debate and women becoming so promiscuous, now people are thinking, I need a solution.

58:23I need a fix. If you're looking for not promiscuous women, Dubai is not necessarily the place to go. And if you're looking for a real representation of Islam, Dubai is also not the place to go. The last place to go, I would say. If you're looking for a non -Premiscuous woman, there is nowhere worse than Dubai, because the promiscuity in Dubai amongst men and women. But like I always say, it's the only city in the world where the women are far more promiscuous than the men. Far more, because what's happened to the women, and I don't want to say too much, but what's happened to the women that come to rich cities is they come emotionally detached.

58:58They come with the idea that I wanna meet a rich man. Now that woman is completely different to the woman that comes to a city and says, I wanna fall in love and have kids. Now that emotionally detached woman who comes I wanna good life is never emotionally invested. And here's the mistake a lot of rich men make. They seem to think that if they can support a girl and give her a good life, loyalty is a given. But what they're forgetting is a woman that craves a good life doesn't seek emotional intimacy. She seeks financial intimacy. Now any woman who doesn't seek emotional intimacy is far more likely to stray.

59:34So they're the most likely to be cheated on is these men that spoil their women. Because loyal women want to be spoiled by time. They don't want to be spoiled by possessions. And a lot of the successful men don't have time. So they naturally filter out loyal women and get the ones that are okay with a financial investment. That's again, another difficult sort of hypocrisy or tough circle to square from men's advice around the, you know, looking for emotional intimacy is simping for women, but paying them in gifts and flying them all over the world is somehow being high value. The problem, the problem with that is that you are making an incredibly fragile foundation upon which to build that relationship.

1:00:14Now, the cope from that going one order down is, what doesn't matter? I'm not bothered about building a relationship because using them and like discard them will just get onto the next one. And you go, okay, well, in that case, we're not really talking about the same thing. One person is having a discussion about how to sleep with lots of women and use their air miles as much as they can. And another person is looking for a relationship. And I think that one of the concerns is much of the advice that gets put out on the internet is given by men that are optimizing for short -term relationships, but taken by men who actually want to be optimizing for long -term relationships.

1:00:50Yeah. If you're super high in sex drive, super high in sociosexuality, super low inagribleness, super low in commitment, very commitment of a very avoidant attachment, you are going to construct a world in which your philosophy meets those desires for yourself. But if that's the most popular creed that's put out on the internet, and all of these guys who don't have that same baseline of personality do begin to think, well, maybe, maybe this is what I should be doing. Maybe this is what should fulfill me. You, yeah, you end up using a philosophy that was designed for a different machine than the one that you are.

1:01:28Yeah, exactly that. And it is a thing with a kind of, here's what being a simp is, right? Here's, let me just summarize what it is. This not about loving and investing in your partner, which is often the case. They seem to think that anybody who loves or invests or wants a long -lasting who is loyal is a sim. Here's what being a sim is. A woman crosses your boundaries and you still accept and not only accept you try and get her back. That's what simping is. You everybody's got different boundaries but if you've seen a woman cross your boundaries many times you've seen unacceptable behaviour and instead of them withdrawing your love you then shower her with more love to get her back.

1:02:04That I can understand is a sim but somebody who vets a woman correctly and then it puts, explains their boundaries. And here's what a boundary is, it's very simple. The moment you feel something is not great, you communicate it. You don't test your partner to see if they break it again. And so you just say, look, I don't like it when you don't call me after a night out. I just want to make sure you've got home okay. It's, oh, I don't like it. I think that outfit's a little bit too revealing on a night out. Can you just be a little bit more mindful? You say your boundaries. Now, if you don't say your boundaries and you allow a woman to completely disrespect them, even though you're feeling it.

1:02:40You know in your soul she's disrespecting your boundaries, but you're still begging her to be with you. And she's doing unacceptable behaviour and you're still begging her, then you fall into the category of a sim. But that can happen with women, men, anyone can do that. But strong boundaries create good neighbours. The moment we put our boundaries up, people then know how to behaviour others, and we become simp free. We've become immune to being a sim. But if you have no boundaries, but you're learning the tricks of how to get women, Oh, I pay for a woman here, but you've got no boundaries and she's cheating on you and you're still paying for Then you're not learning what actually is creating the Second stances for a healthy connection What are you looking forward to working on over the next couple of months?

1:03:19What's the impact that you want to have? I think what I would love to focus a little bit more on is the impact of pornography one men I think pornography has had a huge impact on men and women and And I would love to kind of focus, if I could have one mission in this whole kind of social media space, it would be to draw light to the impact of pornography on mens mental health, because what pornography does is it teaches men, women are wild and are promiscuous. So in the real world, they look for wild and promiscuous women without realizing that wild and promiscuous women then breaks their boundaries and hurts them and they end up in a slow suicide in the form of depression and they don't realize that it's all connected.

1:04:05Whereas if they stop sexualizing women so much through the use of pornography, they would have higher standards of what they accept and want in a woman and then they could maintain a relationship better and then that depression would slowly disappear. But I think pornography is kind of where I would love to focus on and also just kind of undoing some of the damage from the red pill conversation. How would you mean? I feel like it's done the exact terrible impact that feminism had at women's belief about men. Red pill kind of did the exact same for men. It gave them a home for the men that hate women.

1:04:42It gave them a home, but it's in the wrong hands. It's okay when it's in the hands of psychologists and people who understand human nature, but when it's in the hands of a 27 -year -old boy who just wants to make it in a social media or somebody whose life experiences just making tiktoks. And he's the one teaching men how to view women. It's dangerous. It's super, super dangerous. So I would love to undo the damage of some of that. Where should people go if they want to check out more of the stuff that they do? Of what they do or what? What you do. Oh, what I do. Sorry. I saw the psychology on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok.

1:05:20So Xardia Psychology I tend to put everything up on using the same handles. So if you do want to find more and I also do one -to -ones if you do want any kind of one -to -one coaching, I am available. Xardia, I really appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you.