#645 - Emily Morse - Why Is Everyone Having Such Bad Sex?

26:53We're going to be in our heads, which means we're not in our bodies. So that's just a huge factor. And again, I think that people don't often see that connection between their lifestyle and their mental health and their sexuality. There's also shame as we covered that if we have shame around our bodies, around our sexuality, around how we show up, thinking that we shouldn't be having sex, it's going to be really hard to have connected intentional sex. It really is. And then trauma, if we have unhilled trauma, any kind of trauma, big T -trauma, little T -trauma, that our body is in fight or flight, and we are disassociated during sex, also going to make it difficult for having sex.

27:40Those are some of the things. All of these, well, no, trauma to me feels like something, especially big T -trauma is the sort of thing that it's not just enough to speak to your partner about, right? You probably are going there. Yeah. I need therapy. Listen, we all need therapy. We all need, I believe, that we all could use therapy at some point in our life. I mean, it's just like getting a second opinion in your life. We do it in our business. Right? We get a business coach or we get a car breaks down. We go to the mechanic. Like if our relationship or our mental health, it just, yeah, I'm just a huge fan of therapy.

28:11I really can't believe it's something that people still don't realize that they could use. And it doesn't have to be like a traditional once a week therapist. is people can find other ways to kind of do that internal work. I just think it's so important. I mean, another thing that's really keeping us from pleasure is medications. I don't think that we realize that antidepressants, birth control pills, some blood pressure medications will directly impact our libido, our blood flow, our ability to get a rouse turned on, erect, lubricated, wet. And so again, the disconnect with lack of information, I mean, no one's reading the side effects on the side of a pill bottle, but they probably should or maybe they heard it and they're like, oh, but it doesn't really affect me.

28:53It absolutely does. And these are also things we have to pay attention to so you can talk to your doctor about it, your medical doctor, and you can say, I'm not okay with these side effects. Are there other things that I can do? These SSRIs are causing me to be basically impotent. Have you had Dr. Sarah Hill on your show? No. Lady, this is your brain on both control? No, but I've had a few other birth control people on, but no, I haven't. but I'll write it down. It'll be similar stuff to what you've seen, but she's phenomenal and she looks at it through an evolutionary lens, which is great. And she's got some obviously really pretty window shift stuff in there, which is interesting too.

29:26But they did a study with natural cycles, the thermometer under the tongue people. So they actually worked with the company to have an in -app study that was done. All of the women who are on the natural cycles app are currently off -birth control, because why the fuck would you be tracking a cycle if you're on birth control? Right. They surveyed a bunch of the users and asked whether they met their partner when they were on birth control or when they were off birth control. They then asked them to rate their current level of sexual satisfaction with their partner. And I think in the app there is a journal entry that asks you to put your current level of arousal or sexual desire or something like that.

30:07They were then able to compare the level of sexual satisfaction from women that had met their partners when they were on and are now off or met their partners when they were off and are now still off. Women who met their partners when they were on birth control and are now off had a lower level of sexual satisfaction with their partner, but both groups had the same level of sexual desire and arousal. So no difference in terms of sex drive, but a marked difference in terms of how much they were attracted to their partner. And you go, okay, has anybody ever told any girl ever when they go to go and get birth control at age 16 or something, beware that the partner that you end up with, if you then decide to get off birth control, maybe you're married, maybe you've been together for four or five years and you've never released yourself from this hormone -injuice stupid and you go, holy fuck, I'm in a relationship with somebody that I'm not that sexually compatible with when I don't have a ton of progesterone flowing through me.

31:05It's really terrifying and fascinating. Yeah, no, it is I actually talk about the study in the book and I didn't know I think it was I wonder Was the same study was Sarah hell I don't I don't know that's the name of it But I this is a known study that's been around that we do talk about a lot that it's just there are so many Factors that when women take a birth control pellet 16 17. They don't realize that it's going to impact There that they're more at risk for depression for anxiety for, yeah, reduce libido for concentration problems, diet for their, for their, you know, just everything. I did your levels of like, everything.

31:44I mean, I just, yeah, I mean, I took the pill for a year. I don't remember. And it was always like a non -pill. Like, back and now there's more information. This is why I'm so thrilled. There's so many people talking about this. But I remember going to the doctor. I was on it for like, you know, 10 years and they'd be like, are you on any medication? And they'd be like, oh, just the pill. Like, it was never, no one ever talked about side effects ever. It was just that's what you do. You don't I mean it's just crazy to think now with all the information We have how harmful it is. Well, that's that's one of the pieces of advice I definitely give to people which is if you and your partner are thinking about getting married and your Misses has been on birth control for the entirety of your relationship You you really really need to get her to come off this before you commit to buying the house Getting the dog doing the marriage starting the family because and it's brutal to say like you know we are inexorably linked to our psychology and our biology work in tandem with each other and you just don't know how different the texture of your partner's mind could be if she comes off birth control and you go fuck like this doesn't work and and it's a non -zero number of beats I can not an insignificant number of people to whom this happens so yeah I think that's important to going back to the communication thing Someone's listening to this and they go, that's me and my misses.

32:59We don't talk about sex as openly as we should do. This sex IQ thing sounds like I've never even considered it. What is the best process for beginning a conversation, opening up this world of talking about sex with your partner? The best thing to do is to find a space and time to talk about it. I talk about the three T's of communication. I have a communication guide on my site. It's like Timington and Turf. This is a great tool for any kind of sexual conversation that you want to have, but you want to make sure that you are first off that you're entering any of these conversations from a place of curiosity and compassion and being intentional that this conversation is going to be about our collaboration and about us coming together in a place where we want to learn more about each other rather than defensive.

33:57Like why don't you ever go down on me? Why aren't you initiating sex? There's so much anger and hostility around sex. So timing tone and turf is pick a time when you guys are hanging out in its chill. It's not when you are, you know, Not in a good chill space. It's like now when you've been like fighting or whatever. It's like date night And the tone is like you're saying that immediately after a rampant argument saying why do you never go down on me? Isn't that terrible? It does never receive well, but people but can they throw it in? People throw it in man. They throw it in at the time station and then the turf That's the most important thing to remember is that it's outside the bedroom We I people do not have these kind of conversations when you are in the bedroom when you are in a heightened state of a rouse already, or you're upset about something, I would just love everybody to keep their bedrooms for sleeping and for sex.

34:44What about tone? The tone is light and curious and it's open and it's collaborative and I give a lot of tools in the book for actually, I mean, I give scripts upon scripts because what I know after 20 years that people were like, I still don't know how to do it. Like even though I talk about timing tone and turf, like it's light, it's open, and you're not defensive, you're learning how to be, you know, some active listening tools for people to learn to how to actually reflect and listen. A lot of us, we just don't listen, we talk, and we don't actually hear what our partner's saying. So there's methods to repeating back to what your partner says to make sure that you are hearing each other.

35:20And the other thing to remember is that it's not a one time conversation. My vision is for couples to have this conversation all the time. I mean, you know, just giving. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't do your parents around the table, but when you're like, you know, yeah, we're ever because Like you talk about date night, right? Like what are we gonna do tonight? Where are we gonna go in our vacation? What what what don't you talk about your own personal goals or your work goals? I know my partner I talk a lot about like what our goals are professionally and personally and health goals and all those things But like we talk about our sex life.

35:53I think we're like, okay, we're going away. What what toys should we bring? What should we do? What's our like thing that we're into this week, this month? Should we like I know when there's times that I'm turn on or not or he's like should we have sex? We literally talk about it. It's so hot because it's not Confused there's no confusion around my sexuality. There's no like Resetments are are we gonna sex we're not gonna sex because we're like just like are we ordering in? Are we cooking dinner? Are we having sex? Are we not like and then we clear all the confusion and upset stuff around sex, the weirdness and the thing that we just know, like when we want to do it, it's kind of like going to the gym.

36:31You know, like for your workouts, you optimize it like a great hack is to put your shoes out the night before, sign up for your class, have a trainer, keep yourself accountable. Is that what you're saying? You leave cues around the house so the butt plug is next to the Nutri Bullet just in case you want to have sex right? Exactly. And it's always hard. My assistant charges my sex toys. I'm not kidding you. They're always ready to go. I hope that you pay your assistant unbelievably well. They're already clean. She just turns them. Yeah, we should organize it in my whole life. She charges my laptop.

36:59She charges my iPad. Oh, yeah, everyone here. We've got a doc. We've got everything. We've got the AirPods. We've got the butt plug. We've got everything in the nice clean line. Yeah. Get tactical for a second. What are some of the favorite scripts that you have for how somebody should broach discussion about sex with their partner? Um, honestly, one of my favorite ways to do it is once we, because that timing to an entire conversation could just be, hey, I realized we've never talked about our sex life. I was listening to this great podcast and they said that couples who talk about sex actually have better sex.

37:35So because this, because literally, you're like, if I, you have to remember this, when you approach your partner, if you've never talked about sex, there's a pretty good chance they're going to go into fight or flight. They're gonna be like, why are you bringing this up to me? What am I doing wrong? Oh my god, my penis really is as small as I thought. Or not as hard or not. Oh, you don't like my breasts. There's just a million things we go to this place. Not like, oh great. You want to talk about our sex life? That is, I've been waiting for that too, babe. No, it's usually met with like animosity and fear.

38:07So just why the tone is so important and the timing and just saying, listen, I realize that this is something that, you know, we haven't talked about. but I want to have a growth mindset around our sex life and I hope that you do too. I hope that this can be a place where we can grow and learn together and evolve. You know, would you be down for that? So that's just that's just the general conversation. But let's say there's something that you really want to, you know, you want to give feedback too. You want to give some constructive feedback. I love the compliment sandwich. The sexual compliment sandwich is when you start with, you know, a compliment.

38:40You start with something that you really love about the sex life. like, oh god, last night was so hot. I love when you, maybe my desire is to kiss more, right? Do you know that in long -term relationships, kissing is one of the first things that goes. We stop kissing, we stop making out. Remember early on, like if as long make out sessions and sex lasts a lot longer. Well, maybe I've learned that kissing is a big part of my arousal process. So I would say, I really love the sex we're having. It was so hot last night, I loved the way like you silly and dressed me and it was so, the orgasms and it was that butt plug.

39:14You really like use that really well last night bait, but I realized, and this is when you get to the constructive part, is that, you know, I really miss our kissing. And for me, I know we kiss a little bit at the beginning, but I think it would be so hard if we could kind of bring back in some of those make -out sessions, and then you end it with why would be great for both of you? Because I think the more we kiss, the more connected we're gonna feel, and I know I'll be way more turned on and down from more sex. So you just sort of, yeah. Well, one of the things I guess almost everybody has performance anxiety in one regard or another, right guys for how long they can last and Girls for whether or not they're doing it right and I think that trying to work out a way to dampen the Landing to just make it a little bit more gentle is is probably pretty important because you don't want to trigger a Response in somebody that worsens the situation.

40:04I think that that's one of the reasons that people fear bringing this up Is well, how's my partner gonna respond? Exactly. I'm trying to improve our sex, but what if I make it worse? What if I make them more self -conscious? Yeah. Well, I think that if you're in a relationship where you can be super vulnerable about your insecurities and your challenges, and I hope, I mean, my hope is everyone's in a relationship where they can, they're able to talk about other areas like, oh, my boss at work didn't treat me so well today or I'm feeling, I didn't get that raise or I didn't get that thing and you're vulnerable.

40:36But sex is the same way. So if you have and see, hopefully your partner is coming it from like a loving place, like if you're giving feedback and you're trying to grow into the sex life and try to evolve it. So it's interesting and hot for both of you that we can take some of the shame and trust and know that your partner is with you because they love you and they're attracted to you and they find you sexy and hot and that all the things that I want people to take a moment here and really hear what I'm saying, that most of the things that you are worried about when it comes to sex. Your performance, your penis size, your body shape, the way you're doing, giving performing oral sex, the way you're breasts, your left boobs, your beginning right, but whatever the things you're worried about have like literally zero to do with any sort of pleasure or satisfaction.

41:21And people tell you they have the best sex. It was never because of like the shape of the penis that all these things, it's about connection, it's about intimacy, it's about feeling safe, it's about experimenting, it's about really being with someone where you want them to have the most pleasure and they want the same for you. It's a collaboration. It's a beautiful dance. And so if I can leave this planet and let people realize it, like all of this is okay, you are normal, your fantasies, your desires, it's all fine that you have to make peace with yourself and then find a partner that's open to collaborate with you on this and have these conversations.

41:58Like that's the biggest roadblocks is our own fears around sex and worry. What are you hearing from women about what they wish that their partners would do more or less of in the bedroom? I'm aware that this isn't a one -size -fits -all. I'm aware that every woman's body and fantasies are individual, but are there some common trends that you're hearing from women about things that are commonly do's and don'ts, mores and lasses? Hmm. I would say that across the board, and this is probably nothing new, that women want more, they want sex to be slower. I say they go five times slower than you think.

42:36Slow everything down, kissing, undressing, making out. If you're going down on your partner, like don't be like the one like wonder, stay down there a little bit longer. If you heard me earlier, it takes women anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm. I think that women want slowness. I think they want intentionality. They want compliments. They want to feel a door, they want to feel worship, they want to feel beautiful. Components go a long way. The brain is our largest sex organ. So, you know, besides our skin, people always get on me for that, but find our skin also is important. You know, so I think that the more that we can connect sexually, I often say for play all day or for play starts after the last orgasm.

43:16So what can you do in the times in between sex to say connected and hot and keep it sexy, whether it's like, sexting, sending pictures, telling your partner what you want to do next what you remember about the last time you had sex. Keeping sex top of mind, keeping your pilot light lit. Because when you just like think about, I'm always going to use the analogy of the gym, like you start working out every day, you're feeling great and then you don't go for a while, you don't go for a month and it's a lot harder to get back in there. The same thing goes for sex. So I think that we all, not just women, remember, we want to keep that fire going, we want to keep it lit.

43:51So I think that I just hear that we want more, like we don't want to just be going about our lives and then there's this expectation we should just want to go and have sex because our partner does. So I think that we have to remember that women are slow -cookers typically and men are like frying pans. So you can just remember that that we've got more bells and whistles and buttons and things that have to happen for us to be aroused. Again, not once I spit all. There's some women who feel differently but overall in my 20 years of work this is what I found that we need a little bit more the little bit more of everything to keep us to keep it keep it hot and keep it interesting and collaborative.

44:29You mentioned about instigating sex. And I think that initiating sex from all of the, I used to run an event in business, so I saw a lot of 18 to 25 year olds that were in and out of relationships, making up and breaking up and stuff like that. And one of the most common disagreements that was hard around sex seemed to be who was initiating it, how it was initiated communication about trying to start it. A lot of the time I think girls not instigating which can sometimes cause guys to feel not desired. That's kind of a bit of a lame thing for a guy to admit to because you go well if I don't feel desired that what even is that that's kind of a bit of a feminine trait that undermines my masculine confidence and essence that makes me less of an alpha or a high -value man.

45:20What have you come to believe or learn about instigating sex philosophically, tactically? What do you think? I think that we all need to initiate and instigate sex. I think that it has to be a two -eighth street. I think that there's, I also want to say that I get why usually in relationship there's one person initiates more than the other. That's just how it is. Usually there's a high desire partner or in a low desire partner. And typically those people get together in a relationship. And so one person's always initiating, but what happens is there's just this, yeah, what happens is that then they get into this challenge where if you're always the one who's driving the thing, it gets exhausting.

46:01You're not even sure that your partner wants to. And then they're the one who has the power, the low desire partner has the power and the relationship. They're the one who's deciding is the sex going to happen to sex. Not going to happen. So that can be exhausting too to be like, well, why am I not desired? Am I not why aren't you making an effort? But I think again, everything begins with these patterns, right? We get into patterns and we're like, well, the sour sex happens. You make the move and I follow. But the challenge around it is, yeah, if someone feels rejected, they feel like they're doing all the work.

46:31They don't know that they're desired and it does seem like it's a feminine thing. But we all have feelings and emotions and want to feel loved and adored and safe. That is just blurs across gender lines. So the thing about initiation is it's really important to realize that it's a skill set That you might not be as used to it. You might not have done it And you might not know what it looks like, but it's okay to tell your partner too because these are the kind of conversations I want people I have I Know that you want me to shape more. I mean this could be one of our conversations if you're in a relationship It's a you know, I feel like babe.

47:02I know I love sex that we're having But I feel like I'm always making the effort and I would love to know that you're down with sex too. Doesn't it never just strike you? Don't you ever just wanna grab me? Like I grab you, like I see you, I walk in the door and I wanna throw you down in the bed, but you never do that to me and I would just love if you did, would you be down with that, right? Well you do it in a much more. You wouldn't say never and you would do it if way. However, the problem is I might hear that. And to be honest, I will be really vulnerable. I'm not the initiator as much in my entire sexual history.

47:33I typically rely on my partner to initiate. But I've had a few partners say to me, you know, again, it's my life work, but still I need to initiate. So what I've realized is that what I need to do is it's just not in my habit. I don't get struck by it. Like, like, my guys do that I'm with, I'm just not that person. I am somebody who is more responsive. I respond to stimuli. So there's like, we get, there's people who are spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal. And again, I hate to do this stuff with gender, but usually men are more spontaneous and women tend to be more responsive. So I'm responding to my partner's kiss on my neck.

48:10He came and he grabbed me, he did something, he sent me a sexy text, I'm responding to that. Okay, so knowing that about myself and my partner's saying he wants me initiate more, I had to then do a trip of my brain and say, okay. Since I know it's not gonna strike me over that, I have to think about when am I gonna initiate? And then I'll plan it. I'm like, okay, well, I know that the house has to be clean. The dishes have to be dishwasher. It has to be warm. I have to have worked out, feel good, showered. The bed has to be made. My toys are charged, the loobs out. Right? I mean, there's things that need to happen.

48:41I don't want to do it early in the morning because I don't want to miss my workout. And I got to get up and workout. So like, and I think that in saying this, hopefully people are thinking about this too because what I encourage and what smart sex is all about, is about getting smart about your rousal, your desire so you can hack it and you know, like this is exactly what needs to happen. So then I have to think about it. So that's one thing. I'm like, these are all things that happen. And then literally another thing to do is say into your part if you're still like, but I still can't do it, I still can initiate another piece of advice I give is ask your partner, I thanks for letting me know where, but I know you want me to initiate more.

49:14What would that look like to you? What would a really hot initiation look like? Because maybe in my heads and then perfection, so I'm thinking it has to be like some elaborate thing where I'm like, naked on the bed, wearing lingerie with rose petals everywhere, right? And maybe I invited another woman over, like I don't know what's hot. It's at your fantasy, who knows? But literally, you might be like, I just want you to grab me and just kiss me. I just want you to make out with me. I want you to come behind me and catch and put your arms around me. I want you to send me a naked photo. Like, and then I have some fodder.

49:46Then I know, I'm like, oh, that's easy, right? And then it's less fearful, it's less scary. It becomes a habit again, and you realize, that's no big deal. It's literally no big deal. I did it and I'm done. Let's move on to some other sex problems. So it's really again I just try to get into the new ones nitty gritty of where people get stuck and that's what after all these years I realized these this is a really common thing the initiation thing is huge and the thing is it might not sound like it's a big deal But when you realize it you when you think you're the only one pulling the sexual weight in a relationship It builds into resentment then those Resetments get out of control and there's a lot of happening So let's just nip it in the bud.

50:23The second you start having sex with someone's, when you should start talking about all of these things, right? And if you haven't yet, that's cool too, but start to understand who you are as a sexual being. Here's something else that I noticed a lot, especially throughout my 20s, which was conversations that I had with some of my close guy mates about how it was always expected and almost resented, I think, sometimes from the girls if they weren't hot to trot at all times. that there is an expectation that the man is the sexual protagonist and that the woman is the sexual gatekeeper and she's going to respond when you are forthcoming but that if the reverse happens and you're not immediately just ready to go or you don't fancy it this evening or you are whatever that that's much more accepted typically from the woman you know you've seen it in a million comedy shows of the guy rolls over and tries to sort of I'm a bum sleep and I'm tired tonight.

51:20I'm on my period. I'm a blah blah blah. But the reverse, I don't think that we have a particularly good positioning for guys. There's a lot of shame around that around. Do you know what it is? I go out of how it day it worked. I don't want to do this. But if I say no, maybe initiation is rarer. Maybe it makes me feel like less of a man. Maybe I've got concerns about performance. If I do try to have sex during a time when I'm not as in the mood for it, That's something that I think is a lot less talked about. Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you're bringing that up because I want to normalize that too.

51:54My heart goes out to men. Men have so much pressure. There's supposed to be turned on ready to go hard, erect, making the moves, and then knowing exactly what they're doing to turn their part around and doing all the tips and tricks. And sometimes guys are not in the mood for sex just as much as women aren't. And in fact, I found, again, to go back to this, I've heard from just as many women who want more sex in their male partners. So I just want to normalize that as well, that that's really, really, really common. And so, um, yeah, just having compassion for your partner, if they don't want it again, this is where the normalizing the sex conversation comes in.

52:29If, if, in just understanding that it just because your partner doesn't want to have sex tonight, it can be not tonight. It doesn't mean not ever. It doesn't mean not now. And then putting some words around and say, babe, you know what, I, tonight, I've had a long day. I'm not feeling it, but I can't wait for this weekend. Like Saturday night, like let's do something Let's go out just the two of us. So then your partners feeling a little bit less, you know rejected or less, you know Attached to that outcome. I just think that we don't again put words around it And then we get to we create all these stories, you know in our head if we could just kind of say not now you just like Here's why and let's talk about later.

53:07Let's do a later Looking at the reverse of this, what are the most common reasons that you hear from women about why they're not reaching orgasm during sex?

53:20Usually, well, during penetration, if we talked about that, penetrative sex typically does not hit women where they need to be hit. There are clitoris as external and internal, but the orgasm starts with the clitoris being being the most common orgasm is a clitoral orgasm, which is, you know, women being taught usually the majority of orgasms are going to happen from a fingers, a mouth, or toys. That's how the female orgasm happens. So women aren't having orgasms when it's just penetration without any foreplay or orgasm where or pleasure or stimulating the clitoris beforehand because you're just missing all the hotspots, like the inner third of the women's vagina is the most sensitive.

54:08And so those are some of the areas we need to pay attention to. And so that's one reason is that we're just, we don't really know how to advocate for that. We don't know how to move during sex. Now penetrative sex could elicit an orgasm if we had more stimulation first. If we used a toy, if we used fingers, you know, then we could have one in conjunction with penetration. So I would say just a really about understanding our anatomy and how it all works is one factor Another thing is yeah, I just I guess not having well, it's kind of the same thing, but not having enough build up not having enough arousal not having enough For play and then it could be also medications birth control pill never here's another one Never having one before with a partner, but just having one during masturbation.

54:58So that's like a new you know, everyone's body is different. So it's not feeling safe with a partner, not feeling that I'm with a partner that I can actually communicate my needs and let them know that these are the steps that need to happen. So one of the most interesting stats that I'd seen about this was initiated by the declining rates of not having an orgasm compared with how many times you've had sex with that person. So I think it's like 80 % of women don't have sex on the first date or the first time that they have sex not in the first date and then it like Relatively reliably declines as you get with somebody more now.

55:40There's something going on You know physically you can start to communicate more about compatibility and blah blah blah But really what that suggests is that it's more about comfort. It's more about feeling relaxed. It's more about being comfortable with the part that you're with. And I saw a really fascinating study. This is a little while ago now that said, the most common reason for women not reaching climax during sex was recursive self thoughts about not reaching climax during sex. Yeah, our head was absolutely. That makes the gap. We're in our heads, performance anxiety. Am I not gonna orgasm?

56:16Am I not gonna orgasm? I think I'm gonna orgasm is not gonna happen. So absolutely. And the same thing goes for men and their erections. or their orgasm, the same thing, am I going to get hard? Am I going to come too quickly? Oh, shit, am I going to come? So yes, when we are in our heads during sex, the blood is leaving our genitals and going to our brains to fuel all of these thoughts that are not serving us and that are not advocating for our pleasure at all. So yeah, the worry that we're not going to get there, which is why I teach a lot of mindfulness actually. I'm going to say meditation.

56:46Meditation. I'm telling you, meditate and learn how to learn the skill set. of bring yourself back to the present moment. And I also give a lot of tools and smart sex to how to bring yourself back to the moment during sex so you can be present, so you can breathe, so you can come up with your partner. I mean, there have been times too, or I'm just, you know what I give these examples too. It's like I just sex sometimes starts to happen and you lose your weight, you're like, you're in your head, or you're like, did I turn the oven off? Did I, and it's okay, like here's everything. Sex is that so precious, you're allowed to say, You know what?

57:21Let's stop for a second. I'm going to run to the bathroom or I'm going to do something or let's breathe for a minute. Sometimes again, it's just going, and I'm like, oh God, I'm not here. I'm not present. I've left the building. And they'll just stop. And I advocate for this. I'll do this in my relationship. But I'll say, can we just look at each other and breathe? Can we just do five deep breaths for our inhales or our exhales a little bit longer than our inhales and we breathe and we look into each other's eyes and then we reset. And then you start again. So I think again this misinformation that sex is sort of a sprint and not a marathon and that we all it's very linear We make out we take our clothes off.

58:00We have sex is just not the case and it makes it so less fun Emily Moss ladies gentlemen if people want to check out the stuff that you do why should they go? Everything is sex with Emily the release of podcasts called sex with only twice a week my My, my, in all my social media, sex with Emily and my new book is Smart Sex. You can buy it wherever you buy books. And you can take my sex IQ quiz on my website that will allow you to know where to start on your sexual journey. Emily, I appreciate you. Thank you. Appreciate you too. Thanks for having me.