#674 - Adam Lane Smith - 17 Ugly Psychology Truths No One Wants To Admit

25:12They're lucky. They're so happy. They it to date anyone they want. They can bang everybody on the first date. She could bang 15 guys this week if she wants to. She must be having the time of her life. And then you look at women and you talk to them. And even the ones who have tried hookup culture, the vast majority of them say it was awful. I was trying to find love. I was sleeping with them, hoping they would love me. I thought it was supposed to be freeing and liberating and it's terrible and I'm miserable. Do some women fall into it and say, well, this is supposed to be fulfilling. So I guess it's fine.

25:43Yeah. But those women, many people often eat McDonald's too. And they'll say, well, the chicken nuggets are really healthy at McDonald's. That's what I eat. It's, if you are used to only having slop available, then you try to find the healthiest slop you can. And that's where most women are in the dating pool right now. And guys think that women are just on cloud nine. And they are just wonderful, happy princesses. We're so choice. And ain't true. Not even cloud, not even close. You know, I think trying to turn down the animosity between men and women is a pretty important sort of counter push at the moment.

26:18You know, this look at all of the matches that women are getting on dating apps. I'm like, yeah, but have you ever asked a normal attraction, attractiveness woman to see the sorts of messages that she gets from men on online dating apps? It's fucking catastrophic. Like, it's absolutely, I don't know who these guys are. Because they're certainly not the guys that I know and there's certainly not the guys that I'm showing it to. They're like, what the fuck is this? Like, why would somebody try and say this? And yeah, it's the lack of understanding from both directions. And I had this conversation a few weeks ago that the challenges of men and women in modern dating for women are often problems of abundance and for men are problems of scarcity.

27:06And the problems of scarcity can seem more noble in a way, because you go, well, look, you know, like at least you have options, I don't even have options. But when you fold in the sort of physical vulnerability that women have, and the slutshaming and concern of derogating her value, and I'm gonna go on a date with this guy, and you know, me too has created this echo of kind of ambient anxiety for all women, and whether it's justified or truthful or not, it creates an environment in which it's really, really, really uncomfortable for a lot of women in the dating market. And because they seem to be like just swimming in D, guys presume, oh, well, they're having a great time.

27:49I mean, well, I don't know. I don't think that it's the case. I think that you would have a lot more happy men if there were a lot more happy women. I agree. I have so many people coming. Let me ask you this, Chris. conventional wisdom and any your own experience. I have a swarm of people coming into my DMs and a coaching, my group, even just talking to me on the internet. And they are overwhelmingly desiring a committed, monogamous relationship. Do you think it's mostly women or mostly men that I get? Yeah. Women. Women, but I could see it coming from, I could see it coming from both sides. both.

28:31You're right. You got you nailed it. It is both. There are so many men desperate to find a committed monogamous relationship with a woman who will just be loyal and honest to them and just kind loyal and kind. Those are the two things I hear most of all that men are looking for women. Same thing. I want a honest stable man is what they are usually looking for honest and stable or honorable is another one that the others would say. But here's what happens as I tell them, okay, are you on the first date being clear that you are looking for a committed relationship? Not asking for one, but being clear, that's what you want.

29:08At the end of the first date, you say, just so we're on the same page, I'm looking for a long term committed relationship. What are you looking for? Do you do that? Oh, I can't do that. They get up and run from the table. No one wants to hear that. Men don't want that or women don't want that. You would think men are like women don't want commitment. They're just having fun. That's the best I've ever heard. It is like dangling commitment is how men get sex from women. That's how much women want it. But men today have got this sia up against them that women don't want commitment. You've got this tweet which relates, look, most men in America are just wanting an honest monogamous relationship with a woman who's not going to betray them or rob them blind.

29:46And right now most men under 30 don't believe that sort of relationship is possible. No one wants to acknowledge this disaster. That's right. That's so right. It's why are there more angry, scared in cells? Why are more guys running into red pill? Why are guys committing suicide at catastrophic numbers? Right now, as we're filming this, there's guys committing suicide that won't even hear this. The need to hear this. It's because they don't believe. They don't believe women want commitment. They don't believe women will ever be loyal to them. They've never experienced kindness usually from other people.

30:19I've got other tweets on there that you've seen, I know you've seen of men that haven't had a hug or a compliment in five to ten years. They haven't experienced human kindness, you know, know what that's like. Then they go out into the dating pool hoping to just find a woman that they can quietly live alongside, hoping she'll stay with him like a magical creature that's just in his presence. It's horrible. It's horrible. And men and women are both miserable, but men unfortunately do things about their misery. 70 % of divorces are initiated by women, but it usually follows years and years and years of them begging men to take their relationships seriously.

30:58Guys, we'll get online and talk about being blindsided after 20 years of marriage, but usually dismissed every possible sign. I wrote this book right up here above my head, Exhausted Wives Be Wilder to Usman's for this reason is women, as man as much as crap as women get on the internet at about no women or loyal, they're all faithless creatures. Man, they will stay. You've probably seen women stay with some guy for a long time who isn't worthy of her and keep asking how to fix their relationship. Do you get a lot of women asking you like, Hey, Chris, how can I fix my relationship? Do you get a lot of that?

31:31I get bombarded by those questions. Thankfully not. They don't come to me for that kind of advice. I mean, my DM requests are a bit of a cesspool, but yeah, there's all sorts of stuff in that. I definitely think that. But looking at the cliche of the woman that stays, I mean, women stay with men that beat them. Yes. Women stay with men that cheat on them, women stay with men that do all, they've got gambling addictions, they've frittered away the entire family nest egg, all this sort of stuff. Like, yeah, it's, it's really interesting to think about this. Like, this insight that guys do get blindside, I didn't know what happened just one day, she up and left.

32:12He'll go, well, I don't know man, what happened for the two decades before that? Correct. Correct. And that's usually what it is is he really doesn't think that it was a big problem. Most men, they don't track problems unless the woman is clear this is a problem and here's how we're going to fix it. They have no understanding. If the man doesn't believe it's a problem or doesn't believe there's an alternate or a solution, he's not going to solve the problem. The male brain looks, observes and fixes it and acts upon looks and acts upon. If he says she is whining for no reason she wants constant euphoria, there is no such thing as real love I'm giving her everything I can don't I give you my paycheck every time every time I get one They they they map their ability to love onto that and say there's nothing more than this And they don't take it seriously until she's ready to leave then he freaks out, but she's already given up She's already given up by the time he says wait.

33:06I'm willing to take it seriously now Let's go to therapy. Let's go to this. Let's go to that then they go into in the couples to coaching or couples therapy And she just says I'm done. I'm tired. I'm miserable and he's done this for 20 years and the therapist rips him apart And it's a hellish experience and that's that's usually what that is. She's already given up man If men could you mean learn to track those questions more carefully it would work What do you mean when you say take their relationship seriously? take the ability to give and receive love seriously. Take her feelings seriously.

33:40Take his own desire seriously. Learn what love is and what it's supposed to be. Learn what emotional intimacy is and do it. Believe he will be taken seriously and open up to her, right? You point out brilliantly earlier that the conversation online about vulnerability is if you are ever vulnerable to your wife, she will instantly leave the house and sleep with your best friend on your front lawn as you are inside, still with your mouth open having shared something personal with her. And that's just not true. Yes, if you whine and sob uncontrollably on the floor for six months about a problem with ever out ever getting up and fixing it, she may lose respect for you.

34:17And over time, if you just sit there, yes, she may not respect you as a man anymore, but women crave vulnerability. They crave emotional intimacy. It's how their sex drive works. After the first 12 months, it drops off a cliff if you don't build that. So build the emotional intimacy. She's not going to cheat on you. Related to what you just said, the men are often demonized in the first session of couples therapy. There are two big reasons for this. One, women are usually better at articulating their grievances, two, criticize a woman too early and she is likely to stomp out of the session. Men will just take it.

34:52So this is really interesting because it's showing us both what happens from the client side and also from the practitioner side as well that there's behind the curtain in front of the curtain of kind of working together here. I remember going through schooling. So it was six years for a master's degree and then three years of focused apprenticeship under other clinicians to become a licensed family therapist, nine year experience. And I remember the training they gave us about B. Be careful with female clients in couples therapy because they have come in expecting that their feelings will be validated.

35:28Don't smother and stomp on the guy because all of you guys will do that. The woman will be better at crying about her feelings. She will have a list of grievances. The guy is in there treating you like the enemy already. So validate her feelings, try not to stomp on him. And then a lot of therapists would just go in there and do exactly that because she's crying her eyes out. He's never loved me, never cares. I do all these things. And he's like, I'm sorry, you know, I'm really sorry that you're having these feelings. And then the therapist are like, well, this is the right. She guys want to go.

35:59Cool. Hey guy, here's the things you must do if you want to be a decent. And then it just turns into this big fast about, let's fix the guy. And meanwhile, the woman's challenges and the things she's contributing go completely under the rug. And the guys are exhausted by this. There's a point. There's a reason they don't want to go to couples there, but anymore. What about women are usually better at articulating their grievances? Very, very common for that. I, this happened. It made me feel this way. I didn't like it. Here's what I need you to do instead. Most guys can't articulate their emotions that way.

36:33Most guys have no idea. What did I feel? I don't know. I would talk about my feelings. This made me mad. Don't ever do it again. And then it sounds like he's just yelling at them and ordering them around. It sounds awful. Women will typically use more of what's called non -violent communication. It makes them sound better. It makes them look better. Women have better PR while they are talking about their feelings. And therapists will say, wow, you're using good therapy language because women have read so many books. They've done therapy themselves. They've watched therapy dramas. They know how to use the language as a seeped into our culture.

37:04Men often don't. So it is. You walk in and a lot of times the woman instantly forms a connection with the therapist. The guy is blindsided and it's just a horrible experience for the men most of the time. Yeah, this isn't to kind of lay therapy behavior at the feet of manipulative women. It's just that they have an unfair advantage when it comes to communicating and articulating the problems that they've got. They've probably spoken to their girlfriends about this issue. They've had a dry run of this 200 times before already. And also, I think based on one of our previous conversations, you said that it's almost always the woman that gets the couple to go into counseling in any case.

37:50Yeah, almost always unless it's his hail Mary Pass at the very end because she has been absolutely done with the relationship and he pitches it as a last -ditch effort. And then he's gonna walk in and be endlessly apologetic anyway, and she's gonna share all her grievances even more and it's gonna get even worse. So I remember as a marriage family therapist I had to work through that and they'd come in and I have to make sure I did not take a side that I did not stomp all over him that I didn't validate over validate her But I remember I'd say what brings you guys in here and she would Am some of the women clear their throat and they would open their person and she would pull out a written list a written list and The guys eyes would like like widen and he would just, I could see him like braced for impact.

38:37It's amazing. It is amazing what happens inside that therapy room sometimes. And if the therapist isn't guarded, if they're not aware, if they haven't received adequate training, if they haven't taken care of their own problems, if they're, and if they're all overly indulging of women anyway in those circumstances, right? Think of police, right? Two people, two people punching each other, the police pull up, they arrest the man and they throw him in handcuffs. One of my very dear friends was in an awful abusive relationship. And the woman was punching him over and over and over in the face and he was trying to get away and she pursued him, continuing to punch him.

39:11So he grabbed her wrists to stop her from punching him in the face because he was so bruised and the police pulled up and his face was covered in bruises and he said she's punching me and they said you're holding her wrists so they put him in handcuffs, tossed him on the curb, held him down and then talked to her to see if she wanted to hold press charges as his face is all bruised from her punching him and she even admitted, yeah, I punched him and he grabbed my wrist. Okay, well, he could go to jail. Do you want us to take him right now? That's, that's, you gotta remember that that is brought into therapy too and you gotta control for that.

39:45How much are couples using therapists as like a mediator or is almost a communication tool rather than as an expert that can help them work through things? It seems to me based on a lot of the stories I've heard from you that it's just an opportunity to vent. You know, they're shouting things into the ether, but they don't actually need to turn and face the partner that's sat next to them because they can tell it to this independent third party and just blast it. But really, they're not saying it for the therapist. They're finally getting the opportunity to take the stabilizers off and unleash all of this pentabanger.

40:30You know what? That is almost the better option of what can happen and what they trained us for in therapy and the warnness in school was this, the vast majority of people of couples that come in have one of two outlooks. One, you are going to prove I'm right and change my partner for me or two, I have already given up and I just need to prove it's not going to work by having a professional tell us it's not going to work. Those are the two biggest mindsets that come into their into couples therapy. And they said you will oversee so many breakups and so many divorces that you will want to quit your job.

41:03So you need to brace yourself for the burnout that is coming as a couples therapist because it is just a meat grinder. They said you might be able to save five to 10 % of couples who come into couples therapy because only five to 10 % actually want a better relationship. Dekha has been shown to harm the ability to bond and feel secure, especially for babies. Their mental health outcomes later in life are impacted. Research proves this, saying this out loud can get you fired. Oh man, we've already, people are already mad. Just from hearing that. But yeah, I post this online and I get a flood of DMs from people demanding answers, telling me I'm a liar.

41:44And all I do is pull up one of the longest running studies in human history about daycare conducted by the Canadian government and just send them the link that shows how Daycare, especially early in life and especially in large amounts Outcomes 10 20 years later in that child's life much worse More anxiety more symptoms more addictions more broken relationships and broken marriages more problems in their life strongly correlated with that daycare piece. Now does it definitively prove it was just the daycare? No. Was it massively correlated in gigantic amounts that it's concerning? Absolutely. So yes, that amount of daycare right there, very, very difficult.

42:26What they've shown is that even putting your kids with grandma or an aunt or relative is even better than putting them into daycare with strangers. That's what the research indicates. rates. What are the age range risks primarily for this? Presumably putting them into day care once they're four years old. Like, you know, they're basically in school then. And I don't think that many people would look at school as being something that would negatively impact health outcomes later in life because kids are going to be at least a little bit more well adapted by that. Well, American public schools might negatively impact their life outcome.

42:58What the research shows is that if you put a kid in public school, there's a 9 .3 % chance that they're going to be sexually harassed or sexually abused by a staff member. It's almost 10 % here in America. So it's one in 10. Just keep that in mind for public school here in America. It's brutal. However, yeah, you're right. It is the lower rates, the lower ages, they're born, and mom puts them in daycare within two weeks. Here in the United States, maternity leave is really good. And even if you can, oh yeah, people put kids in dates, daycare after two weeks. That's a couple of weeks, yeah. Daycare, it put maternity here in America is a joke.

43:32It is a joke. If you can get the time off cool, if you have money saved up to be able to pay for it, cool. If your company has good, you know, maternity coverage, good things like that, great. A lot of moms can't. So a lot of moms, they end up two, three weeks. Maybe they can get six weeks. Maybe that's really like, oh, you got six weeks off. Wow. Good for you here in America. So imagine putting your little baby at six weeks into daycare and you're not going to see them for 12 hours. So in the morning, you're exhausted getting up. You don't see them for 12 hours, dump them off with strangers who hopefully take care of them, but they're not mom and you're not probably having oxytocin bonding experiences as a baby like they would if they were on you all the time, even just skin contact.

44:14And into the day you are exhausted. So beginning of this, we talk about those mirroring things. You don't mirror much to them. You don't engage them and talk with them and do endless mirroring with them. They've just kind of sat there all day watching other people. and then they'll want to engage with them and they're afraid because they're alone among strangers. This is why daycare is so brutal for young kids. Yeah, four or five, six. If you're doing daycare for six hours a day, you know, something like that, maybe a little bit better. But especially those early ages when you're forming the brain, when you're teaching about love, teaching about bonding, teaching about connection.

44:45Absolutely not, man. Yeah, I didn't know that's the first time hearing about the way that American maternity leave works. In the UK, a mother's get nine months batched together. So they can, my business partner's wife has worked. I think up until pretty much, she was ready to pop each time because she wanted to maximize the amount of time available after that. But yeah, nine months and then she did something else. I feel like she had, I'm pretty sure because she had three kids. I feel like she did something, I'm pretty sure she managed to get sort of 30 months off over the space of like four and a bit years.

45:26So, you know, this very, very large chunk of time for all of these different kids. And then when you've had multiple kids, you're overlapping kids upon kids, right? So, yeah, it was, that's wild to hear that the US has, so is there no mandatory mandated maternity leave at all? Well, there are, there are. The pay is often not great. And especially if your employer has to pay, then you get three, four women on staff who will go on maternity at the same time. They can pressure you to come back. There's all kinds of problems that really contribute to this, but there's not much protection for it. There's almost no paternity leave anywhere.

46:07All four of my children, and they were born. I had to just take unpaid vacation, unpaid time off or use my vacation time or sick time. I got one week off with each of my children, a single week. And when the first one was born, we were so poor, I could barely even afford one week. It was a giant financial hardship for us to be able to take one week, no pay. It was rough. So, yeah, fathers, almost zero paternity leave and mothers massive, massive pressure to go back to work as soon as possible, especially the financial pieces. There's almost, there's very little time that moms can really take off here in America at all.

46:42We just dump them straight into daycare. And then daycare is so massively expensive that if you have two kids you may as well quit your job because you're just paying for daycare at that point So yeah, of course We just cycling through it the money comes from me from the employer to me directly to the daycare and I'm just this conduit I'm just this conduit in the middle. All right next one. Yes Most men don't know how female communication works They provide solutions, which is what they would want when a woman wants validation when this is pointed out most men assume it's untrue because they'd hate to receive only validation instead of a solution.

47:19So true. Is this surprising to you? I'm going to ask you because you're about to lose the conversations. After all the conversations that we've had, this one seems pretty aligned with everything that you've taught me. But the validation solution framework, I didn't know how much of it cliche, how much of it is just stereotype, you know, that, you know, even in sitcoms and stuff, women will say, like, I don't want you to give me a solution. I just want you to hear me rant. And I didn't know if that was real, but think about this way. Let's make this make sense. So when a woman has a difficult experience during her day and she comes home and she puts down her purse and the husband says, hi, sweetheart, how was your day?

48:04And she draws a deep breath and And she's going to tell him everything that has happened today and about how her work enemy did this and how she ate this for lunch and her shoe didn't look quite right. And she will unload all of these things. Here's what's happening. A couple things are happening. Number one, her logical brain is diminished to fuel an emotional spike over on the emotional agitation side of the brain. That's one thing that's happening. So when you are stressed out, that's what happens. Your logic is diminished. Your emotions go high. What you want to do, what women do is they process this with other women.

48:33And as the other woman says, wow, oh, I'm so sorry. Whoa, wow, oh, that's amazing. Oh, and they give them a hug and they just talk it through the agitation decreases. So those mirror neurons come back in. She's not upset. She's not scared. It's not a big deal. I don't have to stress about this. And she cares about me. She's listening to me. I'm worthy of her time. And then she gave me a hug. It releases all kinds of oxytocin. Again, GABA releases after that. It inhibits the anxiety response. I feel so much better. I am loved. I am cared for. Someone gave me their time. And I don't have to feel upset.

49:08I feel so much better after 20 minutes of endless talking, right? Women get this with each other. They do this. Men, the woman comes home. Well, this happened and this happened. He goes, wait, I already have a solution for you because the male brain observes a problem and then acts upon it. I found the solution that we instantly like you should do this. And she goes and she stops because her logical brain is diminished. She's not ready for a solution yet. She's trying to decrease agitation and bond at the same time. She's saying, I'm giving you everything of myself. You're gonna know about me.

49:38We're gonna bond. We're gonna share. Nope. Here's a solution. What he has just done is said, take this, get out of my face. I don't have time for you. Go over there, please. I'm going to go do this thing. He's accidentally doing that. He's loving it. He's like, I gave you a solution. We found it that fast. We didn't even have to talk for 20 minutes. We talk for three seconds. This is great. It complete disconnect. She feels shut down. He thinks he's done great. Her demeanor cools down. She gets very standoffish. And he goes, uh -oh, what's wrong, babe? Nothing, nothing is wrong. And she shuts down and they do this over and over and over.

50:12That's how it breaks down. So guys, number one thing, please for the love of God. If she starts talking, hey, babe, I really want to hear the story. Do you want me to just share or are you wanting me to find a solution? I just want to make sure I give you what you're looking for right here. Okay, you want me to listen? Awesome. I am here for it. And you settle in with a bag of popcorn, you just eat and you just, wow, that's amazing. Like, it's the best movie ever. That the problem is not whatever the problems you think they are. The problem is she wants to bond with you. Solve that problem by giving her what she wants.

50:43If you do this, you will be the greatest husband on the face of the earth. What is the reverse? What is it that women don't know about how male communication works and what do they get wrong? Men bond by teaching. We bond by teaching and sharing solutions. Man's blaming, a large portion of man's blaming is men saying, I care enough about you to give you this information. Look at this podcast. You asked me a question and I start teaching and I start guy, like this is how men do. And if we hit something where you're like, yeah, I know that part. We skip it through it. Men will say, I know that part, skip ahead.

51:14I know that part, skip ahead. And we do that until we catch up. Women don't do this. Women will just sit and listen to you and think, why is he telling me the most basic stupid things on the face of the earth? Why is he teaching me as if I'm a child? He thinks I'm a child because they would only talk to a child that way so that he thinks I'm a child. He's treating me. This is such disrespect. And the man is saying they're going, man, this is great. I'm teaching or she's listening. This is wonderful. And he thinks he's bonding. And then later he gets a call from HR about man's explaining. This is one of the biggest things right here.

51:44If a man teaches and shares and explains, he is deeming you worthy of passing on knowledge and expertise. If he's being a dick about it, yeah, that's another problem. But most men just want to teach you, they bond with you. They release vast suppressing and oxytocin while they're doing this and they expect you're doing the same. One of the best things a woman can do is ask a man to teach her or train her in something. It will bond him to you so much better than sex. men get retroactively jealous of a woman's sexual past because they think about how much hypothetical fun they would have had if they did what she did, but most women would trade their whole past for one loving partner for life.

52:24It's a huge difference in perspectives. So let's sort out two things here because I post this and I get all kinds of guys angry like Adam don't you realize there's a biological reason men would like a woman who's had low number of partner. Well, yes, I do. I recognize that 100%. 100%. I married a woman myself who had had no partners previously. So I totally understand that. There's a good biological reason for a man to want a woman who does not have 300 partners. Totally fine. Totally understand that. Retroactive jealousy, though, is I think she did XY and Z. So she's going to go do it with someone else.

52:59Again, I'm holding her back or I'm not going to be good enough or there's a massive pressure on the guy, especially if she's had experiences he hasn't had massive expressions on the and pressure on the guy to try to perform, perform, perform. He sees again women and porn and well she wants this. They are always happy and porn when they do this. No, no, no, no. So most women will tell you that they got involved in wild sexual experiences to try to get someone's approval, to try to be interesting, to try to have some stimulation because they were so depressed or so unhappy, I have never, never met a woman that said, I love my sexual past because it was so fun and fulfilling.

53:43The only women who might say that are excessively avoidant women who have no idea what emotional intimacy feels like. So they rely only on stimulation and these are a tiny minority of the population. Most women will say, I'm glad about my sexual will pass only because it led me to the man I am with now. And now I am so fulfilled in our sex life because it is so intimate and bonded. That's what they usually focus on. Women aren't really focused on have the biggest as many as many penises and as many large ones as possible and 50 ,000 men and okay, now I'm ready to settle down. That's not really how it goes like men think.

54:21That's how men think, right? Sewing your wild oats. That's a man thing. Women usually are looking for that connection and they have no idea how to get it and they are so happy when they're in a good relationship with you What would your advice be to a guy that is struggling to deal with his female partner sexual past? Number one be realistic if you can handle it right if you if she's your first ever partner and she's had a hundred people and you're like If it's overwhelming, you might need to just call it, because it might be too much. It just might, you might not be able to handle it, to be honest with you, and no judgment on you either way.

54:58Society may call you all kinds of things, but no, I get it. It may not be, it may not be right. Number two, if there's a religious component to it, and if she's like, no, it was great that I did that, and you're really, she's really avoiding, then maybe it's not gonna be for you. But what you need to do is this, sit down and talk to her about her sexual desires now, her feelings now, her beliefs about sex now. How seriously does she take it? How seriously does she take the bond that happens? What does she actually want from you? How fulfilled was she in those experiences? Emotionally fulfilled.

55:30Talk to her about that. Hey, you did XYZ. What was that like for you? That's the question most men don't have the guts to ask. Hey, you had a threesome with two dudes. What was that? Mentally and emotionally like for you. There was at a great time guys who imagined the opposite and we think it's gonna be amazing was it amazing? Most women will say, no, it was really disappointing. But what about the terror if your, the, the love of your life looks into your eyes and says, yeah, it was really, really fun when I had two dudes in one bed. That's, that's could be like cause some guys heart to fall out.

56:03It, it could be. Then you need to know that. Don't shy away from the truth, bro. Ask the truth, get the truth. And then say, okay, is that something that I'm holding you back from experiencing in our relationship? Do you want to go have that experience again? She's probably if she's with you most likely to say no, I do not want those experiences again I actually value our connection so much more than any of the fun I've ever had That's it. I'm not saying women have never had fun. I am saying that emotional intimacy is the massive driver for their real real bonding orgasm the female orgasm it's driven by oxytocin Oxytocin builds through the emotional connection you share, and then it builds more through foreplay.

56:45As long as you do it, you don't do it for play for an hour, it will tank, but you do the emotional bonding all day long through the relationship, and then the foreplay. And then sex, and this is how women often can orgasm through vaginal stimulation without glotoral stimulation. They can do this when their oxytocin is very high, typically, the research is cool on this. And then they can have multiple orgasms because it keeps chaining their oxytocin higher and higher and higher. A lot of women who can't orgasm, I've worked extensively with a couple where the woman cannot orgasm. Building the relationship and the emotional intimacy builds incredible orgasm experiences for them.

57:20Oxytocin that emotional intimacy is the bonding point for women. It is female Viagra. So if guys out there, if you're jealous of her past, talk about the the fulfillment she experienced and what would be more fulfilling now. Talk about that because you're going to find you are the one who fulfills her more than any of those people ever could have. Most men would rather hear that pothnists say they respect him than hear that they love him, because respect has an acknowledgement of power he holds and the honorable way he wields it. Let me ask you, Chris, would you rather hear I love you or I respect you?

57:58It's pretty close. I don't actually know. I don't actually know. So, like I've got a soft side to me, so hearing that someone loves me is really nice. But respect definitely adds something that love doesn't, and I think that love adds something that respect doesn't. But I would guess that the reverse is not true, that if you two ask a woman, do you want to be respected by your partner or loved by your partner, that they're not going to have this same balancing act that I've got to try and do? Not not usually they will say usually that respect is part of love and that love is the one that's that indicates that respect is there But not so in the reverse a woman can love a man But not respect him and that's called the friend zone and you will be friend zone if you do that That is the friend zone.

58:44I love you, but I just don't see you as a guy That that's the friend zone lack of respect lack of sex drive lack of desire lack of trust So respect for men ultimately more important. Chris, I mean, you are a respectable guy. I respect you. But have you ever had a woman actually think to say, I respect you? Have you ever had that? Most women don't even imagine that it's important. Yeah, it's not something that I hear many of my friends saying that they've heard from their partners. I guess, again, the sort of theory of cross -sex mind reading thing, the failure is, well, as a woman, why would I be bothered?

59:29Like, I want to be respected, but like, the fact that someone respects me is, I guess, mandatory en route toward being loved, but it's not something that I actually strive to have. And I think, you know, a big chunk of this is probably explained by the fact that status is such a big determinant of a man's survivability, his reproductive success, it is good to be very difficult for you to accumulate respect without also having status alongside it. So what he hears when somebody says, I respect you, is you are somebody worthy of high status also and downstream from status a whole host of benefits.

1:00:09Well, honor, right? A woman, if a woman says, I feel safe with you. That is very close close to I respect you. I feel safe with you. You are an honorable man. You are a good man. They usually stop shy of saying I respect you. Very few women will actually think to say I respect you to their men. But if you women out there listening to this, I'm sure there's like a million women out there right now. Learn to say I respect you. Walk up to them, put your hands on his chest, lean in and say I respect you. Like watch his heart melt at that point because it is there's trust, there is honor, there is integrity, there is everything good wrapped up in that love is I feel warmly towards you.

1:00:48For most men, I feel warmly and affectionate towards you and I will do what is best for you. Cool. That's love. You are an honorable, respectable man with integrity and I trust you completely. That's respect. So guys out there, push for respect more than love. Many people reading the above tweets about men needing to feel powerful will view that as a negative. The ability to feed your children and keep a roof over their head no matter what the economy is doing. That's power. The ability to achieve a mission. That's power. Many people today are terrified of the idea of men having power because their only frame of reference is abuse.

1:01:25Even men feel this way, which is why they shy away from building the sort of power that would save their life. become an abuser or commit suicide are their only choices. Male power is terrifying in the modern world, but men must have power or they want to kill themselves. I'm a father. I've got four kids. I've got number five coming in the way. I think when you and I started, I had like two kids. They're just popping out everywhere. I don't even know how it's happening. I think my wife is just finding him on the road. I don't even know. So I've got five kids now coming out. And man, groceries are expensive.

1:02:00The US economy is getting so much worse. Our local grocery store had to put cameras in the meat area, not because people are smuggling it out under their coats, but because families are swapping labels from expensive meat to cheap meat so that they or big packs of meat to small packs of meat so that they can buy the bigger packs of meat for the same prices. Not just hooligans, they are stealing meat, not for resale to feed their kids. families are stealing meat just to feed their kids. There's a lot of families that have to choose what day of the week they're going to feed their kids meat right now in part to this country.

1:02:34And it's worse overseas. There's families that you can't even have food overseas, right? What day of the week are we going to eat? Fatherhood is about providing, it's about protecting, it's about caring and doing that. That's why respect is so crucial because it's the ability to do those things. Power is mandatory for men, and not the power to hurt people. the power to protect and the power to build and create the positive aspects of masculinity. Like I always tell people there's no toxic masculinity. There is masculinity or the lack of masculinity. You embrace responsibility or you don't. And to have responsibility, you have to have the power to fulfill it.

1:03:12Yeah, this sort of conversation around toxic masculinity and where it comes from. had a really interesting framing of it where toxic masculinity isn't too much masculinity, but a lack of it. And, you know, more virtuous, integrity -driven, honorable, respectable, all of this folded together into a conception of masculinity. Really, that, to me, seems to be the counter to what is missing. Like, to any, most of the modern conceptions put forward by the mainstream media around what an acceptable version of masculinity is supposed to be sounds an awful lot like stereotypical femininity. It is. We want you to be feminine so we feel safe.

1:04:00That's usually what it is. This would make us feel safe. No, it won't. No, it won't because then who's going to protect you? Who's going to make you feel safe in the world? They are scared of men. They are terrified of men. Women are petrified of men. And right now men are petrified of women. We are also terrified of each other that men can't be masculine because they're scared people and women have to be masculine to try to protect themselves from the perceived threats. It's a horrible world right now. We need more masculine men. We're talking about many people today are terrified of the idea of men having power because the only frame of reference is abuse.

1:04:35And it's tyranny as well. It's that sort of tyrannical, overbearing, uncaring leader that hasn't got prestige but has managed to sort of in a Machiavellian way get themselves into a position where they can manipulate other people. And I understand that compulsion, I understand that fear, but the alternative is like, like this recent Lizzo scandal around where it turns out she wasn't body positive at all. She was, body shaming the dancers and, you know, that to me is the, like, female body positivity equivalent of the sneaky fuckess syndrome for men. That you have this person who, like, ostensibly is out there.

1:05:26I'm such a, I care about X and Y and Z. And then you find out secretly that they're one of the worst perpetrators of this. I think Ellen DeGeneres was the same. I mean, it's the senator who is proclaiming anti -Gay bills all day before he goes home to watch like Gaporn on a VPN from a non -work laptop. It's just what is being pushed out and what is being pushed back against. Often identify, I think, where people's desires actually genuinely lie. If you think about this also is radical feminism women who have feminist leanings will close their circles except to people who have feminist ideals, which is I love how you pointed at the sneaky fucker syndrome.

1:06:11You have men who engage deeply in radical feminism to try to sneak in and then they are the worst abusers. So then these women say the men who get it are still horrible. So how much worse must all the other men out there be and that really radicalizes them. Very interesting. Because, you remember 10 years to 10, 15 years ago, there was a UK feminist who came out and said, all men are horrible. We have to put them in concentration camps. Women can go visit them, but the world will never be safe until men are in camps. I was like, what would someone get this idea? Well, if she's only been around male feminists, thinking of the Weinstein scandal, all of Hollywood, all the male feminists in Hollywood, it turns out that they're raping girls and raping people and all kinds of stuff.

1:07:01That's why the best versions of men they have seen turned out to be sneaky fucker abusers. And this is where we're coming from now. They are so scared because they think that's the best version of men. Have you seen this trend online of liberal women lamenting the fact that they can't find a man they're attracted to who isn't conservative? Yes, absolutely. I think a good chunk of this is played into with that. There's a streamer dude, Vouch, Vouch, who he's going viral on the internet at the moment for basically saying that if you are a liberal woman who cares about her politics but decides to sleep with a conservative guy, you're basically like, you need to give your head a wobble, what on earth are you doing, this is kind of a betrayal of so and so and so on.

1:07:58And it's like just the biggest display of intracexual competition and feet stomping and toes going out of the pram that I can imagine. It's like any guy that isn't me that gets sex is unfair. That's what I heard. That's also true. Guys will do anything for sex if they are really insecure. They will do anything for sex. I mean, we will build cultures to have sex. It is incredible what men will do to have sex. And the worst their insecurity is the more they're willing to give up or pretend or fake. So I'm curious how many of those women who go out and sleep with conservative men, the men were at least upfront and honest and just straightforward enough to say, hey, I'm conservative.

1:08:43These are my values. And the women probably responded to his honesty, his confidence, and his clarity of what he believes and why it may not be he's conservative. That turns me on. It might be he is honest. He is straightforward and he's not afraid to tell me how he feels and what he thinks because a lot of guys will use liberal policies to say, I'm not like other guys. I totally understand. Please approve of me. Give me a pat on the head. Give me a sympathy these grew. You see that a lot of women see. You seen this data showing the skew liberal versus conservative amongst US school children at the moment.

1:09:19Oh gosh. It's really, really stark. It's incredible. It's incredible. Females are really diverging liberal and males are really diverging toward conservative. So yeah, you're going to end up with a scenario in which the technical term for it is woke fishing. You're going to have more and more guys portraying their liberal bona fidees or pretending to have liberal bona fidees putting those out front and saying, you know, of course I care about the environment and stuff and Nancy Pelosi. I don't actually really think that her trades, there's anything wrong with those and you know, all the way down because men will do a lot of things to get laid, including pretending to be a liberal.

1:10:04But this is the thing that I wonder how much of this is skewed. I know bags and bags of liberal guys, especially ones that live here in Austin, and they easily able to be just as like, upstanding as the conservative guys. What I think you're maybe seeing is a skew here, partly because there is a lot of sneaky focus syndrome going on and people that don't have these views. But another part of it is I wonder how many conservative dudes have woke fished their way in and women are like, I had this like one night stand with this guy and he didn't really seem all that truthful, but he said he was a liberal and he's like, no, he wasn't.

1:10:40He was a conservative in disguise. So yeah, I wonder how much of that is happening as well. Well, I grew up in California as a kid and not too far from San Francisco. There was a lot as far as I've never heard the term woke fishing before, but I have seen it my entire life about guys will do and say anything, have sex and then women have no idea what happened afterward. And they like, what where did you go? Oh, he's over there sleeping with other women. He told me he was gay and I was turning him straight. Like, I've seen that stuff before. Like, dudes will do anything. And so, well, women sometimes have a connection with a guy.

1:11:13So that is not shocking to me. I will say this, I've worked with so many couples where they come in very liberal and they get married or they're thinking about a deeply committed relationship. And they will shame facetly, especially the women tell me they find themselves falling into traditional gender roles. And they will ask me if that's okay. I'm like, does it work for you? Well, yeah, but it's supposed to be bad. And I feel like I'm betraying feminism. Well, is he beating you with a stick every day and you're wearing it in your barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? And like, no, well, okay, are you guys talking about how it works for you?

1:11:51Yeah. Well, why do you think those traditional roles have formed in most societies on earth? Because they're pretty effective for the way our brains work. Do you feel trapped in those roles? No, he's very considerate when I talk about it. Okay? I say explore it, see how it works for you and embrace it. Don't feel bad. Okay, I'll give it a try. And then they're so happy, so happy after that. They just relax into it. So I hope that in the future that that may happen with the young men and young women right now who are waiting to pair bond in the wings who are growing into their own. Maybe they will find some methods that work for them regardless of liberal or conservative.

1:12:30I hope that they will. If you're a single parent and refuse to allow your kids to see the other parent just because that parent hurt your feelings, you don't actually love your kids. Love is an action. It is doing what is actually right for the other person regardless of what it costs you. If you strip away a parent from your child, an irreplaceable bond, because of your feelings, not for what the parent does to the other, to the child, but because your feelings are hurt. You don't love your child. You love yourself and your own feelings. Point blank. It's territorial and juvenile and immature and short -sighted and embarrassing and possessive of a child.

1:13:18They are an object in your life designed to give you feelings. They are not somebody that you are respecting the dignity of and its leverage as well. It is over your eyes. And it will teach it will teach your children to do the same back to you someday. Yeah, that you are, you are a chip to be bartered with. I had this conversation last week talking about parents who struggle to get on board with productivity strategies or they take offense that people talking about productivity strategies, like morning routines and say stuff like, tell me that you don't have kids without telling me that you don't have kids because you talk about some, not even that elaborate, but slightly elaborate 30 minute morning routine that you go through.

1:14:09And what they're saying is, I have kids, therefore I can't do this. And Alex, the dude I was speaking to was like, well, I hope that their kids never read that. Except their kids read it, what do they read? They read, wow, Mom and Dad, did you not get to fulfill your dreams because you had me, was do you hate me? Was I not, did I not make your life better? Are you better about the fact that you didn't get to do your morning routine and instead we had to play in bed together? Those attitudes come through in your interactions. When they fight with you and they push back on you, you don't respond.

1:14:42You don't go online and complain about your kids and how your kids are holding you back from a good life and then be completely loving and compassionate and cooperative and build a great life with your kids. That's just not how that split goes. Your attitude in one place reflects your attitude during stress and when you're going to engage with them. Look, I got four kids, man. There are times that are stressful when you have many kids, even if one kid and they throw tantrums and they pee on the floor and they throw blocks at your face and they say, no, I won't eat that. No, I don't want to go to bed and they will go to bed and then they will sneak out of bed.

1:15:15Four times in a row. You can tell that this has happened. If you despise what you feel they have taken from you, if you despise the sacrifices that you need to make, and if you let those sacrifices be everything in your life, then you will not handle them well during those times of stress, because you will unload on them and unload your frustrations on them during those times. Instead, make sure that you are sacrificing the right things in the right ways and prioritizing. My kids know I have I'm looking over there and in my office. I've got a wait set over there. My kids know Hey, I'm a daddy's gonna step away.

1:15:54I'm gonna lift some weights daddy's gonna go do this I just hired a personal trainer. I'm getting my fitness on track. I've got to do that I got to step away and take some meetings for personal trainers daddy You know why you stay and play with me? Maybe I have to get my health on track So daddy can be with you for many many many years to come and I explain that context to them Build that and build that into your family. So your kids will do it too That's what you do. Nice guy issues come from anxious attachment style. He grew up afraid of his mother abandoning him, so all he knows is how to earn good boy points and approval to avoid abandonment.

1:16:28That's never going to make any woman happy. This is why nice guys finish last. And you really liked that other tweet I did with the the werewolf and the happy puppy. Nice guys look really fluffy at first and then really vicious at the end of it when you reject them. It's because they earn good boy points and they are supposed to be rewarded. They do nice things for you expecting to be repaid and you have to figure out what they want. It's usually sex. You have to figure out what they want and do it for them or they will be furiously angry that you didn't reciprocate the way the rules say that you have to.

1:17:03This is why nice guys finish classes because they just can't ask and they will come off as a jerk eventually.

1:17:11You've seen this before. That's where you have. Absolutely. I mean, there's a really great article by Vincent Harinam about the social economics of simping. And what he's talking about is that a man who is too pliable is kind of the same as a woman who gives up sex too easily. But the thing, you know, if you presume that the highest value thing that a woman can offer a man, like beyond commitment and love and like all of the actual like fucking important stuff. But like as a front face, resources and chastity, right? And it's the trade largely that is part of one of the main trades that gets made.

1:17:51And a woman who gives up chastity without commitment is people are skeptical of her. And a man who gives up resources without sex in return, people are also skeptical of him. It's why I think there is an awful lot of social stigma around men who subscribe to only fans. Men who give gifts on Amazon, gifts lists and stuff like that. Because what those men are doing is they are offering up something which was supposed to be gate kept and walled off for all men to like stand firm. We are all one unit and if the women don't give us sex then they don't get our resources. And what you have now is a man who is prepared to give up resources without sex.

1:18:35In the same way as a woman who is prepared to give up sex without commitment gets criticized by a lot of women. Women who give up sex without commitment drive down the market price or the market value of sex to a level where all other women need to meet it. If you are prepared to give up a blowjob on the first date and I want to wait until the third date, I now need, there's a price differential. I now need to degrade my own price, my own the value that I see my blood jobs at, down to that first date. And the same thing occurs with men. If in order for a man to give up his resources and be able to financially support a woman, the woman needs to jump through a bunch of hoops that keeps the value of resources high.

1:19:15Whereas, and this is another one of the reasons I think that there is a particular amount of distaste from both men and women towards only fans creators that they see them as getting a free ride and they see them as capitalizing off the back of men who are overly pliable. Men aren't happy with either the men or the women because they look at the women and think, well, I'm never going to be able to get her because what can I offer her that 10 ,000 men all combined? How can I compete with 10 ,000 men's worth of resources? And the women aren't happy with her either because it seems like she's, like, there's a lot of intersectional competition going on there.

1:19:51So yeah, the resources thing, the over -appliability of men, and it's fundamentally why sipping doesn't work. Let's take that even one step further is we're hunter -gatherers, more than anything. Our brains haven't even caught up to the neolithic revolution and the idea of the surplus and anything. So safety, protection out in the world. Let's take it one step further. All your audience, they love historical examples. So let's talk about Vikings, right? The Danes, a thousand years ago, raiding up and down the coast, all over the Britain, all over the UK, the Danes. If they sailed in, you don't want to be married to the guy that when the Danes roll in, they're like, we demand women.

1:20:32He's like, well, okay, here's my wife. Here's my daughter. All right, guys, sorry. Like you have to go live with the Danes. Now, you don't want that guy. You want the guy who plants his flag and says, this will never happen. I'm going to die first. me and all the other guys are going down to the beach to die for you guys so that hopefully we will drive the costs so high that they will leave. If I don't see you again, I love you. Bye -bye. And he goes to die to protect his family. That's simps. Are going to be like, oh man, like, well, I'm really sorry. I'm thinking of also another historical example.

1:21:05There was a gentleman during the Holocaust that he sent his own wife and kids on the train, knowing, knowing what was going to happen to them. He was sending people in train. He put his own wife and kids on the train when it was their turn. Didn't say anything. Just load them on the wife and on the train and ship them away. And after the war when they had the tribunals, when they did everything, they grabbed, they found him. They found him much later on in life. And they brought him in and they put him up on trial and he said, there is nothing you can do to me than as It is worse than me living with the memory of what I did to my wife and to my children.

1:21:41But he, that was that right there, was a moment of why you don't marry a Simp. That is why women don't respect Simps. So they don't respect nice guys. It's the more agreeable you are. It's not just the agreeableness even. It's the weaker you are for approval, for safety. You prioritize your own safety over actually taking a stand for your morals. That's why Viking raids, the Holocaust, even all the way back to So just rating drives and hunter gatherer times. It's safety. That's what women understand. That's why they need to respect a man before they'll really sleep with a man long term. Adam Lane Smith, ladies and gentlemen, Adam, I love these episodes.

1:22:20I always love bringing you back on. Where should people go if they want to keep up to date with all the stuff you're doing at the moment? I am everywhere. So my website's adamlayensmith .com. I've got my video course on there, the attachment boot camp. I have books. I have coaching. I have a community. Everything is on there. I'm also on Twitter as at the bromithias. I'm also on Instagram at Attachment Adam and on YouTube at Adam Lane Smith I got 400 videos on there about improving your relationships. Oh Yeah, Adam. I appreciate you. Thank you mate. Thank you bro