#694 - Sadia Khan - Why Is Modern Dating Such A Mess?

23:46Yeah, very interesting. Yeah, and sad thing as well because I get a lot of hate from women, particularly from women saying that I don't side with women enough. And I always just say, you have no idea what it's like to be around women like a, well, maybe they do, but for me personally, I've only ever, ever experienced negativity from women, especially in the workplace. So it's hard for me to really be like women are amazing, women empowerment, women, women, women, women, women, women. I know from my personal experience, we don't support each other at all. Yeah, that's, it's a ruthless sort of realization.

24:17I had Joyce Beninson on, I've had Christine in a Durantian, I've had Dr Sarah Hillon, you know, a lot of evolutionary psychology researchers who are looking at intracetual competition, can this Blake? And one of the things that Joyce looked at was the body language of female basketball teams. She found that male opponents showed more physical affection to each other than female compatriots. So men on opposite teams of a basketball court. Don't lie for two tellers. We're more like physically affectionate than girls that were on the same team. And I think that there's a lot of stuff going on with hierarchy, how that works.

24:57It's the same reason why girls don't talk about their achievements academically if they know that other people are going to find out because stepping outside of that hierarchy is something that's a little bit dangerous. And that's kind of ruthless, right? Like it should be the case as a girl that if you succeed and do something well that you should be able to be proud about it and you should be able to proclaim it. And other people should say, yeah, fuck, you did good. Well done. And one of the disadvantages, men are ruthless to each other in very specific ways. But so women. Yeah. And the thing is with men, they would hunt and gather in tribes.

25:28So it makes sense for them to have camaraderie and people out of a group. For women, we wouldn't necessarily use each other to go hunt. We would only feel secure once we've secured the person that gives us resources. So that's why married women who are happily in relationships tend to be less verbally hostile to ones that are single. So, single women together tend to be more verbally hostile to one another than when those that are happily spoken for because they no longer in that competition zone. So, unfortunately, the reality of a female and female empowerment, it only works if you're not threatened by each other.

25:59The moment there's a form of threat, they become very hostile and very aggressive. And so, it's very difficult to have a platform where you're trying to just educate people about human nature as a woman because you'll get very much a lot of hatred from other women. So it's not the easiest. What are your qualifications? I'm a psychologist. So what I did is I did a psychology degree then I followed by masters. Then I actually just went into teaching. So I did run into teaching. But then I did psychodynamic diploma. So it's psychologists not like a protected term. Do you not need to have a doctorate or something for that?

26:29You do if you're a research psychologist and if you're going to go into clinical psychology. OK. So I haven't done a doctorate. I would like to, but it takes a long time. Yeah. Talk to me about the problem with nice guys than talking about simps. Essentially what nice guys do is what they suffer with is not that they're too nice or anything. It's just that they have incredibly weak boundaries when it comes to women. They simply are not actually not just women. It could be anybody. What they do is they lack a lot of masculinity and what they do is they blame the fact that they're so nice as to why they can't get women.

27:01But it's not about being nice, it's about a lack of masculinity. And one of the best ways to establish masculinity is placing boundaries particularly with women. When you don't like a behaviour, you don't roll over and allow it to continue and then give her more in order to get her. You set a boundary and you have a willingness to walk away. Nice guys, what happens is they don't like to exert their boundaries and they don't have a willingness to walk away. So what ends up happening is a nice nature becomes a reason for resentment because women don't like it. They actually feel angry when you're too nice to them because then they don't feel protected.

27:35They feel like you're weak. If you let a woman make all the decisions for you, she'll slowly start to hate you because she'll feel like she has to raise you and she'll lose respect for you So you're better what we truly want is not a man that is like chaotic We just want a man who we can trust makes good decisions He's not in the nice guy. He's the one that will submit to but the one that doesn't trust his own decision making and we have to do it And he comes across as being nice essentially he's seen as weak. Yeah, overly pliable. Yeah, is the term that I think about like, how do you as a man make sure that you're nice and not weak?

28:09Like, it must be difficult because in this day and age, if you try and be like a bit more assertive, that I'm guessing it gets a lot of pushback. It's hard for a man, had it? I don't know. I think you'd be surprised. I think that, you know, the line of acceptable behavior is way wider than most people think, right? You know, you can be assertive in a powerful reassuring way without being attirant. It's pretty easy to achieve. I don't think that it's that hard, but I also understand that a lot of people don't have a massive amount of first -hand experience. They're spending all of their time learning about things through the internet.

28:51They don't actually have the... You need to be skillful and nimble, to be able to float and dealing with even the same sex, the level of the opposite sex is like a delicate balance. It's a bit of a dance, it's a bit of teasing, is it too far, is it too much? Like, you know, it requires experience and most people don't have the opportunity to develop. And it's really easy to have the willingness to walk away when you're somebody that has a lot of alternatives and doesn't just mean other women could be a lifestyle that is alternative to being settled down. But when you're somebody that doesn't have many alternatives, the willingness to walk away decreases.

29:24So I do understand it's very difficult for men to have that, but without the willingness to walk away, she'll look for a man that does have the willingness to walk away. She'll look for a man that does have boundaries because we need them as women. It's strange. And I also understand that it must be ruthless to think, oh, I would really like a nice guy. Maybe your last relationship is with some dude that was in very avoidant, like masculine in a non -supporting way. And you think, okay, well, I'll go for a nice guy. I'll go for a guy that's a bit more pliable and a lot more agreeable. And then if what you're saying is true and you end up resenting them, you go, that wasn't what I wanted either.

30:01So it must be difficult. It must be difficult for a girl. Essentially what we truly want is a man who's decision -making on his own is one that we can naturally submit to. Well, I mean by that is if I have to tell you to do this, that and the other and you listen to me, I don't respect you anymore because if I had to tell you and you listen to me and I'm better than you at making decisions, I'm powerful than you, I don't feel protected. You simply have to be a man that could literally take a girl by hand and lead her into whatever lifestyle you is, but she feels safe in that knowledge. But if you're the type of guy who's like second -guessing himself, if you're second -guessing yourself and then submitting to me, it's automatically, don't find that attractive.

30:37That can't be the same for every girl, though, right? There must be a spectrum of women. It works well for women who are planning to manipulate So the women that are planning to manipulate and planning to use a man, they love this guy without boundaries. The one that's the girl that genuinely wants to have a connection with you, build a family with you, have a network with you. She actually wants you to have a backbone and wants you to have an opinion. The one that's planning to not stick around too long, the one that's planning to be with keeping touch with another guy, the guy that a girl that wants an alimony as soon as the kids arrive, that's the one that wants you to be.

31:09This people please are bending over backwards, do everything I say. Yeah, what about people pleases more generally on the girls side and on the guys side? Well, I guess they would be a similar match, but what I happen with two people pleases, like where the woman is just a nice girl and the guys are just a nice guy, they don't create an authentic connection because neither of them are giving each other the glue or the vulnerability to attach. One saying, I'll just do what you want, the other one, okay, I'll just do what you want. We don't know each other, we're just a comfort blanket. But one of them at least has to be a bit disagreeable to create that connection, give you that kind of glue to attach to.

31:41So unfortunately, two people, please, those don't usually end up together. Did you watch succession? No, I didn't. OK, so it's pretty cool. It's this series on HBO. And I think it's really early on, maybe one of the first few episodes in the first season. And this tyrannical father is pointing at his only daughter who's just got married to a guy who's very pliable, at least for the first few seasons, unbelievably pliable. Right? He is a bit of a social climber. Did the potential future husband, bit of a social climber. He kind of wants to be a part of the crew, so to speak. And he says, the dad is just fucking going around the room.

32:17Like, this is something I don't like about you, and this is something I don't like about you. He points a shift, the daughter, and he says, you married a man that's beneath you because you're terrified of being betrayed. Oh. Fucking painful. But in that moment, I saw something that's very true. You know, the people that are scared of losing their partner, a lot of the time will date down aggressively date down because they know that they're so far ahead of what that partner would typically be in a relationship with, with shiv it's largely resources and money and access, which is kind of strange because the dynamics flipped typically from the way it would be.

32:53But yeah, that just, that really, it's like one of the most brutal insults, insults both of them at the same time with one thing. You married a man that's beneath you because you're terrified of being betrayed. And it's very true. A lot of women and men use that strategy, but the problem is you're almost guarantee the divorce. If I marry someone beneath me to prevent him cheating on me, that doesn't change the other aspect that is required for a healthy relationship, which is bringing equal value to each other's life. And when one feels like they're married below, it doesn't work out either. The true connection comes when you both bring equal value and you choose to be with each other, rather than you know he can't do any better or she can't do any better.

33:34Eventually that catches up because a person with a low self -esteem who feels like they've been punching eventually starts to get so much low self -esteem that they might seek external validation so they might be more likely to cheat or more likely to betray you because at some point they can feel that you know they know that you know that you're above them and that low self -esteem can create a desire to connect outside so Unfortunately, there isn't really a cure to that other than true connection. But one thing I would say about people pleasing, they say that it's linked to an absent father.

34:05They say that having a father figure does is that rough and tumble kind of play in that harsh criticism gets you in the habit of speaking truth, even if it's not the nicest thing to do. Whereas the absence of that can actually make you think that you're going to offend, because it's easy to offend mum, it's harder to offend dad. So when you get in used to that rough and tumble kind of verbal oldrications with fathers it prepares you for the real world of where you are less sensitive and more likely to be truthful rather than people pleasing What about the opposite then what about treat the mean keep them keen as opposed to people pleasing?

34:39Again another tactic that's very much advocated in the current dating but is again counterproductive because the moment you treat people mean you filter out healthy people. Healthy people don't stick around to be treated badly. That doesn't go in line with their template of relationships. Healthy people have a template of relationship that requires mutual respect. Now when they're with somebody who treats them mean, they filter themselves out. They understand. They might work on it for a little bit, but they recognize where they're not welcome. When you're treating the mean keeping them keen, you're attaching to somebody that has incredibly low -soppist team who expects to be treated like this.

35:16who will then when you start, when you stop playing that game and actually want to commit to that person or particularly that girl, she'll become volatile. She'll self -sabotage because she's so used to being treated mean commitment doesn't actually feel good. It feels unfamiliar. So she'll recreate some chaos in order to create the separation because treating the mean, keeping them keen, doesn't work, unfortunately. Do you think men and women can be friends? Yes, I do. Do you think they can be friends? I've seen it go both ways. More times than not, it seems to mess up. But it's not impossible.

35:50I've got a number of friends who have managed to do that totally platonically. Do you have female friends? Do I have female friends? I do have some. Yeah, but they're mostly kind of from the industry, from podcasting. Mikaela Peterson's probably one of my closest friends on the planet. Great. Yeah, so it's some, but it's, I think it's tough. I think it's tough. What do you think makes it tough about having people? Well, just the line between what you have and what you're familiar with when it comes to guys and girls and the line of romantic desirability is pretty fine. And it only needs to be confused by one party for the relationship, for the friendship to break down.

36:34Right? It doesn't need both people to want it to happen. If both people want it to happen, the friendship turns into a relationship. Yeah. If one person wants it to happen, the friendship's no longer a friendship. Right. So you just do. You've got a lot of different ways. And then let's forget that. Let's say that one of either people gets into a relationship with someone that isn't in the friendship. Yeah. Then there's like two more people that can have a problem. You can't see that person anymore. Yeah. I don't like it when you go around her house. I don't like it when you spend time with him.

37:01So there's so many different ways that this can go wrong. I understand. And the one thing I would like to point out about that, because men can never understand why females can have male friends. But we tend to believe that we can have male friends. And the reason why we kind of think like this is because we would rather have somebody, a friend who secretly loves us than a female friend that secretly hates us. And you guys don't have to experience that. Usually when men don't like each other, they separate from each other. women when they don't like each other, they'll make reservations together and they'll still go on holidays together and they'll still keep you in each other's lives.

37:36So when we crave male friendships, it's because you don't know the pain, well not necessarily pain, that sounds a bit exaggerated, but the difficulty in finding good female friendships, they're not as easy for us, but men, if they play a sport together, they can pretty much be friends. For us, you can do everything right with a female friendship. All it takes is, you know, a birthday gone wrong or a boyfriend that they don't like or a boyfriend that they both like. And the entire friendship is destroyed and there's a safety and a male friendship that we can't find in female friendships because it's very difficult to find women that are totally not threatened by you in any way, shape or form by other women.

38:09And that's even when you're, I'm not saying just when you're attractive, even when you're less attractive, you still have friends, similar level of attractiveness. So there is a form of threat even there. So that's the first thing I think women can, why women can have better friendships with men. The other thing is I just think if you are a woman or a man of value beyond your sexual kind of prowess, if you've got something other to offer, isn't it natural that men, women, old, young, everybody's going to gravitate towards you and want to be around you? I just think it's natural consequence of being a valuable person is that people gravitate towards you.

38:41In the male and female form, they will gravitate towards you. So to kind of have an arbitrary role that you can't have male and kind of female, it it would only work if your personality is limited. If you have a limited personality, if I'm a girl that only talks about hair and makeup, of course I can only have female friends. But if I'm a woman that can have a lot of different types of conversations, it's natural to be able to connect with different type of people. There's two things that makes me think about. First, I had the director of relationship science from Hinge Logan Uri on the show about a year and a half ago.

39:13And she taught me about people confused spark in the beginning of a relationship for something special without realizing that some people are just sparky to everyone. And that was a really interesting insight. And it's kind of like what you're talking about here, right? That if you're somebody that's interesting and trustworthy and of high value in the world, people are just going to gravitate to it because you're a nice person to know. You're useful, you're cool, you're fun to be around, you're interesting, right? So there are certain people who just suck others in, right? Now the second thing, have you heard of the over perception and under perception bias of attraction?

39:51So this is really interesting, it's out of evolutionary psychology. So men over perceive the level of attraction that they believe women have toward them and women under perceive the level of attraction that men have toward them to refer to as a failure of cross sex mind reading. And this shows up very reliably in the data David Buss put this out in bad men or men behaving badly depending on which country you're in. This is why a boss or a co -worker will maybe make an ungainly move, apart from like the creeps like Harvey Weinstein and stuff like that, make an ungainly move because they will believe that, oh yeah, you know, her eyes always linger on me.

40:32She always makes it to the water cooler at the same time that I do. She's always in the printing her stuff in the cupboard at the same time that I do as well. Maybe I should try and ask her out. Yeah. It is much more useful for men to have a smoke alarm that goes off a lot and is wrong a lot but is right every so often because the price of missing a potential signal is really high and the cost of noticing a signal that wasn't there is essentially zero. Right? The reverse for women in speed dating, they did this, they put men and women down at a speed dating event, asked both of them how attracted were you to the other one.

41:09women regularly rated that they were way less attracted to the man than the man thought and the reverse true to. This is the failure of cross sex mind reading and it explains so much about the world that men and women inhabit because we don't inhabit the same world. I don't see my interaction with you the same way that you see your interaction with me and this reliably smeared across an entire population is why men and women don't understand each other because we do not have the same brains and we don't see the world in the same way. But when I do deal with clients who are very lonely and who struggle with female connection.

41:45I do ask them, do you have any female friends? And the answer is invariably no. And I always say that you need them. And they're like, no, we shouldn't be friends, a little bit of women can't be friends. And I said, but they're training ground for women in the real world because when you have female friends, they teach you what things upset women, what things upset, I make them happy. What they mean by when they text slowly, when they text fast, when they don't text at all, They teach you so much that you can't learn from women directly because when a woman is in love with a man She can't help but place stupid games because it's part of a protection strategy So what she'll do is say she's done when she's not done or say she doesn't want to sleep with you and she does want to sleep with you She'll say the opposite of what she truly means but having female friends helps you understand this human psychology behind a woman in a way that Experience direct experience with them won't so that's why I actually say because so many of my male friends I'd be like, this guy just did that.

42:35And that means he wants you to do, do, do, do, do, do. Are you translating? You can see the code, not the matrix. Because we speak in code. Yeah, it's a... So Destiny, who you should speak to at some point, because I think you guys... I think it's great, by the way. Destiny's fascinating. I think it's fantastic. Very, very, very, very big fan of Destiny. Yeah. He said that someone asked him what the best piece of dating advice he could give to guys. And he says, during a high school, have lots of female friends. He apparently just hung with this big group of guys and girls and had tons of female friends and did exactly what you said We'll get back to talking to Sardium one minute But first I need to tell you about factor if you are too busy this autumn to cook But still want to make sure that you're eating well factor is the solution with factor You can skip the extra trip to the grocery store plus all of the chopping and prepping and cleaning up while still getting the flavor and nutritional quality that you need factors fresh never frozen meals are ready in just two minutes So all you have to do is heat and enjoy.

43:31And right now their autumn menu has some absolute bangers, like a cranberry pecan chicken and an apple dejon pork chop. Or if like me you're struggling to hit your protein goals, you can try their protein plus meals with 30 grams or more of protein per serving. I cannot tell you how big of a life hack it is to only be two minutes away from a 30 gram of protein meal at all times. Right now you can get 50 % off by heading to the link in the description below or going to factor meals .com slash MW50, using the code MW50, a checkout that's factor meals .com slash MW50 and MW50, a checkout. Female friends for guys are like low stakes test relationships.

44:15Absolutely. I'm growing up all my friends were men and I still have a really large circle of male friends my birthday is every year my birthday if there's a table like this, 80 % of them will be my male friends. Is that not an Islam thing though rather than like a friend thing? As in, like why? You've just, in as far as I'm aware, the typical Muslim family would have like the fucking uncles are over and all the rest of it. Yeah, we do have a big male dominance in our, in our world. Technically we shouldn't really be interacting opposite the genders. I know I shouldn't be, but I do. I'll be a list.

44:49I saw Ram. So I do. And I have a huge, and then, but the thing is what it meant is it's, I have a plethora of understanding about the male psyche that I could never get from a textbook. A lot of people will say to me, when it comes to my content online, they say you have a very unique perspective. How do you know this? And I said, honestly, it's because I have so many males around me and I have an interest in them. So I'll ask loads and loads of questions. I'll understand their relationships. I meet their girlfriends and I understand. So it gives me up to date data about what's going on with men.

45:20And but I am I am bias because what happens is I naturally only know men who are confident, but I don't know what the psychology as much of the guy that's stuck in his mum's basement and addicted to pornography. And I think I'm learning that by how triggered they get by certain conversations online. So I just think it, like Destiny said, it definitely does give you a framework of understanding the male brain that you can't get through other women. That would be an unbelievably unpopular piece of advice to give to a lot of the manosphere to say that one of the best things you could do would be to be friends with women so that it's a low -stakes training ground for finding a partner down the line because it's kind of common advice that you don't need any women in your life that like all you need is your boys what can I ever get from a woman etc.

46:05There was this massive debate did the sexual revolution fail that happened this week in L .A. One of my friends Louise Perry was on one of the side grimes was opposite her. Tim Dillon was It was mediated by Barry Weiss and Rob Henderson, one of my friends tweeted this earlier on, it's amazing. He says, there's lots of discussion at the sexual revolution debate about whether the revolution failed men or failed women or helped men more than women or helped women more than men. Nobody asked whether the sexual revolution failed children. People already know it's too depressing of a topic. Yeah, absolutely accurate.

46:41It basically failed both genders, but when you fail both genders, you fail children because they're the remnants of two broken people. So I think it's massively failed children, but I think in some ways it's definitely favored the man that has no desire to invest and have responsibility. That's the only man that favors from this is he gets a bunch of women to have low enough self -esteem that they will be able to allow him access without any investment. Meanwhile while he's getting he can then go on to meet the gully actually wants to be with what's this girl is happy to come at 4 a .m. after a night out.

47:14So it's the opposite of feminism. It's allowing men free rain over females and whilst investing very, very little, I don't know who tricked women into thinking that this is beneficial, but whoever did is probably a man. And then down the line from that, they've also managed to trick women into believing that it's fine for the guy to stay at home and play video games and make sure that the sandwiches are done all day. You can go out and earn the money. Yeah. I mean, it's like, it's such a but people make these funny tweets online about how the patriarchy is so powerful it can't women into providing for men as well.

47:44And the other thing that I know, and I spoke about this quite recently, is the pushing the bisexuality, which only again benefits. What's that? I haven't heard you talking about this. Well, in pornography, there is a lot of emphasis on girl and girl, and there's a lot of threesomes and so on and so forth, and in my personal experience, seeing a lot of straight women engage in threesome activities, primarily to please the man, but they'll convince themselves that they like girls, but they only seem to like girls in the presence of their partner that suggested the threesome. And they only seem to like the girl that their partner had an insight into selecting.

48:17And then, and you know it's not true bisexuality because when their husband or their partner's not there, they no longer have this interest in women. And also when they really care about the guy, they don't engage in the threesome. They don't know when they love the guy a lot, they don't want to share him. But if you were truly bisexual, you wouldn't have that jealousy because you'd be like, this is an equal playing field. I also get to touch the girl. But what I think that's happened is the rise in kind of experimenting sexual Experimenting is again only benefiting men. I know so many men that are in open relationships Where he can see without the women, but she can't see with other men, but she can't see with other women who benefits from that He gets to the presumption is that They're not actually bisexual, right?

48:57It does seem looking at some of the data like Women are more bisexual than men are genuinely bisexual, at least self identifying outside of relationships. But yes, I would agree that I was surprised with this rise of the one -sided open relationship. In Austin, there's a lot of marriages where we're open, but it's only girls and it's only one way together. Maybe this is what they want. I would be curious what the data would be amongst women who've never watched porn and their level of bisexuality. I would imagine women who have never watched porn, they have lower rates of bisexuality than women who are addicts or watch regularly and who are partnered with men who also make the suggestion about the reasons.

49:44I would wonder how many women who without the external influences, because we've been taught for many many years in the recent data that homosexuality and bisexuality is innate and it's something you're born with, but if the advent of pornography increased it, then it must have some external forces behind it. Yeah. Well, there's one of the legitimations for this is the left -handedness argument, and it's used for trans people, but it might apply here. It's kind of useful for himself. I'll tell everybody, and let me spin it on. So, during the Middle Ages, people who were left -handed were seen as being touched by the devil, they were seen as being witches, right?

50:24So, it caused lots of people who would have been left handed to hide their left handedness, they weren't their true selves. As the world began to realize that being left handed wasn't associated with being a witch or a wizard, that was relinquished and I think the percentage went from less than five to around about 12 % of population is left handed. That's there being their true selves. Yeah. There is an argument made that one of the reasons, one of the justifications for an increase in trans youths and trans adults is that previously the judgments of society created a glass ceiling that made people keep it away because they were worried about being judged.

51:04Now that the judgment has been released, I'm free to be my open and honest self. In terms of transgender, that doesn't explain the suicide rate still being exactly the same, despite the world now accepting it. So there was been underlying mental health concern that may have been a precursor to the gender, kind of not identifying it. In terms of bisexuality, what I would then ask is, if we have now removed the stigma for bisexuality, why are not more men saying to their wives, can we add a man to the mix? Can we have it where you can sleep with lots of men and I can see with lots of men? Why is that not being seen as sexy?

51:43Why is it strange thought experiments are considered? That is a strange thought experiment. Oh, can your friend come and you two do things and I just watch? That doesn't happen. Women are not sitting there telling their husband, can you tell your friend to come over and you two just do? I promise I won't get involved. The way men do. How do you think, I think that there's definitely an asymmetry going on here. Yeah. With how men see their partner, their female partner being with another female. Yeah. How do you think women would perceive their male partner being with another man? There's no going back from that.

52:14From most women. and one sees for most women, I'm not speaking of all women, but once they see the man go, because the thing is women, when they provide each other with sexual stimulation, it's nothing really a man can't do also. But when a man provides another man with sexual simulation, women can't compete with that. It's a completely different experience. So therefore, you don't like, there's nothing I can do for you. Yeah, you're at the wrong shop here, son. You have to go back to it. Well, with women, I think when men are watching another woman, there's nothing that they can do to tell her that they can't really get involved in.

52:48There's something strange. I don't know why, but it feels like a one -way street that goes in opposite directions. A woman that's bisexual, every man presumes that it's just a phase and that she'll go back from a liquid diet onto a solid diet eventually. Every man that's bisexual, more men that are bisexual are considered to just be in the closet but have not fully committed to doing it yet. And I don't know where this comes from. I have no idea whether or not this is actually shown up in the data. There's definitely more bisexual women and there's more gay men. I know this. But I, from speaking to bisexual men, they say that they, if they are bisexual, they end up just choosing homosexuality because I know women don't really accept bisexuality in them.

53:30That's interesting. So it's not necessarily what they want, it's what they can get. In my experience of working with bisexual men, usually the bisexuality is not always, but can be linked to some childhood sexual abuse. With charter and the data also supports this and the rates of digital sexual abuse that leads to bisexuality in men is higher than amongst heterosexuals. So usually what happens is they may have experienced some abuse by somebody of the same gender. Now what happens is as a result of that experience, it still creates a template of sexual desire that they are open to exploring as an adult as a way of reducing the trauma.

54:04When we've been traumatized the only way that we think we can re -unchomatize ourselves is by voluntarily like re -traumatizing ourselves. So they end up exploring a little bit or being a bit curious and stuff but maybe they were actually heterosexual but that trauma led them astray and if they want to go back to being heterosexual women aren't as accepting and so they end up sometimes it's a brutal situation that you get into because you have to either choose to be untruthful to your partner if they ever ask about your sexual history or agree to open up about something that you're fearful about how they're going to respond.

54:41It's kind of the same as the sort of one way street of doing only fans or sex workers, a woman that you are going to have to concede that in future you're either going to have to tell your partner and deal with the potential ramifications of that or you're going to have to not tell them. And when it's a partner that they accept it and knows about it, he used you when it comes to the only fancy is a poor, somebody who's addicted to pornography and it almost likes that. But the man that's addicted to pornography is very difficult for an only -fans woman to be with because they're usually men who still require novelty and still require more women.

55:14And so it enhances the low self -esteem for her, unfortunately. There was this stat that I put in my newsletter this week. In voluntary childlessness is a male problem too. 25 % of men over 42 do not have children, 5 % more than women of the same age group. Almost 40 % have experienced depression, 25 % feel a deep anger. There is a lot of publicity quite rightly about women and childlessness, but men are very mute about this, and that was in the Guardian. Oh, wow. And I completely agree, because one thing that men online, the voice online to kind of shame women is, well, you don't have kids, you don't have kids.

55:52But unfortunately, who suffers more from when they don't have kids? What they find is women without kids and without marriage. and I think about 70 % more than men that don't have marriage and kids. Because marriage and kids gives men a purpose and meaning that they can't derive from anything else. It gives them the motivation to work harder. It gives them the motivation to do those hard jobs that pay more. It gives them a will to live. With women, we can still find connections with our friends and family and parents and we can spread out our connections. But if you look at most men, like if we look at your fathers and like, you know, in that generation, Without their wives, they're a bit lost.

56:28I know my dad would not know what to do with his day if my mom wasn't around. And at the as they age, one of the things that doctors always say, the first thing that as you get older and you go to the doctors, they'll say to you, have you got a wife? And even when my dad, when they do a check, if we got a wife, they check because why? Because the rate of healing after surgery is faster and quicker when you have a wife. And your rate of recovery from cancer is better when you have a wife. Somebody checking in on you does a lot for a man, because they don't get that from their social network as much as women do.

56:57So a woman aging alone, I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's more adapted to it than a man aging alone who then starts to self -sabotage. And actually, life becomes a slow suicide for them. I had a look at Dr. Robert Waldinger, the guy who is currently heading the longest ever longitudinal student study of happiness.

57:20And marriage seems to add about four years of lifespan to a man for a woman. It's round about the same. So men get, for all of the marriage is a terrible deal for guys, she's going to take everything in the divorce. Don't get me wrong. There's a lot of divorce. And it's not great for either party. But the deal for men is really fucking good. You want to live four years longer, like find a partner. law and responsible more. But one thing I would say is that the family laws are so horrible in certain countries. And I'm a big advocate for marriage, but mainly because I come from a spiritual religious background, but from a non religious background, I can't see why it seems like a death sentence to get the law involved and to get married because she can walk away with a law, even if like she was up to blame.

58:05So I can understand where the fear comes from, but you almost have to take that risk in order to get the reward of a stable, responsible life. I think the risk is increasing and the reward has stayed the same. But the risk can be mitigated by a good selection. When you start trusting your decisions, you'll be less likely to be fearful of these consequences. But when you make poor decisions, of course everything is a risk. Why do you think there's this generalized culture of anti -children and family creation at the moment? I wonder where that's stemming from. I do think it's a sad reality. I don't know where that's coming from.

58:40I just think the reality is there's so many alternatives to having kids now. You can travel or you can really become something if you want to become famous. You can become famous. You can travel the world. You can make a lot of money. You can do all of these things. But you know, if you speak to people who have even, you know, scored goals in the world cup, they'll still tell you that the best moment of their life is when the child is born. So I think it's a really negative thing to place, to kind of put on society. I think the reality is when you know that you're going to have kids, you have to take more responsibility of your life.

59:10You have to save more money, you have to look after your health, it gives you a will to live. Now to remove that from you is that it's a slow and steady self -sabotage. When you don't have any children for the rest of your life, and you think you're never going to have them, essentially you could be a car wreck, and no one's going to watch you, whereas when you have children, it's an automatic therapy. You have to fix your traumas. You have to fix it for self -sabotaging behaviors. So you're depriving yourself of reaching your full potential when you completely write that off, I believe, Why could be wrong with that?

59:38I, you were preaching to the choir, I think, that it's really great. All of my friends that have become fathers, they've stepped up in a way that I'm impressed by. Like, they were, they were hitters before and they're even bigger hitters now. Yeah. Which is why it surprises me that there is this generalized anti -children, anti -family creation culture. It's really good, like, sometimes, you know, and they even do it with men that are in, like, you know, in trouble with the law and stuff. Sometimes when they have children, is the only way to get them off the streets, because it's the only thing that gives them that motivation, that they can't find outside of it.

1:00:10So if you are feeling bad, maybe it's a, you need to say, have a kid. Well, I understand what you mean as well, that there is this kind of mass individualism. I think some of the most common reasons is to why people aren't getting into relationships at the moment, working on myself right now, just don't feel ready, sort of biting my time, so to speak. See if a childish thing. It's just, it's a focus on the individual and it's very isolationist, it's very atomized, it's all about the individual on their own. Don't get me wrong, you know, if you spend your time, maybe you're working from home post COVID, maybe your job doesn't actually require you to interact with that many other people or maybe you're doing it all through slack and through zoom.

1:00:59You don't need to really leave the house that much anymore. you can door dash your food, you can Amazon Prime, whatever it is that you need, you can stay on the couch and watch Netflix. We've become more isolated and I think that that trend almost causes us to justify more isolationism. And it also, it's called Extended Adolescence, our slow life strategy, that Gene Twangie found. And this is just never really getting to the stage of growing up. You know, young people are getting the driver's licenses later, they're starting work later, they're moving out of the house later. Like the most common living arrangement for men and the age of 30 is still being at home with their parents.

1:01:35Yeah, and this is one of the things I, you know, I get a lot of slack on for online because I talk a lot about age gaps and sometimes young women, you know, they go for older men and they'll say, yeah, but he's 40. I know I'm only 22, but at least he'll be more responsible. And then we all settle down responsibility. Well, the maturity is not defined by age is defined by how much responsibility you have. And I always say if he's got to 40, no kids, no marriage under his belt, he's chosen that Peter Pan lifestyle. No 23 year old is going to come along and make him up. He's chosen to be that man.

1:02:05Are you sure you want to be with him? You're better off with a 30 year old that's got more responsibility than a 45 year old who hasn't because if you think a number defines maturity, your lost, the reality is, it's the amount of responsibility, particularly responsibility and care for others. So if he's supporting family, if he's supporting an ex -wife or he was married or he had kids, it does something to men. It creates a level of responsibility and accountability that they can't get without that. So I do always tell women, don't be afraid of being with a man that's had kids or a man that's been married, they're better than the ones that have had no baggage because baggage is responsibility which is then accountability for a man.

1:02:43Do you think the same is true in reverse? No, unfortunately, it doesn't work the same way with women, not always. It can sometimes but it doesn't always work the same way because women, when they have children, good women with healthy women, actually prioritise the children first and foremost. And if she does, one of the priorities is becoming then super cautious of the man that she allows to enter into the man's world. And if she's a really good mother, she tends to keep a good, co -parenting relationship with the ex and a lot of men don't feel comfortable with that. But the true good woman, like the single mom that you should be looking for, is the one that's got a good relationship with that ex husband.

1:03:21What men do is a prefer the woman that it has no contact with the ex and the kids I've never seen the ex and they think oh I'll go for that girl at least the baby father's not around. That's a signal that she deprives or prevents children from connecting with their father. That's not a good thing. That's not a green flag. That's actually a red flag. So what men are doing is sometimes they're selecting women and thinking she's got children but she doesn't like the kids see their dad and they not in his life and he was a bum. But what does that tell you about her selection process? and what does that tell you about her ability to cope her?

1:03:49And it's an insight into what would happen if you two broke up. You won't exist for those children. That's not a healthy mother. A healthy mother is huge. She hit on me. He was all four. He was a wreck. But the kids knew their father. I dropped him every Friday. That's the healthy mother. But men don't interpret single motherhood the way they should. Yeah. Do you have any idea how far thelessness impacts boys and girls' behavior and what they look for when they grow up and start dating? With women, they definitely, here's the problem women have when they grow up without a father figure and they really feel it is they'll always date a lot older men.

1:04:25So they'll be 17, 18 years old and they're looking at the 30 year old and the 35 year old and they're getting older and older and there's a huge gap between them. Now my experience of working with women that go for these age gap relationships is they are in survival mode without a father. They need that safety and comfort and the conversations that we normally find really boring coming from our father about mortgage rates and saving your money, they sexualise those conversations. So when they hear it from an older man, they're like, oh no, he's so responsible, it's they're not used to it. So they end up initially going for that older man falling in love, but once they feel safe and they've got the money and they've got the safety, they then look for men around their own age.

1:05:01They end up, it's like it's almost like having a safe secure base. Once you've got an older father figure in your life, then you go on to see what you're sexually attracted to. But until you've got that secure base, you're in survival mode. You're looking for who can make you feel safe, not who can make you feel who you're attracted to. So they confuse, they blur the lines between attraction and safety and they end up looking for it in an order man, but then cheating on him with a younger man. Do you think that they over prioritise socioeconomic status in that regard? Rightly so, I understand why because they don't have a backup plan.

1:05:34When you grow up with your father, you know at some point, you'll help you and things get rough or you'll leave something for you and stuff and it naturally curates a level of safety. They don't have that safety and usually if they come from a single mom home, she's also encouraging her to look for a rich man because it benefits her as well. Yeah, there's usually some kind of like support network. Okay, you can come live with us and so on and so forth. So they come from a culture of, you know, you don't have to love a man. All men are annoying and they're difficult. So just choose one that's going to give you a good life.

1:06:01So they end up focusing on social economic status, but they also end up with men with low -stopper steam because a man with high self esteem at 40 years old would recognize he's got nothing in common with a 22 year old who makes tiktok So today he wouldn't have any intellectual intimacy so she ends up with an older man with low self esteem Who when she does cheat on him will still take her back and so on and so forth who pays every bill or whatever it is She's so sure again. She ends up with a man that she doesn't respect in the long run But really advise initially because he provides that with that safety.

1:06:31She's been craving Yeah, you you told me about this book you'd been reading to do with parental alienation What's that? Well, the thing is I was looking into parental elimination only because I see it so much going on But one of the things Punishment's women use for a man that's bit that she feels has let her down is depriving her of access to the children Now the problem I see happening is with the children of such mothers Especially the men of such mothers they go on to have very very abusive relationships So many grow up with single moms who blocked access. They end up with women who are very abusive either they're on Facebook or they financially abuse them or they're physically abusive, they grow up with very, they end up selecting very abusive women.

1:07:15And from my observation, from what I'm reading, it looks like what happens is when you've been deprived of a father and you've only heard mum's side of the story. What happens is they put their mum on a pedestal. They think, mum's women are the innocent victims of harsh men. So what will happen is they pray to women that need saving. They always gravitate towards women that they can save and help in nurture and say, oh yeah, that man was terrible. I've got you. I'm going to help you. I'm going to show you what life looks like because I've been doing that to mum my whole life. The problem with those women is they are broken beyond you.

1:07:47You can't fix them. Most women can't be saved. They haven't something broken that they need to fix themselves. But the man that thinks he can save her is the one that's a little bit more delusional and he gets his self -esteem from seeing her now love him. So unfortunately, he ends up going for very broken women that end up reabusing him and he ends up not having those boundaries that he needs with women. So they end up in very poor relationships when they've been raised by a mother that's blocked access to fathers. You often hear about the reverse about women who look for the guy that's broken but I can fix him and I can hold on.

1:08:26Why do you think that happens? We hear it a lot with women. It happens in men as well. We hear it a lot in women because it's a huge ego boost knowing that a man used to be a player but for you he changed or he used to be in that jail but for you he changed. Here's the reality. You're competing with people's childhood, not other women. If I've got a man that's really broken and he sleeps around and he's doing drugs or whatever it is and I think I'm going to fix him and I'm going to be the special person. I'm competing with his childhood traumas. You can't compete with somebody's childhood. essentially you're always going to lose.

1:08:55Now whatever cause that addictive behavior or that abusive behavior still exists before you, you are not the therapist and you are not the cause of the win. So don't take on that role, you're only going to hurt yourself. The best thing you can do is support them while they heal it. But to attribute his healing to you as a person is a form of narcissism. You're wanting to feel good by his healing, not for the sake of him healing, but for you to get an ego boost to know that you could do it. And it's not the way to do it. I was looking at a bunch of headlines that have come out recently to do with reality TV dating shows.

1:09:32What do you think are the lessons that young people are taking about love given how many reality TV shows are to do with coupling up and breaking up and making up? It's about winning. Yeah, it's all about competition. Essentially what we've done is taken in love and tend it into a game show. Now, there's no way that won't have a chukku down effect on society. What we're learning is to cheat on them before they can cheat on you. Get to Kasa more and a couple of up before they can do it themselves. So essentially, we're going into relationships retreating our partners as opponents and who can win.

1:10:05And the prize of this kind of competition is who can be the loniest fastest? Who can create the loniest, a lonely relationship faster? Who can get single faster? So if I cheat on you first or if I don't text back first or if I do, I win. But what are you winning? What's the trophy of these games? The trophy is a lifetime of loneliness. So essentially we've made the prize. Depression is the prize of depriving yourself of love, unfortunately. Yeah. I mean, you've got experience and did you find that it became a competition? Are you in there? So I was pretty bored for most of my, for all of my experience on love Island.

1:10:41I was also going through an existential crisis because I was faced with a bunch of people that I thought I was. I was adamant that I was this big name on campus party boy, and then I go on Love Island, and I'm faced with people who are the role that I was pretending to be. And I just read Paulo Quaylor's The Alchemist as well. He was like the first book I'd read in probably a decade. So I was kind of in this weird, I had this weird out -of -body experience for a good chunk of that time where all of these things were going on and there was storylines or whatever. And all I was thinking about was this guy, if anyone's not read the alchemist by Paolo Cuello, there's this young shepherd boy going on a journey of self discovery, trying to find out who he is.

1:11:24And that really, really spoke to me at the time. And I was in the South Coast of New York, which is Spain. And it was in the middle of summer. And I was read this book during the media lockdown week. And then went in in this total fucking fever dream. So my experience of love Island, that I don't think is perfectly representative. Yeah. Some of the things that I did realize, were that it teaches young people that love is a game to be played. Yeah. That loyalty is both super important and also unbelievably disposable at the same time. Like think about when love island comes on TV in the UK. I'm team such and such.

1:12:05Yeah. Right like cardio or whatever like like stress like you know like whatever way that they yeah They they try and do that thing. I'm team this and then as soon as one person decides they're going to move on Typically if it's a guy he's being totally unfair if it's a girl Maybe that dude was a bummer if he was cute or like sweet then that was her fault and she shouldn't have done it it's so It It encourages people to make very quick decisions, to fall very hard, very fast, to have loyalty, but only have loyalty to someone who's likable. Like a lot of people, unlikeable people deserve relationships too.

1:12:45You know what I mean? Yeah. Everybody needs somebody. Yeah. Yeah, it really does. It's like a popularity contest even in there. Absolutely. Yeah, of course, of course, because, you know, the status... Do you get real emotions, like real jealousy and real anger? I didn't have a single romantic emotion during a love event, but I had a lot of romance, no romance, but a lot of romance, right? While I was in there, I cried when I left because I was missing my boys. Like, I didn't want to leave my boys behind and I had this really intense emotional experience. I'd, you know, spent a lot of time. I'd really connected with guys while I was there, but I, the girls were perfectly pleasant, but I wasn't bothered about leaving them alone.

1:13:24Did that affect yourself assuming, anyway, that it wasn't connecting with the girls and not really did you just find validation? Not particularly, I just wasn't, I really was not attracted to any of them. Okay, so that's the point. It was, we kept on saying, when the girls were coming in, everybody had a type, right? And I don't think that they'd read necessarily all of the guys' sheets. And you can see that in the fact that there isn't a single relationship from that season. Wow, not one. No one. No. Even the winners? Even the winners. The winners lasted, I think less time than anybody else. I go.

1:13:53So, married at first sight, have you seen this story? I'm a familiar with it. Okay, so for the people that don't know, the transgender bride set to take married at first sight UK by storm transitioned age 21 at an NHS hospital before spending 50 ,000 pounds on cosmetic surgery to be taken seriously as a woman. Male online can reveal today. Channel four viewers will see Ella Morgan, 29 who was born Evan Morgan, wed a male contestant amid a rout over whether the groom was told first or not. Ms Morgan is shown in the trailer for married at first sight, telling her new husband her big secret after they married, having admitted her transition has made her fear rejection after being treated as a dirty secret.

1:14:34In the past, however, Channel 4 has now revealed that they did tell a man in advance who'd be marrying a trans woman. It is understood that the man is furious with how the broadcast treated him during the show and afterward. But the beauty and fashion consultant from Bristol says she is determined to be the star of the show to shed light on the struggles and realities of being trans, adding, we're not freaks or mentally ill, I'm still just like any other girl. It's going to be difficult for you to come in on this one, Sadia. It is going to be difficult. I'm trying to see how I can behave and not offend, but here's the reality of it.

1:15:06If I was, even if I was born a woman or whatever, and I had millions of cosmetic procedures, and I have a higher risk of depression because of the lifestyle I've chosen, a man has every right to know them, and has every right to say it's not for me. It's not for me. I wouldn't be with somebody who is born a woman because it's just not for me, I'm a heterosexual woman and I'm entitled to identify as that. Now what I find, the thing is, if it's really painful to be transgender and it's a lot of suffering, I don't think it's good for TV to kind of capitalize on that for views and time use that as somebody suffering as a form of views, but I also say that it does make you different from other women.

1:15:46If you're saying the trans struggle, it was really hard for you and your childhood and you found it really depressing, that makes you different to the woman that grew up in the body she identifies with. So to say that you're on par with the typical woman is not true because you've gone through a different type of trauma that we haven't. So essentially you're never going to be like a woman, not even just physically but also psychologically, you're never going to be like a woman and it's okay to never be like a woman. It's okay, the thing that I find difficult to understand about the whole trans debate is one for many decades we were told gender is a social construct.

1:16:21It's just this imaginary thing that we're telling people. We've only been told that for about one decade. Yeah, yeah. We've been told it's a social construct. Everybody's saying it's a social contract. The Liberals are saying it's a social construct. But then if you say that you identify as the opposite gender, they give you biological treatment. Now if it's a social construct, essentially you're only identifying as a social construct, you don't need to change your biology. It doesn't make any sense. It's like saying that your football team, who you support, is a social construct. I don't need to change my biology to be a man United supporter because essentially it's a social construct.

1:16:50So if gender is a social construct, why do we need a transition? I think the argument on the other side of the fence would be, I want my outer appearance to reflect my inner experience. Then why not change your inner experience rather than your outer? I don't know whether they have control over that. But that's no different to it. For example, anorexic will genuinely believe that they are the fattest person on the world. they identify as fat. Now the reality is I'm not going to give them a liposuction so that their brain and their body are aligned. I have to look at the psychological defect that caused them to be unaligned and focus on the psychology first and if that doesn't like then we can look at biological procedures.

1:17:31But the reality is I don't see how when it comes to anorexic I get that there's you know self it's not healthy or whatever it is. But the same time we know the suicide rates and transgenders is not healthy either. We're biological procedures while skipping psychological interventions? Yeah, I had a Hannah Barnes on the show. She did a big investigation into Gids, the gender identity, something service that was at the Tavistock Clinic in the UK that's recently been shut down and then kind of restarted again and then the restart kind of, I think, had some controversy as well. And there is an unbelievably high percentage of autism and and OCD and other sort of co -psychopathology type things in the trans community.

1:18:18And there is this big question that she asked, which was, are people mentally disturbed because they're trans? Or are they trans because they're mentally disturbed? And there is a question to be asked that if untreated autism or OCD or something like that, if that ended up getting treated, whether the gender dysphoria downstream from that would dissipate. And that's a, I think that that would encounter in some of the real like hard -line trans communities. I think that would encounter some challenges because they would say that almost by getting rid of the autism, you're denying the personhood of the trans person because it delegitimizes the gender dysphoria and almost makes it like how the light bulbs in here give off light but also heat.

1:19:03It's like, oh, the gender dysphoria was a side -effective autism. And we don't know, we don't know the direction of causality here, but it's one of the most heavily contested, highly hot topics. Would you be ostracized as a man that chooses not to be with a transgender woman in America? Depends where you're talking about. I mean, this discussion of are you allowed to have your own preferences? Is fascinating, right? Right, you know, if you prefer blondes, is that somehow prejudiced against brunettes and genders? Yeah. If you prefer tall girls, is that somehow prejudiced against petite girls? Like the line between the question of, are you being either transphobic or homophobic by not dating somebody who is biologically the same sex as you but has transitioned?

1:19:55It seems like a slippery slope from there to just, well, why shouldn't you date somebody that self -ides as that. I don't need to do the external comparison. Do you know Blair White? Are you familiar with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so Blair's a good friend. She looks more like a girl than a lot of girls. But I don't know if she was just getting to a relationship with somebody and not open up about, well, she hasn't had bottom surgery, so it's a surprise that's waiting to visit you at some point. It's a fascinating discussion. I do think that the not dating transition people is transphobic. Argument has kind of been in gone.

1:20:38Anybody that genuinely looks at that and says, yeah, you should date how we tell you to date. It's, again, like, does that mean that I have to date everybody? Why do I not have to be attracted to my video guy? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, I'm supposed to have, I'm allowed to have preferences. Yeah. And yeah, it becomes kind of a self -defeating. Did you ever hear about the study with Dr. Money and the twins? So there was two twins that went to hospital to get circumcised, but they accidentally burnt the penis off one. So what the doctors decided to do is raise their child, they were both boys, but raise a child that had his penis bent off as a woman, as a girl.

1:21:15So for the first seven years of life, they just put her in dresses, made her believe that she was a girl, everything was like, you're just a girl. But as the girl hit puberty, she felt more and more like a boy, and she I remember him being suicidal saying, I want to be a boy, I feel like a boy, I want to play with the balls and I want to play sports. And so eventually they told him the truth and he went back to being a boy because he just the self discovery of your hormones. But eventually ended up committing suicide because of the trauma. So the whole idea of playing with people's gender, especially when they do pre -pubuity because that study showed that as soon as puberty hit in, completely a boy again.

1:21:52So if you try and block, like the hormones before puberty, you're blocking them, their self -discovery that might occur after hormones. So it's quite a dangerous thing to do. It's dangerous. Talking about dangerous things, do you think that hot girls are more crazy? Always. Do you think hot girls are more crazy and you're only the experience as well? I've been around quite a few hot girls, but some of them can be very balanced. But I won't give me your treatise on hot girls being crazy. Here's what it is with a very attractive women. They don't get an insight into the average man and how average men behave.

1:22:25They get an insight into men that incredibly intimidated by their beauty or incredibly lustful after their beauty. So they see men either kind of ignore them, so the quiet good guys either just kind of intimidated by them, but the loud, gregarious, kind of adulterous men are after them. So they'll see guys that will leave their wives to be with you. They'll see guys that will drop everything to kind of, you know, even if they're girlfriends in the same room, they'll quickly sticky their number. They'll see guys that will risk their jobs, you know, if they're your boss to be with you. So they see men as these huge risk takers that will do anything to have sex with you.

1:22:59So what ends up happening is she loses her naivety about a man. She no longer thinks men are faithful. She's seen so many men break up whatever they have just to be with you and just to access you. She's seen so many men who break their back just to touch you. So what happens is when her husband now says to her, oh, there's a new colleague at work. Her brain is like, well, every colleague at my work has always hit on me. Are you hitting on this girl? Or if her husband says I'm just going to the gym, she's like, well, whenever I go to the gym, somebody hits on me, what are you doing? So they end up being suspicious because they are privy to men at their worst when they're sexually attracted to a woman.

1:23:32They don't have that naivety that a more plain woman would have where she could walk past a guy in a bikini and he doesn't harass her. She knows if she walks past a guy in a bikini, it drops everything. So she sees men as more dangerous than they are and therefore she thinks her partner is more sexual than he might be and as a result she tends to be more intense and crazy and less naive. But not necessarily more accusatory I would say. Yeah because she uses her experience about the world to predict what everybody else's experience is about the world. And in her defense, beautiful women, it takes a certain level of confidence and a certain level of no fear rejection to access a beautiful girl.

1:24:09So, her pool of men tend to be the men that are more likely to be on faithful. Wow, that's interesting. So, very attractive women are a selection effect for the kinds of experiences that they have in life, the kinds of interactions that they have with other women and other men. So, presumably they'll often see other women as threats. Well, they've experienced other women seeing them as threats. And they've seen the competitive nature of women and they've seen women because here's the thing with beautiful women. If you walk into a room with a really beautiful woman or the other beautiful woman, we're now starting looking at you thinking there must be something about, I'm sure they look at you anyway, but they would pay more attention because there must be something about Chris because she's unbelievable.

1:24:49So what ends up happening is with beautiful women start to see how disrespectful other women can be. They're looking at your man, they're competing with you because to get a beautiful woman's man makes the other women feel more attractive. If you walk in with an absolutely 12 out of 10 and then you give me attention, I now I think I'm prettier than her. So therefore I want your attention more than the guy that's with the girl that's not that attractive. So we see this competitive nature of women. We see that we can put men, women can put men on the map. And they see that men are very soft and they give into beauty quite quickly and easily.

1:25:23So they lead to a trust issue that is harder to kind of overcome. So interesting. Yeah, the psychology of an attractive woman is one that is very different to a psychology of a less attractive woman. and they're two different species. Yeah, so you have women seeing other women primarily as enemies, they're often gonna be frosty to them. They're also kind of hyper aware of the power that they can bestow on the partner that they're with, which probably makes them a little bit tentative about giving that man that power, because if they pre -select that particular type of man, you're putting him on the map.

1:25:55Yep, and then you also said that these women being super attractive selects for a very specific type of guy that is sufficiently confident to go up and speak to you, or men will make ridiculous and wild uterns in their life in an attempt to get to you, which also gives you a pretty unrepresented experience of what most men are like. Yeah, and then when the looks start to fade, it's a harder transition for them. When the look started to fade from a woman who is quite plain, she sees it as life. When the look started to fade with an attractive woman, she sees it as disastrous because a lot of the power has gone.

1:26:35So they might not always, but they might respond to it with a lot more insecurity, especially after children. But if she has good values, she recognizes that the looks are replaced with family connection, but she doesn't have good values and her identity is built on her appearance. you'll see that she'll go to more and more extents to kind of prove her attractiveness and that might be to promiscuity. So her identity can't be designed and around her looks. It will make her very fragile. It's rough. Being an attractive woman must be hard. Genuinely, it must be very difficult to try and go through the world.

1:27:11Because with men, typically, their value to the world doesn't wax and wane in quite the same way. you know, it starts off low, even super attractive guys will remain being attractive for a very long time. Forever, like. And you just have this sort of slow and steady increase presumably and then it'll dip out and then it'll start to even off towards. And when it dips, you don't care. It dips. By that time, you're so settled in life, you don't care. But for women, it can dip a lot earlier. And there's a lot of talk about pretty privileged and pretty privileged and pretty privileged out. But there's lots of disadvantages.

1:27:44And the main thing is people look for your flaws a lot more. What happens when you're not attractive is people can accept what you're saying and doing and they don't really delve into it But when you're attractive, there's an element of other women or even men saying well, I bet she's dumb Well, I bet she's a hoe or I bet they're looking for the negative so much more than all those are bet She's really arrogant and very vain so you almost have to work against people's negative assumptions of your character As much as they make positive assumptions of your appearance, they make lots of negative assumptions about your character So you're in a bit of a battle and then it's not as easy as it might look to other people.

1:28:21I saw, I was a model for a decade and a half in the UK and I saw a lot of the girls almost counter signal. They would turn up in the most slouchy clothes that they could. You know, they would purposefully wear their hair up, they would purposefully wear glasses, they wouldn't wear revealing clothes, they would try and act in ways that were more bookish sometimes as well. And this could just be their personality, it could have been the girls I was around. But I also think there might be something going on here that they're trying to counter signal, I am more than just what I'm currently being paid for as a part of my career.

1:28:59I'm more than just a pretty face. I'm more than just a lingerie model. I'm more than just someone that's supposed to smile and giggle and look nice on camera. And is it harder meant to realize that they're more than that? Or is it hard for them to like, can they compartmentalize and think that she's got more to do? A good question. Or do they do they do they get overwhelmed and need like attached to her appearance? So there's a big difference between beauty and hotness. And most models, at least the ones that I was working with, it wasn't sort of glamour stuff or underwear stuff that much. It was like fashion stuff.

1:29:29It was like cutesy editorial girl next door type thing. So it was probably optimizing more for beauty than it was for hotness. Yes, okay. Yeah. And, but certainly when it comes to hotness, it's a fucking reality distortion field for men, right? And this is what we were saying. This is the word that was coming to my mind as you were talking about this, that the reality of a very, very hot woman is like a sphere that follows around to just distorting all of her experiences with women, with men at restaurants, getting into nightclubs, with careers, everything. Yeah, the super hot sexy woman gets it, probably the worst because they activate a man's short term mating strategies.

1:30:08They have long term mating strategies with who they want a family with and short term who they just want to mate with and they activate that in men. So a really sexy girl will activate a man's short term mating strategies and she'll also activate threats in women. Now women's usual threats when they when they threatened with a woman is to go well suggest that she's promiscuous so they might say to the man oh yeah but she's really promiscuous not realizing that actually makes her more attractive to them because they're like, well, I'm really looking for a short term from Miss Kier. Are you trying to sell her to me?

1:30:35Yeah, so they think that they're actually undermining her by saying she's so promiscuous and she's a slut and she's this and the other. But the man when it's short term mating strategies are activated, that's exactly what he's looking for. So she ends up with men who just want short term mating strategies. And as a result, she starts to see men as seeing disposable. And therefore, it can be really negative for the hot woman. It does make sense about why it would be hard to have a normal, a normal mindset. I'm aware that it's easy. You'd like the Pamela Anderson effect. Yeah, it's easy to throw shade.

1:31:06Like our hot girl's crazy. Like it's easy to just throw shade at them. But this is why I like these kinds of conversations because it really helps everybody to understand the experienced psychology, you know, the lived experience of somebody that's on that side of the fence. And you can say, ah, pretty privileged. The halo effect, you know, she's getting in for free at nightclubs and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, but what if she's got zero female friends? What if she can't find a female friend that doesn't see her as an enemy or an adversary or a competitor? What if every single guy that she spends time with is terrified to speak to her or is, it's just, it's so interesting.

1:31:42So on the other side of the fence, do you think it's more difficult for successful or desirable men to settle down? It's only difficult when they grew up with our, when they've gotten low self esteem. For men, their success with relationships is very much determined by their self -esteem. Women can get a shortcut with their appearance and so on and so forth. For men, their self -esteem is either going to propel them into a great relationship or prevent them from any kind of stability. Now, if he grew up without any validation and not knowing if he was attractive, what happens is, his self -esteem is almost blocked at that stage of life and then he can still be a sucker to women and still kind of accept the unacceptable simply because he wants to be desired.

1:32:23but if he has good self -esteem and good boundaries, he will never suffer in relationships. He just won't because he knows when he's well -cooked, he knows when he's not accepted when the relationship's not working, and he has a willingness to walk away. So the thing is, money with low self -esteem is really, really difficult. It's a very lonely path. It's a lot of gold diggers, it's a lot of escorts, it's a lot of partying even out there in our ordinate. Now, money with high self -esteem and good values is, you know, it's still difficult, but you can create something out of that. What about successful women?

1:32:58They struggle. They really struggle because essentially, with successful women, here's the thing, men always say, oh, when women earn more, they leave men, but they don't realize why. There's actually studies to show that when men are with women that earn more than them, they produce more cortisol. They're actually more angry and stressed around her. And that obviously has a negative impact on their testosterone, so they're actually less sexually attracted to her. And so they're meaner to her. They mean and also they don't treat it the same way. If a man is dating a woman who knows is unemployed, say if he's on 20 ,000 pounds a year, he'll still use whatever he has to treat her well, like, you know, look after.

1:33:31But if he's on 20 ,000 pounds a year and she's on 50 ,000, he'll use nothing to invest in her. Now, women don't need your money, but they do need your investment because that's how men fall in love. The more they invest in something, the more they attach to it. If they invest a lot of money in a car, they'll really care about it. Lost a lot of money into a Bitcoin, they want to see it go up. invest money into a woman, they want to see it work out. So when they are with a woman that earns more, they invest so little, so walking away seems so easy for them, and it seems so hard for her because she's been the one that's investing in them.

1:34:00So it's very difficult, it's not just the woman who's rich and actually leaves you. The man no longer adds any value. That is the main issue. He doesn't use whatever tiny resources he has on the woman like he normally would. How can people better deal with jealousy than in relationships? It's very difficult. When it's activated, because it comes from some childhood trauma and stuff, when it's activated, that loneliness and that rejection is activated as it may have been as a child and it's like the world is over when somebody's jealous. But I think in my experience of working and even my own experience of jealousy, the only thing that helps remove jealousy is really building an identity outside of the relationship.

1:34:39If jealous people tend to place their entire self worth and identity on the happiness of their partner and how attracted their partner is to them and what their partner is doing. Now the reason why that's so fragile is because your partner is a fallible person who's going to have time to look at somebody else, they might be attracted, whatever happens, their entire identity is crushed. So to remove that jealousy you really have to create an identity outside of the relationship which gives you the confidence that if this relationship is great I'm going to be in it. If it doesn't work for me, it's okay.

1:35:09I can go somewhere else, but that fear of letting go and fear of that they're going to find somebody else. It means that they're in a constant competition with their partner and they almost terrified that the partner's going to meet somebody else. But really, when you build your own identity, you realize if they do meet somebody else, they're no longer the person you loved anyway. So it's okay. You almost have a Zen attitude towards it. It's very difficult. Do you have a suffer a tendency? Not massively, but that's that's been improved by having more things occur in life that have given me a more stable foundation.

1:35:43One of the challenges I suppose is that if you get jealous, you have two very difficult choices. One is tell your partner that can go badly, that can be perceived in the wrong way or even if it's perceived and the right way it can change the way that you are perceived. And the other one is to just swallow it yourself and deal with it on your own, which then begins to create a trend in a relationship of keeping things from your partner. Well, it doesn't actually stay in your side. You think you're swallowing it, but you're then manifesting it in the form of checking when they're online, checking who they're following, checking, checking, and then bursting at small things.

1:36:19Not the real issue. So when your partner turns up late or doesn't reply to your text, then you over -exaggerate your response because that jealousy has been kept inside. So it doesn't go anywhere when you keep it in. It stays inside you. The body keeps score of it as they say. So the reality is by expressing it and with the right person, they'll try and help you soothe that jealousy with some reassurance. With the wrong person, they'll make you feel stupid and pathetic. Maybe you're being stupid and pathetic and they can't handle it, but they'll make you feel that way and then the jealousy then exaggerates and increases.

1:36:48So it's a good test of your compatibility if you do explain it to your partner. Yeah. One of the things I've been thinking about is almost like historical jealousy. And this is where the body count conversation comes in. What have you come to believe about how much body count matters and then how can people deal with historical jealousy better? Well, the thing is, it's now become a big topic of debate and men are like, oh, body count, body count, body count, it's a big deal. Here's what I really say about body count. The testament of your body count is more your rejection rate than how many people you slept with.

1:37:21Now if you are, let's take free food, somebody like you for example, who's got a big name on social media, looks great, access to loads of women through the nightclub. Now if your body count is, let's say if it's 10, but you've had hundreds of girls throwing themselves at you, yours is actually still low. Whereas if another guy who has no access to women, here's, but finally gets one or two girls to sleep with them on paper, it might be less, but his rejection rate is so low. And now instead of looking at how much, people be versed with, is they look at their rejection rate. Now for girl, listlet with five men or ten men, but only five or ten men have a try to approach her.

1:37:54That means every man that tries gets access. But if she's a really attractive woman, she might have higher, but her rejection rate is higher. So really look at how many people you, your partner is rejecting rather than just their body count because on paper, a really unattractive man who has nothing going from his body count is going to be low. Does it mean he's a decent man? It's just that he didn't have the opportunity. Similarly, women that are not that nice to be around, not that kind, not that pretty, not that attractive. Her is going to be low. Does it mean she's virtuous? It's just that she didn't have access.

1:38:23It's the ones that have access, but choose to be selective. That's what you should be looking at. Is there selectivity? Problem is, you can't ask them the number, like how many rejections have you done in your life? Yes, you can't. That's a hard part, but what you can tell is how easily excited this person is by the opposite gender. It comes quite na, you can tell when people are super excited when the opposite gender pays them attention and other people are totally immune to it. That person that has a glee attached to attention is always going to maybe not have a higher body count because they, you know, might not get access, but they've got more risk of diversion because they get too much ego boost from the opposite sex and not from other areas of their life.

1:39:07So I think body count really has to depend on the person's ability to say no to sex. It's not just how many people they slept with, but how many people can they say no to? I've never heard this for a year before. I think it's very interesting. Yeah. What do you think about that, Jesus? The body count, the body count conversation is so skewed because the world that we're living in now is not representative before it would have been 10 years ago or 20 years ago. But the thing that I'm most interested in is historical jealousy. Yeah, so hearing stories about what your partner used to get up to, even if it happened once.

1:39:41And it's so strange. You didn't even know that they existed. You didn't know them. They didn't know you. They couldn't have said no because they were waiting for you to come. Maybe this was a one -time thing or whatever. And it triggers, especially in men, and it triggers such a visceral fear, right? If in adequacy of jealousy, but it's straight, like how can you be jealous about the thing that happened before you even knew your partner was? So yeah, it took me through your conception of historical jealousy. What happens with historical jealousy is human beings in general, we prefer pain, we can predict.

1:40:15Predictable pain is almost more welcome than, well, definitely more welcome than anything unexpected. Now, what we do is retractive jealousy is we hold on to the past as a way of predicting how they're going to hurt us in the future. The more you're anxious you are, the more you perceive threats in your environment. So what's happened with people who are jealous of the past is essentially they believe they have a core belief that the partner is going to hurt them at some stage anyway. Now if there's no present day evidence for that, they will look for it in the past and use that as a way of creating hypotheses of how they might hurt you in the future and therefore be mentally prepared for the sabotage.

1:40:51Now, so essentially what they're doing is preparing themselves for the worse, but they can't find evidence that they look for the past and it's usually because of a fear of randomment that they have within themselves. And I know it's more common in men because their fear is more stimulated by the fear of cocodery that she might, like evolutionally wise, she might have a child with somebody else and pretend it's yours, that fear. So it's ingrained in them. But more time that fear is activated when there's been some childhood abandonment. What about women? What are women worried about? We worry not as much about retro.

1:41:26We only worry about previous X's if there is some financial and emotional investment still going on, usually when there's kids. So what happens is women tend to get jealous of the X -Y where they've got kids and stuff like that. We get jealous of X's that are still a priority in their resources. So we're only threatened by women that have access to the resources, whether that's energy, time, or money. But if he's not giving them that, we are more worried about future threats. That's interesting. I imagine that must make a lot of the moving on starting a new relationship as a guy that has got some history.

1:42:02You know, earlier on, you mentioned if you're going to go for somebody that's a little bit older, it may be even in some regards to green flag that they've been through some relationships and You've got some baggage from that, but you also have the jealousy. Inclusion of the previous partner and potentially the previous kid, resources, attention, so on and so forth. So that must be a difficult situation to navigate. Yeah, not women suffer from that. They're really, really so jealous of the ex and the children and so on and so forth. And it is very difficult. I can imagine it would be horrible.

1:42:35But one thing that, again, if your husband has a good co -parenting relationship and is a good father. It's a foresight into how good of a partner he will be to you and your children. He prioritises his children is really, really important. Now a lot of women want a man to prioritize them over their children, but what kind of man is that? A man that prioritises a woman over his children. What kind of man is that? It's not a man you're going to be attracted to in the future, especially when you have children with him because that means the next woman in his life can take that priority. You need a man that prioritises his children and it's trying to see it as something you admire in him rather than jealous of him because it's a trait that's going to come in very handy when you have children with him.

1:43:13God willing. But that guy that is just all over the place and does it prioritise his kids, it's only handy in the short term. There was a post on Instagram that I saw literally on the car on the way here. When you find out that she's unvaxed, not a feminist, loves the Lord and despises to be a wife, mother and homemaker and it's Joe Rogan in the video going, No, it's a comedy thing. And the caption was, do such unicorns still exist? In the comments, people were dating. So girls were replying and saying, you know, you should come to church on a Sunday. We still exist out there. Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:43:50But what I'm fascinated by is what is going on where Unvax, not a feminist, loves the Lord, despised to be a wife, mother, and homemaker, is like counter culture, finding a bar of gold hidden in the sand like treasure? It is because we're so distracted by the women that aren't. The reality is they're we're so bombarded with images of the women who are the opposite, who are the feminists who are out there, who are not really of the Lord and don't really aspire to that. We see they're the loudest. So we see them on social media, they might be the ones that sexualize themselves a lot more, they might be the ones that put themselves out there.

1:44:29So what men are gravitating towards visually is going to be that filter of that kind of woman, the opposite. And the ones that are, that they're ignoring visually tend to have those qualities. So here's the thing in life, everything comes out of compromise. Now if you want somebody that was stimulating the most sexually, she's not going to be a virgin. She's not going to be on church on Wednesdays. She's just not going to be that girl. She might be somebody who's a little bit more conventional. If you want somebody who is going to be those that you might have to compromise now what's happening is because we've become so shallow and we value so many junk values such as so many superficial things like looks when she's not beautiful you don't even pay attention to her so she's not the most stunning girl it doesn't matter if she what qualities have she becomes invisible a bit like with men if they're not tall a lot of women will ignore their existence even if they've got all the other great traits similarly if she's not absolutely sexy with what men are now attracted to they're looking for sexy more than ever before because it's normalised, it's Instagram, it's pornography.

1:45:31If she's not sexy, they don't even notice that woman. So that's why they think women like this are unicorns, but they are there. You just don't notice them because they don't have their boobs on your full -upage. Why do you think infidelity occurs most commonly in your experience? I would only say, if you ever get cheached on, I always, and people hate me for this, but it's usually your fault. And the reason I say that particularly with men, a cheating woman shows you every red flag from day one. If you choose to ignore red flags, you'll pay the price. In life, you pay prices, there's price tags.

1:46:05Now everybody shows you that the cheetahs show you they're gonna be a cheat. And how they show it is very simple, their values. They'll maybe they'll show you that they've done it in the past, maybe they'll show you that they are not so traditional, maybe they'll show you that they are, don't believe in monogamy, may they're addicted to pornography. If you cheaters show you their past, they show you everything. Now if you don't want to get cheated on, you either choose that cheater but know what the score is and then you don't get hurt. You know what's going to happen. But ignoring red flags is always going to get land you in that position.

1:46:36Now whenever I have picked a client that has been cheated on a lot for five, six years and man's got another mistress or three years she's still been talking to her ex, I was like there's no way she can get to three years without you consenting. and they're like, what do you mean by that? I was like, they would have been late replies. They would have been days their phones are off. There's would have been not telling you where they're going. They tell you everything. Their social media would have suggested something. You would have been questioning them sometimes and they would have got defensive rather than reassuring you.

1:47:03They would have been signs you chose to ignore them, the price you pay for that unfortunately is infidelity. So you either accept an unfaithful, know what you're there doing and then just decide, okay, I can accept it, but I'd rather be with you than not without you. But denying the red flags is always, it's going to catch up on you. The infidelity is going to occur. So that's why people get cheated on. Why people choose to do it is because they can get the comfort of a relationship with the joy and pleasure of an alternative connection. So they get two in one. So they might get the comfort of somebody who pays a bills, but the sex life of a young personal trainer that she wants.

1:47:39And he might get the comfort of a good wife, but then the sexual experience of a escort when he goes and does that. So we've become so greedy. We don't realize that some things have to involve a sacrifice. A healthy marriage has to involve sacrificing the alternatives. We don't see the need to sacrifice alternatives. Because now we are so gluttonous, even if we eat a lot, we can still do that and get surgery. Even if we spend a lot, we can still get credit cards. We no longer see the sacrifice of alternatives as required in order for positive outcomes. Yeah, there's a cool quote that says There are no options only trade -offs for everything that you want.

1:48:21There is something else that you need to give up. I think that's a good way to look at relationships. Yeah. If you want a good healthy marriage, unfortunately, you might have to sacrifice the most exciting sexual experience every day of your life because that's what 20 years of marriage doesn't look like. You know, it's realistic. And if you want like a single life thing, you have to accept that you're emotional or like you might suffer from anxiety and depression when you're in the long run. So you've got to realize whatever decision you make, it comes with a lot of pain and suffering. Pick your pain.

1:48:49Being married, the pain might involve being bored, it might not be sexually stimulated, but being single, the pain might involve a lot of loneliness, depression and sadness. Just pick which pain you can handle and confine yourself to that decision and ward off all the alternatives. What do you think about getting back together after infidelity? Get back together. Absolutely. I don't, I speak, if there's children, I don't say no way, no way, no way. If there's no children, I always tell people to reconsider. But one thing I would say is different for men and women. When a man forgives a female cheat, she can't respect you the same way.

1:49:22You've got to remember we like alpha men. Alpha men don't accept promiscuity. So what happens when you accept a woman bag, a part of her will always feel like you're weak and you don't have the willingness to walk away because there's nothing that can push a man to walk away more than infidelity. And if that didn't do it, nothing will. So now she's lawless. For a man, again, I don't massively recommend it unless there's children, but I would focus more on what was the meaning behind the affair? What were they seeking? And if it's something that you can do in your marriage, by all means do it. But if it's something that's more traumatic, it's more to do with an emptiness and trauma in the childhood, and you can't feel that void, then you still can get back with them, but expect the behavior to continue.

1:50:04When people get back together out of the fair, I just say, but ask yourself if he stayed exactly the same and still cheated five years down the line, could you be okay with it? And if you decide, you know what, I can, as long as you're good to me and the good to the kids, I can do it. By all means do it. But don't go back together expecting it to be completely different. It's not realistic. Interesting to think that one of the considerations that you're focusing on to do with infidelity is not whether the person can accept that themselves, it's whether the the other person can accept being accepted, especially for women.

1:50:39Yes, so essentially, can you accept worst case scenario? It worst case scenario happens again, can you accept it? If the answer is no, then you're just delaying the divorce. Just do it now. If the answer is, yeah, because the alternative, I just don't want to do it, then go ahead. But always ask yourself, can I accept worst case scenario? Then if that happens, at least you're prepared for it. If it doesn't happen, at least you have to manage to do a shot. It's a brutal realization, I guess, for guys that maybe their partner may have had infidelity. And then they can try and do the work to be able to accept them again.

1:51:15But that is creating a rhythm, a vibe that may make it difficult for the partner that cheated on them to accept them back again. Yeah, something dies in us when you accept the unacceptable. because your masculinity is depleted and the other thing is the man loses his masculinity. He starts to hate himself for not being able to walk away. Instead of having a pride of attached to like okay I've kept my family together they know they shouldn't do it. There's something speaks to them so they end up hating themselves and because they can't always express that they can get quite hostile in violent towards a woman and can get quite verbally abusive towards her and I'm not saying she's like an angel but the verbal abuse and it's all you're doing is Like I said, you're just essentially punishing her for your inability to walk away.

1:52:06She's going to beg and say, please forgive me, please forgive me, but the reality is, we don't want the man that forgives us. We really don't. We want the man that says, you had your chance. It's been a pleasure. I wish you the best, because that's the moment we respect. Why do married women cheat? A lot of married women, a couple of reasons. They didn't marry the person they truly wanted to marry. They, they're a biological clock hit them, and they married who was available at the time. And they might have had an X that they idolized, they might have had something else that they didn't marry correctly.

1:52:41They didn't choose the person that they wanted to marry. They chose the person who wanted to marry them. And so they settled to begin with, they started wrong. And that can happen. On the alternative side, it could be is when she hasn't felt desired for a really long time. and she puts the feeling of needing to feel desired and sexy and attractive as a number one like emotion. So she'll put that over and above her family and she craves that. So if she's naturally born like quite attention seeking or if she married who wanted to marry her rather than who she truly wanted to marry, unfortunately she's more prone to cheating.

1:53:16Yeah. And also if she grew up with a bit of chaos, I find that women that come from single parent homes are far more likely to cheat. And the reason I've noticed that, the only hypothesis I can think of is that usually when somebody isn't fulfilling our needs, we can go back to a safe haven of two, we're designed to have two parents that love us. We've got mum and dad, two people love us. That's how it should be. Now, when those two people are one of them is absent, you always feel like there's a void. So when you're in a relationship and all of it is on him, if he stops giving you that love, you almost seek it as a backup because you don't want that emptiness that you may experiences of child.

1:53:51So they almost have a backup before they can leave the guy. They can't just leave and be by themselves because that really feels lonely. They're rather leave when they've got somebody else. It's like having that extra parent in your life. You like when you have mom that noisy you've always got dad. You've got a backup but when you didn't grow up with that, that being by yourself is really horrible and lonely. So they always if one person lets them down, they always try and keep a backup and case that person removes their love from them. It's a safety hatch. Safety hatch. What about men? Why do men cheat?

1:54:19Men usually cheat when they're chasing an ego boost They're not usually in love with the person that they're cheating with but they are in love with the feeling that person gives them and Sometimes the person makes them feel seen sometimes the person makes them feel like they've fed Philompto, they feel a person makes them feel attractive whatever it is heard They're chasing a particular feeling that they're deprived of either from their marriage or from their childhood and as a result they seek it is not sexual. People think it's just, oh, they're men love sex, men love sex. There's some men out there.

1:54:47If they really love sex, they just have sex with their wives. They haven't had sex with their wives in a long time. But they crave novelty or they crave somebody else making them feel a certain way. So I don't think it's all sexual. I think it's far more psychological and emotional than they think it is. And they label it as sex, but really it's the new person is get making them feel seen. And maybe they felt unseen for a really long time at home. And I suppose that a lot of single people or escorts are purposefully portraying a version of themselves that makes that person feel seen. Yeah, the escorts know exactly what they're doing, same with sugar babies.

1:55:23They know that with this man who's been married for so long, they target married men because they have a, in my experience of what is watching them, what they do is they have a leverage because every time he doesn't pay her, you can say, I'm gonna tell you a wife. So they really do target Married Men because they've got that leverage, but also the low self -esteem in Married Men is so easy to manipulate them. Giving them a phone call to tell them that they look great, tell them that they smell great, telling them that there's coffee already, they haven't heard these phrases in a really long time and that works perfectly with Married Men.

1:55:52But it doesn't work so much with a man who's been on the single scene for so long and has four or five different girls coming over every month or whatever it is. Because everybody's faunting over him in the same way. Yeah, so you don't stand out to that guy. How much do you think you can change your partner? You know, we've spoken a lot today about how things that have maybe happened in their past, the way that they see relationships, the frame that they place around this, maybe it's things from childhood, maybe it's the way that their past relationship or their past partner treated or mistreated them.

1:56:21What have you come to believe about how much you can shift and change who your partner is? I think you can provide them with some level of safety and that level of safety can make them a better version of themselves. But what we really have to ask yourself is, why are you selecting people you have to change? The reality is you have to select people and accept them rather than expect them to change. And if you can be with somebody that you expect, if they stayed exactly the same forever, would work by all means go ahead. But if you feel like you have to change them, you have to then change your expectations.

1:56:52Instead of changing them, just manage your expectations, expect them to behave this way. And if they change brilliant, if they don't change no worries, but expecting to change somebody is setting yourself up for failure because you're by default entering a relationship that you know requires work rather than just creating consistency. I looked at this thing earlier on talking about I guess the challenges that guys have of finding female connection, especially the in -cell sort of black pill part of the world, dreamgf .ai. So I read this article earlier on it's fascinating. Apparently ads for AI My girlfriends have been all over TikTok, Instagram and Facebook lately, replica and AI chatbot originally offering mental health, help and emotional support.

1:57:37Now runs ads for spicy selfies and hot roleplay. Either AI invites users to create their dream companion, while dream girlfriend promises a girl that exceeds your wildest desires. The app intimate even offers hyper realistic voice calls with your virtual partner. This may seem niche and weird, but it's a fast growing market. All kinds of startups are releasing romantic chatbots available of having explicit conversations and sending sexual photos. Meanwhile, replica alone has been downloaded more than 20 million times, and just one Snapchat influencer, Karen Marjorie, makes $100 ,000 a week by charging users $1 a minute to chat with the AI version of herself.

1:58:13But it isn't just unrealistic beauty standards that worry me. What's more sinister is the unrealistic emotional standards set by these apps. Either AI, for example, not only lets you choose the perfect face and body, but customise the perfect personality, offering options like hot, funny, bold, shy, modest, considerate, and smart, strict, rational. Create a girlfriend who is judgment free, who lets you hang out with your buddies without drama, who laughs at all of your jokes, control it all the way you want to promise his EVA AI designer girl who is always on your side, says replica. How can we compete with that?

1:58:45This article is written by a woman. Already, women in relationships complain about porn -addicted partners who aren't satisfied with actual intimacy. Now, while facing a future where guys could get addicted to emotional validation elsewhere, sneaking away for some of that unparalleled devotion. Worse, what about young boys who grow up with this, whose first sexual experience is chatting with AI women who never say no, never argue, never have original thoughts or an identity of their own, and then they try to date a real girl. There's already all of these men on Reddit raving about how their AI girlfriends never argue, complain or get bored of them, while real girls continually disappoint.

1:59:19point, if AI girlfriends really do become as pervasive as online porn, what will this mean for girls and young women who feel that they need to compete with this? I would imagine it's no different to the mindset of a rapist. Essentially what you're doing is dehumanizing the connection of sex. You're removing the human component and replacing it with a compilancy. Now the mindset behind that is very similar to a rapist. Essentially you don't care about the emotions of the person or even if they have emotions or the trauma or anything like that. You don't need human connection. You just need your fix.

1:59:53Now, when we normalize stuff like this and human pornography is done this, we've normalized men to the idea of dehumanizing women for the sake of sexual pleasure. And so much so that we are now creating non -humans to have sexual pleasure with. We are creating a society of rapists, that's essentially what we're doing. We're normalizing rape and legalizing it, but the mindset of not having human connection in order to get sexual gratification is exactly the same. So I think it's just the new version of porn. I think when we first heard about pornography maybe all the years ago when it started people would have thought, oh my god, that's the craziest thing in the planet.

2:00:28No way is that going to take off. But it's now at the tip of our hands on the phone every single day. I think this unfortunately is the sad future for human relationships because there's so many people looking for instant gratification that they would rather go down the dehumanizing then long -term gratification of creating connection. Yeah, I wonder as well. It was interesting what that lady said about how it's an almost unrealistic expectation to compete with them on an emotional level. Some of those things of laughing at their jokes and being on their side and not arguing. That doesn't seem like an unrealistic standard to me.

2:01:12being online 24, seven and being able to design your sort of dream girl in terms of the way that she looks. There is a little bit of me that thinks. Is it unrealistic? Yeah, is it unrealistic to laugh at his jokes? Or to be intimate with him or to give him compliments and praise? I think that is definitely there. Like, you should expect that from your partner. Your partner should be the person, the source of your compliments and praise. But the reality is, women are hormonal. Do we have a monthly cycle? We're not consistent emotionally. And as a result, there are times where we worship you and there's other times where we don't want to be around you.

2:01:46Unfortunately, that's how nature designed us. I'm not saying blaming it all on that, but that's a reality of human nature and that's a reality of women. Now, I get it's nicer to have that consistency, but it's again, but nicer and easier isn't better for our mental health. We're designed to struggle. We're designed to be like hunting, gathering to get a girl. That's what you're designed to go brave. Like go bravery and hunt, gather, get a line, bring it back or whatever animal and then a woman will sleep with you. Now if we're now creating a society of men where all they have to do is download an app to get that woman, you're removing masculinity and bravery and the ability to regulate another person's emotions and understand her kind of behaviors.

2:02:30You're removing that from men. So you're removing their ability to be their full potential and their ability to be masculine. because that's not how we designed. It definitely creates a kind of self -fulfilling cycle where guys who have had bad experiences with women in one form or another rejection or they've got into relationships and they've ended up being on the receiving end of something that's been really bad will retreat and it seems like they're now going to be able to be serviced. It would surprise me if only funds still exist as a business within the space of five years because really, you know, yeah.

2:03:05this would maybe very much be able to take over if it can become high enough quality. So I understand the dynamic. This is a safer version for you in terms of not being betrayed, emotionally, etc., etc. But it does create precisely the lack of eligibility that you already fear in yourself. I want to be an eligible partner for a woman because I haven't got that. I may turn to this as an alternative. It would be very, very surprising to me if a man said, I outright from first principles want the AI girlfriend. It's usually I would have maybe tried to get the one in the real world, haven't got it, therefore I retreat into this.

2:03:43So that retreat creates the lack of eligibility, but on the other side of this and the reason that, you know, women as quite rightly this lady, it's a really well written article. This lady that wrote the The article makes a great point that this is going to create the dearth of eligible partners that women are already fearful of. So, what do you think, let's say that you do have, it's going to happen, it's happening right now, there is going to be some men, a non -insignificant minority at the very least who do retreat into this upgraded version of porn. What do you think the female response will be to this?

2:04:21because that's going to further skew the market of eligible male partners. Well, men are hoping for is that then they'll step up and they'll say, I'm going to be that girl that laughs and does that. But the reality is what men, women mainly will do step down and think, forget men because I can't be bothered to do this because, you know, the addiction to pornography has made a lot of women think, oh God, I don't want to sleep with men anymore. They just want porn. They do this wild stuff and blow blow. So it's going to have a counterproductive impact on women. You're thinking that they're going to step up, but the reality is when we feel like the mountain is too high We don't bother climbing it.

2:04:56So what women will actually do is retreat into there's no point being with a man They are might as well just a single all my friends are staying single I might as well be a bisexual might be lesbian whatever it is they're not going to step up if that's what you're thinking This is what they're going to do. They're going to think step up for who guys that like artificial intelligence That's not motivating me to want a step up. That's making me think men are disgusting And so then less likely to become the woman you want them to be So we're creating a society of insol -man but jaded women. Yeah, this sort of adversarial nature between the sex is is not good.

2:05:30Yeah, people are retreating into a more comfortable but less fulfilling less risky less content version of life, but it's this Move away from anything that has to do with risk is kind of the trend I'm seeing you know So maybe this is downstream from hyper convenience. Maybe this is downstream from a quasi surveillance state where all of your information is tracked and held on the internet. Maybe this is to do with snowplow parenting and helicopter parenting. Maybe this, you know, pick whatever it is that's caused this to occur. And it's likely to be a ton of different things congealing together.

2:06:11But I don't think that it makes for ultimately a satisfying, gratifying life. Even if you have a life which is devoid of failure and pain and challenge, that doesn't mean that it's one that's full of pleasure and happiness and contentment. Yeah, exactly. And comfort is actually the killer of joy. What they find with people who have depression is not that they are, got the worst seconds not to. Sometimes they're just too comfortable. If you take children in Africa that have to go walk or to get water, they have no time to be depressed because their life is so uncomfortable that they have a purpose and they get through it and then they get the dopamine of getting what they need.

2:06:48Too much comfort kills joy because if I can wake up late every single day, I forget the joy of a lion. If I can eat whatever I want, all the junk food in the world, I forget what cheap meal for tastes like. So comfort is not actually going to create any long -term happiness. Happiness comes from discomfort, then problem solving, that discomfort, and then getting the dopamine reward. So it's a bit of a longer process. Sadie Akahn, ladies and gentlemen, why should people go? They want to keep up to date with what you're doing? At Sardia Psychology and just go on TikTok everywhere, I'm fortunate.

2:07:18Yeah, I really apologize, but I seem to be everywhere on TikTok at Sardia Psychology. What else are you doing? What can people expect from you next? I still have my Patreon where I release exclusive videos that just for those people who are looking to learn and improve. I also offer one -to -one conversations, one -to -one coaching. I also reply to people on my patrons that have quick questions, so I am very accessible and available at the moment. So I do apologise for being so saturated because I feel like I'm getting a bit sick of my own face, but I am available if you should need me for any services.

2:07:46So I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.