Financial Abuse and Resilience with Mary Bonnet of Selling Sunset

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3:06It's time for some money rehab.

3:15We know about romance scammers like the Tinder swindler who steal money from women they're dating. But what do you do if you are married to that person? How do you ever trust anyone again? That's what Mary Bonet had to ask herself when this happened to her. You know Mary from Selling Sunset. She's an OG member of the cast. And today we talk about that. But we also talk about everything that happened before, which she writes about in her new book, Selling Sunshine, which I linked in the episode notes. In this conversation, we talk about Mary's past experience with financial abuse, how that experience impacted her relationship with her husband now, and what the heck is going on with the Selling Sunset cast.

3:54Here's Mary.

3:58Mary Bonet, welcome to Money Rehab. Thank you for having me. So you are this glamorous being. You are just so stunning. Even more stunning in real life. Thank you. But you grew up a far ways away from Sunset. Oh, yeah. In Indiana. In Indiana. So take me back to origin story of Mary. Oh, just a normal Midwest upbringing. I had a really great childhood. We were by no means rich. We were very frugal, but we were happy. We just did the normal small town stuff. I go down to a lake at the end of our street and catch tadpoles and watch them grow up. And then I'd release them and just played out in the streets and come back when the streetlights came on.

4:43And, yeah, it was a really cool upbringing. Very simple. Who would you be when you grew up? A veterinarian or a dolphin trainer. That's what I wanted to be. But not a reality star or a real estate agent? No, I didn't even think that was an option. Yeah. I mean, they didn't have reality shows back then. I think the real world was the first thing that I remember ever seeing. Road rules, right? Yeah, yeah. But I was just driven on succeeding and making money, not really being on TV. Well, part of that was because you got pregnant at 15. You wanted to support your son. How did that change how you plan for the future?

5:20In the beginning, I just needed to find a job after I got out of high school, I went to college. I just knew I wasn't going to be a statistic. I wasn't going to be struggling for money. I had to support him. I wanted to prove to myself and to my parents that I wasn't just going to throw my life away of sorts. I wasn't just going to stay and not do anything with my life. I wanted to support myself, my son. I wanted to give us a good life. And so I just was very determined. Write in your book, Selling Sunshine, that you study to become a radiographer. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. You wanted to make more money to support your son.

6:04Oh, yeah. So I started doing that. That's when I went to school because it made the most money in the shortest amount of time. So it was very hectic schedule. But I did that because I could get out and really support my son. With a good amount of money there, they were giving sign-on bonuses at the time and stuff too. How much sign-on bonus? At the time, it was $20 ,000 or$30 ,000 or something like that, I think. Which was a lot of money to you. That was a lot of money to me back then, especially in Indiana. That's a lot of money because they were just in such need. And then unfortunately, when I moved to LA, they were not offering it there.

6:40That's when I started being a loan processor, a friend of a friend, and then got into mortgages that way and then moved into real estate in your book you talk a lot about the relationships you've had girl let's get into it oh see that's where i bring the drama i mean i don't bring it on the show sister let's start with drew let's start with your second husband um because i think as you know we're all about money rehab and financial independence for women i needed rehab after that. Tell me about that. So you guys were romantic partners and then business partners. Is that right? Yeah. And then, yeah, we got married.

7:21Everything was in my name. I had amazing credit at the time. I was like, like 815 or something like that. I worked very hard on my credit. And how did you even know to work hard on your credit? So yeah, my mom always talked about it. And she said, you can't get anything without your credit. And then when I was so young and I had to get things on my own. And so when they check your credit and I don't have any and I couldn't get things, I knew I had to make sure I build it up. I mean, sometimes we nickel and dime ourselves, but we should focus on the big things like your credit score, which can save you thousands of dollars in interest over time.

7:57Absolutely. So you had all-star credit. I did. Not for long, though. Not by the time that relationship was over. So you guys started a business after you got married? Yeah, he started it when we were still dating, when we were engaged, but everything had to be in my name. Any of the business purchases, stuff like that, everything had to be in my name because it was because he was foreign. He was from the UK, so he didn't really have much credit. Was that a red flag for you? In hindsight, of course. In hindsight, there were a lot of red flags. I'm sure. Yeah. Until now, I did not always pick the best men.

8:37You got it right. Ultimately, that business folded. Can you tell that story? Yeah, he would take on I did basically the office and debit, I would do all the payments, I would kind of run the books and stuff like that. And then he was out in the field bidding jobs and managing the crews and stuff like that, because it was a stucco company. And And he took on one big, big job. And that one was not his fault. The guy just stopped paying like all of his. He would just hire subcontractors and then have him do the work and not pay and then get somebody else in. So there were a ton of mechanical leads on the property.

9:17He didn't care. He wasn't going to like sell or do anything. So he just kept doing it. And so we got screwed out of a lot of money. And he took on another big job. We were able to do it. We took out of personal savings to make sure we could pay everybody, stuff like that. He took on another really big job. It was like a hotel. And I was like, this is not a good idea. That's going to be hard. Well, that one ended up going south. Something got messed up and it just basically took us down. It was right around that time that things were really struggling between me and him. He'd become abusive at that time, started going to therapy.

9:55And his dad got sick, got cancer. and so he was back in the UK and we just decided well let's make a move or he can go be with his dad restore that relationship we can make a fresh start my son was up for it and so we moved over to England and you say that's when the financial control really started yes yes so when you go over there we had to come back and then get our visa because he told us we would get it when we there but they don't allow you to do that we had to come back um to the states and then get approved to the and go back in but we sold everything here transferred all the money so all the money was over in an account for him because they won't let you get a bank account until you have a proper spousal visa and it took about a month or two for us to get it so we came back stayed with my mom austin and i and when we went over there we'd already transferred the money we didn't realize and i never really got any of that money back.

10:53And he would be very stingy with it. And I would have to ask for things. And it took a while before I was able to make my own money. So I started working, make my own money. And then in the meantime, I found out once I came back to the States that he'd also taken a bunch, just ran up a bunch of credit cards and stuff, got credit cards in my name because I closed almost all accounts when I was here. I still had credit cards, but I didn't know those weren't the ones he opened new credit cards. But since we didn't have an address in the States, I wasn't being notified of anything. I didn't have an address.

11:30He just ran up a whole bunch of stuff in my name. So it started with you having to ask for even buying groceries. Yeah. And that's when it sounds like financial abuse started. Yeah. Which oftentimes goes hand in hand with other types of abuse. I had both. I'm sorry that you went through that. It's okay. I mean, for better or worse, I think the way money is used in relationships affects our confidence and our sense of control. Yeah. Do you remember what that time was like when you lost control? And I won't put words in your mouth, but maybe confidence around money. I have a money twitch. which it's because of this.

12:11And I physically get a twitch, like where if it's something super expensive or something, I was like, and I actually get a little twitchy thing like that because I'm irked by it. It's a physical thing because of what it's like, just like the trauma from what happened. I do feel like the frustration of not having control of my life. Like I've always been in control of things and my my first ex-husband was like he was very generous he was very respectful it was not that situation at all and then i've managed my own money like the rest of my life since i can remember since i was 15 so i did not know how to handle it it was very frustrating but i so i just went out and started working and once i was able to work and so I went and worked and then I would just pocket that work two jobs when I was over there I'm like this is not gonna happen and so then I end up once again supporting him because he lost his job and so I still like but at least I had my money and I could do it but I have a money to and I was like I will not be left without anything yeah it sounds like a PTSD symptom yeah it's like It's just security.

13:31And I don't need to be rich, but I need to be comfortable. I need to know that all of my bills are paid. I need to know that I'm never going to starve. But I am kind of extreme with working and stuff like that. So luckily, I have been able to make quite a bit of money since then. For women listening, what kind of red flags now, in hindsight, would you say that Drew showed you when it came to financial abuse that women should look out for? the frivolous spending like where when you see his habits yeah he was not responsible and he knew there wasn't that much money he would just buy things that were so expensive or over the top where i'm like you don't need that why are you doing that unless you have money to burn like why are you buying something so big and so expensive if that's gonna break you and he was like oh no i'll just make more i don't know and it would just irk me if i was like okay it's not my money because it was before we shared finances that should have warned me it was just always pushing non-envelop just to be like he would have this like really flashy car and then lived in this little apartment so it didn't add up it didn't no and it was just always trying like showy stuff and so he would do stuff that was just not responsible i think those are really big signs because if he does it then when you guys start sharing finances it's going to continue except that's also going to be your money.

15:01It's such an important point. And I think oftentimes we justify it and we're in love and we have rose-colored glasses on and it's hard to see the signs when you're in the thick of it. It is. It's very hard. And I luckily have recovered from that. I keep separate finances. Like I trust Romaine, but I have separate finances from Romaine. And I always will. We can have one joint account, but I will never let that happen to me again, it was so brutal. And it took so long to climb out of it. And you can't control somebody else. So I can control me. And I can control my kids. So that's what I'm doing.

15:36I love that. Even leaving the relationship, unfortunately, did not solve the financial problems. You got back to the United States. And how did you realize when you went to go lease a car? When I leased a car. Your credit was great. Under 500. it wasn't where he used to be at 850 815 815 yeah and no it was not it was it was under 500 I didn't even know that you could have under 500 I had no idea never been there before but I started laughing I was like I think you made a mistake and I was like maybe it was from under my previous name did you get the number right I was blown away had no idea so my uh stepdad had to co-sign for me.

16:19And it was humiliating. I had always been able to get any car I wanted, anything I wanted. I built up the business, made good money. And I was just taken back down after everything that happened. And I thought I'm getting away. And I'm like, okay, I'm still alive. I'm still like, let's just start over again. And then I find out that happened again. My God. What did you do next when you found out he ruined the credit? Was it from all the accounts that he opened yeah because it was about a year and a half of he ran up about a hundred thousand something dollars or almost hundred thousand in your name and didn't pay it yeah so they were all in collections by the time i came back and so i ended up having to file bankruptcy and like humiliating and i put it off for a very long time because i'm like i refuse to do it i'm gonna pay these off and there were a couple things that happened where i'm like i think it's me better.

17:14And it was very, very difficult to make that decision. And when I'm trying to build myself back up, try to repay these loans, and I had to suck it up, put my ego aside, and do what I had to do to move forward. So when I did that, and I've been doing like all the credit repair, and all these different things, and anything I could do, and then all the typical things that you do with kind of making sure my balance is always under, it's always kept very, very low, I'd make multiple payments a month to make sure it's never. Yeah. Yeah. And so I just had to do what I had to do. Nothing I can do about the past.

17:50I can only affect the future at this point. Were there some tactics that helped your credit more so? Secured loans. Yeah. I had to start with a secured credit card. I had to start very, very, very low credit card amounts. It was like$1 ,500 or something was the max. Sometimes it was, I started with$500. I was like, what can you? Oh, I can't even pay a bill with that. But just to show payment history. Exactly. But then I tried to pay everything on the credit to show I pay it off, pay it off. And so to show them I'm responsible, I can do this. Never have one late payment. I have everything on auto pay.

18:26So there's no chance I can just get busy and forget. I had to just start slowly. Where is your credit now? It's still on the bankruptcy on one of them. It's a 750, 760. yeah 750 credit let's go well to me it's still low until i get back up there i'm just very hard on myself so i'm like i will be back to where i was and so i can keep doing it but it takes a long time so ladies never ever get in that situation be careful 10 years or yeah it's been it's probably been about 10 years yeah but in the beginning because i didn't have any money so it wasn't like I could do what I can now. Because having money, it's easier to fix things.

19:12I was broke. I had nothing when I came back. I had no credit. I had no money. I had nothing. I was starting from scratch, plus having a son. So I'm trying to get him, pay for college, pay for all these things. It's not necessarily money that makes your credit score better. It's those little habits, regardless. this like we had the ceo of fico on the show the the credit reporting uh yeah company and he said that his assistant had a higher credit score than he did she makes less money but she was more responsible and so it's really about those my husband he had no credit and had a better credit score than i did just because right when he got one he was able to do it he didn't have the negative like with the bankruptcy on there and because it takes a long time to have that fall off eight ish years yeah seven to ten years that's what they it depends on i mean to be fair i totally understand why you want like psychologically why you want to get back to 815 and you will no doubt and you should yeah but you know 750 815 you're not gonna it's not gonna change like you're gonna get the same it's a great score i know i know i know i'm very stubborn like i know I'm like, I will be back there.

20:25I will not get knocked down for too long. Sometimes people get really obsessed with it because they think it's going to change. But up in that level, you're in a good prime rate zone. But yes, psychologically. Psychologically, I just went, I will be back there. Do you think he read the book? I don't know. I don't care. I changed his name. I changed everybody's name. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't know where they're at in their life and if they have grown if they've matured if they've become a better person good for them I don't want to do anything to mess that up I'm just telling my story so I don't need to get them involved and try to hurt them just for me to tell my story so yeah and it's it's an important cautionary tale to other women do you feel like you've healed from this financial trauma yeah there's always I still have my money twitch it's getting better.

21:21It's definitely getting better. But you know, it takes a while. I think I'll always have a little bit. I just I really value financial security. And I learned the hard way, just how much I value it, just how important it is. So I'm just cautious, I think. That is a really good place to be. Yeah. Because you it doesn't sound like you're jaded. No. But you've learned and it and as painful as this was yeah it sounds like it really put even more of a fire under your ass to to hustle harder yeah and to and like a chip on your shoulder to yeah yeah like i clean it up yeah absolutely like even with my mortgage i make an extra payment every six months to bring that interest down and bring the amount of the loan down and just small things like that i can do I'm like, okay, I'm going to do that.

22:17I think it's smart and it makes me feel good. And it's just lifelong credit hygiene. It's also credit is like going to the gym, right? You can't just get an awesome score and be done, never go back. Oh, yeah, you have to maintain it. A constant maintenance.

22:38Hold on to your wallets. Money Rehab will be right back. And now for some more money rehab.

22:51Let's talk about your lovely husband. Yes. Romaine. Yes. You mentioned you guys keep finances separate. Yeah. Was the situation with Drew the big reason behind that? Absolutely. How did it change the way you went into the marriage with money? Did you sign a prenup? I did. Absolutely. I don't think he will ever do anything. He is way too stubborn and too prideful to ever do that. I'm going to take what's not mine. But I know people can change like during breakups and stuff. The ugly side of them comes out. I don't think we will ever split up. We have an amazing relationship. And he had no problem signing it.

23:28He's like, I'll sign whatever you want. He's like, I don't care because he's not as much as people try to say from the show, like he's a gold digger. I'm like, that's never been an issue. I'm not paying for all of his stuff. We have separate finances. So he was fine with it. That's for your own peace of mind. Exactly. And he understands based on he knows how difficult that was. And he's watched me like, still try to climb back out of that mess. And so he understands why I'm doing it. He doesn't take it personally. And what was that first conversation about prenup like? Was that hard if somebody is listening and nervous about these types of conversations?

24:00Yeah, he handled it well. I just explained to him why. I've watched it too many times with friends, with family. And you spend so much of your money just fighting over stuff because people are angry. And it's like, they're just fighting for the sake of it. And then you end up spending all the money that you guys just split. But it happens over and over again, where you will give all your money to attorneys before. Yeah, it's insane. And I'm like, just do it. Just stop. So I think a prenup is a perfect way of just, OK, when you're on good terms, let's decide what's fair, what's not. And so that's when you're happy and you're in love and you decide on that.

24:41It solves so many problems and you're not throwing all your money away. If you guys do, God forbid, split. I think it's just smart. because you have one anyway yeah it's the state it's up to the state so if you don't like what the state says you want to take control that's that's up to you but you have a prenup regardless everybody does yeah were there elements of the prenup that were important to you to get we're actually amending it because with the house and with i'm so for the top about this so when we bought the house i paid a lot of the down payment and so what we verbally agreed on is that money would come off whatever profit we split and then we'll use those split that we agreed upon too and so i want that just written in the prenup that that where it's in writing it's legal so he's like okay cool he's like you paid it i'm like i don't care i'll sign it he's a bigger person i think it's the delivery on how you start the conversation helps but then again i know a lot of women that would be like hell no i'm not gonna sign anything but that's something that the couple needs to decide if they're in it just for the money or if it's just principle.

25:50I don't know. But this is a conversation. You own a house. So it's not technically a postnat. It would just be an amendment. Yeah. They said basically it would be because I have a very extensive print up. It's like 78 pages or something like that. And so it was very extensive. And I didn't even have much back then. I wasn't like, no. But I was like, I want it to be very, very detailed. And I paid a good, like it was not cheap to make sure it was. Yeah, it was not cheap, but it's worth it to me. Peace of mind, just that I'm will not just lose everything again. I just won't do it. Were you in the thick of all of the aftermath of the financial trauma and chaos?

26:38did you just not want to get married again because of it no i didn't i never wanted to i'm like i'm good i can date we can live together i'm cool but here we are here we are but yeah he's a different person and and i truly believe he'll never do that but just on a day-to-day basis even when if we're in an argument he's still i don't want to i'll pay for it myself i don't need you to pay for it he gets very offended if i try to pay for certain things i'm like i'll get he's like why I definitely trust him, but it makes all the sense. I mean, also, sister, you've worked with three guys you've dated.

27:11Mm-hmm. It hadn't worked out, but now I love the fact Romaine went to go work with you because you went to go work with the others. But now he's coming on your turf. Mm-hmm. So what kind of advice would you give somebody who's thinking about working with their significant other? what have you learned from these three situations i think you have to have the two different hats basically like with jason that's my boss so i have to treat him in a certain way i have to listen to certain things but it can go both ways because i can also talk to him more and i can kind of push him a little bit more because we're such good friends because we dated and stuff like we know each other and it's more of a friendly thing but it just saying that my relationship is different because we hardly ever get in fights unless it's about money and we'll yell for a couple minutes and we're like you're not grateful I was like you're being a dick until you hang up and then you call back and we're like okay here's what's fair the other day and then we'll talk it through Romaine and I I think you have to separate that because then when he's coming and he's working on the client's house or he's doing something, if something goes wrong, I can't yell at him because he's my husband.