Jennie Garth on Negotiation Lessons From 90210 and Habits That Are Quietly Costing You

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2:21Nicole Lapin:Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. We had a heat wave, which put me in the mood for some ice cream. Since it was the first pint of the season, I went with burnt sugar vanilla from Gingers. I mean, it is heaven. Gingers uses Square so I could order online and skip the wait. No lines, no stress, just grab and go deliciousness. Now I paid online, but they use Square as their point of sale in restaurant orders as well. It just makes the process so easy. So if you're looking for a way to smooth out the customer experience at your restaurant, why not give Square a try?

2:58Nicole Lapin:Square works for one-location shops, pop-ups, mobile service businesses, and multi-location franchises. Take payments at a kiosk, counter, website, or with your phone, all synced in real time. And right now, listeners, get up to$200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash MNN. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash M-N-N. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. If you're a 90s kid like me, you will definitely recognize today's guest from a 90210 poster you probably had on your bedroom wall. When she was just a teenager, Jenny Garth was cast in the show that defined a decade of television.

3:45Nicole Lapin:And some of the lessons from her character, Kelly Taylor, have stuck with her, so much so that her new memoir, I Choose Me, comes from one of the most iconic moments on the show. Today, Jenny and I talk about how to talk to your spouse about money, how negative self-talk impacts your kids, and if you have ever felt like you needed to quiet your own ambition to keep other people comfortable, she shares the cure. I'm Nicole Lapin, the only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. It's time for some Money Rehab.

4:24Nicole Lapin:Well, I'm so excited to welcome you, Jenny Gard, to Money Rehab. I'm so happy to be here. I need to be rehabbed. Nicole, help me out. I got you, sister. Well, I was on your show about a year ago, which was crazy because I would really like a redo. I know. You were. I was a mess. You had to have been out of your mind. I was like in diapers with my daughter still postpartum. You remember those days? My house, my studio burned down everything. And then I was like, but I have to go on Jenny's. How could I say no? And so like I dug deep. You could have done it another time. So I'm coming back over.

4:58I couldn't believe when I found out that you were going through all that and your house had just burned down. I don't know how you even showed up. Thank

5:05Nicole Lapin:you. I showed up for you because you're amazing. And it was so fun to have the conversation. obviously you were in this chair and so I wanted to ask you so many more follow-up questions but I was like duh this is not my show so now it's my turn but when we were talking you were saying how you didn't grow up with money and you always had this like scarcity mentality about money take me back to the beginning like what was your early relationship with your parents how did they talk or not talk about money? There was no talk about money. The only thing I remember about money was that I used to get a job on the farmer's land surrounding our farm.

5:48And I would get paid, 25 cents an hour to pull weeds out of his soybean fields and the cornfields. And I would walk, it's called walk the beans. I would walk the beans for 25 cents an hour. And I was elated to have like$5 or something at the end of the day or whatever, a couple of weeks that I could go buy candy with and not have to like ask my mom for money.

6:12Nicole Lapin:And you made it so big from, from the beans to the big screen, the small screen, all the screens, you know, you were so young at the time when you started making real money like much more than 25 cents I would yes yes hopefully did that scarcity mentality go away at that point like when you had money or did it still I don't think I don't I just didn't understand money at all it was never discussed and um I had no idea what it was or why you needed it or how to handle it and I learned that pretty quickly when I landed in Hollywood, you know, we were paying for our apartment at first. And then once, you know, I got a job and money started coming in consistently, I bought my first house at, I think, 16, 17, 18 years old.

7:01Can't remember exactly, but, and then that's when like the big girl responsibilities settled in and the pressure of like, oh, okay. So I have to have X amount every month or I don't get to have this house, you know? And so I quickly learned about, you know, what it, what it would take on my end to sort of accommodate a comfortable lifestyle. And that changed over the years as I became a mom and all of that. But I got a, I got a crash course in feeling the responsibility and the sort of the burden of the pressure, I guess, of money and money management. But at the same time, I had other people doing it.

7:45And so they were handling all of the details, all the nitty gritty of managing it. I had zero idea what was happening with my money.

7:56Nicole Lapin:Yeah. You told me that nobody thought you needed to know about your finances, which is really scary because that's when people get taken advantage of. Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure I did at some point along the way. There were some moments that I was unaware of or decisions that were made on my behalf that probably didn't benefit me first and foremost, even as a fiduciary with a fiduciary in place. But I'm not going to look back. I'm only going to look forward. I felt really things like my money is in a good place right now as far as, you know, I'm making money and I'm spending, you know, a little less than I'm making.

8:35So So things are good for the moment. And I have a whole new team on it. But I did decide around 50 that my husband was urging me, get a handle on your money. You need to know more and more and more. And I said, OK, yeah. So I really did try to learn some things. But honestly, it's like a different language for my brain. Are you used to hearing that?

8:58Nicole Lapin:I figured that out the hard way. I started when I was 18 on the floor of the stock exchange and I was like, this actually sounds like Japanese to me. And so I realized, yeah, that money is a language just like anything else. And when you don't speak the language, you're just like, I don't get it. I don't understand it. But then you start immersing yourself in it and you're like, oh, OK. You know, if I went to Japan and I didn't speak Japanese, I'd be really confused. If I went to Wall Street, I didn't speak the language of money. I'd be really confused until you speak it. And then you're like, duh, I obviously that's.

9:31Yeah. I think it was like at first I didn't think and no one else thought I needed to speak the language. I needed to focus on the language that I did speak, which was making the money. And then I started to fake that I knew the language. Oh, so I would be in money meetings and they would be talk speaking the language of which I had no idea.

9:53Nicole Lapin:The acronyms. And I would say, yes. Okay. Um, okay. yeah that sounds great you know really just faking it and then I've came to the place now where I know a little bit more and I'm able to say hey hold on can you just break that down for me a little bit more so I can really understand what you're saying and but I think before I just felt too scared to do that or like they would treat me you know like oh this girl knows nothing about money poor girl what you know yeah not rich woman not poor girl like you were they were there because of you yeah it was weird being that young and having all of that happening in in the realm of the money world yeah and smiling and nodding is you know what a lot of women do and why we do what we do to help open up this dialogue about money but I imagine when you were so young there wasn't also a lot of talk amongst your colleagues or peers like were people on set talking about what they made or was that part of even the no no everybody was sort of tight-lipped about their personal finances and what salaries they were making and for for many years on the 10-year run that was the kind of balance that was happening until at one point I think three or four of us really got together and said, let's go in as a team where there's more strength in our unity and renegotiated some things like that.

11:23But for the, for the most of the time, it was very, everybody did their own thing and nobody wanted to know anything about money from, you know, because what I didn't want to find out if I'm making, and in fact, I was making less than the other people on the show. And then there came a point where I was making more than other people on the show and it's a very tender situation to talk to your castmates your you know brothers and sisters basically and that letting people getting people uncomfortable around that just didn't seem

11:57Nicole Lapin:worth it but then it became worth it when you guys came together finally so what do you think changed between like having those conversations be uncomfortable to turning into something really empowering where you could band together and advocate. I wish it had happened sooner. I mean, I know that when, uh, you know, the big news about the friends cast coming together and renegotiating as favored nations, that really was beneficial for them and made the even, you know, the playing field even because it is, it should be that we're all there doing our jobs together. And if it weren't for one of us or the other, it wouldn't work.

12:34I think we were just a little too late to that game and the sort of hierarchy system was already the like different levels of of paychecks was already established so we never got that equality across the board and that was always a source of you know a little bit of a sore subject do you think that was a sign of the

12:57Nicole Lapin:times like do you think if you did that today it would be different you know I'd like to say yes but I still think that happens. I think the number one on the call sheet gets X amount of dollars and then it goes down from there unless they go in and stand unified, which we really didn't know that that was an option back in the 90s. And now we do. So I wonder what it would look like for an ensemble to go in from the beginning. But it's scary because we are all worried about our own money issues. Like all of us, you know, think about money and worry about money. And so we want to cover our own asses, you know.

13:40And so it would take a special group of people that would commit to doing that. And I think it would absolutely be beneficial. But unfortunately, it's still women are getting paid less than men still in this industry. And it's really hard to break those norms.

13:55Nicole Lapin:I mean, 90210 obviously changed your life. you said you bought a house when you're so young that your parents also moved into and they called you the Hollywood daughter that in your book, you talk about feeling uncomfortable about that with your six other siblings. How did you navigate that uncomfortability or like trying to put yourself down? Well, I, again, had no idea what I was doing and no one in my family had ever gone to Hollywood. There was no real money. There was no wealth in my family. So I don't know how I think I'm still sitting here, honestly, like after just really not having any background or training or teaching about how to deal with it.

14:43But I did absolutely feel at times like because I was from a big family and I was already the baby in the family I felt like I got spoiled and my sisters definitely made it verbalized it that they felt like I was spoiled and we all kind of embraced it and like joked around about it no she's the baby of the family she's so spoiled but spoiled in just the respect of more lenience I think I even see that with my girls now like my first daughter was raised differently than my third daughter. Just because you change as a parent, times change. So of course, the older kids in the family are going to have their comments about how the baby's being raised.

15:27But I did definitely feel like I just wanted to have the energy feel the same in my family amongst my siblings, for sure, even cousins. I didn't want to be treated special, more special than I already was as the baby. Like I, I am very uncomfortable being in the spotlight when others are in my family or watching from the side. It just, it's a weird thing I have. Like I don't want to outshine people or seem as if I'm any better than my siblings, you know and I've always just felt like I need to keep that I can keep that at bay you know

16:12Nicole Lapin:but that but you are shiny and you are shiny it's your light have you heard of tall poppy syndrome no please tell me we're like you cut yourself down to make everybody else sort of feel and more comfortable or high achieving people and sort of like put themselves down to match the norm. You know, I see women, I see myself do that a lot. Wait, are we the tall poppies? Yeah. And then we like cut down to the rest of the poppies. We get pruned. Just be the tall, shiny poppy. Okay. I like that. I'm going to think of that because I'm really working on that. And I have done a lot of work on it because I was in some therapy session at some point.

16:54And I remember them saying to me, Jenny, it's okay to shine. Like that's why you're here. And I, it kind of opened up things for me because I've always felt comfortable, uncomfortable shining because of the way other people might feel in the wake of it.

17:15Nicole Lapin:I felt the same way until recently we had a behavioral scientist on and he told me to stop it because it makes him feel bad. Like when he gave me a compliment i'd be like oh no you know yes whatever brush it off and then he's like but it makes the giver of the compliment feel bad like that they're stupid or wrong or you know if they think you're so smart or so pretty and you're like no i'm not then you know you wouldn't want that perception right and so it it flipped how i thought about the self-deprecation that i default to or that just receiving compliments or just shrinking you know shrinking yourself to to make others feel better might actually have like an unintended side effect that i did a reverse uh-huh that's so interesting i like thinking about it that way so through a bunch of therapy you and me both um trying to work on that it sounds like you've tried to flip your mindset and like stand in that light.

18:19Now at my age being 54, I feel like confident stepping into this sort of divine energy, female empowered energy. I feel very much more comfortable in that than I ever have. And I'm not afraid of the impact that I have on people or don't have on people. like I'm more comfortable in who I am now. So that has an impact in every aspect, business, family, home life, friendships. You know, I come to the table with much more, much more of an ability to listen and be present instead of worrying about all those things in my head that I've spent so many years trying to ignore, but they've been, you know, reverberating.

19:11Nicole Lapin:yeah uh it's the greatest hits like i always call them like the ruminations like oh i see you i see you coming back it's weird when you like you we think we're the only one that has this problem the these uncontrolled negative thoughts that break break ourselves down or keep ourselves in a certain box or keep ourselves small because we're filling ourselves with fear by listening to that voice and you but fear is just false evidence appearing real say it one more time fear is false evidence appearing real when it comes to the fear we hear in our minds the fear we feed ourselves it's not coming from anybody else i mean there is fear fear is a good emotion to have.

20:04But like when you're running from a bear. Right. There's certain times when you need to really listen to the fear. But when it comes to like negative self-talk, it's false. It is actually untrue. But our minds are so convincing. And we just believe them because, oh, well, you've never steered me wrong before. You've kept me safe and here I am. But when you really want to break free of those limiting beliefs, that's when you have to really just face that fear and tell it, no, thank you.

20:36Nicole Lapin:Well, I can even feel, and it's only been a year that like me and Jenny has kind of taken a seat because when we were talking, you had a lot of negative self-talk about money. Like not a little, a lot. No, because you know what? What happened? I've gone through a couple of different phases. Like when I started out not knowing anything about money. I never even thought about it. It'll come, it'll go, who cares, whatever. I'm young, I'm living my life. Uh, then I started to get more scarce, more of that scarcity mindset of I'm responsible for these three girls and the mortgage and all the people that work for me.

21:12And I started to be like, Oh, I better hold onto things. And what if I'm not going to make enough money to buy them that again? You know, I started to really get more tight, more worried about my finances. And then the latest is that I've gone back to the original mindset because that felt much better for me. And it actually brought more money in. Like when you start squeezing it, squeezing the reins and pulling back and attaching to like, what if, and oh no, that's when the flow stops. And I, and I know that sounds like, okay, woo woo LA, whatever, but it's honestly the truth for me. And now that I am back to, yes, I am managing my money well now, I'm involved in all the conversations, I'm running a business now and having success in that and really working with the numbers on that on a daily basis, but still not worrying about it, knowing that it will come and it will go just as it's supposed to.

22:18Nicole Lapin:It's so funny that you say the woo-woo LA part because I tend to not be super woo-woo, but I want to understand all viewpoints. I think when it comes to money, there really is energy in money. And so when you hoard it and hold it really tight, it doesn't come back around. And so I believe that there is a lot of, as woo-woo as it does sound, there's a lot of energy in money and the way that it moves. It's a powerful energy. Do you think some of the negative self-talk came from other people, though? Because you've said that other people viewed you as being pound foolish, penny wise. And so maybe you took that on or like that.

23:00Nicole Lapin:Oh, for sure. That was you're so empathetic that you like internalize that. Yeah, I took on the, oh, you're pretty. You don't need to worry about it. I took on the, yeah, what's the one? The penny wise, pound foolish, right? I took that on when I heard that from someone. I also took on messages of like, you're too emotional. Like this isn't healthy, you know? And I also just decided to not believe that anymore. It's very hard when you're receiving messages, messages from people in your life that you trust and they have a big impact on you. but once you kind of step out of that mindset and out of that experience of being told those things about yourself you're able to kind of defy those things look at them examine them and think is that absolutely true actually no it's really not our last conversation you wanted me to sign books for your daughters too in what sense do you think being a mom and them seeing everything that you do.

24:09Nicole Lapin:Like I, even my daughter's one. And so she copies everything I do. How do you think that impacts like your self-talk around money? Because they, even if you try to hide it, I feel like they feel it or they know, and that's how they learn. Well, it's definitely different. One of my daughters is completely on her own, independent in every aspect, actually kind of two of them. And then my 19 year old is in college and, you know still comes to me for money all the time and we talk about like figure out what your priorities are and focus on you know think about your monthly budget and I'm really trying to to set her up for success although I'm very weak when it comes to saying no to you know she wants to get her nails done or whatever she knows her her father's probably not gonna say oh sure here's some money for that because he just doesn't get it.

25:01And so I'm the one that's usually, you know, Venmo-ing, Apple paying all day long with that one, but still trying to teach her and trying to have her get a part-time job so she can feel that independence because it's very important. I remember before I was an actress, I had, you know, starting with walking the bean fields, I worked as a secretary in a real estate office. I worked as a waitress in a restaurant and that building of that independent mindset of like I can take care of myself if I need to is such a important thing for women to feel yeah and I think just well teach me how to be a girl mom if you can yeah it never stops you said that she's always watching you and yeah yeah they do

25:49Nicole Lapin:that she's just like she's 15 months old and I go and she goes right and then you just extrapolate that as they grow yeah they watch you spending or hoarding or hiding purchases or you know whatever else and then that becomes their habit and so I saw something recently probably on Instagram it was like a meme that was like you would kill for your kids or die for your kids in a lot of senses, but would you live for them or would you change your habits for them? I was like, Ooh, that hit. Yeah. I've never been one to spend my money frivolously on fancy handbags or high end label clothing. I'm those things just have never been important to me.

26:35I think because I've always realized that I am the cornerstone of what's holding this household up and I don't need certain things. You know, I just don't need that. And I would rather save that money. I spend my money when it comes to our home and keeping it nice and, you know, up to date and all those things. I'm much more prone to spending my money on like some plants, landscaping or... It's so expensive though. There's a big sales happening right now though, people. Spring sales for plants.