In short
How to budget and manage a relationship when one partner’s income is small and inconsistent, including financial planning, emergency savings, and “money script” equity.
Guests
No external guests. Hosts are Sean Piles and Elizabeth Ayola (NerdWallet’s Smart Money Podcast). Elizabeth shares a personal story from a prior relationship that ended in divorce.
Key claims
Use a bare-bones 50/30/20-style needs budget first, then base the partner’s contribution on the minimum of the last 3 months of income. Build emergency savings to avoid credit card debt; cut expenses (subscriptions, negotiate utilities, consider food stamps/local programs). Keep separate accounts if finances are unstable. Have regular monthly money conversations to reduce resentment and build trust. Aim for equitable contributions (not automatic 50/50) and avoid a toxic “funder/beneficiary” dynamic.
Notable examples
Elizabeth’s ex-partner plagiarized freelance work; a musician/commission-sales example causing marital stress; deal-breaker discussion on borrowing money (rent vs vacation).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VONavigating Inconsistent Income
0:07 to 1:11
The hosts discuss how to handle a partner's inconsistent income and budgeting strategies.
“As of 2026, renters and homeowners can also earn up to 1.25x points on their housing payments.”
Navigating Inconsistent Income
2:16 to 4:59
The hosts discuss how to handle a partner's inconsistent income and budgeting strategies.
“Can you speak on how to handle the situation where your spouse's income is very small and inconsistent?”
Building Emergency Savings
4:59 to 8:01
Importance of emergency savings and practical tips for cutting expenses and managing finances.
“But I'm hoping that PA Girl can talk with their partner and say, hey, what opportunities do you have to bring in a little more on a more consistent basis?”
Financial Hygiene in Relationships
8:01 to 14:01
The hosts emphasize the need for regular money conversations and equitable financial responsibilities in relationships.
“I have said on the show before, but when I first moved here, I didn't have a job.”
Equitable Household Responsibilities
14:01 to 14:36
Learn how to align financial responsibilities and values in a partnership.
“So you have to, again, you know, I love to talk about money values, but you need to see where your values are in terms of splitting household responsibilities and finances and see what equitable looks like based on that.”
Equitable Household Responsibilities
16:03 to 16:44
Learn how to align financial responsibilities and values in a partnership.
“Everything you need to start selling is included and ready from day one.”
The Funder-Beneficiary Dynamic
16:44 to 20:44
Explore relationship dynamics around money contributions and responsibilities.
“So it seems like so much of the earning money and managing the finances is just falling on PA Girl.”
Navigating Difficult Conversations
20:44 to 23:26
Understand strategies for discussing financial tensions in relationships.
“And then maybe write out some of your thoughts beforehand and maybe write them in your journal in the most unfiltered, frustrated way possible so you can get that out before you enter this conversation.”
Identifying Deal Breakers
23:26 to 26:14
Learn how to recognize financial deal breakers in romantic relationships.
“You have these conversations and you're just not on the same page.”
Advice for Managing Financial Stress
26:14 to 28:05
Tips on how to cope with financial stress while maintaining healthy relationships.
“So you want to think about where your enough is enough line.”
Show all 14 chapters
Navigating Financial Conversations
28:05 to 28:38
Learn how to approach financial discussions with a partner for long-term stability.
“But on the whole, I'm going to want to be really choosy about what I give someone money for.”
The Newsletter and Personal Updates
28:38 to 29:10
Discover what the hosts include in their weekly newsletter and their personal updates.
“And I want to talk about a couple of ways that you can get to know us even better.”
Parenting and Financial Goals
29:10 to 31:58
Hear insights on parenting advice and setting financial goals with friends.
“what you've been talking about and thinking with your newsletter section about parenting.”
Social Media Breaks and Tech Addiction
31:58 to 32:33
Understand the importance of taking breaks from social media and managing tech use.
“Follow me on Instagram because I'm trying to post more and be accountable and help people with their finances on social media.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Sean Pyles:The following is a paid sponsorship, not an endorsement by NerdWallet's editorial team. Today's episode is sponsored by Bilt.
0:06Elizabeth Ayoola:You've heard me talk about Bilt as the loyalty program that lets you earn points on rent wherever you live, and they just leveled up even more. As of 2026, renters and homeowners can also earn up to 1.25x points on their housing payments.
0:23Sean Pyles:This is thanks to Bilt's three new credit cards, the Palladium Card, Obsidian Card, and Blue Card. All three can turn your housing payments, rent, or mortgage into flexible rewards. So you can choose the card that fits your lifestyle without missing out on points and exclusive benefits.
0:38Elizabeth Ayoola:Built points can be redeemed at top airlines and hotels, Amazon.com purchases, future rent payments, and so much more. Built points have also been ranked by top publications as the industry's most valuable point currency.
0:52Sean Pyles:Your housing payment is most likely your biggest expense. Make it your most rewarding. Find the card that fits your lifestyle and apply today at joinbuilt.com slash smartmoney. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash smartmoney. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Terms and limitations apply.
1:11Elizabeth Ayoola:Subject to approval and eligibility, Built cards are issued by Column N.A., member FDIC, pursuant to license from MasterCard International Incorporated. This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify.
1:52Sean Pyles:No relationship is perfectly equal. One person is always going to make more or do more around the house or be the cat's favorite human. But what happens when these differences become a crisis?
2:06Sean Pyles:Welcome to NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast, where you send us your money questions and we answer them with the help of our genius nerds. I'm Sean Piles.
2:13Elizabeth Ayoola:And I'm Elizabeth Ayola. Now, today we're going to be answering a listener's question about what to do when your partner has inconsistent income and you don't. So here's the question. Hi, nerds. Can you speak on how to handle the situation where your spouse's income is very small and inconsistent? How should I plan my budget for this? I'm struggling to pay our bills and also have a little spending money because I don't know how much he'll make in each given week. Thank you, PA girl. Mmm, this is such a tough situation and one I have been in before.
2:46Sean Pyles:Well, I can't wait to hear your experience of it. And there's so much going on in this question, but I can kind of break it out into two main categories. One is kind of the nuts and bolts financial side, like what's just happening with their money and their budget on a day-to-day basis. But then there is the huge, complicated, maybe less straightforward emotional and relationship aspect of how do you have a fair relationship? How do you each pull your own weight? How do you not make it so that you are your boyfriend's mom, which happens sometimes? So let's get into it, starting with the financial stuff.
3:18Elizabeth Ayoola:Let's jump into the very basics. even if you have an inconsistent budget, you still got bills, right? Which means you need to know how much your expenses are. And that is where the 50, 30, 20 budget comes in. So it tells you 50 % goes to needs, 30 % goes to wants, and 20 % to debt and savings. So in the PA girl scenario, they want to know what their bare bones budget is. So that's your basic essentials, no fun money stuff. You want to calculate what that is first and foremost. That can include housing, groceries, medication, and the likes.
3:50Sean Pyles:I really want to emphasize the importance of that bare bones budget where it's just the essentials because it seems like they don't have a lot of flexibility in their income and in their spending. I also want to hear more from PA Girl, although we don't have a lot of information from them, about how much their partners bring in on a regular basis. I would really encourage them to go back through the past maybe three months of their partner's income and see what the minimum and maximum amount is and budget based on that minimum amount just to be conservative here. That will help you understand how much they can contribute to whatever PA girl is also adding into their finances because it seems like things are really tight right now.
4:28Sean Pyles:They just need to get super clear on their numbers.
4:30Elizabeth Ayoola:And that can be so frustrating when you don't have enough income coming in and you're the one footing the bills. But one thing that PA girl should also do once they are able to calculate that bare bones budget is add their partner's income into that regular income. And the partner's income is based like on what you said, Sean, the past three months, or if you can even go further back to see how much they have coming in. So that will help you, PA Girl, to answer your question about how you can plan your budget.
4:55Sean Pyles:I also would like to see them get a little bit more breathing room in their finances. And the best way to do that is just to increase your income. A lot easier said than done, we know. But I'm hoping that PA Girl can talk with their partner and say, hey, what opportunities do you have to bring in a little more on a more consistent basis? because it's hard when someone isn't bringing in a lot to begin with, and then what they are bringing in isn't super steady. It makes it super hard to plan as they know well, because it seems like there's a lot of stress underlying this question too. And a little more predictability, a little more income would just help alleviate some of the stress.
5:29Elizabeth Ayoola:But Sean, that can be such a difficult conversation to have sometimes. Like, we don't know PA girl situation or what their partner does, but I know recently a friend of a friend and their partner were having a couple of marital spouts because one partner wants to go back to becoming a musician and wants to do commission-based sales, and the other partner has a steady job, right? And you can't force your partner to go and get more work or to go and get a steady job. You can only express your frustration. So then it's like, well, what happens if they don't want to do that or if they're bent on maybe sticking to the job that's inconsistent?
6:01Elizabeth Ayoola:Where do you go from there?
6:03Sean Pyles:That is what we'll get to in the second half of the episode when we get into more of the emotional relationship part of this question because it's so thorny and there's no one right way to do it, right? I would love to see just a little bit more money coming in, however they can manage it. It's a tough thing. And there are also plenty of other financial areas to sort out beyond just the budget. One I really want to emphasize is the importance of emergency savings because their income is pretty volatile and it seems like their expenses are just barely being covered by what they have coming in. If you can tuck away anything at all, even if it does mean sacrificing some of the fund money, Please, please do that because that's going to make it so that you don't go into credit card debt.
6:40Sean Pyles:If there's a month where PA Girl's partner maybe brings in nothing at all and they have even less money to cover expenses, I just don't want to see them slip into credit card debt if they can't avoid it.
6:49Elizabeth Ayoola:PA Girl, if you're looking at your budget and saying there's nowhere to cut, look again. And also look through your bank statements, look through your credit card statements, see if you have any subscriptions that you shouldn't be subscribed to. This is also an opportunity where you can negotiate with your utility bill providers to see if you can lower those bills. because when your budget is extremely tight, even$100 or$200 extra a month can make a big difference. And then one more thing I will say as well in terms of building out that emergency fund, which is why it's so important that you and your partner are on the same page.
7:19Elizabeth Ayoola:If there are months where your partner has surplus, that's the money that you can use to start building out that emergency fund as well.
7:24Sean Pyles:This also might be a time to take some more drastic steps to try to lower your expenses. Again, we don't know how much PA Girl is making, but if they qualify for something like food stamps, this could be a good time to get on them. Maybe the partner would on their income alone. Find any way to just cut your expenses and make managing your finances a little bit easier. Even if it feels uncomfortable and there might be some shame around getting on food stamps, I think that this might be a good time to do it. Also, see if your local government has any sort of programs around making utilities less expensive.
7:55Sean Pyles:These are pretty common across the country. Again, the bottom line is just find any way to cut the expenses if you can.
8:00Elizabeth Ayoola:That's such a smart call out, Sean. I have said on the show before, but when I first moved here, I didn't have a job. I had a kid and I had to get on government benefits. So I had health care expenses and also I had food stamps. And like you said, it can be a ting of shame sometimes because it's like, well, am I not trying my hardest? Am I not doing good enough? But that's what the support is there for to help you get on your feet financially. So don't feel ashamed if you need to use it.
8:23Sean Pyles:Local food banks can also be a great resource here, too. One last area I want to touch on in terms of their general financial management is having joint versus separate accounts. I think it's super important for them to maintain separate accounts at this point, since it seems like PA Girl's partner, their finances are maybe in a pretty rough spot. Again, we don't know their dynamic or what the partner is really like, but there might be an incentive to pull from a joint account when money is really tight. And I just want to see PA Girl protect themselves and their finances when they're in a pretty difficult spot overall right now.
8:55Elizabeth Ayoola:And then one more thing, I know we keep one more thinging, But what's coming to mind as well is predictable annual expenses, because those things can throw your whole budget out of whack. So, PA Girl, when you're looking at your budget and doing your bare bones budget, also think about if you have an annual AAA membership that may be coming up or you have a credit card with an annual expense fee. You want to factor in those things as well.
9:17Sean Pyles:Car registration is the one that gets me. In Oregon, it's every other year. So it's just frequently enough that I forget about it and how much it is. And then when I do have to cover it that one month every other year, I'm just really dreading that I have to spend that money. So think about those things, too.
9:33Elizabeth Ayoola:Whose idea was car registration anyway? Boo.
9:35Sean Pyles:The government that needs money to pay for roads, I guess. Whatever. Who needs roads? I guess we all do. I don't know.
9:42Elizabeth Ayoola:Not me. Just kidding. Yeah.
9:43Sean Pyles:Well, let's turn to financial hygiene in relationships, which is what you were beginning to touch on a little bit earlier, Elizabeth. And a big thing here is having regular money conversations. and by conversations, I don't mean shouting matches. I mean, having like normal adult regular conversations at least once a month, maybe more regularly, since it seems like they're in a bit of a hard time financially right now. The best time to have these conversations is before a crisis hits. It's kind of like going to therapy. Like you wanna have sort of emotional ongoing dialogue with yourself and with your partner about how you're both feeling about things financially, where your finances are, what money you're bringing in importantly in this case and how your expenses are shaping up for the month.
10:23Sean Pyles:Just keep this as an ongoing conversation. Maybe set aside an hour on a Sunday and then go have fun. But please, please do this. Get in the habit of having these conversations because for so many couples, it can be really easy for one person to take on all of the money management. The other person is maybe left in the dark and then something does happen. Suddenly it's a much bigger crisis and a source of conflict than it would have been if you'd just been talking about it all along.
10:47Elizabeth Ayoola:Yeah, and it can also create a lot of resentment in the relationship. which is why, to your point, Sean, these conversations are so important, and for you to be open and honest about it when you come to them as well. Another reason to have these conversations is to help build the trust. And when you are carrying a lot of the financial load in a relationship, it can erode the trust, especially if there's not transparency about how the other person is spending their money. So PA girl, if you and your partner are not on the same page and I don't know your situation, maybe they're supposed to pay a certain bill every month and you pay certain bills and they're not coming up with their half of the cash, it's important that you know what they are doing with their money.
11:23Elizabeth Ayoola:And there's some accountability there since you're carrying most of the load.
11:26Sean Pyles:Okay. So Elizabeth, you mentioned that you were in a relationship where this was the dynamic in the past. We'll talk about the emotional stuff in a minute, but just kind of nuts and bolts finances. How did you manage that? Were you the one making more or was your partner at the time the one making more?
11:39Elizabeth Ayoola:I was making more. And at that time, I had no language for personal finances at all. I just knew I needed to make sure that I paid my bills and keep a roof over my head. My partner at the time was not working. So I was paying the majority of the bills. But I guess to your point about money conversations, I wasn't expressing my frustration with it. And there was resentment building. And I was harboring that because it's like, hey, why am I doing everything? And then on their end, it was, oh, I'm going to get a job next month or I'm going to get it the month after. And, you know, peanuts would come in here and there, but that's not going to pay all the bills.
12:10Elizabeth Ayoola:Want to know how it ended?
12:12Sean Pyles:Divorce?
12:12Elizabeth Ayoola:I left. No, this is not actually my ex-husband. Yes, I left. But actually, let me tell you a little side quest story, Sean. I tried to work with my former partner and say, hey, you know, you're not working at the moment. Here's a writing job. At the time, I was an editor at a company. And I said, we need freelance writers. And he wrote as well. And you can take on some assignments to bring in some income. He says, great. He's on board. Do you know what my ex-partner did?
12:37Sean Pyles:He plagiarized?
Read the full transcript
12:39Elizabeth Ayoola:Plagiarized. No. The articles. Yes. Oh, my gosh. It was so embarrassing. So I'm just like, at this point, I can't force you to make money and I'm not going to continue paying all the bills. So that's where that went.
12:49Sean Pyles:And that's indicative of so much more around their work ethic and what they were expecting you to do for them. Like we kind of mentioned earlier how in some relationships, especially like my straight girlfriends talked to me about this, how sometimes they fall into like a mom role with their boyfriends and how that can be kind of the least sexy, fun, romantic thing imaginable is when you are their caretaker and their nurse. and you're suddenly still expected to be a romantic partner too, which is not it. You need someone who's on equal footing with you, even if they aren't making as much as you.
13:21Sean Pyles:I think there are still ways to have a more equitable relationship. And even if it's a less extreme situation than what it seems like our listener is dealing with right now, say you're just making maybe$50 ,000 or$75 ,000 more than your partner, there are still totally fair ways to manage your finances. Like the person who's making more can maybe cover more of the household expenses or maybe cover more of your dinners out while the person who's making less can still contribute. But in a way that allows them to continue saving for their own goals and for their own retirement. Some couples get tempted to do 50-50 regardless of how much each person is making.
13:56Sean Pyles:And that's really not fair.
13:57Elizabeth Ayoola:It's not because it doesn't always pan out that way, does it? So you have to, again, you know, I love to talk about money values, but you need to see where your values are in terms of splitting household responsibilities and finances and see what equitable looks like based on that.
14:11Sean Pyles:Yes, exactly. And remember, at the end of the day, you guys are a team. You're supposed to be doing things together to fund your life and your future and your household. Think about a way you can do that that is most sustainable and that allows each of you to grow in your own ways. And that also means growing your savings accounts, too.
14:28Elizabeth Ayoola:We are going to go on a quick break. We'll be back in a minute.
14:36Sean Pyles:Today's episode is sponsored by Rula. Finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one that actually takes your insurance, that's where most online therapy platforms fall short. Many don't work with insurance at all, which means you're stuck paying the full cost out of pocket or paying for an expensive monthly subscription.
14:53Elizabeth Ayoola:Rula does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans, making the average copay just$15 per session. That's real therapy from licensed professionals at a price that actually makes sense. Think about it. You use your insurance benefits to maintain your physical health, so why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?
15:13Sean Pyles:Rula isn't just affordable. The experience is tailored around you. Other online therapy platforms might match you with the first available provider, whether or not they're the right fit. Rula considers your goals, preferences, and background to provide you a curated list of licensed in-network therapists who are actually aligned with what you need, because they know that finding the right therapist can make all the difference. Go to rula.com slash smartmoney to get started today. That's R-U-L-A dot com slash smartmoney for quality therapy that's covered by insurance.
15:41Elizabeth Ayoola:Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit Rula.com slash smartmoney to get started. That's R-U-L-A dot com slash smartmoney. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget.
16:00Sean Pyles:Today's episode is sponsored by Shopify. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to make it happen. Everything you need to start selling is included and ready from day one.
16:10Elizabeth Ayoola:Including the moment your first customer is ready to pay. Shopify checkout helps more of them finish their purchase. And when they come back, their details are already saved. And one tap, and they're done.
16:21Sean Pyles:Because Shopify handles the setup and checkout, you have more time to focus on growing your business and the tools to do it.
16:27Elizabeth Ayoola:Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide, from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to small businesses just getting started.
16:35Sean Pyles:With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one.
16:40Elizabeth Ayoola:Start your free trial at shopify.com slash smart money.
16:44Sean Pyles:That's Shopify.com slash smart money.
17:14Sean Pyles:pay our bills. So it seems like so much of the earning money and managing the finances is just falling on PA Girl. And I'm left wondering, what's their partner doing?
17:24Elizabeth Ayoola:Another telltale sign of this is that PA Girl wrote the question in. So clearly they are trying to get their finances together and figure out how to stretch their budget. But I wonder if their partner is contributing to that mental load as well.
17:38Sean Pyles:I mean, I'm thinking of that TLC song, No Scrubs. We don't want no scrubs for PA girl. And I hope that this isn't the situation that they're dealing with. I really, I hope and like, I just want them to have a supportive partner that's contributing in some ways, because there are ways to contribute beyond just money. You know, maybe the partner is super good about taking care of the pets or cleaning the house or making amazing dinners for PA girl every single night. But if that's not the case, you really have to begin to question what's going on here? Is this an equitable, fair dynamic? Or am I the only one doing the work in this relationship?
18:14Elizabeth Ayoola:And there are some relationships where one person doesn't mind doing all the providing and it's okay. And that makes me think about different money scripts in a relationship. But it seems like based on the question, the tone of the question, maybe that's not the case for PA Girl.
18:28Sean Pyles:Yeah. And there are some kind of archetypal money scripts that couples fall into. There are three main ones that are outlined by a CFP, a certified financial planner named Rick Kaler. He's also a financial therapist. And they are equal dividers, proportional spenders. Those two are pretty much what they sound like. And then the last one is the funder and beneficiary, which is also kind of what it sounds like. So it seems like PA Girl and her partner may be in this funder-beneficiary dynamic where one person is in the position of contributing a lot more financially, and the other person is on the receiving end.
19:02Sean Pyles:And this can really create and or exacerbate an unequal dynamic. And that's just something to watch out for because it can become kind of toxic over time.
19:12Elizabeth Ayoola:It can be toxic, again, especially if there's no communication on whether you want to take on that role. We know life happens sometimes, right? And maybe you start out as the provider, you start out equal, but one person loses their job. This could be the scenario in PA girl situation. Maybe their partner lost their job and just picked up any work they could find and the income is not consistent. But again, it's just important that you both communicate about what it is that you want and what role that you want to take on as well.
19:37Sean Pyles:And I want to bring some empathy to that sort of funder-beneficiary dynamic. It's not always going to be toxic. I think there are ways where in one dynamic, it could be one person in the partnership is making a lot of money. The other person maybe has very minimal income, and it actually isn't a problem just because the person who's making more is making a healthy amount and they can pay their bills pretty easily. and then the other person understands how to contribute in different ways to the relationship and is still working to bring in some income if they can. And of course, we know there are some relationships where maybe one person has a disability and can't work at all.
20:10Sean Pyles:And that's a different situation as well. But it's about having mutual trust and support and communicating and not having it be a sort of extractive, exploitative dynamic, which I really hope isn't the case. But it seems like PA Girl is really stressed here. So I hope that they can feel like they're being supported by their partner.
20:29Elizabeth Ayoola:So, Sean, we've talked about the importance of having this conversation, but how do people have the conversation? What are some kind of strategies that we can give PA Girl or anyone else out there who needs to have this sometimes awkward conversation about inconsistent income?
20:43Sean Pyles:I would say start with empathy and remembering that you guys are both on the same team. And then maybe write out some of your thoughts beforehand and maybe write them in your journal in the most unfiltered, frustrated way possible so you can get that out before you enter this conversation. And then talk about some of these questions we've been raising. What feels equitable? How much can each of you pay? And also as PA girl or anyone else is going through this exercise, think about the limits of a relationship. If you're having these conversations and you feel like you're not making any progress and the dynamic is beginning to feel like overly challenging and toxic and frustrating, you're not moving ahead.
21:23Sean Pyles:Know when you might need to get out of the relationship like you did, Elizabeth. Can you talk about that moment where you said, I'm just done because this guy is a complete scrub, to quote TLC? Yeah.
21:35Elizabeth Ayoola:Well, it was about a year in. And yeah, I was like, is this really how I want to spend my life? Obviously, there were other factors as well. And we lived together. This was the first person that I moved in with. So that made it even more difficult to break up because I'm like, oh, wait, when you break up, you have to move all your stuff out, too. We did end up having an amicable breakup. And honestly, after that relationship, I still ended up dating lots of people with inconsistent incomes. But I will say the theme that I've learned about myself, Sean, was the importance about being honest with myself about what role I wanted to play in finances in terms of household contributions in a relationship.
22:10Elizabeth Ayoola:And that's advice that I also have for PA Girl and anyone else out there. When you are jotting down your thoughts before having this conversation with your partner, be honest with yourself about what you need. Don't be influenced by what society says that you should contribute or should be your values. That's a chance to really uncover what your true beliefs are and also maybe uncover some money trauma there or some financial trauma or general traumas that you have around finances that may be impacting your relationship and how you show up.
22:39Sean Pyles:Oh, I love that. And I've also been in relationships where I've made more than a partner who had a pretty low and inconsistent income. And there were times where it was challenging if I was concerned that they weren't maybe going to be able to pay their bills and we'd have to make some tough decisions. But because I love these people, I viewed it as my role to support them through these challenges. And it didn't become a sort of toxic funder-beneficiary dynamic because we had these ongoing conversations. and really importantly, the person that I was seeing wanted to contribute and be self-sustaining in their own way.
23:12Sean Pyles:And so as long as you're with someone who is trying to create their own life and find their fulfillment and contribute value to the relationship and also support the relationship financially to some extent, I think that can go really far, even if the income isn't going as far as you might want.
23:26Elizabeth Ayoola:Now, conflicts arises. You have these conversations and you're just not on the same page. That's the worst case scenario. How do you manage that?
23:34Sean Pyles:I would go back to focusing on your shared goals. Again, you guys are on the same team, and you're going to have disagreements sometimes, but focus on what you can both do to get ahead and move past the conflict. And maybe some of these things aren't surmountable. Like if the person you're seeing just isn't really willing to make changes or bring in more income, and that's a big sticking point, then you might need to, again, find that point at which you just need to part ways. But this moment is also just one period in time, not the forever state of your relationship. What can you do to have a better path maybe three or six months down the road so that the income and the spending habits feel a little bit more equitable and fair and stable, really important there?
24:17Sean Pyles:And just try to work toward that. Try to make some kind of roadmap so that your finances aren't as stressful as they are today.
24:22Elizabeth Ayoola:I imagine also with these scenarios, there could be some conflict around money management styles. What if PA girl is a bit more frugal and the partner is a bit more of a spendthrift? What comes to mind to help in those scenarios is compromising a meeting somewhere in the middle. So while the inconsistent income partner may not have a lot coming in, even if they're allocated$20,$30 a month to doing something they enjoy doing, this is all scenario based. Let's say they're the spendthrift. That can help meeting the middle if you're like, hey, we need to save all of the surplus income. And they don't agree with that because they're like, I barely have any money coming in and I got to enjoy my life.
24:59Elizabeth Ayoola:So it's about finding a little compromise in the middle too, if you can't get on the same page, because a lot of people don't come to a relationship with the same exact money values.
25:07Sean Pyles:And something I've learned over, you know, my 10 plus years with Garrett is that when conflict arises, it's really important to turn toward each other instead of kind of turning away. It can be tempting when you have some kind of conflict to feel like you are completely alone in the situation and that the person that maybe isn't on your same side. Whereas if you begin to bridge that divide and talk about how you're feeling using a lot of like I statements like, oh, I felt this way when XYZ thing happened instead of you did XYZ thing. This is just a basic conflict management from therapy, which I also recommend everyone access if they can do so.
25:43Sean Pyles:Just try to remember that, again, you guys are on the same team, you should be a shared unit. And even if your finances aren't compatible in some ways, you seem like you are, you want to build a life together. So pursue that and remember that.
25:58Elizabeth Ayoola:In no way are we saying PA girl or anybody should dump their partner if they're not lifting their financial weight. But as Sean said, you should have some deal breakers because financial stress is a real thing. I have experienced it and it can really, really do damage long term. So you want to think about where your enough is enough line. And actually, speaking of which, according to NerdWallet's 2026 dating deal breaker survey, 46 % of Americans say that a partner asking to borrow money is a deal breaker in a romantic relationship.
26:29Sean Pyles:Is that the case for you, Elizabeth? Would you ever lend money to a partner?
26:33Elizabeth Ayoola:So it depends on where we are. If I just met you, because this is the thing, I'm always in the dating threads and Reddits and all those things. And people will be asking to borrow money within the first two dates or three dates. I don't know you. So that is absolutely a deal breaker. But if we're actually in a relationship, no, that's not a deal breaker. I think as long, like you said, as the relationship is equitable, I'm with you because I care about you and I love you. And if you need to borrow money and you're financially responsible, of course I'd help you. But that said, I have been in a relationship where a partner asked, but they were not financially responsible.
27:02Elizabeth Ayoola:So I did not lend them that money because I needed it back.
27:05Sean Pyles:And that speaks to how the question about whether to lend someone money or not is so individual and context specific and depends on your relationship dynamic and what you know about their money management. Like if you know they're about to go out with their friends and blow a bunch of money on a weekend at the bars, that's not an okay reason to lend someone money. But if they maybe need to get out of a tight spot and they just need to cover their rent for a month, maybe two, I think that that's more okay. Although to your point, I wouldn't maybe expect to get that money back.
27:34Elizabeth Ayoola:Sean, don't you think that's a little bit judgy? I think if I went to my partner and said, hey, I need to borrow$50 until payday because I'm going out with my girls and I want to have a good time, would that be terrible for him to lend me money for that reason?
27:47Sean Pyles:That's a fair point. Maybe I was being a little bit harsh. Obviously, everyone can make their own decisions with their money. I just tend to be kind of conservative in this area. And 50 bucks is different than a few hundred dollars. So I might be tempted to be okay with the$50 just to go out and have a drink with your friends. But on the whole, I'm going to want to be really choosy about what I give someone money for. And that's just me because I tend to be conservative with these things.
28:12Elizabeth Ayoola:So I know not to come to you if I need to borrow money for vacation. Only for rent. Only for rent.
28:18Sean Pyles:Yes, that's right, Elizabeth.
28:20Elizabeth Ayoola:Well, PA girl, we hope you're listening to this episode and we hope we've been able to answer your question. Please go through that bare bones budget, have those conversations with your partner and ultimately do what's best for your long term finances and help.
28:33Sean Pyles:And please find a way to make this whole situation a little less stressful for you. All right, folks, if you've made it to this far in the episode, you must be a super fan of Smart Money and of Elizabeth and me. And I want to talk about a couple of ways that you can get to know us even better. The main one is our super fun newsletter that is put together each week with the help from our producer Tess. Elizabeth shares some fantastic parenting advice, and I usually just talk about whatever the heck is going on in my garden and maybe a little bit about what's going on in my all-consuming running career, which has become a part-time job.
29:07Sean Pyles:We'll have a link in the episode description where you can sign up. But Elizabeth, I want to hear what you've been talking about and thinking with your newsletter section about parenting.
29:15Elizabeth Ayoola:Before we do that, you know, I always need a roundabout before I answer the question. Sean. Okay. So did I tell you about my avocado? I did tell you about my avocado plan. Do you remember about my avocado?
29:25Sean Pyles:Oh, you started an avocado from a pit that you got just an avocado from the grocery store. Is that right?
29:30Elizabeth Ayoola:Yes. No, my boyfriend. Yes. It was all romantic and stuff. Yeah. So for the past year and a half, it's been blooming and blooming and now the leaves are gone and the top of it is black. What's happening to my avocado? I need your planting tip, Sean. Is it dead?
29:45Sean Pyles:I need to see some pictures of where it is. It might need some more sun. It might need some more soil. Those are kind of the two main triggers to play with. But send me some pics. Where is it? Is it still in water or do you have it in a pot?
29:57Elizabeth Ayoola:It's in a pot. We've actually changed the pot twice now. So it's in a bigger pot and it's right in my kitchen window with all this amazing sunlight. The okra next to it, because I have an okra and it grows like one okra. No, not yum, Sean. It's dead. It's all brown. The stem is brown too. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I killed it. Oh, so sad. Anyways, I need your tips. But yeah, okay. Sorry, what was your question? I need to make a house visit.
30:20Sean Pyles:I want to hear about your parenting tips, what you write about in the newsletter.
30:24Elizabeth Ayoola:I write about anything that comes to mind, kind of how I yap. So if you guys like listening to me yap or my random stories, that's how I come up with my newsletter stories. One of the last ones I did was about back to school shopping. That's coming up really quickly. So I just put some tips in terms of what I'm doing for that. The other day, I also did one not exactly parenting related, but kind of about how me and my friend are doing a financial goal to go on a cruise with our kids and how cool it feels to have a shared financial goal with a friend. That's something I've never done before. That's so sweet.
30:52Elizabeth Ayoola:I just talk about anything.
30:54Sean Pyles:I think that's kind of the fun of the newsletter is that we don't have to be as formal or maybe as thoughtful as we do when we're being recorded on this podcast. and half the time I'm trying to find some sort of connection between finances and gardening, of which there are many, but I would say more than half the time, it's just me saying, here's what's pretty in my garden this week. Isn't this nice? Or me saying, okay, I ran 45 miles last week and here's how much money I spent on my running habit. And I just kind of like to have it as a space where people can get to know us better and we can just chat and write because Elizabeth, you and I used to be writers full time and I miss it.
31:26Sean Pyles:I want to write more. So this is my spot to do that. We also have more practical tips beyond Elizabeth and mine's ramblings. We have recaps of recent episodes, including some timestamps in the episode of really great tips that we talk about. And very importantly, our producer Tess has her own little blurb where she talks about what's going on in her life and her reflections on finance, because people may not know this, but she was a host of Marketplace for many years, and she is wise beyond her years. And it's just a fabulous person to hear from. So please check it out, sign up for our newsletter.
31:57Sean Pyles:And one last very selfish call out. Follow me on Instagram because I'm trying to post more and be accountable and help people with their finances on social media. And the more people that follow me, the more I'm actually likely to do this beyond just posting random photos from my garden. You can find me at Sean triple underscore piles on Instagram.
32:13Elizabeth Ayoola:I am so sorry. I'm taking a, well, I'm not sorry. I'm taking a social media break. So my Instagram is deactivated. Now, if you want to, yes, I am trying to engage with my life and be present and not saying you can't do that on social media. But as somebody who works in the media and is constantly online, I find myself getting some fatigue. So I just wanted to focus on a few goals. I'll be back on there soon. And I'll let y 'all know when I'm back so you can follow me also.
32:38Sean Pyles:I get that. Okay. I'm proud of you because I also need a break because this app has me in a chokehold.
32:44Elizabeth Ayoola:Listen, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It's like, girl, and you know what's interesting? I'm trying to get Ayo off of his tech addiction, even though I only let him use his iPad on the weekends for a couple of hours, he can't stop thinking or talking about the iPad. It's like crack. And I hate how addicted he is to the screen. So I have to lead by example, which is why I'm also trying to spend less time on my phone and social media sucks up a lot of my time.
33:09Sean Pyles:I'm proud of you. Okay. Well, we'll check in on that later because again, I'm so deep in the throes of this little rectangle in my pocket. Well, I think that's all we've got for this episode. Remember folks that this show runs on your money questions. So send them our way. You can leave us a voicemail or text us on the nerd hotline at 901-730-6373. That's 901-730-NERD. Or email us at podcast at nerdwallet.com. You can also drop a comment on Spotify or YouTube.
33:35Elizabeth Ayoola:Follow Smart Money on your favorite podcast app that includes Apple, Spotify, and iHeartRadio to automatically download new episodes.
33:43Sean Pyles:And here's our brief disclaimer. We are not your financial or investment advisors. This nerdy info is provided for general educational and entertainment purposes and may not apply to your specific circumstances. Some companies mentioned in this episode may be NerdWallet partners, but that does not influence how we discuss them.
33:58Elizabeth Ayoola:And until next time, turn to the nerds.
34:05Sean Pyles:Most of us are one good deal away from finally replacing that worn out rug, fixing up the backyard or getting the bedroom we actually want. Good news. That deal's almost here. Wayfair's Black Friday in July sale. Get up to 80 % off area rugs and up to 60 % off outdoor and bedroom furniture. Shop Wayfair's huge selection of styles and find the piece to fit your style, budget, and space. Plus, free shipping. Black Friday in July ends July 27th. Shop today at Wayfair.com.
From the publisher
Learn how couples can budget around inconsistent income and navigate the financial and emotional strain it can create.
What can you do when your partner's income is too unpredictable to plan around? Hosts Sean Pyles, CFP®, and Elizabeth Ayoola answer a question from a listener who is struggling to cover household bills because her spouse's income fluctuates week to week. They examine the financial mechanics of the situation — from which budgeting frameworks could bring more stability to an irregular income household, to whether separate accounts might protect your finances, and what to consider when the budget feels like there's nowhere left to cut.
Then, they get into the messier emotional questions: how this kind of financial imbalance could shift the power dynamic in a relationship, what a "funder and beneficiary" dynamic looks like and when it tips into unhealthy territory, and what it takes to have honest money conversations with your partner before financial stress erodes the trust between you. Sean and Elizabeth also draw on NerdWallet's 2026 Dating Dealbreaker survey, which found that 46% of Americans say a partner asking to borrow money is a dealbreaker in a romantic relationship.
Sign up for the Smart Money newsletter for bonus content and behind-the-scenes updates from Sean and Elizabeth: https://smartmoney-nerdwallet.beehiiv.com/
Survey: 17% of Americans Say Credit Card Debt is a Dating Dealbreaker https://www.nerdwallet.com/finance/studies/2026-dating-dealbreakers
Want us to review your budget? Fill out this form — completely anonymously if you want — and we might feature your budget in a future segment! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScK53yAufsc4v5UpghhVfxtk2MoyooHzlSIRBnRxUPl3hKBig/viewform?usp=header
Smart Money’s YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@nerdwalletsmartmoney
To send the Nerds your money questions, call or text the Nerd hotline at 901-730-6373 or email podcast@nerdwallet.com. Like what you hear? Please leave us a review and tell a friend.
*The show notes were created with the assistance of AI. They have been reviewed by our editorial team for accuracy and quality.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices