Adam Kay Explains What’s Normal For Your Baby | No Parental Guidance

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1:17Erasing thoughts and restless nights won't stand a chance. Find Ollie's sleep solutions for the whole family at ollie.com. That's O-L-L-Y dot com. Coming up, you've got a list here, Adam, of your parenting fails. Would you like to tell us some of your fails? I mean, it's difficult to know where to start. We've reversed over three buggies. As a former doctor, what's the most creative non-medical object you've ever had to retrieve from a patient's office? I'd say very worst being a toilet brush. What?

2:01We do an Easter egg hunt in our garden. Yeah. And one year I asked Jesse to hide all the eggs, you know, in the garden. He was like, oh, it's a bomb. But he planted all these eggs. That was his job. Yeah. He did such a good job of it. No one found anything. I like to get an Easter egg myself. Well, Andy won't buy me an Easter egg. Why? Why? So I used to go out with this guy, right? He was also called Andy, my first boyfriend. And he used to go to this handmade chocolate shop. And he used to buy me this Easter egg. And it was filled with like handmade chocolates. But I'm not joking with you. It was like that big, like that.

2:44And it was unbelievable. He used to buy one for me and he'd buy one for my mum. So the first Easter, I got together with my now husband, also called Andy. yeah um I mentioned to him I was like oh well um like like I'll get you I'm gonna get you an easter egg and stuff I was you know just checking he was gonna get me one and uh I said because like Andy who I used to go out with he used to buy me and then I was like the most amazing I described it exactly how I just described it to you yeah and Andy looked at me now Andy and he went I'm not buying you an easter egg wow and he still hasn't done and he's never bought me an easter egg wow He won't do it.

3:20Even though his surname is basically Easter, it's East. Yeah, he just won't do it. And I was like, I've birthed three humans for you. I just want an Easter egg. I've never had a push present. I just want an Easter egg with chocolates inside the egg. There's something that I did a reel the other day about how my husband is around the house compared to how he is around the car. And like, I don't know if you saw it, but like, he's around the house. He'll leave like coffee cups and, you know, packets of crisps, whatever. Not in the car. In the car. Crikey. Yeah. It's like his shrine or something. If there's like anything in the car, he won't even let the kids eat in the car.

4:03No, no. Andy won't either. This is a thing with men. So Andy got his car and Logan got in it and he'd been in the garden and his feet just touched the back of Andy's seat and there was mud prints on it. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. you would think Andy was about to give himself a hernia oh no I was like calm down Andy and he was like not in my car Hannah that you can do this in your mum's car eat in her car like it is a bin my car so Andy went online and bought like covers for the seats so they wrap around the back all around the seat all in front of his seat he's got these waterproof coverings to cover the back of it and I'm like why can't you see the laundry on the stairs how can you How can you not see hair in the sink, but you can see a little crumb in the back of your car?

4:52It's crazy. It's crazy. I want to know why. You've got a list here, Adam, of your parenting fails. Would you like to tell us some of your fails? I mean, it's difficult to know where to start. We've reversed over three buggies, our own buggies, empty. but I mean it's one of the major sort of lines on what turns out to be the childcare budget is the frequency with which we you know we've only put one buggy back in the car so you mean you've literally run over your own buggy yes oh wow three of them three of them wow okay no I've never done that okay well that's just a me thing that's just a me thing have you done that Hannah I haven't I was just wondering about you know maybe getting your eyesight checked or something like that yeah I mean maybe it's a blind spot in the car's reversing blame the car blame the car had a medical fail actually so Ruby got to she about at about a year she started speaking quite quite early doors and she was she was saying a few words and obviously you know all you want to know is your kid saying more than that kid and so and she was saying more than some other kids I was like hey I think we've got the genius yes of course and then so she had these sort of four or five words she was doing and then nothing and that was her and then suddenly all the other kids are saying more and then we get beyond 18 months and I'm doing the uh sort of doing the like milestone check online NHS milestones and like no by this day she should be doing sonnets and things I'm like oh she's still doing her five words and and James and I know it's fine I mean sure it's fine everyone progress at different stages and I know that but at the same time she's not and so um i'm like um we you know we go and see someone and organize a speech therapy session and um and so this the lovely speech comes around the house and first thing is um that it's got like this bag of toys bag of different objects and the idea is you know takes them out just to work out the vocab all these different things and um and so takes one out and i said you know that's cool and goes yep spoon it's like you've never said that before wow uh what's that one teddy what's that one plate what's that one my god it was like you have and i'm apologizing this it's obviously fine and good and i'm very happy that she's saying this stuff but it's like like when you take the car to the garage and it's got the engine light on as soon as you get in it's like i swear that like the red light looked like the engine it was like yesterday i promise i remember my son um went through this fear of sharks and i couldn't figure it out and I ended up taking him to A &E and on the wall to the children's ward sharks and fish so again he was freaking out and even the the lady A &E was like I don't know like maybe it's more psychological like I don't understand so I ended up taking him to like the Portland hospital spent 400 pounds and the doctors went what's the matter and he just went I don't like sharks no No, he didn't.

7:52And I was like, are you kidding me? I've spent a week thinking that you're seriously messed up. And it's my, like, and I was just, you know, and I've been saying to him, what's the matter? What's the matter? Let's put on a little mermaid. Here's the shark. I'm making him worse. Look at the ocean, darling. Look at the ocean. Yeah, and you don't realize how many sharks in kids' programs. Yeah. They're everywhere. Yeah. We're quite a pro-shark family. So basically, I've got my little office and they'll come in and one of the main things they'll ask to see, to interrupt me, is can I look at a video of sharks?

8:36And so they'll come in and so I play one and they're sort of jumping out the water and that. And then Ruby was like, can I see a video of a shark eating a man? I was like, no, you cannot. What's wrong with you? Keep an eye on you. Oh, my God. She's like, basically, just watch YouTube for another 10 minutes. It'll come up on you. Wow. So usually we get our listeners to write in with their fails, sometimes their wins. But because we have a doctor, I know you haven't practiced for about 14 years, but we're going to go with this anyway because I'm sure some of these dilemmas you'll be able to answer.

9:08And some of them are funny. Things I've read in the back of cereal packets and things. Okay, fine. Right, let's go. First one. I'm currently obsessed with the smell of my baby's head. Not just, oh, that's nice. but full on sniffing like he's a fine vintage wine. My husband thinks I've lost my mind. Is this a biological phenomenon or have I genuinely developed a weird addiction? It is a nice smell. It is something. It is something. And it shouldn't be, but there's just something in your brainstem telling you that's good. But can you imagine though, if it stank and it was repulsive, like you literally parent differently.

9:42Yeah, there's enough problems with brand new babies without without there's enough of them that smells bad without their head smell but maybe is it worth just contacting diptyque and saying you know if you if you think of a new diffuser you know i'm sure it would sell baby head yeah yeah right next one my baby hasn't pooed for five days she's breastfed and seems happy but five days feels like such a long time is there a number where it becomes not fine i think anything that isn't normal for that child then just get on the phone to you know 111 or the GP or you know or your midwife or health visitor just just get some advice pooing is you know pooing is personal we all poo different amounts and adults and babies if it doesn't feel right to you just yeah ask for help okay right so we've got some more questions I'm going to ask you so the next one is my toddler has developed a very specific talent for sticking things where they don't belong last week it was a pee up the nose today I'm fairly certain there is a missing lego head somewhere in the digestive tract as a former doctor what's the most creative non-medical object you've ever had to retrieve from a patient's orifice well um luckily we're not not in the realm of uh of toddlers uh here i dealt with adults who should know better and have absolutely uh no excuse um i'd say very worst uh being a toilet brush up the a**hole and the painful uh way because there's two ways you could insert a toilet brush so yeah bristles first who are we to judge i mean how did you get it out i think that that was that was beyond uh uh the uh it's sort of house officer in a and e that was that was surgical team and what and like i have so many questions with that like i guess you can't you've got to have a hobby well well i mean right i mean was that it was that person i missed would that be for pleasure it'd be for for pleasure and yeah it's got stuck you know for pleasure i just i just I just go to the cinema yeah I go for a massage yeah wow so at that point how do you keep a straight face that's that's that's one of that's one of the biggest issues the professionalism has to take over so yeah it's like it's like the the swan with its legs doing that under yeah yeah so you know you're um you know you you're very good at poker as a doctor basically maintain the veneer of professionalism yeah and you know you know you've got this uh 80 year old man telling me he uses, you know, this sort of colossal butt plug called the ass master.

12:30He was 80. Oh no, this one wasn't. But you're in clinic and someone's telling this stuff. And then this was a young man with a boyfriend and a mother and the mother didn't know who was gay. It was quite an interesting one. But, you know, this thing happens and then you just have to keep his straight face. Pretend it's me. So I've just come to you and I've said, listen, I've put a toilet brush up my asshole and I can't get it out. And I put it there. And when did this happen, madam? A few hours ago. You just have to do that. And then the professionalism slightly melts away when 15 years later or 20 years later, go on a podcast and talk about it.

13:09Is there anything you worry about your kitchen? I don't mean toilet brushes at their bums, but I mean, you know, where there's like knives in the kitchen or are there any things that you're really strict on, like danger, hazard? So I think probably like in a lot of relationships, there are two types of parent yeah james is the childproof in the house and i'm that i'll probably be all right um so that's one of i'd say that's the uh that's sort of the main source of friction in our in our you know relationship yeah and james will be you know telling me that i haven't cut the cherry tomatoes into enough pieces i'm just glad i remembered yeah i love that that you It's so true, though, that the opposites attract where I'm like, oh, my God, be careful of this, be careful of that.

13:54And then other things I am so relaxed about that my husband's really uptight about. And we have that pattern and that just causes arguments. Do either of you get uptight about the cleanliness of your car? No. I mean, so there's this interesting thing that I'm sure you've heard about. that first children are much more likely to get all sorts of allergies and asthma and eczema and hayfee and things like that because first time around you're like must sanitize everything second time you're like oh god i don't have time for that and so because they're exposed to more of these allergens in their lives they end up you know having sort of slightly you know meatier immune systems um but uh because of my attitude to overall cleanliness in life you know the car's knee-deep in crisp packets uh you're like i don't i don't know if it's ever seen the you know seen a seen a baby wipe on on any of the the plastic um but um yeah i think i think they're going to be fine immunity wise okay this is the next one i'm pregnant with my second child and she's measuring at in the 91st percentile already my son was big too but this time around they're worried about gestational gestational i also that wrong gestational gestational diabetes i'm really healthy and active what do you think do i need to be worried and what's your advice why does this happen at all what's the cause so that's a good it's a good question um so pregnancy as you as you well know is a big stress on the on the system and changes all the levels of basically everything you've got you know like your your blood volume increases by you know by over a third and your and your pulse changes and your breathing rate changes.

15:39And, you know, it's this enormous change to the body. And alongside that, you know, sometimes things happen that you don't want to happen. And these conditions such as gestational, you've made me not say it now. I know, sorry. Gestational diabetes. And it doesn't mean that you've got diabetes. It just means that the stress is put on your body tips your sort of insulin resistance, It's called into that category. But the important thing is just to get tested. It's part of, you know, routine testing, you know, particularly for babies measuring big. But it's a very good thing to go for that test because it's a condition that, you know, it's quite manageable.

16:27One of those things doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. You haven't. And it doesn't mean you've got diabetes. You don't. It's a separate thing. I know a lot of pregnant women who get told that they are like bigger than they should be for their, where they are in their pregnancy. And pregnant women get so worried. And actually, a lot of the time, the baby's probably fine. Some babies are big, some babies are small. So every time you go for an appointment, they get out this measuring tape and they do that thing and they press down there and they press down there and it's a bit sore and they look at it and go, oh, that's about right.

16:58That's a screening tool. So basically, that can be miles off, depending if you're skinny or less skinny and all sorts of things, the way the baby's lying. But that's just a first screening thing. All right, maybe we should just get you a quick scan. And look, some babies are 5%, some babies are 95%. But the important thing is that the 5 % baby stays at that level all the way across. and it isn't a 5 % baby who next week is a 3 % baby. You know, if mum's six foot nine, dad's eight foot four, the baby's not going to be on the 50th centile. There's all sorts of things going on. But also with all my pregnancies, I felt like with my third pregnancy, my tummy was bigger than my first pregnancy.

17:46So my body was just going, oh, here we go again. And so I think my percentile looked big and the baby was actually the smallest one I had. When they're weighing the baby, you know, when they do an estimate, of the fetal weight that can you know there's some algorithm that calculates it that can sometimes be out by you know 10 20 percent yeah i have a question for you if that's okay now that we're asking questions yeah what's your thoughts on the accuracy of the tape measure from your belly button to your pubic bone um you know when you go for your check-ups with your midwives and stuff and as you just touched on it then it depends where the baby's lying or you know um because every time i've gone towards the latter part of my pregnancy um if i've had maybe a student midwife that's measured it and it's been like two three centimeters out from the previous time and then i kind of want to say but it was measured a different part of my pubic bone i mean that's and it is clearly not super super super accurate as a measuring tool in whoever's hands and we know that um just because there's so many variables um but it's a cheap free you know easy quick way of just checking if it does measure you know your number of weeks then great on you go if it doesn't if you get you end up having an extra ultrasound you know i mean i liked it you know a few times it's like oh we're not measuring quite the same it's like go for an ultrasound because i was obsessed with having scans i'd go for a private scan every week with all my pregnancies i spent i must have spent thousands of pounds but that's me having two miscarriages where i was so scared that something was wrong twice i've been told the baby's okay and then the week later i've lost it So I've been like, right, scan every night.

19:24I'd sit with a Doppler on my stomach and listen. And every week, and my husband used to be like, should I just buy shares in this place that you keep going? Or should we just buy one of the machines? Should I buy you one of these ultrasound machines? And then you can see the baby because I was absolutely obsessed with it. So when they'd say at the hospital, oh, you have to go for a scan. I think there's me save 50 quid this week. So it wasn't a bad thing. I think everyone is happy to get the reassurance of an ultrasound. Adam, I want to talk about your new book. It's called Dexter Proctor and the Case of the Disappearing Doctor.

19:58And it is out now. And it's, you don't need to have read the first one, but you can have read the first one. And there's a huge mystery in the town of Lillydale where Dexter is based and him and his mates have to solve it. And it's got some medicine in there and it's got lots of disgustingness in there. Oh, brilliant. I love that. I think it's dead fun. And we've also made that now into a special, which will be out on the BBC at some point later this year. I can't imagine what it'd be like for you to have spent all this time writing, like in an office at home, surrounded by, you know, chaos with two kids.

20:35And then to see it all come into fruition must be like such an incredible feeling. Yeah, it is. It slightly changed my working hours having kids. And in fact, the first Dexter book is dedicated to Anna, Elsa and Olaf for keeping my kids quiet for long enough to be able to write it. I love that. That's absolutely heartfelt. You've actually dedicated your book to them? Yeah. Without them, that would have not been possible. That's brilliant. Let it go. What's your next book dedication going to be? So book two is dedicated to the favourite of my two children for them to have a lovely argument about when they're old enough to read that.

21:16I always think it's good to have a funny dedication. Oh, absolutely. Because some of them are so earnest. This is going to hurt, as the dedication said, to James for his wavering support, which was about right. Do you have a favourite child? Of course. We all have a favourite child. Today? Which one today? That's the question. Which one today? It depends on which one's been an absolute sh**. the previous day. Although Ruby has taken quite a lead this week. So it's just been World Book Day, which is my favourite thing in the world as an author. I mean, as a parent, slightly less so, as an author, oh my goodness.

22:01So nothing is better than the message from a parent saying, you know, this book has got my kid into reading or they were reluctant to read and they read that book it melts my heart it makes it all worthwhile and then the pinnacle of that is world book day and on social media i start getting sent all these pictures of these kids um and this year i had dozens and dozens and dozens of kids dressed up as dexter proctor which was absolutely heart melting i absolutely adore that and uh a nursery world book day and we were like okay go on what do you want to wear we luckily we were given or we remembered to read the email uh with a bit of notice um so we had about a week's leader and we we said to the kids what do you want uh what do you want to be for world book day and um ziggy and i really like this it's just i think it says a bit about the way he thinks he wanted to be you know zog yeah brilliant julian johnson you're well versed in Zog.

23:00He wanted to be the blue dragon who's in Zog's class but has no lines. But he's just stood in the corner of the page in all of them. So that's who he relates to. And there's no outfit that you can get on Amazon quickly. We found a blue, not identical, but close enough blue dragon. He was delighted. And Ruby said, maybe because she knew it would be good books, can I be Dexter? A book that she won't be able to read until she's seven. Automatically favourite child. automatically favorite child so that is that's a very easy question at time of press and i'm sure she will do something absolutely horrendous at nursery today that will reverse the rankings by the time i get home there was one year where my um son wanted to go as the wardrobe from lion the witch in the wardrobe amazing god so i made this cardboard brown paint wardrobe like i put my heart and soul into it made it he looked at it didn't like it what did you do he went wearing a football kit um adam thank you so much for being here absolute joy so much you're so funny and i can't wait to read your next book i want my kids to read it thank you very much thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode if you've enjoyed the chat do us a massive favor hit that subscribe button and ring that notification bell so you never miss an upload.

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