Am I a bad Mum?" Sara Pascoe's very honest parenting fail

0:00This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. FX's American Horror Story returns for an unrivaled 13th installment. With the iconic horrors you love to fear and an all-star cast reprising fan-favorite roles. Light your candles, draw your pentagrams, and prepare for a supreme surprise.

0:50FX's American Horror Story 13. Now streaming on Hulu. Coming up... Shall we have a drum roll? Sarah Pascoe! He keeps saying he can go out nude. Is your husband, are you? Yeah, sorry. I think because my husband goes out nude, my youngest thinks he can too. I can't pull an all-nighter anymore. I don't think I'll ever be able to pull an all-nighter ever again. By 40, I was just like, I'm just like a corpse pregnancy or something.

1:25Oh, one, two, one, two, one Sorry If anyone said, hey, I watch your mobile numbers When I give it to my I'd be like, yeah, it's all one, two, one, do one I've never heard of that before That's because you grew up somewhere proper, Louise You didn't grow up in Yorkshire I remember giving a fake phone number the same fake phone number to boys every single time because it's like a landline number. Your best mate's house number. And I remember once calling it and asking for my name and this person was like, who is this Louise? She doesn't live here. And I was like, okay, so the boys are actually calling me then.

2:04How easy was it back in the day though to just like give a fake phone number out? Yeah. And then that was like the old school ghosting. There was no like finding you online and... Oh, you'd be like, mum, someone's going to ring. Oh, dad, like there's a boy's going to ring. where you just say that I don't live here. Yeah. And they'd be like, hello. It's like, hiya, Hannah there. It's like, who? You got the wrong number. Yeah. And then they'd just put the phone down. I remember this guy called me all the time and I didn't like him at all. His name was Darren. And he just really liked me and I didn't have the heart to say, it's not going to happen, Darren.

2:37So I got my sister to pretend she was me and she was like, Darren, stop calling me. I'm not interested. Donk. and I was like thank you. Meanwhile you're listening on the other line. Yeah but yeah so that's the joy of having yeah being old school. Or you'd leave a message on the answering machine. I remember once I got the phone you know that song was like somebody answer the phone. I phoned a boy that I was going out with and he didn't answer the phone so I phoned back and played that song over the voicemail because I thought it was hilarious and he dumped me. Did he? Yeah he dumped me. his mum said I was a dick so he dumped me do you remember like you'd leave voice like you could have the voicemail on your phone I know you can still do it now and you'd just be like oh hey this is Hannah guess what or there'd be those absolute knobs that would have the hey you okay and you'd be like I'm fine and then they'd say what are you up to and be like well actually at the moment it's like it's not really me Yeah, I've been caught out with it a few times, actually.

3:46So much. I love annoying. Does anyone leave you a voicemail anymore? I've had two from the school while we've been sat here, Louise. Oh, have you? Yeah. Oh, school. School. We're right in the middle of it now, aren't we? Any fails? You go first. I've always kind of played this little game with Inka in the swimming changing rooms. It's a very small changing room. It's very safe and it's small and you can see everything. but we've always played this game where she hides in a locker. Yeah. And I pretend that I don't know where she is. And, you know, it's a game that we've always played. I always know where she is.

4:23Yeah. And then we went to Ikea. Oh, shit. Yeah. And all of a sudden, Inc. has gone missing. And the panic, because it's packed. I don't even know why I'm even thinking about taking, a child to Ikea anyway like it's chaos and um I'm like I don't know I feel sweaty I feel sweaty I know I am sweating I'm wearing a jumper for the first time in months and I'm sweating at this story so she's gone missing and I'm calling her name and I'm thinking she couldn't have gone that far because she was just here and then your mind goes someone's taken her someone's taken her she can't hear me and then I'm like she's fucking hiding somewhere isn't she I know she is and so you know when you kind of walk through like the yellow brick road of Ikea yeah and there's like you know a mock-up room I'd other people searching for her she found it hilarious she was hiding in a cupboard and a pretend bedroom in Ikea it's like a 55 bedroomed house in Ikea, isn't it?

5:32She could have been in anyone. So we don't play that game anymore. No. And they wonder why mothers drink wine. Yeah. What's in that cup, Louise? Is that coffee or wine? How about your film? Well, it just, it made me remember I took the boys, the last time I took the boys to JD Sports. Yeah. Like, that is the worst place for hide and seek, isn't it? I'm not finding them. Like the one in Loughborough is like the size of a football pitch. Oh, God. With like stuff everywhere. And they're like, I want some new trainers. I need new trainers. I'm like, I'm not buying you new trainers. Get them on Vinted.

6:13Get them online. Like you are not getting new shoes. Bradley's already lost a school shoe. Oh, standard. How many weeks have you been back at school? Not even a month, Louise. Have you lost a water bottle? I think we've gone through about five. Oh, Logan likes to chew them. And I know that they're his because one side is really chewed and the other isn't because his top teeth haven't come through yet. Oh, bless. It's like rubble from Paw Patrol. Chewing everything. But yeah, it's like water bottles, pencil cases, shoes, everything gone. Do you know what drives me mad? Is that there's a lot of this talk online how today's parenting doesn't add up with work.

6:49And then there are people, I guess like my mum, for example. Yeah. Would be like, well, you know, my day, we just got on with it. I'm like, in your day, you didn't have to survive on two incomes. Yeah. Although that's a lie. My mom totally did because she was a single mother. So I take that back. She literally slapped you across the face. She would slap you across the face. Shut up. We just got on with it. But also, you know, back in back in my day, my kids find it mad how I talk about how my childhood was. Like no phones. There was no GPS. There was nothing. Like if you got lost in the car on the motorway, obviously car broke down.

7:24You just dealt with it. Yeah. They're like, how? How? But what did you do? My eldest son's gone into year 10. So he's right in the thick of like starting his GCSEs and all of that. And he's like, mum, you did all this without Google. Yeah. Without ChatGBT. And I'm like, yeah, we had to actually think. You have brains. Yeah. And he's like, wow, yeah. I'm like, you think so? I'm like, I'm really smart, actually. And he's like, yeah, you must be. Now I'm thinking shit and I can't remember anything. Well, it's because you've had kids. Because I've got ChatGPC. None of us know what we're doing after kids.

8:03It just reduces your brain. Actually, on the way here this morning, I got to Waterloo and I was suddenly like, how do I get to the studio? Where am I going? I had to take a moment to go, right, where am I going? And we're here every week. Like, it's scary.

8:27This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. FX's American Horror Story returns for an unrivaled 13th installment with the iconic horrors you love to fear and an all-star cast reprising fan-favorite roles. Light your candles, draw your pentagrams, and prepare for a supreme surprise.

9:17FX's American Horror Story 13. Now streaming on Hulu. I don't think there's anybody in this country that doesn't know our next guest. Actress, author, incredible comedian. Shall we have a drum roll? Sarah Pascoe! Hello. Thank you for coming on. So happy you're here. I'm a huge fan. I will be girl crushing. No, I'll be girl crushing. You are brilliant. So pleased to have you on. You're glamorous, mums. Mate, look, I've just sewn you my shoe. I know, but that's why I love that you did that. because you're both so well presented and then you've had a disaster on the tube. Yeah, so for those of you watching, I was on the tube, on the escalators, and the heel got stuck.

10:03And I kept walking, had a Cinderella moment, where I realised I was walking with bare feet on the tube. Gross. And my shoe was stuck there, at the bottom of the escalator. And everyone was kind of like trying to avoid it and there's me trying to rip it out. And then, yes, the thing's broken. And you're that lady from the internet. Yeah, that's me. I love that you think that we're glam mums, but we're not really. You are glam mums. We're not. You're in the trenches, right? Yeah, I am in the trenches. Mine are four and nearly three. My little ones will be three next month. And I really, really struggle with two.

10:35They're age two. And so I'm hoping that we're turning a corner in a minute. Oh, yeah, two's a hard toddler's a twat. Well, it's the stubbornness and then the hurting themselves. It's the insistence of doing a thing and then creating their own downfall. and then that you are. So I'm supposed to make you feel better about this, am I? What are you like when your kids have like a meltdown in public? Because you're like a public figure, do you get that kind of like, oh, shit, or are you just like crack on? Well, I realised in, because we've just been at Chessington for two days, I think I'm fine for like the first seven or eight.

11:10It's the ninth one. It's the one where it becomes you've got nothing left to give. And I'm trying so hard with the little one not to use words like naughty and bad. I've read all the stuff I know. He's got this impulsivity problem at the moment. And I know, don't call him a bad boy. Don't call him a naughty boy. So accidentally, twat will slip out. And I think, okay. The gentle parenting goes out. Not to call him a twat in public. And no one else knows. Do you find that your youngest has turned a corner now that he's three? So yeah, he's just had his birthday. So I'm waiting for him to become slightly more reasonable.

11:47Okay. I hate to say this, you may be waiting a little bit longer. My four-year-old got so much better once he was three. We could reason with him a little bit. Yes. Is your eldest at school yet? He's just started. Oh, really? Oh, my gosh. I do find that when they start school, that's when I saw a massive difference. My boy is not so much my daughter. It's a phase that makes me hate myself because there's nothing more boring than going, can you not do that? I said not to do that yeah that's an animal I can't control it yeah I did say not to do it I did say if you stuck all the plasters to the bottom of the toilet we wouldn't have any for the holiday I did say if you ate all the plasters we wouldn't but you insisted because they use them like stickers and it's so it's just the board with me saying again and again and again but your whole house is just mummified now with plasters I just feel like they I've actually started doing the reverse not just that I did it a few years ago so say for example you give your kid a plate and you go don't touch it it's really hot yeah like that yeah but if you give them a play and go touch it it's hot then like oh i'm not touching that they confound you unfortunately my kids would both go okay i see what you're doing a and e yeah and it's strange because when you're in the thick of it you kind of dream for the days when they are that little bit older because they can wipe their own arse or you can go to the shop for you whatever and I'm still waiting I'm there now and I'd do anything to kind of like go back and be with them and you know it's soft play and stuff but at the time you're like this is yeah we went to a soft play the other week and there was a how would I describe it if anyone's eating I'm sorry it was like a hairball with phlegm sick sandwich in it and I was like what is that and Annabelle picked it out the ball pit she's like and she was holding her dummy in her other hand oh no and they like touched no no okay do you know what I take it back I don't miss soft play at all yeah but it is it is hard and I totally agree with you I try and go down the reasoning route and also I'm perimenopausal so my rage is just like patience everything's gone so there are times where i just like i can go from naught to 60 very quickly and then really regret it yeah because that's what i feel is unfair for them is they don't see the stuff happening in between they don't know what it's like to be stressed with work they don't know anything about the perimenopause you're just their entire world and they just saw you turn from oh i know look i've said no more biscuit and they're like what happened in those split seconds yeah that's so true i need to remember that i love the fact that you analyze it because for the first five years of my parenting journey um I never really used to think about it because I'm like well I'll just parent how my parents parented me so it's like well if you don't eat that for dinner then you just won't have any dinner you'll just be hungry when you go to bed and then it's like actually that's a terrible idea because I don't want my kids to be hungry when they go to bed so I'll give a second option or a third option because I want them to sleep through and you kind of learn through your own mistakes in parenting and then you get I remember seeing a friend and her son had been naughty and he was like she was like right we're gonna go to the naughty step which was just the bottom of the stairs um and it was like the reason we're sitting here is to discuss like the kid was like two this little boy and he was like I need a way and she was like listen and I was like I don't want to be that parent either but I don't know where I sit on the parenting chart because how I behave is going to have a consequence on how they behave.

15:33But also the kind of child you've got because already you're saying that to me, I couldn't get my youngest to go and sit on the stair. Yeah. He'll just say no and he'll go in the opposite direction and also, so your only option is to manhandle him and what I keep saying to my husband is, the more we do that, we're never giving him the opportunity to make a decision. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah. And also he loves the rest of things. So it's like actually fighting with my husband is his favorite thing. So of course he says, no, I won't get dressed. He keeps saying he can go out nude. This is what I mean.

16:00So he's really got this amazing. Yeah, sorry. I think if my husband goes out nude, my youngest thinks he can too. So he's got this really strong personality and I love that. But yeah, he has at some point to agree that the world is better with your socks and shoes on. Yeah. God, the socks and shoes. Crikey. or it's just the fact that you're asking them to do a thing yeah I had a moment of genius this week honestly I was so proud of myself so my youngest had taken a box of raspberries into the shower I don't know why he had a cup they love making like slime they love making slime so he'd got these raspberries and he'd got like you know a soft drink cup now full of raspberries and water which he then said he was taking to bed with him right so there's so many issues with this and my husband just whispered to me how do we get rid of the raspberries because the bigger deal we make of the raspberries the more he's going to want to take that to bed of course and also that um was it transitional object well you know it's just a thing that they suddenly they love and it's their best friend yeah and i i said oh do you know what happens if you pour that down the toilet it sounds like you're doing a poo and both of my kids are like oh my god that is isn't that genius and that's what i wish i always had the ability to do is to think laterally at of it and go you don't you don't know what I want you can't foresee it yeah and I think I've given you a fun thing so you think totally yeah you've won yeah and then my son was like oh my god that's actually genius yes it was genius I was actually sitting here thinking how are you going to get out of this situation yes and now they think you're really fun yeah it's a win-win apart from with your bank balance because raspberries are really expensive I wasn't gonna eat those raspberries and they were brought around by a guest but that's the one time in what now four and a half years of parenting that I sort of looked at my husband, can I have a round of applause?

17:46Because I've done one thing right. I did a parent right. That's brilliant. And actually I'm going to use that because my youngest is obsessed with these sodding squishies at the moment. These like... And they burst, don't they? They're like greasy. She just was like, I want another squishy. And then she does it so hard and she digs her fingernails in that they end up kind of puncturing. They leak, don't they? And then I saw online that you can get like fake ones that can really damage you. So now I'm like, oh, so I just hid them. And she was like, where are they? I was like, I don't know. Oh, so what we've got is pirates.

18:25There are these pirates. It started off as a mishearing because I said there were pirates in the garden. You know, get this green parakeet in London. My sons were like, where? And they thought there were pirates in the tree. And so we've just kept it up. So now pirates steal stuff. and also there's a thing where i've tricked them if i don't want them to have something they put it in a bag for the pirate the pirate will leave gold chocolate coins to say thank you oh like the tooth fairy yes but with some stuff you want to get rid of you're going from this gentle parenting approach to psychologically fucking the kids up but people lie about father christmas i did think that but people lie about father christmas and then eventually they find out it's not real as they'll twig at some point that we don't have pirates yeah breaking into steal stuff.

19:07Embrace it. I'm going home and saying there's pirates in the trees. There's going to be chocolate coins everywhere tomorrow. That's a great hack. I love that. Yeah, that's good. Take anything away. That's good. Let's go back and talk about your pregnancy journey. Oh, yes. Because you had children in your 40s. 40s and via IVF. Yeah. And I know that, and I hate this, the whole like geriatric, which has now evolved onto advanced maternal age. How old is it now as a geriatric? It's like 35 and up. I think that's why by 40, I was just like I'm just like a corpse pregnancy or something I was like yeah geriatric pregnancies are so lucky just to be geriatric I hate the fact that we have to be labelled can't we just all just be pregnant no you just have to wear compression socks don't you and have more like do fathers that father in their 70s do they get given a name like a geriatric dad they're probably quite wealthy I imagine if they're in their 70s sugar daddy yeah I think they're called sugar daddies actually But do you know what I mean?

20:06I hate that. No one would call a woman, I mean, what would you call a woman in the 70s if a woman got pregnant? Well, I guess a corpse. Yeah. Knackered. Elderly mother. Elderly mother. I think there are so many other things about pregnancy. The geriatric mum never, ever bothered me. I felt so lucky to be pregnant at 40, especially, you know, as you get older, it's so much more like to lose a pregnancy. I got pregnant for IVF straight after a miscarriage. so I was just so glad that it was a especially as it went further along that it was a secure pregnancy I was gonna it felt like I was gonna stay pregnant you know I used to download the app so when um I had to have uh Clomid to like Provera first to make me have a period and then Clomid to start releasing an egg and then you have to go and have your scans every couple of days and they'd be like you've got what you've got um a basic one like one of the um follicles you've got a follicle there's two follicles and they'd measure them be like right go home and then it's like now don't have premature sperm or geriatric sperm it needs to be fresh certain fresh time frames it's like oh my god right so then you like sorry so sperm can also be called geriatric yeah yeah it's sluggish i mean men are supposed to masturbate in nature yeah so they are supposed to masturbate to keep their sperm fresh yeah so if they don't do it for like four or five days that sperm would be like geriatric the whole thing you know because there is a thing like uh holding it in like like the no fapping, no masturbation.

21:31And they think it gives them great energy. Their sperm are dead. They could not impregnate anyone. Really? So if you're trying to have a baby, like just ejaculate as much as you can. Yeah, or I think probably, and obviously I don't have a male body, but follow your instincts. Some men, if they're having more sex, will then start to want to masturbate more and that's nature. Yeah. Wow. Because we were told to wait every other day because they said every other day is your prime sperm. So don't do it every 24 hours or like do it two or three times in a session which thank fuck for that um i was relieved when the doctor said that to me can you imagine that did you hear that i think that one did it i think we're done yeah i really feel impregnated yeah honestly i felt it so much then um because otherwise if it's premature then the sperm can't swim properly and they're going all over the place oh my god or if it's like the right like prime sperm then it'll be great but again and it's also that the cells have enough energy in them to get to the egg wow so things like that it's fascinating so some people try and do it with male and female as well because there's a higher likelihood of girls and boys at different points yes in terms of sluggish or really because it's the slower sperm that makes the girls right yes yeah yeah the slower yeah it's just like because the faster ones the boys are the girls think about it a bit more but that's why more organized yeah and what about your um your birth stories what we love talking about best oh do well I had two planned c-sections because I am a wimp and my excuse was again the geriatric so the age thing in IVF that it does put you in a category even though both of my pregnancies were very typical I was very lucky there was no nothing nothing happened that was but they they wouldn't let you have a non a birth that doesn't have a doctor I watched actually for research I watched um the program what one born every minute yes yeah and I shouldn't have done oh no I should never have done that either but I thought I really want to know and also because I'd been so blinkered because I didn't have children and then for a while I was old without children and I felt a bit prickly about being a childless woman I really hadn't looked at anything to do with what other people were going through in terms of pregnancy and birth and having children I'd ignored it all so now I was like okay I'll do the opposite I'll deep dive and I dove too deep um and every time someone had a slow heartbeat and would get rushed to a c-section and actually there's something a planned c-section and I know the recovery can be a lot more difficult and there's lots of reasons that someone would you know everyone's choice is their choice absolutely but I just love the idea that the baby the whole time was monitored and there was there was just no panic fair it's it's so it's it's such an incredible process you know where you're going to have your baby you know what time you're going to have your baby And did you know what you were having?

24:17Yes. And it was odd because I've only got sisters and then my sisters both had girls. And my mum said that our uterus is dissolved boys. Oh my gosh. So it was like we couldn't have boys in our family. It's such a woman family. And then actually I found out from that blood test that they give you when they're checking for the congenital disorders that he was a boy and it was brilliant. Number one, it was so odd. We were walking the dog, got this email. I said Steen it's a boy and I knew then I was having two boys I mean it's so odd I know this too it's so weird I know that I've got two boys like and um obviously because it was IVF Albie was frozen at that point in a freezer oh I see right yeah yeah yeah so I had embryos but it was so odd I suddenly then realized I'm not going to have three girls I'm going to have two boys and I really like the fact that I knew I know nothing about what it's like to be a boy yeah yeah so it's a whole new journey I don't have the I know a lot about being a teenage girl and yeah and a girl and a mom and that relationship I've got no baggage about boys at all so it's a brand new journey I love that that's lovely and are you done if I was younger I'd have more yeah I if I was younger I would love to have had more I'm really lucky in lots of ways but then also it's because I had children older I've got I've got resources I've got a mortgage because I was at a certain point in my career which I wouldn't have been in my early 30s but I would have had the advantage of going I said it's a steen a lot like I think I think it makes so much sense to me that you let the first two get to like six or seven and then you think okay now we could have another one yeah because you just you forget a lot and you just get really into babies it's amazing how we forget like when I had my second my sister had her second and they're seven weeks apart and my sister would be like you know what did you do at this spoke with it and I was like I don't know she was like it was seven weeks ago I'm like I don't I can't remember I don't know your brain just goes this is not of any use to me and also and also when you're not sleeping your brain doesn't work in the same way anyway yeah no god I know that I had a terrible night's sleep last night and I'm like yeah yeah you can't I was thinking today I'm writing something and I was thinking I can't pull an all-nighter anymore I don't think I'll ever be able to pull a nighter ever again because once your sleep is broken it's too precious yeah and it just affects well we know it's scientifically proven it's affecting your hormones oh god like your mental clarity performance everything and as we see the older you get the harder it is to recover yeah and you can't just absolutely kind of ping back from oh i didn't sleep the other night's fine i stayed up and did an all-nighter when you're at uni and stuff it's like that was easy but now oh god you're god when you're younger i remember like going out friday night all the way through go out to the work saturday morning in a shoe shop yeah got a saturday night sunday i'll be like monday i'd crash yes and also like being like quite manic with the tiredlessness like actually having energy like my brain would still work whereas now i don't think i can't really think after 9 p.m and sometimes i go on stage at half 10 oh my god i don't know how you i don't know how you do it and both of you like the late ones that i am yawning backstage how how have you managed your work like with the kids like how are you juggling that with with with knights and stuff well this is probably like one of the first conversations hannah and i had because i i wouldn't say i cracked it i think i'm either cruel to myself and great to them or i turn stuff down and that feels sometimes a little bit hard and i don't think that men in my position are having to do that and that feels really unfair i guess what i'm really trying not to do is is is damage them or hurt them and it's and it's odd isn't it because it a tiny thing and you think it will be fine in the scope and scheme of their life my husband goes away sometimes for work and it's like for next year he'll be going away for three months he's been away three months before and I just couldn't do it no I just couldn't do it and that's no judgment if a mum can but nobody will judge your husband for going away oh my mum judges oh does she yeah my mum I love that he knows this because I'm not repeating it but the other day she's like Sarah he wanted these kids he's the one who wanted these kids I love that that's your mum's approach because on average it'd be like no one would say oh your husband's going away for three months but who's going to look after the kids how are you going to cope like who's going to put them to bed and stuff yeah no one would question that no um whereas if you were to turn around and say oh I've got this amazing opportunity in America I'm going away for three months it'd be like well that's it I would leave the room and you would both go oh my god yeah I couldn't do that as a mother yeah yeah but I say no judgment because if someone else can I also know that children can be fine and they can adapt and for them their mum's going away for work and that will be their normality and also everyone does have to make a living I'm really fortunate that me and my husband can sort of negotiate it and it isn't just we need to pay the mortgage no matter what their choice is involved but I had to go away once for work for eight days and that was that was too long I think my limit now would be maybe well ideally it'd be one night but if I'm near enough to get a car I'll just get a cab back yeah I love how you have included parenting in your stand up you can use parenting because it is like everyone can relate to it and they can but also i i also think that lots of people who are in an audience my last show i talked about it sort of only parenting and it was too much right because the balance was a lot of people who are in the audience even if they're in the exact same boat as you have come out to escape it so there's interesting so so i i i wrote a whole show about it but that's also because it's all that was happening to me like my last tour i i think my eldest would have been two and a half when i started the tour my youngest was six months neither of them slept through the night when I finished the tour a year and a half later still neither of them slept through the night yeah that is slightly starting to get better now my brain was so broken I couldn't do a show about anything other than how broken my brain was there was not an option whereas since that show I found everything I've written is a million miles away from it because it's almost the last thing I want to talk about oh so you want to kind of detach from it a little bit it's just sort of happened naturally talk us about your book yes you've written a few books yes so yeah tell us about those and so my first book was a really long time ago 10 years ago I wrote a book about how the female body evolved which was something I'd done I'd done a little bit of stand-up about actually the thing I was talking about in stand-up was sperm competition which goes into what you were saying about um the masturbation thing and actually some of it isn't hard scientifically proven things but I read a book which was about um so all all mammals have a form of sperm competition so when a female sleeps with multiple males or has sex with multiple males the sperm has to behave in a way to make their sperm more likely than the other male to impregnate so an interesting example would be baby ducks so ducks the female duck has a labyrinthine vagina with loads of little different pathways so that sperm gets lost yes oh my gosh I think other birds do as well and it's not even a vagina even it's like a cloaca isn't it called with a bird there are animals that like their sperm blocks so it forms a plug so that no other sperm can get in really yes and so the theory with human beings and obviously we're an ape and there's lots of different sperm competition with other apes but ours was that they were like kamikaze sperm where some of the sperm could never impregnate an egg their job is to fight other sperm but there there is things like so if a man thinks that his partner is cheating so say she's been away at a conference for five days the sperm he ejaculates will be like have much more motility they're much more likely to impregnate her he basically does better sperm and he thinks he's competing with other men so that's been scientifically proven replicated yeah when a man sleeps with a new woman he ejaculates better sperm than a partner that he's with all the time and especially yeah So there was this whole thing.

31:58I was like, why aren't we taught this in sex education? This is so interesting. So that was the sort of the beginnings of that book. And I was doing stand up about it and jealousy and whether human beings were even supposed to be monogamous, I guess, because nature suggests that we're not. Do you have any fails that you can share with us? Parenting fails. I mean, it's such a wide topic because I feel like it's a daily occurrence. I think what I'm really finding, my husband would say my biggest failure is I'm not saying no enough. Right. And I think you create a monster. And there's something so exciting to me about giving them everything they want.

32:34For everything they want. Like we walked past a vending machine today on the way out of Chessington. And I was like, oh, we should probably stock up on chocolate buttons. And my husband's like, when was there chocolate buttons? I was like, shut up. Shut up. Because yesterday, Steve had been like, oh, it's bedtime. But there'd been a movie night in the cinema. And the movie night in the hotel where essentially they put on a screen, a big screen. like this they're putting on the minions at seven o 'clock and I just want my kids to have that experience and then yeah I bought them a packet of chocolate buttons each I don't really brush their teeth but but I think I think there is an element of failure in there I know I sound like I've humble bragged I'm such a great parent buying chocolate buttons but I know sometimes we have to go into shops and they are asking for stuff or expecting to have stuff and I'm having to explain to them about money yeah but that's good that's good yeah we do that I mean yeah you have to say know sometimes oh god absolutely um every time we go into a shop they're like can i have this yeah i really want a magazine yeah so you don't you can't read and also the magazine is a 7.99 yeah they're not cheap yeah and i feel like that's because they and they only want a bit of tat on the front yes exactly breaks instantly it just can't be so we're saving magazines for long journeys i'm really trying to say no and other other parenting fails um my kids are dirty a lot I let them wear sort of what they want.

33:55So sometimes that's pyjamas and things. And I do look at other well-presented kids and I think, I'm choosing my battles. Yeah, I mean, I don't think that's a foul. I think that's just survival. Do you? Yeah. It's a very North London thing where you do sometimes go, oh, we're the only dirty family. Oh, we're the only dirty family here. So when we got here and we were like just describing stains on our clothes and you were like, yeah, I've just got peanut butter all down my jeans. And we're like, oh, don't even flinch. Well, actually what Theodore did, this is four days ago, but I got the little apple packets with the little sachet but it's quite runny peanut butter.

34:28Anyway, it got knocked straight against the water and it looked like someone who just shats down the wall next to us. Like a baby poo. Yeah, just like a nice baby poo. So we are sponsored by the Aldi Mamiya range. And we've got you some treats. Here's what we made earlier. Oh, thank you. Oh, all your bits. This is very good. We do always need no nappies. My little one is just out of daytime nappies but it's still in the night pants. Yeah. Night pants are brilliant. I might need them myself actually. We all need some night pants, don't we? Oh, this is really nice. Thank you. Enjoy. And these snacks are actually really good.

35:02Hannah and I have been through those snacks ourselves. Yeah, I know. We always get them for the guests and then we're like, oh, look, there's a carrot sticks. Let's have a couple of those. They're so nice though. But we have our listeners send in some questions. Now, my two toddlers are tearaways, literally. The second we step outside, they instantly sprint off in opposite directions at full speed. I can only chase one. How do I decide which child to tackle first without causing an emotional complex? Also, at what age does a double dog leash become socially unacceptable? Wow. That's harsh, man.

35:36I hate the judgment about the leashes because when it's a choice between that or your kid getting run over, I hate that anyone would. I totally agree with you. Because I grew up, before I had children, I have been around people who had that thing, like putting a child on a leash. It's for their safety before they learn to make the decisions or for your sanity. Absolutely. Very small things with a child or children can be so stressful. And when you're around like tube trains or any kind of water. London, busy roads. Constantly you're thinking, I just saw your death. yeah i just saw your death as you stepped back towards that thing and once your body's been there it's very hard to get it out so so i think put them on a double lead or i do think most most parents do know which one they prefer we won't say it out loud they do child whichever is your favorite go for that i think i think same with them i gave my kids scooters like my boys had scooters and this is when i lived um in south london and they'd be off and i wouldn't be able to see them and so in the end I got a scooter because I've run after them yeah pelvic floors yeah left the room so then I'll be peeing myself on like Clapham High Street so then I got a scooter to keep up with them that's good the amount of looks I got from people like oh what are you doing on that I'm like I'm keeping up with my child well so my kids have got scooters and there's two choices either I'm literally bellowing down the street yeah too far yeah they don't they don't go into the roads they have they do know to stop at the roads but cars stop because they don't know that they know yeah so they're so far away from me that i've then got traffic and people getting out of cars to ask if my kids are okay and all the bikes in them yeah yeah the electric so quick well then they run red lights and let's face it they are twats yeah yeah well the kids are the cyclists everyone everyone actually no but especially people on e-bikes who don't stop for traffic lights i really think you're not at center parks yes like it's a major metropolitan city and there's laws in place.

37:39But then when you're on one, it's so fun. It's so fun. And then you understand. It's so fun. Yeah, they're having a good... This is why. I know, I know. Until I rode one, I didn't quite understand the jolliness of them. Oh, that's so much fun. Thank you so much for coming on, Sarah. Thank you. You've been absolutely amazing. I love... You've actually taught me the way to talk to kids about, you know, putting the raspberries down the toilet, making it fun. It's their idea. Genius. I'm sure lots of other parents listening will be like... Watch kids, it sounds like poo. And our kids will be like, no, it doesn't.

38:09Leave me alone. There's pirates outside. They'll be like, what have you been doing today? It was brilliant. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for my stuff. What a great episode. It was a great episode. She's so lovely. She is. I know she's your friend. She's now my friend as well. She's awesome. You're getting territorial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's my friend. She's my friend. But I love how honest she was about parenting and her journey and stuff. Now here at NPG, we are delighted to say that we are sponsored by the Aldi Mamiya Baby Range. Award winning as well. Now they've got you covered from newborns to toddlers.

38:46Wipes, washes, everything. Snacks. They are there to help you. All of them. But before you head to the shops, please hit that like and subscribe button. And we'll see you next time. See you later. Bye. Bye.

39:06FX's American Horror Story returns for an unrivaled 13th installment. With the iconic horrors you love to fear and an all-star cast reprising fan-favorite roles. Light your candles, draw your pentagrams, and prepare for a supreme surprise. FX's American Horror Story 13. Now streaming on Hulu.

39:35This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden. A bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Watch East of Eden, October 1st, only on Netflix.